Whatever Works:

Council Meeting

“On second thought, let's not go to Camelot. It is a silly place.”

– King Arthur, Monty Python and the Holy Grail

– ***** –

- Alice’s PoV -

The Council Chamber was dark… really dark… another brilliant – no pun intended – idea of the Boss.

“Evil overlords should always meet in dark places,” he claimed, and since he rarely issued actual direct commands, everybody had just gotten along with it as usual.

Like that, as per his orders, the large pentagonal room had been built without a single window and not a single ray of the bright midday sun shining outside could get in. Fixed on the rough stone walls, torches constituted one of the two only light sources inside. The other being… candles.

Lots…

And lots…

Of candles…

Expensive candles…

That had to be changed often…

Such waste of money…

Well, it wasn’t like they lacked money, but still…

Anyway, aside from the candles, most of the space was occupied by a massive wooden round table, as well as seven artistically, and quite heterogeneously, carved thrones, each with its own design and crest:

A blazing sword and an icy shield, synonyms of undefeatable strength and unwavering armed protection.

A balance, symbol of… well… balance… order, law, justice… pick one.

A hammer and an anvil, mark of the ancient blacksmiths and all of those who worked metal.

A lemniscate, this sideway figure eight nobody ever remembered the name of, mathematical glyph symbolizing the concept of infinity. Alice had mitigate feelings towards her emblem, mostly because the only thing she felt was “infinite” about her position was the amount of paperwork.

Next was an eye in the middle of a palm – a “hamsa”, or “khamsah” or something… – supposed to represent the opened hand warding from the evil eye – Very mystic.. although I think the hand in question is the thing to be feared here, more than any eye.

A top hat… sort of out-of-place, but probably there to recall the head it was supposed to cover and all the wonders the human brain could come up with.

And, finally, a crown, symbol of absolute power and overwhelming might, symbol of the ruler, of the King.

This was a room were each word pronounced could change the fate of an entire world.

– *** –

In the barely challenged darkness, five shadows were sitting and one was standing, leaving two thrones empty. Yes, two. Six people, seven throne, two empty… Confusing maybe, but one person was actually sitting on a chair in a corner.

Standing before the Seat of Infinity, Alice was mechanically concluding her weekly report, while internally grumbling for the umpteenth time over the lack of decent lighting.

”Evil works in the dark”, right. Vey true Boss… but I’m no Demon King! For fuck’s sake! Really… I wish you would sometimes look down and consider the hardships of us simple mortals… *sigh* But I guess the Boss wouldn’t be “the Boss” if he wasn’t such a multipolar lunatic, on top of being an unmatched genius. In fact, it would be quite sad if he was like any other man. This unfathomable side of him is also part of his appeal after all. Yet… am I really the only one bothered by this situation?!

In her function of chief accountant, her role at those meetings was to report the details of the finances of the company, which, of course, included a shitload of numbers and statistics that no normally wired individual would expect anyone to remember by heart. However, for better or worse, the Boss was everything BUT normally wired.

Thus, there she was, standing next to an uncomfortable overly decorated wooden chair, in a windowless pentagram-ish room full of dying church candles, suffocating in the thick smell of melting wax and rapidly dwindling oxygen, surrounded by walls made of rough stone blocks covered in ancient tapestries… on the FREAKING NINETY-EIGHTH FLOOR OF A FREAKING SKYSCRAPER IN THE FREAKING STATE OF CALIFORNIA!!!

Damn!

Nevertheless, Alice Duchesne, thirty-five years old, single, Scorpio, blood-type B and self-proclaimed tough woman, remained professional from the end of her blond tied-up hairs to the tip of her polished nails, and continued to speak in a calm and refreshing tone, her trademark confident smile raising the corners of her mouth, forbidding by sheer will to any drop of sweat the right to mess with her subtle make-up, and not letting her inner annoyance leak to the surface… not too much at least… she hoped. She was quite proud of her self-control, but her naturally hot temper and lack of patience had more than once played tricks on her, often tearing apart the mask of the sound and collected businesswoman she liked to present herself as.

In her hand, a neat and organised report shone only by its uselessness, since it was virtually impossible to read anything in here without being blessed with night vision, an ability sadly very uncommon on this side of the gaming pods – not that her character in-game possessed it either. And of course, backlighted notepads were banned from the medievally designed “Council Chamber”.

No problem though. It was her job, so she had to do it. Simple as that. Besides, she had an excellent memory and had always been good with numbers… so what was remembering all the numerical data of a company counting a hundred seven thousand one hundred and sixty-three registered employees and thirty-five subcontractors all over the world? Compared to being a single mother of two? Nothing. Alice Duchesne wasn’t so weak that she would kneel to the likes of bad lighting, suffocating warmth and oxygen deprivation!

Also, she was long used to such mild hardships.

Four months ago, she had been admitted into Whatever Inc., directly propelled to the higher spheres of the company thanks to her impeccable past records, and forced to jump on the runaway bandwagon in the debacle following the sudden death of the previous chief accountant.

Back then, the apparent total lack of organization that ruled the place had taken her slightly aback, but, faithful to herself, she had quickly adapted and learnt to discern the underlying pattern of logic in the seemingly uncontrolled chaos. It really wasn’t that hard once you accepted the postulate that everyone here was just doing his own stuff while also contributing to the grand scheme of things. In fact, Whatever worked more like a natural ecosystem than an actual company, and she had made sure to be from the get-go recognized as one of the top predators by every single creature around.

“Nobody is normal. Do your job, humour your co-workers, and don’t stomp all over anyone else’s delirium with your own madness” that was the motto.

Besides, as surprising as it may seem, every member of the top brass, despite their unorthodox personas, were all over-competent geniuses in their respective fields. Even she, who had always felt sort of like an UFO wherever she worked in the past, somehow felt at ease here, in spite of all the daily annoyance she had to deal with.

– *** –

“… and reducing the budget of the sixth programming team by a fourth, at least until their can prove their usefulness, which I personally think they won’t be able to, given their recent lack of achievement. Incidentally, I already have drafted a plan for the reallocation of personnel after their failure. Just in case.

Aside from that, the exceeding funds generated by this cut will be redirected to the ninth programming team for the financing of the project Julius Roots submitted last week concerning the development of new monsters in the Far North of Pandore.

Since Hatter is late as usual, I will forward him my report later… again, as usual. I already gave your copy to Linda, your Majesty. So, yes. I think… that’s all for this week…”

She pretended to look at her unreadable report.

“Ah! Right. There was also a slight increase in profits due to the advertisement campaign featuring the guild ‘DragonHeart Flower’.” Somehow, on top of her accountant duties, she had ended up in charge of marketing as well. “Given their current position as number one ‘good’ guild in the game, DHF is quite appealing to the general player. I suggest we use them again, despite the… irregular… reason why we made them that proposition in the first place.”

Almost spitting this last sentence, she directed a disgusted glare towards the hamsa… ahmza… asthma-something throne on her left, while a deep and amused voice rose from the Crown Seat.

Definitely, Whatever Inc. was a nest of wackos and social cases…

“So… nothing worrisome this week again, Lady Duchesne?”

…but the most interesting of them all was undoubtedly “the Boss”, Michael Kurotora, CEO and chief designer of Whatever Incorporated, genius among geniuses, unmatched brain of the century, if not the millennium, mad alien stranded on Earth.

Nothing seemed out of reach for his crazy mind, and he could master anything as long as he put a minimum of thoughts into it. Even highly acclaimed leading figures of all fields, be it science, mechanics, aeronautics, politics, philosophy, or even agriculture, would ineluctably be dwarfed by his overbearing might. Every so often, Alice would come across one of such “experts” being escorted out by Linda Jones, the Boss’ secretary – currently sitting in the corner. They always had the same broken expression of someone who had just been crushed in a domain they thought they ruled over.

Many people in high places probably thanked whatever divinity they followed every day that this man, Michael Kurotora, had chosen to dedicate his life to the entertainment industry, and not to something like warfare or bio-weapons. Had it be the case, it wouldn’t have been enough no matter how many planets humans had, he would have reduced them all to piles of radioactive mutating rubbles, probably starting a couple zombie apocalypses in the process.

Actually, since the release of Untold Tales, Michael Kurotora had some time on his hands so, instead of donating part of his fortune to some association like many rich one-percenter liked to do, he would sometimes use it himself in the facility he had had built under W-Tower, also known as “the Dungeon”, to do some charitable research as a hobby. Last week, he had cured cancer on a bet.

Alice wasn’t too sad about the five dollars she lost.

She was also deeply convinced that the Boss could have easily operated the company all by himself, if it wasn’t for the sheer material impossibility of the task, the way he liked to surround himself with “interesting people”, and his natural tendency to care very little for things he deemed unimportant. A habit which was also why all those experts looked so dead inside after talking to him. What could be more mortifying than being defeated by someone who treated your life’s work as a mere unappetizing side-dish?

Straightening her posture, Alice stopped glaring at the cockroach – insistence on the “cock” – on her left, and looked back at the man himself.

Nonchalantly sitting on his massive throne, seemingly unconcerned by the suffocating atmosphere, the Boss looked regal in his masterfully tailored, military-ish, black suit, closely fitting his athletic built and chiselling his well-designed muscles, completed by silver arm-rings and a silky golden cape draped on his wide shoulders, matching the simply designed golden crown resting atop his short black hair. A faint mysterious knowing smile floated on his lips, childish sparkles were dancing in his slightly slanting dark blue eyes that reflected the flames of the candles, and every angle of his ageless face was accentuated by flickering shadows.

If the devil was a businessman, I bet he would look exactly like this. Calm, manly, enticing, a bit mischievous, and with eyes looking straight into your soul with glee. I never know if I should smile back or run away.

As usual, Alice felt both attracted and oppressed by the aura of charism and power that surrounded the CEO… and that he managed to keep up whatever he chose to wear, something that would change depending on which character he decided to impersonate. She still vividly remembered him welcoming her as a yakuza-godfather on her first day and switching to Darth Vader mid-interview.

”Welcome to the Dark Side, sign here”, he said… good think I had come prepared.

Today he was in Modern King Arthur mode, so the adaptive chief accountant responded accordingly to his previous question:

“No, your Majesty. Nothing worrisome at all. The coffers are full, the economy is stable, and the kingdom is as prosperous as ever.”

King Michael’s smile broadened like a kid who had just found a fun playmate and Alice’s heart skipped a beat. Thankfully the ambient obscurity hid her slight blush. Nothing was all bad indeed.

“Excellent as usual, Lady Duchesne. What would We do without you?”

Probably go bankrupt, you evilly charming scatterbrain madman.

Swallowing her thoughts, she bowed, hand on her heart, and answered in a practised humble tone:

“Your praises are wasted on me, my Liege. I am only doing my utmost to complete the tasks you entrusted me.”

Seeing right through her as usual, the Boss just kept grinning.

Without waiting for a reply, Alice then reached inside her white blazer and took out a small post-it… as impossible to read as her report… on top of being fundamentally unnecessary for such a short message. Even more so that said message had been the same every week for the past four months.

After all, if she could perfectly memorize dozens of pages of condensed transactions and statistics every week, what difficulty could pose a few words? However, it was her sincere belief that actual written notes handed in person were still indispensable to ensure good synergy between services, especially in this age of dehumanized machine-supported interactions.

Taking a fake glance at the useless piece of paper, she added:

“Nothing worth mentioning on Hendriksen’s side either. He sends you his regards.”

The last part was a lie though, again something the Boss was pertinently aware of.

Kurotora chuckled.

“We are sure he does… Aaaah, Lady Duchesne, although We already mentioned this, it truly is a wonder of this world how you managed to get this hermit to tolerate your company.”

“Well… Like I previously told your Majesty, he’s not as difficult as one might expect once you get to know him. Besides, someone has to make sure he’s eating properly and not working himself to death.”

“Haha. You speak the truth as always, Lady Duchesne. And you have Our profound gratitude for keeping him alive.”

Yeah, right. If this continues, I’ll soon become the nanny of this whole bunch of overgrown kids they call employees around here. But I really can’t leave Sundvis to himself…

Sundvis Hendriksen, head of the technical department and, at seventy-two years old, by far the eldest employee of the company, was known for being a rude and antisocial workaholic, and he never came to those weekly “council sessions”, except if a problem occurred in his particular area of expertise, something that hadn’t happened at least for the past four months.

Nothing mattered to him besides his precious “babies”, the machines he spent all his waking time building in the depth of his workshop. Alice personally liked the man. She found him pleasantly concise and to the point, and also not devoid of a peculiar sense of humour. However, to call him impatient would be quite the euphemism, and it was difficult for most people to simply approach him, let alone interact with the man. It also didn’t help that Sundvis was deaf and mute, and also liked to self-derisively dress up as a mime.

Despite being herself more of a mathematics nerd – she was quite aware of it –, Alice was also knowledgeable in both machinery and electronics. The reason was that, before being a model businesswoman, she was first of all a mother. It didn’t matter that her daughters weren’t really her own, she took pride in the upbringing she was giving them and was convinced that being well-informed about their interests was part of the job. And it just so happened the younger one’s passion was exactly Sundvis’ domain – the older was more into music, and, to Alice’ delight, actually part of a quite successful band.

Thus, the chief accountant was able to hold a decent conversation with the reclusive engineer without too much difficulties – she was also fluent in fourteen different languages, which, of course, included sign language. Besides, Sundvis’ personality reminded her of her late big brother, so she just couldn’t leave him alone.

Being both direct persons, Alice and the old man had rapidly formed a rough camaraderie, and, as the closest to him in the whole company, she also became his stand-in – or “homing pigeon”, like that moron Edward like to call it – in most of his interaction with the Boss.

– *** –

Reminding herself to go check if Sundvis had actually eaten his dinner, Alice brought her mind back to the current conversation, and replied with her best honest smile:

“Not at all, your Majesty. It is my belief that trustful cooperation is the key to efficient work.”

Leaning on the table, the King linked his hands under his closely shaved chin, and gave her a penetrating look that sent shivers down her spine.

“Indeed, lady Duchesne. Indeed… Nevertheless…” He slowly caressed his lower lip with his thumb, pretending to think deeply about his next sentence. “I seem to recall some… up and downs… in your relationship with Sir Dab-”

*SLAM*

The door abruptly banged open, and another crazy person entered the room.

“SORRY! I’m late! Ah! Did I interrupt something? Sorry your Kingness. But I had some last minute business to take care of that took longer than expected. Haha! I’m sure you’re going to be happy about it, Eddy. Consider it your unbirthday present, four days in advance. AH!! No wonder I’m late! My watch is exactly two days slow! Would you believe it?! Let me set it to tomorrow so that- Oh! Alice! You’re here! A cup of tea?”

Brandishing a fuming porcelain teapot with cute kitten motifs and a couple of matching cups, the short noisy character that made irruption in the Council Chamber was shoeless and wearing a colourful redingote seemingly only made out of pockets, a plaid shirt, a huge azure bow tie and an impressive green top hat covered in red dots. He was in his early thirties, but the long messy white hairs covering most of his face made it quite difficult to confirm.

“Thank you Mr. Hatter. Another time maybe,” Alice politely declined.

Not that she didn’t like neither the man, nor tea – his actually was exceptionally good –, but drinking something warm in the suffocation room was above what she could endure.

“That’s alright Kevin, no sweat. Calm down and take a seat,” Kurotora replied in a casual tone, momentarily dropping his kingly demeanour.

Kevin Hatter, in charge of programming, was the only one in front of whom the eccentric CEO of Whatever Inc. would sometimes behave like a normal human being, momentarily breaking with whatever impersonation he was currently doing, and going back to what Alice supposed was Kurotora’s true personality. This had probably to do with the fact both of them were old friends, but Alice again thought that it was also a sign of the Boss’ profound respect towards Hatter – she actually felt a bit jealous, but understood the difference in treatment.

Indeed, in the long streak of Kurotora’s expert victims, Hatter was the one notable exception. One could say that, if the Boss was a super genius in every field, then Hatter was a true god of programming. After all, he was the man that almost single-handedly brought to life the cutting-edge AIs that now ruled over the virtual world of Untold Tales.

Even now, he still continued to take a very active part in the game supervision. According to him, he had to, because computers were too slow by “lack of butter” – whatever that means… He was also the only one in the company, perhaps in the world, able to easily keep up with the Boss, outsmarting him sometimes even, and it was the combination of these two insane minds that, more than a year ago, shocked the entire world with a little game that would later revolutionize virtual reality as a whole.

And insane he was, very specifically so, with his quite obvious maniacal obsession with Lewis Carroll’s Wonderland. Alice never brought herself to asking if “Hatter” was actually his real name or if he had it changed. <1> She however perfectly knew he had had something to do in her recruitment, and that her spotless background hadn’t been main the reason behind his choice, if a reason at all. It was a rather sour spot in fact.

“Thanks, Micheal Mikey Myking. Tea?”

Crouching on his designated throne like an exotic bird, Hatter took off his huge top hat and laid it down on the table… and his fake white hairs with it, revealing short blond ones underneath.

“Yes, thank you.”

“With two sugars as usual, right?”

The crazy programmer filled the two cups, then grabbed a handful of white cubes in one of his innumerable pockets, and haphazardly dropped them in the fuming beverage, before pushing one of the cups towards the Boss, who calmly took it and started to drink, not minding the pile of sugar that almost out-massed the tea.

Resisting the urge to face-palm and choosing to massage the brink of her nose instead, Alice sat back down on her own seat, but the Boss wasn’t done with her.

“Right, Lady Duchesnes. Like We were saying…”

You know, Boss, no matter how regal you talk, you’ll still look silly holding a cup full of wet sugar…

“… despite your cooperation philosophy, which We applaud, We cannot help but recall your difficult relationship with Sir Dabbler.”

To emphasis his point, he designated the man sitting in the Eyed-Palm Throne, who, at the mention of his name, raised his gaze from the Rubik’s Cube he was currently playing with. Following the Boss gesture, Alice turned to her left, her eyes growing rapidly cold and her self-control crumbling.

“With all due respect, your Majesty, I think Edward,” she snorted the name like talking about some excrements under her shoe, “is a moronic man-child with brain damage who wouldn’t be able to even think properly with anything other than his lower half if Cornelia wasn’t there to blackmail him otherwise and remind this trash that his dick isn’t the Eighth Wonder of the World”, she concluded her rant in a dangerously poised voice, flashing a beautiful smile that would have made a serial killer run away in fear.

This text was taken from Royal Road. Help the author by reading the original version there.

Kurotora unwittingly let out a very unlordly chuckle at her merciless retort, while another voice raised in protest:

“Hey! Alice, leave Cornelia out of this!”

Alice felt a vein pop somewhere in the region of her forehead.

“Shut your mouth, locust, before I sew it! First of all, don’t call my name so casually, the sound of your voice makes me sick…”

Even with his current whiny tone, Edward Dabbler, head of Public Relationships – and other stuff he liked to pretend were important –, still managed to sound “manly” and “seductive… or, at least, it was what the herd of his sexually frustrated bird-brained fangirls called him – some gay men too, but he hated those, more of a trauma in fact, which dated back to the day Alice had “invited” him in what he didn’t know was a gay bar, and then stood him up.

It might have been a bit cruel… Nah. At least he got the message. “Leave me the fuck alone if you care about your ass!” Sucks to be a famous pretty face, right?

They weren’t on very good terms…

Back during her first week, she had tried to remain patient and tolerant under the unsubtle wooing of the annoying pathological womanizer, however, after dangerously nearing her breaking point and pulling her little prank to let off steam, she had adopted what she considered an half-way attitude, meaning she openly despised the dickhead but refrained herself from punching him in the face and crushing his package under her heel every time they crossed path.

Has it been mentioned she wasn’t a very gentle woman?

Right now, Edward was giving her the I-am-so-outraged look, exaggeratingly blinking his green prankster’s eyes, with a supposedly charming vexed pout plastered on his perfect playboy face.

Thinking of all the future victims of that face, Alice almost forgot her no-violence resolution and seriously contemplated ripping off those perfect crow-black hairs ruffled with studied rich-bad-boyish-ism, stripping him from his expensive suit he was wearing loosened despite it being an obvious perfect fit, and hanging him butt-naked outside the tower by the tie he never wore, with his god DAMNED RUBIK’S CUBE SHOVED UP HIS ASS!! Like always trifling with puzzles was going to make him look any smarter!?

Okay, let’s be honest. She hated his guts.

Jumping on any woman in sight like a beast in heat, Edward always flashed his looks and money to drag his defenceless preys into his bed, before throwing them away for the next pair of breasts he caught glimpse off. Perfect looks. Perfect background. Perfect douchebag.

“Second, why would I leave Cornelia out of this? It is precisely her who asked me to keep your sorry ass in line and make sure your glorified toothpick stayed in your pants when you’re supposed to work. And, as much as I would like nothing better than never ever acknowledging your depraved existence, I just can’t turn down a friend… Really, I know no bigger mystery in this world than how such an immoral dog can be the father of such an upright and thoughtful girl… Well, I guess you did excel in showing her what not to do. You’re lucky the Boss considers you useful. Because I sure don’t, and who do you think puts the zeros on your pay-cheque every month?”

Although she said that, and it hurt her mind only thinking it, Alice had to admit that the moron did have his uses. He had a gift with people, which he sadly mostly used for skirt-chasing. Even back when he owned nothing more than his little gaming magazine, his address book already made the bosses of America’s most prominent newspapers foam in jealousy. A single word from him and companies could crumble, and it was only because he was such a slouch that his business never took off.

The thoughtless words he had thrown at Kurotora during this one fateful interview, and the half-Japanese sudden interest, had brutally changed his life.

Now, with his daughter keeping him on a tight lead, and the Boss gently pulling her strings in the background, Edward Dabbler had turned into the ideal spokesman, with all the charisma, efficiency and connections necessary to maintain the good image of Whatever in the public’s eye.

That was only when it came to work though. In private, he was still a lazy bum with no control over his libido.

“And do I need to remember the mess you caused when you almost raped the vice-master of DHF we had invited for a little chat?”

“You’re exaggerating! And it’s her who was giving me the loo-”

“SHE WAS A MINOR!!”

“How was I supposed to know? With a body like that…”

“That’s PRECISELY why we give IDs to visitors! Oh! Right… Given where she had pinned it, no wonder you weren’t able to read it properly. Sorry, I forgot you had two ‘brains’, but not enough blood to fill them both at the same time. Maybe if I plucked your eyes out, you would finally be able to see? And perhaps reach a higher plane of existence? Hopefully very far from this one?”

“Tsk. That terrible temper of yours is exactly why you can’t find a man willing to bang you who isn’t a pathetic masochist, Cypher Queen!” Dropping the angry-puppy-eyes, Edward returned her scornful glare.

And who was running after me for two weeks four months ago?

Smiling in triumph, Alice simply shrugged at the nickname.

“I’m only honest when talking about garbage.”

“YOU BI-”

*HEM*

Both the belligerents’ heads turned to the right, towards the source of the lound cough, which was quickly followed by a carefully articulated voice raising from the Balance Throne.

“Dabbler. Please do not swear so unbecomingly. And you, Duchesne. I sympathize with you, a woman, who has to deal daily with this undesirable parasite to all of womankind, but please control yourself while the council is in session. Yes.”

The one who had just nipped in the bud the impending verbal punch-up between the accountant and the spokesman was the supervisor of legal matters, Marc Stern, who was currently casting upon them a disapproving look over the small round glasses pinched on his beak-like nose.

The retired lawyer was the faithful embodiment of his name: vigilant, strict, always uncompromising, as well as suffering from a severe compulsive disposition towards neatness and organization. Alice never truly understood how the overly forthright sexagenarian endured working in a place almost entirely populated with chaotic nutjobs. Although it was true his presence in the tower was rarely needed, as his reputation alone sufficed to dissuade most people who would wish to sue Whatever.

Indeed, during his long career, Stern had never lost a case, and half of his colleagues that had one day faced him in court ended up quitting right after, crushed by the inhuman minutia and flawlessness of his speeches.

So he would mostly only appear each week for these meetings, punctual like clockwork, and didn’t even say that much.

The man himself looked more akin to a businessy undertaker than a lawyer – whatever a lawyer was supposed to look like. Similarly to a skinny anthropomorphic vulture, his bold head was perched at the end of an uncommonly long neck, which was in turn coming out of a meticulously cleaned dark grey suit and encircled by a scientifically tied tie.

Incidentally, he had in the past published a five-hundred-paged book on “tie tying”. Alice had given it a look… and had fallen asleep twice before the end of the first chapter.

In all honesty though, even if she found the man a tad irritating, Alice thought he wasn’t such a pain… as long as you learnt to avoid him subtly enough… and made sure to always be impeccably dressed and polite in his presence, two things he highly valued and were the reason why he held Edward in such contempt, idolized the Boss, and thought of Alice as a kindred soul because of her outwardly professionalism. Curiously, it seemed like Hatter sort of made him confused and uncomfortable, so he just tried not to look at the head programmer.

Faithfull to her belief in maintaining good relationships with her co-workers – Edward didn’t count, as she didn’t consider him a human being – Alice bowed slightly towards Stern and rectified her appearance, seemingly without thinking about it, earning herself an appreciative look.

“My apologies Mr. Stern. I forgot myself.”

Some might call her a two-faced bitch – and the horny spokesman never hesitated to do so – but she didn’t act this way to receive praise herself, but sincerely believed it was all for the smooth functioning of the company. Which was true, seeing most of the employees held the “Cypher Queen” in high regard and would work more diligently simply to get her approval.

Well, she couldn’t deny she also enjoyed the attention, but who didn’t like being respected and looked up to?

In turn, Edward muttered a vague apology and decided to change the subject.

“Right, Kevin. You said you had something I would like?”

Everyone in the room turned their gazes towards the mad Hatter sitting weirdly on his throne. Even the Boss lifted an inquisitive eyebrow while taking another sip of his tea-ish sugar.

Looking lost in thoughts, the target of the general attention didn’t at all notice the sudden silence. After a few seconds of awkwardness, Kurotora extended his free hand, and snapped his fingers in front of his distracted friend, bringing him back from wherever his mind had wandered to.

“Ha! Yes? More tea?”

“No, Hatter. Sir Dabbler here wanted to know about what you were talking about earlier. We are also quite curious. Is it about ‘that’?”

“Ah! ‘That’!? Yes. Yes it is!”

“Oh, so it really is ‘that’.”

“Yes, your Majesty, ‘that’.”

“Mmmmh… ‘That’… Now We understand…”

“Hahaha. Your Kingship is quite mischievous, to be enjoying ‘that’…”

“We shall not deny We were quite awaiting ‘that’, since you always spoke about ‘that’ with such enthusiasm.”

“Haha. Well, I had ‘that’ in mind for quite some time actually.”

“Yes… ‘that’.”

“Indeed, ‘tha-”

“WHAT THE HELL IS ‘THAT’!!!”

For once, Alice and Edward were united in their annoyance and yelled simultaneously at the two insane geniuses engrossed in their comedy routine. Noticing their own coordinated intervention, both glared hatefully at each other but tacitly decided that ‘that’ was more important than going at each other’s throat right now.

“Haha. Such impatience, Lady Duchesne, Sir Dabbler. Right, Hatter. Tell them about ‘that’. Try to be concise for once.”

“Well, I was born on the fifteenth of April in the ye-”

“A bit more concise, please.”

“Right. Well, in the end, everyone dies.”

“… Kevin.”

“What?”

“Try to focus for five seconds.”

“Alright, alright. But first, a cup of tea.”

Alice and Edward gritted their teeth while the demented programmer carefully filled his cup with… well… mostly sugar again. Even the usually composed and self-assertive Stern was nervously tapping the table with his fingers. In the corner, Linda looked quite intrigued too, and the Boss once more chuckled. Only the last occupant of the room, who was yet to say anything, looked like she didn’t care.

Finally putting down his teapot, Hatter looked up again, took a sip, marked a long pose, enjoying the taste, and then said:

“…Yes?”

“HATTER!!!!” four voices shouted in unison.

Everyone briefly glanced surprised at Stern, who had also yelled and was standing up before his throne. The old lawyer fidgeted, embarrassed, then sat back down, and the gazes focused back on the mind-blowingly irritating tea-addict.

“Ah! Right. Eddy, remember when we talked about you not wanting to play the game until a certain race was available?”

“What?! You mean… it was unlocked?”

“Not yet, but the process has been launched.”

Edward looked delighted, which Alice only thought could mean nothing good.

“What race are you talking about?” she asked apprehensively.

“Hehe~ Alice. Alice. Alice… I can’t spoil everything, now can I?”

“What do I care?! I’m by principle opposed to anything that could make that pervert happy!”

“Shut up woman! That’s none of your business!”

“You-”

“Sorry to say, Lady Duchesne, but it is true this matter is between Hatter and Sir Dabbler. Please refrain from untimely interventions.”

“… If you say so, your Majesty.”

Edward flashed a mean-kid grin.

“Right, Alice. Cease your untimely cackling.”

“And you, Sir Dabbler, it would be most appropriate if you would stop behaving like a seven-year-old teasing the girl he likes.”

“Me?! With this bi-”

“DABBLER!” Stern, always on the lookout.

“Tsk. Alright, you psychorigid grandpa… So, Kevin. When can I have my race?”

“It’s not your race, Eddy. If anyone’s, it will belong to the one who succeed in unlocking it.”

“Right. Right. I get it, but when?”

Hatter ceremoniously took a look at his watch, and frowned, visibly confused, then pulled another out of one of his pockets, then a third, then a fourth. After a few minutes – and half a dozen more watches – he seemed to finally reach a conclusion. Satisfyingly nodding, Hatter raised his head towards Edward, and confidently answered:

“I don’t know.”

“… Come again?”

“I don’t know.”

“Seriously?”

“I don’t know.”

“You really don’t know?”

“How could I know what I don’t know I don’t know?”

“STOP TOYING WITH ME, YOU MAD TEA-FREAK!!”

“Mad I am, but I’ll let you on a secret… All the best people are! And I truly don’t know how long it will take. It depends on the players. But I sincerely hope my favourite will succeed the quest on the first try.”

“The one you’ve been talking about for months? Or the other one?” Kurotora cryptically cut in.

“The first.”

“And you threw him into that curse?”

Hatter made a vague dismissive gesture.

“She will be just fine. And I have a few contingencies in place.”

“Please remember you can’t toy too much with the players, Hatter.”

“Don’t worry Mikey. I made sure to follow the rules, and this one’s quite willing to be toyed with if I may say… I’m sure you’d like him. Why not drop by for a little tea party?”

“Maybe latter. We do not believe he would be that easy to reach right now.”

“What curse?” Alice was still trying to get some insight.

She hated being kept out of the loop.

“Who cares?” Dabbler countered. “Hatter! Has this guy what it takes to unlock my race?!”

“Well, I don’t think so.”

“Uh?”

“It’s a curse that take two people to break. And simply breaking it wouldn’t unlock the secret race. Besides, the loophole to truly beat the curse is a bit tricky to find. And he’s in no position of doing much… Bah. I’ll send her a little help!”

“You’d do that? Wait… is ‘he’ or ‘she’ in the end?”

“Does it matter? And I’ll act if I feel like it.”

“YOU DAM-”

“Father. I’m tired. If the meeting is finished, I will go sleep.”

Out of the blue, a monotone husky voice interrupted the discussion, and everyone once more turned around, this time focusing their gazes on the sixteen years old girl getting up from the Sword and Shield Throne.

Wearing a baggy tracksuit, the girl had a slim built, a beautiful but deadpan face, half-closed eyes, and striking messy blue hair oddly reflecting the flames of the surrounding candles. With dark bags under her eyes, and her unsteady demeanour, she looked about to collapse if someone were to blow too hard on her.

However, messing with her thinking she was your average weak disillusioned and uncaring teenager would be a fatal mistake, because she was in fact a master in at least a dozen martial arts, and would have given a good run to black belts in most others, while also being proficient with innumerable kinds of weapons, from katana to machine-gun via rolling pin.

And she was merciless.

Alice once saw her singlehandedly subjugating eight armed grown men that had invaded the W-Tower for… reasons. They hadn’t really had the time to state their business. When the police called by the automate alarm system finally arrived, they had found Michael Kurotora himself practicing CPR on one of the men who had stopped breathing, while the other seven laid unconscious with several broken bones and a few more holes in their bodies than an hour earlier.

On her chest was pinned a round tag with the number two, a way to differentiate her from her three identical sisters.

The other employees had affectionately nicknamed them the “Clones Quartet” and, despite their age, those four were actually the ones in charge of the security in the tower, as well as the only beta-testers of Untold Tales.

Since many places in game were still in development, and checking for bugs in a virtual reality from behind a computer screen wasn’t always the easiest way, their role was to venture into those undisclosed parts – the “discovery bonus” had of course been turned off for them – and report any anomalies they found. Which also meant they had to be the strongest of the game in order to keep a good advance over the other players.

To pull that off, on top of getting a little head start a week before the official release, they used a simple technique that allowed them to play twenty-four hours a day with ease: they only had one character for the four of them and took shifts! At any time of day and night, one was playing, one was overseeing the security network, one was sleeping and the last one was taking care of her daily needs and training. A well-oiled routine.

However, the most surprising thing about the quadruplets was that they were… in fact… Hatter’s adoptive daughters.

“Yes, Zwei. You can go. Sorry for messing up your timetable.”

“No problem.”

With that short cold answer, she started walking towards the door, in passing only slightly bowing to the Boss.

“Good night uncle.”

“Good night. Although it is still the middle of the day.”

Not bothering to reply, she turned away and left. Seeing this, Alice jumped on the occasion to leave the suffocation meeting room and the cryptic madmen that refused to answer her questions, and jumped out of her throne.

“Wait! We’ll make a detour by my office. I have the CD you wanted!”

Still showing no visible expression, the girl stopped by the door, looked back, and faintly nodded.

“Umu.”

Quickly gathering her stuff, Alice said her goodbyes to everyone – except Edward of course – and rushed after her.

Behind her, an annoying voice called out:

“Zwei, don’t hang out too much with this old hag! You will catch her bad mouth disease!”

Barely moving her eyes in the direction of the spokesman, the young co-head of security let out a low but perfectly audible:

“Die. Lolicon.”

And, leaving the speechless douchebag behind, the two girls exited the room.

– *** –

Once outside, back in the modern hallway painted in white, Alice took a large breath of fresh air-conditioned oxygen, and ruffled the young girl’s hair.

“That’s no good, Drei. Why are you playing pranks on Hatter again?”

The members of the Clones Quartet might look so identical that even their own adoptive father couldn’t tell them apart, but not enough that simply switching their number tags would dupe the near-photographic memory of the attentive Cypher Queen.

Being caught red-handed in the act of identity theft, the third sister’s cheek unnoticeably reddened, and she slightly looked away, which was the closest thing she had to a pouting expression.

“Aaaaaw~ You’re so cute!”

Giving in to her motherly instinct, the female chief accountant briefly hugged her young impassive “colleague”.

“Alright. Let’s go. You should already be sleeping.”

Drei nodded.

“Umu.”

Taking the girl’s hand, Alice walked up to the elevator and pushed the arrow pointing downwards. While they waited, her preoccupied mind went back to what could have made Edward this happy.

Whatever that asswipe is planning, that can’t be good. But if Hatter is involved, I guess it couldn’t be that immoral either. They talked about a race… What race would please a blockhead sex offender recidivist? Something that can control other beings I guess… With a nice face… And killer charm… What can possibly… Oh shit! Vam-

*ting*

The lift was there.

– ***** –

<1> There’s actually a little catch to the name “Kevin Hatter”. I’m not going to spoil it. Thumbs up if you get the reference. Hint: think of the Continent.

----------------------------------------

And here a little insight on what’s going on at Whatever Inc. Since Alice is more of a serious persona, her point of view might have been less funny, but I hope it wasn’t boring anyway.

Some of you might also think I’m posting too much side-stories lately, but I had to put them somewhere or they wouldn’t have fit chronologically. And as the few following chapters are IRL, I thought it was a good idea to slip them in the transition.

As a reminder, the “side-stories” are in fact part of the “main story”, but aren’t centred on the MCs. In theory, the actual “chapters” could be read and understood without the SS, but the background and characters would probably feel a bit flatter.

Aside from that, on the opening quote, let me say that if you have never watched that movie, you’re wasting your time here. Go away! NOW!! Go watch it! For Chaos’ sake!!! I’ll never forgive you if you continue reading my amateurish attempt at comedy and lose precious minutes you could use to laugh your ass off. Don’t come back until you’ve finished it. Here’s a sample.

Spoiler :

Okay, it’s quite dated. But those kinds of things are the ones that put the old in gold. (I’m more of the kind that puts the laughter into slaughter…)

So, so, so… Thank you for reading and see you next chapter with Nicolas, his sexy neighbour, and his school.

(PS: I feel a bit ridiculous typing this author’s footnote before having actually written a single line of the chapter… Why’d do that?)

Previous ChapterSide StoryBack to Fiction PageNext Chapter