Chapter 3:
Obviously Lemonade
“Backstory, backstory, backstory! The backstory is what drives an evil scientist. It is the ‘Why does he do what he does?’ of the ‘What does he do?’ My point is, at its best, evil science is like undergoing deep Freudian analysis - with a theremin constantly playing in the background.” <1>
– Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz, Phineas and Ferb
– ***** –
As she reached the large clearing where the camp had been set up, Athena was greeted by a goblin who was standing guard – very uselessly so in fact, since the abomination scared the shit out of any monster in a radius of a good kilometre, but goblins presumably were too dumb to think that far.
The goblin smiled teethily and the Shieldbearer stiffly smiled back, knowing the green monster was most likely happy about the half-ton of meat she was carrying and not about her coming back.
While the tribe of shorties had readily adopted Victoria as some kind of crazy nanny, the tall woman had failed to receive the same goodwill. She blamed it on the language barrier, though she admitted the cursed black armour oozing purplish miasma didn’t help either. It must have made quite the impression because they still were wary of her even after she changed back to casual clothes several times.
Mia at least treated her with prudent cordiality, maybe because the matriarch and her mate Ru were hobgoblins and thus the only ones capable of reasonably complex thoughts aside “eat”, “guard”, “kill”, “sleep” and “fuck”. Ru still seemed somewhat suspicious of her though.
Well, I don’t really give a shit about the consideration of retarded monsters anyway.
She didn’t stop by the guard, but gave him a passing glance, and mentally massaged her temples at the sight of the fabulous butterfly wings sprouting out of his back. A little further stood another weird watchman, who kept shifting between solid and gaseous form every time he sneezed. Next to him, a third one was distractedly munching on an oversized fern, his – or her – body turned into that of a giant caterpillar, save for a dazed goblin face.
Resisting the urge to roll her eyes, and still carrying her heavy dead load, Athena ripped her sight away from the mutated creatures and scanned the clearing in search of the source of this localised shower of madness.
Finding the culprit didn’t take long.
A group of five female goblins – Those are females, right? They wear that sort of dress-toga-thing. – were actively busying themselves around two fires over which stood large bubbling cauldrons.
Besides the working quintet, Victoria was supervising the preparation of supper… though her role wasn’t directly obvious, seeing how she was singing and proudly holding up an orange ball. All around her flew a dozen of little blades of frozen blood, like fighter jets surrounding their mothership. The flying knifes occasionally darted forwards, peeling away the flesh of what Victoria was holding, and which appeared to be a mandarin on second glance.
Athena’s headache rose one notch. She loudly dropped the corpse of the [Hoverturtle] a distance away from the fire and ran up to the crazy princess.
“Victoria! What the hell are you doing again?! I thought we agreed for you not to do your blood-thing near food!?”
“…hearts are high ♫ the time will fly ♩ so whistle while you- Oh! Thena!” the dhampir cheerfully exclaimed as she spun around to face the Shieldbearer. “Welcome back! I was wondering what was taking you so long. And how many times do I need to remind you? It’s Vicky ! Being called ‘Victoria’ sounds old and all… prom-queenically princessy!”
As she turned, her swarm of ruby-like blades followed the movement, maintaining its relative disposition to the hematokinetic girl. In other circumstances, Athena would have been entranced with deducing the scientific implications of this specific psycho-spatial relativity, however she was in no mood to indulge into her passion for physics right now.
“Victo- Vicky. Whatever. Could you please answer my question?” she asked in a dangerously subdued voice.
The princess readily opened her mouth, but the Shieldbearer pre-emptively raised a hand to interrupt and carefully added:
“And answer in terms that would make sense to most of the average population… please.”
Victoria closed her mouth and her face became thoughtful as she tried to put her motivations into words. Meanwhile, a knife barrelled towards her hand, violently stabbing the unsuspecting half-skinned citrus, then the fruit torturer pensively caught her chin. The staked mandarin remained in the air, hovering with the bloody knife and leaking juice.
It was an arduous process – thinking, not stabbing stuff. Half of the time, Victoria herself had no idea why she was doing whatever she was doing, and her “explanations” would actually be her trying to piece her own behaviour together while analysing it out loud, resulting in a jumbled mess of suppositions and counter-reflexions. The rest of the time, when her actions actually had reasons behind them, she usually was the only one to whom it made sense, meaning the explanation of said reasons wasn’t any clearer for the cause.
Well, except when she was following someone else’s instructions or complying with some societal obligations, but those made up for a very low percentage of her activities.
After backtracking her train of thoughts for the past half-hour – a really funny exercise by the way, it was always weirdly amazing, or amazingly weird, to notice how much one’s mind could get side-tracked –, Victoria gave up on the branching overarching grand scheme of things and soberly declared:
“I was making lemonade.”
Athena took a deep breath.
Good. A single sentence answer. That’s progress.
“You… are aware that’s a mandarin you were holding?”
“Obviously. It’s not like Life hands you actual lemons, and all I found around here remotely close to the citrus family was this mandarin,” the princess answered in a matter-of-fact tone, actually worrying about Athena’s lucidity for asking such an dumb question.
The tall woman could almost hear the notches in her mind clicking as her headache grew even further.
“…obviously,” she whispered tiredly.
Do yourself a favour Athena, and don’t question where this sexy nutjob found a mandarin in this cursed forest. Do not. It will only get worse if you let yourself be distracted.
“Then… Why the blood knifes?”
“Well, I kinda lack my usual dexterity, ya know?” the nutjob replied while slightly raising her splinted arm. “By the way, if you’d just let me take a sip of your blo-”
“No,” cut Athena.
“Why? I just need enough for the regeneration to kick in.”
Victoria had actually already received new recovery potions from Daniel-san via the [Nether Bag], yet she was afraid the knowledge had spread that Elric was in possession of this rare, possibly unique, dimensional item. It wasn’t like he had clamoured the fact everywhere, but he hadn’t been especially secretive about it either. If Athena had heard of it, explaining the origin of the potions would prove… delicate.
Plus the Progenitor was genuinely intrigued as to why her Soulbound was so adamant about not sharing her blood.
“Just no!” The tall woman could feel her cheeks warm up. “And don’t change the subject,” she hypocritically continued. “You promised not to use your blood near food, so why didn’t you ask someone else to peel your mandarin?”
That question came out naughtier than I thought…
“Oh. That? Don’t worry. I’m planning to drink it myself. I know I’m a bit careless sometimes…”
Freaking understatement of the fucking year.
“…but I’m not stupid. I won’t do the same mistake twice.”
That’s something I guess.
“Although…”
Oh God, no.
“…I still think it was more of a regrettable accident in an experiment that, all said and done, lead to a great discovery. The overall positive outcome makes me really uninclined to call it a ‘mistake’ and I think we should reconsider investigating further the possibilities of the side-effaaaahAAAAAAHH! OOoooOow! The gauntlaaaah! The gauntlets Thena! Fuck! It huUuurts!”
Having reached the bottom of her shallow reservoir of patience, Athena had formed two fists with her armoured hands, and was now in the process of forcibly rubbing them on both sides of Victoria’s white-haired head.
“No. Crazy. Mad. Science. In. The. Middle. Of. HELL!!” she hammered angrily.
“I don’t see why noooOOAAAaaaaouch! Okay! OKAY! Sorry ma’am! I give up! AAAH!! I’ll be careful! Vicky will be good! So pleeeaaaase, STOP!! AAAAA…”
Their little conflict of opinion stemmed from an event that had occurred in the first days of their leisurely trek through the monster-filled woods of [Nowhere].
Full of good intentions – the kind that paved hell –, the dhampir had offered to use her fine-controlled multi-purpose life fluid to slice the meat of the monsters collected by Athena.
The objective had been, first, to help the goblin cooks, and, second, to relieve a bit of Victoria’s own feeling of uselessness. She coped better than Athena – mainly because her mind erased most negative thoughts too fast for them to become a hindrance –, but Victoria still felt uncomfortable lazing around while others worked around her.
Incidentally, that had been one of the reasons why Elric had been playing solo. He loved lazing around but didn’t want people seeing him doing so.
Reasons aside, the idea had been accepted and turned out to be a huge success. Once solidified, though lacking strength as a blunt weapon, the Progenitor telekinetised <2> haemoglobin had an excellent piercing and slicing power. The meat had been swiftly cut, then prepared and eaten.
Which was when the problem had happened.
Soon after ingesting the food Victoria had helped with, numerous goblins had begun exhibiting abnormal aggressiveness and enhanced strength. A bad mix if any was.
Thankfully for everyone involved, Athena had also gotten her fair share of super-strength. And, mercifully for everyone, she hadn’t become – more – aggressive.
Efficient by nature, the Shieldbearer had quickly “calmed” – knocked out – the rampaging runts.
At the same time, Athena had obtained a new Soulbound-specific skill, [Immortal Servant]. It granted her infinite stamina and health, as well as a huge boost in Strength, and for a whooping five minutes, and was apparently activated… by ingesting the Progenitor’s blood.
A “reverse-vampirism” of sorts.
It had thus easily been deduced that some of Victoria’s red fluid must have found its way in the food during the cutting process, and the method was henceforth declared banned by an impromptu disciplinary council comprised of Athena, Mia and Ru… but mostly Athena.
Victoria’s compelling plea for more experimentations on the berserk state induced by her blood had been categorically rejected by the whole council… but mostly by Athena.
As for the [Immortal Servant] skill, its cheat-like aspect was tempered by a warning in its description. Faithfull to the precepts of the Whatever School of Vagueness, it stated that “something bad might happen if this skill is used too often over a short period of time”, of course without specifying neither what might happen, nor how much exactly “often” or “short” entailed.
Thus, the skill had been sealed and its use strictly restricted to desperate situations. The decision had been unanimous… but mostly Athena’s.
Did you know this text is from a different site? Read the official version to support the creator.
And Victoria’s brilliant suggestion of feeding the tall woman with blood until “something fun” happened had been mercilessly rejected once more, leaving the dhampir sulking over people’s lack of consideration for the noble art of mad science.
She hadn’t sulked long though. Even in this new weak and sensually feminine body, Victoria still wasn’t about to let the manly Elric’s title of “Reckless Imbecile” die out.
Driven by her desire to experim… to help, she had come with yet another plan… again about food – What? She was hungry.
Monster meat was usually tough – and poisonous, but nothing some herbs and a bit of natural immunity couldn’t deal with – and the goblin’s worn-down daggers and swords weren’t ideal to cut through it. Innocent as a bloodsucking kitten, Victoria had offered the best blade in her possession to remediate to the impractical situation.
Despite being broken and “blessed” – a very subjective notion – by the – moronic – God of Chaos, the rebaptized [Durandom] was still an unfairly sharp sword. True, the damage it dealt was purely up to luck, but that only applied to combat uses and should not have posed any problem in cutting dead flesh – as long as said flesh remained cooperatively lifeless.
The goblins had been a bit reluctant at first, but they weren’t quite as intelligent as to understand the danger posed by an undocumented god-class artefact. To be fair though, Victoria had had no idea either.
In the end, a suspicious Athena had been the one wielding the divine butcher-knife, all the while keeping a watchful eye on the dhampir princess to make sure no sneaky red crystal flew in the direction of the would-be meal.
This lack of trust had ludicrously offended Victoria. Even she wouldn’t have forgotten a promise made the previous day… probably… maybe… she hoped.
That evening, despite the circumspect atmosphere, everyone had enjoyed the cleanly cut meat of a [Sgululurg], a creature better left undescribed aside from the fact it tasted like baked caribou with maple syrup. <3>
…
In Victoria’s defence, the casualties had been very few.
Oddly enough, Ru had seemed more pissed to see one of his cousins turn into a mutant caterpillar than he had been about the deaths of a handful of his tribesmen – one actually hadn’t died right away, but fishes usually weren’t champions at breathing out of the water.
In fact, since goblins were a relatively weak species, they were used to high mortality rate and had their high fertility to compensate. As one might expect however, even with weak family bonds, turning one’s relative into a vegetarian larva was likely to cause some mild irritation.
No goblin had overtly blamed Victoria though. Either they had been too stupid to pinpoint the culprit, or had been duped by the dhampir’s honest surprise – she truly had had no idea what would happen, or even if something would happen.
Athena had been less merciful. She hadn’t really cared about the goblins’ wellbeing, but didn’t forgive stupidity and rash actions in such a dangerous environment. Since, in light of her previous offense, Victoria had proven unable to act like a responsible adult, the tall woman had decided not to treat her like one, and resorted to the fearsome forbidden spanking-jutsu, Ichimannen Goroshi.
Then instead of depriving the princess from dinner, she had prohibited her from touching any ingredient that wasn’t to be eaten by herself. After much begging, Victoria still managed to get permission to give pointers to the cooks, as long as she kept at least five metres away from them.
It wouldn’t have been far enough if she had decided to send some blood needles into the soup, but even the Reckless Imbecile wasn’t about to defy the mighty Spanking Goddess. Anyone who hadn’t been spanked for fifteen minutes with a cursed metal gauntlet by someone boasting a Strength of two hundred and thirty-two wasn’t allowed to call her a coward on that account.
With all that in mind, it was understandable Athena reacted rather strongly to seeing the dhampir girl merrily swarming her instant-berserk fluid right beside their next meal.
“…Aaahahahaouch. You bear woman,” cursed Victoria, crouching on the ground, once her tormenter had freed her.
“You said something?”
“Yeah,” she groaned in mock anger. “That’s domestic violence against an inoffensive crippled Bloodsoul Mage! I’ll call nine one one!”
“I doubt that would work outside of the US.”
“So you don’t deny the charges?!” Victoria accusingly pointed out. “At least pretend to be sorry.”
“I’m not. Besides, you practically asked for that one,” Athena replied with a frown. “I’m starting to wonder if you don’t make me hit you on purpose some times.”
“Who knows?” the princess admitted with a grin, dropping the angry act. “Though that would be pretty fucked u-”
*ting*
A well-known light bell-sound tinkled in Victoria’s hears.
New Skill: Masochism
(Passive)
Your depraved mind relish in your own bodily sufferings. Attacks received will cause less damage but more pain. (Unrelated to the Endurance stat.)
Level: Beginner 1
Effects:
- Conversion of 1% of any damage received to pain.
“…”
The mighty Progenitor stared at the air before her with an expression as if she had just lost something precious. Athena noticed her sudden silence and empty gaze, and prudently enquired:
“Vicky?”
“…hehehe…”
Did I really hurt her that much? I’m almost positive she was half-faking, but…
“Vicky, is everything alright?”
“Hehehe. I think the game just called me a sexual deviant,” the gender-bent player muttered woozily, then fell silent again, head down, gripping her left shoulder with her good arm, her body faintly jerked by a bitter voiceless laughing fit.
After a few seconds of worried hesitation, seeing Victoria was lost in her own creepy world and apparently not about to do anything dangerous – for herself or anyone else –, the Shieldbearer abandoned the matter and went back to help the goblins dismantle the turtle, leaving the princess to her sulky madness.
Hehehehe… Masochism, it says. So this game’s a fucking psychiatrist too? Or is it a sexologist? Then again, M isn’t restricted to sex I guess.
Aaaaaah… WHATEVER!! I’m sick, I know that. Actually, I’m surprised I didn’t explode already. Athena’s sweet and all, but she keeps telling me “don’t do this”, “don’t do that”, “don’t mix pathogens with the food”, “don’t turn goblins into dancing spatulas!”…
Well… I think I kind of like being held on a metaphorical leash like tha- Wait… right. Masochism… it’s a skill apparently. Hehehehe…
But really… Can’t do anything. How am I supposed to progress and understand my powers if I can’t even endanger the life of a few goblins? Seriously. I wasn’t even doing anything this time. I’ve been a good girl, dammit! It’s not like I don’t have ideas, but I don’t act on them.
I’m still curious what would happen if I injected my blood directly in the target’s bloodstream. Would it be more intense violent madness? Or instant death? … mad … death … Oh! Seras? You still there? I was starting to worry. How do you do?
…
Nothing? Okay. I’m here if you ever want to talk. Or you’re there. Same thing anyway.
Speaking of being there… nonsensical tangent… I wonder why that freak Mistake is giving us a hand. Chaos just said the gig guy “wanted to help”, but I have no idea how long before it changes his… her… its… yeah, let’s go with that… its mind. It’s already a miracle it didn’t snap at us for so long. It’s slightly uncomfortable. I’m reckless, not suicidal. I’d be nice to have a way to control it at least…
Wait… Control… Hehehe…
Hey, Seras! Do you think I could manipulate someone if I inject my blood inside them? Bloodbending for the win!! It should be insanely painful for the subject, but it’s for science, right? Science is fun! ... Well, I suppose Nina Tucker might disagree. <4> But still… So, any idea, my lovely insane disembodied freeloader?
…
Okay. I’ll think of something myself. *mental sigh* But later… Let’s humour Athena a little longer. She’s already on edge enough, and I guess I share some responsibility in that. Aaaah… I want to kill something.
Unaware of her companion dangerous train of thought, the Shieldbearer looked over her shoulder towards the Progenitor who had gone back to peeling her mandarin in a less flashy way – but still with her remotely controlled red knife, given she only had one arm available.
Noticing her companion’s gaze, Victoria simply waved back, spilling some mandarin juice on her dress, and flashed the less threatening smile she could manage with her predatory fangs.
Just smile and wave, princess. Smile and wave.
– ***** –
<1> If some of the less knowledgeable among us wonder what a theremin might fucking be, know it is is an early electronic musical instrument controlled without physical contact by the thereminist (performer), and that it is named after the Westernized name of its Russian inventor, Léon Theremin, who patented the device in 1928. (Wikipedia)
Spoiler :
<2> I am sure the verb “to telekinetise” exist… right beside “to telepath”.
<3> This joke was brought to you by Insensitive Clichés. Insensitive Clichés, because everyone hates everybody.
<4> Yeah… science is fun…
Spoiler :
Ordinarily I’m more into subs over dubs, but this “…big brother” just creeps me out soooo much more.
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I really should stop presuming of what will be in the next chapter… Sorry, but it seems we’ll have to wait at least another one before they get out of there. Probably two.
As an apology, here’s an AMV:
Spoiler :
I just noticed now that MM! must have influenced me somewhere up the line, given the main love interest is a shy androphobic girl that punches the MC each time he gets close… That’s a great comedy by the way. If you have some time to waste, and would like a story where every single character is either a pervert or a pervert, give it a try.
Spoiler :
Careful: You will get spoiled on one of the funniest scenes of the anime.
I have also noticed that the Madagascar penguins have a lot of awesome quotes I shall probably use one of these days.
With that said, thank you for reading and see you next chapter.