"So, you need to talk about marrying the Dragon Queen?" Jon asked, sitting on a branch of a nearby tree.

"No," I said. "We're not doing that."

"Really? Because in the books this is the kind of question the hero agonizes over," Jon said.

I took a deep breath. "This is a terrible plan that would require me to lie about my identity for the rest of my life. We're resurrecting the Dragon Queen anyway. Ivan's motivations are highly suspect--"

"Really? Because I think his motivations are to gain as much power as possible," Jon said. "However, you're not going to get a better deal from him."

I frowned. "Right."

"We also have an alternative candidate," I pointed out, not mentioning her by name.

"You mean the Popelette," Jon said. "Bad idea."

"She seems nice," I said, aware that wasn't the best endorsement for someone to have ultimate power.

"Yes, because mixing religion and government has never backfired in the past," Jon replied, looking over at her. She was sitting on a log staring forward.

I glared at Jon. "I've got a lot of irons in the fire man, okay. I don't need people suggesting I marry queens or sleep with goddesses or trying to use me. Which sucks because everyone is doing that."

"Oh you poor baby," Jon said. "Wait, are you resisting this plan because you want to be monogamous with Ania?"

Jon's beak hung open in horror.

I rolled my eyes. "Yes, because sleeping with Ania for the rest of my life is such a chore. Am I attracted to other women? Yes. I absolutely would sleep with Mokosh again. I don't regret that I was with Zorya, however tragic the ending. Have I thought about Thistle ever since I saw how those pants ride up her...."

I noticed Jon looking away.

"Ania's behind me, isn't she?" I asked, turning around.

She was standing there, her expression lacking any real emotion "Aaron, do you talk about anything other than stories from your world's fiction or sex?"

"Sometimes I talk about how I am terrified of failing and how much my family embarrasses me," I said.

Ania nodded. "In any case, I've noticed that Joan is somewhat depressed seeming. You should go speak with her."

"You care about people's feelings now?" Jon asked, raising his wing. "AWAY VILE HARLOT! I KNOW YOU ARE A DOPPELGANGER! BACK TO THE DARK DIMENSION WITH YOU!"

Ania stared, remaining stone faced. "Uh huh."

"Jon, please."

"Seriously, this is the Ania from Nega-Mokosh where up is down and left is right," Jon said. "She probably collects tiny wooden horses and listens to Taylor Swift. What's next? Her wearing colors other than blood red or black?"

Ania blinked. "I do, in fact, like tiny wooden horses and used to collect them. Also, I have heard the music selection on your ebook reader. She is the woman who is shaking it off, correct?"

"Ah! Demon!" Jon said, taking flight and disappearing over the treetops.

"What a strange bird," I said, watching him leave.

"You can't marry the Dragon Queen," Ania said, her voice never changing tone. "I'm not giving you up."

"Oh, good, we're in agreement," I said.

"Seducing her or the Mad Queen might get us the army, though," Ania said. "So keep that as an option."

I facepalmed. "My life is never-ending chaos."

Ania sighed. "I don't like being emotionally supportive, Aaron. I don't like being nice to people. I prefer to keep myself as cold and unfeeling as the steel I carry."

"I hadn't noticed," I said, not meeting her gaze.

"But my sister is with me, I'm with a man I love, my father's spirit is at peace, and we've actually won some meaningful victories against Veles. As such, I'm trying to be..." Ania trailed off.

"Nice?" I asked.

"No, that doesn't sound like me," Ania paused. "Amenable. I also understand how important morale can be, especially in a fragile alliance as the one we've found ourselves in. So, knowing that I am terrible at dealing with people, I'd like to send you to do it in my place. Ivan is secure, I believe, he has no other allies. Joan is someone who needs a family and I think we can be that for her. Being, as, well, we are her family."

"And Thistle?" I asked.

"I hate her," Ania said, looking away to a nearby tree where I saw the elf was meditating in the treetops.

Naked.

Which was how elves meditated it seemed.

Huh.

I blinked. "Okay."

"And I loved her," Ania said. "But she never loved me. She wasn't capable. I can't help but also feel like I had a child's idea of what love was when we were together. I mourned her, buried her, and moved on. Now she's back, like she never left, and it's hard not to have mixed emotions."

"Mixed like threatening to kill her and showing off your new boyfriend?" I asked.

"Yes," Ania said, sounding just the slightest bit embarrassed. "I know you have the plan to resurrect the Dragon Queen, don't say otherwise, I know how you think. You want to right wrongs as much as avenge them. However, that's Veles' magic at work and I don't trust it. Thistle claims to have been redeemed by the Pontiff's magic but I can't believe it's that easy. It's not Veles' magic I fear tainting her but the Nightbringer's. Thistle was always the most devoted of us to the Dark Moon and her call to vengeance. Even if she's not tainted by either, she's been dead for a decade and who knows what changes that has caused her."

Unauthorized reproduction: this story has been taken without approval. Report sightings.

"You think she might be a spy or assassin," I said, pausing. "I mean, for the enemy. She's a spy and assassin professionally."

Yeah, clearly I needed to sink some more points into WIS.

"Or a trap," Ania said, not commenting on my idiotic statement. "Someone to break us up or seduce us or both."

"Right," I said. "Look but don't touch."

Ania scrunched her brow. "Is your mind really still there?"

"Maybe!" I said, embarrassed.

Ania sighed. "Do I need to get you--"

Realizing what she was about to offer, I said, "No, no, it's fine. I'm very clear headed. I know what our boundaries are."

I absolutely did not or know what I wanted out of things. I wanted to be with Ania and she wanted to be with me but I wasn't sure whether monogamy was in her vocabulary. Indeed, Mokosh had literally said our relationship would benefit if I made her jealous. Which was a messed-up thing to hear from the goddess of love. The fact was, I didn't want anyone else. I could look at the menu and appreciate it was there, but I wanted my favorite.

Ugh, that sounded so sexist.

But I was in love.

You can love someone and still bang other people, Perun’s voice spoke in my head. Really, it’s the key to a successful marriage among gods.

Tell that to Zeus and Hera, I replied, unhappy to find that my electric passenger was still with me.

Zeus is a rapist who also doesn’t let Hera play around, Perun said. Also, he banged his mother and grandmother. That’s just weird.

Do I want to know about you and the Zoryas? I asked.

Are we counting reincarnations and alternate identities? Perun asked. Because I’ve been my own other gods and my own descendants a few times.

That’s not a denial, I replied.

Says you.

So, you slept with your daughters, I said, disgusted.

Dude, I’m you right now so that means I’ve banged Dawnbringer and our daughter who is Dawnbringer. So, no throwing stones in glass houses.

Right, I replied, blinking. Not sure how to untangle that even with a 24 INT.

You’ve also already slept Nightbringer but only in her human avatar. So, congratulations, you’ve already hit the trifecta.

ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: MAIDEN, MOTHER, AND GILF

50 – (A) SLEEP WITH ALL THREE GODDESSES OF LOVE

“What?” I asked aloud.

Eh, spoilers, Perun replied. Probably shouldn’t have said anything. If you want to continue your divine spree. You’ll have to either broaden your horizons or convince the male gods to assume a female avatar. Personally, I have strong preferences on my shape, but Veles would have won the war if he’d pulled a Loki and looked like Angelina Jolie instead of Peter Stormare. Sorry, hoss, but this monogamy thing isn’t going to last an hour with you.

I was annoyed and insulted as well as arguing with a voice in my head. Great, I’m in a harem anime with a horny ghost god.

Not a harem. More like monogamy with exceptions. You and Odysseus have a lot in common. So do you and Garland. You and Ania herself. You and your daughter who banged two dudes and one genderbending elf at the Wind Temple yesterday. Takes after her mom, or herself, I guess.

“Wait, is that where she is?” I asked aloud, mentally deciding to go to the Wind Temple next.

Oops, gotta go! Perun said before vanishing from the back of my mind again.

I shook my head and started toward Joan before looking down at her. “Before we continue, Joan, can our subsequent conversation be PG instead of PG-13? I’ve had way, way too much cringe in my brain today.”

“I don’t know what that means,” Joan said. “Though I’m guessing from your never-ending struggles with being teased, it has to do with either incest or conjugal relations.”

“You could say that,” I said. “Should I ask Ania to marry me?”

Probably something I should have asked Agata or, you know, a grown woman but I was in a bad headspace.

“I think she’d stab you,” Joan said.

“Probably,” I said.

“But she’d feel really bad about it,” Joan said. “Are you okay, Aaron?”

“No,” I replied. “But I’m here to ask about you.”

“I miss my dog,” Joan said, staring down at the ground.

“Oh,” I replied. “Wait, you mean Sparky?”

“Yes,” Joan said. “He was a good friend even if I only knew him a week. I think I may have inadvertently driven him from the group. I thought he needed to train more before he was ready to be a Dark Undermaster. Dragon or not.”

“I think that was more his mother,” I said, softy. “Besides, I’m not comfortable with having a kid brought into dangerous situations.”

Joan looked up.

“Right,” I said, sighing. “No offense, that includes you.”

“I managed to drive off Belobog,” Joan said.

"I'm not saying you're not an overpowered little moppet," I replied, taking a joking tone. "But I also know that if you get yourself horribly killed then I'm going to never forgive myself."

"Girls my age are getting horribly killed all the time," Joan said. "This is a war for the life of all beings."

I didn't disagree. "Yeah, it is. But unless you can turn yourself into an adult, say twenty or so, I don't think that I can do anything more than try to protect you."

"I can--"

"Please don't," I replied, raising my hands. "That wasn't a suggestion, Jon has made enough Sailor Moon jokes."

Joan sighed. "Yes, he asked me if Mythras was grooming me and whether or not I could point to where he touched me on the doll."

I blinked. "How is Jon still alive?"

Joan closed her eyes. "I have no idea. To be clear, Mythras only sleeps with a portion of his priestesses and all over thirty. He prefers women with experience."

"Yay him," I said, sarcastically. "I suppose that makes it all better."

"Doesn't it?" Joan asked, confused.

I paused. "Okay, point to Team Mythras. Not a child grooming cult. So, uh, you're upset because of Sparky, huh?"

"No," Joan said. "Well, not just Sparky. I've been consulting the oracles all day. Our chances are extremely low."

"Oracles?" I asked.

"Dice," Joan said, showing a pair of dice twenty-siders that just made this world even weirder. "Each number has a meaning when I channel them and if I'm lucky then I get an accompanying vision."

"Ah," I said. "So, in addition to being the Pope, you're also Mua'dib."

"Sure, I know who that it is too," Joan said, sarcastically. "In most realities, we all die before we defeat the four Old Gods, let alone triumph over Veles."

"Most, but not all," I replied.

"Yes," Joan said. "In one reality, you manage to defeat Veles but die in the process. Svarog, Mokosh, and Mythras also die in the process with the Old Gods unable to form new avatars. Without the gods to hold back the Twisted Ones, all seems lost. Your daughter rises to become a terrifying god queen who dominates this world for a thousand years. She eventually conquers Earth as well a dozen other inhabited worlds.”

"Not great," I replied.

"In the next reality, you are wed to the Dragon Queen and successfully unite the Empire with the Southern Kingdoms into a terrifying magocracy," Joan said. “Your compassion has been stolen from you by Zorya Nightbringer and instead of a dark lord trying to exterminate everyone, you are a calculating dictator who controls them in the name of the greater good. Worse, you’re too smart to do it poorly like most tyrants. People don’t bother to resist even as every decision is made for them. They only care they’re happy and taken care of. Ironically, I believe this was the Wise Man’s planned world, but you succeed where he never could.”

"Ah, the Gandalf with the One Ring ending. Let's call that Plan Z," I replied, surprised I was Gandalf in this situation. "Any others where Veles doesn’t kill everyone?"

“One,” Joan said. "There's a reality where I'm eighteen, covered in glowing tattoos, and riding a magical two wheeled device in a city full of giant obelisk-shaped castles with people that have metal parts. You're there with your usual collection of exotic companions holding a modernized blunderbuss working to take down Epic Dungeoneering via a heist. Oh, and Ania is pregnant with something called a nano-baby."

I blinked, processing that she was describing Cyber Dragons 2080. "Are you having a go at me, Lollipop? Also, you forgot the trademark."

“I like lollipops but fear you’re making a pun,” Joan said. “In any case, none of these visions necessary mean anything.”

“Oh?” I asked, confused. “Why?”

“The Wise Man and Veles can both see the future as well,” Joan said. “Thus, they take steps to alter the probabilities of fate in their own direction. That’s why they’ve arranged their game the way they have. It’s the only way to keep things in a somewhat orderly pattern.”

“I thought it was because Weis beat Veles in game of Pwiffle,” I said.

“That too,” Joan said. “I like Pwiffle. Would you like to play a game?”

I stared at her as I struggled with my inner demons. “Do not tempt me!”

“Uh, what?”

“I admit I have longed for this, but I would use Pwiffle, trying to be good, but it is a force that can only be used for evil!” I deliberately quoted Gandalf in hopes of drawing from his will to resist the One Ring.

“Are you okay, Mr. Bartkowski?”

“I must fly! Fly from this place!” I said, swishing my Dark Undermaster cloak and speeding away.

I heard her say as I departed, “What an odd fellow.”

Now it was time to talk to Thistle.