Ania departed and I watched her walk away, my attention around the hip area. That was when I heard a familiar voice speak in the back of my head.

Mmm, mmm, mmm, the voice said. I hate to see them leave but always enjoy watching them go. I've got to say, Mokosh was onto something when she made those paladin catsuits. You don't just get the cake, you get the entire bakery.

I stiffened and my eyes widened. Perun?

Hey man! Perun responded, sounding suspiciously like Matthew McConnehey for some reason. This was surprising since his avatar had previously looked like Dolph Lungren. I wasn't sure why this bothered me. Sorry about trying to take over your body. I was a little overwhelmed by the whole living again thing. We cool?

I needed a second to process this. No! No, we are not cool! You tried to take me over!

Sorry! Perun said. I was thinking you'd be happier being me. I am awesome after all.

You're dead and not getting my body, I said, gritting my teeth. I dealt with one interloper; I can deal with another.

Yeah, yeah, Perun said, sounding like he was ready to pop open a brewski. Technically, I dealt with Chernabog. Anyway, I'm happy to let you have your body, grandson. It wouldn't be heroic to steal it. Just think of me as your very own personal Johnny Silverhand.

One, Johnny Silverhand is an asshole, I replied. Two, Cyber Dragons 2080 is better.

Cyber Dragons 2080 is the same game, Perun pointed out. The only difference is it has orcs and elves.

Yes, why it's better, I replied. Listen, Perun, I'm dealing enough problems right now. I really don't need dissociative identity disorder.

If you're talking to me, it's not DID, its schizophrenia, Perun pointed out. However, I'm here so it's neither. I'm just offering myself as an incarnation of the marks you've absorbed and to provide some much-needed advice. Think of me as your narrator.

No, I replied. Though it's nice to know who was making those incredibly tasteless achievements.

I thought they were funny, Perun replied. Anyway, you can get an easy one by punching Weis the next time you see him.

He's your chosen, I pointed.

Yes, and I chose him because he reminded me of my brother, Perun said. I'll give you a hint which one: not Svarog.

Weis isn't that bad, I thought, wondering how I ended up defending the man who'd pissed me off so much. It seemed everyone in the Southern Kingdoms hated the Wise Man but I wasn't seeing a lot of options for fighting the Dark Lord.

My chosen has good intentions but doesn't believe in GLORIOUS HEROIC DESTINY! The final three words were shouted in the back of my brain and echoed like we were in a cavern. My ears rang despite it being all in my head and I rubbed the side of my temples.

"Mothersucker!" I said, aloud.

You've got a GLORIOUS HEROIC DESTINY, Aaron, Perun said. Absorb the remaining marks of the champion, level up, become a full god, and we'll kick Veles' ass off Bald Mountain to the tune of "Princes of the Universe" by Queen. Weis needs to believe in our heroic motorcycle-riding through hoops of fire while the crowds chant awesomeness. Less duplicitous spy shit and more flying off the top rope into an atomic elbow drop pro-wrestling with ring girls swooning! Woo!

Is this a plot to get me to absorb more essence so you can try to take me over again? I asked. Because we need less Macho Man Randy Savage and Ric Flair in your pitch.

No, it's a plot to get you to be awesome! Perun said. Let me be your Mister Miyagi! Dare to be great!

Would you please leave? I asked. Like, go back to sleep or death or whatever. I have people I need to talk to. Also, don't watch me when I'm having sex.

Like Jon isn't already doing that, Perun said. But fine, call me when you need me. My number is 555-BAD-ASSS.

I waited for several seconds to see if Perun's mind had departed but received no sign he was there. I even deluded myself with the possibility that he was only appearing for a short moment as a kind of echo from my coma. However, I didn't believe that for long--I wasn't that lucky. "Great, I'm drowning in gods."

No response.

Good.

Heading to the rest of the camp, I used my CREATE FOOD spell to conjure myself a McDonalds Sausage Egg McMuffin as well as an orange juice. Given it was the first time I'd ever used the spell, I was a little surprised at how well it worked but I wasn't about to complain. The paper cup and straw disintegrated after I was done with them, and I took a moment to look for some of my new party members to talk to.

I didn't necessarily believe Weis when he said that one of them would betray me if I didn't get their loyalty score up, but I didn't not believe him either. As much as I didn't care for treating the people of this world like video game characters, there was something to be said for the fact that it was close enough to one to work. Loyalty missions were hardly a new thing to the genre either.

In the end, I decided on talking with Ivan first. Mostly because he was the first one of our groups I saw and second because we probably did need to hash out what we were doing politics wise. Maybe I wouldn't support him for King of Ledziania, but I planned to at least let him make me a pitch before I decided resurrecting a dead heroine was the best solution. I couldn't let how shitty the ending of the Dark Undermaster series influence how I made my choices.

Ivan Crookback was sitting in normal traveling attire, one of his shoulders visibly above the other, whittling of all things. He was constructing a handmade chess set and the pieces were surprisingly intricate. So much so that I think he could have made good models for Epic DungeoneeringTM. It was a hobby I wouldn't have expected from him.

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"Hi, Ivan," I said, waving.

"Prince Ivan," Ivan corrected.

I grimaced. "Sorry about that."

"You've killed gods," Ivan said. "Technically, you are one yourself. I understand the ratkin of your hometown call you the Great Provider since a magical sewer system appeared for them to take refuge in. A priest of yours blessed me before we left, claiming I was now traveling with the Push God."

I blinked. "I have no idea whether you're being sarcastic or not."

Ivan looked up. "Believe me, I could never come up with something so ridiculous."

He had a point.

I cleared my throat. "Listen, I think we need to clear the air about some things--"

"Have you ever actually killed a dragon, Ser Aaron?" Ivan asked.

I blinked. "Pardon?"

"I know you've survived multiple encounters with them and that is more than most people have, most hardened warriors in fact, but I mean actually slaying one," Ivan replied.

"No," I replied. "The only dragon that has died by my efforts was Boris Poppy. I got Chernabog to kill him."

"Ah, Boris," Ivan said, pausing as if remembering the man. "Somehow, a man capable of thinking that he was destined to rule as king but lacking every single quality that might make one believe him capable."

"Everyone wants the big chair," I replied. "Very few are worthy of it."

Ivan grimaced at my description of the throne of Ledziania. "What I mean is we're likely to encounter a dragon who needs to be slain in Cezary."

"He's a dragon now?" I asked.

Ivan nodded. "Veles is the first dragon and from his blood all other members of his race were born, or the curses of his fellow gods. I think it must have been a less than subtle insult that the ones the gods wish to destroy they either turn into dragons or make mad."

"Your sister made a good effort of it," I said.

"Polly used the magics found in the Dragon Pit of Dragon Keep cursing Celes," Ivan said. "She used the magic to leave her near mindless and it has since proven to be an utterly stupid decision on her part. The fact is that Cezary will mature into a dragon soon, if he hasn't already, and become every bit the threat that Celes is but without her redeeming qualities."

I frowned. "We've been able to take gods. We'll be able to take Cezary."

"What then?" Ivan asked.

"I'm sorry?" I asked.

Ivan lifted a chess piece that was a more than passable likeness of myself. It was placed in the black knight's position. "When I offered myself as a compromise candidate for Celestyne, it was not because of pure ambition but I don't think the option will be open very long for anything else. If Polly isn't mind-controlled by her son then we'll have to kill her."

"Yes," I said, fully suspecting that to happen.

"But there's another element that needs to be acknowledged," Ivan said. "Celestyne is dead and you think you can raise her from the dead."

I blinked. "I don't--"

"Your bird is a chatty sort," Ivan said. "He mentioned the resurrection coin in our first ten minutes of conversation."

"Oh."

"It won't work," Ivan said. "Assuming you can deal with this imposter, you will divide her forces into people who believe you--which will be less than you think if you reveal you aren't Garland--and people who assume you assassinated her then tried to substitute an imposter. Ironically, what the Wise Man actually did."

I stared at him. "You think it's you or no one. We'll never win over the Mad Quee...err, Apollonia. Also, if we deal with the fake Dragon Queen then her followers will be utterly demoralized unless we can somehow do it in secret. Also, we don't even know if the coin will work on Celestyne. She might refuse resurrection like Garland."

"I didn't know that but now that you mention it, yes," Ivan said. "However, you're wrong. It's not just me or no one. There is another option still."

"Which is?" I asked.

"Marry the imposter," Ivan said.

I blinked. "What."

Ivan sighed. "I've been thinking extensively about this and it occurred to me that I was overly forward in my attempts to become king. It made me appear grasping and perhaps I was. Certainly, it made Polly think I was a threat to her reign or her son's."

"Given you planned on killing Cezary, she was right," I replied.

Ivan looked down at the ground. "I looked for other ways, believe me. Spells, priests, and exorcists. You cannot change a demigod's nature. Divine magic is shaped by the true character of its wielder. Look at you. You aren't Perun. You're a fluffy white rabbit god."

Okay, I wasn't sure if I should be offended by that or not. "I got it. Kid was a serial killer."

"What an odd term," Ivan said. "I would just say mass murderer. The thing is that I should have noted that I could have used my skills behind the scenes. Celestyne never trained as a ruler and her skills were mixed. She was a fantastic war leader but actually administering? Well, honestly, I think the imposter is doing a better job."

"Get back to the marriage part, what now?" I asked, repeating my confusion.

"She is an agent of Weis," Ivan pointed out. "That means we are on the same side. The living versus the dead. Mokosh and Mythras versus the Old Gods. You versus Veles."

"I'm not sure that's true," I said, staring down at him. "After all, she burned Jon to death when he was Weis' champion."

"Having spoken to your bird more than the twenty minutes I needed to learn everything, I understand that feeling absolutely," Ivan replied. "But if the Dragon Queen weds the legendary Garland of Nowhere, she will seal off most of the nobility that would compete for her affection while turning to me. I will support you as her chancellor and be able to run the country as needed. I promise I'll enact every possible reform for the nonhumans. I'll hang the pogrom participants. I'll break the walls of the dwarvish ghettos. I'll even sign the damn treaty of my father with the elves. We'll all fight together against Veles. But you'll have to force Weis to return power via his proxy and I'll trust you to keep his agent away from the throne's politics."

I stared at him. "Why would you agree to this?"

"Since I believe you can arrange it," Ivan said. "Also, because I believe if the False Queen is killed, you have a potion that will allow us to substitute our own."

"You don't need me to marry anyone for that to work," I said.

"Yes, I do," Ivan said. "I don't trust oaths that aren't sealed by blood."

"I'm not going to marry someone for politics."

Ivan shook his head. "You are so much like Garland. I remembered when he visited the court. He refused to bed Polly, kicked Cezary in the stomach when he threatened Agata, and said if I was so righteous that I shouldn't be on the side I was."

I probably would have slept with Apollonia. I'm kind of terrible at self-control and was a big fan of Eva Green (her best role was the Mad Queen). I didn't say that, though. "Then you should know I feel."

"Ania wouldn't care," Ivan said. "She doesn't want to marry anyone. But you might also find the imposter more interesting than you think."

I had no idea where he was going with this and wasn't sure I wanted to. "What do you mean?"

"Transformation is not what people think it is," Ivan said. "When you transform into a bird, you acquire many birdlike qualities. The fact Jon is annoying as fuck for example and obsessed with shiny things. His brief flirtation with being a bird of prey. However, becoming a specific person is another thing. That slowly destroys who you are."

"I'm sorry?" I asked, wishing I wasn't so weak in WIS. This was another emotional issue I had trouble understanding.

"Cezary considered stealing my body once," Ivan said. "Perhaps another reason my sister banished me. He wanted to be king far earlier than his living mother allowed. Unfortunately, Veles had given his protection to her. It required his teacher in magic, Hellmaster Pollux the Vermin Lord, to explain that you will eventually become a specific person you steal the body from. The brain is not easily rewritten."

"Okay," I said, still not getting his point.

Ivan frowned. "She may be an imposter, but it is very likely the Dragon Queen is as close to the real thing can be imagined. You don't have to try to resurrect the original. Maybe you could fall in love with her. You are basically becoming Garland, are you not?"

"No," I said. "I am not."

Ivan shrugged. "Don't let your love for the beautiful Lady Rose destroy our chance for an army and peace. She'd never forgive you for it."

I shook my head and walked away.

"Save some of that anger for when we're slaying my nephew!" Ivan called as I departed. "If Jorg is the one handling the elvish negotiations, Cezary is almost certainly there!"

Great.

Another dragon.