I woke up to Ania looking down on me as I suffered from an enormous hangover. The sun blazed behind her. "I am getting very mixed signals from you regarding whether we're allowed to sleep with other people."

YOU RECEIVE 4 HP IN DAMAGE; YOU NOW HAVE THE STATUS EFFECT (ANEMIA)

YOU ARE NO LONGER ENTHRALLED

+ YOU HAVE RECEIVED 1 PWIFFLE CARD (THISTLE)

Ah dangit.

I moved my arm in front of my eyes. "Perun told me it wouldn't last an hour. I think it was closer to two."

We hadn’t sex, which was a good thing given I wasn’t sure either of us could meaningfully give consent as a succubus with someone they needed the blood of. Thistle had only bitten my thigh and we’d both started to get undressed when she’d bitten me again and I’d passed out. Honestly, I was half-surprised to find myself still alive since letting yourself be vampire chow was not the healthiest practice to engage in. It also felt like cheating as I hadn’t explicitly told Thistle no either.

"What?" Ania asked.

I leaned up, feeling guilty. "Listen, Ania, I know--"

Ania put her hand on my shoulder. "Aaron, I'm only going to say this once. I don't care. I have never cared. I will only care if you swear never to be with anyone else and then you break that promise. Then I will kill you."

I blinked. "Okay."

Ania nodded. "I also get a favor. Either I get to kill someone you will stupidly try to spare or sleep with Arthur next time I see him. Arthur or Lancelot but she might be into sharing."

I blinked. "She?"

Ania pulled out her knife. "Don't worry, I'll probably be choosing the first. For example, stabbing Thistle right now for biting you without my permission."

I wasn't sure how to respond to her before turning to look at the ground beside me where Thistle was lying.

She'd undergone some changes.

Thistle was lying on the ground with her skin restored to its previous pale hue, but she hadn't lost her wings or horns, though. Instead, her wings were now a beautiful set of black feathers, and her horns were curled golden ones. She didn't remotely look like a succubus anymore, except for the fact she was an extraordinarily hot woman, but now resembled an angel.

ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED - Heaven has gained an angel

- (A) 25 - Complete Thistle's Loyalty Quest

What in the world?

I blinked. "Wait!"

"Are you sure?" Ania asked, her knife in hand. "Because if you're about to become a vamp's blood whore, then I may have to kidnap you and drag you to the Sisters of Mokosh for treatment. That will require locking you up for a few years. I'll wait for you but don't expect me to be faithful. There's dungeon rules for this."

I stared at her. "When did you get a sense of humor?"

Ania looked hurt. "I've always had a sense of humor. I was always the funniest of the Dark Moon."

"Okay," I said, gesturing. "I think she's an angel now. Also, we didn’t go around the bases but only, actually, I’m not sure what baseball metaphor applies for hemoeroticisim.”

"What?" Ania asked. "How? Also, baseball?”

YOU HAVE GAINED SPIRIT SUMMON (THISTLE)

This was getting more confusing every minute. "I don't know?"

"She's a shapeshifter, Aaron," Ania said, shaking her head. "It takes more than a pair of wings to make one into one of the Skyfather's servants."

That was when Thistle woke up, stared, and immediately hugged Ania.

Ania looked horrified.

"Oh, Ania! I have missed you!" Thistle said. "Strange that I feel like a dam has burst within me! I have treated you so poorly and yet you have brought such joy to my life."

"Get off me." Ania still had her knife in the air like Michael Myers but didn't stab the very naked Thistle.

"Uh, how are you feeling?" I said, looking away.

I really felt bad about this.

Just not too bad.

"Aragorn, what have you done to me!" Thistle said, stretching out her hands before kissing me on the lips.

She pressed herself against me.

Ania glared. "Okay, Aaron, you're good but not that good."

"I pledge my eternal loyalty to you, God of Push!" Thistle said, hugging me tighter. Which made me realize I needed to put some clothes on.

Jon flew in and settled down on a nearby perch. He was now a jet-black sparrow. Apparently, he was experimenting with his shape-changing. "Okay, what did I miss?"

Ania looked at him. "Aaron had sex with Thistle and turned her into his brainwashed slave. Also, an angel."

Jon looked between the three of us. "How the hell do I keep missing all the good stuff? Also, Aaron, that is very bad of you! I mean, I'd give you a windmill high five if I had hands, but sex slavery is bad! Unless they're into it, then it's a kink."

Bloodstorm, Ivan, and Agata walked over to the grove to see us. Joan walked behind them, took one look at us, covered her eyes, and walked away.

"The curse is broken!" Thistle said, looking at Ania. "I feel things I could not imagine possible! I need to find my children and tell them I love them! Find my sister and rescue her from this evil alliance! Apologize to my victims!"

Ivan looked unimpressed. "Great, now she's ruined. I liked her when she was a cold-blooded killer who hated everyone."

"We still have Ania for that," Jon pointed out. "Though I suppose Aaron is ruining her too. Do you think it was the magic spooge that overrode her?"

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"I do not have magic spooge!" I snapped, only humiliating myself further. “Also, there was no spooge.”

“Wow, that’s disappointing,” Jon said. “You having a problem down there?”

Ania and I both stared daggers at him.

“Too far, got it,” Jon said.

"As a vampire, drinking his fluids could theoretically have resulted in the rebooting of her immune system and his holy essence would remake her from a demon into an angel," Bloodstorm paused. "As for breaking the divine curse of Nightbringer, I suppose Aaron even as a smaller god's power would overwhelm her power inside her. This is all theoretical, though.”

Agata looked at Ania. "Well, I suppose she'll definitely be showing effects then. How much would you say you've drank of his fluids?"

“Ania hasn’t drank of my blood,” I replied.

Ania coughed. “Not that fluid.”

“Oh right,” I muttered, looking over my shoulder and scratching the back of my neck.

"Tough to say," Jon said. "They haven't known each other that long."

"It is her preferred method, though," Agata said. "Trust me, I can tell at a glance."

Ania stared. "You're rapidly moving past Jon in terms of party members I have to kill. Ivan and Thistle are still at the top but just barely."

"Me, what did I do?" Ivan asked.

Ania stared.

"Oh, right, family blood feud and all that," Ivan said, waving his hand. "Carry on."

"Does this mean Aaron can save all of the Dark Moon assassins by sleeping with them? I mean if they’re vampires or swallowers," Jon asked. "Because that would help the war effort against the Wind Demon. I mean they're all hot elvish ladies if the fan art is accurate and it would cleanse them of Nightbringer's power."

"Jon, please stop," I said. "This is...embarrassing as is."

Ania looked furious but I wasn’t sure about which part, assuming it wasn’t everything.

"Actually, that might work," Agata said, looking thoughtful. "We'll put that as a plan B. Also, I need to consult the Great Mother about whether Ania is capable of giving birth now. She’ll need some herbs. Pregnancy by her ke’tar would be fine after the quest to kill Veles but not during. Mine are strictly limited.”

“I still possess my pact with the Dark Moon goddess,” Ania said, referring to Nightbringer. “Believe me, I’d know if it was broken.”

“We can assemble samples and test them on volunteers,” Ivan said. “Probably cup based. I wouldn’t want to let a Dark Moon assassin down there. You’re not likely to have everything back in the end.”

“Regeneration spells exist but you raise a valid point,” Agata said.

All the men in the area shuffled their legs uncomfortably.

"Oh God," I said, staring at the ground. "That's what this is. This entire time I've been trapped in a fantasy version of Austin Powers.”

“The second movie disappointed me with its lack of Elizabeth Hurley," Bloodstorm said. "I'm not saying Heather Graham wasn't hot but, you know, Elizabeth Hurley."

"So this is Hell," I muttered, trying and failing to gently push Thistle away.

"Yes, clearly you have suffered such horrible torments being forced to sleep with my ex," Ania said, growling before pausing. "Weird, I'm feeling a strange sense of possessiveness and desire to hurt Thistle. Aaron too to an extent. What is this sensation?"

"You mean jealousy?" I asked.

"Oh is that what that is?" Ania asked, pausing. "I don't like it."

“Ah,” I said, nodding.

“Except it’s not jealousy,” Ania corrected. “It’s worry she tried to kill you.”

“Wait, what?” I asked. “But she needed the blood and…”

Thistle pulled away and proceeded to conjure a red flame-colored bikini top and loincloth that looked distinctly like Zorya Dawnbringer. It became a little more noticeable with the fact she was wielding both of Zorya's blades as well as her crown.

"What the hell is that?" I asked.

Thistle looked down, guilty, as she spread out her wings. "Sorry, Ser Aaron, but I admit I went through your things while you were asleep. I planned to take what I could and go to kill my sister. Now that feels like a bad thing."

I stared at her and not for the reasons I'd been staring at her earlier. "You were going to rob me?"

"Those are nice swords," Ania said, annoyed. "You should have given them to me."

"I didn't think that giving you the swords of the lover I just murdered was appropriate, especially after the last swords of a dead god resulted in my being severely affected," I said, not sure how to feel to Thistle's sudden personality shift.

"Fuck that," Ania said. "Those swords are awesome. I need the bonuses."

"Aaron, your argument would be better if you were wearing pants," Jon said. "Admittedly, we have a lot of things to distract me right now. Like, for instance, the fact that we've had a serious conversation about your magic gunk."

I went to put on a pair of undergarments. "You know, you'd think becoming a god would result in more respect."

"Given our quest is explicitly about assassinating the gods, I think you'd be wrong," Ania said. "Also, take a bath before we make love again. You’ve got corpse on you.”

"I am sorry for the fact I tried to turn you into a weapon against your own race," Thistle said. "I am not sorry for teaching you the ways of murder. You have always been one of the greatest of us all and my finest student."

Ania looked at me. "Aaron, can you store her in your rune? Just like summon her for combat or..."

"Parties?" Jon asked.

"Seriously, Jon?" Ania asked.

"Oh, like you weren't thinking it," Jon said. "Obviously, we need some consent boundaries. Neither of you is allowed to use mind control without written permission beforehand. Get one of those Fifty Shades of Grey contracts. I'm sure Ania knows the basics."

Ania felt her head. "This is a lot to take in. Thistle is someone I have a lot of complicated feelings towards. However, this isn't...her. Also, I was pretty sure she was going to betray us, but this isn't the solution. Wait, was she using mind control on Aaron?"

"That's punishable by death among the Sisterhood," Agata said.

I wasn't sure how to respond and was of the mind that mentioning she'd enthralled me was probably not going to contribute to the situation being resolved peacefully. "I'm not sure that is relevant right now..."

"Not relevant?" Ania asked, appalled.

"Oh, I did betray you as well as attempted to dominate your lover," Thistle said, pausing. "I signaled the sisterhood in hopes of kidnapping Pontiff Joan and carrying you, Ania, off to brainwash into our goddess' service again. I also planned to kill Aaron during sex as it seemed the easiest way to stop his already well-known capacity to think through desperate situations. You should probably get prepared for battle. Sorry!"

"Wait, what?" I asked.

Ania stared and drew Lightbringer before aiming it at her.

Agata conjured her staff and Bloodstorm held out his hand, summoning his maul to it like the Mighty Thor calling mjolnir.

That was when Joan ran back, and I saw an arrow had been embedded in her back. It was jet black and made of a kind of oily black substance that seemed to be burning in the sunlight above the camp. It took me a second to realize it was living shadow.

"Mothersucker," I said, running to her side and casting a CURE (II) spell.

Joan looked up, looking barely conscious despite my efforts. "We're under attack."

Almost immediately, I saw explosions of blackness spread throughout our camp, each one producing one of the cloaked elvish assassins of the Dark Moon sisterhood. The fan art hadn't been accurate, at least in the context that they were all blue-skinned bikini-wearing beauties with big bosoms, but were all athletic well-armed killers covered in tattoos as well as ritual scarification. Which, if female Darth Maul and La Muerta was your personal kink, then more power to you but wasn't a traditional standard of beauty.

The Dark Moon elves were all an elite band of killers and more akin to Sith Lords with their superhuman speed, shadow powers, and ability to teleport. The fact they were attacking us in broad daylight when their powers were weakest was a slight benefit but not one that made our chances great, especially since there seemed to be a dozen of these hardened warriors.

Their first attack was also a devastating one as two of them blasted Bloodstorm with a shadowy set of tendrils that wrapped around him like an octopus, smothering his otherwise grandiose strength before forcing him to the ground. Three of them fired their shadow bows directly at Ania, only for Thistle to throw herself in front of them, taking the bolts to her chest as another two were fired into her.

Oh, it's on like Donkey Kong, Perun said in my mind, his inexplicable Southern drawl even thicker than before. Time to break out the big gun, son!

What? I asked.

Perun exerted himself on me and I found myself lifting my hand in the air before shouting the god's name involuntarily. "Perun!"

In my hands appeared a sword that was like no human blade and resembled something straight out of Halo with its futuristic design for one of the world's oldest weapons. The strange sword crackled with lightning bolts as I felt myself charging up with divine energy that made every hair on my body stand up except for my golden hair.

A group of six Dark Moon elves pulled their katana and wakizashi out before charging at me to slash me to pieces, their movements like short teleports in a zig zag pattern that made striking them impossible.

I swung the blade in the air instead, feeling the full power of the divine release as I struck nothing but concentrated on them. "PUSH!"

Thunder cracked.

A lightning bolt struck a nearby tree.

The resulting blast of wind channeled through my sword sent all six Dark Moon elves flying a hundred feet in the air. The remaining Dark Moon elves all concentrated their bows and shadow magic on me.

Booya! Perun shouted. Divine mishaps my ass!

That was when the ground collapsed underneath me.