Nutrek’s Odyssey:
The Return of the Prodigal Squirrel
Drak: Snake Mountain. It sounds so glamorous. Tell me about it.
Skeletor: Well, it's, it's a dark and dismal.
Trap Jaw: W-w-with slimey walls. Ugh!
Whiplash: And strange, ugly creatures scurrying around.
Skeletor: Just like any home, really.
– He-Man and the Masters of the Universe
– ***** –
Announced by the roar of thunder and the flashes of lighting, preceded by opaque veils of icy rain, the dark cavalier approached, riding his vile steed towards the ancestral lair where, in olden macabre days, he once upon a death arose. Determined they were. Dreadful they were. Bringer of death and chaos they were. With names that made children cry in despair.
“Onwards, my proud Asparagus!”
Horrible… at least he wasn’t named “Spinach”.
“Huuuheee-tshuuu!!”
“Was that a sneeze that I heard?! A sneeeeeze?!!! Pitiable! Unbecoming! Disaponting! How can the chosen mount of the great MMMMMMEEEEEE succumb to the likes of the common co-o-ho-HOLDTSHHH!!”
“Huhuhuhuhu.”
“…”
Soaked they were too… As cursed water fell from the mana clouds, even the undead felt the chill of its warping corruption… or something. Those two might just be weird.
For months, Nutrek and Asparagus had travelled without rest – undead cheat – through the corpses-filled lands of Erwyn. The journey had been perilous. Very much so. Truly so. Day after day, new monsters had risen in their way, clearly hostile and obviously trying to attack them. The philanthropic little dark mage had had no choice but to put them down, which he did with immense sorrow, and the fact that those ruthless foes had previously refused to serve under him had held no relation whatsoever with their most regretful demise.
In spite of those terrible encounters, the undead lich and his still sole subordinate – who recently had felt much more inclined to obey his little master – had steadily progressed towards their final destination.
Steadily… but slowly.
Indeed an urge to… eeeh… sightsee… yes… an urge to sightsee had swelled in the ribcage of the tiny fearsome overlord.
However now they were close to their goal. And were in a hurry to get there because nobody liked to be outside during a magic rainstorm of actual liquid doom, even undead monsters, and the promise of shelter was for the moment overrunning the dread Nutrek felt at the idea of once again facing his creator, centuries after running away with the latter’s most precious artefact.
Father wouldn’t hold a grudge, would he? Yes, he tried to kill me… but wouldn’t he be happy to see his son back after so long? Of course he will. Father is a father after all… Hahaha… Ha…
The little animal skeleton shook his skull to get rid of his dark thoughts, and shouted to cover the sound of thunder:
“Giddy up, ferocious equestrian comrade of mine! Soon we shall rest in dry abode! In a few minutes, the cave shall be in si-i-hiiii-TSH! … in sight.”
“Hyyuuun.”
“Of course I’m sure! Who the hell do you think I am? I can recognise the landscape of my own childhood home! Those buttocks-shaped rocks right next to this pineapple mountain are unmistakably those I gazed upon during my glorious youth.”
“Hyhu Pft.”
“La-Last time was perfectly justifiable mistake, a slight misunderstanding, a forgivable slip of my memory. Nothing I should be blamed for.”
“Hyhu Pft, Hyhu Pft …unp Hyhu Pft.”
“Tha-Tha-That wa-ha-hATSHA!! That was your fault. What matter of a steed do not know which direction is north? Truly, you should be grateful I even keep you under my rewarding employ!”
“Pffuhuhu.”
“Humpf. It’s alright for ME not to know! For I am not the one galloping!”
“…Hu.”
“How dare you?!”
– *** –
Five hours, three dead-ends, lots of sneezed-out ectoplasm, two cliff falls, six squashed eggs, one very pissed wyvern, one giant [Necroblast] and one overcooked wyvern later, the mighty duo was, again, lost.
“…”
“…”
“…Hu.”
“Oh, shut up.”
– *** –
It took two more days for Nutrek and Asparagus to find the right cave. By then the rain had calmed, but themselves had not. The [Mighty Immortal Squirrel Lich] was irritable from annoyance and anguish combined, and the green fire fidgeted angrily in his orbits. On his side, the black [Macabre Phantom Stallion] kept loudly sighing, each time releasing a puff of corrosive dark smoke.
“Now I am definitively, positively, absolutely sure this is the right place.”
“Hyuuunpff.”
“Don’t be insolent. There should be a ward inscribed in the wall over there.”
Jumping down his mount, Nutrek did a double backflip and struck a landing pose. Then, not letting the consternated silence time to settle in, he dashed towards the wall he had mentioned. The cave was obscure, but his flaming orbits made excellent flashlights, casting two parallel greenish rays through the darkness. It looked particularly stupid <1>, but Nutrek didn’t care. Actually he had no eyeballs, nor need for light to see, so he didn’t even notice.
What he noticed, however, was the ward… or lack thereof.
“What? How in the name of Merle is that possible?!”
“Huhihiii?”
“No. I’m sure. I know it should be there. In fact…” He looked at the wall again. “It was there! It has just been broken! I was right! I did not commit any blunder. Hahahaha!! Witness the wisdom and magnificence of your Lord, horse! KNEEEEEEEL before my absolute self. I AM THE GREEEEEAAAAAT NUUU-”
“Pfffrthiiii?”
“Ah… Of course I know why it is broken… It is… It is… eeeh… Father obviously lost his keys and locked himself out. It is a common mistake.”
“…”
“…”
“…Hu.”
“I wonder what the incantation for the [Torture Spirit Cage] was again?”
“HIIIHIHIIIII!!”
Throwing his front legs forwards and slamming his head in the ground, Asparagus prostrated himself in a very un-horse-like motion.
“Better. Now, my impertinent servant, could you please remind me of the word you just used to describe my unequalled majesty? I don’t have ears, you see. Sometimes worthless things happen to escape my unwavering attention.”
“…”
“I’m waiting,” the tiny lich said, his bony foot tapping slowly on the stone floor.
“...Hu?”
“HOW DARE YOU?!? I am the Death who with Life toyed. Bow before me, or be destroyed! [Necroblast]!!”
“MUKIIIIIII!!”
*BRAM*
– *** –
“Hear my call, fallen of the horde. Raise once more and meet your Lord. [Undead Recall]”
In a small tornado of oily smoke and scorched bones, the sulking undead steed reformed. Satisfied, Nutrek nodded once before turning around to walk deeper inside the dark cave, skipping lightly.
“Aaaah… That was liberating. Truly cathartic. I should have done this sooner.”
“…”
Idiot! This is what you get for insulting the great, the magnificent, the absolute Nutrek Aconrazieth the Fourth! I am the Necromancer who shall stand at the apex of Death!! None is greater than me… except Father. Of course. I am sorry Father, please forgive m- Ah. I’m thinking. He couldn’t have heard me. Or could he? … Father is strong. Father is the best! Father banzaiiiiii!! ... But what happened to the ward? There shouldn’t be anybody who could break Father’s magic. And nobody knows about this place.
Nutrek’s Father’s lair was located in the [Tiamat Mountain Range]. The entrance of the cave opened halfway-up the peak which was closest and slightly north-west to the [Capital City Shaun]. Aside from the wards inside of the cave itself, numerous types of barrier protected it. Some were lethal, other simply threw intruders off course and caused them to get lost in the mountains… which ultimately lead to the same result, but that was a mere detail.
None should have been able to find the secret retreat of the archlich.
If the wards are out of service, does that mean the barriers are too? Then how was it possible for the great Me to get lost? Could it be that… I have a bad sense of direction?! … Hahaha. Of course not. That is impossible. Implausible even! Out of the realm of reality. The defences must have been removed very recently. Yes. That is the only explanation. Beware trespasser! Nutrek Acornazieth the Fourth shall kick you out of this sanctuary without delay!
Although his reasoning was flawed, the diminutive overlord was unexpectedly partially right. And as he stepped with half-baseless confidence into the living quarters set up in the deepest part of the cave, followed closely by a brooding Asparagus, Nutrek suddenly froze at the sight of an unknown back standing before him.
The place they just entered was organised for the inside of a cavern, but still unwelcoming and uncomfortable to live in. Being immortal, sleepless, hungerless, and an archmage left one with little need for accommodations such as a bedroom, a bath, a toilet, a kitchen, a cellar or anything living creatures would need to survive. Therefore, Nutrek’s Father had only set up the strict minimum necessary for his researches in his home.
The unknown person had been rummaging through dusty parchments covered in spider webs, carefully as not to break the ancient and fragile documents. When he heard the sound of bare metatarsi and hooves on the stone floor, he turned around but only looked mildly surprised, as if the sudden appearance of a short squirrel skeleton cloaked in pure darkness followed by an undead smoky black horse was an everyday occurrence.
Who?
Nutrek first thought the human before him was female, because no man in Erwyn would have worn make-up, especially not such flashy purple lip-paint. But then the intruder talked and his voice, though thick feminine inflections, was unmistakably male.
“Ohohoho~ My, my, that was startling. What a surprise. I didn't think anyone else would know about this abandoned cave. Who... Oh my. Could it be that you are the lich Nutrek Acornazieth...” He took a peek at the crackled parchments he was holding. “...the Fourth?”
The intruder was tall man looking to be in his mid-twenties, with very long, black-purple hair and purple eyes. He wore a strange tall hat of cloth without an edge. The rest of his clothes too looked foreign, consisting of a red-purple, one-piece folded garb – a kimono in fact, but Nutrek wasn't such an expert in Japanese traditional fashion – and a white robe over it. He also had golden earrings and was carrying a matching dance fan. <2>
At the mention of his name, the skeletal necromancer dangerously dimmed the flames in his orbits. Had he been made of flesh, he would have been narrowing his eyes in suspicious anger.
“Impudent,” he answered with prudent arrogance – if that was thing. “You are in my ho... my Father's home, going through his research notes, and you dare, YOU DARE, ask who I am... though of course you would know who I am... Who doesn't... *self-satisfied cough* But to ask it in such a disrespectful manner, and without first naming yourself?! How impudent. How disgraceful! How utterly impolite! Name yourself, human she-male!!”
The author's narrative has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon.
“...”
~ Intruder PoV ... about fifteen seconds ago ~
“...the Fourth?”
The green flames in the eyes of the small bony figure before him condensed threateningly and its dark cloak fluttered despite the lack of wind.
Then...
“Squeak. Squeeak squeeak squee-squeeeeeak sihiqueee...”
Oh... dear.
“...squeeeeeeeeek!!”
I have the vague feeling I just got insulted... but beyond that... Ohohoho~ My my, this is embarrassing. What do I do now?
“...”
~ Nutrek PoV ~
The man pouted his lips, pondering on the situation without answering.
Carefully taking care not to let the intruder out of his sight, Nutrek threw a rapid glance at the skull of a giant wild boar hanging from the wall. One of the tusks was in fact a secret lever that opened a trapdoor in the floor right before the shelves the thief was currently searching. If he could just reach the mechanism befo-
“Ohohoho~ My my, how silly of me!”
The man suddenly opened his fan and began to ventilate himself as if to conceal a shamed face.
“I ask you to name yourself without introducing myself first. How rude. And in your own home, moreover. I have no words to describe my shame...”
Then the fan was shut brutally.
“But we shall get to know each other from now on. Ohohoho~ I was incidentally in dire need of a new excellent pet. I haven’t been able to find anything suitable ever since that brainless brute reduced my previous guards to ashes. What ‘Knowledgeable’, seriously? That guy is… Oh. Ohohoho~ But I digress. You see, my little friend, I know how so many second-rated Necromancers are all about quantity, quantity, and always quantity! It is as if the more undead they raise, the greater they are. But I... I believe in quality. A few chosen servants raised... no pun intended... with care are far more valuable than an army of hundreds.”
He nodded with self-acknowledgement and took another look at the documents he was holding.
“This is why I truly admire your creator. I would have loved to have a chat with the man... if he hadn't be killed already.”
“What!?” Nutrek shouted.
Killed?! Father?! How?! Who could...
“Oh? My my. It would seem you do understand me after all,” the other guessed, correctly interpreting the squirrel’s outcry. “Well, you shouldn't grieve too much over that man. Although… he probably made sure you wouldn't be able to hate him. *sigh* How crude and sad. Truly, as much as I respect that person as a fellow practitioner, I must say that mad King was a failure as a human being! Oh... Ohohoho~ He wasn't, was he? Not anymore at least. But even for a lich, using the flesh and blood of his own posterity for such amoral experiments...”
His eyes fixed on the tensed Nutrek, filled with something akin to pity mixed with a feeling of superiority.
“Ohohoho~ You don't even know who you are, do you... Nutrek?”
That question gave the short overlord a pause. Who was he? Of course he knew! He was Nutrek Acornazieth the Fourth! Created from a simple squirrel by his Father, who was so great a Necromancer he even managed to raise animals back from the dead, a feat which was deemed impossible before. Who else could he be?
“...”
“My my. You truly do not know. You poor thing... Come with me.” He extended an inviting hand. “I shall explain it to you. And I will even accept your friend over there as my follower,” he added with a slight gesture towards Asparagus. “He seems a little substandard for my needs, but I'm inclined to an exception if it means adding you, who is unique, to my precious collection.”
The man briefly looked up as if contemplating the smartness of his own suggestion. Nutrek didn't let go of the occasion, and jumped towards the hidden lever.
“I SHALL BOW TO NO ONE!!”
Hehehe. Imbecile! I do not know what you are talking about, but if Father was killed I would have felt it. And if there are things about me in those documents, I will as easily be able to read them myself! Ah... No, I shall get Father back and have him explain it to me. Yes. Father wouldn't lie to me... would he?
While he thought so, his phalanxes fell upon the tusk of the dead wild boar and he pulled. He turned towards the intruder with a victorious hand-sign, then a click echoed in the underground room and the floor opened... under Nutrek's own feet.
Gravity soon began to take effect, and he exchanged a stupefied glance with the intruder.
Then, he fell.
“Wrong leveeeeeeeeer!!” <3>
– *** –
Everything in this world was bound to one day come to an end. Falls did too. Usually it involved painful situations.
*feeeeeeeew**bam**crack*
“…Damnation. Why do we even have that lever?!”
Fortunately for himself, Nutrek had no nerves to feel pain, which also made him short-tempered… because he was naturally unnerved – *badam-psssht*.
Less fortunately though, he had fallen against solid rock and thus had several fractured bones. Those would regenerate in no time, as Nutrek healed fast even by lich standards. But until then, his movement would be severely impaired.
“I can't even move right now. How ridicule. Why do I have to go through all of this? And I didn't even manage to obtain anything useful from the lair! Damn you Lightsword! It is all your fault! I hope you get cursed by the Rulers of the Underworld and suffer a thousand deaths until I catch you, only so I can refuse to put an end to your suffering! Hahahaha! AAAAAAAAH!!! I hate him! I hate him! I hate him!...”
In his rage, Nutrek violently twitched on the rock floor like some useless splashing fish who dreamed of becoming a killer water dragon.
“...hate him! I hate him sooo much! I hat-”
*crack*
That... wasn't me...
Puzzled, he looked around. He was in a cave. That much was clear. But from his position he couldn't confirm said cave had an exit. By twisting his vertebras, he nevertheless managed to spot a web of cracks criss-crossing the floor with him as its centre.
Uh oh... Now, let's not move right no-
“...hyuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!”
Oh fudge.
*feeeeeeeew**BLAM*
Falling in turn from the small opening in the far ceiling of the cave, Asparagus' half-material body crashed into Nutrek, crushing what little of the squirrel lich had managed to recover. Under the violence of the shock, the stallion's phantasmal flesh scattered all over the place in fumes, revealing his bony core.
“Ow... Even without pain, the simple idea of what just happened hurts my mind. Stupid equine vegetable. I hate you. I despise every smoky fibre of your half-witted moronic self.”
And I hate myself for being a little glad you're here. The fall must have affected me more than I thought. Father always warned me about presuming of my strength.
“What the hell are you doing down here anyway? Was your loyalty to my mighty person so deep the simple idea of being separated from Me was unbearable? It’s not that I can’t understand, but…”
Even in a state close to a set of knucklebones, the lich couldn't help being haughty. Actually, it probably was some sort of coping mechanism.
“Pffffhyyuuu.”
“...And I suppose I'm the lesser of the two?”
“Huuhu.”
“Remember me to blast you as soon as I can move my hand.”
He looked to the side...
“Correction. As soon as I can get to my hand and reattached it back to my wrist.”
“Huuhu.”
“Good. Now we better not-”
*crrrrACK*
*sigh* “...forget it.”
The floor shattered and they once more fell though the darkness. Together this time.
– ***** –
<1> For anyone who has seen “The Twelve Tasks of Asterix” (Les Douze Travaux D’Asterix), just think of Iris, the Egyptian hypnotist.
Spoiler :
<2> Okay, I ain’t gonna hide it, that appearance is just Fujiwara no Sai, from Hikaru no Go… By the way, that anime is awesooooome!! I still don’t know shit about go, but I still enjoyed it… I can’t fathom how Japanese people can put so much suspense in something you don’t understand. 75 episodes… SEVENTY-FIVE episodes of watching people playing Othello level God and not knowing what is happening but still being “YEEEEEEAAH!!” every time anybody puts down a stone… WTF?!! *cough* Anyway… Sai:
Spoiler :
http%3a%2f%2fwww.ipicstorage.com%2fwp-content%2fup...lpaper.jpg [http://www.ipicstorage.com/wp-content/uploads/hikaru-no-go-fujiwara-no-sai-japanese-crane-wallpaper.jpg]
http%3a%2f%2fimages6.fanpop.com%2fimage%2fphotos%2f3...25-350.jpg [http://images6.fanpop.com/image/photos/36500000/Natasha1830-image-natasha1830-36588960-225-350.jpg]
<3> Yes, like that:
Spoiler :
----------------------------------------
[Wild FLOOR appeared!]
[NUTREK used SPLASH]
[FLOOR enemy cracks a little]
[CEILING used MOTHERFUCKING HORSE!]
[It’s super effective!]
“… Who the fuck asked you to butt in, Ceiling?!”
What has the future in store for our favourite undead duo? Where will they fall? Just how deep is that hole? How can skeletons get a cold? Who is that mysterious… man? That was a man, right? Is Nutrek going to escape his fate of becoming a pet? Who is Nutrek? “You are my Father!” “No, I KILLED your father!” “What?! Wait… there’s something backwards here…” “Don’t worry, it’s just a joke.” “Oh.” “I’m still gonna kill you though.” “Oh…”
Those questions, and more, will might get their answers in the next side-story.
In the meantime… see you next chapter.