I found myself in a long and dark tunnel, the interior impossibly smooth as the place had a stench of sulfur as well as ash. Given this was about as far from the perpetual Pinesol smell of the Eldritch Tree as you could get (which was weird now that I thought about it--why would an oak smell like pine?), I found myself looking around. None of my companions were present and it was almost pitch black except for a light coming from the end of the tunnel that, thankfully, didn't seem to be a sign of either the afterlife or a train coming but a flickering fire light.

"Where the hell am I?" I asked, slowly getting up.

"Fire Giant Mountain," the voice of Larry C.C. Weis spoke behind me.

I jumped, spinning around and moving my hands to my swords. "You!"

Larry C.C. Weis was a white bearded little man about five foot nothing and with a rotund belly. He was the Voice of Perun and said skyfather's chosen prophet. Which was a nice gig except for his god being dead and all. Thankfully, for him at least, he was also the Southern Kingdoms' resident archwizard. Today, he was dressed in a pair of blue jeans and an old Grateful Dead t-shirt with a vest over it. In each hand, he had a mug of coffee. The mugs were marked with HOUSE ROSETM and DRAGON QUEENTM logos. Yes, they were official Epic DungeoneeringTM merch for the Dark Undermaster series.

"Yes, me," Larry said. "Coffee? Ever since the Turqish Empire was destroyed by the earthquakes and volcanoes created by Perun battling Veles, it's damned near impossible to get the good stuff on Mokosh."

"I'd rather not support Epic DungeoneeringTM by using any of their crap," I muttered, remembering what I'd seen outside of the Eldritch Tree. The company had been using slave labor from the local nonhuman races to try to clear cut the forests around it. I had no idea what they'd been using the lumber for, but they'd made "examples" out of a lot of the locals.

"Yes, I'm sure the multi-billion-dollar company is concerned about your one-man protest against their fantasy IP," Larry said, pushing the House RoseTM mug into my hands. "Drink the damn coffee, you're going to need it."

I reluctantly took the mug. "What are you doing here, Weis? I thought Veles blocked any further communication."

"Yea, well, he stopped that when you beat him at Pwiffle," Larry said, approvingly. "As the god of gambling, among many-many other things, he doesn't scrimp on debts. You asked for a fair shake, so he's withdrawn into Bald Mountain for the time being. No direct interference in your quest. That means we're open to communicating via dreams again."

I remembered Veles had said as much but hadn't believed him. "Really, he's going to honor our deal?"

"Oh, hell no," Larry admitted, looking around. "I made more or less the same request of him at the start of this when I beat him at Pwiffle. There's one thing that Veles hates more than an oath-breaker and that's losing. Eventually, he's going to get sick of you busting up his plans and figure a way to weasel out of his promise. However, Veles' pride is his biggest weakness, so you've bought us some wiggle room. Maybe a few months, possibly even a year."

I took a sip of the coffee, which was, admittedly, fantastic. It was thick, syrupy, and sweet with rich cream. "There is no us, Weis. You're not my favorite author anymore. You shanghaied me into Ledziania as well as god knows how many other people."

"Fourteen," Larry said. "Any other people from your world came through portals or magical summoning."

I was briefly distracted by the thought of a Dungeons and Dragons ride bringing a bunch of teenagers here before shaking my head. The kids from the Eighties cartoon would have been eaten alive by this world. "Yeah, well, I blame you for it and we're not friends. Also, I've lost a lot of respect for you as a writer. Everything in this world seems ripped off from other, better, writers."

Larry snorted. "Adapting the events of Garland and the Rose Family's adventures to book form is a lot harder than it sounds, Aragorn. Do you think my fans want to hear about how a mildly autistic computer programmer bangs goddesses? Makes a bunch of dated wise cracks about video games and fantasy novels? Believe me, I'm working extra hard to turn your story into something that doesn't seem like Seth MacFarlane's Game of Thrones."

I admit, he had me there. "I'm the plot of the fourth book?"

"For now," Larry said. "As stated, a lot of divine magic is related to stories and the telling of tales. It's due to the most elemental magic being dreaming and the most powerful of sorcery being the naming of names."

I stared at him. "You realize that means absolutely nothing to me, right?"

Larry rolled his eyes. "All of that sorceress knowledge the mark downloaded into your brain is wasted, isn't it?"

I stared at the bracelet. "Well, it's working fine, I guess. I still don't know why you made it so quirky, though. I don't get why it increases my power like I'm a 2nd Edition wizard nor why it gives me background music. I swear it played 'No Easy Way Out' when I was brooding last night. Your doing, I presume?"

"Oh, hell no," Larry said, sipping his coffee. "That's all Perun."

"What," I said, blinking.

"The bracelet contains a fragment of his soul," Larry said. "All of them do. Perun was a massive gamer while alive and still has a connection to the reality. You know, being a GOD and all. Saint George and the Dragon, Michael and Lucifer, and pretty much all other stories of beefy guys versus evil dragons or wizards."

"I thought those would be all actual people," I said.

"They are," Larry said. "Just because he inspired them, doesn't mean they aren't real on their own."

I was getting a headache. "So, the bracelet is Perun's ghost leveling me up."

"Yes," Larry said. "My god was very quirky while alive. Also, are you out of your goddamn mind absorbing his essence?"

I didn't expect that reaction. "I would have thought you would have approved. Maybe it'll bring back Perun."

Larry frowned with a 'what sort of idiot do you take me for' kind of look. "If it was that easy, Aaron. I would have already done it. Gods are naturally immortal, and I don't mean the piddling diet coke immortality that death lords and vampires get. The fact that Perun is dead in the first place is one of those impossibilities that shouldn't have happened, possibly related to the fact Veles was using the Twisted Gods' magic."

The author's narrative has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon.

"That's those Lovecraftian things, right?" I asked.

Larry frowned. "Dark spooky alien gods existed before Howard Phillips, thank you. I don't steal everything. I just...flavor...my reality."

"Uh huh," I said, finishing my coffee. "Name any eldritch abominations not influenced by Lovecraft."

"Ungoliant," Larry pointed out. "Not a Maia or Valar. She just sort of pops into The Similarillion."

"Stealing from Tolkien is still stealing," I replied.

"Anyway, the only thing keeping Perun dead is Veles' power, I think," Larry said. "Either way, you don't want him taking you over. Because first, you'd be dead. Next of all, you'd be an undead ghost of a god rather than a true resurrection. The fact the mark encouraged you to do so is a bad sign, in fact."

"So, ghosts are undead, not dead, dead," I said.

"Focus, Aaron," Larry said, annoyed, and made a 'knock on wood' gesture with his fist toward my head. "It means that the mark wants to join with its other selves. Which may be a source of power in the short run but isn't something a mortal body can handle."

I stared at the mark. "Err, it says I'm a demigod now."

"Oh goddammit," Larry muttered, feeling his face. "Just be careful. Anymore absorbing and you might start losing yourself. You're only under Mokosh's protection and only as long as you’re mortal. If you become a full god, however weak of one, the oaths that Veles made to not kill you immediately won’t mean shit.”

Again, he was making no sense. "Is the bracelet alive? Is it plotting against me?"

Larry shook his head. "Like I said, it’s a fragment of Perun's soul. If it helps, think of it as a good version of the One Ring. That, I dunno, just really loves board games by Gary Gygax."

"And Dave Arnesen," I said. "Don't forget his contributions."

"And Eighties music," Larry said. "My God got really into hair metal toward the end. He was always trendy."

I wasn't sure how much of a good counterpart to the One Ring it was if it was trying to steal my body and eat my soul. "Veles gave me a coin that could resurrect people. Can that help?"

"I'm pretty sure that Veles isn't going to give you an out like that," Larry said. "No, the resurrection coins are just a magical item of his that he passes out like candy to his followers. Keep a hold of it, though. It'll work on any willing soul, though. The Underworld isn't all in Veles' control but there's only one for Earth and Mokosh so you could bring back anyone in both."

I blinked. "So, if I wanted to bring back John F. Kennedy—"

I wasn't thinking about Kennedy, of course, I was thinking about the Dragon Queen and hoped Larry would have a piece of advice regarding that.

"I'd probably say that was an odd choice when two worlds are at stake but yes," Larry said. "You could also probably bring back John Ronald Reul. However, he's probably quite content in his portion of the Underworld."

"He might punch up your manuscript," I replied. "Maybe get you to stick to a deadline."

Yes, I was still salty it had taken him eleven years to write this novel when he was just stealing everything.

"It took Tolkien twelve years to write the Lord of the Rings and five years to publish it so screw you," Larry said. I hated to say it but the old man was winning my respect.

"That's four years a book," I replied. "Which is perfectly reasonable."

Weis nodded. "You'll know when and where to use the coin. If you use it at all since it's dark magic."

"Thanks for being utterly unhelpful, Dungeonmaster," I muttered, referencing the old D&D cartoon. The little gnome wizard repeatedly answered every direct question with a riddle and basically asked like a suckier version of Yoda. Unfortunately, Weis was the only game in town who might have a larger perspective on all of this.

"I try," Weis said, grinning.

"Anyway, thanks for answering my questions,” I said, sarcastically. “I only have a few more."

"Alek is a fallen champion," Larry said, anticipating my next one. "I picked him over you because of his military experience. He was the next most successful champion after Valentin and Francine. In the end, he switched sides and is now Valentin's primary assassin."

I almost punched Larry in the face. "Alek is a good man."

"He was a good man," Larry said. "Now he's a servant of evil."

I looked down at the ground.

"Your other question is whether Ania loves you," Larry said. "To which the answer is yes but in the way she loves a lot of people and no in the fact that she isn't exclusive. Garland and Thistle did a number on her. Also, she was raised by elves who use sex like a handshake. She was lovers with all of her fellow moon elf ninjas, six fellow Dark Undermasters, and King Arthur."

"I don't need you interfering in my..." I trailed off. "King Arthur, really?"

"Teleportation accident," Weis explained before tapping the side of his head. "As for how I know all of this, I'm in the heads of all of my characters."

I shook my head. This was too damned weird. I really didn't want to know about Ania's sex life before me, even if I already did from the books. I suddenly felt like Dante from Clerks. "Well, I appreciate you talking to me about all of questions. Sort of. However, if you don't mind, I have to get back to rescuing the Little Girl Pope."

"You need to kill the Fire Demon," Weis said, taking back his mug.

"Wait, what?" I asked.

"You need to strike while the iron is hot," Larry said, looking around the tunnel that I realized now was a lava tube. "Veles is holding back his interference but also weakened by losing Chernabog's support. When you slew him, he returned to the Underworld and regained his free will. He's rampaging across the planes of the dishonored and oath-breakers. Plus, Veles no longer is getting energy from the Earth temple. Now is the time you need to strike against the Fire Temple."

I stared at him. "We're kind of busy now. We have armies to recruit as well. Why the Fire Temple anyway?"

"The Wind and Water Temples have defenses you couldn't overcome right now while we've temporarily got an in to the Fire Temple," Larry said. "When Veles first started his plot to end the world, he tried to recruit the fire giants, but Surtur had his own plans for the end of the world. Veles tricked Perun into dis-incorporating him for a few millennia while Zorya Dawnbringer led her armies to defeat his forces in what should have been a peacekeeping mission but ended up more like mass slaughter."

"Uh huh," I said, confused. "The Fire Giant Mountains don't have any fire giants?"

"They have a bunch of undead fire giants," Larry said. "Which is actually worse. Fire elementals, salamanders, efreeti, and magma golems. It’s so bad that the Empire bypasses the region to do their invasions of Ledziania. Mind you, they deny the existence of the Eastern gods, so you can understand why they wouldn't want to expose their troops to the proof otherwise. That and not wanting them to be burned."

"Uh huh," I said.

"You also have to do it alone," Weis said.

I stared at the man, searching for a sign he was joking. I found none. "Are you trying to get me killed?"

"Sadly, I want to keep you alive, which is much harder," Weis replied. "I know of a way to get a single individual to the heart of the Fire Demon's court, skipping all of their armies, but not a party."

"So, you have an incredibly stupid plan that will never work. Got it," I said, before my bracelet pinged. "You know, Gandalf actually took on the Balrog for the Fellowship."

"Gandalf also died and got brought back because Tolkien couldn't think of a way for the Fellowship to succeed without him," Weis said. "I have to live on Earth since Veles would kill me otherwise and each of these trips is highly dangerous. I'd like to be the rare mentor figure who makes it through one of these stories."

I almost told him I would be happy if he didn't. Instead, I just rolled my eyes and said, "I'll put your asinine idea on my list."

MAIN QUEST UPDATED:

JOURNEY TO THE FIRE TEMPLE AND SLAY FIRE DEMON (0/1)

Recommended Level: 20+

I looked down at my bracelet. "Whose side are you on, anyway? Also, as you can see, we're way under-leveled."

Weis caused both coffee mugs in his hands to vanish. "Those are just suggestions anyway."

"Good suggestions," I said, shaking my head. "Because we only survived Chernabog through dumb luck and careful planning."

"Exactly," Weis said, walking down the lava tube. "Which means that it's not just raw numbers that mean the difference between victory and defeat. Actual skill plays a role in combat as well as planning. At level 1, you could theoretically have beaten Chernabog with no armor or magical enhancements."

"And this was my streaming channel where I showed off, I had months to master a video game's controls, I'd consider that a good idea, but I don't," I said, pausing. "Also, those people have thousands of deaths to get good at the game. I only have one in Ledziania. Same as you."

"Exactly!" Weis repeated, giving me a sense of foreboding. "You need to get good."

"That is not my point!" I said, following him.