Chapter 9:

Noodly Feelings

“Look at me,

I may never pass for a perfect bride,

Or a perfect daughter.

Can it be,

I'm not meant to play this part?”

– Mulan, Reflection

– ***** –

Four. Seven. Four times. No. I'll be alone Saturday. Three. Ah. There's a special offer on that brand. Fifty percent off? Expired maybe? Well, including the dog food that would be a total of fifty-seven point eighty-three instead of sixty-three point twenty euros. Will do. Okay. Now... I just need to pay. Yes. Calm. No danger here. He isn’t dangerous at all. You can do this.

Over her rectangular glasses, Eva took a rapid peek at the cashier. Her breathing immediatly quickened and she swore under her breath for the twenty-third time since entering the grocery store. The man lazily turned towards her and she reflexively ducked behind a shelf full of instant noodles “four for two”.

She quickly straightened up and resolutely walked towards the checkout. The last thing she needed right now was for the man to suspect her of stealing and to decide to come over. That would involve talking to him, and she wanted to avoid that at all cost.

“3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716939937510582…”

Her lips moved almost without a sound, but her thoughts were shouting.

Why? Why? Why? WHY? I even asked Laura for a copy of the planning and specifically only come when it's a girl's shift. For fuck’s sake, it's six o’clock. It should be Lucy's shift right now! So why is there a GUY here?! And, of course, it HAD to be on the ONE day when the fridge is empty. I could go still somewhere else, but there’s no other store too close and that would make me late. Usually Id’ go to that option anyway… but...

A sad expressionless face came floating through her mind, along with a burst of confused anger and helplessness. She swore, again, and a female costumer shot her a surprised glance upon hearing the crude words that didn’t match Eva’s bookwormy appearance. Not minding the woman, Eva joined the short line in front of the unique checkout.

Damn! It's the last time I trust Hellen with resupplying the fucking fridge! I swear, how can she be so... so… inconsistent!!

Hellen, Eva’s older sister, despite what her practised delinquent style might suggest, was in fact extremely competent with anything work-related and with general household affairs, but day-to-day matters were really a hit-or-miss thing. Eva had eventually taken most of it upon herself, but mishaps were bound to happen and the younger sibling would have liked to be able to rely on the older one in those occasions.

The line sluggishly moved forwards and Eva kept herself distracted from the hurdle ahead by mentally cursing Hellen’s selective sense of responsibility, while keeping her gaze firmly directed at her sturdy hiking boots.

"Good evening. Do you have the Bonus Card Advantage Maxi Plus App of our shop?"

The usual line came with this experienced shade of uncaring annoyance that only underpaid cashiers seemed able to pull off – them, and the people at the post office. After a short breath to gather her courage, Eva looked up at the blond smudge in front of her.

"..."

Wordlessly, she handed over her plastic basket and her smartphone, with the aforementioned application already displayed on the screen. The smudge seemed obviously fine with the lack of communication, because he readily scanned a code with her phone and handed it back, before mechanically proceeding with the content of her basket.

She nervously shoved the cell back in her pocket and glued her gaze onto the moving blurs that were a heteroclite assortment of ready-made meals, microwavable dishes, frozen pizzas, dog food, toilet paper, water, carbonated drinks, soap, toothpaste, tampons, and sweets.

“In a right angled triangle… the square of the hypotenuse… is equal to the sum… of the squares of the other two sides,” she mumbled distractedly.

The basic theorem didn’t help much. Although she hadn’t broken down yet, the short interaction had taken a lot out of her. Her fake glasses were useful, but even without seeing well, her photographic memory had enough male faces in store to inconveniently fill the blanks. Thankfully she had never had a clear look at the man handling her groceries, or the glasses would have been totally useless. Like with a certain male classmate of hers she vastly preferred not to think of right now.

"That'd be sixty-three twenty… please," the cashier stated, sounding expertly unconcerned.

Eva didn't point out the mistake. She rapidly paid and bolted out of the store.

On the pavement outside, she paused, a hand clutching her pullover above her heart. She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, then opened them again and began walking fast towards home. Her gaze remained fixed on the pavement, looking under her glasses as much not to notice strangers than to avoid really damaging her eyesight.

That wasn't so bad, was it? I wasn't weird, was I? There's plenty of people who pay fast without talking. And who run out of the store? Right… Oh fuck! He must think I stole something, I'm sure. But again, there's a seventy-six percent chance he would feel that he isn't paid enough to catch shoplifters. And why does he need to scan every single item anyway? And why must the only store close-by be one of the few where they haven't a self-scanning system yet? What decade do they live in? Seriously!? At least the music store let me just give the money and leave. I don't know if the guy is dumbly trusting or if he knows the exact price of every CD in his store, but that sure is convenient, even if I’d prefer quantum chips to CDs. But I guess that’s still to recent.

Thinking about music helped her calm down, but at the same time, the image of the nearby music store made her thoughts drift towards the particular male specimen she wasn’t in the mood to think about. He wasn’t a bad person. Just a problem. A problem she had more than mixed feelings about, somewhere in the range between guilty gratitude and angry annoyance… which admittedly made up for quite a few shades of messed-up. And her feelings were enough of a mess right now without adding that guy.

The beautiful and sad face that had haunted her all day resurfaced and her anger built up once more, screaming for release but irritatingly targetless.

Fuck! Where's that guy when I need him? Ah... no. Bad thinking. Or is it? Doctor Granville said that mentally repurposing the target of my fears might help to forget their actual causes... but I suppose that falls under the category "psycho-crap nobody cares about".

Eva couldn’t have known, but for a brief instant, her lips curled up into the absent smile she almost only wore when reading books, thinking about music, or talking to her family. That didn't last however, as that train of thought naturally brought her mind back to the reason she had been moody the whole day. Or at least moodier enough that she didn't succeed in hiding her annoyance to her friends.

Not good. Not good. I need to get my shit together. I even almost snapped at Laura. It's not her fault. She simply asked me if I was alright. I hate that question. But screaming back "I'm never 'alright' you dumb cow!" wouldn't have been right. Laura is a good friend. She even gave me the planning from her part-time job. Not to mention those two juicy watermelon she... Ah! No! No. No, dammit. She. Has. A. Boy. Friend! Damn, what's up with me today?! Classmates and classmates' friends are off-limit. And that slip-up last month was only because of the stressful situation. Fuck, that's six months of therapy lost right there. I thought I had that shit more under control!

In a corner of her mind, a beauty picking her teeth for Sgululurg meat laughed out loud and barked "Con Troll? The fuck is that?! Doesn’t sound eatable anyway, you really shouldn’t hang onto that." and Eva dreamy half-smile came floating back, before crashing down for again the same reason.

Her mind continued to play emotional roller-coaster for the whole trip home. She was so flustered by the time she reached the door that she missed the unknown car pulled over in the alley to the garage.

Taking out her keycard, she slammed it against the detector and the panel opened with a beep that annoyed her for no reason. She stepped inside and violently took off her glasses, swearing between her teeth when she twisted a temple, then she removed her shoes and put them in the automated laser-cleaner in the entrance.

It was only when she took out a pair of slippers that she noticed two other pairs were missing. Normally only her, her sister and her Mom would come home without prior notice. And Mom was currently working oversea so it was unlikely for her to be there.

Eva also noticed a third pair of shoes in the cleaner besides hers and her sister's black leather boots.

Man shoes.

She was already becoming stiff, her heartbeat and breathing quickening, when a familiar voice came over from the living room at the end of the hallway.

"...bottle of water on the table. I'd better leave before Eva comes back. Tell her I said ‘Hi’."

A vague growl of acknowledgement came back from further inside the room, then the first speaker came into view. At the sound, Eva had reflexively turned her head and her eyes met with the man who had stopped awkwardly in the doorframe.

"Ah… You're early."

The man was tall, skinny, with black hair, a pale complexion and a marked face that spoke of past addiction. He was wearing plain yet slightly gothic clothes that struck that perfect zone between casual and Matrix, which oddly clashed with the purple bunny slippers on his feet.

Eva instantaneously registered all those details, burning them into her mind, before the worried face of the man before her suddenly twisted, turning older, uglier, the traces of addiction melting from past to present. His hair were suddenly a chestnut brown dirty mess, accompanied by a bushy beard slit by a jagged mouth missing half of its teeth. And he suddenly looked much, much closer.

The basket of groceries banged on the ground but she didn’t notice as the smell of blood and gunpowder filled her nose, and she slumped to the ground. Everything was dark and the unmoving figures of her parents laid on the floor, a pool of red spreading around their prone bodies. Through the slits in the closet door, she heard the man breathing loudly and cursing, mumbling loud nonsense, something about conspiracy, carrots and bounty hunters.

The doors of her hiding place abruptly slammed open.

"Oh... looks like another spy wants to stop me? YOU LOOOOSE!!" he spat in her face.

A hand clasped around her throat. She tried to struggle, but her child strength was nothing for the giant choking her. She was raised from the floor and brought up close to the man’s face. His blood-shot eyes were swimming all over the place and his breath smelled like alcohol, puke and rotten meat. He himself reeked of sweat and gutter.

"Hahahar! Fuck. They really come in all sizes. But I won't be caught. No. I just need a little more money. Haha! But you saw me... And I saw you too! Too bad BITCH!! Did you think I wouldn't do it because you disguised yourself as a child? Well, yopti-fucking-doo!! I'm not that dumb!!!"

Hot metal hit her cheek. The gun had been fired recently. The man smiled with spasms, his head repeatedly jerking to the side and his eyes twitching.

"Any last word? Your accomplices’ names per~haps?"

"HEY, Psycho! How about, Humpty, Dumpty and Fuck You?!"

The voice wasn't Eva's and had come from behind the man. The metallic touch left her cheek as her mad monstrous attacker perplexedly turned around.

With a disgusting noise of crushed bones, a metal bat slammed into the monster's face, sending his few remaining teeth flying. He collapsed on the ground and Eva followed.

Steps got closer to her fallen form and a hand touched her shoulder. The touch was gentle but she only hiccupped and curled up further into a ball. The hand retracted as if burned.

"…I'm sorry Eva. I thought you'd be home later. Your sister was drunk and I brought her back. Don't worry, I'm leaving now."

The steps got passed her. After a few fumbling sounds the door opened, then closed, and soon her exacerbate senses heard the sound of a car pulling off the driveway and accelerating away.

Leaving someone alone in the middle of a panic attack wasn’t exactly the brightest move, but Eva had never fainted or suffered anything physically dangerous after the first three years of therapy, so the unexpected visitor had preferred to remove his presence from the vicinity of the girl instead of trying to help her and probably aggravate the situation.

Shivering, out of breath and her heartbeat in disarray, Eva remained on the parquet floor, unable to think or move, barely conscious of her surroundings.

Why was he in the house?

The house was her safe place. Her sanctuary. She could be herself, walk around without her glasses, without fear of running into a man at any unknown time. When that sanctuary was breached, it was always worse than usual. The visions came with the fear. It was unclear how much was memory and how much was her imagination, but it felt all too real.

Eventually, she registered pushes to her sides and hot smelly breathing in her face. She meekly reached out and brought the two bulldogs and the large Rottweiler into a loose hug, and started to sob uncontrollably.

The dogs sagely behaved, waiting for their owner to calm down. When she finally felt able to control herself, she let go of her pets and wiped the tears off her face.

"Thanks."

Among all the more or less successful advices Miss Granville had given her, getting pets had undoubtedly been one of the best. No judgement. No suspicions. No expectation. Well… almost no expectation. With a sniff, she reached out in her basket and took out a handful of treats.

"Alright… You waling stomachs. *sniff* I got something for you. Line up!"

Obediently, tails wagging, the three canine formed a line, white female bulldog first, then the spotty brown one, a male, and the Rottweiler at the back. One might be surprised that the largest of the trio went last, but she was younger by a couple years compared to the other two.

"Here you go. Maneater! Nutshot! Lady Ballscrusher!"

As she called these names overflowing with originality and love for malekind, the three emasculators merrily gulped the sweets she threw at them. For some reason, another face popped in her mind, drooling before the food the face’s owner was forbidden to cook herself, and Eva’s smile struggled to come back on her face.

Ultimately, it failed, but the attempt had been laudable.

With the dogs playing around her, Eva then progressively picked herself up, along with her fallen groceries, and, taking care to breathe slowly, she headed for the kitchen. She also took her smartphone out of her pocket and selected a number out of the short contact list.

Had Nicolas witnessed this scene, his visceral hate for cell-phones would probably have abruptly dropped a significant level. Sadly for him, he didn't.

The other side picked up after the second ring.

God, she hated that question.

She resisted to the urge to shout back that no she obviously wasn't fucking "alright"!

Instead she answered with a non-committed half-truth.

"I'm better now. Thank you Thomas."

There was no need to make the man feel any guiltier. Thomas wasn’t exactly a tactful person, but he was one of her sister's closest friends, as well as one of the rare males Eva actually appreciated.

Intellectually, she knew her fear of men was irrational and that she had no reason to dislike them as a species, but becoming a crying mess every time she saw one didn't exactly foster instinctive friendship.

"I get it Thomas. Thank you for bringing her back. What was it this time? Did the group finish a new good song?"

"Oh! That's great. What the theme by the way? Sis never tells me anything."

"She does gets fired up easily."

"That's what she said."

Eva heard choking coughs on the other side of the phone.

"So, the theme?"

"Oh fuck!"

"Ah... Nothing. Nothing. I need to go. Say hello to Gabriella for me. Tell her she should come by for supper one of these days."

"You don't need to quote your own songs. I wouldn't make a move on your wife."

"Oh... I-I knew that!"

"Tsunwhat?"

<...>

"What?"

"With said otaku being rarely home because of work?"

"Please don't associate me with strange techniques."

"Fuck off, Cheshire."

Eva put an end to the call, and sighed. Her sister's friends and co-workers were nice, but weird.

But I suppose they have to be.

It was public knowledge that musicians had to have a few lose screws to be successful. And, as far as Faust was concerned, it appeared to be true. That was from Eva's point of view though. For anyone to whom “otaku” was the norm, the group members seemed immediately less deviant.

Besides, even Eva knew public knowledge wasn't to be trusted blindly.

If one listened to gossips, the four members of Faust were in a state of… well… love rectangle?

The guitarist, Cheshire, and the drummer, Cerberus, were supposedly in love with the innocent singer and bassist, Angel, and the reason why they weren't at each other's throat was because of the fourth member, Hell. The tomboyish violinist was, again supposedly, also in love with Angel. Her advantageous position as childhood friend designated her as Last Boss, but Hell herself didn't act of her feelings because she thought Angel was straight. She was satisfied to protect her from afar, never noticing her feelings were in face mutual.

The shit people come up with, seriously, Eva thought while geometrically disposing the industrialized aroma-flavoured dishes filled with preservatives in the fridge. A couple of noodles cups went in the microwave. She anticipated tonight’s meal to be particularly inedible.

For an insider like Eva, those rumours could only sound stupid. First, forget arrows, Hellen and Gabriella were both straight as steel pipes, and had only met in high school for that matter. Then, Gabriella got married with Thomas when she was a student at the university. Lastly, Cebastian, alias Cerberus, was Gabriella's cousin... and gay.

Though I guess some would argue even gay men could get attracted to Sis.

Of course, the band played with that image of theirs, but Eva still thought it was ridiculous.

All to her considerations about stupid masses and media corruptions, she finished putting every single of her consumable acquisitions at its designated spot... short of the toilet paper.

Indeed, as she had neared the poop shrine, unholy noises had informed Eva that her exalted older sister had crawled out of the depths of the sofa for an unsteady pilgrimage, and was currently engaged in the noble act of presenting offerings to the porcelain god. Wisely, Priestess Evangeline had deduced the deposit of the sacred scrolls could wait until the end of the engaged ceremony.

A ringtone from her phone informed Eva that her meal was ready. All the devices in the house were linked to her cell somehow. When she had first connected it to the microwave though, she had half expected time travellers carrying bananas to appear in her kitchen, but reality had a knack for disappointing people.

See, I know a few Japanese cartoons. I just prefer sci-fi over romcoms… This “dere”-stuff is about girl types in romance, right? Maybe I should pick up some Japanese lessons. Or just grab a book about it at the library.

She unenthusiastically swooped the two cups, ordered the lights to turn off, and made her way to the living room with some quickly collected cutlery.

As Eva entered the living room, her reproachful gaze fell on her twenty-six year old sister, laying ruined in the sofa. The ritual had apparently successfully concluded, and, besides the matter of the delayed rolls, Eva made a mental note to deal with the aftermath after eating. A delightful perspective.

But it’s not like I can ask Sis to take care of her own mess. Good thing she only get wasted when something good happen… Good for you Sis. You’ve earned it.

If Faust’s fan were to see their idol Hell right now, they would probably feel more than a little disillusioned.

Support the author by searching for the original publication of this novel.

Her short spiky black hair with a touch of red, her faint dark make-up, black top and black leather pants were far less showy than what she wore on stage, but that still stuck close enough to her usual image. Her candy pink socks, however, really stung, especially with Magical Lulu-tan smiling on both.

Moreover, the look of smug roguish confidence that had led the fans to refer to her as “aniki” – that and her natural breadboard – was nowhere to be seen, replaced by this despondent, confused, headachy and lost expression specific to the aftermath of smashed drunkenness.

"You look like crap," Eva said to instead of greeting as she handed Hellen one of the two fuming cups and fell on the sofa beside her.

The older sister twisted up in sitting position and immediately regretted her fast movement. Massaging her temples, she accepted the offered meal and sent a tired glance towards the Bringer of Food.

"Right back at ya, Li'l Sis. You look even more anger… angir… angier… pissed than usual."

Silence followed as a look of hatred mixed with disgust warped Hellen's face, mirrored by the exact same on Eva's.

Both were staring at the noodles.

"I met Thomas in the hallway," answered Eva.

"Oh... sorry."

Her sister didn't bother to ask if she was alright, and the girl was grateful for that. Although weirdly enough, she wasn’t as wrecked as she should have been. She was in a horrible mood, but that had nothing to do with what happened earlier.

"No, it's okay. I should at least try to stay calm around friends."

"Well, Thomas… Thomas is basically a cowardly alley cat, so you could probably get along with time."

None of them really believed that could be done this easily, but it was nice to pretend.

"What are you insinuating?"

"That your sense of ‘cute’ is mesh… messed up."

"What does everyone have with my sense of cute these days?" Eva complained while scratching the ears of Lady Ballscrusher, who had laid her big head on her master’s lap.

Hellen’s lips curled up in a drunken smile.

"Ooh-oh~ Everyone?"

"None 'f your dam’ business, ol’ drunk. Eat yer noodles."

"You first, cowboy..."

"Damn."

Both of them addressed a quick prayer to a God they didn't believe in, and gulped down the meal that no amount of artificial flavour would ever manage to give a taste to other than “wet cardboard”.

"Aaaaargh... At least that fights off the alcohol. Nothing that's able to leave my body would willingly cohabit with that thing. D-Damn… Was that thing expired or what?!"

"..."

"You know... we're not exactly poor. You could buy slightly less crapp… cheap meals."

"I don't want to burden Mom any more than necessary before the debts are repaid."

"I'm sure Aunty can manage a little raise in the monthly noodle expenditure. I don’t mind chipping in too, things are gooooood *hiccup* good right now.”

Eva only glared in response.

"Okay, okay. Your call Ma’am. Cardboard noodles it is!" Hellen threw her arms up in surrender. "Or... you could get a girlfriend that can cook, and invite me to come over!"

"I won't be your leecher pass."

"Ssspoilsport. I bet your little love slave would be totally okay with making extra food for the manly lesbian Hell from Faust."

Anybody other than Hellen would have gotten punched for that comment. Instead, Eva hesitated between rolling her eyes and raising an eyebrow in indignation. She chose the latter.

"Love slave?"

"Come on, Eva. I know all the kinky stuff you get off on. That's how I knew your last girl wouldn't last. Too domineering."

"Leave Jenny out of this. She simply had to go study abroad and didn't want a long distance relationship."

"Or she noticed she wasn't gay after all and went off to chase after some Brits’ dicks."

"...or that," Eva mumbled grudgingly.

"So, really, no cock- DAMN! I mean cook in sight?"

"..."

Eva frowned at the slip-up, then her eyes became distant, then she frowned again. Hellen in turn narrowed hers, though it looked less like she was focusing and more like her headache was coming back.

"Hoho... Busted… You know I'll need to vet her. When do I get introduced? I won't let some little bitch get her hands on my sweet little sister!!" Hellen barked, raising a fist in warning to a still unknown foe.

"I'm not sure..." the aforementioned sweet girl hesitated.

"Prudent in relationships? You? …Damn, now I really want to meet her."

"..."

"Can she cook at least?"

"...I think so."

"She passes."

"Hoy! What was that about bitches and your sweet little sister?"

"Desperate… *hiccup* measures," the young woman tried to solemnly declare as she theatrically gestured towards the empty noodle cup.

Eva didn't reply. The beautiful grieving face was once again floating in her mind and irritation followed suit, compounding on itself.

"Ho, Eva."

"What?"

"Your cup."

The girl lowered her eyes and noticed that, indeed, she had squashed the cardboard container.

"..."

"Eva…” Hellen murmured, clumsily dropping a hand on her sister’s head. “What happened? Be-Besides Thomas I mean. I don't intend to minimise what you've got to deal with, but I think there's more than just that here. Usually, a breakdown gets you all depressed and quiet, not angrier."

"..."

*sigh* "Do I have to guess? …Is it that guy at school again?"

"What?! No! What does Nicolas have to do with anything?!"

"Well, I'd say you aren't used to have a guy crush on you. A guy that knows your real temperament I mean."

Eva stared at her sister like she had suddenly begun to speak Taiwanese.

"Who's crushing on who?"

"That Nicolas-guy…” She pointed towards Eva’s face, nearly puncturing her left eye. “And… on you."

"That's stupid!"

"Really? … Really, Eva? I never pictured you as the dense kind. What reason would drive a man to put up with the daily abuse you inflicted the poor thing?"

"I don't say he doesn't have an ulterior motive. I just don't think you're right."

"Oh? And what makes you think that," Hellen asked as she drank the water she finally remembered Thomas had left for her.

"First thing, he's gay."

"Pfffffrt!"

The water did its job and fabulously ended up on Eva's face.

"FUCK HELLEN!! What was that for?! One of your best friend is gay, what's so shocking?"

"What so…? You... You do realise that if the poor guy really has a thing for you, that was about the cruellest thing you could say about him? No... wait...” Her expression became drunkenly thoughtful and she mumbled: “He might actually enjoy the cruel play if he likes you."

"I heard that..." Eva growled. "And it’s not like I don't have solid evidence."

"Oh, please do tell Sherlock."

"Who?"

The violinist violently facepalmed.

"...That’s serious. You really sure you don't want to do that film-series-anime marathon?"

"Positive."

"Okay then. But I reserve the right to overl… orevolle… ver… rethink that decision. Now… What's your evidence that the guy who likes you likes men?"

"I'm not sure I appreciate your formulation."

"Whatever. Shoot."

"Well, first, his only friend at school is one of the most popular guys."

"Typical male friendship route, oh young galge padawan. Popular Guy is friend with everyone, even Anti-Social Kid. Duo dynamics sprout and they get closer. Or possibly childhood friend. Overruled… Hey. I said it."

"Okay. Second, he is very close with the school nurse, Stephany."

"What about it?"

"Stephany is Miss Granville’s brother. Until two years ago, he went by ‘Stephan’."

"Interesting, but... You said he, I mean, she is the school nurse, right?"

"Yes."

"Any remote idea why a guy that follows you around would frequent the infirmary on a regular basis?"

"..."

"Yeah… Not conclusive. Next?"

"But he calls her by a nickname."

"Oh? Which?"

"Shishou."

"..."

"What?"

"I think that marathon is becoming increasingly necessary."

"What? Why?!"

Hellen karate-chopped the heathen’s indignation away, before continuing:

"I'll concede that those two may have a relationship that goes beyond that of a nurse and vict... patient. But I still believe you're mistaken on the nature of that relationship. For all you know, that Stephany might be an expert at catching violent neurotic girls."

"A-Alright! Then, if he was really interested in girls, how come he never did anything with his overly sexy pinup of a neighbour and invites his cute athletic dark-skinned childhood friend home when another girl is staying over?! That totally shut downs opportunities! Hetero men are scheming beasts! They couldn't resist to get their hands on such fine pieces at least once!"

"I think that's just you though. And how do you know he didn’t get his han... How do you… Mmmmh... Eva?"

The younger girl didn't notice her sister's change of tone, her mind half-filled by her anger towards the allegedly ball-less Nicolas and half with the memories of Mary in her tight near-bursting clothes and Yasmin without said covering items.

"Yes?"

"How did you come to know about that guy's neighbour and childhood friend? Specifically about their looks, which from that hungry glint in your eyes I suspect were witnessed first-handed?"

Eva immediately realised her mistake. Her sister had always been a sharp drunk.

"Ah... that..."

"You see, imouto-kun, I only see three… no… two options here. Either you stalked him home, which I would find concerning, or… you wilfully let him take you to his place. Now, although option two seems unlikely… and bloodshed-inducing… I can’t think of any reason for option one to occur."

"..."

Hellen made a smile akin to a cat having successfully cornered an imprudent mouse… after playing with catnip a little too much.

"Which leaves us with a simple question: when?"

"The day you had an unexpected obligation last month and I was left outside the house without a keycard."

Resistance was futile. Eva surrendered.

"Hohoho... And what happened?"

"Nothing. He overheard me on the phone, approached me to suggest to crash in his guestroom, since he lived close. I freaked out, but he waited for me to calm down, then asked again and gave me a bunch of safeguards so that I'd be sure someone would know where I was. Then, because I had no change of clothes, he called his friend to bring some. Then he cooked something, brought it to the guestroom so that I could eat alone, and he went to sleep. In the morning, I woke up and left."

"That's all?"

"I also returned his friend's clothes after washing them."

And I might have nearly assaulted his delicious childhood friend… I’m the worst. B-B-But that isn't pertinent! I was under high mental pressure. And that skin and those abs were asking for it… I… I… oh shit… What am I making excuses for? I was an ass… or she was… EVA!! Get a grip! NOOOO!! Oh god! I’m a terrible person.

"Sooo... Baby Sis…”

Eva snapped her attention back to the talking Hellen.

“Let me get this straight... This guy comes out of nowhere one day..."

"Actually, I think I first met him at the record shop. He was buying your latest album and seemed so hyped about it I couldn't help but find it weird. But I was wearing my glasses so I didn’t notice it was the same guy until recently."

Now that I think about it, he tried to mention something that day at the library.

"So... I bet you acted all suspicious and creepy, and thus got his attention."

"Heeey... *sigh* maybe."

"Then he noticed you at school and tried to approach you."

"Yeah, I suppose."

"A long streak of abuses ensued."

"..."

"However, against all odds, he continues to come at you. Then, when he finds you in trouble, he helps you, provides food, shelter and clothes to the very same woman who bruised at least half his body? And he does that spontaneously, without asking anything in return, when you yourself said he wasn't really a people's person?"

"Pre-Pretty much."

"And you say he's gay? And has no interest in you whatsoever?"

"But that makes total sense!"

"THAT MAKES NO FREACKING SENSE AT ALL!!” Hellen grabbed her sister by her shoulder and shook her. “God! For all your issues Eva, I didn't think I would see the day when your logic fails you so completely."

"But... I like girls."

"Good for you.” She released her. “So does he! Maybe you can compare preferences."

"But..."

"What?"

Eva's eyes stared at her sister's, trying to find a compelling argument that would support her reasoning. But she herself didn't believe in it anymore. Plus, she suddenly recalled something about Yasmin being Daniel's sister, and it sort of destroyed her first argument.

In the end, Eva lowered her gaze, which fell upon the crushed empty noodle cup. A sad sight to behold.

"But... what would a guy see in someone like me?"

Hellen let out a deep sigh and collapsed back onto the backrest.

"And here we are! At the core of the issue. You have no self-confidence Eva. You believe you can only get into a relationship by being forceful about it and starting it yourself, and the idea that someone might genuinely, spontaneously, be attracted to you doesn't even cross your sorry mind. Worse! You sabotage it before it can even happen by acting all meek and subdued."

"But I can-"

The other jumped up.

"I know you freaking can't be around men! But you act the same way with women too. And why? Because you're afraid that they would think you're an angry dominatrix slut if you ever dared to act like yourself for a freaking second!"

The violinist was tired and still drunk, and her tone was beginning to grow louder.

"Hellen! I-"

"No! Shut up, Eva! I'll apologize all you want tomorrow, but right now I'm too fucking drunk to put up with your bullshit, and I have no idea when I’ll get an occasion to tell you this.” She took a deep breath and staggered slightly. “You're my sister Eva, and you are one of… no, the smartest girl I ever met. But you cripple yourself so much by bathing into your own low self-esteem and fears that it's almost painful to watch.

You have an irrational fear of men since Mom and Dad got shot. Okay. I don't, and will never, blame you for that. But, for the love of God, stop acting like it makes you less than everybody else! Because you have one crippling weakness doesn't mean you don't have any worth! Stop acting like you'd never been able to make friends if you were more honest with yourself. You've become so afraid of what would happen if people found out about your androphobia that it's not men you’re afraid of, but fucking everything!!”

Eva’s eyes widened as her sister’s litany, which strangely echoed another she had been subjected to not so long ago. Although this one was less madly cheerful and much more filled with exhausted anguish.

And Hellen wasn’t finished:

“You… You can only feel vaguely calm if you're in total control of the situation. And when you aren't, you become aggressive or run away, or both, because you’re afraid of what could happen if you end up out of your own sphere of influence and you don't trust yourself enough to handle anything unexpected. That's true with your friends I never met, that true with any lover you've had and talked to me about!

You've spent so much time searching for immediate physical comfort with partners you could figure out and so much time shying away from actual real feelings, because that shit is fucking unpredictable, that you've become this... this... sex-craved violent deviant you're so afraid your friends could see your as…

And then the circle repeats and you get deeper into anger and...” Tears began to pearl at the corners of Hellen eyes. “And I can't continue looking at you hating yourself like that. I'm afraid you'll sink so deep I won't be able to go down to bring you back up.

I-I-I only barely got to you in time ten years ago and I'm terrified that next time I… I will be too late. So… I'm not saying you should change. I'm not saying you should 'fix' yourself. I'm just saying... stop to hate who you are, because… because it will never get better that way. If you want to get better, start working with what you've got and move that fucking ass you're so adamant to show off!!"

Almost shouting with distraught anger, Hellen punctuated her speech by loudly slamming her fist on the coffee table. Her own noodle cup didn't survive the surprise attack, but she barely noticed.

Silence reigned for a couple seconds, then what she had just said suddenly dawned on the elder sister and her eyes widened in horror, tears finally rolling freely down her face.

"OH NO!! I-I'm so sorry Eva. I went too far. I didn't mean it like that. I just wanted to say…you… you're a great girl… I mean it and… and you shouldn't-"

Eva shut the rambling young woman with a finger on her mouth. The action surprised Hellen, but not as much as the calm tone in which her little sister then spoke:

"It's okay. I'm not angry. Well, not at you. Besides, you're drunk, so I can't really blame you."

Hellen slowly nodded once.

"But that doesn't mean you don’t think what you said. And it’s okay,” she interrupted her sister who was about to protest. “I get it. I'm broken and there's no fixing it."

A pair of eyes filled with nutty eagerness flashed through Eva’s mind, but Hellen couldn’t know the hidden meaning of those words. And she was horrified.

"No! That's not what I meant!! You're not broken, you're..."

Eva shook her head.

"It's okay, I tell you. Someone told me approximately the same thing just yesterday. And she isn’t the kind to pull her punches… I think I'm starting to understand. I don't need to care if I'm broken or dysfunctional. All I need to care about is how to twist it to my advantage."

Hellen held her breath not to interrupt her little sister train of thoughts. She had no idea what Eva was getting at, but if that could drag her little sister out of the downwards spiral she had seen her sink in during the past few years, the desperate drunk woman was willing to grasp on any straw she could reach. And the light in Eva’s eyes reminded Hellen of when she’d seen the girl work on some engineering projects, which were about the only thing Eva remotely believed herself to be any good at.

And with reasons.

Ironically enough, if the wiring of their home was any indication, Eva was a genius when it came to fixing things… beside herself of course.

"…I have no idea how though," the girl eventually said after a long pause.

Then she suddenly looked up at the clock. It was half past seven. Part of her was annoyed that she was late on her usual schedule, but another was surprised this whole conversation with her sister had taken so little time.

She abruptly stood up and began heading for her bedroom.

Hellen blinked in surprise at the sudden movement, then tried to follow with very moderate success.

"EVA!? Where are you doing… going?!"

The little sister stopped by the door and looked back, her eyes resolute, and she managed a sheepish smile.

"You’re a great Sis, Hellen. You didn’t say anything wrong. I promise I’ll try to become the girl you and Mom deserve. I've no idea how to make things better, but I think I know someone who could maybe. And I… I thinks she needs me right now."

Her smiled faded away and her face became pensive. Pensive and angry. But angry was a default setting anyway.

More to herself than to her sister, Eva murmured:

"I don't know if I can do any good, but I'm done running away."

The line sounded a tad too cliché for her taste, but if she continued to stop to worry about every little detail, she would never achieve anything with herself. She left the living room and a confused, still drunkenly dazed sister to ask herself what had just happened.

"Wha-"

"Oh!" Eva's head suddenly appeared in the frame. "I’ll probably spend most of the week-end logged into UT. So don’t worry. And take a good night sleep, you look like you need it. Also, please take the toilet paper that's on the fridge and bring it to the toilet… and clean the toilet. Thanks."

And she was gone again. And Hellen was still fucking lost.

"…Toilet paper. On the fidge?"

Hellen shook her head to clear it, in vain, then laid back down on the sofa, and stared absently at the ceiling.

"Toilet paper?"

She rolled on her side. A few metres away from the couch, Maneater, Nutshot and Lady Ballscrusher returned her perplexed gaze.

“Toilet paper?”

“““Woof.”””

– ***** –

----------------------------------------

The male bulldog’s name was brought to you by…

Spoiler :

Okay, the past few chapters have been a bit more serious, ‘xcept Nutrek. This ends now. Next chapter shall have zombies, a flamethrower puppy and Leeroy Jenkins.

See you next chapter.