Finishing up my updating of my character sheet, I found a button that allowed me to close it out as well as mute the background music being provided by the bracelet. The orchestra music playing was soothing but added to the unreality of everything in a way I didn't want to deal with. I wanted my brain to catch up with the fact that this was really happening. I'd been grabbed by the proverbial tornado and dumped in the land of Oz. Unfortunately, there was no yellow brick road to follow and no silver slippers to click three times to take me home.

I briefly explored the other options with the bracelet's menu. It really did function like a video game interface but was lacking any way to log out, save game, or pause. I couldn't adjust the difficulty either. That made sense with the idea this world was "real" but I wasn't taking anything for granted right now. Another thing I noticed was that the bracelet came with a glossary and codex.

Huh, that would be useful.

One thing was glaringly absent, though. "No actual instructions on how to use any of this."

Jon took rest on a nearby signpost. "You expected it to teach you how to shoot WEB and equip your clothing?"

"Kind of, yeah," I replied.

"Well, that's why I'm here," Jon replied. "Weis reincarnated us with the purpose of passing on our advice to future champions in hopes we could advise you to not get yourself killed in the same stupid ways we did."

Looking around the village, I noticed people were already pouring out from where they were hiding to gather around at the keep. Some of them were putting the destroyed undead into piles or gathering bodies. Others were gathering buckets to put out fires. A lot more people seemed to have survived the battle than I expected. Which, to my surprise, I felt no small amount of pride in. I may have been kidnapped to come here but I'd done real good in my short time here.

Probably something more important than anything else I'd done in my life so far. After all, I didn't have a wife or kids or career where I saved lives. I hadn't even created anything of note as a software programmer. The most important thing I'd done was updating Cyber Dragons 3000, so it didn't crash every time you passed 75 mph while driving downtown on a motorcycle. Players really hated that.

"Well don't expect me to repeat it but I owe you, Jon," I replied. "I probably wouldn't have managed to survive the tutorial without your guidance."

"Oh, you absolutely wouldn't have," Jon said. "Also, I'm a way better mentor than the raven that was assigned to me. She was like, 'save innocents this', 'fight evil that', and even suggested I roleplay. God."

"Don't ever change, Jon," I said, before a sad thought crossed my mind. "Is there any way to get you back to, uh, normal?"

"I'm dead, Aragorn, not cursed," Jon said. "No cure for that."

I wasn't so sure about that. "You said the bad guys can bring back their minions, Jon. Also, you're alive. Just different."

"Resurrection is strictly a better living through evil sort of thing," Jon said. "Besides, you've seen how people typically come back. Skeletons and zombies for the lower-level goons, strigoi and death lords for the higher levels. Reincarnation seems to be how the good guys do it. Which sucks because I have to live vicariously through you now."

"Ah," I said, trying to articulate my thought. "But—"

"Ravens can't exactly wag the dog if you catch my meaning," Jon said. “At least, I haven’t figured out a way to.”

I didn't. "What?"

"Choke the chicken, spank the monkey, stroke the—" Jon started to explain.

"Ah," I said, interrupting. "Gotcha."

"I still am attracted to humans and humanoids," Jon said. "It's hellish, really. But if let me watch while you—"

"No," I interrupted again. "Never bring that up again."

"Spoilsport."

"But we're not in our bodies when we moved to this world," I said, looking at myself. "At least I wasn't this ripped when I was a geek from Michigan. Maybe they're waiting for us back on Earth. Maybe if I do manage to beat Veles and the other Old Gods, we'll like, I dunno, wake up back on our world with everyone restored."

"Like Jumanji?" Jon asked, confused.

"I never saw those movies," I muttered. "A shame because I'm a huge Robin Williams and Karen Gillan fan."

"For different reasons I assume," Jon said before sighing. "But no, I don't think it's that kind of story, Arago—"

"Aaron, please," I corrected.

"It fits better here," Jon said. "No one has read the books or even watched the movies here but us."

"Please," I added.

Jon shrugged. "Fine. I don't think it's that kind of story. Weis may be the resident Gandalf or Merlin of this world but he's not exactly Lawful Good. Or White Alignment as this rip off world calls it. He's called the Wise Man here and what little I bothered to learn about the local lore says he's very much an 'ends justify the means' sort of guy. He doesn't care how his champions beat the Old Gods as long as they do. Also, how many innocents get caught in the crossfire."

That tracked with my impression of him. "Yeah, Wise Man is literally what wizard translates to."

"Don't tell me how making a multimedia fantasy franchise plays into that," Jon said. "I hope it was for more reasons than just believing software jockeys were the best people to fight evil because, wow, that was not a smart play."

"Right," I muttered.

Jon surprised me with his next words. "You can actually go out to where I died and find my body. It's probably been picked over by scavengers, but it might be worth it to check it out. For my cards if nothing else."

My bracelet pinged:

SIDEQUEST(S) ADDED:

RECOVER JON SNOWAN’S REMAINS

Recommended Level: 18

Reward: Jon Snowan's possessions

"Oh, you've got to be kidding me," I muttered, looking at the sight.

"Yeah, don't try and go for it before then," Jon said. "The beef gate is punishing for going outside of the right areas you're leveled for."

"Jon, is it possible that, maybe, you're just viewing this world the wrong way?" I asked.

"Says the guy who just got three achievements," Jon said.

That was when I noticed many townsfolk were gathered outside of the town square before Dragon Keep's entrance. There was a lot of whispering, pointing, and discussion that made me uncomfortable. Ania and Ser Emberly were also finishing up their conversation in front of the late Skull king's mount. The demon steed hadn't moved at all since the death of its master, and I was still confused at how I now "owned" it.

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That was when Ser Emberly turned around and waved to me. "Garland, my boy!"

Piotr Emberly had been a character since the first book, A Court of Devils, and had taken on Garland as an apprentice after he'd been kicked out of the Rose House for some reason. Literally, I was just hitting puberty when I last read it. He'd once been one of the greatest demon hunters in the world but had lost himself to food, drink, womanizing, and corruption. He still fought the Old Gods and their minions but regularly accepted bribes from the Empire and other shady parties while overcharging villagers for monster slaying. Despite this, the books had always treated him as a good man who'd lost his way rather than a genuinely evil one.

Piotr certainly looked like the image I'd had in my head with a salt and pepper beard, round belly, plus armor that didn't quite look right. I could see the many glowing runes woven into his black coat, weapons, and jewelry too. He might not have had much in the way of fighting prowess in his body, but magic was a hell of a compensator. Probably the equivalent of a performance enhancing drug regime for guys who should have retired by now.

"I'm not Garland," I replied, looking at him. "I just look like him but I'm really from—"

I noticed Ania shaking her head.

Piotr came up to me and slapped me on the back. "Oh, you lovable rogue, you! Always with the pranks. What a jest! What a jest!"

I blinked. "Right, yes, I'm joking."

"Brilliant work with the Skull King," Piotr said. "I understand you carved a nice slice from his forces on your way to relieve me too."

Piotr seemed to be over-selling my efforts in the tutorial, unexpected ending as it may have been. "Ania did a lot of the work herself."

"It was a miserable defeat," Ania said, not mincing words. "There's almost no remnants of the Undermaster order left. Not to mention the civilian casualties."

"Shame, shame," Piotr said as if he wasn't really listening. "The fact remains we do have a headquarters without an order, though. I know you wish to take the fight to the Old Gods in their grand temples—"

"I do?" I asked, skeptically.

"But we need an army to distract Veles forces for you to get close to him," Piotr said. "Only by banishing him to the Underworld again can we bring an end to this curse. That means getting allies."

I found myself annoyed with the lack of originality on display here. Was this final book really going to be a rehash of assembling allies to fight the Dark Lord ala The Lord of the Rings? Hell, Dragon Age and Mass Effect 3. What was next? Go gather the four orbs of light by slaying the Elemental Fiends?

"You'll also have to destroy each of the lieutenant gods' avatars in their grand temples before relighting the sacred fires. Each corresponds to one of the alchemical elements that empower the world's magic," Piotr said.

Mothersucker. That was the plot to the original Final Fantasy. Maybe I'd overestimated Weis' writing ability. "That sounds like a tall order."

"You'll have to assemble your old companions if you want to have a chance," Piotr said, seemingly not missing an opportunity to revisit every cliche in the book. "I won't lie to you, this is probably a suicide mission but if there's anyone in the world, I trust to defeat this threat then it is you, Garland."

Ania narrowed her eyes at me, silently saying, This is all your fault.

I glared back at her, replaying with my stare, I didn't do this!

Ania turned to Piotr. "We should contact the Dragon Queen. Her forces would be essential to fighting this threat."

Piotr got a sour expression on his face. "Celestyne von Piast-Jagiellon is a poor choice in allies despite Garland's, ahem, close ties with her."

Ania's expression soured.

"Yeah, those ties," I muttered.

"Her excessive affection for peasants and army of nonhuman vagrants has not won her the love of the nobility," Piotr said. "Instead, she has been driven back to the city of Kalizov and is presently under siege by her sister, Queen Apollonia. I believe it will not be long until Celestyne is slain and labeled a usurper."

"So, what, you suggest we ally with the Mad Queen?" Ania asked.

"I wouldn't call her that and yes," Piotr replied, resolutely. "After all, she can't conquer the Southern Kingdoms if everyone is undead."

The primary political conflict of the books had always been between the identical twin sisters of the Kingdom's (never named Ledziania in the books) royal family. The short version being Celestyne was the good one and Apollonia was the bad one. Apollonia used magic to turn her sister into a dragon, hence Celestyne's nickname, and ruled in her sister's place with great cruelty as a catspaw of the Empire. Garland broke the spell in the first book and Celestyne became a kind of weredragon that occasionally showed up to blast his enemies. She also tried to assemble an army to help her overthrow her sister. I mostly remembered the plots for the long and involved sex scenes and excessive amounts of fan art done about her.

"I assume the other two groups we should recruit are the Northmen Rus and Great Forest elves," Ania said, as if she'd had this conversation before and resented having to repeat it. Which she probably had multiple times.

"If the Great Forest elves don't help, choose to contact the Vukodlaks," Piotr said. "The wolfmen are no friends of Veles."

Yeah, this was all typical good but less effective versus evil and more powerful choices. Very lazy storytelling and I had to wonder if this was what we'd really waited almost eleven years to read. "What will you be doing?"

"Contacting the Empire," Piotr said as if this was the hardest job of them all. Which it possibly was. Being a guy who had grown up in Poland in the aftermath of WW2, or so he'd claimed, Weis wrote the German-coded Empire as complete bastards. A pretty easy way to make sure your books got past the Soviet censors. Then again, I was once more confronted with the fact this wasn't a product of Larry C.C. Weis' imagination but history he'd been recording. Maybe? I mean, Ania didn't look like she'd aged eleven years since the last book. Dammit, I kept falling down the hole of trying to think this through.

"Yeah, well, good luck with that," I said, wondering what the likelihood of him succeeding would be according to the laws of narrative.

Dammit, there I went again.

Piotr looked back to the gutted ruins of Dragon Keep. "Which brings me to my next point. The Dark Undermaster order has been savaged. There may be less than a hundred of us left in the world."

"More like three," Ania muttered under her breath. "This was the last bunch."

"Nonsense," Piotr said. "We'd have to have lost Dragon Keep a dozen times to be completely wiped out."

Somehow even Jon looked pained at that statement.

Piotr didn't seem to notice. "We will need a place to rally our forces once we've assembled them all and Dragon Keep is in no shape to handle them now. So I am, as the highest-ranking Dark Undermaster left, appointing you as Brother Lord of Dragon Keep."

"What," I said simultaneously with Ania.

Clearly, this part hadn't occurred in previous loops.

"Wow, congratulations," Jon said, hopping up and down. "The game actually changed its storyline. If you're defeated by Skull King, you just get named castellan. You don't get named Lord until you actually beat-beat Skull King, or so the quest journal indicated."

"Aw, isn't it cute how your little pet bird squawks," Piotr said, actually reaching over to pet it. Apparently, only bearers of the mark could understand him. Maybe druids or rangers too if they existed in this world. Again, it had been a long time since I'd read them.

Jon snapped at him and flipped him off with one wing.

"I'm not worthy," I said, absolutely meaning it.

"Nonsense, Garland!" Piotr said, slapping me on the back. "If we had a quorum, I might elect you as the new Overmaster of our order. You are a legendary hero in the making and Dragon Keep was as much your home as any other member of the Rose family."

"It really wasn't," Ania interjected.

"It is only right that you serve as its lord and master for the rest of your natural life," Piotr said. "Obviously, you'll have to rebuild it for the coming battle, though. I'm sure an enterprising young man as yourself will be able to find the masons, carpenters, iron, and gold to pay for it, though."

Oh great, another obvious quest and it was a construction one. "Ania would be much better—"

"Our first and only sister will be welcome, of course," Piotr said. "Perhaps she will even have her lineage take over as the next Brother Lord. Our order may be forbidden from taking wives, but bastards have long been a source of new recruits and I'm sure you'll provide us with dozens."

Ania's hand moved down to her short sword and her eyes told me she was considering murdering us all.

I couldn't blame her as I was stealing her family's ancestral home. "I'm really not Garland."

"Farewell, Garland!" Piotr said, walking over to a fully saddled war horse one of the villagers brought to him. "Remember, you're our last hope!"

He proceeded to trot off without saying another word.

MAIN QUEST(S) ADDED:

ASSEMBLE ARMIES TO FIGHT VELES' HORDE 0/3

Recommended Level: Explore further to find out

Reward: Unknown

ASSEMBLE COMPANIONS (1/6)

Recommended Level: Explore further to find out

Reward: Recruitable Companion

DEFEAT THE OLD GODS SERVING VELES (0/4)

Recommended Level: Explore further to find out

Reward: Unknown

REBUILD DRAGON KEEP (0/12)

Recommended Level: Any

Reward: Upgraded Dragon Keep

SIDEQUEST(S) ADDED:

EXPLORE DRAGON KEEP WITH ANIA (0/1)

Recommended Level: 2

Reward: 200 EXP

Ania stared at me then turned around and walked over to Dragon Keep's entrance where some elderly villagers stood. I couldn't help but feel terrible about all this. I also felt terrible about the fact I checked out how tight armor fitted her.

Oof.

Not the time, Aaron.

"Well, that went well," Jon said, looking between us.