Chapter 16:
Cheer up, let’s run away!
“RUN AWAY!! RUN AWAY!! RUN AWAY!!”
– Monty Python and the Holy Grail <1>
* * * * *
“Damn it Vicky! What’s going on this time?”
An eerie clamour was rapidly filling the boss room, now devoid of its primary occupant. Loud disorderly footsteps, angry wails and inarticulate curses were getting louder by the second, preceded by a low heavy cloud of dark green miasma exuding from the large jagged opening leading to the rest of the dungeon.
“Elementary my dear Thena,” the dhampir shrugged. “The mobs – the ones we didn’t kill them when we bypassed the whole dungeon – were attracted by Ambrose’ Ether Portal and are coming to say ‘hi’.”
“…that’s rather concise, coming from you.”
“I can be. And you seem to like it that way.”
“Oh, thanks.”
“Anything for you, saftige Schatz.”
“Vicky,” Athena sighed. “Just because you switch to German doesn’t mean I’ll accept those pet names.”
“Tsk.”
*WHEEeeeEEEeeeeEEZZZZZE*
As if they had been waiting to be introduced to make their apparition, the first monsters came into view.
A swarm of [Warden Spectres] flew out of the wall opposite to the two adventuresses. Quite unoriginally, they looked like translucent humanoids with trails of smoke instead of legs. They also had claws and fangs and cute little butterfly wings. And they were seemingly in a terrible mood, as if their favourite candy had been dangled before their eyes, only to be snatched away at the last second. They weren’t an imminent threat though, because as soon as they entered the vast grotto, they started tearing each other apart for no apparent reason.
Following the sulky fratricide shoal entered a quartet of [Fallen King’s Guards]. The three metres high, centaur-like, butterfly-ish creatures had an appearance similar to how André had looked as a moth, prior to his – painfully slow – rebirth, except that a slender human torso was sprouting from each of their thoraxes. Once upon a time, they might have looked as beautiful as high elves, despite their multi-faceted eyes, however now they only looked like your average undead John Doe: pale, creepy, drooling, and exemplarily decomposed.
Then came a large group of [Resurrected Butterfly Cultists]. With their tall cloaked figures and faces clouded in the darkness of their hoods, the cultists might have looked decently intimidating… but the effect was utterly crushed by the pair of fuzzy pink balls swinging above their heads, attached by flexible stems to a wooden headband.
Behind those peculiar monsters, a horde of various undead mobs – all butterflied in one way or another – slowly flooded into the dark cave, displaying the usual consternating velocity of zombies.
“UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAARGH!!”
One notable exception though manifested itself in the form of [Very Unlucky Archaeologist “Luke”]. The rather plain-looking undead darted towards the Progenitor and her Soulbound, screaming and foaming and brandishing what looked like an extremely old, extremely rusted shovel.
It feels weird every time I see a monster with an acquaintance’s name. The designers should apologise to my brother. Mmmh… I wonder how he’s doing. He said he joined a guild recently… Should have asked the name of the guild. Now that I think about it… What was Luke’s class again?
With his uncommon speed, Luke the strange zombie rushed past the clownish cultists and the four Fallen Guards, and lunged at the mismatched duo. Athena raised her shield to intercept the shovel, which was swung with surprising mastery, and…
“UUUUUU-” *tap* “ARGH-” *splarsh*
…the undead archaeologist tripped and splattered on the large shield. The shovel fell clattering on the ground and was left there, its threat level considerably lowered.
“…”
“…”
“Unlucky indeed.”
“It’s problematic,” complained Athena while scratching her head with her free left hand. “I know I should be prepared for battle, but I really can’t feel tensed because of those guys. It annoys me, but I suggest we flee.”
Victoria gulped down a mid-tier mana potion and looked at her blue gauge which began to fill slightly faster.
Then she answered: “Mmmmh… Yeah… Well, without the river, we can go out the way we came in, no? Pffff… It’s in situations like this that I somehow miss my former avatar… and a good sword. Fleeing from such ridiculous pipsqueaks… I used to flee from no monster… and die a lot I guess… Well at least I… yeah… cute… maybe love… wonder… both crazy… candyfloss… fucked up… though… fun… birthday?”
Athena, uncaring of the gory remains maculating her gear, glanced at the slowly approaching multitude, which was still increasing in numbers, and then at her nearby companion, who was distractedly picking her nose while sighing, mumbling unintelligibly and looking at the ceiling.
I suppose she isn’t tensed either… Though, is she ever?
Unceremoniously, the Shieldbearer picked up the Bloodsoul Mage and yanked the slender girl over her shoulder. Victoria didn’t protest and instead enjoyed the sensation of the tall woman’s warm cheek against her butt through the thin leather of her suit. She yawned and closed her eyes, lulled by her favourite bedtime ambiance: undead wails.
“Riiaaawn… Right… Thena, don’t forget the dagger.”
“Yes.”
Athena nodded and adopted a moderate trot. She went towards the hungry mob, casually deflecting a few incoming projectiles – one of the monsters even threw its own head – with her filthy shield. Without lowering her pace, she bent down and picked up the short crude weapon, before making a U-turn and shifting her track towards where the waterfall… ectoplasmafall used to be.
Reopening her eyes, the Victoria extended a hand from Athena’s back and gestured for the dagger to be handed over to her. The Shieldbearer complied, before reaffirming her hold on the dhampir’s upper-upper-upper-thighs.
With a little smile – and a mental chibi version of herself scowling in confusion from her own enjoyment of this casual molesting – Victoria observed the [Sacrificial Dagger of the Soul-Eater]. On the outside, it looked like a rather crude bone knife with no outstanding feature besides its extraordinary sharpness.
“[Hereditary Memory].”
*pupuuuu*
Failed to identify the item.
Failure uh? Because it’s new I guess, so it doesn’t exist in “my” ancestors’ database. Well, back to the good old method. We’re going to Start anyway. Might as well go meet that perverted geezer.
Victoria sighed and threw the dagger in her inventory.
I don’t really want to meet him in this body though… Then again, I might get the cutie discount. Why don’t I feel grossed out by this perspective? And where is that pauldron <2> pressing? … Anyway, I need to get that thing appraised somehow, so I don’t really have a choice.
General appraisal skills like [Hereditary Memory] were extremely rare. Players and NPCs most often had knowledge only about items linked to their specific professions, which made identifying uncommon artefacts a rather complicated issue.
Low level enchantments could be analysed by competent mages, but more often than not, the power of magic tools were discovered by trial and error… a very dangerous and inefficient method when some of those artefacts could only be used once… or when the aforementioned power was something unpleasant like invoking a rain of watermelons, spreading a deadly epidemic of Tentaculis Varicella, reversing the gravity in the sewers, or turning all the cats inside a designated city in man-eating flying tunas.
Thankfully for everyone, such absurd objects were scarcely found…
Except by a certain person…
After a particularly regrettable incident involving a provincial lord’s daughter, a woollen skirt and a very pissed flowery swordsman, Elric had thus decided he was in need of a more reliable testing method.
This resolution had ended up – via scores of ludicrous twists and turns – with the Wandering Knight rediscovering the [Lost Library of Butv’Erisit] and its immortal guardian. The old man had been a ridiculously powerful archmage. Even Elric would have been but a fly to swat for the [Lore Keeper “Bartimeus Octavelnor Bremedion”]… alias Bob.
However, like most of his kind, Bob the Immortal had been suffering from a disease worse than death.
He was bored out of his wrinkled undying ass.
After amassing almost all the knowledge the world had to offer – or at least everything he could or bothered to get his greedy hands on – little could still arose his interest.
Nevertheless, on that fateful day when he should have pitifully died, as it had just so happened, Elric the Reckless Imbecile had, unbeknownst to himself, been wearing the [Red Tights of Papa Kmurf], an item which had greatly interested the idle Lore Keeper. Thus, after two weeks of joint research through the crumbling meanders of the criminally unkempt Lost Library, they had finally identified the strange legwear, and had become friends in the process.
Feeling generous towards his first friend in a little eternity, Bob had granted the Wandering Knight full access to the library – a very dubious gift since nobody beside Bob could find their way inside that labyrinth – and, more importantly, the help of the immortal himself in identifying any artefact Elric might come across. The old man was horrendously stingy with his knowledge though, so his services weren’t free, but it was better than wiping out a small civilisation every time the Reckless Imbecile wanted to test a magic spoon.
For the little anecdote, the [Red Tights of Papa Kmurf] actually invoked the [Ravaging Kmurf Swarm], a terrible horde of a hundred thousand thumb-sized blue gnomes riding [Brocodiles] and [Brocoligators] – two very distinct species. As soon as the tights were unsealed, the kmurpfs would rise from their slumber, emerge from the earth at the place where they once fell in battle, and rush to answer the call of Papa Kmurf, destroying everything and everyone standing in their path.
Though Elric only had taken the cotton crimson pantyhose in that miasma-covered coffin covered in chains and laying on that black altar in that ancient cursed mausoleum because he had been cold and because repeatedly casting [Sun Warmth] was a pain… How could he have known it was dangerous? Frescos depicting slaughters can be so misleading sometimes.
Long story short, Papa Kmurf’s tights had been sealed once more by Bob the Immortal and the kmurf swarm had gone back to its slumber after causing only minimal damage and eating some unimportant flowers. And Elric had gotten his appraiser, who then decided to move to Start, because the Lost Library – true to its name – was in the freaking middle of nowhere – no, not that one – and… to quote Bob…
“The hell did my shitty city go?! Didn’t even freaking slept five hundred years! Those pussies couldn’t even repel that damn troll army while their king took a nap?!? Always counting on me to clean their damn messes! Trolls!? Seriously? Succubus, FUCK YEAH!! Those bitches rock! But trolls?! Have you ever fucked a female troll, Sun Kid? Well, don’t. Even an immortal would almost die after that. I know. Damn! There’s only ruins and fucking greenery around now! I’m no nudist tree-hugger pointy-eared freak! Ain’t gonna find any juicy cunt to ram my cock in here the middle of the fucking woods! Time to move out! Sun Kid, where’s the biggest whorehouse in the country? Wait. What’s the name of this country now?”
A truly venerable being.
* * *
“Vicky? We have a problem.”
A husky voice snapped the ex-knight out of her dejected reminiscing.
Victoria shook her head and looked around. The tall woman had unequipped her armour and was climbing the wall while carrying the Princess – who still was impersonating a potato sack with brio – like she was weightless… which was probably true from the Shieldbearer’s perspective. They were already midway up to the chasm leading to the bottom of the now empty lake. The undead horde below had almost reached the bottom of their wall.
She then looked up, trying to locate the aforementioned problem.
“Ah.”
More deformed undead were crawling out of their chosen exit, coming from the outside and scaling down the vertical stone with their six arms and clawed feet. [Spider Ghouls], the interface dutifully informed. They looked like normal humanoid ghouls though, if not for the supernumerary limbs. White-skinned, emaciated and full of sharp teeth.
Spider Ghoul. Spider Ghoul. Does whatever Spider Ghoul does… Ha-ha-ha. Am I right to assume they aren’t insectivores?
“Can you fend them off?” the frail Princess asked her muscular friend.
“Not while climbing and carrying you. Mana?”
Victoria shot a quick glance at her blue bar.
“Nope. Can shoot down one or two, but nothing more. And I’d rather not faint from anaemia while on your shoulder, so the blood armoury is closed for today.”
“I see,” Athena commented sternly, her mind racing for a solution.
The dhampir too was somehow annoyed. Usually in such predicament, Elric would have jumped in the fray and fought until he died, most likely laughing wildly for good measure. But now, though Victoria still couldn’t care less about kicking the blood-filled bucket herself, leaving Athena alone was another matter.
Well, in all honesty, Victoria already knew where the Shieldbearer would resurrect – a small town near the westernmost border of Firstland – and she believed she could get there rather quickly on her own, so the fastest way to get back to Start would probably be to commit suicide together.
…how idiotically romantic.
However, by virtue of common gaming sense, this wasn’t a valid option and the Reckless Imbecile had handed over the reins of their two-woman team to the one with common sense. So Suicide Express was out.
Did you know this text is from a different site? Read the official version to support the creator.
The Princess shot another glare at her interface, then raised an eyebrow when she noticed a somewhat useful information.
Eh? I guess I could survive at least then. But the whole point is that Thena gets out, not me… Tsh. What’s the point of all those numbers if they can’t get you out of these kind of situations?
If the colourful display had been equipped with an AI of its own, it might have retorted that said situation wouldn’t have happened if someone had properly cleared the dungeon instead of diving straight to the boss through the back door! However, as it was, it only passively flickered.
That flickering had been extremely vehement though.
“Aaaah… Are we screwed?” Victoria muttered.
“Seems like it,” her lift gravely agreed.
“Sorry, I guess. It’s kind of my fault.”
“Yes it is.”
“…sorry.”
“Nah. Shit happens.”
Though Athena said that, the dhampir knew how much the tall woman’s carefully raised avatar mattered to her, enough so that a single death penalty felt like a limb ripped off her body. And Athena’s furrowed copper eyebrows and clenched jaws showed how she was actually refraining herself from punching the wall in frustration.
“I’ll owe you one.”
“You bet you will.”
“Yeah… If we die, next time we see each other, as an apology, I’ll do anything you want me to. Okay?”
“Anything?”
The angry Shieldbearer’s face relaxed a little hearing that, and Victoria grinned, extremely proud of herself for no good reason.
“Get that lustful smirk off your face and stop drooling on my ass.”
“What?” Athena blushed. “I-I’m not drooling!”
“Yes you are.” She wasn’t though, nor was she smiling, but messing with the tall woman when she showed her bashful side was quickly becoming one of Victoria’s favourite hobbies. “And aren’t you going to deny having a lustful smirk? Also, we’re in an emergency situation. Try to focus a little. Seriously… You should chose you friends more carefully. It’s obvious some of them have a bad influence on you.”
“Don’t be stupid. Of course I’m focusing. Contrary to a certain someone, I can hold a conversation without getting distracted. It’s just that I can’t find a solution, so what’s the point of keeping quiet?”
“That’s a little fatalistic.”
“Realistic.”
“Ooooh, guys… Got some holy artefact to spare?”
“Yes. I should have something. It’s useless for me now anyway. Want it?”
“Yeah~ Free dope. Sweet. You’re cool Sis.”
“No prob.”
Victoria reached out to her inventory with the intention of retrieving one of the relics she was carrying… then she froze, her mind catching up with her mouth.
“…”
She slowly turned upwards to Athena, who was looking slightly dumbfounded at something on their left. Thus Victoria turned around once more, and her gaze met a pair of blind sunken white eyes, half-covered by messy brown-grey hair.
The eyes belonged to a head which stuck out horizontally from a narrow chasm in the wall. The man’s mouth was hanging sideways rather loosely and a good half of his teeth were missing or broken. His long hairs were unkempt and formed thick treads of random sizes. A large jagged hole was torn in his left cheek, revealing tendons, muscles and more shattered teeth, and his skin was deathly pale.
A rather generic fellow from a Z-movie thus, except maybe the slightly weird rasta vibe he was emitting.
What most interested the two adventuress however, wasn’t what the guy looked like, but what the game told them he was.
“[Archzombie “Nameless”]? What’s the point of a named monster, if there’s no name?” Victoria pondered out loud.
“No idea,” Athena followed up. “What’s an archzombie anyway?”
“Some kind of super zombie… I guess? Never saw one before. He seems rather friendly though…”
“Eeeeeh… Not to cut your flow… Sis… but can I have that arti’?”
Tilting its head even more, the nameless undead interrupted them with a stoned tone.
Victoria looked back at him, then at the hole from which his head sprouted out, her mind switching gear to improvisation overdrive. She then glanced at the approaching [Spider Ghouls] and at the heteroclite horde gathered below them. The [Resurrected Butterfly Cultists] were apparently preparing a large spell and many of the others were slowly spreading their wings. Even the spectres seemed to finally tire from killing each other and were progressively shifting their focus on the two – mostly – living beings in the room.
She spoke hurriedly: “Yes. But, question: do you have a body in there?”
“Whaaaa? No! I did not kill no one.”
Not even the sheriff? Ah! Focus.
“No, I mean. Do you have a body or are you just a head?”
The archzombie weirdly chuckled.
“That’s a funny question, Sis. Well, I think I do… have a body I mean… Well, it sometimes disappears or fly away, but it usually comes back before bedtime.”
“I see.”
I see he completely lost it. But that’ll do.
“If there’s enough space for your body, is there a passage out of the dungeon where you are?”
“Dungeon?”
“Out of the cave? To the surface? Where there are trees and leaves and wind and rotting bunnies?”
“Ah! …yeah.”
“Thena.”
“Understood. Try to hold on.”
“No need. It’s night time.”
With a thought, she unequipped all her clothes, momentarily appearing naked on Athena’s shoulder. The tall woman attempted to remain stoic, but her nostrils nevertheless slightly flared open.
“[Metamophosis].”
Then her body rapidly shrunk, and soon a small albinos bat stood on the Shieldbearer’s shoulder. The tiny mammal attempted a thumbs up, only to glare dejectedly at the single claw on her wing afterwards. Bat-Victoria sigh inaudibly, then jumped down, unfolded her wings and came flying back up.
Athena then nimbly scaled sideways towards the head, who was looking fascinated at the white creature circling around the Shieldbearer. She distractedly wondered how he was seeing with eyes like his, but her beautiful expert on undead was currently mute, and this was neither the time nor the place, so she pushed that thought at the back of her head and called out: “Stand back!”
“What?”
“Get the fuck away!”
“Whao, calm Bro… You’re level of stress is waaaaay to high… Hehe… High.”
The irascible woman clenched her jaws even more and decided to try one last time.
“I’ll smash that rock to get in. So you better get back.”
“Oki Bro… but not before we discuss about that ugly pool of anger in your heart. Look, I believe-”
“NOW!!”
“That’s so not good for your karma Bro…”
“I’M A WOMAN!!” she shouted and slammed her left foot in the rock wall right beside the narrow crevasse.
The nameless monster only had the time to mutter a confused “no waaa-” before the thin sheet of stone that had covered the hidden tunnel shattered… along with his head.
A fist-sized rock was expelled by the Shieldbearer’s kick, flying straight into his open mouth, exploding his remaining teeth, destroying his lower jawbone and continuing all the way to the back of his skull, severing it from his spine. The headless body slumped on the ground surrounded by debris, and upper part of his cranium rolled a little further with squishy sounds.
Grabbing the edge of the newly created opening, Athena pulled herself inside. She winced when her foot touched the ground. Even with her stellar strength, shattering rock while wearing nothing but normal shoes hurt. And since her cursed gear forbad her from using any other kind of protection, those shoes weren’t even reinforced leather boots, but only casual villager footwear. At the very least, she now had a sprained ankle and a few broken toes.
Never mind. It’s still within expectations. Can’t let it slow me down. Something so minor, compared to… Tsk. Why do I remember that annoyance of a man right now?
She shook her head, to dispel the memory of the back of a slightly older young man walking limply before her with a crutch, and observed the tunnel she was in. It was dark, obviously, but it would inconvenience neither of them. The passage was high but narrow, just enough for her to walk face-on, although it would be difficult to switch place with Victoria if the Shieldbearer herself walked in the front and enemies were to come from the back, or vice versa.
Deciding the likeliest possibility was for the monsters in the cave to catch up from behind, she addressed the dhampir: “Come here, I’ll do the rear-guard.” She frowned. “Or better, keep your bat form a little longer and come on my shoulder. It’ll be easier to protect you that wa-”
“Fascinating.”
Not listening to her partner’s words, the pale Princess was crouching beside the brutally decapitated undead, who was wearing only dirty rags.
Needless to say, the dhampir herself was still in her birthday suit. Her braid had become loose in the metamorphosis, and she casually pulled strands of her flowing white mane back behind her ear, revealing two round fleshy buns dangling above the bloody corpse as she hunched further over it. Her right hand was resting on the monster’s lifeless chest, gore sliding between her fingers, and a childish smile was plastered on her face while her eyes sparkled.
Gathering all her will, Athena ripped her gaze away from the hypnotic twin swinging and tried to sound authoritative, despite her rough breathing.
“Vicky, we should go.”
Suddenly coming back to reality at the sound of her friend’s voice, Victoria’s head snapped around and she jumped up. Athena gulped at the sudden frontal view and clenched her fists to force herself to keep her self-control. She often forgot because of how confident and crazy the pale girl always acted, but it dawned on the tall woman once again how defenceless Victoria could sometimes be.
’Anything’, she said?
She was feeling her aggressiveness swelling up, this part of her born from her violent self-loathing and deep need to be in control by fear of the unknown, this broken side of her psyche which had mixed over the years with her desire to be comforted, to be held tightly, to be loved despite her worthlessness, and had turned into a twisted dominating libido.
She had long ago learnt how to keep her twisted self in check, but it had progressively begun to cut loose ever since she had met the outgoing dhampir.
Her gaze wandered on the pale smooth tights, on the naturally white hair and on the perky mounds which would fit in her palms. She gulped again. Victoria, obviously lacking the exclusively female sixth sense that seemed to warn girls when they were being checked out, didn’t notice at all the way she was being looked at.
“Go? Yes, we should. The hungry bunch outside will catch up soon,” she replied in a casual manner, absent-mindedly scratching her chest with her bloodied hand. “But could you take this guy along? He’s pretty skinny, so I don’t think he’s that heavy… Is your foot okay? You’re breathing’s rough.”
Victoria’s melodious voice was filled with sincere worry – or at least as much as she was capable of – and Athena’s whole body jerked, like hit by lightning. She slowly exhaled, forcing her darkened emotions to back down in the depth of her mind.
The fuck was that Eva? Are you some kind of demented rapist? DAMN!! Get your shit together! What would Sis say if she saw you right now? Oh god, what would Vicky think if she could read my thoughts right now?
Though she knew the frail girl was already aware of her rather lustful dispositions, she really didn’t want Victoria to discover how much of a “sex-craving violent deviant” – like Hellen had put it – she really was.
“What? Ah. Yes, I’m alright,” she eventually answered, her aggressiveness subdued, though still lurking. “And why take him?”
“His soul is still in there. And I think he’s regenerating. Look at the head.”
Content to have something concrete to think about, and easily understanding what the Progenitor meant, the Soulbound pulled her attention towards her own [Soul Sense] and, indeed, she felt a small pulsation coming from the chest of the corpse. As for the ripped skull, it was rapidly melting into some kind of black goo while a new head was slowly growing from the severed neck.
She nodded for Victoria’s attention, without looking at her. The dhampir smiled and shifted back to her bat form, missing Athena’s loud sigh. The Shieldbearer then grabbed the regenerating archzombie and, with a tiny albinos mammal perched on her shoulder, limped further in the dark tunnel, still managing a brisk pace despite her injured foot.
Actually, she was rather glad that the pain kept her mind focused.
* * * * *
<1> Good old classic
Spoiler :
<2> A pauldron is the shoulder part of the armour.
Spoiler :
https%3a%2f%2fimg1.etsystatic.com%2f035%2f0%2f730384...1_sc04.jpg [https://img1.etsystatic.com/035/0/7303840/il_570xN.617367301_sc04.jpg]
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Back from Lourdes!
…
I never expected to say that one day. Well, meeting with handicapped and old people is rather fun in its own right. Try it, you might like it.
Anyway, I’m back and so are Victoria and Athena. Now maybe they will be able to reach Start before chapter 25… but I have my doubts.
So, thanks for reading, don’t hesitate to comment – or rate *wink* – and see you next chapter.
PS: I’m currently bleeding from the outside of my nose… What a weird feeling.