Chapter 16 – Castle Guards
“Fools! Idiots! Imbeciles!
… Oh, they're hopeless.
A disgrace to the forces of evil.”
– Maleficent,
Sleeping Beauty
– ***** –
Three days before breakdown, night (IGT)
“RROOOOAAARGLE-BLEH-BLEH-BLEH!!!!”
“Nope … Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.”
Elric was running.
Behind the Wandering Knight, the oeuvre of a drunken high god on ecstasy – high god indeed – was stumbling on the road at a speed defying all logic of anatomy and motor function combined.
“How? WHY?! By that asshole Chao-”
“GRAAAAA-BULUBULUBULU!!”
“SHIT!! Shit-shit-shit. What the fuck, seriously? Where did that… thing come out from?!”
The Great Chaos: Out of Nowhere. Of course.
A window popped into existence right before his eyes, blocking his sight and nearly causing him to trip to his death. After an acrobatic recovery, the unamused knight narrowed his eyes at the blue floating rectangle.
“YOU!! I knew it! This freak is Your doing, I’m sure. CONFESS YOU BASTARD!!” Elric shouted at his Godly Stalker, while aggressively pointing a finger at nothing in particular v which made him look quite silly, in all honesty.
Chaos the Third: It… It was… a Mistake.
“Well, if it’s Yours, call it back. I don’t have time to deal with Your handicapped aborted pet right now!”
Awesome Myself: I’m a little teapot…
“AAAAAAAAAH!!! Fuck yoooOOUUU Chao-”
“BLLLEEEEHRRRRGH!!!!”
“…Oh zounds.”
Mildly cursing, Elric put the matter of the annoying deity aside, for the moment, and focused back on accelerating without losing his balance on the quaking pavement covered in slippery vines and moss. He was exhausted, drained of mana, life and satiety, and Bluerose Castle still was several hundred metres away, supposing that he could even get there before the bubbling freak caught up and that the crumbling ramparts would suffice to protect him of it.
It’s going to be a tad tight.
Right now, he wasn’t even considering the monsters awaiting him inside the castle.
– *** –
“Gobu Ru rik! Hirsh ot tekk ma shrreeft.”
Atop an old stone wall, on a windswept chilly walk, stood a young goblin, fresh from the nursery. Goblin Ru was his name, like he had just stated. His tattered sleeveless shirt was flapping in the cold gale, and he was shivering as he executed an approximate salute.
In front of him, a burly – as far as goblin burliness went – veteran guardsman, wearing a warm-looking padded gambeson <1> , replied with a disdainful snort, before leaving his post to the junior and, without a look for the trembling Ru, headed for the stairs leading down to the outer courtyard, his short-spanned attention already turned towards the female who was going to warm up his shrunken sword.
The young Goblin Ru immediately stepped in place of his senior, and nervously glued his eyes to the road leading to the castle. Today was his first day, so he really didn’t want to screw up. After all, watching over the main entrance – at least what was left of it – was an important job. Not one to be entrusted to newbies actually, but the green imp-lookalikes didn’t exactly shone by their intellect. In fact, most goblinologists – a well-respected profession – would say instituting vaguely timed guard duties already quite stretched out the limits of the species’ strategic thinking.
The large paved way Ru was tasked to keep an eye on actually started under a huge pile of rubbles, where the barbican <2> of the main gate used to stand. The road extended straight towards the woods, about fifty metres away from the walls, and then disappeared into the dense vegetation, like swallowed by a leafy behemoth.
So close to the fortress, the trees still were relatively short, but the further one got, the taller they became, ending up dwarfing the impressive Bluerose itself. Since the immemorial times when the green tribe had taken up residence in the outer castle – the inner part was filled with undead, which made messy roommates – , the Great Forest had always formed an object of fearful awe, because no goblin who had entered it ever came back.
Or at least that was what Ru heard from the old shrivelled female taking care of the newly hatched goblings. Since today, on top of being his first day as a watchman, was also his first day exiting of the tunnels full stop, he was quite inexperienced at… at life.
With the conscientiousness of a stressed out novice, Goblin Ru kept staring at the pathway, staying unmoving despite the freezing wind, and trying his best not to steal a glance at his beautiful childhood friend, Goblin Mia, stationed on the other side of the collapsed entrance.
He had felt attracted to her since their hatching, six days ago, and had ever since been trying to gather up the courage to talk to her and ask her to let him fertilize her eggs – a very poetic formulation for their kind. He had never dared take action though, both in fear of the nursery idol’s probable rejection and of the stronger adults who also had their sight set on the budding beauty.
Ru was a romantic goblin, but a bit of a coward.
Rapidly failing to keep his eyes in check, he unconsciously let his gaze drift towards the young alluring female, and was soon openly feasting on her large hips, tall one metre fifteen, healthy green skin, short protruding tusks, and smooth bald head – Please do not judge goblin aestheticism…
Goblin Ru suddenly noticed Mia too was peeking at him. He blushed, and quickly looked away to hide his cheeks, turning dark green in embarrassment, therefore missing the girl’s teasing smile.
With his eyes lowered, however, what he didn’t miss was a slight movement in the heap of rubbles. His heart skipping a few beats, he anxiously scanned through the ruined entrance, but all he saw was a rolling pebble.
Ru sighed, both in relief and in derision of his own cowardice.
Unfortunately, there was more to come, as numerous other stones, and even small boulders, started to tumble down the pile, as well as from other damaged portions of the ramparts. Soon, the whole castle was shaking and a gargling roar echoed though the thundery night, coming out of the Great Forest’s Maw with the sound of heavy stomping.
As the trampling noise got louder, a blackened silvery armour suddenly emerged from the gap, desperately running, and closely followed by a demented beast that made all of the guards, Ru and Mia included, gasp in incredulous terror.
Without slowing down in the least, otherwise at risk of being flattened, or eaten, or both, the armour – No! The “something” inside the armour, brilliantly deduced Goblin Ru – materialised an iron javelin in its right hand, and swiftly threw it at the wall. The metal pole flew straight at an unbelievable speed and violently stuck itself between two blocks, protruding horizontally at two thirds of the height of the rampart.
The flabbergasted onlookers could only stare in disbelieve when the armoured “something” then shifted away from the main road, and, as soon as “it” stepped out of the cobblestones and onto the grassy soils, a pillar of earth abruptly sprung up under its feet, propelling the running inhabited suit diagonally through the air, a miniature tornado wrapped around it. After a flip, it briefly landed on the planted shaft, and jumped again upwards.
However, before it could reach the top of the wall, the twirling winds dissipated and the unknown biped suddenly slowed down, arms flapping. Its gauntlets barely managed to catch the edge of a crenel, sending the rest of its body brutally slam headfirst against the stone rampart.
Spouting incomprehensible furious gibberish, it then hauled itself up, set foot on the rampart walk, and removed its dented helmet, revealing a fuming red face, golden sweat-soaked hair, a wounded forehead bleeding profusely, a pair of green-blue eyes filled with cold rage, and curled-up chops uncovering gritted teeth though which seeped puffs of vaporous breath.
Ru gawk at the huma. He knew the tall biped was called a “huma” thanks to the drawings the old granny goblin had showed the hatchlings, which depicted all sorts of creatures that sometimes tried to invade the castle. However, he had never actually seen one in the flesh. Nor had his parents. Nor his grandparents. Nor great-grandparents. Nor great-great-grandparents. Nor great-great-great-grandparents. Nor great-great-great-great-grandparents. Nor great-great-great-gr… Well, goblins had pretty short lifespans.
Out of breath, the man – Ru guessed it was a male, although he wasn’t sure, the drawings had been pretty sketchy – angrily muttered something the little green-skinned watchman didn’t understand:
“Tsh. Fudge. Didn’t expected to run out of mana in mid-air. Damn you Chao-”
“RAAAAAGRLELELELELERGH-BUARGH!!!!”
“You’re doing it on purpose, aren’t you?”
Not even glancing at the confused goblin beside him, Elric turned back and passed his bust in-between two merlons <3> to glare at the spawn of Anarchy about to collide with the wall right below. Curious, Ru readily imitated him, dangerously leaning over the edge because of his overly short stature.
The crash was violent, very violently so.
The shockwave it sent through the stones made the entire fortress shake like jelly on a plate. Miraculously though, the crumbling ruin held on. The careless young goblin, on the other hand, lost balance and tumbled down towards the gaping jagged jaws of the hideous insult to monsterhood. Horrified, he was already regretting not having sooner bang- made his move on Mia, but his fall was abruptly stopped.
Without much thought, the Wandering Knight had reflexively reached out and caught the little fellow by the collar of his sleeveless shirt.
A brief and awkward silence followed, during which human and goblin stared at each other. For a moment, Elric seriously considered letting go of the little monster while the choking Ru prayed the Great Ogre that the human did just the opposite. Deciding on a whim to spare the creature, the Sage of the Wild unceremoniously dropped the useless shorty on the rampart walk and then leant back over the crenel to observe the Failed Godly Experiment’s next move.
Rapidly recovering from the frightening experience – sometimes being racially retarded helped – Goblin Ru joined his saviour to look at the weird composite creature assaulting his home. Although this time, he had the presence of mind to actually bring his guarding stool and to hold himself better.
Down the wall, the Organic Patchwork appeared undamaged from the earthquake-level impact. Or maybe it was actually dying. Elric couldn’t tell. After all, the creature had looked busted from the very beginning. It had tottered backwards a few dozen metres, and was about to once more hurl itself at the rampart. Seeing this, Goblin Ru stepped back a little while Human Elric braced himself.
The Mutated Ant-Centaur then ragingly gargled while leaping/sliding/tripping forwards, and Bluerose once more shook on its foundations.
– *** –
After almost an hour of inefficient onslaughts, the absurd bio-wreck at last gave up and unsteadily staggered away, leaving the castle still mysteriously standing, despite having lost a few stones. Once the Farcical Lovecraftian Oddity disappeared into the woods, everybody gathered atop the wall finally let out a long-withheld sigh of relief.
The racket had attracted a lot of scared greenies, noted Elric, probably almost the whole tribe. The rampart walk was now quite crowded… and noisy, as all were loudly commenting what just happened, disorderly shouting in their guttural tongue without even listening to each other.
A few bodies splattered on the ground outside also attested of the racial stupidity.
The Wandering Knight rolled his eyes at the sight and let out an exasperate remark:
“Tsh. Really. Goblins…”
At the sound of his voice, the closest runts interrupted their unruly soliloquy group session and slowly turned their heads around, before speechlessly staring at Elric who mentally facepalmed.
Me and my freaking big mouth…
The silence rapidly spread, and the Reckless Imbecile was soon painfully conscious of the weight of more than two hundred pairs of eyes glaring at him, perplexed yet unfriendly. Surrounded by a multitude of unnaturally quiet goblins, even Elric was somewhat uncomfortable.
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“Haha… Go-o-od, this is awkward… Eeeeeh… Well… Haha. Scary, right? I really have nooo idea where that ugly thing came from... Anyway… It was nice meeting you all, but I shall be on my way. I hate to impose myself uninvited. I really do. And, besides, I have a princess to catch, a plane in the hoven, and a cake to rescue. Haha. Nice guarding by the way. I see some sharp… thingies here and there. Good. Very Good. Keep up the good work guys! … Oh my! That’s a magnificent… spear I guess… you have there, mister… or misses… miss? Haha… I really can’t tell you apart… Such unbecomingly lacking manners. I feel so ashamed…”
As he spoke, the Wandering Knight gradually made his way through the heavily, if heterogeneously, armed crowd, discreetly peeking at his status window to check his slowly recovering mana and health. He was already halfway down the stairs, when a goblin finally got out of his daze, raised his – her? – makeshift spear – more of a halberd really – and yelled an angry war cry.
Answering the bestial call, Halberd’s tribesmen roared and raised in turn their varied weaponry, before charging at the sighing resigned intruder.
“Why can’t we just all be friends? Friendship is magic, you know?”
Following his useless outdated reference, Elric unsheathed his broken blade, and, in the same movement, swiftly decapitated his five first assailants in a series of bloody geysers.
“♩ Hmm Hm-hm Hm-hmmm ♫ Hmm Hm-hm Hm-hmmm ♩ What is friendship all about? ♪♪ ” <4>
And the merrily singing knight started to open himself a gory path downstairs.
– *** –
Blood. Death. Carnage. Chaos. Unfitting cheerful tune.
The joints of Goblin Ru’s hand whitened as he clenched the grip of his rusted dagger, overwhelmed by fear and horror. Right before his eyes, his fellow tribesmen were being mercilessly slaughtered by a humming demon. Even the strongest veterans were toyed with and slain without even the hope of landing a single hit.
The rare goblin mages unfortunately had all been gathered on the stairs where the batt- butchery started, and the tamed mountain trolls had been forgotten in the earlier confusion, leaving no other option than a frontal assault. <5>
In the middle of the green tide, the silvery giant graciously waltzed, half of a sword nimbly flitting around him, severing limbs and slitting throats, wielded by a single hand while the other held a dented helmet that brutally shattered weapons and smashed skulls to smithereens.
Still on top of the wall, Ru’s whole body was frozen in terror at the sight of this absurd display of undefeatable power.
He couldn’t just stay there, he thought. He was an adult now. A proud warrior. How could he cower in fear when his brothers and sisters – more like cousins in fact, although inbreeding really didn’t do much good to the average IQ – were being slaughtered a few metres away from him.
A familiar voice echoed over the cacophony of battle cry and pain howls. At the sound, Goblin Ru jumped out of his petrified state, and abruptly turned in the direction of the shout. Down in the courtyard, Goblin Mia was charging at the silver slaughterer, wielding her chipped battle-axe. The beautiful female – goblin standards – was leading a small group of younglings of the same generation, commanding her troops like a short, green and bald goddess of war.
“GOBU MIA!! NAAAR!!” Ru shouted in despair, but his call was lost in the surrounding tumult.
Clenching his tusks, the young warrior rushed towards the stairs, jumping down four steps at a time. However, by the time he reached the courtyard, his brood sister’s suicide squad was already in contact with the Singing Silver Death.
Ru felt his blood boiling.
At a speed he himself never thought he could reach, he leapt forwards, and interposed his body between Mia and the bloodied blade swooping down on her.
Then, in a stroke of genius most uncharacteristic of his species, the hopeless goblin executed the only action that could still save the life of his fellow tribesmen, and his own. He abruptly knelt on the ground, lowered his head, and presented his rusted weapon to the enemy.
“GOBUK SHRNDER! PIZ SPER GOBUK!!”
And he closed his downcast eyes, expecting cold steel to send him to his ancestors any moment.
Still feeling nothing after a few breaths, the shivering goblin prudently opened his lids, and swallowed hard at the sight of the fractured blade stopped less than a centimetre away from his neck. Lifting his quivering gaze, Ru flinched as he met the bottomless pits of the giant, topped by a pair of raised eyebrows.
“You’re surrendering?” Elric asked, unconvinced.
Goblin Ru didn’t understand the question.
“Gobuk shrnder,” he nevertheless repeated.
The Wandering Knight didn’t understand the answer.
The negotiations weren’t starting well.
– *** –
The silence prolonged for several seconds, nobody in the courtyard daring to move. The intellectually limited goblins weren’t sure of what the crazy youngster was attempting to do, but since the silver butchering machine they stupidly angered had stopped his rampage, they weren’t about to complain. One tried, actually, but the goblin next to him, struck too by a fleeting moment of brilliance – a contagious disease apparently – , swiftly knocked out the reckless moron about to get them all killed.
Elric, on his side, was a bit perplexed by the situation. He was used to foes stronger than himself and undead without will, but having monsters bow to him and beg for mercy was… new. Without lowering neither his guard, nor his blade, the Wandering Knight glanced around.
About fifteen goblins were still standing, and most of them looked either like inexperienced recruits or pensioner too old to fight. In a corner of the courtyard, two extremely dangerous, but fortunately restrained, mountain trolls were pulling on their chains, exited by the smell of blood.
For intelligence’s sake! Seriously, how stupid are theses goblins…
Bringing his glare back to the small group facing him, he noticed that one of the greenies, equipped with a dented axe, constantly switched from looking at him to their kneeling kinsman. That gave the Sage of the Wild an idea.
Maybe…
Thinking he might be onto something, the he slowly shifted his weapon from Rusted Dagger to Dented Axe. The genuflected goblin instantaneously looked panicked, and stood up to once more place himself between Elric and his potential victim.
So that’s what’s going on.
Although he remained completely incapable to differentiate the bald green imps by their sex, he would have bet his bottom copper that Axe was a female and Dagger a male. There were other similar possibilities, of course, but the look in the eyes of the goblin boy made Elric recognise a male comrade in girlfriendlessness. Sighing, the Single One sheathed his sword and reach his hand out.
First startled by the sudden movement, Ru then stared puzzled at the hand, before directing upturned eyes towards the silver giant and prudently handing over his glorified kitchen knife.
Rolling his eyes, Elric pushed the weapon aside and took the hand of the goblin, who almost fainted as a result. He then pointed a finger at himself and slowly pronounced:
“My na-me is El-ric. El-ric.”
The fact didn’t even cross his mind that introducing himself to the humanoid monster, right after merrily butchering four fifths of his tribe, might have been a bit untimely. Even in serious mode, the Reckless Imbecile was still quite socially inept.
Thankfully for everyone, Goblin Ru wasn’t a Relationship Nobel Prize either. Or maybe he was just ready to go along with anything the big guy would do, as long as he didn’t start singing and killing people again. So he responded to the curious hand-grasping custom with a large smile, although a tad tensed.
“Har Huma El. Gobu Ru rik.”
Oh great… Don’t tell me “ric” actually means “my name is”… What have I done to the gods?
Ru then turned around to designate the female, who was looking at her friend with wide bewildered eyes.
“Gobu Mia ris.”
And they even have conjugation. Fascinating. But I really don’t have the time for this right now.
Elric once more pointed at himself and then at the obsidian tower.
“I ha-ve to go.”
Still smiling, Ru saluted and replied:
“Gro Huma El. Grats sper gobuk. Gobuk sri atak. Sri. Sri. Vri Sri. Huma El gret mrci. Gobu Ru nda gobuk shral mebre hur az Sliv Humhum Rmor ohf Ders de Mrcifur.”
“Eeeh… Thank you.. I guess.”
Whatever you say.
Elric let go of the goblin’s hand, and noticed his own was still covered in the guy’s family’s blood.
“Oh… Sor-”
He wasn’t sure what he was about to apologize for, but a look at the greenies’ Get-The-Fuck-Out-Of-Here stares dissuaded him to speak further.
The Humming Demon therefore turned around, leaving the two hugging lovebirds to repopulate their tribe, and walked up to the inner courtyard gate, on the way trying not to step on a few still-breathing crippled goblins that were desperately crawling away from him.
Upon reaching the door, he marked a small pose and scratch his scalp.
“The fuck just happened?”
Oh, whatever.
He pushed the rotting wooden portal.
However, as soon as it was half-open, a spear thrown from the other side impaled itself in the mossy panel two centimetres away from the knight’s nose.
After squinting at the still vibrating lethal pole, Elric peeked inside the courtyard and flashed a predatory smile, his eyes glittering with a dangerous light as he opened the gate wide and leapt in.
“Oh! It’s you guys. I was almost starting to miss you.”
And he punched the first incoming skeleton in its supraorbital foramen.
“♩ I’m a little teapot ♫ Hm Hm Hmm…”
– ***** –
<1> Gambeson:
Spoiler :
http%3a%2f%2fwww.lawranceordnance.com%2fthe_shar...mbeson.jpg [http://www.lawranceordnance.com/the_sharpened_edge/armour_european/images/gdfb_gambeson_archers/gambeson.jpg]
<2> A barbican is a fortified outpost or gateway, such as an outer defence to a city or castle, or any tower situated over a gate or bridge which was used for defensive purposes.
<3> Merlon (and crenel too…):
Spoiler :
http%3a%2f%2fcdn.itslife.in%2fwp-content%2fgallery...lement.jpg [http://cdn.itslife.in/wp-content/gallery/travel-mys-najgud-sripatna-rangtittu/travel-mysore-heritage-gun-house-battlement.jpg]
<4> It all about spreading happiness.
Spoiler :
If the video doesn’t work, click here.
<5> And this is in no way the author slacking off here.
----------------------------------------
I just fucked myself… That evil song is stuck in my head. *sob*
My being an idiot aside, I’m way too sensitive. I initially intended Ru to start the battle and be quickly beheaded by Elric, but the little fellow grew on me after he got a potential girlfriend, and… and… I didn’t want him tooooo diiiiieeeee. *SOB*
I hate killing characters… But I like deaths… Therefore I chose VR… Paradox solved. Still have to be careful with NPCs though.
Anyway… Grats red. Si hur nrest cheptr.
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