We arrived at the Black Cat, and it was a place that looked out of place in the quaint little nowhere town of Crossroad, almost as much as Dragon Keep. It had frosted windows with iron bars and was made of high-quality wood. Really, the architecture looked more Renaissance than Middle Ages and there was a smell of incense about the place rather than the ever-present excrement smell.
A sign with a lounging black cat on it hung beside an awning overlooking the door. I could hear a little music coming from inside the place as well that could best be described as "generic lute music from a fantasy game."
Not really interested in delaying any further, I opened the door and headed inside. I was immediately assaulted by scents of incense, flowers, and perfumes that I suspected existed to keep as much of the outside odor out as possible. There was also a pair of doormats that were filthy but showed someone was taking hygiene seriously. The floor was also made of flagstones, and I couldn't help but think that would make it easier to clean.
Was I overthinking the Medieval fantasy world? Or was it just that my mind was way too focused on toilet matters after Jon's failed attempt to educate me on how things worked in my upgraded tower room? Seriously, if I hadn't upgraded it, I would have been using a chamber pot and I didn't even want to think about that.
The interior of the Black Cat was exceptionally large and already packed to the gills with probably a dozen tables on the first floor, a staircase leading up the second floor where there were numerous doors to what I presumed to be rooms for "business", a wooden bar that wouldn't have been out of place in my time, and the stereotypical casques of ale that dotted your typical fantasy tavern or inn. It reminded me that the laziest way of starting any tabletop RPG was to say you all met in an inn.
This was the R-rated version of such a place, though, and the lower level was full of attractive cleavage-showing waitresses and shirtless men (yay for equality, I guess) serving a mixed crowd of patrons. They were extremely well-dressed in a variety of strange clothing that I assumed were from the other five kingdoms of the Southern Kingdoms or maybe even the Empire. There were lots of people who came to petition the Dark Undermasters for their help in solving monster problems, but they weren't going to find any of that here anymore.
I noticed the ratio of male travelers to female was also about 1:1, which surprised me but probably shouldn't have. The Dark Undermaster series hadn't skewed so heavily male as others. Indeed, it seemed to also fit the harlots I spotted above, who were basically the same as the servers but wearing much-much less.
"Fifty gold pieces a pop, huh," I muttered, not at all tempted. I figured if I was going to have sex, I'd probably want to do it with someone who wanted to be with me and probably who hadn't been with three other persons that day.
"The usual charge is five," Ania said, shaking her head. "That's not even including the Undermaster discount that Maelor usually gives. He must have really hated you, Jon."
"Guys, you're killing me," Jon said, shaking his little head.
"Only if I miss," Ania replied, absently. "My sister should be here somewhere so look at the ladies wearing hoods or veils. If you're serious about helping me, Imposter—"
"You can call me Aaron," I said, absently.
Ania paused. "Aaron, then you check the news board. Maelor the Black owns a printing press that he acquired from the Empire and uses it to provide the Dark Undermasters with work. We'll need to raise as much coin as possible for our trip and acquire for you better equipment. I won't have you slowing me down. You also need some experience in monster hunting."
Given she was 9th level, and I was 2nd, there was something to that logic, but I couldn't help but feel insulted. Jon may have been an ass by insisting that we were the main characters in a world with real people and real consequences but that didn't mean I wanted to be a sidekick either. I wanted to help these people and being a complete amateur wasn't going to help matters. So, against my better judgement, I was going to have to follow Jon's advice and level up fast. Otherwise, I would just be a burden, Arcane Fire and PUSH aside.
"Where do I find these Medieval Craigslist notes?" I asked, not bothering to worry about the translation.
Ania pointed literally a foot to my left where there was a bunch of notices hammered up against the wall.
"Oh," I said, blinking. "I suppose that would be it, yes."
It seemed I also needed to level up my WIS score some more.
"You can also find Pwiffle matches here or bare fisted boxing," Jon said. "You know, the usual stuff you find here."
"I have very little interest in either," I replied. "I hate Pwiffle."
Jon stared in horror. "Blasphemy."
Ania smiled. "You may have to overcome that aversion. My brother was an addict at Pwiffle, and wrestling is a good source of income."
"My stats aren't exactly optimized for that," I replied. I may look a great deal buffer in this world but that didn't translate to STR or CON bonuses.
"You should also try and sell the Skull King's armor and helmet," Ania added. "Most of the locals wouldn't touch it but Maelor will give you a thoroughly underwhelming price for it and might sell you some decent equipment in turn."
I never liked buying equipment versus acquiring it in the field when I played RPGs. I always felt like I was being cheated because the game developers knew most people would go with what they got from quests over hanging around vendors. Now that it was my life that I was playing with, I was much more comfortable buying if it meant raising my chances of survival from zero to slim. Too bad that I'd already spent most of the coin that I'd acquired from killing the Skull King. I briefly glanced at my bracelet menu to see how much I had in the way of money.
73 GP
Great.
According to Jon, that wouldn't buy me much more than a roll in the hay I didn't want.
Stolen novel; please report.
"Right," I said, nodding. "You go look for your sister and I'll check for new quests. I'll check the broadsheets."
Ania nodded then turned to walk among the crowds, seemingly slipping among them despite the fact she should have been one of the most famous people in the region due to her historical connection with the Rose family as well as Undermasters both.
"Come on, man," Jon said. "Pwiffle, Pwiffle, Pwiffle. It's fun to say Pwiffle."
I ignored him and looked over the news board and found myself finding a few messages about missing people, food shortages, and more that I couldn't help with. It was only the papers that were marked with the Dark Undermaster's seal, a sword crossed with a staff over a skull, that I paid attention to. I made a mental note to look into the others as well, though. The "game" might not want me to do so but I was determined to do whatever I could. Each time I examined one of the notes, my bracelet updated. Apparently, it had a sense of humor by the descriptions that were greatly at odds with its previous professional tone.
SIDEQUEST(S) ADDED:
WET AND WILD GIRLS
Recommended Level: 2
Reward: 1000 EXP, Ring of Protection +1, 50 GP
Description: A mother and father want you to rescue their son from the lusty caresses of a Rusalka, a sort of Little Mermaid for adults.
"I felt The Little Mermaid was plenty adult," Jon replied. "Mind you, I didn't know Ariel was supposed to be fifteen."
"Never say that again," I replied.
"Seriously, Esmeralda is the only legal one," Jon said. "Unless you have a thing for Maleficent, which I did."
"Everyone had a thing for Maleficent," I replied. "There's a reason they had Angelina Jolie play her in the live action movie."
LOOK AT THE BONES
Recommended Level: 2
Reward: 1000 EXP, Boots of Speed, 50 GP
Description: A horrifying monster has taken root in the fields and slain a dozen men. Save the village from this evil!
"It's going to be a rabbit or something adorable, isn't it?" I asked Jon.
"Probably," Jon said. "We were overdue for a Monty Python reference."
RATS IN THE CELLAR
Recommended Level: 2
Reward: 1000 EXP, Cloak of Protection +1, 100 GP
"Ah, killing rats," Jon said, sighing. "The most basic of all adventurer quests."
"Is it just me or are they offering a lot of magical items at a very low level?" I asked, confused.
"There's a lot of dead Undermasters," Jon explained. "Let's just say that they probably didn't get buried with their boots on."
I'd have complained but I'd been robbing the corpses of everyone I'd slain too. "Watch there be some kind of horrifying twist on this."
"Probably," Jon admitted. "That's kind of how this world rolls."
MY KIDS LOOK LIKE THE MILKMAN
Recommended Level: 4
Reward: 5000 EXP, Pwiffle Card (Hag), 500 GP
Description: Farmer Grub thinks a incubus is visiting his wife in the afternoon. Drive it off to preserve the sanctity of their loveless sexless marriage.
"Did the writer change for the descriptions in these bracelets or did Weis develop a sense of whimsy?" I asked, tapping it on the side.
"Trust me, this is the easiest quest in the game," Jon said, referring to his earlier recommendations for sex tourist-ing across Ledziana. "You just go to Farmer Grubs, accept the quest, and then slip Mrs. Grub the Polish sausage. She gives you the card and you lie about driving her incubus lover off. Everyone is happy and gets laid, except Farmer Grub but screw that guy. Or not in this case as he's a weird religious nut who hates fun."
"This quest seems overly generous if all you have to do is have sex with a bored housewife," I replied, not having any intention of going that route. For the noble reason of not wanting to be party to adultery and fraud as well as the less noble but no less present motivation of not wanting to be party to Jon's sloppy seconds.
"It's one of those quests that they make to trick players into thinking the game rewards creative thinking over pure combat," Jon replied. "They always throw a few quests in here that can be resolved by talking rather than murder in order to pretend it's deep or make some sort of point about multiple choice. Or a secret way to resolve the quest with unusual uses of strategic thinking."
"You mean like using PUSH to kill the boss attacking the town," I said, dryly.
"Showoff," Jon muttered. "You got lucky. I remind you that you have a WIS score of 8."
"Yeah, and I'm starting to think the average score around here is around 3-4."
Jon paused for a second. "Okay, that was actually pretty funny so I'm going to let it slide."
"What was your WIS score?" I asked.
"I'm not telling," Jon said.
There were no other notices of importance, and I was about to turn back to join with Ania when I heard a shout as well as chair sliding off the stone cobblestones.
"Heretic! Blasphemer! Traitor! You are the one we seek!" A man spoke with a heavy German accent.
I turned around to see a table full of men in chain mail with red tabards bearing the symbol of the Empire's Golden Bull. They also had a red robed man with a shaved head and long red beard who looked less like a wizard and more like Max Von Sydow's Ming the Merciless from Flash Gordon (Ah-AAAHHH!! Savior of the Universe!). He was a wizard, though, because he started chanting in an alien language that wasn't quite Latin.
This would have been alarming enough if not for the fact they were clearly about to fight Ania and another woman that it took me a second to recognize as the one she'd sought. Whereas Ania was short, tomboyish, and shapely redhead, Agata Rose was a tall and slender brunette with long dark tresses trailing down over her shoulders. She was wearing a flattering green gown with a blue hooded cloak that looked way too nice for this place (and this was the nicest place in Crossroad). She had a jeweled staff with a silver eagle on the top of it clutching a sapphire in its mouth. If she was trying to stay inconspicuous, she was failing miserably.
I wasn't sure what Larry C.C. Weis had been thinking planning to make Agata into one of Garland's companions because she'd never been an adventurer. Indeed, most of her scenes in the books had been about how stupidly romantic her worldview of heroic knights as well as handsome princes was. Weis had seemingly taken a perverse delight in torturing her and disabusing her of every romantic notion she'd held.
I prepared Arcane Fire to help when Agata slammed down the bottom of her staff against the floor, causing an explosion of blue, white energy that sent all six of the Imperials flying. She then covered herself in an ARMOR spell even as her sister moved to draw her bow, Lightbringer.
"Huh," I said, staring. "Agata Starek is a witch now."
I had not seen that coming.
"Don't just stand there, Imposter! Kill them!" Ania shouted.
"Right!" I said, firing Arcane Fire at the wizard on the ground because I assumed him to be the most dangerous. Unfortunately, this proved to be a stupid idea as the flame struck a glowing aura around him that absorbed it completely. Crap, I forgot Arcane Fire didn't work on wizards. It was one of those stupid rules made up for the books.
"Garland of Nowhere, I will have your heart and offer it up to the Emperor!" the red robed wizard said, shooting a bolt of glowing green energy that struck me in the chest. It felt like someone stuck my entire lower body in liquid nitrogen. I felt cold, sick, and worse than when I'd caught Covid-19 in 2020.
Another hit or two like that and I was dead.
PUSH wouldn't do much good here, so I decided to do something stupid and pulled out the Skull King's sword before wildly swinging it around. Much to my surprise, the blade cut through the wizard's throat, and he fell to the ground with copious black inhuman ichor flying out. His body turned gray and inhuman before disintegrating on the ground.
Damn.
Two of the Imperials had been struck down by Ania sticking two glowing arrows into the throats of the soldiers. A third had gone for Agata with his mace, only to have it bounce against her armor before she put her hand on his face and conjured Arcane Fire of her own. His death scream was horrifying but Agata didn't even flinch.
That left two Imperials, both exchanging a glance. Unfortunately, it wasn't to do the sane and rationale thing of retreating. No, surrounded by all the other brothel guests and workers watching this like a MMA fight, they turned toward me before charging. Apparently, they didn't mind if they died if they took down the great Garland of Nowhere.
This was going to suck.