"Vol, I refill a Valgud."

"Okay, here."

"Thanks. Mmm, this is good. Now, like I was sayin', Mina, we need to think smallbig."

"What?"

"Smallbig. Dwarf-speak. Means makin' something smaller with a bigger effect."

"Ah, I see."

"Your hearin' okay? Keep askin' me to Valgud things repeat."

"Y-yes, I'm quite alright."

"Why do you keep saying your name, dwarf?"

"I have also been questioning this, Jungrathol."

"He's obviously!"

"Obviously what?"

"Am not! Never been this Valgud in my sober."

"Protector, your language spell is failing."

"It is not. This is another—"

"Vol, Valgud need I a."

"Okay, here."

"Thanks. Now, like I was Valgud, need to Valgud how Valgud Valgud."

"Now he is saying his name more. If I drink this ale, will I say my name more?"

"Let's find!"

"Jungrathol, do not drink that."

"She has given me a gift. It would cause offense if I did not accept."

"Jungrathol, please, I'd prefer it if you… You've already drunk it."

"Jungrathol."

"Oh no."

"I said my name."

"Valgud Valgud Valgud, Valgud. Valgud Valgud Valgud Valgud brew."

"It's really fucking!"

"I've made a truly grave error."

"No, Mina, the fault is mine. I should not have permitted her to accompany us."

"Valgud? Valgud Valgud."

"Jungrathol. I said my name again."

"WHAT?!" Vol exclaimed. She shot out of her chair and pitched forward, somehow managing to spring off her hands rather than fall over as she wobbled her way across the distance. "You're the ones who! Can't blame!" She hooked a foot under the scrap finder and kicked it into the air, snatching it up with the hand that wasn't grasping a half-full mug of the accursed ale she'd brought and was still somehow holding onto.

"Vol, please put the scrap finder down," Mina said, long past the point of clasping the bridge of her nose and now pressing her entire hand to her forehead.

Vol frowned at her. "Thought you were smart!" she said. "If you're smart, how's it gonna be me who!" She held the scrap finder out towards the machine. A spark flew off the device, and in the next instant it disappeared.

"Vol, no!" Mina cried as she dashed forward. "What've you done!"

"It is dead," Jungrathol said.

"Easy!" Vol shouted.

Mina slowly turned her head to the reddest member of their group. "What?"

Jungrathol leaned back, no longer touching the machine in any way, but it remained completely still. "Dead. See?"

"Valgud!" shouted Valgud as he stumbled forward, mug in hand, to run his other hand over the metal surface of the machine.

"Can't believe," Vol said as she swayed back and forth on her way back to her chair, gesturing wildly with her free hand. "Told you to call me when. But noooo."

Mina ran her hands up the sides of her head into her hair. What's just happened. She replayed the events in her mind, but they made no sense.

"Vol, what did you do?" asked Ir'alith.

Vol took a drink from her mug. "Not scrap finder. Electromagnet. Charge it up, deconstruct really fucking. Magnetic flux compression." She took another drink and shrugged. "Electromagnetic pulse."

Mina stared.

"Fun, right?" Vol asked with a wide grin.

----------------------------------------

Mina felt that her mind would surely explode as she sank into her chair to sleep. I'd thought her a simple, muscle-brained idiot, but she's… Is it possible she's even more intelligent than I am?

Vol had refused to stop drinking despite the fast approach of daylight, and Ir'alith's attempt to magically dispel her inebriation had somehow failed, much to her own confusion. The older woman had continued to speak words and terms that Mina had never heard, but she refused to explain them, saying only variations on "complicated shit" instead.

It was infuriating beyond description. The answers Mina sought were so close, but no matter how she tried, she achieved no progress towards them.

At last she'd been forced to return to her workshop in order that she might sleep sufficiently prior to the race at noon. Ir'alith seemed just as weary after the ordeal of attempting to corral both Vol and Valgud as the night wore on, but she'd readily agreed to enchant the new steamcar that the dungeon core had helped her to construct once it'd been moved by that same core onto the rooftop. The process had been amazingly quick, and Ir'alith had remarked that the vehicle should be far more durable due to whatever metal had been used.

She'd also requested durability glyphs for the helmet which Carl had purchased for her, though in the case of the so-called Racing Crown, it was a simple matter of wanting to protect it from harm in order that she might keep it with her always.

Mina sighed contentedly, laying on her side and using her scarf as a small pillow. Even if I've been unable to—

"Hey, Carl's acting weird again," Vol called loudly from the main floor.

Mina sighed again, this time in frustration. "Leave me be," she called back.

"Thought you cared," Vol called. "Carl, stop fucking about. Hey!"

Is he truly… Mina rose from her chair and rubbed her eyes. Ooh, I do hope this is some manner of prank. I'm so very tired. She padded over to the stairs barefoot and descended in time to watch Carl charge into one of the large metal doors at the front of her workshop while groaning. The metal gave way at the impact, and he broke through to stand outside in the street. His head tipped upwards, and he turned from side to side.

"Carl?" she called out as she stepped forward, feeling her anxiety rise with each step.

"Fuck, I think this is that coffee thing again," Vol grumbled, leaning against the steamcar in the center of the room.

Carl set off in a direction and moved out of view.

"Carl!" Mina shouted, dashing over to the great rent that had been torn in the wall, taking care to avoid stepping on any number of components and tools which were strewn about. She caught sight of him weaving from side to side at an inconsistent pace, already having made it a considerable distance away.

"Better get after him to make sure he doesn't get in trouble," Vol said. "Let's take your new car!"

Mina turned around.

Vol was standing next to the driver's seat door, in the process of pulling it open.

"No. No," Mina shouted as she dashed back to prevent the other woman from entering the steamcar she'd so painstakingly designed. "I'll be the one to drive."

If you encounter this tale on Amazon, note that it's taken without the author's consent. Report it.

"Fine, but we better hurry," Vol said, already sliding over the hood towards the front of the workshop where the double doors were located to push the remaining one open.

"A moment," Mina said as she rushed back up the stairs. Where have I left it… Ah, there you are. She grasped the skeleton mask and pulled it down over her head as she hurried down to her steamcar once more and hopped in the open door.

"What the fuck?" Vol exclaimed.

"It's my disguise." Mina pulled shut the door of her steamcar and fastened the buckles of her seatbelt. "Core, once I've driven out, I'll be relying upon you to repair the wall."

"Core."

"The trëasure must be protècted!"

"Really fucking reliable sometimes," Vol commented.

Mina pressed the go pedal and eased the vehicle out of her workshop, easily navigating around the metal debris from the smashed door. She turned in the direction she'd last seen Carl and sped up. It's fortuitous this has happened so early in the day prior to the streets becoming more congested. Please be all right, Carl!

An unrelated thought occurred to her which brought a frown to her face. "Vol, were you not entirely drunk a short while ago when you declared that you were remaining to continue imbibing your ales with Valgud? And how were you even capable of returning?"

"Valgud had to get back to deciding shit, and I didn't feel like being drunk anymore."

"You didn't feel like it?"

"Yeah."

Mina came to a stop at an intersection and peered back and forth. "Which way's he gone…"

"Go straight. I'll tell you when to turn."

Mina looked at the older woman, who was hanging her arm over the door, having apparently felt free enough to use the nearby crank to lower the glass window. "And you're certain of this because…"

"Because it's my fucking city, obviously," Vol said. "You gonna catch him or sit here? He's a little fast."

Mina pressed down on the go pedal, and the steamcar accelerated speedily. "I'll most certainly catch him." She sped along the nearly-deserted street at a rate that she imagined Carl would deem incredibly unsafe. What's happened to him? Is it some malady of the mind? Is… Will he recover?

"Turn left here."

Mina spun the wheel, and the steamcar veered in the specified direction, its rear end pulling her farther than she'd wished to travel due to the speed with which she was driving. "What's happened to him? You spoke of a coffee thing?"

"Eh, seems like he just gets weird in the morning if he can't get his coffee. Doesn't even remember he's doing it afterwards. He bought a lot of coffee the other day, but I think he fucking drank it all yesterday while you were making your car." Vol lapsed into chuckles. "Such a Carl thing to do. Turn right up ahead."

The steamcar changed directions once more.

"He's up there," Vol said, pointing at a small dot on the windshield.

"Where?" Mina scanned her surroundings as she continued to navigate the early morning streets of Onyxfell.

"Right fucking there!" Vol pointed again at the dot, which seemed to be growing larger. "Fuck, is he gonna…"

Carl plummeted head-first down into the road just ahead of them, crashing into the ground and sinking in some distance.

Mina winced. "Is he…"

Carl pushed himself up and to his feet, stumbling around as he squinted. "COOOFFFFEEEEEEEEE!" he bellowed before bounding away.

Vol sighed. "Some real side character shit, Carl," she muttered.

Mina started off once more, steering around the new hole in the road. "Why've you not stopped him? You're capable of it, I assume."

Vol shrugged. "Did that once already. Having fun trying something new now."

Mina scowled. "And you claim to be his friend? Have you no concern for—"

"Calm the fuck down," Vol said. "He'll be fine. Turn left here."

Mina took the turn, her tires skidding as she once more corrected their course. She glanced to her right, then took a quick second look. "Oh, is that not the entrance to the arena? I've still not visited."

"Eh, not that exciting."

"Well, naturally you would say such a thing."

"Fuck, where's he—Turn left here."

Mina dutifully steered to the left, and they almost immediately came upon Carl once more, wavering back and forth in the middle of the street.

"COFFFEEEEE!" he shouted in an unpleasant, discordant voice, his head tilted towards the sky.

"For the last fucking time," a man's nasally voice shouted back from above, "get the fuck out of D-three, you coffee-shouting fuck! I fucking drank all—"

"You yap like a dog, idiot," Vol shouted as she leaned her head out of the car. "Think before you speak, yelling 'fuck' isn't a technique!"

"Yeah, shut your mouth, Octobrianus!" shouted a woman's voice.

"Tired of you always cursing in the mornings!" called another man.

"Idiots," Vol grumbled as she sat back into her seat. "Wasn't even a good one."

"Somewhat ironic coming from you," Mina said as she chased after Carl, who had continued along the street at a speed far faster than she'd imagined him capable of moving.

"Yeah, but there's a reason why—Eh, it doesn't matter." Vol leaned her head out the window once more. "Carl! There's no coffee that way!"

Carl leapt into the air again, flying impossibly high up as his limbs flailed.

"Fuck, he's headed for the garden," Vol groaned. "Gonna take forever to get him out of there."

"Ah, the central garden of Onyxfell," Mina said. "I'd heard of it from my tutors, but I've not yet had the chance to visit."

"Huh. Maybe you're not as much of a noob here," Vol said. She frowned.

"What, precisely, is a noob?"

"Still not really sure. Just trying it out to see if I like the feel. Hey, it's Carl."

Carl charged towards them in a shambling run which should not have yielded nearly as much speed as it did.

"Today's the day you die, coffee-seeker!" shouted an old woman with a spear who was chasing after him.

"You'll suffer for ruining my hedges!" called an old man with a sword running next to her.

"Coffee-seeker!" screamed an even older woman with a giant war hammer raised over her head.

"Huh."

"That's quite concerning."

"Should probably turn around."

"Yes, perhaps if I navigate through this street here…"

"Okay, he's headed back towards the arena, so if you go right here, you'll—"

"And you're quite certain he'll come to no harm?"

"Wouldn't be a good main character if I let my side character get killed off."

"What's this 'side character' you've spoken of?"

"Just a joke. Between friends. Because friends tell jokes. He went left here."

"I'm still finding it difficult to reconcile your claim to friendship with your current actions."

"What the fuck's a reconcile? Fuck, slow down, that's—"

"Oh my. Is he…"

"Yeah, he's fine. Hey, Hesychius, been a long time!"

"Scipio?!"

"Fuck, drive faster, I didn't think he'd get up that fast! Go!"

"But surely you'd enjoy speaking with an old acquaintance?"

"Carl's getting away!"

"Perhaps now you've an appreciation for the feeling of being teased in a cruel manner?"

"Urgh, why're you so annoying?"

"The feeling is mutual, I assure you. I assume you've still no intention of speaking about—"

"I told you, it's all complicated shit, and I'm bad at explaining. Why's it matter anyway? I already zapped that metal dog for you."

"Yes, well…"

"Eh, you and—Huh, does Carl have admirers?"

"—OOFFEEEEE!"

"How strange. They don't appear to be hostile towards him. Oh, I do believe I recognize one of the trio. The one with the pretty face in the center."

"Weird. They do look vaguely familiar. Maybe… Nah."

"How can we restore him to his usual self? Surely there must be some method to it?"

"Yeah, I'm getting a little bored anyway. Not as fun as I thought it'd be. Gonna just…"

Mina glanced over repeatedly as Vol climbed out through her window and onto the roof of the speeding steamcar. "Is this a scheme of yours, or shall I—"

"Don't worry about it," Vol shouted down. "CARL! COFFEE!"

Carl turned back to face them off in the distance. He tilted his head up again. "NOOOOOOOOooooooooooooo! SCARY COFFEE!" He jumped away onto a nearby building.

His strength is quite surprising to see in action, though I suppose I was witness to his feat of hurling that steamcar some days ago.

"CARL, STOP FUCKING ABOUT!" Vol shouted again. "LOOK, NORMAL COFFEE!"

Carl appeared instantly in front of them, squinting as he turned his head upwards once more, his shirt shredded and torn about his shoulders and his beard flecked with pieces of rubble.

Is he perhaps attempting to smell for coffee? Mina brought the steamcar to an abrupt halt and swerved to the side, stopping just past him. She pushed open the door and raced over to him. "Carl?"

"Coffee?" Carl said, staring at Vol.

"Yeah, just fucking drink it so we can get this done with." Vol shoved a mug towards him, and he drew it up to his face with both hands, tipping it up for a second before bringing it back down. "Definitely the last time we're doing this. Let's go back," she said.

They were once more back in Mina's workshop. The young woman tore her magical mask off and wrung her hands, her gaze focused on the man she'd grown to wish was her father. Is he truly alright? He was behaving so strangely…

Carl staggered over to his chair and tipped backwards into it. Seconds later, he began lightly snoring.

"Glad that's finally over with," Vol said. She yawned and stretched her arms over her head. "Oh, right." She took a few steps to the side, reached out in front of herself, and then pulled a silver-colored steamcar out of the air, setting it onto the ground. "Don't wanna forget about that."

Mina took in her steamcar as it reappeared. This Inventory ability she shares with Carl is frustratingly useful. Surely there must be some method by which I can—

"Okay, I'm gonna deal with some shit," Vol said as she turned to face Mina. "I'll be there for your race, so you better make it interesting."

Then she disappeared.

Mina stared for a moment. Even when she's attempting to be of assistance she still manages to be irritating. How was she capable of transporting us all back here once more? I've so many questions!

She turned her attention to the now-slumbering Carl and moved closer. He seems to be sleeping peacefully, at the least? The tension began to drain from her body. Perhaps it's simply some manner of outworlder affliction. Vol was entirely unconcerned, and she'd claimed to have assisted him with it previously. She gently stroked her hand through his soft hair. Please be all right, Carl. I… I couldn't bear to lose you.

Mina leaned forward and pressed a faint kiss to the top of his head. Perhaps I'll… Yes, I'll sleep down here in case he's overcome once more. Perhaps I'll be able to reason with him more effectively if I catch him immediately after he's begun to grow strange?

She crept upstairs, making for one of the piles of discarded clothes. A few seconds of rummaging yielded an especially soft, incredibly low-cut dress which she imagined would make a fine cushion. She retrieved her scarf and hair tie, winding the latter around her wrist as she smiled, then returned to the main floor and spread the dress out on the floor in an unused spot, placing her folded scarf down beneath her head as she lay atop the garment.

She drifted off to sleep soon after with a peaceful smile on her face.