Chapter 17 – Cookies
“Friend something better than chocolate ice cream…
Maybe friend somebody you give up last cookie for.”
– Cookie Monster, Sesame Street
– ***** –
Day B-1, morning (IGT)
*SPLARSHhhweeesh*
The body of the last [Lesser Zombie] brutally splattered on the wall and squished to the floor.
In the middle of the hall, wearing an armour damaged and sullied, a surprised knight stared blankly at the torn-off head still mindlessly biting at his protected forearm. The living and the dead blinked, then the latter seemed to show hints of an awkward apologetic smile, but that was probably just Elric hallucinating.
After throwing the fleshy skull in a corner, the Wandering Knight laboriously stumbled towards the huge door leading to the next room, covering his mouth and nose with a hand to shield them from the awful stench of the place. A poor move, since his gauntlets was as soiled as the rest of… well… of everything in sight. This last fight had been a terrible mess.
As he unsteadily walked over gruesomely butchered corpses, too tired to care about what he was stepping on, the sound of cracking bones and squirting fluids echoed through the silence.
*plotch*
“Oh… great.”
Elric lowered his blurred vision and glared irritated at his halved sword, which had escaped his lose grasp and fallen into the ripped belly of a disembowelled cadaver. Sighing, he bent down to retrieve it, but was violently overcome by a sudden wave of nausea. He choked, threw up, then staggered forward and fell flat, headfirst into a horrid mixture of puke and putrid innards.
*crack*
He immediately sat back up, emerging from the ghoulish gruel, coughing foreign gore, his previous frugal meal, and mouthfuls of his own blood.
*cough* *COUGH* “Aaaarrr… FUCK!! Sweet rotten zombie Jesus! Curse you Chaos! And you ‘Elder’, next time I see you, I slit your throat, rip out your oesophagus and make myself a scarf out of it! Then I’ll heal you and pluck your eyes out, cut your tong and *cough* aaaaaarrrrgh *cough* and slowly *cough* very slowly break every bone in your crooked body. *cough* Then I’ll heal your, and roast you over a fire with barbed iron stakes shoved up your ass. *cough* *cough* *wheeze* *COUGH* Then… I’ll heal you, *wheeze* cut out your shrivelled balls, stuff them in your mouth, *cough* and sew your lips and then take my time to sever each and every of your limbs. Then I’ll heal you and…”
Gasping and muttering a grisly litany in a weak exhausted voice, Elric roughly wiped his face, and then stayed immobile, a disgusting taste in mouth, his gaze unfocused, waiting for the room to stop spinning.
When he finally decided he could stand up and walk, he went to pick up his weapon, and got back to tottering towards the entrance of the next room. In his current state, resting would have been more than advisable. Unfortunately, the window informing him that the air here was poisonous sort of denied him that course of action. He had used some detoxification magic, of course, otherwise he would be long dead, but now that the duration of the pill was over, he had to be careful and spare his precious recovered mana for the fated boss battle.
That is… If he ever managed to get to the last room of that mazy dungeon.
Therefore, all he could do was pray Chaos – a god he hesitated to hate but who at least had proven to be listening – that the monsters in the next chamber would be understanding and let him take a short nap before trying to hit / pierce / crush / curse / possess / slash / eviscerate / stab / dissolve / claw / trample / gut / devour him.
“Haha… right. Not happening.” Elric’s sounded gloomy and strung out. “For Chaos’ sake, who asked this fortress to be so fucking vast?”
– *** –
The past thirty hours had been difficult.
Even before reaching the accursed Bluerose Castle, crossing the valley of Nowhere, three days of near perpetual life and death struggle without sleep, had already dented his endurance. His fight with the goblins had mostly been fuelled by the adrenaline from being chased by Chaos’ dejected offspring. Moreover, back then, instead of taking a break and despite the weaklings’ unexpected surrendering, he had thought it was best to leave before the greenies remembered the two ferocious trolls at their disposal.
After that and the few first [Skeleton Lancer], [Skeleton Swordsman] and other [Skeleton Mage], a moment of carelessness had casted him down into the tunnels, and he spent the rest of the day fighting his way out of an underground labyrinth filled with traps and various underfed undead.
To make matters worse, his four days of boost had brutally reached their end, hitting him hard with excruciating side effects. Common stimulants would simply add a fixed value temporarily to some stats. As such, low level potions would rapidly become useless for higher level users, who would then search for more powerful items. Elric’s secret pills, however, actually multiplied by four both the mana and health recovery, regardless of the base level of the one consuming it. Such overpowered drug, besides being awfully complex to prepare, couldn’t be devoid of dangerous drawbacks. The first time the Reckless Imbecile had used the [Four Heavens Pill], he actually died from heart failure the moment the effects had receded.
Now he somehow had grown partially immune to it, but still felt like his blood vessels were filled with liquid fire flowing backwards, scorching his organs and melting his brain. Calling it unpleasant was quite the understatement and he only resorted to the pill when he was determined to succeed whatever it took. As for ingesting several pills over a short period of time, even he thought of it as the self-destructive madness of a deranged masochist – which he wasn’t.
His pitiable state was partially his fault in fact. The [Four Heavens Pill] took some time to show effect, so ingesting it during a fight would be completely useless, except if said fight drew out for nearly an hour. Therefore, without any foreknowledge of what to expect from Nowhere, he had immediately swallowed the drug, hoping an efficient combination of spells, sustained by his heightened mana regeneration, would grant him the stealth and speed necessary to rapidly reach the princess’ tower.
However, in the end, he had underestimated the difficulty, and had been caught by the side effects in a dangerous situation.
Narrowly escaping the acid breath of a [Corrosive Decaying Salamander], he had collapsed in the stagnant waters of an abandoned sewer, and stayed there unable to move for more than an hour before his body had stopped uncontrollably shaking and the pain finally became bearable.
Miraculously, no foe bigger than a [Common Leech] – albeit a few hundreds of it – had found him in his improvised hiding place. In doubt, he had addressed fast thanks to the God of Chaos for granting him the [Luck] stat, which might or might not have helped.
– *** –
The ancient wooden panel creaked open on its rusted hinges, slowly revealing a long corridor shrouded in darkness, its distant end indiscernible in the thick shadows. Wary of surprise attacks and traps, the staggering knight stepped inside, keeping up the best guard he could and carefully surveying his blurry surroundings in the feeble light of his [Lantern of the Selfish One].
*woosh*
However, as soon the Elric left the corpse-filled room, a pair of torches suddenly lit up, one on each side, their ghastly green flames struggling against the obscurity. The phenomenon rapidly progressed along the walls, filling the hallway with an eerie dim glow. Then the gate closed behind him with a loud slam.
*sigh*
Oh, please… Why so cliché? Stop toying with me, Blueweed Cripple, I’ve spent my patience for your shit, he thought while taking a better look around.
The walls and ceiling were of the same dark grey stone Elric had seen throughout the keep. Red and blue tiles covered the floor, composing an intricate but trashed mosaic. Although Elric could guess what it was supposed to represent. The signature cobalt flower to a backdrop of ruby blood was everywhere in the castle. At regular interval, tattered tapestries, weaved of forgotten feats, and rotten portraits depicting long dead royals hang loosely in-between shattered statues of unrecognisable past heroes.
At the extremity of this sad disgraced hall of fame, two dreadful armours stood immobile, seemingly guarding a huge black metal gate. One was bulky, crude and oppressive, a weighty morning-star resting on its shoulder, the other comparatively shorter – although still as tall as Elric – and exuding a cold aura of power and sharpness, while a grim-looking sword was strapped to its waist. To make matters worse, both armours were headless and held their helmeted livid visages under their left arm.
[Dullahan]. Two of them. And they look high level at that. Crap... I'm in no condition for this.
The exhausted Knowledgeable briefly entertained the idea of just sitting there and resting for a while, but he greatly doubted the two higher undead would nicely let him be. At least not after the unoriginal light show that had indiscreetly announced his arrival.
Kind enough to confirm Elric's supposition, the bigger [Dullahan] let out a menacing wail, and started to heavily walk towards the knight, scattering small flat coloured stones with each step and aggressively swinging its spiked mace around, incidentally reducing a neighbouring bust to rubbles.
Elric didn't want to be cornered against the locked – he checked – door, so he gathered all the strength he had left, and leapt forward, blade raised, to engage the undead bulldozer. He knew his chances of fending off a joint attack by the two monsters were slim at best, however he also thought he could still somehow manage in one on one. But for this, he had to take down the first quickly, without leaving time for the second to join the fray.
However, before he could reach the slow-paced creature, or even decide if he could spare some mana, a gust of wind rushed past the giant undead, along with a metallic hiss and a greenish flash. Stopping his charge, Elric hastily blocked the sonic slash, and felt his whole abused body protest when the two swords collided in a burst of spark.
Then he lost contact with the ground.
His eyes widened as the slimmer [Dullahan] suddenly materialized in front of him. A blink before, the demon had been standing by the door, showing no intention of moving.
*BAM*
Elric’s back crashed into the wall and all the air fled his lungs. Mirroring the [Lesser Zombie] he defeated moments before – Oh, the Irony – he slid to the ground where he stayed unmoving, unable to catch his breath.
Damn. This one's far stronger than I thought. FUCK! Just because I mistimed this freaking dungeon, I'm going to get axed off by a freaking humanoid armoured headless chicken! And I even promised Dorothy I'd be fine. Big Brother must always keep his promises! I can't die now, I'm almost there. If anything, that big ass scary door is the entrance to the fucking boss room. I can't fall to a pair of Irish folktales. I'd prefer go back and let that green shorty Ru slit my throat! Damn. CURSE YOU CHAOS!! Where’s Your sorry godly all-stalking ass when mine's on the line?! UH?!?! Damn. Damn. FUCK!!
*crack*
As all these thoughts flashed in Elric's despaired mind, the undead swordsman calmly walked up to him, lifted the breathless knight's chin with the tip of its sword, and raised its detached fleshy skull at the level of its defeated opponent's eyes.
Then, the head spoke:
“Hohohoho! Not bad, kid. Taking my strike head on like th’head. You’re good, I'll give you th’head. Oh. Sorry about the wall thing. Hohohoho! Really. I want’head to ghead some exercise, but it's been such a long time since I fought head’nyone other than Tazius… and th’head big empty-headed idiot is rather tough. Hohohoho! Head even worse at controlling his strength than me. He's a bit of a meathead, you see. Hohohoho! If I headn't stopped you, he would head’ve shortened you by a few heads by now. Hohohoho! But, you know, you really don't want to head inside th’head tower, trust me. Hohohoho! Why not calmly sit down head talk about it? Head to head. Hohohoho! Oh! The name's Headison by the way.”
*crack*
Elric blinked at the cranium.
“Uh?”
Head... ison?! God...
“Chaos, what have you done?” Elric wispered.
Chaos the Defendant: Please refer to my lawyer…
Maître Random: My client is INNOCENT!
“...”
OBJECTION!!!
– *** –
“Here. Have some.”
“Oh. Thank you very much. Hohohoho!”
“Grrrrr-”
“Quiet Tazius.”
As he passed a jar full of handmade cookies – baked with Dorothy... sombre memoirs – to the smiling [Dullahan “Headison”], Elric was making a complicated face. On the side, the one apparently named [Dullahan “Tazius”] was just kinda growling, babbling and drooling.
The Reckless Imbecile wasn't too sure what to make of the situation. Half of his mind lent towards thinking all of this was some kind of candid camera set up by the God of Chaos – Am I some kind of reality show in the gods’ realm? – while the other half was starting to resign itself to constantly bump into weirdos.
In all honesty, much of the stuff Nicolas had done throughout his gaming life had been messed up one way one another. But still… Having a cookie party with a pair of headless zombies in armours was a first. He wasn’t too sure how to rate Headison and Tazius, the comedic [Dullahan] duo, on his Scale of Odd. Probably somewhere between Josiane – he named her that – the acrophobic [Harpy] and the [Squinting Earthworm of Doom “Philibert”]…
The fuck is going on with my life?
Unaware of his interlocutor's deep inner consternation, Headison continued to soliloquise:
“....and th’head's when I discov’head zombies weren't actually rotting, *crunch* but th’head their flesh was gradually being broken down by the very magic th’head rhead’sed them. *crunch* Hohohoho! So silly. *crunch* Like th’head time when th’head sluttish [Haunt’head Decayed Bust] was giving hea-”
“Sorry to interrupt you, Ed- Headison, but I’d like to ask you something. Is that alright?”
And I reeeeaaally don't want any more detail about your sex partners. I’m already not feeling all that well. I don’t think my stomach can endure another round of your necrophilic exploits.
“Please ask, my friend. *crunch* Hohohoho! If I can head’lp you with some- *crunch* something th’head bothers you, I'll do my bheadst. *crunch* After all, two heads are better than one! AH! But I can’t tell you about the secr’heads of Bluerose. *crunch* I’ve a job head a r’headputation to maintain after all. Hohohoho! Aside from th’head, answering you isn't a bother at all. *crunch* I like talking.”
Yeah... I noticed.
Elric kept himself from rolling his eyes in irritation, and made a umpteenth attempt to redirect the “conversation” towards the subject that concerned him.
“Then… what did you mean by I ‘really don’t want to head inside that tower’?”
“Oh. Th’head? Right. Hohohoho! Well, *crunch* it’s nothing to bother you head about. Just th’head nobody ever got out of there alive.”
Indeed… nothing important at all…
“…not out, nor much in for th’head matter. Hohohoho! I’m quite good with the sword after all, especially with decapitations. *crunch* Even for you, def’headting me is something you’d better ghead out of your head kiddo. Hohohoho!”
“So you really can’t let me through?”
“No. *crunch* I can’t. Hohohoho! I told you alr’heady. *crunch* Or did you alr’heady forgot? Hohohoho! What’s in that head of yours? *crunch* Hohohoho! I’m the head guard here, and my job here with Tazius is to head’nsure nobody ghead through th’head door.” He patted the huge black metal gate. *crunch* “Don’t you ghead what would happen if the head guard were to negl’head his job?! Hohohoho! I’ll tell you. *crunch* ANARCHY!! Head’vryone would start doing head’nything th’head crosses their heads, *crunch* nobody would be head’ble to make head nor tail of head’nything head’nymore, head all semblance of organization would crumble! Hohohoho! *crunch* It would be like jumping headfirst into troubles!”
Yeah… Because the current Bluerose Castle is such a model of order and coordination…
“Although, *crunch* as long as you don’t try to head into the guardian’s room, *crunch* I don’t really care what you do head’nywhere else in the castle. Hohohoho!”
Such a zealous head guard… Weren’t you just talking about responsibility and management an instant ago? Thanks for the info though.
He eyed the big ass door.
Guardian’s room, mmmh? Wonder what the fellow looks like… Well, I’ll know soon anyway.
Unconcerned by Elric’s silence, Headison continued:
“Beside, *crunch* like I s’head *crunch* … Can I have another cookie?”
Elric readily opened him the jar.
“Please do. You were s’hea… saying?”
“Hohohoho! Thank you. *crunch* Yes, like I s’head, you don-”
“Grrrrrr!”
“Tazius! Behead’ve yourself in front of our head’stimated gu’headst.”
“Please stop that…”
“Stop what?”
*sigh* “Nothi-”
“GRRRABABRUK!! T’zius ‘ant kikiii!”
“Right… Here. Have one Big Guy.”
“KIKIIIII!!! Nom nom nom nom nom…”
“…”
Did he just say that out loud? I’m speechl’headss… Damn! That thing is contagious.
*crack*
The Reckless Imbecile’s natural folly was starting to awaken under the tidal waves of absurdity that tirelessly struck him. However, by regularly reminding himself of the promise he made to Dorothy, Elric managed to keep his tired mind relatively clear while the world around him seemed to go crazier by the minute. Right now, he couldn’t afford to lose focus. He had been overly lucky twice already, and his current grim self wasn’t about to let luck – nor [Luck] – decide again of his success or failure.
The pair of atypical [Dullahan] were certainly too strong for him to take head on – no pun intended, this is serious. Except if he went all out, which would leave him unable to face the boss that Headison had confirmed to be in the next room. Also, counting on a time to rest between the comedic duo and the unknown “guardian” was a chance to hazardous to take.
That didn’t mean the Wandering Knight was giving up. In fact, his plan had already been set into motion the moment he had confirmed he couldn’t talk his way through the undead gatekeepers.
“Hohohoho! Those are really good. *crunch* It’s been head’ges since *crunch* the last time I head some sweets. Hohohoho! *crunch* Although we don’t really need food, *crunch* but th’head doesn’t mean *crunch* we can’t enjoy head’ting. Right? Hohohoho! And th’head little piquant aftert’headste… Mmmmmh. Head’xquisite. Hohohoho!”
“That’s the personal touch of the bakers,” Elric commented with a mysterious smirk.
“Galbradabu *nomnom* dadupadergrrrrrabteltrsh *BURP* Kiiikkii grroood.”
“Glad you like them, Big Guy.”
Undead love cookies. Who knew? Well, as the saying goes, “Come to the Dark Side…” Right?
Elric innocently smiled as the two partners stuffed themselves with his homemade pastries, which were rapidly disappearing inside the mouths of their severed heads.
Wait…
“Eeeeh… Headison?”
“Yes?”
“I don’t want to sound discourteous, but, need to or not aside, how are you even eating?”
“What are you talking ab- Oh! Hohohoho! Of course. I g’head what ups’heads you.”
First and furthermost, your speech pattern. At the very least make some more elaborated puns… On second thought, please don’t.
“You see… *crunch* The two parts of our necks are in fact linked by some kind of dimensional magic.”
The Knowledgeable raised an eyebrow at the answer.
“Why would that be?”
He was genuinely intrigued.
Headison shrugged, and replied:
“Hohohoho! I head’ve no idea. *crunch* I’m no necromancer. *crunch* But how could we control our bodies otherwise?”
“Makesh shensh.” Elric commented as he himself distractedly nibbled on a little flat cake. He swallowed, then added: “While I’m at it, I thought liches were the only undead capable of constructed speech. But obviously I was wrong. How is that?”
If you discover this narrative on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the violation.
The armoured corpse was surprised by the question, and started to scratch his chin in wonder. The act was pretty odd-looking, since the severed head laid on the ground besides its owner, but the Sage of the Wild made no comment to avoid once more derailing the discussion.
Eventually, Headison seemed to reach a conclusion.
“Well, if I hazard’head a guess… *crunch* I would say it isn’t limit’head to liches, but… since those are often former humans, or mages from any sentient rhead’ce really, th’head turned into undying skel’head’tons of their own will, *crunch* it would make sense they found a way to retain all their head. Hohohoho! Nobody would want to be an immortal retard. Hohohoho! *crunch* As for me… well, I suppose it’s because I was r’headsed from a strong soul and am very ancient. After all, my old’headst cohead’rent memory d’heades back a millennium or two. Hohohoho! Difficult to be precise while stuck in this ever-dark plhead’ce… Well, I say th’head, but it isn’t true for all undhead though…”
Both of them turned their gaze towards Tazius, who was liking the fingers of his gauntlets and spouting baby talk.
“Yeah… Although he’s not like most undead I met. He seems rather… incomplete?”
“Head’xactly… But that’s bec- Oh! Hohoho! Can’t tell you th’head. Sorry… By the way, can I?”
“Be my guest.”
“Thank you very much. *crunch* ”
As he took back the half-empty cookie container, a thought struck the Wandering Knight.
“A millennium or two? So you you’ve got nothing to do with the Great Demise? And has nobody succeeded in defeating you in all that time?”
Pouting God: See… Told you that wasn’t my fault… Why do people always think I’m responsible for everything unusual? That’s so not fair… Meany.
How old are YOU?!
Rolling his eyes, Elric turned his attention back to Headison. Again, his interest was real. Information concerning the state of the Erwynian Kingdom might not be in direct relation with his current quest, but all data was good to take. And he hadn’t anything better to do right now.
“I’ve no knowl’headdge of th’head ‘Gr’head Demise’ you speak of. Although it is true th’head I head’ven’t show my head outside in quite some time. Hohohoho! *crunch* Head people came alright. They were quite numerous at a time. Hohohoho! Tazius and I head our sh’headre of def’headt. It was thirty-four to forty-two in my favour I recall corr’headctly.”
“Grrr… Elvs no count.”
“Yes it does. It’s your fault for always charging ahead like an empty-headed gorilla.”
“Bapudabubadbadu!!”
“Well, you should head’ve known that they head a cleric with them.”
“KretabrbrbrbrrrrbadpuligrrrPWUAH!!”
“You know very well th’head I don’t!”
“Bobostingyarrowsabravuda… Headson’sooooperfectdgrrridabobobro….”
Picking up his pouting head, Tazius stood up, walked away, and crouched in a corner, from where the two others could still perfectly perceive his raging gibberish.
“…”
“…”
“He took the cookies.”
“Hoho… ho… yes… he did… Well, th’head was pretty mean of me… He isn’t head’tirely to bl’headme for th’head time… Head’nyway… Back to your qu’headstion… Know th’head, even in def’headt, I never remain down for too long, and rapidly rhead’se again.”
“Most undead do.”
“Yes. Hohohoho! We’re quite headstrong, if I may say.”
Respawn, uh? Well, obviously. In spite of having a few loose screw, he’s still a named mini-boss.
“Ah. Good to hear. I was intrigued, you see, for the surrounding Kingdom of Erwyn has for three centuries already been plagues by hordes of rampaging undead.”
“Is th’head so? Hohohoho! I actually thought things were rather qui’head recently. So th’head’s why… Th’head’s quite a sh’headme. From the few outsiders I m’head over the years… well the few th’head accept’head to listen to me… I head gath’headrd that Erwyn was a pr’headtty charming land to live in.”
“Quite a shame indeed. I have travelled a good deal in the country, and it is all but ruined. [Lesser Ghoul], [Slasher Spectre], [Wailing Mother]… The place really is a paradise for undead.”
“That may be true, but I’m not particularly proud of the aesthetic tastes of my kind.”
He did look annoyed and lost in thoughts. Elric didn’t miss this instant of carelessness.
As if a thought had just crossed his mind, he let his fist fall in his other open palm, and exclaimed:
“Right! If you aren’t linked with the grand curse, that means the Immortal Princess isn’t some lich necromancer of sorts, is she?”
Staring at the green ghostly flames of a torch – well, holding his head in that direction at least – the [Dullahan] distractedly replied:
“Of course she is. Did you think the castle cursed itself all alone? Although I don’t believe she’s much of a necromancer… Most of the und’head around here are sloppily r’headsed. Look at poor Tazuius. But what do I know? I’m stuck here head’nyway. Head she never leaves that tower of hers… On the other head, bheadsed on what those people s’head, she’s not a lich per say. She’s more of a v- Ho!”
Abruptly interrupting his absent-minded mumbling, Headison pivoted his helmet to glare at the Wandering Knight, who returned him a look as innocent as the one of a cute puppy… Well… a cute puppy covered in dried gore and with bits of intestines in the hairs, but innocent nevertheless – What do you mean a corpse? Oh! That corpse. Haha. Not mine. What bloody knife? Oooh! THAT knife. Hehehe… I really have no idea how that got in my hand… Haha… Could you please turn around for a second?
“Ho! Kid! I thought I told you not to ask ab-”
“Headison. Do you know the story of the two helmets?”
“…No?”
“Well, one said to the other: ‘Just wait here for a bit longer, I’ll go on a head.”
“HOHOHOHO! Nice one. Nice one. Hohoho! Head do you know the one about the ha-”
“Sorry, but I’m really tired right now, and it’s going to be tough to fight my way back outside, so I’m going to take a nap over there. It was nice talking to you. I’ll be sure to say goodbye before leaving.”
Elric got up and started to walk away.
“… Wait! What do you mean?”
Turning back, Elric shrugged, like the undead was asking something obvious.
“Well… You won’t let me go further. I can’t beat you. We’re quite at an impasse here. And those cookies were the last bit of food I had left. I’m not like you. I actually need to eat, so I can’t stay here much longer. I don’t have endless stamina either, and it’s been days since I last slept. I’m sort of at my limit. So I’ll sleep for a while and then head out.”
“Oh… Alright then.” Headison looked quite dejected to so soon lose his first new chat-buddy in centuries. “Well. Be sure to come back when you’re stronger. We can head’ve a decent fight then, or sh’headre some more cookies. Or both.”
“Right, I’ll do th’head… that. Good night.”
“Hohohoho! I don’t sleep…”
“Hahaha. Right.”
As he turned away from the friendly [Dullahan], Elric’s bright grin left his face, replaced by a faint cynical leer.
“♩ Hm Hm Hm-hmm Hmm ♫ Hm-Hm Hm-hm Hm…”
Humming Chopin’s funeral march <1> to match the cliché ambiance of the place, the Wandering Knight slowly walked up to the entrance of the corridor, laid down, and closed his eyes.
“♩ Hm Hm Hm-hmm Hmm ♫ Hm-Hm Hm-hm Hm…”
And logged out.
– ▲▲▲ –
You have logged out.
Linked Time [28:47:22]
Nicolas stepped out of his W-chair, and glanced at the glowing moon up the wall.
“Almost eleven already… Well, I thought as much. I’ll have to pull an all-nighter. A day in-game should be enough to wrap this up…. Five… No, let’s say eight… Which is thirty-two… It should work… Well, I can’t really skip school tomorrow. Not showing up of the first day of the semester doesn’t look good after all… Oh. I’ll decide tomorrow. I always change my mind at the last minute anyway.”
*yawn*
Without lighting up the apartment, he languishingly stretched and he went to grab some snacks in fridge. After eating, he took a quick shower, then distractedly browsed the forums, slowly emptying a bottle of water, while his eyes constantly came back to the clock.
When the minute hand reached six, he closed his computer and stood up from the couch.
“About three hours. Should have been enough.”
He sat back into his gaming device, lowered the back, pulled the headgear down, and smirked bitterly.
“♩ Hm Hm Hm-hmm ♫ Hmm Hm-Hm Hm-hmm Hm… Untold Tales. Log In.”
– ▼▼▼ –
The metallic smell and taste of blood. The acid ones of vomit. Hard floor. Stiffness. Cold. Pain.
“It’s always such a pleasure to be back.”
After taking a few seconds to recover from the abrupt shift, from after-bath freshness to tortured body and slaughterhouse stench, Elric rose from the destroyed mosaic, stretched his aching body and finally turned around to look at the collapsed headless armours behind him.
”Who can take a sunrise, sprinkle it with dew, ♩
Cover it with choc'late ♫ and a miracle or two,
♪ The Candy Man,
Oh the Candy Man can. ♫” <2>
Oh. That’s quite old isn’t it?
Lightly singing, the Suspicious Candyman skipped his way to Headison’s helmet that had rolled facedown a few metres away from his lifeless body, and picked it up.
“Oh? You dead?”
*cough*
“…Very funny kid. Hoho- *wheeze**COUGH* Heuargh!”
The severed head shook violently as it coughed up some black smoky ooze. When the painful-looking retching fit came to an end, Headison glared scornfully at Elric.
“What head’ve you done to us?!”
“Who knows? Maybe you’re allergic to cookies?”
“Like th’head could be the c’headse!”
“Or you ate to fast?”
“Stop mocking me!”
“Food poisoning is pretty common, you know?”
“DON’T THINK I CAN’T TRASH YOU JUST BEC-*COUGH* *COUGH* Haaaaaarshhhh…”
More muddy darkness leaked from the undead’s mouth, now also tearing out of his eyes, while its remaining skin looked like it was decaying at an accelerated rate, whole parts of it shedding away and revealing underneath twitching and swirling shadows with sparks of burning light snaking in.
“Oh, I’m pretty sure you can’t. You should just have let me pass through.”
“… Why are you so d’head s’head on running to your doom?”
“I promised.”
“A woman?”
“Almost. My little sister. Not by blood though.”
“Family uh… Can’t say I understand. Well, a *cough* a knight should always keep his promises. *wheeze*”
“I intend to.”
“Good. I admit def’headt then. Hoho*cough* No laughing… Hem… As the ghead’keeper of the Blood Princess’ tower, *wheeze* I grant you access to the ro- aaarrrh to the room of the Guardian to f’headce your last challenge!”
Blood Pincess… It only gets better and better doesn’t it?
“So, what now? Do you give me some spell to open the door? Or is it a runic lock? Some old Soul Magic perhaps?”
“No, the key is in a pouch on my belt.” His blurring eyes rolled to point at his collapsed body. “Over there.”
“…”
“Well… We can’t be grandiose all the time.”
“I guess not…”
“Kid. I’d like you to grant me two final requ’headsts.”
“Two? You’re pretty demanding. And what’s with the ‘final’? It’s not li-“
“I’M AGONISING DAMM’HEAD!!”
“Alright, alright. But I promise nothing. What is it?”
“How did you do it? I saw you head’ting those cookies… Damn. Def’headted by pastries. My honour will never recover. And, besides, und’head can’t be poisoned!”
“Ever heard of ARS?”
“I beg your pardon?”
“Acute Radiation Syndrome, also known as radiation poisoning. It’s a disease from my world. It’s pretty vicious. When exposed to too much radioactivity, the DNA can be damage and the body starts to break down at a cellular level, a bit like an accelerated form of… Well, I’ll spare you the scientific gibberish. Let’s just say it eats and melts you from the inside, but it’s your own warped body that kills you, so you can’t do much about it. Haha. Isn’t it great?”
*crack*
“Of course, finding something like polonium around here is pretty difficult. Trust me, I’ve tried. But I discovered something fun while experimenting on some undead a few months ago. You see, I had those candies I usually give to kids. Special candies, coated in a low level healing spell and some Sun magic. Once ingested, the implanted sunlight radiates the cure from the inside of the body. I call it [Healthy Candy]! Nothing miraculous, but it can keep common cold away, and the likes. Even I use them quite often. A runny nose during a fight is really uncomfortable… on top of being majorly uncool. Oh! But you can’t understand that… Hahahaha.”
*crack*
Headison looked flabbergasted as the blood covered young man progressed through his exited explanation, rapidly slipping into a sadistic sciency delirium, a wild childish grin plastered on his face, and sparkles of madness emerging from the dark whirlpools of his eyes.
“But what’s truly fascinating, is the devastating effect it has on Darkness-affiliated beings! It break them down at their very core, ruptures the magical bindings that hold them together, tortures them, messes up their biology and ravages their mind! Hahaha! And much faster that true ARS would ever kill someone! Haha! And the best of it, the very magnificence of the stuff, it’s that the magic is so feeble it’s practically impossible to detect!! HA! … Of course, getting the dark creature to eat enough of it is the tricky part, but once it’s done, all you have to do is to chill out and watch as they slowly agonize, unable to understand what’s happening to them.”
*crack* *crack*
“Hahahaha! In fact, when they notice something is wrong, IT’S ALREADY TO LATE!! HahaHaaaaa. I really had difficulties holding my laughter when you told me I couldn’t beat you while you were stuffing yourself with my [Healthy Cookie]! Pffffft HAHAHAHAHAHA! Ooooh… That was priceless! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…”
“…”
After a good minute of uncontrollable laughter, the knightly mad scientist finally calmed down.
“… Hahaha… haaa…. ha. No good. No good. I’m not done yet. Focus Elric. Focus. Think Dorothy. Riiight. It’s not the right time to lose it. Pffffiou… So… Sorry about that… Did you say something about a second ‘dying’ wish?”
“…”
“Oh? Headison?”
“…”
“Headdy?”
“…”
“…oh.”
– *** –
“Who can take a rainbow, wrap it in a sigh, ♩
Soak it in the sun ♫ and make a groovy lemon pie
♪ The Candy Man,
Oh the Candy Man can. ♫”
Juggling with Headison’s lifeless skull, the Wandering Knight made his way to the [Dullahan]’s body, then picked up the key, and walked up to the door, not forgetting to check that Tazius too had kicked the “buck’head”. He had. In fact, the big idiot had even managed to stick his severed head in the empty jar.
“…”
*click*
Contrary to all the other doors, the black metal gate actually turned on its hinges without a sound, silently opening on a vast obscure room filled with colonnades.
As he was contemplating the awaiting darkness, Elric noticed he was still holding Mr. Oozy Head, and unceremoniously threw it over its shoulder.
*clonk* *rollrollroll*
“Now. Let’s go say ‘Hi!’ to this ‘Blood Princess’! Come with the best you got, Guardian. Big Bro Elric is in the place!”
And he stepped into the room.
“Hmm-hm ♫ The Candy Man can 'cause ♫ he mixes it with love ♪ and makes the world taste good. ♩”
– ***** –
<1> Here it is (for those who don’t know this little masterpiece):
Spoiler :
<2> From “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” (1971), lovely classic.
Spoiler :
I wonder if he made the kids pay, or just sent the note to their parents. The funny thing is that, later, he refuses to sell candies to Charlie, because he doesn’t have money… Hypocritical asshole.
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I maintain that the Oompa Loompas are the original Minions…
On a side side note, do you think people are generally bothered by gender bender? It doesn’t have anything to do with this chapter. Just a random thought. I personally love it. Not that much in the perverted sense – although I don’t spit on it – but more like the secret identity kind of thing you find in Pretty Face, Nicoichi, Saver, Basara, Ouran Koukou Host Bu (Ouran High School Host Club), 1/2 Prince, Ame Nochi Are, Tripeace (although that manga fell flat on its face…), Nononono, W Juliet, AKB49, Boku Girl, Tetsuwan Birdy Decode, Mayo Chiki!, I My Me! Strawberry Eggs, Fudanshism (Please, someone pick up the translation of that crappy manga! I love it.), Tokyo Crazy Paradise, Otome wa Boku ni Koishiteru, Maze☆Bakunetsu Jikuu (aka. Maze the Megaburst Space), Kuragehime (Princess Jellyfish), as well as Alice Tale, Only Sense Online, and Daybreak on Hyperion… Well, we could also add Tenshi na Konamaiki (Cheeky Angel), Kashimashi: Girl Meets Girl and Maria†Holic to the mix, but those are a little different. (And I’m not sure I liked Kämpfer.) Why was I talking about again? Ah, right… Anyway, I was just wondering.
Thanks for reading, and stay tuned for scenes of our nex- in fact no… I’ll have to write the thing first… Well, see you.
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