Garland of Nowhere was alive.

Alive-ish.

Dude looked pretty much like a Death Knight from World of Warcraft and that wasn't a good sign for him to be a potential ally here. I would have been relieved by Alek and Rachel's presence but, well, Alek had already proven to be morally flexible at the best of times while Rachel's agenda was inexplicable. At least if we assumed she wanted to call me daddy and live out some uncomfortable fanfics was just for show.

Please gods, let it be for show.

"So, the reason you wanted me to break away from my team is because you had a bunch of your own people to substitute and we can't all fit into one party, huh?" I asked.

"Also, to isolate you from your allies and make you dependent on me," Susanos said.

"Ha, ha," Jon said, stretching out his wings and accidentally hitting her in the head. "Such a kidder. A real gut-bustingly hilarious Maleficent wannabe, isn't she?"

"Please, Maleficent is based on me," Susanos said, without a hint of irony. That scared me. Veles was already one self-aware villain and that was too many.

"I shall begin opening the portal to your world, Ser Aaron," Susanos said. "In the meantime, feel free to meet with your associates. I'm sure you have much to discuss."

"Really? What does the damned have to say to the damned?" I asked, quoting Brad Pitt from Interview with a Vampire.

"Ooo, good one!" Rachel said, clapping her hands together. "Did you make that one up?"

I paused. "Yes, yes I did."

Alek rolled his eyes and walked over to me. "Listen, Aaron, this is probably confusing."

"You made a deal with another evil overlord when I wasn't looking and left the battle against Belobog to come here," I replied.

"Okay, maybe not confusing," Alek said, sighing. He wasn't nearly as witty as other members of the family but could still hold his own. "I failed to protect Celestyne and my quest for revenge against Weiss failed."

"Yeah, he's dead," I said, dropping that particular bomb. "Veles killed him. This is our last chance to stop him."

Rachel followed Alek and frowned. "Aw, that sucks. Now we're never getting that series finished. Do you think they'll hire Brandon Sanderson to finish it?"

"God, I hope not," I said, horrified. "Maybe Joe Abercombie or Mark Lawrence. Brandon Sanderson? Really?"

"I liked what he did with the Wheel of--" Rachel started to say.

"Guys," Alek said, interrupting. "I know that Aaron likes to run his parties like a sitcom--"

"More like the Marvel Cinematic Universe," I said. "Most sitcoms don't have giant monster fights."

Alek sighed, clearly losing his patience. "But this is important. More important than you could possibly imagine. We have to defend our world."

"Yes, as opposed to defending this one," I said, less than pleased. "My family and fiancé are here, Alek. I also don't see that much difference between the people of Mokosh and the people of Earth. At the end of the day, they're both humans."

"Except for all the people that are, in fact, not human," Rachel said, interjecting.

"Everyone is human," I said, quoting Captain Kirk.

"Yeah, that's just objectively wrong," Rachel said, humorously. "Either way, I've got your back during this."

"Thank you," I said, meaning it. "I"m pretty sure Jon is brainwashed."

"Yeah, boobs will do that," Alek said, not realizing I was speaking literally.

"Undead boobs," Rachel said. "Which I know plenty of guys don't care about but there really is a difference between living and undead. Trust me, I know, I'm a goddess of love."

"You look like one of those Nineties movie girls who shows up to make a boring corporate guy's life better by showing him how to have a good time," Alek said.

"Yeah, I know," Rachel said. "Honestly, Aaron, you have issues."

I rolled my eyes. "I refuse to be judged for the weird shit you did to me."

"Zorya Dawnbringer and I are both the same as well as different," Rachel said. "You can't blame me for anything bad she did. However, I can take credit for everything good she did."

"Sounds like some of my ex-girlfriends," Alek said.

Rachel leaned into Alek. "It doesn't have to be ex!"

Alek gently pushed her away. "Biologically, you being my niece is kind of a turn off."

"Kind of?" I asked.

Alek glared at me.

Rachel put her hand over her heart. "My apologies if I ever make you uncomfortable. It's just how I am with everyone. Love goddess, again."

"Right," I said. "I don't believe that in the slightest."

"You probably shouldn't," Rachel said. "In any case, the Witch Queen's powers have limitations. She can control Jon but probably can't Maelor or you with all of your enhancements."

"Probably?" I asked.

"I can protect Alek," Rachel said. "But that means Maria Rose is probably vulnerable. I can't say on Garland."

"Should we be talking about this in public?" I asked.

"Absolutely not," Rachel said. "But she knows that we know while we know that she knows so that's a thing we both know."

I stared at her. "Gods above and below, you really are a Manic Pixie Dream Girl."

You might be reading a stolen copy. Visit Royal Road for the authentic version.

"I don't know what that is," Alek said. "I'm also afraid to ask."

"I'm just saying we're prepped," Rachel said, looking at me intently. "But the thing you should realize is we all do want to destroy Veles. Veles made a lot of promises to Susanos a long time ago. Promises that became meaningless once he was corrupted by the Twisted Ones. I believe her when she says she wants to destroy him. That's a thing you should trust."

"Woman scorned and all that," I replied. "The thing is that I'm also pretty sure she wants to take Veles' place as god of evil."

"Well, duh," Rachel said, rolling her eyes. "Just because she's the enemy of my enemy doesn't mean she's our friend. She's still a bad guy."

I sighed. "I used to have a lot more faith in redeeming bad guys."

I didn't comment on the fact that included Alek. I'd tried to reconnect with my brother-cousin, as Jon called him, but we had remained somewhat divided despite everything. Perhaps too much water had flowed underneath the bridge, or some crimes were unforgivable. There was also the possibility that Alek had gotten so used to me as his adorable dork of a relation that the fact I'd managed to beat the Old Ones was something he really couldn't parse. After all, he had been meant to be the big hero before me and had utterly botched the job before pursuing personal vengeance. Not even my parents still liked him. Only my sister, Wendy, still came to my defense and I kind of wished she was here instead of him.

"Yeah, that was probably before you started shooting them in the face with magic and then raising from the dead," Alek said. "Hardcore."

I suppressed my response, which was that if I'd done that to him then at least Alek would have atoned for some of his evils. Instead, I tried to think of the situation from his perspective. "Weis is gone."

"So you've said," Alek said, his expression unreadable.

"That means it's over," I replied. "Celestyne is avenged. We have to focus on Veles."

I was referring to the Dragon Queen who had been the co-protagonist of the Dark Undermaster books.

"Weis was killed by someone entirely different than me for reasons unrelated to her murder," Alek said, his voice cold and without emotion. "There's no avenging here. He got away with what he did until he died of unrelated causes."

I opened my mouth to point out that there were a lot of innocent people who had died because of Alek's actions, allies of Weis or not. However, there would be no point. I had a very simple philosophy regarding justice/vengeance: it was alright to pursue it but it shouldn't come at the expense of the living. The primary concern I had right now wasn't whether the Witch Queen had razed kingdoms to the ground or was directly responsible for creating the possibility of Veles entering my world in the first place. No, it was the fact that I didn't trust her to not backstab us before we were victorious. Assuming even with her help that we had a snowball's chance in hell. Maybe I needed to find another nuke and give Veles a taste of his medicine.

"I'm going to go talk to the others," I said, feeling less like I'd made progress here than just confirmed I was exactly where I thought I was with the others. "Maybe I can raise their approval ratings enough to get a loyalty quest or two out of them."

"You realize you don't have to continue to pretend this is a video game, right?" Alek asked. "We're going home."

"Your home, Alek, not mine," I said, sighing. "I hope I'll be able to come back after this but I'm not sure that'll be an option."

That was another reason I was worried about taking the plunge here. Larry C.C. Weis was strong enough to send people from one reality to another and Veles knew how to bring out Epic DungeoneeringTM staff here. Bloodstorm had even made the journey to our world and back. However, everyone else seemed to think interstellar travel was almost impossible. If we did defeat Veles and the Witch Queen didn't betray us, let alone if she did, I had no guarantee there would be a way to return to Mokosh. It would be worth it to save so many lives but I'd still be fucked over by it.

"So, uh, Lady Rose--" I started to say, approaching her and Maelor. Both of them seemed pretty cozy despite events.

"I have no desire to speak with you." Maria Rose said.

"That's rather rude," I muttered, still unable to get over her look. I thought Agata ending up a fireball slinging wizard had been a big change from the books. I supposed resurrection as an undead abomination tended to have a effect on you.

Maria turned to me. "You look identical to my stepson, who seduced both my daughters and married one despite the fact that it turned her into an oathbreaker. You've since followed the same path."

"Technically, I suppose," I said, pausing. "However--"

"You have also usurped the family I married into's home," Maria said. "While working in the name of the gods who cursed it."

I paused. "I'm really not going to win you over, am I?"

"Probably not," Maelor said. "I have encouraged my beloved to seek out her daughters over the past two decades. To make peace with the perilous circumstances that have befallen them. However, each time she has rejected my advice."

"I do not wish them to see me as this," Maria gestured to herself, though I could only see her looking pretty rad. Seriously, I was a big fan of the Bloodrayne games and thought she was due to a revival.

That was when the rest of my brain realized I was checking out my future mother-in-law and I decided to quickly retreat.

"Right," I said, unsure how else to respond. "So, you're coming with us, Maelor?"

"Veles will destroy the entirety of the universe in his present state," Veles said. "The rest of the gods can team up against him and cast him down but will ignore him until he's inflicted unforgettable damage on everything. I made my pact with a very different Veles and regretted it ever since."

"And the Witch Queen?" I asked.

"She cannot rule a world that does not exist," Maelor said, dramatically. "Tell me, how is my grandson to be?"

"Being born last time I checked," I said, unsure how to relate the fact she was probably going to be a reincarnated goddess. "I think Bloodstorm makes Agata very happy and the two of them would make good parents. I don't think that circumstances are going to allow them to be so, at least with this child, though."

"You are very bad at equivocation, Ser Aaron," Maelor said, sighing, "But I actually appreciate you trying to warn me. I know the truth of what is going to happen to the heir to the Rose family. Something I think only you are in a position to understand."

I looked back at Rachel. "Understand may be stretching things. I should have told her before I left."

"Yes, you should have," Maria said, staring at me. "Now my daughter will give birth to an abomination."

She was being really harsh. Then again, the previous Zorya Nightbringer incarnation had tried to kill me multiple times. How much of that was on the Twisted Ones' corruption wasn't something I could really judge.

"You were kidnapped," Maelor said, defending me. "But Agata and Bloodstorm will survive."

"Will they?" Maria asked. "Agata has been forced to be strong but she has ever been more sensitive than her sister."

"That's like saying compared to a bear, I have less hair," Maelor said. "I have faith in your daughters, though. In my son. In Aaron's hanse. His true blooded companions that he loves as family. They will pick up the cause if we fail and if we don't, we have given them the greatest gift we could: a future."

"You are a really good dad for a former evil dictator turned pimp," I said, offering a fist bump.

He left me hanging.

"Gotcha," I said, giving a thumbs up and heading over to the last of the people here. "Yo, Garland! Whassup!"

"Hello, Aaron," Garland said, speaking a throaty deep voice that was pretty close to the one from the video games.

"Oh, you know me," I said, pausing.

"You have slain the four Old Gods," Garland said. "You slew the Lord of the Vampires."

"He wasn't a real vampire," I said, remembering the fight with Radu.

"You married my sister," Garland said.

"We're still engaged," I said, pausing. "You know, not wanting to do anything with the looming threat of ultimate evil."

"Plus, you broke the curse on my adopted father's ghost and homeland," Garland said. "Yes, I know who you are, Aaron."

"I'm glad you remember that more than the fact I've been pretending to be you for a year," I said, pausing. "Sorry?"

"Better you than me," Garland said, sighing. "I was never capable of doing the things that the Wise Man wanted me to. I'm a professional trapper and hunter of monsters but I wasn't a diplomat, tactician, or leader of men."

"I think you underestimate yourself," I said.

"No, I didn't," Garland said. "Maybe if I'd had Celestyne’s help then we could have pulled it off but you know that she was not one to be dominated by anyone, man or god. Once she was replaced by the Nightbringer, I knew the quest was an exercise in futility. So I opted out."

"Opted out," I said.

"Died," Garland said, shrugging. "I was killed by my own men, Aaron. Men who followed you, thinking you were me. Believe me, you are a better Garland than I ever was."

It was a strange situation being praised by a fictional character you'd been reading about since you were fourteen. Also, being praised for things you were pretty sure had been achieved by a combination of dumb luck and rules exploits. "Err, thanks, I guess. You were pretty set on staying dead, though, Garland. What happened?"

Garland turned to me with his glowing eyes. "There's a revolt in Hell."