Edward woke deep in the core of the planet. There was the sound of muffled pops outside the cavern. He cradled his throbbing headache in one hand trying to focus inward away from the overwhelming pain. His hand was in far worse condition because it had long ago been cut off by his witch of an ex when she was still quarter human. The appendage had been replaced with a sharp crystal cutting hook, but his heart had never recovered her ultimate rejection. Funny enough it hadn’t taken long escaping to the core before running into her again lurking in here with her newest zombie boyfriend. To add salt to his wounds they had taken the only thing he had left. His prized hook nabbed by Ned, who had let Nancy cut off his own arm in order to re-attach it to himself.
Edward let out a loud sigh while he inspected his bloody stump. It had started to scab over with little scales of hard crystal that mixed with the dried red. He climbed to his feet after ripping off his shirt and tying it around the hardening wound. He shivered in the cavern as he teased his hair, and wet his face from a cold puddle that he used as a mirror. After kicking a hole in the ice he returned to looking at stalactites above him were green luck crystals that dripped water onto the floor the same color. The mushrooms here were plump red with white spots, and exploding in growth all over. He took his crown hanging off a stalagmite, put it back in place, and kicked a path through the shrooms as he headed for the exit. If he wasn't on a strict carnivore diet he might have tried microdosing a few raw mushrooms for supper.
Edward stuck his head out of the hole in the ground. Some of the surviving Knights from the ruins of the crystal ice castle were in the process of making their great escape. They had previously taken refuge inside the dungeon, but that had been a mistake. A gunfight was taking place in the ice castle's courtyard. The knights unloaded their clips, or swung their swords clearing the path of the dead towards a slow moving van. A truck with a full bed headed for the hills, and a second van had fallen into a ditch and now functioned as bait. The advancing zombie horde found themselves full of lead, but still moving.
“Bang, Bang, Bang!” a knight fired off his pistol at a zombie leprechaun drawing close.
The bullets shot out the other side of the leprechaun while his teeth dug into the screaming flesh. Another knight took out his massive musket with a bayonet stabbing Mickey in the chest before blowing him apart at the seams.
“Grrrr” said Ratom, eating another knight's brains around the corner.
A fresh wave of hungry skeletons had been dug up. The knights blasted apart the animated bones turning them into dust with every hit. The mob was being mopped up.
“We have got to get out of here,” said a knight wearing rusted scraps for armor.
“You can say that again, Scrappy,” said another knight through the van's open window.
He was the driver wearing crystal plated armor. The van slowly advanced as the Knights pilled in the opened back door. Edward ran from his crevice to the street. He stood waving for help.
“Oh man that looks like trouble, what are you thinking fellas?” said the driver.
“We gotta pick him up, Look at the crown he might have a key to our teleportation out of here, don’t be dumb” said Scrappy. .
The van skidded to a stop in front of what appeared to be a royal. The rear door swung open. Those inside looked sternly out.
“I'm glad there's still some civility around here,” said Edward, waving as the van screeched to a stop, and the door swung back.
“Your highness weren’t you supposed to have some kind of hooker on you at least according to legend?” inquired a curious knight aboard.
“You must have missed I’m emperor now,” Edward laughed, fitting into tight quarters.
“Let's get going now,” said the passenger, hitting the driver's shoulder to get his attention.
“Right, Right I know it's dangerous” said the driver.
The driver took off with a slurp of schlock out of a straw from his insulated cup.
“So how long have you knights been trapped in the core?” asked Edward.
“We don’t know,” said one.
“How so you must have some vague clue?” asked Edward again.
“Look man, this place is a twisted house of horrors. We are so mentally messed up, we don’t know, So just listen here we need you to get us teleported. We'll work to piece everything else together at home alright” screamed Scrappy at him in frustration. .
“Right, that is a sound plan I'm also extremely interested in, I’ll be the one to take you to the nearest teleport pad,” said King Edward to his men.
The van erupted full of cheers.
"Here man take the shirt off my back," said a knight unfastening his armor.
The road had become snow, but luckily this van was jacked up, and four wheel drive. The driver put in a Terp tape, and the vehicle played old-school rock n roll. The studded all terrain tires rumbled, and slammed as they smeared a group of corpses out of the way. Edward fit into the graphic long sleeve sweatshirt of the royal knucklehead sports team.
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"There's the entrance to a teleport," said Edward, pointing down a side road.
He saw Ned through the building window on the top floor. The corpse was standing on the roof playing with his hook. They came to a stop at the end of the street.
"Give me a blunderbuss, and stay behind while I clear the building," ordered Edward.
"Take mine," said the driver, passing one that had been cradled between the hole in the seat and console.
Edward was running along a shoveled path. The building was a hollowed block of ice. He smashed a frosted window with his scaled stump, then climbed inside. The floor was slippery, accumulated drips from the ceiling melting. He had spotted Ned on the roof. He crouched up the steps with blunderbuss ready. The second floor looked empty. He heard the knights crashing around on the lower level. His eyes scanned this level one more time. It was time to move on to the next. Edward started feeling his way up the steps in the dark.
"Grrrrr!"
What sounded like a little rat dog was waiting above. Ratom jumped out of the dark onto Edward, knocking off his crown, and going in for a bite of meat.
"AAAA" cried Edward.
The zombie leprechaun snapped his sharp teeth held back from brains by the stump. Edward briefly lost his footing descending back to the second story floor. The zombie bit harder into the stump. He tried swinging and flattened the creature into a box of bricks, but it remained dug in like a tick. Next he took a folding chair breaking it over the zombie leprechaun to no effect. He smashed it through a glass window, but it bit into his arm harder.
A convenient icebox was in the corner. Edward opened the door, and placed the attacking creature's head between the rubber seal. He slammed the door closed, and open. Again, and again he repeated this process over, and over. The zombie was momentarily stunned falling inside the box it thrashed around. Edward slammed the lid, and clamped the padlock together. The icebox continued to shake. He dusted off his hand and stump as it bled through the shirt. A knight climbed the steps with a light.
“Where's the teleport?” asked the knight.
“The roof was where it was unless it was destroyed, I’ll take the lead and follow me,” said Edward, throwing himself to his feet.
The knight had already started up the stairs. Two more had climbed the lower case and had stopped for a chat blocking the way.
“Out of my way I must be the first man on the roof,” screamed Edward.
He used his stump to whack over the knight who was chit chatting too close. Next he sprinted up the stairs where the leading knight had turned on the lights. The door to the roof was hidden behind a pallet of frozen rations. Scrappy looked around for clues.
“Help me sir, would you lend me a hand,” ordered Edward, pushing unsuccessfully at the obstacle blocking roof access before he started rapping and beating it. “Door stuck!”.
“Of course,” said Scrappy, lending aid.
The rations were dumped over and turned to flour on the flour. The door to the roof was bashed open. Edward ran up the steps, and out into the open. He was blinded by the moonlight.
“Came looking for this,” said Ned, taunting the hook from where he stood on the edge.
“That’s my property ghoul. Give the hook back to the king or I'll blast you,” replied Edward raising his blunderbuss.
“No can do, he he. You might have been a king somewhere else, but in the core you are not in charge,” said Ned, getting ready to jump.
“We will see about that,” said Edward.
He hit the dead wizard with a direct shot who tumbled off the roof with his hook laughing all the way down. Reinforcement knights busted onto the roof behind him looking for threats.
“Where’s the teleport at huh, I don’t see nothing,” screamed Scrappy, spitting.
“It’s been looted off the building or something. It's been a long time since I was here, fellas remember.. Anyway I gotta get to the ground floor at once,” said Edward pushing past them down the dark stairwell.
He burst outside frantically scanning the snowbanks. They all walked in circles around the building as the driver watched from the parking lot listening to music. There were no signs anywhere of the zombie wizard who had taken his hook.
“Farc” yelled Edward, kicking up the snow in frustration.
He tripped on the ice and skinned a knee. The knights had already returned to the van and begun to depart. Edward limped forward flagging them until he blocked the end of the road. He jumped in looking like a wreck. The tires were screeching as they peeled off like a banana peel.
“You put us in danger in another spot you aren’t sure of, and we will leave you for a dead leader of men or not pal if we have too,” said Scrappy.
“Yeah,” said the peanut gallery.
“Alright, I know 100% a sure spot with a teleporter locked inside a vault. It’s a sure bet but more dangerous,” assured Edward.
“Alright where is it?” asked the driver, turning down his loud music to hear.
“Far up ahead on that ledge where the lightning sparks,” said Edward pointing to the high mountain above.
“The old deserted temple that we never cleared because of it being haunted by ghosts?” gulped the driver.
“Yeah well have you looked around lately. It can’t be any deader inside there, then out here. So it's worth it for sure if that’s how we escape,” said a knight.
The van climbed the hill heading towards the destination. Shadows danced, and morphed outside into intense northern lights. The wind blew screams of dead terror down the mountain at them. Chimes on the temple added to the eerie ensemble. Outside the lights had shifted into dancing green skulls taunting silent laughs at them.
“Do you see that?” shivered the driver who shook.
“Yeah I did, but you gotta keep driving towards the crystal temple up ahead, that will save us,” said Edward, growing impatient.
The ancient gothic gate was already knocked over. The van drove onto the property, stopping outside the porch and large graveyard. The moon lit up the stones, and large crypts outside. Penguins played in the distance sliding down a bank of a large freshly dug mound of snow.
"Let's go quick," said Scrappy.
The door swung open and they were outside into a graveyard with dirt showing on many fresh plots.
Moans, snarls, hissing, and grunts began to grow as dead hands pushed out of the soil. An army of raised skeletons had gathered surrounding them. Some of the dead were freshly dead empire soldiers with all their flesh. The sound of a blind witch lost somewhere in the distance cackled.
"I'll be taking that back," said the driver, snatching his weapon back from Edward's single hand.
"What is your dear leader supposed to do to protect himself out here?" he cried.
"Use your stump, it looks pretty tough," suggested another knight, readying his sword.