“Loneliness is the ultimate poverty.”
~ Abigail Van Buren
As forever weighed in the balance on this warm Saturday evening, I stood right smack in the middle of the storm caught in a typhoon of thoughts. She wanted to come to me tonight. To be with me from this day forward and to begin our life together, but even with the prospect of the last of lonely nights upon me, my heart ached to know it would have only been right for two people. My mind then began to reel in the big one, her children, two innocent human beings who would not understand why she left them and who would reserve the right to hate her. As much as I wanted forever to begin and my suffering to end, nothing could have ever been more wrong in a relationship that felt so right. Anya was completely vulnerable tonight as I knew my next words held her future. My life, her life, the rest of forever was right before me, but unfortunately my bliss would affect the lives of others and make our love look awful in every sense of the word. Although I believed our love for each other was justified; the way in which it would reveal our relationship would ultimately doom us. As much as it pained me to do, I had to talk sense into her. Since I knew she was alone, I called her, and when she picked up on the first ring, I knew I made the right move.
“Hi baby.” she said sweetly.
“Hi Sweetheart.” I said as I gathered my thoughts. “You need to know this.”
“Okay.”
“Every day and every night before I fall asleep I fantasize of being woken up by the sound of my vibrating cell phone. To see the word “here” on my screen from you.” I said. “As much as it would make my life and mean everything to see that, if you were to run to me this way, no one would ever understand no matter how much we love each other. Sweetheart, nothing could be more wrong if you were to run. Your kids would never forgive you, and if I were to let you it would not be an act of love for you because of that alone. If you were to leave to be with me, you would have to do it the right way…or not at all.”
“I know babe.” she said as she started to whimper. “I just miss you so much.”
“Sweetheart, you don’t need to run though. I’m not going anywhere. Okay? I love you. So please relax. If things are meant to be we will be, but we have to do this the right way. If we’re courageous enough to have a relationship in this situation, then we should be courageous enough to face the people it would affect when the time is right. We owe them that. We owe our love that.”
“It’s just so hard sometimes…”
“Hey, we both know how hard it is on us. I know how you feel, but I have to push my pain aside if I care about your happiness because I want you to come into the best situation possible. You have two kids, and I have to make sure they’re going to be okay. If you do leave we’re going to be under a tremendous microscope and I need to be able to show them you’re going to be more than fine and so will your children. The only way I can do that is with patience, love and all the understanding in the world. The only reason I’m even doing it this way is because you told me you would not leave unless someone was there for you, and my biggest heartbreak would be to see you living life unhappily.”
“Thank you…but there’s been something on my mind. I don’t know how to tell you.”
Suddenly my stomach began to turn and I my hand started to shake as I held my phone to my ear. I felt like a patient who was about to get his cancer results back from the lab so I held my breath for a few seconds before I was courageous enough to ask.
“What is it?”
“I’ve been searching for a way to tell you this but I’m leaving for Spain in two weeks for ten days.”
“You’re going to Spain for ten days?” I laughed as I breathed a sigh of relief. “The hell you say! Why was that so hard for you to tell me?”
“Because I won’t be able to talk to you for ten days…and well, I didn’t know how that would make you feel.”
“What part of Spain? May I ask if it’s a family trip?” I asked bummed out about that part of her news.
“Barcelona. The kids are on Spring Break that week but they are staying home.” She said. “It’s a business trip with my husband.”
“Oh. I see. Okay.” I said.
“You’re not mad at me are you babe? It’s just something I have to do for business.”
“Of course not Sweetheart. It’s a business trip. I’m just bummed I won’t be able to talk to you for ten days. I haven’t gone a day without hearing from you for over three months. I love being in contact with you. You’re my peace and happiness. Hearing from you makes my day.”
“Hearing from you makes my day too.”
“So this is why you want to run. I’m sorry, I had no idea.”
“Yes, this…and other issues.”
“Sweetheart, please don’t ever be hesitant to tell me anything. I don’t want you to stress out over nothing. Remember if we aren’t honest with each other we don’t stand a chance even if it’s brutal honesty, I need to know whether it hurts me or not. This is just a business trip and I know you love me so please don’t think I’d be mad at you for something that puts food in the mouths of your children. I understand Beautiful. Is there anything else that’s troubling you?”
“No babe. That was it.”
“Don’t you feel better now?” I laughed.
“Yes, I do. I love you.”
“I love you too. Please get some rest Sweetheart.”
“Okay babe. Thank you. Goodnight.”
“Goodnight Beautiful.”
About two minutes after I hung up the phone, I received the following text.
11:19 p.m.
“I love you dearly. You are my soulmate.”
“My soulmate, I love you dearly too.” I responded with a huge smile on my face.
As I jettisoned back down to earth after I had gotten off the phone with her I felt a solemn sorrow when I realized ten Anyaless days would be murder on my heart. She’s been a staple in my everyday life and gave me something to look forward to; the one thing in this world that made it so livable for me. I lived without her for nearly thirty-seven years but I knew these ten days would feel at least that long.
The following Sunday afternoon, with the weight of Anya’s trip on my mind, I decided to visit my parents. Monday was my mother’s sixty-first birthday, a huge milestone considering she had beaten back Cancer twice. When I arrived at the house my father greeted me at the door as he was on his way to work at the park. It was impossible not to notice how the years had really aligned themselves on my father’s countenance. At sixty-five years old I guess that could be expected but compared to my mother, the difference was stark, but all the years in the sun, as it reflected off the water and from above when he worked on a boat had left its mark. As I looked at my father when he began to talk, I realized the high velocity and shortness of this life.
“Is mom inside?” I asked.
“She’s in her room.” he said. “Be careful, she just mopped the kitchen. I don’t know if it’s dry yet.”
“Okay, I’ll go through the den just in case.” I said but as I turned to look back at my Dad I saw his eyes were reddened as if he had been crying. “Is everything okay Dad?”
“Everything’s fine.” he said quickly. “I’m going to the park. I’ll be back in an hour.”
“Okay.” I said.
I always regretted my relationship with my father; that it wasn’t as good as it should have been. His arguments with my mother though, all the tears she cried, as I watched her sleep in a bed by herself made it difficult for me to get close to him. There was no doubt my father loved my mother, I just felt he didn’t respect her as much as he should have, and to me that was a form of love I rebelled against, and a reason I fought for Anya’s happiness. Arguments in the household were things I was used to and nothing I wanted in my marriage as I believed it better to agree to disagree, to have an open mind and to not feel a need to win a disagreement. Also, my father’s tactlessness in his critique of my life had weighed me down as it seemed if I had not been a CPA that he would have no use for me in his life. I worked hard every day to prove him wrong though as I was driven to prove I was a person of value in this world but I wasn’t going to act like a sheep to be accepted by it, and even though the life was good on the docks where he wanted me to work, I expected more from myself than what everyone else was doing. Money was not my master, but rather my servant, and I believed I chose the right career path even though it took some time to manifest itself and when I do make partner, my Dad would finally see why I sacrificed for so long and why I chose the path I did.
I walked in the backyard, through the back door, and into a long den that was next to my mother’s bedroom. As I walked inside I noticed she was engrossed in the movie “Terms of Endearment”. Since she didn’t see or hear me as I entered, I decided to tiptoe in her room and try to scare her, but before I could she sensed my presence and scared herself.
“Ahhhhhhhhhh!” she yelled. “You scared the crap out of me!”
This narrative has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. If you see it on Amazon, please report it.
“I didn’t even do anything!”
“Be still my beating heart.” she said as she patted herself lightly on her chest. “Will you make some noise or something to let me know you’re here?”
“I told you I was coming by.” I said as I held in my laughter.
“Yeah but I didn’t know what time!”
“What time is it now?”
“Two”
“I’m going to be here at two.”
“Oh geez, thanks for letting me know after you’re here.”
“Happy birthday Mom.” I said as I handed her a small light blue gift bag.
“Ooooh! What did you get me?” she said excitedly as she sifted through the tissue paper inside.
“I think you’ll like it.”
“A DVD! Something’s Gotta Give. Who’s in it?”
“Jack Nicholson and Diane Keaton. It’s a good movie. I’ve seen it a few times.”
“Ok, I’ll watch it tonight. Thank you Honey.”
“You’re welcome. Happy Birthday!”
“Oh…thank you, but it’s not much of a happy birthday for me this year to be honest.”
“Why would you say that?” I asked.
“Do you remember my friend, Carol?”
“The Energizer Bunny Carol.”
“Yes, that’s her.”
“What happened? Did you get in a disagreement with her at work?” I asked as my mother seemed to always get in little spats with her coworkers that were usually resolved by Monday.
“No, Landyn.” She said softly. “She died.”
“No. When did she pass?” I asked completely caught off guard by the news.
“This morning.”
“It didn’t seem like she was sick, I mean she was, but not enough to stop her from living a normal life.”
“Two weeks ago she found out the chemo was not working, and there was nothing more they could do for her. She decided to go off the treatments, and she was gone two weeks later.”
“What kind of cancer did she have?”
“Breast.” she said as her eyes met mine.
“I’m sorry to hear that Mom.” She said as I acknowledged the fear in her eyes. “She was an inspiring lady. To work as much as she did, to live a normal life through an illness like Cancer as if she didn’t even have it. She was the last person I thought would succumb to it. Is that why Dad looked like he may have been crying when I saw him?”
“He knows about her passing.” she stated. “but it looked like he was crying?”
“His eyes looked a little red. Maybe he just had something in his eye?”
“Maybe. I don’t know.” she sighed. “I got the results from my yearly exam yesterday.”
“And?”
“They found some lesions on my skull, Landy. Three of them.” she said. “It was surprising but I told your father it was nothing to worry about.”
“Nothing to worry about? Did the doctor tell you that?”
“They’re going to run some more tests on me next week. The doctors are optimistic. So am I.”
When I came by to visit, this was the last thing I thought I would be hearing. My mother’s friend, one who inspired her and helped her tremendously by just being the strong woman she was, had passed away. Then, if that wasn’t enough bad news, two days from her birthday no less, the doctors informed my mother they found lesions on her skull and they need to run tests on to determine if they’re cancerous. The thing that worried me about my mother was that she was just like her own mother, my grandmother, who never burdened any of her kids with the news she had three months to live. In fact, she didn’t have that long as she died suddenly one day much like Carol, almost a month after she was given her death sentence. My mother, just like her own mother, was a completely selfless person. She didn’t want to burden any of us nor took pity on herself. I feared she would not tell me anything as well and one day, like today, I’d show up at the house to devastating news. Seeing my Dad, who was as stoic as they come with reddened eyes, told me I had a reason to fear the worst.
“Mom.”
“Yes Honey?”
“You would tell me if things weren’t good right? I mean…you wouldn’t hide anything...like grandma did.” I asked. “I would want to know.”
“I would tell you.”
“Okay.”
“And so I’ll tell you this. Everything is fine and I’m fine. You just wait and see.”
“Good.” I said. “Things are finally going really well for the first time in my life. I need you to be okay.”
“Everything’s fine Landy. You’ll see. I’m not worried. Everything is fine.” she reassured me with a smile. “Can we watch this movie you got me together?”
“Of course. I’ll put away “Terms” for you.” I told her.
As I drove home that evening after I watched the entire movie with my mother who enjoyed her gift, my thoughts shifted from my beautiful day with Anya to my mother’s health. She had beaten Cancer twice; I mean certainly this was nothing…just a few lesions in her skull, and I’ve never heard of people dying from cancer of the skull before. Then I thought of Carol’s sudden passing, how precious and short life really was, and how this woman lived her days, even her last ones, as if they were anything but. I didn’t know her personally but she was an incredible woman to know she had a disease that would soon take her life, like so many others, but lived her life like losing it was an impossibility. Learning of her death was just as devastating to me as the news of my mother’s lesions because she gave my mother a great deal of hope, the most important thing anyone can have in life. That night I couldn’t sleep. I tossed. I turned. I was the Matrix within the sheets. I struggled with the death of my mother’s inspiration, I struggled with the fear of her test results, and I found it necessary to voice my feelings irately at the only person I held responsible for this, God. Why would He take people who were good on this earth away from it while allowing people who didn’t care about themselves or their lives thrive? Even though I questioned his existence, as any agnostic would do, I held him accountable for all that went wrong in my life, and for all the things that didn’t make any sense, in case he did exist.
The one constant thought though, that dominated all others was if Anya had Cancer. With all the stress she faced at home, I began to worry about her especially if she felt the desperation and anxiety so badly that her only remedy was to run away from it all. I then started to see how her words “I’d rather die than never have you in my life” could turn out to be prophetic and carried a poignant truth to them. I then started to feel sick to my stomach when I thought of her husband, the man who not only cheated on her several times even when she was pregnant, but also the man who told her he would trade her in for two twenty-year olds when she turned forty. He ran around on her when she was healthy so how long would it take for him to do it again if she had cancer and heaven forbid lost a breast? He cheated on her when she was pregnant, a time she needed him to be there the most yet he was taking care of his own needs instead. There was little doubt in my mind this selfishness would continue if she needed him again, and the more I thought of the potential of her being sick one day without being truly cared for, the more I tossed and turned in my bed.
The next morning, I was in a very negative state of mind. I slept an hour if I was lucky as all these possibilities piled up throughout the night, and I had a long day of work ahead of me with a couple of jobs that needed to be finalized that day. I agonizingly began to wish Anya was with me now, as I suddenly regretted not pushing her to leave that night. Even though I still believed she did the right thing by not running to me. I missed her dearly, and suddenly more than ever as I wanted her in my arms at that very moment, today and forever. As the fragility and rapidity of life invaded my mind; I became clingy and needy as I started to question my plans that put my patience to the ultimate test. I mean, was there really a perfect time for her to leave him? With all the stress I felt from yesterday, the worries I had for her future, and the fatigue that hit me this morning, I was not Landyn at all. I simply did not have it together anymore as I fell into pieces like rocks off a cliff into the ocean. I text Anya at ten in the morning in an ultra-sensitive state of mind as if the sun was shining directly in my eyes.
10:07 a.m.
“Sorry, busy morning. Packed and sent my son off to a week-long 5th grade camp. Just starting off the morn now. Slept well thanks. I’m fine baby, how r u?”
I was kind of surprised she hadn’t had her son packed on Sunday night especially for a week long camp, but she had communicated to me often how busy she was lately. I just wanted to know if she was okay though, and when she responded I felt a little more at ease.
11:01 a.m.
“Hi! Home office today. Just met with my gardener to plant for Spring. Hope you get the CD today. The 1st song is one of my faves. It’s called “Toda Una Vida.”
My sensitivity and low self-worth then kicked in as I wondered why she mailed me the CD instead of giving it to me directly. It left me to think she had no plans on visiting me before she left for Spain. After she almost ran to me, it hurt to know she had not made any plans yet to see me after our beautiful day together. Even though her actions or inactions, didn’t make sense to me, I text her back to tell her I would listen to the song but it wouldn’t stop my heart from breaking on the day she leaves for Spain.
11:51 a.m.
“Don’t say that babe. It’s just a CD. Music is how you interpret it…that is the beauty. Ten days will pass in the blink of an eye. I love you.”
Ten days will pass in the blink of an eye? Maybe for her, but definitely not for me. It seemed so flippant considering how bad she says she misses me. As the fatigue set in and now the worries deepened, negative feelings crept in as well, but while I struggled to hide what I felt from her, I text her a short “I love you” response and tried to concentrate on my work instead. She then sent me a text out of the blue nearly a half hour later.
12:16 p.m.
“Tuesday was beautiful. I haven’t stopped thinking about it. In fact, the memories of Tuesday are keeping me going. I miss you very much!”
I felt much better after I read this text from her as I was now able to take my lunch break and get a meal down without a disagreeable stomach. I then replied to tell her I missed her very much too, but with the peace of mind that she would find a way to visit me this week. Not even three minutes later however, she sent me a text that destroyed every positive thought I had, and along with it, any chance of eating.
12:19 p.m.
“I’m looking at my calendar and I just have to laugh! I even have my dog’s teeth cleaning appt. on it! My week is shot preparing for a big event on Thursday in OC!”
It was a hard text for me to read because I wanted to see her so bad. The thing that bummed me out the most was it seemed she was just looking at her calendar now. After our “beautiful” Tuesday, I thought it would be the first thing she looked at when she left my place that day.
12:24 p.m.
“Can we meet sometime on Saturday for a tea and a walk? No negativity! I can also meet you on the 18th for a drink around 6 pm if you’re free. Have to see you before the 23rd.”
After reading this text, I felt my feelings were confirmed that she had no plans to come visit me so we could spend some private time together before she left for Spain. At a time I really needed to see her, I didn’t understand why she would not find a way to come visit me. Was it because I didn’t push her to run to me? Was she possibly hurt by that? I didn’t know, but I also couldn’t give her grief for it. I couldn’t let her know how much it affected me, but my fatigue allowed it all to seep in; everything, all the missing. all the loneliness, all the worries, all my love, and my mother’s latest setback as all these storms came together to form the perfect one, and now I was just along for the ride like a man in a canoe up against fifty foot relentless waves.
“Sure. Let me know.” I responded via text.
12:31 p.m.
“Ok. R u ok?”
I forgot one thing about Anya—one thing I should have known through myself. Although I tried to hide my disappointment from her, Anya knew me as well as I knew her, and if my text didn’t include an exclamation point at the end, my lack of proper punctuation would not go unnoticed.
12:32 p.m.
“R we ok?”
I could have lied. I could have said “We’re fine” or “Everything’s ok.”, but she also deserved the truth from me. She deserved all the real emotions that tied me down. I was having a horrible morning and my intention was not to make hers horrible as well, but I needed to be honest with her about how I felt whether it was ridiculous or not. Unlike her husband, I was going to be noble, but I refused to play head games and I needed to know if my feelings had any validity or not, but I would have to leave it up to her to see if they did.
“I’m sorry but it doesn’t feel like you really want to see me.” I responded.
12:41 p.m.
“What? How so?”
“Well, you’re just checking your calendar now. You tell me you miss me, but it just doesn’t feel heartfelt.” I replied.
12:52 p.m.
“Ok, don’t u dare! I try! If you knew what was on my plate you would have saved this! I knew my schedule before but haven’t had the chance to talk to you about it. Bye.”
And just like that, my everything left me.