A demonic cut off head crash landed into the realm of dinosaurs and many other secrets yet to be revealed. The extended cultivated [rockstar tongue] rampaged throughout the burning village. A fallen prince mutated beyond recognition. The monster rolled between rocks as he caught a flying chicken he choked. Edward no longer had a long bottom so he rolled his noggin while a plastic magic stomach trailed among his dragged entrails. He could level up by eating souls and had to collect one million as his ultimate quest.
When it was completed to revive the creature known as Mule inside him. The thing seemed to want a boyfriend while he just wanted to escape to have more fun destroying the next realm. They could probably work out a mutual fling again, but Edward was a control freak at being the leader of his harem. A being that powerful made him insecure unless he could break it. If he was smart he would get as strong as possible himself before then.
In the meantime he was hungry, foul, and restless. His headache was throbbing and his crystallizing exterior melted down to whatever bones remained inside. He felt gross and as ugly inside as out. It sucked here without technology or crystal cultivation powder n pills. Everything hurt so very wrong with a fever and the cure was that he needed to be sedated into rock n roll meditation to ecstatic revelations.
“Gobble.”
Another dude was swallowed whole.
“Mmm I need to consume everything until I am fat enough to meditate to the next level then rage again,” Edward smiled a mouth full of shark teeth that had regrown since last time he bit off more than he could chew.
The weird system the elementals had installed inside him offered persistent upgrades. The big issue was figuring them out because nothing was explained. By complete accident he had discovered he needed to survive ten explosions for explosive immunity and his tongue got more vicious with more use.
Great thing he was in the stone age and could do whatever he pleased. Too bad he just had a head and had to make due with his tongue. Whatever, there must be a lot of cool things he could do with his rolling ball to upgrade as well.
“Whack!”
A shot rock dinged into an eye knocking out vision.
With one open he sped for cover as a volley of projectiles smacked the ground behind. The attackers he spotted as a group of goat ropers winding their slingshots whilst riding onboard charging horns. Hundreds more cavepeople gathered their clubs and grunted as they gathered in the gallows against the threat.
Edward shot out his extended tongue just like he had done long ago with his hook while he was less along the monster elevation. He was airborne over the cave, people with shocked mouths hanging open drooling. He tried to kiss a pretty cavewomen who ducked at the last second and Edward kissed the goat she rode instead. There were screams (mostly his own) as he bounced from the rooftop eventually pushing somebody folding loincloths on a rooftop clothesline over the edge.
He went zipping back through the air with iron will to win at any cost. Cave people ran for cover except a little kid calmly meditating on the sunbleached mat on the rooftop. The mutant pulled itself forward.
“You there weak god don’t fuck with the sect,” taunted the pipsqueak voice
“Slap!”
The nimble attacker faster than the wind smacked him and dashed away instantly. Edward’s remaining eye was very bloodshot as his rage meter maxed and both opened pure bright red.
“RAAAEEEEEEEEEE!”
The crystal mutated tongue swept the deck like the tentacles of a giant squid. Arrows, clubs, and swords did absolutely nothing to penetrate the creature. Edward rolled forward off the roof.
“Crunch.”
He crushed a bodybuilder caveman underneath his rawhide. The blue soul from the dead flew in his wake before he stopped to change direction and it was absorbed inside. That was only thirty or collected so far. He had a very long road ahead to reach a million.
“Who did that?” he screeched, blindly lashing around like a wildebeest.
“I’m right here you lame loser blah pffff,” spit the youngster in a martial arts robe jumping between the top of a huts fast enough to windrun.
“Damn kid, what gives you so much arrogance anyway?” asked the monster, turning his gaze.
“Little meatball with pink eye. Just wait until you anger OSMA.”
“Who?” asked Edward.
“Our clan leader, who has cultivated tiger powers, tries to battle her. I double dog dare you,” said the child, pointing towards where the heavens met towering cliffs far above.
“Yeah kid keep shit talking. Hey yeah take me to your master so I can bring them to their knees,” boasted Edward, licking his lips.
“Sure to catch me if you can… HEY by the way I fucked your mother last night HAHHAHA,” taunted the young master of words running for the hills.
“That’s it no more nice god I'm burning all the crops after I farm bodies for my farcing quest,” fumed Edward, spitting chunks of filth at the retreating enemies.
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He spotted that punk kid running away through bamboo. Towering in the distance was a massive mountain. That was the location of the final boss, but first he needed to beat up some easier targets to boost his stats.
People ran away from their burning homes into the jungle. The monster rolled the empty streets with little grub in his belly to show for it. Between dinos and humans they were too much work for the volume he needed. His mind flashed to the idea of becoming an anteater in order to cheese. Being a lone predator was exhausting. Maybe it was time to start a cult around himself to make cultivating easier. The common people wouldn’t obey until their current idol was destroyed. It was time to search and destroy the weaker masters until he got the prize.
He slithered through a garden searching for something to do. His mind was wobbling around before spinning in and out of focus. The lens flare, bloom and god rays were out of control. The colors in this realm were extremely saturated causing foliage to look alien. Suddenly a cloud blocked out the single sun. The ground thumped causing the puddle to bounce.
“Oh boy, I bet it's another hungry T-Rex. Well bring it on bitch,” said Edward.
“CRACK!”
Two massive cavewomen stood looking unimpressed. One cracked her knuckles as the other folded muscular arms. They both smoked primitive unsmoked cigarettes and wore pink and purple bathrobes.
“Which one of you twins is the boss around here?” asked Edward.
The ladies remained scowling. One eventually raised a unibrow turning to point at the community bulletin board. The first announcement read “landladies just married” and below that another “friendly announcement if you don’t pay rent things hurt bad.
“Huh I defeated the worst of the worst and you troglodytes think you have a chance hah,” laughed Edward.
The two landladies looked at each other before they lit each other's fresh cancer stick. Next the strongest grabbed onto the shorter and threw her up into the heavens. Fast drumming began to groove out of nowhere from the peanut gallery that also hooted and hollered with every punch. One of the home town heroes started belly dancing in the smoke while the other seemed to float. She angled her belly and tilted her hips as the other came back home to mama.
“Bounce,” the buoyant belly sent her sumo wrestling mate flying towards the target.
“Kerplunk!”
Edward was hit and sent spinning away like a pool ball. He sputtered out of control into the gutters before shooting down the pocket of an ancient water system. He cleared the pipes of shit being dragged underground scraping the tunnels. He could do nothing to stop it being forced down his throat. He shot out of the tubes into a large body of water and floated straight to the surface out of the sewer into the leach field going out cold from impact.
The soaking wet crystal scaled meatball whimpered defeated next to a pond. He had detoxed many times before, but this time was different. It was a hurt that went deeper than even his cancer continuing to eat away at his core. Perhaps the culprit was he was far away from the home he preferred to terrorize. These neanderthals lived in badlands of constant danger and that meant he was on the weaker end of the food chain of predators.
His heart no longer existed so why was he feeling so many phantom pains screaming for another creature's comfort. A mental image of the shadow master touching him again with its pleasure filled squid tendrils floating through the void with a muted sound like being underwater except no pressure. The thing in his stomach sending out lullabies to lure it back out with the completion of the quest for a million souls. He must resist the master of nothing and get stronger all by himself.
“Cough, spit, GRRR time for round two,” he yelled, launching his dirty tongue towards trouble.
The arena smelled like gasoline and bad dreams. The village made of clay/rock huts burned as the dead rested. A rolling mutant monster had rolled around looking for trouble in the prehistoric realm and found it. Edward the freshly reincarnated monster had angered many cultivators much further along the path despite their appearances being primitive as fuck.
“Man I really wish I wasn’t sober to face myself,” moaned Edward, staring at his distorted reflection in the water of a puddle. “My ego can’t accept that I am not the very best of the best. Farc I'm getting clobbered out there I wish the creature inside me wasn’t waiting on a quest completion to reactivate.”
The prehistoric realm full of dinosaurs, cavemen and a tiger cultivator had no hooch to make thinking easier. On the other hand he found himself bouncing between two coochies after re-entering the ring in round two of the battle. It resumed as he was fisted through a rockwall and into the ass of the 2nd opponent who farted right in his face.
“Ding! Survive 6 more explosions to upgrade!” announced the strange system the elementals had installed into his monstrous inner core beneath the hardened exterior shell.
“Yeah keep farting and level me up ladies hahah,” laughed Edward fully in his element.
The lesbian land ladies were pissed he had destroyed their revenue stream and intended to destroy him in return.
“WHAM-O!”
He was losing badly tossed heads or tails between themselves before one started dribbling him like a basketball. .
“OW, Ow, OW!” screeched Edward, with every hit on the ground.
A layup of him into a fruit basket and quickly fished him out before he could run away.
Edward had met his makers who were ranked 8 in sumo wrestling and 11 in being slumlords. One of the big boned neanderthals grunted on seeing an opening and he was passed off for the last time. They carried him into a sprint rapidly gaining speed as the ground shook underneath. Suddenly the wind whistled as they jumped high in the air. Edward looked down and became scared seeing a hundred foot drop only getting higher.
He had tried to use his [Rockstar Tongue] ability but they had countered by winding him around and around until the extended body part wrapped all around him. They tried their best to bait him into bitting it off himself, but he was at least smarter than that. Next it was tied in a bow making him look like a ball of yarn. They fell together with Edward on bottom.
It was lights out as a belly flopped on top crushing the living daylights and snuffing the sun.
Suddenly there was a predatory hiss from the tall grass. Edward needed to blow off steam with the masculine need to cut grass (that was his excuse for a retreat to lick his wounds like a cat anyway).. He gassed himself up and sped forward in a special way to cause enough friction from his armored scales to leave a trail of smoldering blades in his wake.
The ground shook as tons of kilograms standing perhaps 4 meters tall a giant wild goose entered the battlefield in a random encounter blocking the route.
“Hey bird squawk off! Can’t you see I'm trying to take a break from being beaten,” grumbled. Edward, steaming with being a loser.
“Honk, Honk, Honk!” replied the attacking Garganornis Ballmanni adding insult to injury.
Edward soared through the air and landed next to.the big bird raising his wings into an aggro attacking flapping.
“WHACK!”
He was beaten into the ground as a pin shadow gradually got bigger and a whistling bomb fell for impact.
“WHAM-O!”
The falling big butt dropped on top of the villainous mutant prince from a long fall from the sky and it looked like he was crushed for good. In reality Edward was digging through the dirt by eating aggressively. He dug a tunnel cutting with crystal teeth and munching ruff down his magic unlimited cavity throat.