“God has made us fall in love, it’s true.”

~ “You and I” Michael Buble

9:55 a.m.

“You know people divorce all the time and kids are resilient. I can’t promise when or how but nothing is impossible. I hurt everyday because I miss you so much.”

They were the words my heart needed to see from her. I knew her worries had to be coming from a place I didn’t quite understand…until now. Even as she texted me these things I tussled with letting her go simply because I knew what she was going through because I felt the same vulnerability; a helplessness as scary as knowing you are sinking and drowning at the same time. I felt the same longing, as if we were one person, and truthfully that dependence frightened me as well, but I just wasn’t genuine enough to admit it like Anya did. The love that she felt for me was no doubt real because I felt its strength too. I now knew there was no way I could walk away from her. That what we had was a rare jewel. A “you’re lucky if this this happens once in your lifetime event”. I knew without a tinge of doubt she needed love in her life as much as I did, and I couldn’t take that away from her as much as she couldn’t take it away from me. I didn’t know much in life but I knew this much; whatever may come, we were both in this together, and I could not allow her to run away because I held the absolute truth through these texts, as heartfelt as they come, what she really desired but also what she truly needed, and I wanted her to have that no matter what pain my heart would have to bear. A few seconds after I read her last text, I called her.

“Hi babe.” she answered.

“I’m not going anywhere.” I said. “I love you.”

“I love you too. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. I…I was fully prepared for you to walk away.” she said.

“I feel the same things you do and sometimes it’s hard to concentrate. You’re on my mind twenty four-seven.”

“I have to focus on my everyday life. I need to know that we can grow and be responsible. Thinking about you can be paralyzing.” she stated. “If you want to…it’s ok with me to talk every few days. Everyday contact makes me miss you.”

“I understand Sweetheart. I just needed to know where you were coming from.” I said. “I know that feeling too. I’m aloof and in a different place sometimes, and it can be distracting when you have things to get done and you have someone on your mind as much as we are on each other’s. You have it different than I do. You have to juggle a family life and kids. All I have to juggle is work and myself. I don’t want you to worry about me. You worry about your life. You have to. I’ll be okay and we’ll talk and catch up when we can. It doesn’t mean I won’t be missing you if you don’t hear from me. Always feels secure in that.”

“I will babe, thank you for hanging with me. I love you.”

“I love you too. Now get back to work, will you?”

“Ha! Okay! Bye for now!”

Even though I would miss her tremendously, it was the best thing for our relationship. If I wanted this relationship to work out. If I wanted the love of a lifetime, the one that would make me happy forever, I had to be willing to suffer as nothing in life worth having comes easy, and that just had to be my approach. My understanding was further appreciated a little later that afternoon.

3:31 p.m.

“You don’t have to text me back. I just wanted to tell you I had a productive day!! Thought about you but not as distracted. Love you and can’t wait to tell you in person!”

Love is an astonishing thing to realize you’re in especially when that astonishment is realized when a simple text message makes your entire day. From this day forward I made a valiant effort to text Anya every few days. I wish I could have said the same thing for her effort.

8:55 a.m.

“Have a fun and productive day! Miss u!”

9:36 a.m.

“Hi! How r u? Miss u.”

10:47 a.m.

“Hi babe. How’s your day going?”

10:05 a.m.

“I can’t wait to see you again! Miss u.”

As humorous as it was to have her set these ground rules of no communication but every few days and to hear from her every day since, I was too damn flattered to joke around with her about it because I was afraid she would get self-conscious and stop so I decided to let Anya’s heart dictate her communication which never surprised me that it did. Anya was all heart. More heart than I could ever be. When I thought she couldn’t make me feel better about who I was, she made me feel even more so. As the days came closer to our second meeting at my place, just ten days later, and just one day away, she hit me with my greatest fear from the first meeting, and now seeing her again was in jeopardy once more.

January 14, 2008

9:40 a.m.

“Good morning! Hard to believe it’s only been one week since I last saw you. Love, I have to tell you I’m coming down with something. I’m doing everything I can to fight it. Ran this morning and thought I was going to lose it! I even have a cold sore. The first time I’ve had one in 5 years! So I’m afraid I can’t kiss you too. This is your chance to bow out babe.”

ME: “Good morning! See, this is what I was afraid of. I’m so sorry you got sick. No doubt it was from me. I’d love to still see you even with a cold sore if you’re feeling well enough of course, but if you’re not feeling up for coming by I’d totally understand. Your health is the most important thing here.”

ANYA: “I’m up for it! Just wanted to give you the heads up. I miss u.”

ME: “I miss u too. Hope you feel better. Let me know if you need anything or if there’s anything I can do.”

ANYA: “Okay, love. Thank you.”

No doubt I was bummed out about Anya not feeling well enough to possibly not coming by. Her visit helped get me through the hectic work week, but at the same time, I felt terrible I had gotten her sick. Before I went to bed that evening, I psyched myself out for the next day’s disappointment I would feel if she was too sick to show. I had taken the day off so I concentrated on the things I’d do if she didn’t stop by such as cleaning my apartment, something I’d normally put off until the weekend, which only made the whole day ahead of me seem that more depressing. When I woke up the next morning, half asleep I grabbed my cell phone to text her with hope in my heart.

6:22 a.m.

“Good morning! About the same. I’m worried about getting you sick. Are you sure you want me around? I’m contagious! I missed you last night.”

ME: “Only if you’re feeling well enough to. I’m impervious so don’t worry about me. I’d love to see you.”

ANYA: “Impervious, we’ll see about that! I sure hope you are my love! Ok I can’t wait to see you! Do you want to do anything in particular? Should I wear flat shoes in case we go for a walk?”

ME: “We can go for a walk through the complex…it’s quite scenic during the day. I’ve never really ventured through it before but we could both experience it for the first time together.”

ANYA: “That sounds like fun babe. I can be there at 10. Is that okay?”

ME: “10 in the morning sounds great! Please drive safely.”

ANYA: “I will. See you soon!”

I really didn’t expect her to feel well enough to visit, but that was the difference between this relationship and my prior relationships as things seemed to always find a way of working out for us, and the circumstances of this one should have dictated the opposite, but I was now clearly under a different sun and in a totally opposite galaxy than the one I was in before as I learned when two people are truly in love with each other, the uncertain always found a way to morph into the assured.

Seeing Anya was a celebratory event especially after we confessed our love for each other. I had a couple of hours before she visited so I played her CD’s and even sang some of the songs while I was readying my place to be Anya acceptable. I was excited to see her again much like a six year old child on Christmas morning, a feeling I thought died when I learned there was no Santa Claus. She was like having a fifth artery that allowed more oxygen and blood to my heart, and I could feel this extra burst of life inside every time I knew I would see her; a feeling I believed existed, much like it is to skydive without having done it and not knowing the exact feeling of exhilaration and adrenaline associated with it before the jump. I had no idea what we would talk about or do during her visit, there would be no board games on display this time around, but the spontaneity of her coming by, even though it was planned, made the day more fascinating and after thirty-seven years, I could now say my life had meaning.

At ten a.m. sharp I received my “here” text from her and I had to pinch myself upon the realization after a ten day wait I’d see her again in less than a minute. Through Anya, I learned how love should feel if it ever came under question, whether that was called the “measuring stick”, or the “barometer” I wasn’t quite sure, but I knew I was in love whenever I counted down the hours and minutes until our eyes met again. I knew I couldn’t kiss her because of her cold sore, and I really looked forward to that, but I also knew at least our eyes would touch again.

When I made my walk to the front gate, unlike the last time, the sun shone brightly upon all the sprawling trees, flowing flowers and fluttering life around me. I had never really taken in the ambiance that surrounded my apartment complex before even though it was greatly advertised to me when I decided to live here, but today made it easy to get lost in, and it was nice to share its beauty with the most beautiful person I had ever known. As I approached the gate, this time she faced me and waved excitedly with her expansive white smile. After I opened the gate, what stood before me and then came rushing into my arms was the most stunning sight I had yet to see in thirty-seven years. I hugged her tightly, and breathed her in for as long as I could before I had to pull her away before she knew how greatly attracted to her I was.

“You look absolutely stunning.” I said.

Anya, in a thin blue long sleeved top and tight white pants suddenly became bashful as she put her head down, grabbed my right hand with both of hers, put her gorgeous long layered dark hair under my chin and buried her face into my right shoulder.

“I’m so happy to see you.” she said. “I missed you so much.”

“Me too.” I asked, kissing the top of her head. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m feeling better now.” she replied, holding onto my hand tighter.

“Hey… wait a minute.”

“What?”

“Where’s this cold sore you’ve been talking about?”

“Oh shush. You don’t see it babe? It’s right here.” she claimed, the pointing to a small red dot on her upper left lip.

“You look just as beautiful with a cold sore.” I told her, gently kissing her cheek. “If you never pointed it out I would never have known it was there.”

“You’re too sweet, babe…it’s there though.”

“I see that…” I paused. “Now.”

“I wasn’t late, was I?”

“Late? Not at all.”

“Oh good. I thought I may have been.” She told me, shaking her head. “My husband stayed home from work this morning which was strange.”

“Oh. Did he say anything to you when you left the house?” I replied, further taking notice of how nice she looked.

“No…he just looked me up and down then went back to reading his Wall Street Journal.”

“He didn’t even ask you where you were going?”

“No.” She answered without any emotion. “Not that he ever cares but it was just odd he was there this morning.”

The more Anya told me about her husband, the more questions I seemed to have about him and how I compared. I knew it was too soon for us to be together simply because I wanted to get my house in order for her and the kids. I knew we would be okay but now wouldn’t present the best scenario. I knew there were consequences ahead of me for dating Anya, and I prepared myself for him finding out about us even though I was unsure how I would handle it when it came about, but I figured since he cheated on her as often as he did he wouldn’t put up much of a fight based on what Anya had shared with me. Concerns about her husband though, as far as what he was thinking, were hard to ignore even though I felt I was prepared for the possibility of him learning who I was.

When Anya and I were finally inside my apartment and the door was closed we started to embrace as I was greeted by a sense of safety when I closed my apartment door and I knew it was just us. It wasn’t a physical safety but rather an emotional safety as I felt if I had died in the next five seconds I would exit this world the happiest man alive. While in a state that could only be described as one of pure delirium, I instinctively decided to open up about something I probably should have kept hidden; however she just had a way of naturally bringing me out of me.

“I feel like King Kong right now.” I said.

“The monster movie?”

“Well, I’d like to think of it as more of a love story than a monster movie.” I replied while holding her in my arms then looking into her eyes. “Have you seen it?”

“Yes…years ago. The old black and white version.” she informed me with a look of amusement.

“I know it sounds kind of strange I would reference that movie out all movies.” I tried to explain. “But you know the story, right?”

“Yes, but why would you feel like King Kong? You’re not a monster, my love.”

“There’s this one scene in the latest version when he’s holding the girl he loves in his hand, and they find themselves both sitting there gazing at each other on top of the Empire State Building, with the beautiful New York City sunrise as their backdrop, as if they were in the heavens.” I tried to explain, with a wild heart making itself known inside me. “It’s such a beautiful peaceful scene…it’s as if you could hear both their hearts beating in unison and as one. It’s a moment no one could ever take away from them. It’s forever theirs…even after the planes come. Like this moment now with you. I know we’re surrounded by a refrigerator, a sink, a stove, a couch and a recliner, but you’re so beautiful to me that when I look into your eyes all I see is that same New York City sunrise. You make my place seem like it’s the most beautiful place to be on earth, like we’re lost in the heavens right now…and even though I know what’s coming when you leave, and how the world will steal away what we have at this time, I also know this moment together can never be taken away from us no matter what… because it happened.”

“You sure have a way of making me look at things differently.” She told me, a look of awe in her eyes. “I believe we’re just two really nice people who have fallen in love.”

“I would have to agree…finally.”

“Finally?”

“Finally being a nice guy pays off.” I smiled. “It’s good to know someone appreciates that quality about me.”

“I do.”

“Did you want to go for a walk around the complex…it’s quite picturesqueski.”

“Picturesqueski my love?”

“Picturuesque…I meant. I don’t know where I got picturesqueski from.”

“I love you.” She told me while flashing her white teeth before burying her head into my chest with laughter.

“Glad you still do.” I responded, kissing her on top of her head. “Love you, too.

As we headed hand in hand downstairs out of my apartment and downstairs where nature awaited to greet us, I thought about how all my struggles led me to this moment of sheer happiness. To me, this was what life was all about; hand in hand with a person I not only loved but absolutely adored. It was bizarre hearing someone tell me “I love you.” but with Anya it felt so natural and saying it, even more so. No fear of judgment, but rather sanctity in its expression.

As much as I wanted to kiss her, and how insignificant her cold sore was to me, it didn’t matter… because I was with her, and if I could have picked any place on earth I’d rather be and upon my choice be instantly transported there, I would have chosen my apartment with Anya. There was no world that existed outside of us whenever she was near and I had never felt that nor believed love could be that strong even with all my dreaming about it.

“It’s really gorgeous here.” Anya commented as we walked along the pathways.

“Isn’t it?” I smiled, happy to know she liked where I lived. “Uh oh! Look out! Duck!”

“What?” Anya responded, lowering her head and covering it with her hands.

“Duck, babe. Duck.” I said, pointing out a mother duck crossing our path along with her babies in tow.

“Oh my God.” she said, placing her head against my chest. “You got me.”

“Sorry, I couldn’t resist.”

“Awww. They’re so cute!”

“I had no idea there were ducks here.”

“Do you like animals?” she inquired, her eyes more beautiful than all we were surrounded by.

“I love animals. Wish I could get a dog, but the apartment complex doesn’t allow them here.”

“That’s too bad. I have a dog. Her name is Suki. She’s a Yorkie. She’s just a little thing.”

“How old is she?”

“She’s only twenty-one.”

“Only twenty-one?” I replied, incredulously. “She’s still alive?”

“Twenty one dog years babe.”

“Oh!” I replied, a bit embarrassed. “I knew that.”

After that last statement, Anya stepped away from me, put her hands on her hips, and tilted her head sideways while her lips formed a ‘you didn’t just say that’ smirk.

“You know what was so nice for me?” she said ending her pause as we continued our walk along a small bridge over a lively large pond full of orange and white Koi.

“What’s that?” I asked before stopping to face her when we reached the middle of the bridge.

“To finally tell you “I love you” in person.” she stated, her wonderous dark eyes gazing into mine. “I feel bad sending it over text fearing it didn’t carry as much weight.”

“I know what you mean but I love hearing it from you even if it’s over text. You know the funny thing is I woke up this morning and you were the first thing on my mind and I had to pinch myself and say, “yep, no question I’m in love.” It’s just different for me being alone for so long and never having it reciprocated. The real crazy thing about it is this though…do you remember asking me if I had been in love before?”

“I remember everything.” she told me.

“Do you remember what my response was?”

“You told me you had been in love before by telling me you had your heart broken before.”

“I have to say now. Knowing how love truly feels and not only from hearing you say it but feeling it every time you do. I have never been in love before until now.”

“Really?”

“I had no idea what love was until now, and I’m not telling you that because I expect you to feel the same, I know you are married and at one time you were greatly in love with someone else, but I just have never been lucky enough to feel this in my life.”

“I’ve only told three people before you that I love them but you’re the first man I’ve

said that to since my husband, and it’s been a long time, over seven years, since I’ve told him that.”

The tale has been illicitly lifted; should you spot it on Amazon, report the violation.

“He tells you he loves you all the time?”

“He does but I never say it back. He knows how I feel.”

“Do you feel he says it to see your reaction to it more than he actually means it?”

“I do.” she said. “The only real thing about it is the annoyance factor inside me when he does say it.”

“I’m sure it makes you feel a little sick after what he’s done.”

“Yes.” she affirmed. “Whenever you say it to me babe, it makes me feel sooo amazing.”

“I wasn’t expecting that. You have me curious now.”

“About what?”

“Is your husband wheelchair bound or something?”

“Ha! What?” She responded with surprise. “Well, he is twelve years older than me but he’s not crippled babe. He’s actually in really good shape. Why would you ask me that?”

“I don’t know. I guess it’s hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact you’re so in love with me. I’m not questioning it at all…it’s just I think you could have any man you want and I’m really just a normal guy. I don’t think I’m all that. So I guess it makes me curious how I compare with him.”

“I won’t lie to you. He’s tall and really good looking.” she said. “He was very popular when I met him and still is, and always had lots of women who wanted to be around him.”

“Sounds like a celebrity.”

“Oh, he’s not a celebrity, but I guess you could say he had that kind of status.” She stated. “Most women are drawn to men like that. Especially young women who don’t know any better or what they’re getting into.”

“I see.” I replied, feeling a sudden sense of insecurity.

“He told me he actually prefers blondes over brunettes…” She stated matter of factly. “and he’s proven that to me during the marriage.”

“Well, it’s good to know he’s not the superficial type.” I commented. “How do you guys behave at home? Do you get along for the most part?”

“We don’t fight—we live like roommates. There’s no passion there at all.”

“I understand…you have to put your differences aside for the kids I’m sure.”

“Yes.”

“You know Anya, I hope you know, if I liked your husband as your husband, I wouldn’t be in your life.”

“I know.”

“I don’t need to tell you how I feel about him, but I hope you know my disdain for what he put you through is strictly limited to him being your husband, and not at all being a father. I respect the family unit aspect of your marriage with him, just not the marriage. Does that make sense?”

“It does. Thank you.”

I didn’t want to go into a diatribe about her husband. Our love wasn’t about him being a bad father, but about him being a bad husband. I wanted to make sure she understood that. I didn’t hate the man at all, and I didn’t have the capacity inside to hate anyone. I could hate what people do in life, but I could never hate a person, but I just didn’t like him as her husband. Even though I knew she loved me, I also knew I would need extra assurance after what she just told me about him because I had lingering low self-esteem issues that just didn’t go away overnight, but I also trusted her. I was in too deep not to, but my own shortcomings would creep in at times. I guess I expected and hoped to hear he wasn’t a really good looking man or something else altogether. Her “We live like roommates” statement made me feel much more secure as it reminded me of my mother and father’s marriage, and they lived like roommate without any infidelities. It was also nice to find out he wasn’t wheelchair bound though as I felt I was at least a step up from that. “You make me feel something I had never felt before with my husband.” she said as if she knew what I was thinking. “I have never been so in love with anyone before the way I am with you.”

“Wow. That means a lot to me.” I said as I looked into her eyes as my face reflected back at me in them.

“It’s the truth babe.” she said. “I love you more than I had ever loved anyone.”

“We haven’t made love yet though so how could you be so sure?”

“Well, all these feelings I have for you tells me why I’m sure.”

“I’m glad you’re getting it.” I said, hugging her tightly before kissing her again on the top of her head.

“Hey babe. I got a question.” she asked abruptly while backing away against the wooden railing of the bridge to face me.

“Sure.”

“What are we?”

“What are we? What do you mean?” I chuckled, cautiously.

“I mean I love you…but I can’t be your girlfriend right now.”

“Hmmm. I guess that would be tough.”

“Yes.”

“So, we’re looking for a title.” I joked.

“It would be nice.”

“I’m going to have to think about that one since this is a little on the wild side for me.”

“For me, too.”

“I know you can’t technically be my girlfriend because of the situation, but I’m going to treat you like you are my girlfriend. I don’t want to date anyone else. I think our love commands that kind of faithfulness otherwise our love would be greatly disrespectful.” I calculated, carefully. “I’ve been out there for years; there is nothing like this and when you have what we have, you would be a fool to do anything to ruin it. Even though you can’t be my girlfriend, I’m still going to be the best boyfriend you ever had.”

“Are you sure, babe?” She asked with an apprehensive tone.

“Of course, I’m sure. I’m in love with you.”

After I spoke, she walked slowly into my arms and laid her head upon the middle of my chest, as if to listen to my heartbeat. For the next three minutes we just held each other on the bridge without the need to say a word as we got lost in the tranquility around us.

“Do you know what my dream is?” she said.

“What’s your dream?”

“To get all dressed up in my black cocktail dress for a night on the town with you.”

“To be out in public with me?”

“That’s my dream.” she confirmed. “That doesn’t sound like too much to ask for does it?”

“Not at all.” I said almost drawn to tears by the beauty of her thoughts. “That sounds like a really simple dream to me.”

“I think you’ll come to see I’m just a simple girl.” she said. “A simple girl hoping and wishing for a simple life.”

What felt like only twenty minutes, Anya stayed with me from ten in the morning to two-thirty that afternoon. It would end up being her longest visit to my place. After we spent nearly two hours on the small bridge over the pond as ducks waddled and koi splashed around below us as if to synchronize our happiness, we decided to go back inside my apartment a little after twelve thirty with every intention to eat, but we were just so excited to be with other that our appetites remained incognito. For the next two hours we poked fun at world events and other things we enjoyed about our lives, but we always circled back around to how happy we were to be in love and how its foreign nature lent to its unbelievability. She even brought pics of her kids for me to see as both appeared well mannered and kept, and I could imagine the pride her and her husband must had felt in them, which hurt only in the sense that I wish they were ours. Regardless, and strangely, I felt connected to them because Anya had shared their lives in detail with me during her visit and when she did, I knew she trusted me immensely. I felt like not only was my job now to protect Anya, but her children as well and it made me fall that much deeper in love with her. As I walked her out, hand in hand, and before she exited through the front gate, she reached inside her purse and handed me two CD’s of more songs she had burned. She then gave me a long hug goodbye as it seemed she was feeling better now from her sickness and me, well…I had never had felt better in the entire thirty-seven years of my life.

3:10 p.m.

“Made it home. Had a great time! Miss you already!”

I would never contemplate seeing someone in this situation as this circumstance never provided an element of fun for me; only the person I loved provided that. I would have much rather preferred her to be single so we could see each other more frequently therefore the missing would be less severe. It had to take someone extremely special for me to consider this as I respected all relationships very much, but Anya was simply everything I looked for in someone minus her situation, and I wanted desperately to save her from a lifetime of unhappiness. I’m not saying I knew her darkness, but I knew my own, as I felt she was too lovely of a person to go through it forever alone, and when you’ve been in the darkness for as long like as I had, it’s good to have someone who has been through it before to hold your hand and lead you to the light.

I tried to put myself in her husband’s shoes. They say a man is only as faithful as his options however I feel if you truly loved someone, you would remain faithful no matter how many options you had. If I had “celebrity” status and was surrounded by constant temptation I would just never get married. When you get married you are telling that person I don’t want anyone else ever again; you are the only one for me, but it seemed like in his case he wanted to fool the masses. The more I thought about how Anya believed he lost interest because she put on weight from her pregnancy, the more I felt he appeared to be a man of superior arrogance and fulfilled by no one else but himself in life. Ninety-nine percent of the time, in any extramarital affair, I honestly would side with the man especially after my past struggles with understanding women, but after I heard he cheated on her while she was pregnant, with another married woman no less, it was impossible for me not to take her side and want to see her with a better person who brought out the best in her as it seemed a man’s character was more important to Anya now than his social status.

The unbelievable thing about being in love with Anya was that not less than two months ago I was bummed out about Lexi. I believed if people knew how good of a person she really was and how happy we made each other; they would understand our love and the very nature of our relationship. Sometimes in life, you have to destroy the straight and narrow path just to survive in today’s world, and I thought people would eventually see the beauty in that over time. As much as I despised her husband for putting her through a lot of pain that she tried to justify by falsely believing marriages were unrealistic, if I could erase his infidelities I would just because I would have wanted to see her happy in life. In fact, I would rather to have not met her at all if it meant she would be happy, but her destiny created a road that led right to me, and even though I know dealing with her husband could be difficult, I also felt armed with my love for Anya I would be able to find a way to work things out.

After Anya had left I began to listen to one of the CD’s she burned for me. “Patience” by Guns n’ Roses was the first song to greet my ears, a song I hadn’t heard in years but now suddenly meant something. The things she told me today I just couldn’t get out of my mind. The beautiful thought of just simply wanting to get dressed up in a cocktail dress to go out in public with me I found to be the greatest compliment I had ever received. Anya was also always so thoughtful and polite to me. Everything I told her was always met with the deepest sincerity in her eyes as they told me if it was important enough for me to tell her, it was important enough for her to absorb it all. She could have easily been the biggest prude on the planet too, yet she always treated me as her equal, as if she knew it bothered me greatly when people made me feel inferior to them; as if she knew me my entire life. I had never met a woman who was more made for me, more in tune with me, and if we did get married one day, I knew our marriage would no doubt last longer than her current one and beyond this dimension. I was also aware she might be worried about my ability to be in a long-term relationship because of my history but the lengths of my relationships were never really my choice. She might even think that if she wasn’t married my interest level wouldn’t be so high, but she couldn’t be more wrong about something in her life. If she was single I’d want to see her everyday like I do now not only because I’m hugely attracted to her but because I had so much fun just hanging out and talking with her about anything and everything. I had never said I needed someone in my life to anyone…ever…nor have I ever felt like I needed someone but saying I miss you no longer felt obligatory; when I said I missed Anya, I truly missed her. She had made me passionate about breathing again.

I was on such a high from the day I needed to get out of the house. My apartment made me feel lonely now whenever she left, so I decided to go visit my parents. I tried to visit at least once a week but since I met Anya, the last time I had been by was Christmas Day which was about three weeks ago. I had not told my parents about Anya. If we ended up together, I wanted her to have a clean slate with both of them, especially my old-fashioned father who would never understand. He was fortunate enough to grow up in a world that was a much better and simpler place back in the fifties, however I still felt bad for my parents because of how much the world had changed and how much it disconnected them from it. I knew one day it would eventually do the same to me, so I tried to be sensitive, but no doubt I’m sure the world would have been much kinder to the desires of my heart if I had grown up in my parents time period. People were just better people. There was no sensationalism back then; only a few television stations. They showed wholesome shows. The world just cultivated better people but as the television shows increased, the revenue rose and capitalism grew until it became all that truly mattered. Needless to say, I had absorbed myself in it willingly but unwittingly and I thought the people who disparaged it were just jealous or crazy. Now that I was older I saw how much it had taken love away from the masses and created a world of questionable behaviors with little to zero accountability. It was hard not to admire my parents for the people they were and to be jealous of the time period they grew up in because it was almost virtually impossible to be a good person in a now entirely corrupt society.

Even though I didn’t plan on telling either of my parents about Anya, I wrestled with the idea of telling my mother about her because she was not as judgmental as my father. I knew if I explained it to her she would understand even if she wasn’t supportive which I didn’t expect her to be at all. I hated to keep things from my mother. She was my truest friend, and I felt I was letting her down by keeping it from her. I know it would shock her if she knew. My parents didn’t raise me to date someone who was married, but again, it’s a different world from the one they were a part of. I was more fearful, knowing how she worries, that she would worry about my safety if her husband found out. I know she would also worry about their kids as my mom seemed to always put the weight of the world on her shoulders even if she didn’t know the person. I also tussled greatly with my mother possibly not having grandchildren out of this. My mom understood I would probably have kids that weren’t my own because I was older now and there were many single mothers out there. I had never been opposed to dating single mothers, in fact, I preferred them because they were out of the fake party scene, and were looking to be part of a solid family unit. I had no fear of being a step father as I felt I would be one kids could look up to. Again, another reason I couldn’t hate Anya’s husband was because I’d have to get along with him for the sake of their kids. At any rate, a lot of things could happen if my mom knew about Anya.

I strongly believed Anya needed to be with someone who made her a better person, and a woman who felt compelled to fall in love with someone outside her marriage in my eyes was simply an unwell person within the marriage. I felt it was important that she was well again so her well-being could be intact for her kids as her happiness was every much as important as the happiness of her children. I felt if Anya was happier and released from the stranglehold of a philandering husband, that this joy would be reflected back on her kids, but I also knew if I had to push Anya to leave her husband for anything, she would have to do it for herself, not for me or anyone else. I knew we weren’t there yet but that was my thinking, and in this situation you had to think two chess moves ahead. When I arrived at my parent’s home I could hear “Sleepless in Seattle” playing loudly in my mother’s room, and when I opened the door, she instantly jumped off the bed where she sat to hug me.

“Landy! What are you doing here? What a surprise!”

“I thought I would come visit. It’s been a few weeks.”

“Sit down.” she said as she began to move some un-ironed shirts from the recliner they covered. “Watch “Sleepless in Seattle” with me.”

“I really have to get you off this “Sleepless in Seattle” addiction. Maybe they have a treatment center in the area for this sort of thing.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Never mind. I’ll just watch it for the, oh I don't know, ten thousandth time with you.”

“We can watch the “Golden Girls” if you want? Oh wait. "Third Rock from the Sun" is on I think too!”

“Sleepless in Seattle works.” I said quickly.

“So why are you here?” she asked. “It’s a Tuesday. Aren’t you working?”

“I took a personal day off.”

“Oh, that’s nice.”

“Yes...very nice.”

I suddenly felt and heard my phone vibrate in my pocket, and instinctively I quickly pulled it out to see Anya had left me a text message.

7:37 p.m.

“How’s my King Kong? I miss u”.

I then started to laugh when I read it and responded back to tell her I was visiting with my mom.

“Who’s that?” she asked.

“Oh, just my friend.”

“Is it a girl?”

“It might be.”

“It might be my butt! What’s going on Landy?”

“What’s going on? What do you mean?”

“Oh I don’t know. You come by on a Tuesday evening...something you never do. You’re smiling and laughing like I had never seen.” she stated. “There’s no other explanation for it. You have a girlfriend.”

I looked at my mother with her wide eyes and huge smile as I could see the excitement and happiness shine through on her face. I began to grapple with the idea of telling her who Anya was and why I had been swept away by a feeling so foreign to me I had lost belief in its existence. Maybe she needed to know her son was happy and why he was? I hated to look her inthe eye and lie to her. I hated to hide things from her. We could share and talk about most things, but I was uncertain if this was sharable.

“Well, I don’t really have a girlfriend.” I explained. “More like a girlfriend in waiting.”

“Hah? A girlfriend in waiting? What’s that?”

“I…forget it. I shouldn’t have mentioned anything.”

“It must have been important if you mentioned it. You can tell me.”

“Mom.”

“Yes?”

“Could you promise me one thing?”

“Sure.”

“Could you please keep an open mind if I tell you?”

“Okay. What is it?”

“Remember that girl I dated a little over a month ago, the week after Thanksgiving?”

“The one I told you “you never know”?”

“That’s the one.”

“You’re with her now?”

“I’ve actually been with her for nearly two months. We decided to start seeing each other that night. So, as unexpected as it was to me, you were right.”

“See! Landy! I knew it!”

“I know, but there’s something I need to explain to you about our relationship. It’s a little bit complicated.”

“It’s a girl…right honey? You’re not…you know. Not that I would care because I love you but your father…I don’t know…he would have a hard time accepting that.”

“I’m not gay Mom!” I laughed; a bit irritated. “What would make you think that? I told you it was a girl.”

“You never know these days…girls have ‘wee wees’ now you know.”

“Well, sorry to disappoint you, but this girl isn’t a hermaphrodite so there goes your dream of visiting Chicago to see me on the Jerry Springer show.”

“Well then what is it?” she asked with concern etched on her face.

“Mom, you need to know at least this much before I tell you.”

“What do I need to know?”

“You need to know that I am the happiest I have ever been in my life.” I exclaimed. “No woman has ever made me feel this good before. My personal life is now a ten whereas before it was a zero. I’m doing extremely well in life because of it. I’m even staying out of bars now. I am no longer depressed and sad over my past failures with women; in fact it almost feels like they never existed. Having her in my life has given me a clean slate. For the first time I feel I am blessed. That the curse has ended.”

“I can see the difference in you.” She remarked. “It’s why I asked.”

“Thank you.”

“What’s the problem though? Why is it complicated?”

“Unfortunately, Mom.” I said, anticipating immediate remorse. “Unfortunately, she’s married.”

“What? Landy no. Not you.” she answered, shaking her head in disbelief. “You’re not a homewrecker.”

“Can I please explain some things before you rush to judgment?” I cut off. “I want to tell you about her situation…it’s not what it appears.”

“She’s married Landyn. How else could it appear?”

“By a piece of paper Mom. A piece of paper that binds her to someone else.” I fired back fiercely. “Marriages should be bound by the heart.”

“Does she have any children?”

“She has two.”

“She still loves her husband Landyn. She’s had children with him. They will always have that bond.”

“I understand they will always have that bond, but the one thing I’m confident about is that she doesn’t love him.” I double downed. “He has cheated on her several times. Once when she was pregnant with her son with another married woman, and another time even after that.”

“How could you be so sure she is telling you the truth about him? How do you know he cheated on her?”

“Because I met her back in June and walked away from her because she was married, but I ran into her again in November, nearly six months later. When I asked her the same questions to see if she was lying, she told me the exact same thing.” I explained. “There’s no doubt in my mind Mom she’s not lying. That I’m sure of.”

“I don’t think this is a good thing Landy. I’m sorry, but this is not good. I could never support it because of the children.”

“Mom, you know me better than anyone. You raised a man who is not only respectful of women but respectful of relationships as well. You know what I have gone through with the girl I met on the cruise. You know how much I never wanted to put myself in a position to be hurt ever again. You have to trust me on this one. The girl, her name is Anya by the way, is a very good person. She has been hurt by someone who promised to God and family to be faithful to her for a lifetime, in sickness and in health until death do they part. This man has hurt her so badly she explored a love she could count on outside her marriage. What’s her crime? How could God even judge her for that after she was promised love and crushed? If this man would cheat on her when she was pregnant what if she was sick, heaven forbid, with a disease and lost her breast? Who would love her then? If our relationship was about lust more than love then I can understand you trying to talk me out of it, but we’re talking about love mom; loving another human being who truly needs it. How could you deny air to someone if you knew they needed it to survive for not only themselves but for others around them? She hasn’t been breathing for the last ten years of her marriage because of the things this man has done. Do you know he was thirty-eight, almost my age, when he made the decision to cheat on her? I mean, my God, how could he not know better at that age? If there is a God, how could He be against our love knowing that? Doesn’t she deserve something more? Something real? Something she could rely on to always be there? I could understand if I was just in this for kicks but I’m not. You know how my heart works. I truly care for her. I want to see her happy. I believe if she were happy it would be a good thing, not a bad thing. Wreck a home? Mom, he wrecked the home years ago with the decisions he made to cheat on her. When he made a joke of her kind heart that left her numb. How does this man get a free pass all because of a piece of paper? If this was any kind of other situation, if he had been faithful and I decided to fall in love with her then shame on me. Even if he hadn’t been faithful and she had told me she still loved him and wanted to make things work and I still went into this, I’d understand your judgments about it, but you have to trust me on this one. I am aware in the eyes of the world, they are married, but in the eyes of God, if there is one, this marriage is over. That’s why I’m here otherwise I would never be.”

“Honey, I’m your mother. I worry about you.” She responded with a gentler more understanding tone. “I can’t support it because I’m worried about you even though she may be an angel in your life. She’s a mother and she’s unavailable right now, and you’re in love with her even if she isn’t in love with her husband. I want the best for you Landy. I can’t support what I don’t believe is the best for my son.”

“I understand. I know that and I appreciate that. Just please don’t rush to judgment about her. She’s an extremely kind wonderful person who adores your son. That’s something

your son has never had, and just doesn’t come around every day. You have to understand how long it has taken me to find this. Something that may never com e around again.”

“Why is she still with him if he’s so horrible?”

“She’s still with him because she is afraid no one will be there for her if she left.” I explained. “She’s still there out of fear, not out of love.”

“What if this doesn’t work out? I know how hard it was for you with the other one.”

“I’m a lot stronger now. If it doesn’t work out I’ll get through it.” I said to ease her worries.

“What if the husband finds out and tries to hurt you?”

“First off, I don’t think he loves his wife enough to care, and if he did it would sound pretty hypocritical to me. I’m not sure exactly what he does but I can tell you he’s very well off,

he has a business and two kids so I think he has too much to lose to come after me. Please don’t worry about that. That’s the last thing I’m worried about. He doesn’t seem like that type of person.”

“I would advise you not to tell your father about this.” She advised. “You know how he is.”

“I have no plans to.” I laughed.

“Would you be willing to help raise her kids?”

“I would love them like they were my own.”

“How soon would she leave if she does?”

“I would think maybe in a year? I would like to make partner before she does so the kids would come into an environment that makes them feel secure. I don’t think the one bedroom apartment is going to fly well with them. I need to buy a home, and I have money saved for that once the market drops back down.”

“That’s a good idea.”

“I think so. I’m not jumping into this blindly. I really care about her and I want her to have a love she can believe in. I think we’ll be okay and I think things will work out the way they are meant to.”

“Just don’t be a typical guy. Be patient and understanding.”

“I will.”

“Well, I hope this works out for you and I can meet her one day, as long as it doesn’t come at the price of hurting her children.”

“Do you think being with a guy like me could really hurt her children?”

“It’s just that they don’t know you Landy and they aren’t going to pick you over their father.”

“I wouldn’t expect them to nor want them to. I would just hope they understand that mom and dad are better people with people who makes them happy. Then maybe when they get older, they will have a shot at their own happiness, and not have to go through what their parents have.”

“It’s not easy for kids to see that honey.”

“I know I have my work cut out for me, but I do dream about being a part of their life one day. I would like it to be amicable between us so we could both work together for their best interests hopefully with the understanding of how much I love their mother.”

“Well, if you love her, I know I will.” She announced. “Not that I support this because of my fears, you’re my son, but I know your heart is always in the right place. It would be nice to have some grandkids one day.”

“It’s a dream of mine for you two to meet one day. Just please don’t worry about me. I’ll be okay either way. There’s nothing to worry about. We’re just two nice people who fell in love and we’re going to see if we can make it last forever otherwise I wouldn’t be in this situation at all.”

“Okay Honey. Thanks for telling me. It’s at least good that I know.”

“I hope so.” I replied, full of regret.

I skirted around her “grandkids” comment to avoid the issue for now. I could see her having a hard time understanding that I probably wouldn’t have any kids and she might blame Anya for it. My mother knew I always wanted children, but now I wanted Anya more and it was that simple. I felt if I was meant to have kids, I would have had them by now as I believed they were no longer in the cards for me. I also didn’t want to bring a child into this world and worry about them going through the same bad experiences I had to go through. I had grown to know this world for the most part was a heartless place and how I found love in a realm of such lovelessness was a miracle. All I truly needed was her love. It’s all I wanted and I wouldn’t be more blessed in this life if I had it. Having Anya in my life was equivalent to having several kids. I felt sad to disappoint my mother but it’s my life, and I had to live it even when she’s gone. I would have loved to have a kid by now, but God couldn’t bring one decent available loving unselfish woman in thirty-six years that I had feelings for into my life. Sure, he brought me things in nice packages, but they were pretty much all rotten on the inside. They had lied and never appreciated the fact I was a decent guy instead questioning my authenticity and judging me for things other than what really matters over the long-term. I now had met one who I absolutely adored, who loved me for all the right reasons, and who I loved to be around more than anyone in this world. She was sweet, polite, beautiful inside and out, full of love and she was in awe of me? How could that be when I was so much in awe of her considering how much she had struggled, how much she had loved only to be badly hurt by the person she trusted the most in this world, and how much loneliness she felt without being alone. We were basically the same person just a different sex. She had only given to me, never taken from me, and that was a love anomaly, a true love, the kind you never take for granted, the kind you should wait for and are completely entitled to in this life. I believed this world was entirely wrong and somehow, by not giving up on it, something right about it found me. Over time, I believed my mom would truly see all I did already.

After I visited with her for a couple of hours, on the drive home I decided to listen to the other CD Anya had given to me today. The one I listened to at home was a mixed CD, but the one I brought with me on my drive over were all songs by a singer named Michael Buble, who I had never heard before, but when I heard the words of the first song it was hard not to be moved knowing who gave me the opportunity to hear them.

“Here we are.

On earth together

It’s you and I

God has made us fall in love

It’s true.

I’ve really found

someone like you.”

When I heard the words, they left me speechless to see how a woman with this much beauty and love in her heart, enough to even think of burning this song for me, was left to deal with feelings of sadness instead of joy when she was pregnant and over the years before we met. It just broke my heart as I imagined her thoughts and the emptiness she felt for years. This empathy was foreign to me as I had never felt so in tune to the pain of someone else, but then again, I truly loved her as this feeling represented the ultimate measuring stick, above all others of truly being in love.

While listening to each song she burned for me, I had the revelation this relationship was now my destiny, feeling fated to die soon, if not physically then mentally, individually, upon realizing all that was on the line—that this love would be the death of me in some way. It was entirely possible no one would ever trust me again, and I would forever be judged by the ignorance of people who knew, but I couldn’t care because I felt I was no longer in control for I had completely fallen past the point of no return. This was who I was now, and quite frankly, who I had always been; bound by a love I could not only see but also feel. An all-consuming entity I couldn’t turn my back on because it would desecrate all I ever believed in and stood for as I knew without a doubt I had come upon the defining moment of my life.

As sure as these thoughts of Anya and I circulated in my head, my phone began to vibrate halfway through my journey back home—a text from her.

10:22 p.m.

“Are you there? I need to talk to you. It’s urgent. Please call me.”