Nutrek’s Odyssey:
Recruitment Issues
NOOO! Stop! Cease! Desist! Do not continue with your ramblings, for my ramblings are the ramblings to be obeyed, for I am the king, supreme leader, and all-around dictator! Don't you see? All you monkeys are my plan, so your plans are my plans, because you made plans and my plan was to make you. My plan to rule the planet, not to have my plan's plan to stop ME! I am your creator! I am your king! I am MOJO JOJO! OBEY ME!
– Mojo Jojo, The Powerpuff Girls
– ***** –
In a cursed kingdom, forsaken by its gods and ruled by Darkness and Fear, in ancient marshy woods, a once gone Ruler of Evil had come back to the place of his pathetic demise, to recall from the abyss his slaves loyal servants he had forgotten left behind in a fit of hysterical and idiotic fleeting moment of rightful anger.
…?
Who did this?! NUTREK!! Give me back that pen, you unfresh rodent! … I don’t care you don’t like the script! Complain to the other lazy bum, not me!! ... *sigh* Sorry ‘bout that folks. This little guy is a bit difficult to keep under control… Oh! In-game narrator here, by the way. Thank you for your faithfulness and als- OKAY!! Okay, sorry for breaking the fourth wall! But it’s Nutrek that… Compromise? But… No excuse, I get it. … *cough* Slave driver *cough* … No. I didn’t say anything, author-sama! Who do you think is doing all the work, you incompetent piece of smugnes- Sorry! Ow! AOUCH! SORRY!! I’ll go back to the story! Please, stop hitting me… Damn. It’s all your fault, you Ice Age rip-off… So… *cough* Back to the chapter.
It was in the trashed remains of a once sacred grove, that the abject summoning ritual was taking place.
Under a sky of sombre thunderclouds, tormented spectres torn off the netherworld nauseatingly swirled around, twining their gaseous wrenched existence, attempting to flee, crying wails of despaired agony, while translucent chains continuously sprung from the ground and piercing their immaterial beings.
Cackling, the heartless sorcerer observed the grisly scene, arms raised and sourly pleased. Then, at his command, tattered corpses laboriously emerged from the muck and the mutilated struggling souls were mercilessly dragged into their new crumbling prisons of rotten flesh and mangled bones, shackled to the broken bodies, condemned to servitude, darkness and pain, bound to the whims of the necrotic warlock that was now rubbing his bony paws in glee… or so it should be.
Smirking in self-praise, the undead overlord stepped forwards and addressed the assembly of decayed critters now tentatively standing before him:
“Greetings, my loyal and faithful subjects! Rejoice from those salutations, for you insignificant, unworthy, lowly beings have been chosen by mmmMMEEEEE, the grrrreat, the mighty, the revered, the MAGNIFICENT, THE… the… eeeh… *cuigh* feel free to had other adjectives describing my glorious self, BUT I SHALL NOT!! For this one is perfect enough to be modest… Although I, Nutrek Acornazieth the Fourth, allow you to praise my humbleness. But not all at the same time, please. Someone as unpretentious as my unmatched self would be embarrassed when showered with too mu-”
“RRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOAAAAARRRRRR!!!”
“… Oh zounds.”
– *** –
In a cursed kingdom, forsaken by most gods but Chaos, where even Darkness had learnt the meaning of Fear, in ancient marshy woods, echoed the screams of a curious unholy procession.
Skeletal wolfs, headless chickens, foaming puppies scattering their innards, expired mussels, overcooked frogs’ legs, floating peeled shrimps, squashed beetles, parcelled snakes, tortoise shells hosting disembodied spirits, stabbed porcupines, kittens stumbling on their own eyes, putrid foxes drooling blood and teeth, bunny ghouls, halved beavers, disembowelled flamingos, and other absurd abominations vomited by the depraved imagination of a necrophiliac zoologist under acid, were currently trampling, rolling and staggering at various speeds in a cacophony of disgusting gargles and growls.
Preceding the demented cortege, a swearing fleshless squirrel was running on all fours, fleeing for his unlife.
“Damn you, Light Sword! Damn you. Damn you. Damn yoooooouuuuuu!! Just wait! Beware!! I shall get my revenge! Yes-yes-yes-yes-yes-yes-yes-YEEESSSS! My revenge! IIIIIIIIIIIH!! And then you shall know the wrath of NUTREK ACORNAZIETH THE FOU-”
“RRRRRAAAAARRRRRRGLE!!!”
“SQIEEEEK!! Shit! Shit-shit-shit-shit-shit-shit-shit….”
Increasing his speed, Nutrek dashed away from the rebellious army he had summoned.
– *** –
*ruffle* *ruffle* *sniff* *snort*
“…” *crack* “Shit!”
“SCHWREEEEEEEEEEEE!!!”
*rollroll**trbbbbblle**bombom**skrrrrrrrrrruuutch**kaplof**pong-pong-pong*
Following the lead of a huge boar missing its ribcage, all the surrounding undead stopped their haphazard rummaging and rushed after a small shadow that was quickly fleeing west.
“…”
Silence fell back on the area as the heterogeneous nightmarish mob progressively left, much to the relief of a beautiful flower growing inconspicuously in the middle of a small muddy pond.
“…”
*shruuui-plop*
With a loud suction noise, a slimy pile of muck emerged from the puddle, topped by the swaying flower. Sliding its way to the shore, trembling like some dirty decorated pudding, the heap of mire slowly shed itself away, revealing a soiled bony rodent shivering in rage.
“Humiliating! Disgraceful! Vulgar! Ignoble! Opprobrious! Being reduced to hiding in such a shameful manner from a bunch of lowlifes incapable of recognizing a [Shadow Clone]! UNBELIEVABLE!! MORTIFYING!! Curse you Light Sword! CucucucuCURSE YOUUU!! Even father never treated me that way! … Well, he did try to destroy me… BUT THAT HAPPENED ONLY ONCE!! … before I fled from home… BUT… But… Aaaaaah… What did I do to deserve this? I was quiet, calm, retired, didn’t kill too many humans, stayed in my corner, destroyed very little, no more than a farm or two... maybe three… and that one town… once… One little tiny little little little town in seven hundred years! It can’t be even considered a bad action. Those ruffians had a terrible sense of humour. SQUIEK!! Even after that cursed power wave, when all those rough newbies started to eat people left and right, I just watched from afar and didn’t participate. Hmmmpf. Like someone as noble as this one would lower himself to grace those uncivilized buffoons with his hellish presence! Ah! Unbelievable! Unthinkable! Unimaginable! Inconceivable! Impossible… Implausible? ‘That kind of binge eating is for lower beings. Not for noble liches such as ourselves’, that’s what father always said. Right! Didn’t even lift a claw against that stupid trio that decided to picnic in the middle of a zombie swarm! A shame too, their dog would have made a good minion, he seemed quite the loyal type. Right. Why didn’t I again? AH! That old freak! I don’t know why, but his aura reminded me of father when he- No-no-no-no-no-no. Don’t think about father! Don’t think! DOOOON’T! No. No. NO! You know how it always ends up. You know how you always get depressed when it happens! You know it! YOU KNOW!! Father hates you. Yes, he hates you! Because you’re flawed! You’re broken! A mistake! TRASH!! RUBBISH!! A failed experiment like your brothers! That’s what he said! That’s why he tried to kill you. That’s why… IIIIIIIIIIHH! Stop that! You’re just hurting yourself! Stop! Stop! STOP!! Think of another emotion. Other emotion. Emotion? Happy. Curious. Confused. Sad. No, not sad. Angry. Angry? ANGRY!! LIGHT SWOOOORD!! I will find that bastard, kill him, raise him back from the abyss, kill him again, and then bind his soul to a fried slice of potato and EAT IT!! We’ll see whose laughing then!! HIHIHIHIHIHIHI!! And why did that bastard have to take away my precious? It took so much effort stealing it from father too…”
All the while incessantly talking to himself – undead had no breath to catch, which made them pretty tiring to listen to – in a rapid squeaky voice, Nutrek began walking fast – for a squirrel –, and East, deploring the loss of his irreplaceable artefact.
Irreplaceable indeed, as the [Cursed Fated Acorn], which Elric had lightly pocketed after his encounter with the critter lich, was in fact a Unique item, created by one of the three most powerful necromancers to walk the Pandore Continent in the last six thousand years, a very eccentric fellow, the same who had brought Nutrek to “life”, the one the bone squirrel called “father”, a noble man who had forsaken his kingdom, his line, his duty, his body and his soul to dive whole into the study of the dark arts.
Sole of its kind, the unremarkable seed held the power to convert Nature’s energy into Dark magic. By fusing two forces most considered opposite – he had actually thought Light magic would have reaped better results, but the experiment had still been a working progress back then –, the mage had created an almost inexhaustible power source, which Nutrek had managed to steal the day he fled from his creator, in passing imprinting himself as the sole master of the overpowered item.
Without it, the small rodent necromancer still wielded tremendous magic though. Raising dozens of undead truly was a piece of rotten cake – after all, his father wasn’t just anybody! – but controlling the animated corpses was something else entirely, since it required continuous efforts and mana spending.
Unfortunately, that was exactly where his powers failed him. His abilities were abnormally high, but the regeneration rate of his mana was also disproportionally low. Unexplainably so in fact. Regardless of how much he tried to retain it, power just leaked away from him like water from a pierced goatskin.
He never exactly knew why. All he knew was that he sometimes felt this odd uncomfortableness, like his body and soul didn’t perfectly fit, and that magic was spilling in-between the gaps.
Which was stupid.
Why would a squirrel body not fit a squirrel soul?
It was just his imagination…
It was …right?
…father?
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– *** –
Lost in a deep conversation with himself, Nutrek didn’t notice he had left the woods, not until his attention was attracted by a familiar tug to his soul: There were usable remains nearby.
Looking around, he was surprised to find himself in the middle of hilly plains. The sky was as cloudy as ever and a strong gale was laying down large patches of unhealthy grey grass and flapping Nutrek’s [Cape of Very Scary Darkness]. In the distance, groups of equine silhouettes could be seen tentatively galloping, but nothing that the selfish arrogant tiny warlock could remember having a grudge against him.
Satisfied by the relative safety of the place, the runaway squirrel focused back on the soul he could feel under his metatarsi.
“Okay. Good. Perfect. Nice. Let’s not aim to high this time. Not too difficult nor numerous. Right. Right? RIGHT! Every great ruler always had a small circle of close powerful retainers, an elite squad, an order of knights that could serve him efficiently. Kikiki-squieeeek! Yes! If I have to be on the move again, bid my time, stay discreet until I get back at that Light Sword bastard, I’ll have to prioritize, to choose quality over quantity. Yes-yes-yes.”
Crouching to be closer to the ground – which made little difference, really – he tried to sense the being whose spirit was still lingering in this place.
“Squiiek… Mmmh… Seems decent. Not bad. Not great either, not compared to me at least, although that comparison is quite unfair, what matter of undead could compare to me? Ah! No more than a handful. Father, that old geezer… maybe a higher vampire, but those haven’t been seen since at least five thousand years if I remember correctly father’s books, all that’s left are degenerated ghouls. Squieerk! I hate those. Always drooling everywhere. Good thing this one seems to be no ghoul material. And quite docile. Former undead too. Easier to deal with. Mmmmmh. But I also sense resentment and slight depression. Well, even someone as great as I can’t be picky all the time. Rebuilding has to start from the first stone! Hihi! That sounded great! Am I great? Of course I am! I’m a genius!”
Standing up, the short self-praising undead mage raised his bony arms and gathered all of his unstable mana between his curled up paws. Energy arcs of pure darkness crept all over his skeletal body, tearing reality and Life itself apart by the sheer abnormality of their ungodly nature, and a swirling mass of greenish black plasma started to form over his head, oozing an aura of cold and death.
“Here my call, fallen of the horde! Raise once more and meet your Lord! [Undead Recall]!”
The contained hurricane of necrotic energy was casted to the ground, where it sunk like a stone in water.
A few breaths later – that’s just an expression really, in truth, for several kilometres in all directions, nothing was actually breathing, and plants don’t count, anyway – oily smoke began to seep from the earth, condensing fast into a shape as dark as a moonless night, a muscular body with four powerful hoofed legs, black smoky mane and tail, and a fanged head punctuated by two fuming orbs of ghastly green that fixed their never-blinking glare onto the immobile and expectant lich that had summoned it back to the realm of the living.
“Hyyyyyyyyyunnnnmpfff!!”
“…”
Unsure regarding the potential hostility of the ghostly undead horse, Nutrek unusually waited a few seconds before introducing himself. Seeing nothing dangerous was happening, he stepped forwards and placed a paw on his sternum, the other extended towards the one he had just recalled.
“Greetings, oh equine spectre!” Somehow, his speech had gotten a bit less pompous. “I, who stand before you, am the one who called you back from the netherworld, the abyss where your soul erred, unable to fully detach itself from this material plan. Through my mighty power, I also granted you new strength! From [Erring Fallen Steed], you now have evolved to a higher [Macabre Phantom Stallion]! A mount worthy of my glorious self!” …a bit less pompous… “And as your new master, I shall nevertheless introduce myself first as a sign of a respect that I hope will grow to be mutual during our future cooperation as-”
“Hou-yyyyhnnnm!”
“I-I-I speak too much?! How dare you?! You lowly being! I am your master! Your lord! Your liege! And you shall address me as such! Not ‘you’ not ‘shorty’, and certainly not ‘little bony’!!! And know my name is Nutrek Acornazieth the Fourth, but you may call me ‘master’.”
“Hyympfff!”
“… Yes, ‘Boss’ is fine too… I guess…”
“Hyounp Hiii?”
“What flower? Ah!”
Nutrek ragingly grabbed the blooming vegetable that had used him as a ride. The plant immediately shrivelled in his grasp and fell into dust.
Embarrassed as hell, but thankfully having no blood to blush with, the critter army-less overlord tried to smoothly change the subject.
“Eeeeeh… and what might be your name, my first retainer?”
“Hihihihi…”
“Right right… very funny… hilarious… my sides hurt… Haha… So, your name?”
“Hyyppffnmuuhuh.”
“…”
If Nutrek had eyelids, he would have been blinking in confusion and slight consternation right now.
“A-Asparagus? What the hell is that for a na- *cough* Eeeeeh… But names do not matter!! No, they do not! So, you are the [Macabre Phantom Stallion “Asparagus”]! … Damn this is ridicu- VERY WELL!! I am myself known as the [Mighty Immortal Squirrel Lich], and I shall now ask you, as pure formality I am sure, do you consent in serving me?”
“…”
“… I’d like an answer… please?”
“Humpf…”
“Great!” Nutrek looked extremely relieved… for a skeleton. “Then let’s get moving. I have reasons not to stay here for too long… and we have much to do. Gather comrades. Get stronger. Kill the Light Sword Bastard… eeeh… That’s about it… Damn… I thought I was more ambitious than that! Well… Well… WELL!! WE SHALL CONQUER THE WORLD!!!! HIHIHIHIHI-”
“Hymphuuhuhuhmpf…”
“… yeah… that’s what I think too… Aaaah. Well, we’ll cross that bridge when we reach it. Anyway. Let’s head north first, my loyal Asparagus! I don’t really want to, but we’ve got no choice, so it is time for me, for the first time in seven hundred years, to finally go back ho-”
“Hyhyhyhy-Urumpf.”
“What do you mean by ‘Employment terms and conditions’?”
– *** –
Five hours later.
“NO! NO! NO! And NO! We’ve been over this! How many religions do you think I’ll believe you practise?! It’s either the two weeks of Ha’Ouch, or the two of Si’hick! I don’t even understand why I’m supposed to give you days off in the first place!!? You’re an undead! You don’t get tired!!”
“Hy-hy-hyrumph Hypy-plop!”
“And when was such law ever written?! I’m older than you, you know! There’s no such thing as the ‘Universal Declaration of Undead Rights’!! I’m only being conciliatory here because I in such deep shi- *cough* Well. Anyway. Let’s just say you’ve got the two weeks of Ha’Ouch and leave the matter at that. Okay?”
“Humpf…”
“Right. Now apply your hoof here.”
Nutrek put away his quill and laid on the ground the long long parchment he was holding, designating a blank spot next to his own signature and paw imprint. After carefully rereading the document, which took another half-hour, Asparagus eventually agreed on the conditions. Then, on the squirrel lich command, the contract magically rolled itself and disappeared inside his dark cape.
“Finally! Good. Good. Now we shall depart fo-”
“Hyyympupupmf?”
“I TOLD YOU I CAN’T PAY YOU RIGHT NOW!!!”
“Pffffhy-hy-hymn”
”Squiek! What made me ever think this guy was docile again?”
The very tired bony rodent was starting to regret ever raising back from the ether this bureaucratic equine freak.
Casting his frustration away, Nutrek added it to the fuel of his anger towards the one that had forced him down to such pitiful extremes, “Light Sword”, whose name he still had no idea about.
*sigh* “Yes, yes… You will get an indexed bonus for each week of unpaid labour. Satisfied?”
“Humpf.”
“Good. What does an undead horse need money for anyway?”
Asparagus just shrugged.
“You have no idea either, do you?”
The undead stallion looked away and pretended to whistle, while his bewildered master skull-pawed.
“Aaaah… You’ll pay for this Light Sword! Anyway. Let’s get going, we’ve already lost too much time because of your claptraps!”
Jumping on the black horse’s back, he commandingly squealed:
“Forwards north, Asparagus!”
“Hyyuh?”
“What is there north?”
The ghastly greenish foxfire in Nutrek’s orbits flickered gloomily before he answered.
“North is… home.”
– ***** –
----------------------------------------
And that was another episode of the (mis)adventures of little Nutrek, who is finally on the road again! Next time, the pompous squirrel lich and his newfound stingy equine companion shall meet not one, but two important characters! So much suspense… Hahahaha… Haha… Ha… Anyway.
If you do not know what the skeleton of a squirrel looks like, here it is:
Spoiler :
http%3a%2f%2fih0.redbubble.net%2fimage.16602182....5%2cf.u1.jpg [http://ih0.redbubble.net/image.16602182.7417/flat,550x550,075,f.u1.jpg]
Now just add a hooded cape and green burning eyes.
So thanks for reading, and see you next time.
PS: No narrator was injured during the writing of this chapter…. I swear.
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