I was standing in front of the hideous stooped over albino troll that was twice the size of the others in the sewer-dwelling clan. His stone throne was made of broken pieces of rubble assembled into a chair and his crown was welded together pieces of metal. The throne room was the portal chamber.

"Rorrrr ruurrr arrhhh ruuur ruur," the Troll King said, speaking in a language that didn't automatically translate into English, but I understood anyway. Weirdly, because an English translation appeared under his face in subtitles. I had no idea why this was the case versus everyone else in Ledziania.

Because I'm bored, Perun replied.

In any case, Ania's claim about the trolls being mindless proved to be incorrect. Unfortunately, negotiating with them turned out to be a lot more complicated.

I surveyed the chalk slate that they'd handed me. It contained an itemized list of demands we'd been going through. "Okay. So, we've wiped out the giant spider infestation. We've created a bunch of food stuffs to get you and your cubs through the winter. We also killed the basilisk that's been menacing your kingdom. Can we please use the portal now?"

"I admit that was anti-climatic," Jon said.

"Yeah, it turns out they're not immune to being shot in the head," I replied, looking at Ania, who had a smug expression on her face.

I checked my EXP counter.

Level 10 to 11

363,500/375,000

Nope, still not to 11th level.

"Rooor Ruur ruur," the Troll King said.

I cocked my head to one side. "You're shifting the goal posts again, Your Highness. I don't care how much of a conflict you're having with the ratkin. It is not our place to go into their tunnels and wipe them out."

"This shortcut is taking longer than the journey back," Ivan muttered under his breath. "Who ever heard of negotiating with trolls? They're mindless animals."

"You know they understand you, right?" I asked, looking at him.

Ivan blinked. "Obviously not."

"Yeah," I said. "Also, they're immune to mind control. So you waving around the ruby didn't do anything but annoy them."

"Oh," Ivan muttered. "What about my monocle? I thought they might work in tandem--"

"No," I said. "Probably not a good idea to suggest setting fire to their village via the methane pockets down here would let us quickly create a path to the portal."

"Dammit," Ivan said.

"It helps they think you're my court jester," I said.

"They are wondering why Bloodstorm, as the largest Friend, doesn't eat the others," Jon said. "Thank you, Morbo from Futurama."

"I've wondered that too," Bloodstorm said.

"Rarr Rur Rurr Ruar," the Troll King responded. "Roor ruur ruur rah."

"Really?" I asked. "The ratkin are all uniting under the banner of a new god? The Great Provider? The God of...Pushing Things? They're planning a crusade?"

Jon shook his head. "This is what comes from trying to be nice to monsters."

Score, Perun said. It took forever for me to get my first hundred thousand worshipers. If you convert all the ratkin, you might outnumber humanity in followers.

How the Hell am I being worshiped by the ratkin? I asked Perun.

Well, in addition to the bit where you spared a bunch of them and suddenly made Crossroad a place were they could thrive under, someone also slew the Thirteen member who was in charge of keeping them as slaves, Perun said. You know, the Vermin Lord.

Oh, I said.

Then his replacement was slain, causing all the vampires who regularly fed on them to die out after they slaughtered each other, Perun replied. Now they have their own kingdom in Devil Pass.

Oh, I replied again.

There's also Crazy Barry the self-styled ratkin priest of yours who your father showed an old VHS tape of The Muppets Take Manhattan, Perun said. He adopted it and other rat themed movies as promises of a better life where they are treated as equals to humans. It's why he's considered your religion's prophet even if he can only cast 2nd level spells. He's proclaimed Gonzo the Great to be your avatar.

I paused. Okay, now you're just making shit up.

You can't be a worse god than Veles to them, Perun said. There's a reason whenever a new religion conquers an area, the first converts are the people on the bottom.

But Crazy Barry though? I asked, sadly believing his insane claims about my religion.

He was helped by Shroomy Sally, Perun said. Both of which are typical for religious founders. Be glad, I noticed Weis when he started seeing me after getting seizures from staring at the sun too long.

I sighed. "I'd say this is ridiculous, but I have no basis for comparison given everything else that's going on. Listen, can we just use the portal? We're trying to save our friend's life, and I think we've been really patient."

"We should challenge the leader to trial by combat," Thistle said.

"We're not taking any advice from you, Therapist," Jon said.

"Therapist?" Thistle asked.

"Yeah, the rapist," Jon said.

"I was mind controlled too!" Thistle said. "I think. I'm still dealing with this conscience and empathy thing."

The genuine version of this novel can be found on another site. Support the author by reading it there.

"Yeah, you can eat, pray, love on your own time, Therapist," Jon said. "All I know is that if we have to eat anyone in the group, you're the first to go. Like Gilligan on Gilligan's Island."

"That's ridiculous," I said. "Obviously, they should have eaten the millionaires first."

"But they're old and stringy!" Jon said.

"Also, can we avoid the r word?" I asked. "I mean the other r word? I really don't want to think about that in this context and am not sure it applies."

"I'm saying you need to get some therapy after this," Jon said. "From an actual therapist. Get Agata to cast CURE INSANITY on you. Then you can stop with your ridiculous displays of mercy and just stab your mind-controlled angel."

"Jon!" I growled.

"It's fair," Thistle said. "My life is yours."

Ania looked torn.

Everyone else seemed to look like they agreed with Jon.

"Drop it," I said, snarling. "All of you. I made my decision."

"All I'm saying is that if she looked like me instead of an all-female metal band's lead, she'd already be in the ground," Bloodstorm said. "Ditto if she was with An--"

Ania lifted her bow, silently backing up my words.

I sighed. "You know, weird fact, I dated the head of an all-female metal band. Nightchilde and I hooked up for the first time after Demon Wiatru opened for Dragonforce."

Ania looked up to me. "Your ex-girlfriend was named Nightchilde and had a band named Wind Demon?"

"Yeah, and?" I asked.

Ania facepalmed.

You aren't exactly covering yourself in glory by not making that connection, hoss, Perun said.

I'm very deliberately not thinking about that as a possibility, I said. Nightchilde had her problems, but she wasn't a literal goddess of darkness. I mean, yeah, sure, she claimed to be one when her band performed but that was just her stage persona. David Bowie wasn't literally from space. Wait, was he?

He was a divine avatar, but we knew that, Perun said. In any case, Nightbringer was always the cleverest of my children. If any of them could figure a way around the Old Gods corruption, it's her. Plus, it'd make sense for her to be attracted to you even when you weren't living up to your potential. She'd sense my blood in your veins.

Okay, gross, I replied. Also, she dumped me for a barista.

Maybe he was also one of the champions, Perun said. Or she was doing that thing where women sleep with other men to get you to want to win them back.

That's stupid, I said.

Yes, Perun said. So is the thing when men sleep with other women and claim they mean nothing. Veles invented it when he spawned all those monsters with the Primeval Darkness. Led to the universe's first divorce. Seriously dude, own it at least.

That was when the Troll King started speaking rather rapidly and at length, which he'd rarely done during our conversation. I struggled to keep up with the subtitles and nodded my head along, knowing the rest of my team couldn't understand.

"What is he saying?" Ania asked.

"He said the reason he was giving us such a hassle over the use of the portal is that they've only recently retaken this way station," I said, confused but realizing this was important. "They were driven out of it almost a decade ago by the forces of Veles and a bunch of armed men with weapons like your gun, Ania."

"Epic Dungeoneering?" Ania asked, leaving off the trademark.

"Yeah," I replied. "I'm guessing."

It was still fricking bizarre to know a video game developer was the holding company of a network of mercenaries, arms manufacturers, lumber companies, and mining concerns that were covertly invading Mokosh. It wasn't a massive operation and was more interested in magic than the planet's natural resources but since the former was in the latter, it was still a growing concern. I'd say this was Third World exploitation, but I supposed it was Fourth World (with apologies to Jack Kirby).

"Well, that explains a few things," Bloodstorm said, reminding everyone why he was the second smartest guy in the group. Ivan's INT stats were identical, but he had WIS only slightly higher than mine.

"What things?" Ivan asked.

"How they've been moving around Ledziania without anyone knowing about the giant hordes of skeletons, necromancers, and other shit," I pointed out. "Crossroad probably has been attacked a dozen times through this very portal."

Bloodstorm nodded, letting me know I was on the right track. "Everyone in the country has heard about the armies of the dead and the evils being worked on Bald Mountain, but the forces of the Dark Lord move like ghosts. Most people seemed to have assumed he was teleporting them around himself or animating local corpses. It turns out the answer was simpler."

"I'm not sure that ancient magical portal subway tunnels belonging to the long-dead civilization of the vampire elves is a simpler solution," I replied. "However, it's probably the truth."

"Then we should blow it up," Ania asked, showing her usual levels of restraint. "Deprive Veles of a weapon."

"I suspect it would be easier and less likely to destroy something that could help rebuild the kingdom if we just asked the King here to cover the front with a bunch of rocks," I replied. "There's probably a way to disable the controls as well."

"The vampire elves didn't construct this network any more than humans did," Thistle said, daring to speak up. "This was constructed by the Northern Continent dwellers, the Firstborn. They combined natural philosophy with magic and created a society that occupied several worlds. The gods then smote them and sent their homeland to another reality."

"Really?" I asked.

We're gods, Perun said. Punishing hubris is kind of what they do. However, if it's any consolation, the Atlanteans were enormous cocks. Slavery, human experimentation, and eugenics. They're responsible for every race we didn't create, which is like most of them. They made basilisks to get rid of their ratkin problems.

What a wonderful bunch, I replied. Will we have to deal with them too?

Maybe in the next trilogy, Perun joked. The Dark Undermaster Saga II: The Search for More Views.

I'd have read that book. Shaking my head, I focused on the Troll King. "So, you're afraid that if we open the portal, we'll clue whoever is on the other side that you guys have taken back your home."

The Troll King grunted an affirmation. Which annoyed me because it meant that he'd mostly been getting us to do chores for him with no intention of letting us pass.

"Tell him we will begin smiting his followers if he does not agree," Thistle said. "Your divine powers are beyond anything they can stand against."

"Thistle, shut up," I said, simply.

Everyone else gave her a nasty look as well but they looked at me with a mixture of discomfort as well.

Morale is in the shitter, Perun said. I'll be honest. Remember, I'm the guy who monitors all the stats for everyone and the Approval ratings you've got from your companions are down.

Way down.

All because I spared Thistle, I said.

Yeah, who could have thought the anti-human terrorist who brainwashed Ania into being a killer and screwed with you would be a mood killer.

She isn't responsible for her actions, I said. I also have been mind-controlled before what happened. This was different.

Maybe, Perun said. Or maybe she was a shitty person before she joined the Elvish Liberation Front.

I sighed. I'm being pragmatic.

How? Perun asked.

Thistle knows the inner workings of how the elvish government works, has a connection to their possible queen, and can tell us about how the Wind Demon's inner circle works, I said. Everyone thinks that I'm a big softie but I'm trying to keep focus on the big picture. Maybe that means we spare Gollum.

Sparing Gollum isn't what they did, Perun said.

There's a whole speech by Gandalf about that, I said. Pity and so on. It's why the One Ring got destroyed. Without mercy, they wouldn't have succeeded.

That's maybe what Tolkien intended, Perun said. However, Frodo also took the One Ring and used it to curse Gollum to throw himself into the fire if he broke his oath not to betray them. So you could interpret the lesson is not to show mercy but to punish the wicked when they reject pardon.

That was food for thought but hardly relevant. I had one last card to play, though. "Your Highness, we need to get through the portal in order to find a sorceress to break the enchantment over our unconscious friend over here. If she doesn't get healing soon, she'll die of thirst or other conditions."

Jon looked at me, shuffling Joan on his back. "Really? Appeal to his sense of mercy?"

The Troll King stared at me with his all-too-human eyes in an otherwise monstrous body. "Rruurr ruurar rhh."

I nodded. "Thank you."

"What did he say?" Ania asked, confused.

"He said I should have opened with it being a medical emergency," I said. "They'll power up the portal now."

SIDEQUEST(S) COMPLETED:

Obtain passage through the Troll Kingdom 1/1

+10,000 EXP (Obtain Passage)

+ 2000 EXP (Do so nonviolently)

Level 11 to 12

0/750,000 EXP

YES!