Other Tales:

The Scariest One

“ Binkusu no sake wo, todoke ni yuku yo

Umikaze kimakase namimakase

Shio no mukou de, yuuhi mo sawagu

Sora nya wa wo kaku, tori no uta”

– Bink’s Sake, One Piece.

– FLASHBACK –

Tavern.

What a wondrous word. What a wondrous place. Curious isn’t is it, how so many epic quests started in taverns? With a bunch of misfits gathered in around a sticky table, drinking low quality ale in unclean mugs, without a copper, neither a goal… who, without even knowing each other, suddenly decide to go fight a dragon together for no reason, or to declare war to the Confectioner-Wizards Brotherhood, or to go explore a random dungeon no-one-ever-got-out-of – nor probably entered, most likely – or even to retrieve some suspicious artefact from a dark unknown vegan lich mushroom platypus vampire under commission of a sleazy hooded man who is in fact an undercover prince from a fallen nation two continents away from there and who just happened to be inside that precise bar at that precise moment and specifically desiring the help of absolute noobs instead of seasoned professionals, all by pure absolute freaking coincidence... Well, it happens…

However, taverns are also known as a places were all sorts of tales can be heard and shared…

It was Inside a typical noisy, crowded, smelly, dirt… well in a tavern… that a small audience had gathered around a particular table, where sat a noisy drunken dwarf and a quiet golden-haired tall human, seemingly a tad bothered by the crowd. However, said crowd paid no attention to the human, whose clothes clearly designated as an under-stuffed newbie. And the young man clearly didn’t ask any better than to be ignored.

No. All eyes were fixed on the dwarf. After all, it wasn’t every day that one had the opportunity to meet with one of the famous Deep Explorers! Even when the latter was Lautrek Pickaxo, said Heaven’s Brush, who, amongst the Wild Trekkers, was the most often to be seen inside the Tame Zone. In presence of such a celebrity, who’d care about some beginner the great man… dwarf… had decided to drag along on a whim?

– *** –

A loud deep voice raised over the prevailing cacophony.

“The strongest Deep Exp’?! HARHARHARHAR!!”

Spluttering all over his irritated friend sitting opposite him, Lautrek slammed down his seventeenth empty beer mug and exploded in a drunken laugh. Across the table, Elric slowly wiped his face with open disgust, before pinching the bridge of his nose and letting out a consternated sigh at a spectacle he was now used to.

Strangely, in real life, Aapeli made a point to always stay away from alcohol, drugs, tobacco… anything, in fact, which could have even the slightest harmful effect to his health. He always said that their body was, after all, the only thing a human being truly possessed. Nicolas didn’t really share the opinion, but he had long ago learnt there were some topics on which he had better not openly disagree with the passionate photographer.

In Untold Tales, however, free from his worldly constraints, all it took was to enter a town, and the dwarf painter immediately disappeared inside the closest tankard, visibly attempting to drink himself to death – a “feat” he actually managed to achieve, twice. The “Call of the Tavern”, he claimed. A racial thing, supposedly.

Much bullcrap was spoken that day…

That evening, as usual, it had taken less than half an hour for him to floor the local Drinking-Game Champion, after which he hadn’t stopped for the cause. Now, a small audience had gathered around their table, pressing the renowned player with questions, while completely ignoring the incognito Wandering Knight. Of course, for Elric, the less he was noticed, the better. He was fully content with simply observing the surrounding people as per his habit, and quietly sipping his apple juice. Not that he had, like his friend, some life principle about it. He just never liked the taste of most spirits, and just adding alcohol in other drinks for the sake of adding alcohol had forever struck him as utterly absurd.

After an hour of random topics, a young – although one never really knew with halflings – adventurer had asked the question that sparked Lautrek’s noisy spraying laughter. Eventually, the sozzled painter calmed himself down, and started stroking his soiled furnished beard, seemingly seriously considering the question.

“Well *burps* …Sorry. Well, it’s not like it’s such a secret… Hey! Right, Alphonse?!”

Elric raised an eyebrow at the call of his fake “public” name, and frowned at the dwarf, silently pleading his friend to leave him “the fuck” out of this. Thankfully, very little people knew his face, and he barely received a handful of uncaring glances, before all focused back on the star in the room, who was continuing after his rhetorical question.

“So… the strongest? HARHARHAR! Well, Nyarla-tan of course! HA! Whatever that perfumed P-Prince kid in Dragonheart Flower pretends, the MagiChaos Girl *hips* she IS the one true highest level Player in the whooooooole game. HARHARHARHARHARRrgh *burps*”

And he widely opened his arms to emphasize his words, probably trying to figuratively encompass the entire world, but only succeeding in spilling out the full content of his eighteenth mug on a poor female archer, who in turn made a hilariously shocked face, or at least hilarious from Elric’s point of view. He was incidentally hesitating between dragging his friend out, before the smashed dwarf could shame himself even more, and rolling on the ground laughing at the sight of the flabbergasted soaked girl. For the sake of his own tranquillity, the Sage of the Wild eventually decided to do neither, and to quietly enjoy the show.

Indeed, the sort boozed orator wasn’t finished. Lifting a wavering warning finger, he added:

“BUT!! TheeeEEER*burps* Sorry. There’s a fellow FAAAAR more scary *hips* scarier than the Crawling Cuteness. Trust me! I’ve me- *hips* met them both, so I can tell!”

Despite the increasingly incoherent speech, his public was now hanging onto his every word. Who could be this monster? Terrific enough to top even the number one player of UT? For most adventurers, who swore only by a player’s level, it seemed impossible! However, the words of a famous person, even drunk off his ass, held enough weight to make people disregard even their deepest beliefs.

The Knowledgeable too raised his head. But not for the same reason. He already more or less knew what Lautrek was about to say, and was in advance mentally rolling his eyes. Nevertheless, information about the almost mythical Magical Nyarlathotep, who even he himself had never glimpsed, always piqued his natural curiosity. And Lautrek, when he was sober, persistently dodged the subject whenever Elric asked, like she was going to personally hunt him down if he dared talk about her.

Although, sadly for the knight, the subject of the legendary adventuress didn’t come back. Instead, Lautrek climbed up on the table, still managing to stay smaller than most, and grandiosely eructed:

“The numb- NUMBER ONE Deep Exp’... NO! The number one PLAYER you should never EVER piss off…”

A small pause for the suspense…

“The crazy Wandering Knight, ELRIC WALKER!!!”

The tension abruptly receded, and the aforementioned knight sighed in resigned irritation.

Oh, come on! Get over it already! It’s not like that was such a big deal… I just overdid it a bit, that’s all... Once. Tsh. Why’s he always obliged to talk about me like I’m some schizophrenic Terminator… It wasn’t that bad, really… neither me, nor the movie, by the way, although it’s getting a bit old… The movie… not me… Besides, see, nobody’s believing you. Again. Well, I suppose barely holding water doesn’t add to your credibility either…

And, as of right, the surrounding players were all exchanging half-smiles in an awkward silence, only broken by a few muffled chuckles.

If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. Please report it.

After some time, a blue-skinned woman, probably a half-mermaid of sorts, finally dared voice out loud what everybody probably thought:

“Eeeeh… Elric Walker? With all due respect, Heaven’s Brush, but isn’t he one of the weakest Deep Explorers? Don’t get me wrong. Of course, everyone loves the Wandering Knight, the Saviour of the Noobs, etcetera. But still… scarier than the MagiChaos Girl? It can’t be… I mean… I’ve even heard somewhere that even among yourselves, you call him the ‘Careless Idiot’, or something?”

“THE RECKLESS IMBECILE!!!” Lautrek shouted. “HARHARHAR!! Listen, girl! There’s something… *burps* something you’re q-quite mi-misundersta’ding here. That title ‘sn’t scoff! NO! NO! Really isn’t. But PRAISE!! Reckless? Damn rrrrRRRIGHT he is!! And there’sn’t a single, not a single, you hear me, not a single Deeps that doesn’t respect him for that!”

“That might be true, but why ‘Imbecile’, then?”

The young woman wasn’t giving up.

The drunk dwarf glared at her, then at the inside of his mug, and was surprised to find it empty. He called out for an nineteenth fill, before answering a bit hesitantly:

“Mmmmh… Wu-Why i-indeed… *hips* I’m not too sure. It’s not like we all sssit around and decide those nicknames, you know. HARHARHARHARHHH*hips* They just kind of ‘pop’. *hips* But you think Elric’s a simpleton? NAY!! HARHARHARHARHAR… The man’s a freakin’ geeenius if you ask me! But he’s got no damn control over this DAMN BRAIN of his! HARHAR! One second he’s handling a damn dragon sin- signel- sinlhand- singnd- … ALONE! And, the next moment, he’s axed off for being distracted by a damn funny stalagmite! HARHAR!! Or he falls down a cliff because he sud-suddenly thought b-*burps* b-back on what he ate the previous day. HELL! I even saw him once fighting off d-dozens of goblins barehanded! NO SWEAT!! … And then… and THEN! He turns back to me… and ask me why people always think unicorns have something to do with RAINBOWS!?! HARHARHARHAR… And… HARHARHAR… Can you believe it?! A goblin then took the chance, and stabbed him in the guts! And he got poisoned! AND DIED!!!! HARHARHARHAR-RHOHOHOHOHOHO… Aaaaah…

… But that’s Elric for you. RIGHT ALFY?!”

Fuck you too very much, Uninspired Paintbrush…

“… Well, he’s got more skills and knowledge than anyone, but he’s too damn much of a damn unfocused damn s-s-scatterbrain to use all this HUUUGE power pool NO OCEAN correctly. Haha… *burps* I think that’s why the other Deeps call him an imbecile. B’t me? NEVER! And I ain’t forg’ving ‘nyone who DARES m-mock ‘r make light of him!”

Sorry, Lautrek. You’re a true bro, even if you’re an annoying gossiping drunkard. But shut up now. That’s a good place to end your boozed delirium…. Please.

“An Imbecile?! Pwah! Ignorant fools! You sh’d all thank the g’ds you’ll prob’ly n’ver face a ‘serious’ Wandering Knight!! I SAW IT! Once… and that was the da’n sc’riest thing I’ve ever s’n in my ENTIRE LIFE!! Void eyes… that blood-covered face… that meticulous slaughter… AND THAT HELLISH HUMMING!! Oh god that humming… Hhhaaaaa…”

Shivering, Lautrek abruptly seemed to sober up, as if plunged headfirst into a bucket of cold water, and he let himself fall sitting on the table. With a timely reaction gained though practice, Elric quickly raised his cup to avoid it being spilled by the rocking of the piece of furniture. All around, the standing audience now looked deeply perplexed, and it was again the same mermaid-ish woman that dared express the public opinion.

“But what to be that scared of… if he’s not strong?”

Slowly spinning on place – an act looking pretty ridiculous when sitting on a table – , the dwarf directed his glare into the speakers eyes, making her shrink a bit, before answering in a deep foreboding voice:

“Not strong? Girl, how could the Wandering Knight b-be weak? How COULD one who travels the Wild alongside names like the Crawling Cuteness, the Hammer of ShakeEarth, the Cloning Twins, the Necro-Strategist, or the Unbirthday Party, not be a damn monster himself?

Trust me, his only t-true weakness is the chaos that plagues his mind… Or blesses it, some might say. But, let me ask-k you, what would happen if that chaos was tamed? … What would happen if a thought was strong enough to rise at the surface, stand above the destructive waters, and command them? WHAT would happen if, for some unpredictable reason, a single target became the unique focus of a storm of esoteric knowledge?! Mmmmmh?

Not scary? HA!

…Of course, if you as much as annoy the Dark Harrower, you’d instantaneously die. Of course, if you bother the Mad Hellfire Priestess, she’ll harass you mercilessly for a couple months. Of course, Elric is a forgiving and funny guy, who could even send you off with a smile after you tried to kill him. It happened…

BUT… If some brain-damaged fool was damn moronic enough to piss the Sage of the Wild to the point he’d reversely flip out, and decide to seriously retaliate? HA!! Then the awakened Humming Lord wouldn’t fall back asleep until the recipient of his wrath was absolutely, utterly, meticulously annihilated and definitely gone from the face of this world. Hehe… Being spawn-killed back to level one might actually be mercy compared to…”

He left his sentence unresolved, marked a small pause, shaking his head as if to get rid of something, and then smirked.

“Here… Hehe… Maybe a little example could help you. Do you lot know about the army of two thousands orks camping at the base of the [Singing Flower Mountain]? Mmmmh?”

The adventurers looked even more puzzled than after the dwarf’s first boozed ranting. A few amongst them, those who actually knew the place in question, were exchanging hushed comments, shrugging and shaking their heads in helplessness. This little game continued until a burly scarred warrior eventually answered out loud:

“But, Heaven’s Brush, there’s no ork in that place…”

Lautrek chuckled self-satisfyingly, finally jumping down the table, and sitting on his stool. He then grabbed a twentieth beer, drank a mouthful, and glanced over the crowd before concluding in an abnormally quiet tavern.

“Precisely.”

Across the table, Elric could only roll his eyes in weariness, and mutter, so quietly nobody heard him:

“Still call it self-defence…”

– END OF FLASHBACK–

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So, here’s a little something while I’m working on the fight scenes. I might be overpraising Elric a tad, and maybe brewing more hype than what the next few chapters deserves… but I like doing it, so I’ll do it anyway.

The funny thing is: I don’t like reading side-stories…

And I hate when writers stride away from their MCs for too long. But, on the other hand, I can’t help writing those short stories… well… I’m a hypocrite… I’ll have to live with it.

Also, I wrote this whole side-chapter listening to “They’re Taking the Hobbits to Isengard”… again, in a loop…

Spoiler :

Although I listened to the 10 hours version.

And, with this, I thank you for reading, and will as soon as possible release the “real” chapter.

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