In the core of Tenare the mass of human troops spread throughout the frozen woods. There ancient timbers fell ten at a time with so many dedicated to working large saws on both ends. More soldiers dragged brush to fires that had burned forever in the constant moonlight. The elite guards watched over their ruler doing a lotus pose in the snow.
"Wow she really does have ice in her veins," said a soldier, pointing to her figure tanning away.
"Shut up, I'm not getting put in the cooler again," said another, readying an explosive charge to use further into the mountain pass on a rock blocking the path.
The Queen was basking near a boombox, a portable bar manned by freezing slaves wearing a forced outfit of short shorts, straw hat and a floral printed short sleeve. A lounge chair plopped beside her rested a snowman placeholder for her next man.
She stayed half naked as she watched her soldiers clear cut a path to where the mountain of crystal had been discovered at the planet's core. Snaggy stood far to the side shivering in his furs. The royal reptiles and bootlickers refused to come to this place. Snaggy was the Queen's only counsel where she spent increasingly large portions of her days. It was the only place she seemed to find safe, and would even sometimes sleep out here in the woods with the wolves howling.
"Shrieeeeeeek!" cried a small animal dying nearby.
Snaggy shuddered. He needed a break from all this action to get back to his safe space crunching numbers while doing the royal accounting. The kingdom was in dire straits with its finances and debt to the elves. Plus his bones and muscles were beginning to tire out from so much coldness. The Queen didn't see him as a man to love, but a fool to humiliate and accessory to murder.
Despite controlling the banks, hidden vaults, and even most of the offshore dungeons, the leprechauns were not allowed to keep any crystals for themselves. A long time ago the elves had convinced a paranoid mankind that there was the potential in the future for the innocent green guys to pull strings and yank levers plundering fortunes from underneath a backdoor they would dig into their own apparatus. It was after this concocted revelation that it was decided by a joint committee of the two races that the leprechauns would become neutral having a special status. So thereafter they became forced into a life of accounting for crystal currencies at the royal banks that the crown took over through threats.
It had been a common thought in leprechaun circles that regardless of whether individuals wanted the life or not a good one would only come to those who did their assigned tasks. An inevitable destiny set for each since the first and only grade of their mandated schooling. A place where one got the best government job according to who the educator best favored. For every generation of leprechaun their freedoms had been lowered with careful tricks. These days most were only paid in housing, and food.
There were some stories of little leprechaun troublemakers ungrateful with their opportunities. Instead they would rebel by running off deep in the woods with their instruments, escaping into the life of a traveling band of woodland creatures touring. It might have been a pitiful and humiliating existence having little food, but perhaps it was better to some to live free under the stars than life working around toxic currency that rotted away minds. Their only other option was crime.
Meanwhile Mickey walked down the dirty cobble side street under a bridge entering Leprechaun town. The gold that had once flowed onto these streets back in the legendary days was long gone. It had dried well up before he was born. The pub was abandoned dark and boarded up windows, and the street lamps were busted. The drinking taps had been shut off at the watering spouts, and the restaurant was deserted. The horses would have been thirsty if they hadn't already been eaten for food.
“Hey there Ratom my good luck charm,” said Mickey, starting to wind up his best attempt at the green salute.
“You know me well brother dressed green for life,” said Ratom.
He began performing a goofy green salute in his sloppy patched second hand clothes before letting his guard down with a laugh. Next he initiated the secret green handshake that had practiced since birth which finished with a simple fist bump.
"Alright let's get to task!"
They got off the street into the dark shadows cast by a housing complex bent in the center. Stepping into a backyard overgrown with weeds, thorns, and acorns. The path headed uphill through more uneven soil and trash, and the rusted fence buried underneath. At about half way to the top they ducked underneath a straw ceiling. Their feet squished against the muddy floor sucking them down into something that stunk. The wood door that they had both lifted slammed down behind them shut. One's thumb was injured in the blast zone.
“Yow that hurt!" cried Mickey, his voice growing angrier without light.
"Hold on, let me get the light," said Ratom, feeling around.
Something knocked over that sounded like a drum full of liquid. A cow let out a moo. Finally a string was pulled and a faint light illuminated them.
"You took us to the wrong address," Mickey spit after almost gagging from the stink.
"Oops," the other chuckled.
"This is a cow farm, and not our uncle's garage," said Mickey.
"Alright chill man, hear me out, it's too important to become distracted right now," said the other adjusting his corncob.
"Don't smoke that farcing thing in here Ratom it's already bad enough," sputtered Mickey, sounding funny due to pinching his nose closed.
"Strange things are happening with the royal family. An internal purge rumored to be taking place with the brats killing each other again," began Ratom.
"That's what happens when you breed like a colony of ants, I bet the Queen could fit a 40 foot boat up her coochie," laughed Mickey.
"Yeah okay. HEY THIS IS IMPORTANT. All us leprechauns need to be sticking together like super glue. We also must eliminate our proximity to crystals as much as possible, as we have already been overexposed to their radioactive properties. You understand?” barked Ratom.
“Look man, the crystals aren't all that bad, they provide so much power to our society that makes up for most of the bad, but you are right about some of your ideas man. I've read most of your essays,"
"Yes sure but we need to start scheming just like the rest in order to get a better life for ourselves. Again those crystals they force on us are toxic. I know that they emit some kind of gas from within that slowly destroys the soul, eating it away slowly as the body begins to scale over. I have concrete evidence of this, and we are the ones forced to take on the burden for everyone else.” said Ratom.
"We agree there is some kind of hidden cost at play here. A secret curse to these crystals we haven’t yet fully figured out that could be very costly. I've also heard plenty of rumors through the grapevine of other royal mishaps, and more gossip about the King dying of STDs, hehehe," laughed Mickey.
Stolen from its rightful author, this tale is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.
"Aye," said Ratom, but the way he looked at the other didn't have the same confidence in him listening.
He lifted the door open and the two stepped outside.
"Get the light thanks,".
They walked back down the street and stamped their shoes clean on the sidewalk.
“What If it's a civil war we lose no matter who wins?" asked Mickey.
"We are going to be getting out of here soon if things keep going the way they are. The whole neighborhood is already packed to move, we all feel it brewing in the air” warned Ratom.
"Or because they were forcefully relocated without the currency to make rent anyway," said Mickey.
They arrived beside a metal can. The dancing light crystal within beckoned with a static crackle as it slowly drained. It would take 500 years for it to fully stop, and so in the daylight hours, or when it wasn't wanted it lay shuddered.
"Show me your wrist Mick," said Ratom, throwing his arm over the light crystal.
Mickey joined in holding up his hands for warmth. The light shone right through to the other side of flesh exposing health secrets. He looked away as he raised an arm loosely which started up the inspection turning it over and folding the sleeve back until it was cleared. The process was repeated until one leprechaun brought down his face for closer look, alarmed.
"Your body has already formed another small scale that makes three, brother time is running out. So stay off the streets as much as possible please if you want to still make the rainbow in the end," warned Ratom, with a wagging finger.
"I know we've had this same kinda talk before, but thanks for the heads up," groaned Mickey, cracking his back.
The figures cloaked in green crunched along the disintegrating sidewalks past each dwelling. The buildings in this part of the ghetto were newer and slapped together unevenly with small hands of clay forming rough apartments. A crawl hole entrance branched into each building that had no windows. Hung far above it all was a dilapidated billboard painted with a brown rainbow and featuring a massive rusted pot devoid of gold to mock them.
"I'm just trying to look out for you, that's all," said Ratom.
The few torches bolted to buildings flickered as the wind whistled through snuffing another out. Here dark shadows casted thick outlines on a dim background. The two reached the house on the end of the block and walked up the steps past an overgrown garden that had expired. The vines climbed in rot to the boarded top floor windows. They began knocking on the door until another leprechaun appeared.
"What do you want?" It asked, after opening a slit.
"We are here for the before-party," said Mickey.
"Right, you missed it all, sorry," announced the bouncer.
"Come on mate, all the lanterns are turned up, I can hear the voices inside and music," said Ratom, protesting with finger pointed behind the half-opened entrance.
"Alright.. Well the truth is you two are banned from the action tonight. You see your presence offends our highest roller, and we want his gold," announced the bouncer stamping down his foot on the other side like a judge's gavel, and slammed the opening closed.
"Alright mate, have it your way," said Mickey.
He left back down the short path to the street, and Ratom followed. The two walked into a back alley cluttered with trash before coming to the back of the house. A burrow below with a large oak door latched up high. One jumped three times trying to open the door, his hand grazing against it once slightly. The other was running in the garden looking for something to stand himself on in order to gain entrance.
"Smack" he collided with a gnome standing still on guard out in the garden.
Both were knocked over and scattered like a pair of dice, one breaking the fall with a flower.
"Who goes there?" yelled the short sighted gnome in response.
He rang a cow bell fastened to his collar, sounding the alarm. Mickey ran back out of the garden, as dogs began to bark from somewhere in the dark night. Ratom was still jumping up with his arm outstretched as Micky burst out of a bush.
"What are we doing apart? Common let's work as a team together and boost each other," said Mickey.
He got down on his hands and knees on the topsoil. The gnome was running around the lawn madly ringing his bell. One leprechaun climbed onto the others back before jumping up and grabbing the latch at last. Several gnomes dashed around the bend; there was no presence to be seen. The guardian lawn ornaments continued to dumbly beat on their bells sounding the alarm. The acting neighborhood watch who slowly walked back to guard it.
A small candle would faintly dim with metal shade inside a room of rusting gardening equipment. The floor a pool of fertilizer spilled among bottles of liquid, the bags ripped open and half filled.
"Did you bring the heisting supplies, where's the duffel bag?" Whispered Mickey lowering the candle under metal beams that held pots full of dead soil and sticks brought in for the winter.
The other removed a brown cloth bag from his shirt, from that a shovel, a jar of pickles and some green apples.
Mickey nodded "time to do this the old-fashioned way I'll take the first shift," he said digging into the soft soil below.
Ratom sat on a stack of several flowerpots turned upside down. His hands strained trying to open the jar of canned peaches, but he eventually settled for an apple to snack on.
Meanwhile Prince Edward had locked himself up alone in his tower. The wedding was still set for tonight, and in only six hours. He paced back and forth without his usual enthusiasm for the trappings of marriage. Unfortunately he had no other options at the moment because his favorite ex had cut off his hand, and fled for good.
“Oh well you fool it is time to unwind in celebration, not to mope like a brat,” he said to himself, pouring out a tall pale of schlock to slurp.
“Gulp, gulp, gulp ah that's good for quenching the thirst of inner turmoil,” he said.
Edward's mind had inherited the gift of always being focused on plotting. To clear out his mind he dumped the remainder of the schlock down his throat. He would need to feast again soon, as he was growing weak from lack of human consumption. The wedding expenses he now found himself footing would be worth it to feast on her feet during the honeymoon.
He paced back and forth for several minutes before he found himself at his safe. Because he was paranoid he had mastered the art of unlocking the safe dial in record time. Inside was the scheme awaiting Nancy when his little birds located her. The old witch had prepared him a love bomb full of wires, a keypad, and an irresistible payload. All he had to do was find the perfect place to plant it after he speed ran the current marriage filling his 12th and last legal harem spot, then eating her for sport.
"Knock, knock," at the door.
"What do you want?" yelled Edward, heading to open it.
“Bang!"
The door blew open pulling the nails, and snapping it from the hinges. Another Prince entered, catching our hooked specimen with his pants around his ankles. Dick greeted the fallen one in surprise with an outstretched glove.
“You absolute buffoon you're lucky I didn't slit your throat with this” said Edward, crawling away to the furniture. He hooked cutting an anchor right into castle stone and pulled himself up.
“Check out my newest murdering machine hahah," he laughed like a maniac, whilst flaying the couch into chunks.
“I see. Extremely cool and impressive boss, Now I'm here to help you out with anything evil as long as you give me lots of power, crystals, and lands in exchange” said Dick Richard, a man of more fighting than words who bowed before holding a righteous red salute.
"I need you to find me teleportation crystals first, A colossal quantity of them for my experimentation, and I don't care how awful your methods for obtaining them are.. I will pay you handsomely in ultra rare cracked rocks taken from the Dwarf mines that collapsed after an unfortunate smelting accident," said Edward.
"I see, My Knights are above the law, and ready when you need them for dirty work," said Dick Richard.
"Get out your dagger unless you want me to do it," said Edward, pricking the top of his good hand with the sharp hook.
Dick Richard removed his glove and dagger and repeated the exercise of bloodletting before shaking hands with his brother, forming a pact to secure power together.
"We come, and we go from this planet, but our actions forever remain inscribed in the stones below, no blood deal can ever be broken without triggering a curse extending forever to one and his ancestry until the blood burns out from torment," they chanted together a pledge of allegiance.