I found myself with an enormous headache, lying on my back, again. This time, however, I was sitting at the foot of a lake where a thirty-foot tall Perun wearing only a loincloth as well as a winged helmet was standing there. If you didn't mind a deep cut, he looked a lot like Thor from Kung Fury. If you were like most people and hadn't seen that, he looked like a giant mostly naked barbarian with a hammer.

"Thor stole my look for that!" Perun said, his voice bellowing.

"Am I dead?" I asked. "Again?"

"Not quite!" Perun said, the echoing continued. "Just knocked out. I mean, if the Dark Moon ladies kill all our friends, they'll kill you no problem but dead, dead? Not yet!"

I blinked and got up. "That's not reassuring!"

"It is what it is, dude!" Perun said. "I thought I'd show you Belobog's Lake. It's the place where all the Rusalka live and where the Water Demon is. Like, we should nuke the place and take him out."

"That's not very heroic," I said, climbing up to my feet. Weirdly, I was back in my armor rather than just my underwear. Well, it wasn’t that weird because I was in a dream.

"Better to die than live as slaves!" Perun said, flexing an arm.

"I think most slaves would rather be free than either," I replied.

"Wow, you really are a nice guy!"

I stared at him in a mixture of confusion and horror. "No, everyone here is just an enormous asshole!"

Perun let forth an enormous belly laugh. "Ho, ho, ho! That's hilarious."

"It wasn't a joke," I muttered. "Listen, Perun, I can't have you continuing to narrate and talk with me about every little detail. It's distracting and I also need to wake up and help my friends."

"I understand," Perun replied, still sounding like he was in a cave with how much his voice echoed. "Once you take one of the last two remaining mark's, Francine's or Alek's, then you'll be able to make the full-transition to godhood."

"I don't want to be a god," I said, sighing.

"Everyone wants to be a god!" Perun said. "It's like being rich!"

I shook my head. "Also, Veles apparently gets to break the rules and attack me if I become a full god according to Weis."

Perun rolled his eyes. "Yes, because my brother has been sticking to the rules as agreed to so well. Listen, Veles fudges his die rolls. If you become a full god, you can finally entreat Svarog to join his power into this fight. Svarog can compel Mat Zemalya, Mythras, the Aesir, and the other still-awakened gods of Earth to all dogpile Veles. It’s a messy solution since he's among the most powerful, if not the most powerful, gods still awake. Countries may be wrecked. Stars may blow out across the galaxy. However, with the Olds Gods defeated, you can bind him away forever."

That was notably one of the 'wins' described by Joan. "That leads to my daughter going all conquest heavy."

"Yeah, but that's another epic saga by itself," Perun said. "Always leave room for the sequel, Aaron."

"Goodbye, Perun," I said. "I need to figure out what to do about this Ania-Thistle thing."

"I take it you're not down for a threesome?" Perun said.

"She was planning to mind control me, screw me, and kill me!" I shouted.

"I know! I love it when they do that!" Perun stuck a thumbs up then hummed the James Bond theme. "Da, da, da, da, da, da, da dum!"

"That's not funny."

"It's kind of funny," Perun said, his voice returning to normal as he shrank down to human size and trotted on the water's surface before walking up to me. "In any case, you don't have to keep Thistle as a concubine."

"I'm not keeping her as a concubine," I said. "I want to be Ania and Ania alone. I swear to--"

"Halt," Perun said, suddenly serious. "Aaron, I know you love her but reckless oaths are like what kills ninety percent of heroes around here. Well, okay, more like 1% and the other 99% are killed by violence but a lot of heroes get killed by those. Back when the Poles and Ledzis were Celts, I was Cú Chulainn. Lots of cattle theft and hot redheaded ladies. But I swore never to turn down hospitality and never eat a dog."

"You had to swear an oath to never eat a dog?" I asked.

"Yes," Perun said. "Dogs are awesome."

"Not really my point but--"

"Anyway," Perun said. "Women loved trying to destroy me back then. One sent my son to kill me after we broke up our affair. Another one served me dog. Which, of course, is what killed me. I'm not saying that you'll need to have sex with someone other than Ania to save the world, but it's worked pretty well for you so far."

"I'm going to swear fidelity to her," I said. "I'm going to ask her to marry me and monogamy is going to be explicitly implied. Maybe not the best time to do so after I just had a succubus go down on me--"

"Might want to wait a few days on that end."

I nodded. "But I know what I want."

"Maybe she'll need to sleep with someone!" Perun said. "Come on, you might need her to seduce Arthur or Mythras again. You might need her to seduce Nightbringer and then you can watch or--"

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"Stop," I said, raising a hand. "I know what I'm promising."

Perun sighed and lifted his hammer. "Okay, fine, you can have sex with Ania ten thousand times versus ten thousand other ladies. I'm sure that's fine. But you could have sex with her ten thousand times and--"

"Seriously, what is with the gods and the horny?" I asked, crossing my arms.

"You find something that is consistently entertaining after the first million years, let alone the first billion."

The gods being so goddamned weird explained so much about reality. "Respect my choice, dude."

Perun sighed. "Alright. If any of you two can make this true love thing work, well, it'd be virtually any other couple in existence, but I'll give my blessing."

"Which I don't need," I said.

Perun put his hammer up. "Put your hand on my hammer."

I stared at him.

"It's not a euphemism," Perun said. "I mean, it could be. A lot of ancient magick is about dicks. Look at the obelisk. It represents Pharoah's penis, even when it's Cleopatra's. In fact, Isis looks like Rosario Dawson in Sin City and you should--"

I put my hand on the hammer. "Okay, I swear--"

That was when I was woken up my being stabbed in the shoulder.

One of the Dark Moon elf assassins was straddling me and had jabbed me in the shoulder with her knife, trying to hit an artery. It probably would have if I hadn't been enhanced by the Mark of the Champion.

YOU HAVE TAKEN 14 HP OF DAMAGE, YOU HAVE RESISTED SHADOW POISON [DEATH]

The woman had half of her face covered in white makeup and the other half with a crescent moon in purple paint. We were at the bottom of an underground tunnel of some kind, half submerged in water with moss covered elvish statues surrounding us. There was a giant hole in the ceiling where I'd collapsed through, and sunlight was streaming in from. Strangely, I was once more in my armor, but it was the least of my concerns now.

Two more Dark Moon elf assassins dropped down, one of them holding Agata's light whip (not a good sign) and the other carrying a glowing spear. There was sounds of pitched battle going on above and I had to wonder what the hell had changed since I'd collapsed.

"You will die, Scion of Perun," the elf on top of me shouted. "We will kill you, the traitor Ania, and induct the Prophetess of Mythras into our sect. She will offer blood sacrifices of babies to her god and commit massacres beyond count to the point all nations turn away in disgust from the Sun god. They will turn to the Dark Moon and--"

She was cut off by my head-butting her in the nose and knocking her in the water as her sisters sloshed their way to me.

"PERUN'S LIGHTNING STRIKE!" I shouted, using another divine ability despite doubling the chance of a divine mishap.

The electricity flowed from my fingertips into the water and created columns of lightning that went up each of the Dark Moon elf assassins. They thrashed and twisted before falling back into the water, fried worse than if they'd been in an electric chair.

"Ouch," I said, moving up and staring at the knife in my shoulder. I cast a CURE spell on myself, and the knife forced itself out.

That was when I saw an owlbear, a creature trademarked by Wizards of the Coast, leap through the hole in the ceiling and land with a splash in front of me. It had its beak holding a Dark Moon elf and was giving it a death shake before tossing it to one side.

"Hi, Aaron!" Jon said, his voice coming from the creature in front of me.

I blinked. "Jon?"

"It turns out this qualifies as a bird!" Jon said, ecstatic. "Way better than some stupid swallow. I also got to fire lightning at them!"

"Yeah, that seems to work just fine," I said, standing up. "How are the others?"

"Agata's dead," Jon said.

"Oh my god!" I said, horrified.

"But you've got the REVIVE spell, right?" Jon asked.

I nodded.

"Hey, bring her down!" Jon said. "I think we've got a few minutes before that stops working!"

Bloodstorm, cradling Agata's body, jumped down the hole into the chamber and laid Agata's still body at my feet. She'd been stabbed repeatedly in the chest and lungs, presumably after having been disabled.

I kneeled and put my hand over her chest, saying, "REVIVE!"

Agata spewed blood from his mouth in my face. "Oh Goddess. That was awful. The lines in the afterlife! Ugh. Did I soil myself? Yes, I did. Dear goddess, let me go cast some cleaning cantrips and change clothes."

"Too much info," Agata," Jon said. "Too much info."

I cast a cleaning cantrip for us both as well as REFRESH. "What about the others?"

Ania lowered down a rope and climbed down to my position with Pope Joan over one shoulder. Ivan followed suit. Thistle used her wings to float down and landed with a superheroic pose that they'd made fun of in the Black Widow movie.

"We are triumphant!" Thistle said, showing no sign of her earlier injuries. "The Dark Moon elves brought forth a host of goblins and ogres to do their dirty work but I smote them in the name of my new god: ARAGORN THE STEEL ROSE, GOD OF PUSH!"

"Are we killing her?" Bloodstorm said. "Because I think it's fine to kill a woman who mind controls you into sex. Even if they are hot. There's a serious double standard when it comes to men getting mind-controlled versus women and I thought we were on the right of it when we killed Mrs. Grub. My family loves doing the brainwashing thing, and I hate it."

I didn't respond immediately as I wasn't sure, no, I absolutely was sure I didn't want to deal with this right now. Thistle's free will had been compromised by her deal with the Nightbringer and then transformation into a succubus, so I wasn't sure I could blame her for anything that had happened. Except, she'd been a pretty awful person beforehand as well. I also wasn't sure about my own culpability in the matter since I hadn't had a chance to say no before I'd been enthralled. Plus, was the current Thistle capable of being judged for her past actions or was she brainwashed to my service now? Did any of it matter?

"Let's put a pin in this," I said, pausing.

And never speak of it again if we were lucky.

I doubted I was that lucky.

SIDEQUEST(S) COMPLETED:

COMPLETE THISTLE'S LOYALTY QUEST 1/1

REWARDS

+50,000 EXP (Brainwash Thistle into becoming your minion)

+120,000 EXP (Dark Moon Elf Assassins)

+20,000 EXP (Goblin Raiders)

+5000 EXP (Ogres)

+10 Dark Moon Assassin Katana and Wakizashi +3

+ 2 Dark Moon Assassin Staves

+12 Dark Moon Assassin Armor Sets +3

+8 Black Rubies (8,000 GP)

+12,000 GP

Level 10 to 11

350,000/375,000

I was close to 11th level, which was a good thing if I wanted to be able to stand against the Bastard Knight and Prince Cezary. The number of magical weapons and armor would be hard to carry.

You could invoke Celestial Merchant privileges, Perun said.

What? I asked.

Cash in magical items for coin, Perun said.

I don't think I can do that, I replied.

Dude, I'm the guy behind the bracelets, Perun answered a longstanding question I'd had. I can do miracles as long as you are doing heroics that inspire the people. I transfer all that faith based energy into leveling you up and the physical changes to places like Crossroad as well as Dragon Keep.

Huh, so that's how that works, I said, watching the Dark Moon items become massive amounts of coin I could use to fix up Crossroad. Wait, that means you were helping the others?

Yep, Perun said. Francine and Alek both. Alek may be a lost cause but I'm willing to give him a chance as he's gotten closer to Veles than any of the others and is working on a plan to assassinate him on Bald Mountain with a suitcase nuke. Which wouldn't work on Veles but might on Belobog. Why I suggested it. Perfect for empowering the remaining two bracelets left. Not counting Weis' own.

I don't have a suitcase nuke, does Alek? I mean... I paused. Wait, there's only their bracelets left or the other bracelets need to be recovered from the other champions' bodies?

They recovered the others and absorbed their power, Perun said. Whichever one of you defeats the others becomes the new Skyfather or mother.

Great.