The Elf named Them Investigator Brains or T.I.B. was on the street speed walking to the alleged crime scene. An S ranked plastic surgery clinic and the location of the human Queen’s kidnapping. There was without a moment to spare, for according to the clock above they had a clean sixty minutes to solve the mystery of finding her location. This was the make or break case of a career. Either become a hero of the species or Elf civilization would collapse.

They had a gut feeling that this case was already a lost cause. The most logical theory being a power hungry royal family had set up a pretext for an invasion. The next most logical step of the mystery would be making an escape plan, but before they did that they owed the entire elven race at least a pass at the clinic. Maybe the Queen had really gone crazy, and was just hiding in a hidden wall, or above a ceiling tile.

The Elf pushed through double action doors to the plastic surgery clinic, rehab, and prison facility. Maybe she had never actually been nabbed, and war really could be avoided after all. The fact that an Elf cosplaying a queen had been kidnaped at the same time was surely no coincidence. That particular elf had already been written off by the boss.

“I need a doctor,” said T.I.B., pushing into a crowded entry.

Elves loitered all around, some screamed, some yelled at ones who sobbed, while others tried to work a crime scene over for the first scoop of juicy gossip. The staff of other species rushed the halls in back pushing a hospital cart of an elf wounded in the first round of artillery fire.

“Hello everyone I’m Them Investigative Brains here to take charge as current top ranked Elf in the tier list of investigating,” announced T.I.B. showing their rank on a miniature crystal ball they wore as a watch.

“Well get to work quickly because we are doomed depending on a mostly human army on payroll to save us from humans playing for the hometeam,” another Elf shrieked.

“The Hive-mind has already sent our mercenaries on a tricky mission unknowingly acting as our distraction, so remember we are just waiting for the signal to where to escape,” said another giving an embrace.

“Does anyone know what room the Queen was sleeping in when she stayed here?” T.I.B. interrupted.

“No” said a lot of Elves.

“Does anyone know where the receptionist or Dr. Hobgoblin are? Time is of the essence here,” T.I.B. yelled, waving their arms like an inflatable balloon swirling a ceiling fan.

“Nope,” said the crowd.

“Well where are we escaping from and when?”

“That depends on your social credit standing, the overall tier list of everything must also be a B or higher, and if you pay in crystal I offer a 10% discount in addition to the 15% already when compared to the next cheapest, escaping a siege on the city service. Also five star rated on all the apps,” said a business Elf stepping forward.

“Out of my way,” said T.I.B., shoving the elf to the side, and pushing past deeper into the clinic's underbelly.

They came to a three way intersection marked by ceiling signs and went left for beds. No markers identified any names or room numbers of those that were occupied. They scanned for openings, checking the locks in the empty hallway one by one, but nothing would budge.

The floor was still moist from being mopped, and squeaked under shoes. The hall bent 90 degrees to another long stretch of doors. Dim crystal lights flickered low on the battery in the tiles above. At the dead end of the hall a single door was open inviting them inside. The Elf sprinted forward reaching inside the dark, and frantically searching the wall blind for a switch.

"ZaAap!"

As the hidden switch was flipped electricity flowed from battery stones brightening the room. The electrified wires traveled quickly along a web that ran over the floor. It reached a shadow that sparked revealing an electrocution chair coming alive with raw power. The detective didn't need to turn to know it was all over.

"The Hive has decided I need to be terminated, despite doing everything I can?" asked T.I.B., clutching their pearls.

They turned to see a tall slender shadow surrounded by an equally shady entourage growing in numbers behind it. A flatscreen suddenly turned on showing a very poorly done C.G.I . super brain.

“Congratulations you are getting a promotion,” an ethereal voice played from speakers.

T.I.B. was grabbed from behind by a lizard’s tongue wearing dwarf plate armor. It had a sharp crystal cutting flail that it had greatly upgraded after switching sides to work for the elves. The elf was escorted and forced to sit in the electric chair. The others silently watched the lizard strap them in.

In the intervening time the Queen had found herself gagged and couch bound next to a roaring fire. She could see lots of logs forming a log cabin, firewood stacked next to the chimney, and a ton of hoarded newspapers and bags. Her body had been dumped in the corner near stacks of empty pizza boxes.

The story has been taken without consent; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.

“Ggrr!” She raged thrashing about.

The front door creaked open, stopping her movement. A masked figure stood in matching camouflage to the snow in the forest behind him. He extended a bloodied hunting knife next to a bulging crotch stained the same color. He crouched down with the blade doing a stealthy sweep of the single room structure in CQC mode.

Elizabethy thrashed harder, grasping at any chance of escape. It was in vain for the man to creak closer and closer drawing his big knife. He stood over her now casting shadow and ripped off his mask letting it go.

“Hello there my queen I’m Killin Hood and i’ve got big plans for you,” he announced in a cheerful tone, cleaning off the blade on his shoulder blade.

The Queen rolled her eyes, her body further signaled to the man she very much wanted to be unrestrained to inflict verbal wounds.

“You might have heard of my more famous goody two shoes cousin, however me and my gang actually have principles and a code unlike him, and that is why we are currently having a turf war,” he began.

Elizibethy pretended to fall asleep as the man began his monologue.

“My men don’t handle any crystals in order to remain morally pure, for my dear they are warriors who only deal in death while I divide the profits for their own benefits.. Soon you will find yourself tied to the railroad tracks in order to lure your brood into our forest to trap all the royals in one place just like hunting any other animals,” he finished twirling his thick mustache.

The Queen gagged on her gag at the smell of the man who filled her nostrils. She had smelled the same smell of hormonal animal piss at the royal fair.

“I’m a hunter that likes to play with his food before he eats it,” said Killin Hood licking his lips.

She was silent, having figured out that her captivator could have been much worse. This guy was just a bum, and a poser who was all talk. A real man would have started into whatever got him off hours ago. The larper had already re-equipped his snow camouflage ski mask over a bald scalp, while the thick mustache proudly protruded.

“Unlike those killed under the crown you, my love will be treated with respect, and decency until the day we decide to execute you,” he said, sheathing his blade.

“In the meantime you have total freedom here, just don’t go getting yourself lost so very far out here in a frozen wood because if I can't find you when I return here in six days, well before than anyway outside you will long be dead” he said, double checking the chew toy lodged in her mouth.

"SQUEAK, SQUEAK!" Said the Queen.

"Damn you're a biting fighter. Anyhow I have a ransom letter to deploy, and a train schedule to retrieve for reference of where to tie you to die," cackled the madman.

He had finished cutting off the ropes that bound her, bounding back swiftly somewhere outdoors, and left no time for her to swing on him. The wicked cold winds had already replaced his presence from the opening freezing her awake. She ran to the cabin door. It blew slamming shut in her face.

“BANG!”

“Aha!” Elizabeth jumped, fell, and scrunched back against the nearest wall.

The suns had begun to set on the edges of the sky turning maroon. Dust blew tumble weeds along dunes on the outskirts of Elf city. Here Emperor Edward, and his army had gathered, besieging the Elves. If his mother was not returned then he would order an attack in thirty five minutes. By sticking to an ultimatum he had already issued it meant slaughtering everyone inside until they robbed the pyramids in revenge.

“The tension is eating away at my stomach Edward why can't we take the city now? I want mom back. I haven't seen her in months,” cried Cap.

“Pretty please it’s almost dark,” added Roger, sucking on a thumb before he bit it in two and swallowed the pieces.

“Negative you babies, If she miraculously returned before then we will look like fools. It's better to get her out in good health then run in and kill 'em all,” said the self declared King Emperor of the Galaxy General (it was a new title he was trying out).

“Good point I wish she hadn’t gotten herself trapped in the first place due to vanity,” said Cap.

“Duh, I wish I could have stopped her,” said Edward, using his hook to slice the end off a fresh bottle of schlock.

“Hello there humanity out there camping in our desert we welcome you! Anyhow do we have a deal Elf city has never ever been on the market, however we would like to offer you a discount of 25% and the chance to buy it. if you King Edward can come alone to purchase the key to the city we will be waiting,” a loud advertisement blared across the valley.

Edward walked from the bunker HQ full of plans. This was a dangerous mission, it could be a trap, but luckily he had a contingency. A heavily armored car driven by a corpse that had died several times racing to his feet. The door popped open automatically, due to the driver and car having become molded together many crashes and zombie revives ago.

“Driver stop at bunker #18 so that I can deliver a quick message,” he ordered, climbing into the backseat.

The car pulled to bunker #18 and blew the horn many times. An Elf that looked like all the others emerged from a dark concrete man made hole from the sewers poured into the dirt.

“It’s time for war, and ransacking or is my low-ball you scoffed before at going to be good enough now,” said Edward playing with his hook.

“Yes it’s a fine deal, and totally fair to the utmost degree” said the Elf writing something on a tablet with a strange looking pencil. “I will call my contacts right now telling them the payment is good, and to let you walk into the city undisturbed in return for a window of escape to fly away on our airships,” stammered the Elf in green and white pinstripe suit.

"You forget that my mother has been kidnapped. How am I to know that she hasn't been stashed onto one of the leaving airships. No my friend, the condition is that everything will be escorted by our air force to go through a border search at an air base further north before it fully leaves to prevent theft of the Queen," said Edward.

"That makes perfect sense to me, I hope they feel the same," gulped Elf.

“Good let’s shake on it” said Edward, extending his hook with a sly smile escaping the corners of his mouth before swapping in his hand.