“Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. The fearful are caught as often as the bold.”
~ Helen Keller
3:25 p.m.
“I had the best time today! I loved the trail and our beach. It was perfect and so beautiful. I was so relaxed. I think we kissed for two hours! I miss u babe. It was the best. I’ll remember this day forever! Thank u for showing me a piece of heaven! I will always love you no matter what. You’re a good person. I love you forever!”
A mutual feeling in every way, a day I’d never forget; a memory simply embedded in the heart of forever. I opened myself up, and Anya’s love never wavered as the great spectator from above gave us the most spectacular of days below.
With my vacation off to a fun start I began to consider a trip to Las Vegas. I hated being in my apartment these days as the missing intensified, especially at night, when it hurt to imagine her in bed next to her husband. With my positive thoughts up against a cold prevailing wind, I had to find other things to occupy my torturous mind. Anya had a lot going on during my vacation week, and I couldn’t expect her to just drop her busy life to spend time with me. Her daughter was graduating from middle school next year, and now deciding where she would go to high school. Anya had deadlines to meet on the school selection process as you had to enroll a year in advance to be eligible to attend school there a year from now. Based on this experience with the enrollment process for her daughter she took a proactive approach with her son, as she also attempted to get in line where he would go to high school as well, even though he was still three years away. In addition, her son was graduating from elementary school in a few weeks and she had to sort out all his year-end grad events. On top of that, she had a huge work event to prepare for, her son’s baseball team had tournaments on the horizon, and her daughter’s dance practices had picked up their pace due to preparation for an upcoming recital.
Regardless of how busy she was Anya always kept me updated on all the details of her endless activities.
7:25 p.m.
“If Katie gets accepted and chooses Conrad she would be attending a private school. It’s near Palos Verdes though which is very far from my home. I don’t want my kids to hate me for sending them to a school too far. There’s also a school in Long Beach with a stellar magnet program but it’s in a bad area. There’s a good neighborhood high school (2 min from my home) but it’s a total party school, and Katie is a “party girl”. The school is mostly known for sports, though. Anyway, I’ll figure it all out. I guess you can party anywhere.”
I never realized to choose a high school nowadays was such a process. I always thought you were required to go to the closest high school in your neighborhood, but I guess that’s not the case anymore as it appeared to be just as stressful as choosing a college. I then mentioned to Anya so she wouldn’t feel any pressure to see me this week that I was in contemplation of a quick turnaround trip to Vegas just to get out of town.
ANYA: “Why don’t you? I wish I could take off with you. Wouldn’t that be something?”
ME: “I wish! Now if you were going with me, no contemplating about the trip necessary. I’m going! We’re going!”
ANYA: “If I went you couldn’t hang out at the strip clubs though. No lap dances from the girlies!”
ME: “Why would I want to do that when I’d have the best girlie with me? I would just go to gamble, babe even if you weren’t there. I don’t enjoy Vegas as much as most men do, but I do enjoy the gambling. Oh, and the drinking.”
ANYA: “Haha! I don’t love Vegas either. I had to go for a week last year w/Katie for a dance competition. I had 4 guys partying every night right next door. They invited me over and Katie got mad! What do you play when you go?”
ME: “Who could blame them? I would ask you to come over to party with us too! Poor Katie. I mostly play the slots if you can believe it. Not a typical male choice of gambling but my philosophy is this; unless I bring a lot of money with me, I won’t win a lot of money at the tables, but on the slots I feel I at least have a chance to come away with something substantial especially if I hit the progressive. That’s my logic about it anyway. Sometimes it works, but most of the time it doesn’t. Do you play anything in particular when you go?
ANYA: “If I play anything, it’s blackjack and I only win by luck. I like the shows in Vegas!”
ME: “That’s all it takes though, babe. A little luck. I wish we could go to a show together! I never get a chance to go see a show. I’ve always wanted to.”
With Vegas still up in the air the day following this textversation, Anya informed me she had a busy day running errands as she worked to wrap things up for the next day’s event at her company. Her son also had a baseball game that evening in which she told me first place was on the line and a playoff spot. It was obviously a full day for her and even though I had a ton of free time, it didn’t mean she did. I needed to respect that so I let her initiate every text message in fear I hindered her from getting things done but she opted to contact me anyway.
3:56 p.m.
“The event is from 2 – 6 tomorrow, but I’ll be on at 10 a.m. It’s an important deal for the company b/c we’re making big changes.”
Two more things I loved about Anya, her work ethic and her sense of responsibility. She worked her ass off to the bone and it inspired me to do the same as she astonished me with all the things she accomplished and was on her plate during the week. I knew she had a mountain of stress heaped on her though with little to zero help from her support system so I monitored her closely with a loving eye to make sure she was okay throughout the day. She was human, and we all had our limits whether we chose to acknowledge them or not. As I sat at home that night, alone, still in contemplation of a Vegas jaunt, she text me during her son’s baseball game.
8:41 p.m.
“You won’t believe this, but Andrew just broke his arm! He ran into another player trying to catch a pop fly! I have to take him to my orthopedist tomorrow! My big day!”
ME: “OMG! Is he okay, babe? I’m so sorry! Are you at the hospital?”
ANYA: “No, I’m at Carolyn’s. I just got back from the emergency room. 10 emergency room trips in 10 years! His arm is in a cast and he had stitches on his forehead too. He’s so extreme! The coach is really upset because we’re going into a tournament and Andrew’s his best pitcher!”
ME: “Was it his right arm or his left arm? Is he right or left handed? What are you going to do about the event? If there’s anything I can do please let me know.”
ANYA: “You’re so sweet to ask. It’s his left arm and he’s right handed. Tomorrow should be interesting. I have my assistant covering for me until I get to the event.”
ME: “That’s good. Are you going home now? Sorry if I’m bothering you with my questions. Just worried about you.”
ANYA: “You could never bother me. I have to go pick up Katie at her dance studio. She gets out at 9:30. I should say goodnight babe. Long day for me. This would be a good chocolate chip cookie night but I don’t have any in the house. I miss u. I love you forever!”
When you truly love someone, you want the very best for them. You don’t want to ever see them struggle or suffer, and if they do, you want to be there to help them in any way possible yet my hands were tied in this situation, and that was harder on me than the thought of her still sleeping with her husband. I couldn’t be with her in the emergency room to tell her everything would be okay. I couldn’t go to the house to cheer Andrew up. I couldn’t tell her to go home and I’ll get Katie for her. I couldn’t even bring her chocolate chip cookies. All I could do was think of how she was at home doing all these things on her own without any help from a man who had only emotionally abused her, and all I could do was grin and bear it as it left me to ponder a way to tackle an elephant. I guess if there was a silver lining for her in all of this, at least baseball was off her plate now.
While Anya was on her big day at the orthopedist office and then her company’s event, I decided to head to the beach to get some color. As I lay comfortably in the sand, and listened to the music in the waves as they bowed before me, I thought about how I would confront the elephant as I believed her well-being being was just as important as the well-being of her children. Based on the research I did, countless hours on the internet, I felt I had valid points in which to base my opinion. I didn’t believe her situation as a mother warranted martyrdom, but I needed to present that with love, and not in a manner that suited my best interest, a very fine line I needed to straddle because of the heavy emotions involved. The time for this conversation neared and I knew I needed a compelling and inspirational presentation to help alleviate the guilt she felt. I also believed I had only one bullet in the chamber of this hypothetical gun as I had only one shot to kill these false perceptions based on fears that made them appear to be real.
When her big day came to an end, I texted her to see how things went. When I asked about her son, Anya told me he was still in pain but it was under control, and his coaches sent her heartfelt emails which she truly appreciated. When I asked about how her event went, I learned people were in tears because of the changes the company made. I didn’t press what those changes were but found it interesting as it appeared they let some people go.
The next day I decided to go to the beach once more, inspired to build on my tan. When Anya found out about this second beach day in a row she forgot all about her work after I mentioned I wished we were back at our beach.
10:31 a.m.
“OMG! I can just picture it! Wish we were back there! Proud of u for taking advantage of ur time off and this pretty day to hang at the beach! I wish I was w/u! Sorry I’ve been so busy. I love Hermosa Beach! I miss you sooo much. I love you forever!”
Even though it was a perfect beach day at Hermosa, compared to being at “our beach” with Anya, it was safe to state I was definitely settling on this day as all I could do was put on my headphones and imagine she was with me.
A little over two hours later, Anya messaged me to check in. She then began to share certain authentic Mexican restaurants she enjoyed eating at throughout Los Angeles County. Her texts made my stomach growl as I hadn’t had Mexican food in months nor had lunch yet. Since I didn’t know any authentic Mexican restaurants near the beach, I decided to write off the craving, but not even a minute passed before Anya answered my silent yearning.
1:16 p.m.
“Try this one! The Puerto Mexican Grill. It’s really good! The address is 1516 P.C.H. Their phone number is 310-522-6582. I love you forever!”
It was an unexpected gesture as I only mentioned “Mexican food sounded good” in passing as she indicated the spots she enjoyed eating at, but it was vintage Anya as she found a way to touch me when she wasn’t even near me.
The next day, a Friday, I still found myself in contemplation of a Vegas run. I had three more days left on my vacation so it was now or never, and I remained undecided when Anya broke the news to me she and the girls were going to a Mexican Restaurant for dinner. To imagine her out with the girls dressed beautifully was too much for me to bear and that was when I decided to get out of my lonely apartment to live a little.
5:44 p.m.
“Watcha doin baby? I love you forever!!!”
ME: “I love you forever too! I’m on my way to Vegas! Wish me luck! R u on your way to the restaurant yet?”
ANYA: “R u serious? Right on! If u can believe it we’re finally on our way! I’m wearing the top u saw me in at Republique b/c of what u said. I feel closer to u this way. We have 2 DD.”
ME: “I loved that blouse on you. Your beauty that night nearly stopped my heart you looked so gorgeous. Glad you have two designated drivers. Please be safe out there. Lots of crazies. I wish you were here with me. I know this trip would be a lot more fun with you.”
ANYA: “Me too!”
The drive to Vegas from L.A.was a four to five hour trek depending on traffic or how fast you drove, and you can bet your life if you’ve ever seen the movie “Swingers” the truth about the drive was properly depicted. About three hours into the drive you do start to get a little weary as the adrenaline begins to die right before you head into the desert heat. To keep me entertained during this part of the journey I would try and guess the temperature in Baker where the world’s largest thermometer stood one hundred and thirty-four feet from the ground. It was not unusual for the thermometer’s electronic reading to show a hundred degrees as late as nine at night, but I decided to take the under. A minute after I reached Baker and learned my temperature estimation was off by six degrees, I received a text from Anya so I decided to pull over to text her back.
9:01 p.m.
“Beautiful night! Wish you were here! Miss you!”
ME: “If I could be with you tonight I never would’ve went to Vegas! I miss you too!!!”
ANYA: “I love u! Where r u now? State line?”
ME: “I just hit Baker. Hey guess what the temperature here in Baker is?”
ANYA: “100???”
ME: “OMG! How’d you know that? Damn good guess, babe!”
ANYA: “I got it right? Yay for me! Do you even know how much I wish I was with you right now? I want to just run! I miss u!!!”
ME: “I wish you were with me right now too babe. I love you so much. I miss you too!”
After our exchange, it felt like she sat right next to me as I glowed inside from the greatest feeling of happiness I had ever felt while I continued my journey across the darkness of a furious desert. When I finally reached Vegas, I stopped at the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino. I had many fun times there before, and had won over a thousand dollars on slots a couple of times. I also used to run into many surprisingly down to earth celebrities before such as Mark Cuban and Carmen Electra which made it an easy decision to gravitate there because of the surreal, friendly, and fun atmosphere. I just wish I really had Anya with me this time around to experience the Hard Rock at its absolute best. Shortly after I arrived though, the love of my life sent me a text.
10:28 p.m.
“Where are you now baby?”
ME: “I’m here babe. I’m at the Hard Rock. I usually have good luck here. We’ll see though.”
ANYA: “No kidding? You’re already there? I’m impressed! We just finished dinner here but Debbie just knocked over a whole glass of red wine all over my blouse and white pants!!! All the girls are freaking out! Xoxo!”
ME: “Oh no! Oh, babe I’m so sorry to hear that.”
ANYA: “Oh well, just clothes. I miss u.”
ME: “I miss u too, love. I’m sorry I can’t be there to take care of you. I wish u were here w/me.”
ANYA: “I wish I was there with u. R u gambling?”
ME: “I’m at a slot machine right now but haven’t started yet.”
ANYA: “Have a great time baby! I love you forever!!!”
ME: “Thank you. I love you forever too!!!”
ANYA: “I think you should stay there tonight. Don’t you?”
ME: “I probably should get a room. I’ll see how the night goes. If I win, I’ll stay. If I lose, well, I’ll bring my loser butt home.”
ANYA: “I hope you win! Good luck! Goodnight babe. Have fun. Be safe.”
Women like Anya put a lot of work into looking nice, and to have her night end the way it did bummed me out. I know it not only dampened her night literally to have an entire glass of wine spill on her, and I know it would have ruined my night, but it didn’t seem to faze her. She was a good sport about it, a much better sport than I would be, but it was one of the things I loved about her because she inspired me to strive to have a better attitude about things beyond my control. As I fed a hundred dollar bill in the slot machine, I began to feel guilty about my trip. Even though I’ve been solo for thirty-seven years it just didn’t feel right to have fun after her night ended the way it did.
Five hours later after my trip began, I tried to look behind me, but there was nothing there as I completely lost my ass, and I had no choice but to come back home the same morning. When I almost dozed off on the road, and before I killed myself or anyone else, I decided to pull off in Barstow and into a secluded strip mall parking lot to sleep for a couple of hours before I finished my drive home. After a solid respite and when I finally reached my apartment, I crashed for the rest of that morning. When I awoke and came to the cold reality my vacation neared its end, I received a text from Anya to let me know she had a baseball fundraiser to run that evening. She also told me in the message she missed me more than ever which surprised me because it meant a lot to hear that now more than ever, as this loser needed to hear that.
When Monday arrived, after a stress free week, I found it hard to get back in the swing of things as I struggled to brush off the vacation dust.
12:51 p.m.
“Hope ur 1st day back is going well! Didn’t want to bug u in Hesperia. Don’t worry if u can’t text back. I’ve been super busy myself! Just thinking of you! Xoxo!”
I had to be in Hesperia all week to monitor a client engagement and a long commute came with the territory as a hotel was not in the firm’s budget. Before I began my drive on this morning however, Clyde informed me about a church fundraising event Mr. Caiaphas had asked our firm to be a part of. The more I heard of Mr. Caiaphas’s kind donations and charitable contributions, the more I saw how I fell short in life, as it became apparent no matter how ambitious I was or how hard I worked, I was nowhere near the level of a Jackson Caiaphas as I found it impossible not to admire the man. He was a man of reverence, worthy of emulation and even though he referred to me as Landman, my inferiority to his greatness was undeniable. He was not only someone to look up to but also someone to believe in, a great business man, an honorable family man, an esteemed public figure, and the epitome of a role model. I remembered when he pointed to his wedding ring with so much pride as it struck me hard to witness firsthand his natural ability to love his wife. For him to just stop and recognize the importance of her right in the middle of our business meeting, in the realm of his busy life showed me he clearly stood for everything a man should stand for. Not to mention, his generosity and compassionate spirit was off the charts, and I admired that quality in him more than any success he had in commercial real estate as I found his attainment of character had a much greater impact on my appreciation for him than his attainment of wealth.
ME: “Thanks Sweetheart. So nice to hear from you. It’s going well. I’ll let you get back to work. Xoxo!”
ANYA: “I was just thinking about what you said to me yesterday.”
ME: “What did I say? Refresh my memory please.”
ANYA: “After you woke up yesterday morning you told me I was the first thing on your mind and you told yourself “No question. I’m in love.” I did the same thing this morning when I woke up and I thought “I’m in love.” and there was no question! I love you forever!”
ME: “Haha! It’s that clear every morning for me! Every morning you’re the first thing on my mind and I just have to smile. A great way to start the day! I love you forever too! No question! What does your week look like, Sweetheart?”
ANYA: “I have so much going on this week. Baseball, dance and cooking dinner tonight as always. I want to c u now! I miss ur kiss baby. Don’t know how I’m going to make it this week! I love you forever baby!!! No question!!!”
I loved to receive these types of texts from her, and when I put my phone down I was so full of happiness it got me easily through the rest of my day. There was no question, every morning when I woke up, I thought of her and could only smile. She was always the very first thing on my mind and there was absolutely no question I loved her.
The month of May two thousand eight was a highly emotional month that tested our love’s resolve, but with the help of Laguna Beach and a beach of our own, it only brought us closer than ever. Yes, my understanding and patience at times was tested because it was now much harder to get through a day without seeing her let alone an entire week, but her texts throughout the day allowed me to feel close to her as I sought solace through them more than ever.
At this time, it appeared to me she was positioning herself to leave her husband, the right way, as I began to see some pieces fall into place to make it a reality. For instance, I learned this past week her company was in the process of downsizing which would make it easier to leave him with less employees affected. She was also getting her son’s high school selection process done in advance and she worked to change her nurse status from inactive to active which also showed me she loved herself enough to see the importance in making a positive change for her mental well-being. I believed she did the right things at this time and after I learned she still slept with her husband I felt she knew these things were important to make me aware of. My biggest fear remained her running away to be with me, but if she did that I would only send her straight back home; she needed to do things the right way or not at all. She had to face the folks and be honest with them. She told me this is how she felt before she met me, and I wasn’t the reason for the way she felt, so even though she told me she wouldn’t leave unless someone was there for her, my role in her life should not make a bit of difference in her decision to leave. She simply had to do this for herself, not for me or anyone else, if she planned to. She only had a bonus plan in place after she did because I would be there to support her in every way, financially and emotionally. I just needed her to be brave enough to take that step, but again, we weren’t there yet, and even I had to reel myself in and try to be more patient, because it was important to be now more than ever, but also harder to be than ever before. The more she text me, the more of herself she shared, the more I fell in love with her, and the more I felt safe.
9:36 a.m.
“Really? Well I was up at 4 this morn too! I usually roll out of bed at 4:30 but for some reason I woke up at 4! It’s going to 2 b in the 90’s out here 2day!”
9:38 a.m.
“Yes, baby. I think I have to go into the OC office 2day. More changes. I’m throwing a baby shower soon and I need 2 work on that as well! How about u?”
2:22 p.m.
The narrative has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.
“I miss u baby.”
2:40 p.m.
“It’s definitely cooler than 90! Don’t know where I got that info! Xoxo!”
3:16 p.m.
“Do u know what I do? I always pick the wrong line! Never fails it’s either price check, complaints, coupons, have 2 change paper roll, change register etc!”
3:18 p.m.
“It’s not even funny anymore! No kidding, my kids would stand in a different line than me! They make fun of me every time! I think I have that “No really, take ur time cuz I have nothing better to do” look b/c I smile a lot! It kills me. Xoxo!”
3:24 p.m.
“How long are you in Hesperia this week? I’m already going through withdrawals! I miss u like crazy! I miss ur kisssssssss! I’m so turned on right now. I think I need a cool shower!”
3:27 p.m.
“Ur all I think about too! I even miss u in my sleep. We always have fun when we’re together!
3:33 p.m.
“I miss u and I love you forever! No question!”
Her text messages meant the world to me, and every time I saw my red light blink on my phone I felt extreme joy as I treated each and every one of them as if they were a gift. Her texts were not sent in a response to mine, but rather were completely uninitiated by me. I felt if she ran the show without my interference, or with very little interference, I would feel safe to say she listened to herself because these texts revealed her true feelings. They proved daily our friendship and our bond was indisputable as I observed her life and felt like an important part of her day through them, especially when they came out of the blue and were unexpected.
2:03 p.m.
“Thinking of you!”
2:20 p.m.
“I miss u too! Having a great day! Hope u r too! Getting my nails done! I love you forever!”
4:13 p.m.
“Katie has dance class tonight. I made the best tortilla soup if I do say so myself! I played all day! I miss you sooo much!!!!”
4:38 p.m.
“Have a safe drive home my love! Text me later! Xoxo!”
7:15 p.m.
“Ur putting in some hours! I already made dinner! Remember tortilla soup? Going to watch American Idol Finale w/the kiddos 2nite! I miss u! Want to kiss u!!!”
7:26 p.m.
“Yes! Made a vegetarian batch and one w/chicken. I made it early so I wouldn’t have to bother 2nite! I think I can c u on Sunday! I can’t stay long. I love you!”
7:32 p.m.
“Andrew’s favorite food is chicken! He’d eat it three times a day if he could!”
Through her daily nearly hourly texts, I felt like I knew her kids as it warmed my heart to know she had a great day and appeared to not be stressed out at all, a rare sight. After my week off I had a mountain of work to come back to so I was extremely busy, but it was great to know I’d see her again on Sunday, only a few days away. The memories of Abalone Cove helped get me through the nearly two weeks since I had last seen her, but little did I know however, another test cloaked in black was headed my way. This time though, it came through the guise in a series of positive texts from her.
7:52 a.m.
“How r u? I missed u so much last night I held my pillow tight against my body and pretended I was hugging u! I love u this morning, no question! Xoxo!”
8:01 a.m.
“I miss u too! Having a good day. Hope u r too! Can u break for tea and a “drive” on Sat around 11 am? It wouldn’t replace Sun. I just miss u lots! I love you!!!”
8:06 a.m.
“Thank u baby! I’m excited! I love you forever!!!”
8:11 a.m.
“Xxxxxxxxxxxxooooooooooo!!!”
5:27 p.m.
“It’s raining here. Made me think of u. It’s really hard at times. Guess I’ll be hugging my pillow again 2nite. I miss u. Girls r coming over in an hour.”
The chance to see her two days in a row made my ten hour workday suddenly seem like a one hour shift. After being in Hesperia the entire week I now looked forward to something normal and comfortable again. I found it odd though that on a school night she was getting together with the girls. When I asked, she informed me they decided to get together to “shoot pool”, another anomaly as she proceeded to confess she “wasn’t very good at it” and “had to measure her shot every time”. Next to a person without any arms I was probably the worst pool player on the planet, so I tried to psych her up for the game by telling her “Tiger Woods has to measure his puts when he plays golf. I guess he isn’t very good too”. She got a kick out of that as she threw an unsolicited “I love you forever” my way. I learned subsequent to this conversation many of her friends planned to leave town for Memorial Day weekend so that was the reason for the impromptu “get-together”. I thought it was important for her to get out of the house with her friends. I believed she really needed the time for herself to recharge, but in the same breath it worried me because it made me feel like a novelty rather than a necessity in her life as I unexpectedly felt insignificant. I would even go as far to say it even began to feel like she was the single person and I was the married one. These observations and thoughts brought forth some discomfort within as it left me to wonder what her incentive would be to leave him if the marriage afforded her this kind of freedom.
When Friday arrived, after a long week in Hesperia and countless hours spent in traffic, fatigue began to set in as I felt depressed to know on this evening I would only return to an empty silent apartment. I had no plans for Memorial Day weekend, I never did, but it just hit me hard to know I couldn’t truly spend it with the woman I loved; the woman who loved me. Here I was bound by nothing, no kids, yet I lived a resigned life. Negative emotions began to swirl within me just before she sent me a series of texts as the fatigue brought on by the fourteen hours days took its toll.
1:47 p.m.
“I miss you more than anything! Congrats! Ur almost done w/one week in Hesperia! Yay!”
ME: “I miss you more than anything too! I can’t believe I get to see you tomorrow! It felt like this week would never end. Thanks babe. Happy to be finally leaving Desperia! I mean…Hesperia.”
ANYA: “I guess Hesperia is not a destination point? I know! It’s been hard! Feels like I haven’t seen u in weeks! Big plans for the weekend?”
ME: “No plans on my end. Do you have any plans to salvage the weekend? Seems like all your friends left you behind.”
ANYA: “If u can believe it I’m going back to Arturo’s 2nite w/a big group. My neighbor’s B-Day dinner. Client dinner tom night in Corona Del Mar. Can’t wait 2 c u!”
I hoped this weekend would be a quiet weekend spent with her kids to help relieve the emptiness I’d undoubtedly feel. Instead, I learned she had a night on the town planned with a large group of people. I then became insecure as my head filled up with pessimism. I guess I thought since her friends were out of town she would be relegated to staying home this weekend, and stuck at home with the kids. It didn’t bother me she went out at all, I wanted her to enjoy her life as much as possible, and she deserved that as hard as she worked. It just got harder to ignore the kids were the reason she couldn’t see me as much as she wanted yet here she was away from them, hanging out with her friends even on a moment’s notice. It was this kind of inconsistency from her that put doubt in my mind. I didn’t doubt her love, but I began to doubt her intentions. I wanted her to be with her kids this weekend not because I didn’t want her to have fun with her friends, but to only give the reasons she gave me absolute validity. After a delayed response I feared would inspire concern from her, I sent her a text telling her “I couldn’t wait to see her too”, and I even added an exclamation point to avoid her suspicion I may be upset with her. The past had proven I’d question something then change my stance after we talked, so I tried to avoid the issue because I feared my feelings may have been a result of the stress and fatigue more than anything.
Then she shot me a text.
2:36 p.m.
“I love you!”
In the movie “The Empire Strikes Back” the empire sent a probe droid to a remote planet to see if they could locate a rebel base there. I felt this text was a probe droid to see if I was bummed out as evidenced by her addition of an exclamation point. If I delayed a response to an “I love you” text especially one with an exclamation point, she would have confirmation. I never imagined while I sat in English class the power an exclamation point yielded and how much it would affect my life one day, but just like the character Chewbacca in the movie, I raised her one and blew that probe droid to pieces.
ME: “I love you too!!”
Up to this point, I always felt her and I were so deeply connected we knew exactly how each other felt. Now though, I began to get the sense the reason she felt so deeply connected to me was because she knew in some way, whether intentional or not, what she did to me was hurtful. For the first time in our relationship, I began to feel somewhat like a disease to her as some things I never fathomed before began to surface. I loved her deeply, and the only reason I denied her existence in my life to others was because I respected her, to protect her. I understood she couldn’t go around telling anyone about us, but the things she did at times seemed to be with a complete disregard for my feelings, as if what I didn’t know couldn’t hurt me, and that made it okay for her to do. For her to live her life in the exact same way she did before we began seeing each other, especially after I had walked away initially because she was married, I felt was absolutely wrong after she allowed me, even encouraged me to feel so much for her. She had no choice but to continue to do the things she needed to do for her kids, and I totally understood those things could not change yet, but I never saw a change in how people, like neighbors or members of a large group, perceived her relationship with him, and I found that troublesome. I felt at the six month point she could recognize the things that may hurt me and make excuses to stay home to be with the kids, the reason we couldn’t see each other, in order to weaken the façade of her marriage to outsiders because at this time I didn’t feel very safe.
10:32 p.m.
“Goodnight baby! Love u!”
The one constant with her; she never missed sending me a “Goodnight” text. This one in particular though was later than usual, and although it was nice to know I was on her mind, I couldn’t tell if it was sent out of guilt or love. I became more sensitive to the façade of her union because I now knew she slept with her husband. Even after long work days I had a harder time sleeping, especially on a night like this because I knew what goodnight could mean on a night “out” as the wheels in my head worked overtime. However, if I could just silence the restlessness I felt in my stomach and with a little rest that consisted of rapid eye movement, I felt I had a chance to resolve these burdensome emotions when we met for tea the next day.
As the sun devoured the night, I felt better to know I would see her, but it was also clear I had to find a way to subdue the longing inside. I didn’t want her to completely change her life, it wouldn’t be fair to ask of her simply because we weren’t there yet, and she had to put on a show at times for her children; however I hoped for a small adjustment if possible to help balance my emotions. I thought I was ready to state my case, but the minute I saw her beautiful, sweet, happy face as she jumped into my car, I melted like ice cream in a kiln on my quest to make my concerns known. To see the happiness in her eyes, the way her entire face lit up when she sawme, it pained me to take it away from her with my loneliness, but with my mirrored happiness now in the mix, my heart decided it was best to make this a fun meeting instead of a sour one. When I drove to our spot by the children’s play area we found the last time we met and turned off my engine, however, Anya had a different agenda as she turned to me with a sudden change in her beautiful countenance.
“The girls gave me a lecture the other night.” she softly announced.
“A lecture?” I asked with a nervous laugh. “A lecture on what?”
“On me.” she said. “on us.”
“On you? On us? I don’t understand.”
“They think I should shit or get off the pot. They think that six months is long enough.”
I didn’t know what to say as my initial response was to agree with them because it was getting harder on me, but when I saw the sad look in her eyes I started to change my tune, and began to submit to reason. She asked me to fight for her and this presented an opportunity to step up to the plate for her, and for us, like I promised her I would.
“I don’t agree babe. We’re talking about love here. A once in a lifetime love.” I said. “I don’t think it’s right to put a time table on our love and just throw it away after all we’ve felt and shared.”
“Carolyn says letting you go would be an act of love.” she said. “She told me by letting you go I would be loving you.”
“Well to be honest, I wouldn’t feel much loved at all.” I said.
“But isn’t it better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all?” she asked.
“Did Carolyn say that too?”
“Yes, she did.”
“With all due respect to Carolyn, it’s easy for her to say those kinds of things simply because she is removed from all the emotions.” I said. “I can understand how people carry the belief that to love and to have lost is better to not have loved at all when someone dies, but I think anyone who believes in that has never truly been in love before; they don’t really know the pain of being truly in love and how life can be devastatingly altered after you put your entire heart and soul into loving someone then losing them other than death. I don’t mean to discount the beauty in her thought though; I just don’t believe it’s a realistic one because when you love someone as deeply as we love each other, it’s abandonment at this point more than freedom. Just because of how deeply I love people, personally I’d much rather not fall in love if I’m just going to just lose it. I mean, why fall in love to only feel pain in the end? I guess the more important question here is how do you feel about it?”
“I’m afraid I’d make a big mistake if I let us go. That’s how I feel.” she said. “Debbie said one day at a time with a little pressure.”
“I agree with Debbie.” I told her. “I think it would be unfair to both of us to end it only because its been six months now and things haven’t changed. I think our love deserves more than six months, and I can’t just ask you to leave now anyway. I want you to come into the best scenario if and when you do. For you to leave now and be with me would be an injustice to you and the kids, so even though it’s harder than ever and I have a hard time understanding some things that are going on, it’s important for me to be patient. I love you, and I can’t give up on us like that. Not after all we’ve shared. You asked me to fight for you and I promised you I would.”
“We did fall in love rather quickly.” she stated.
“Did we ever!” I replied, grinning. “I don’t feel we jumped into anything without thinking about it, though. I mean, I walked away from you initially, and five months went by before we reconnected, so yes we did fall in love quickly once we knew we had something special between us.”
“I guess I fear if I leave, babe…” she said, her voice trailing off while peering away from me and outside her window. “I fear I’d feel I was picking you over my kids.”
It was a shot I didn’t see coming, and it put me in complete defense mode. I had no clue how she could had felt that way after she asked me to fight for her, told me nothing was impossible, kids were resilient, and divorces happen every day. Her words rattled me as I struggled with all my heavy emotions in play to present a fair angle. I also had to respect her as a mother, and to acknowledge she had every right in the world to feel all she did.
“I don’t believe that’s true, Sweetheart.” I said. “I don’t believe that’s true at all.”
“How so?” she asked as she turned to me with anxiety in her eyes.
“Because I believe you wouldn’t be choosing me at all, you would be choosing you and the kids.” I stated as I held on to her hand. “Babe, this love isn’t about me versus your kids or even me versus your husband. There is so much more here than meets the eye. This is about a real love versus a false love disguised by a marriage. This is about the truth versus a lie; living an honest life versus living a false one. This is about breaking down a façade and getting out from under a cloud of deception. Tucking away your true feelings to please others who don’t know the extent of your pain is no way to live your life. Now are we there yet? I don’t think so, but I strongly believe we will be there one day. I truly believe that. I know you love me, and I think over time you won’t see this as me versus the kids but rather me and the kids.”
“I’m afraid I’m going to lose my kids to him, Babe.”
“Sweetheart, California is a no fault state and mothers generally win custody of the children.” I said. “I don’t want to discount your fears, but I really think something can be worked out so that never happens.”
“He would argue he can work from home and be there for them more than I can.” she said. “I’d have to get a full-time job if I were to leave.”
“No babe. You wouldn’t have to work at all. In fact, I have something in place so that won’t be an issue. You’ll be able to be there for them just as much as he would be. Not that I want him to lose an argument regarding the right to see his children, but you have the same rights to them too. I believe it’s an argument he would lose.”
“I don’t know babe.” she said. “I love you, but I don’t know.”
“Well, that’s the reason why I’m in your life; so one day you will know.” I said. “The one thing you can’t do though, is pit our love or me against your kids. We won’t make it if you do because it’s a battle I would lose, and I really hope you don’t do that. That’s not what this is about. It’s not what we’re about. We are so much more than that. I think you really have to ask yourself this honestly. What man would be in this situation without any promises for six months? I mean, if you can’t find anything special in that, I don’t know where you’ll be able to. That’s the kind of love at stake here.”
“That’s why I feel I’d be making a mistake.”
“But this is much much greater than being with me. This is about living an honest life, a life you deserve, free of falsehoods. I believe you would choose your kids by leaving because you simply don’t want the same kind of marriage for them. You know where true happiness is derived from. It’s not from having money and things, but through love. What’s the harm in showing your kids the truth about life? How would they know what is acceptable in a marriage or not if they believe the marriage you have is indicative of a happy one? Our relationship is what a marriage is truly all about; mutual love, trust, and a true commitment to last a life time. Your marriage stands for none of these things anymore if it ever did at all. I understand people generally fall out of love in their marriages, but this is due to gross infidelity, the one thing I feel makes a divorce and our relationship acceptable. People who decide to stay for the kids, like your friends who are still madly in love with their husbands, don’t fall in love with anyone outside their marriage let alone have a serious relationship with them. Babe, you told me you knew this could turn into “something big” in June yet the kids were always there, even when you dated Lance, the romantic singer, they were there too. You’re not doing this for me or even us. You’re doing this for you. You have to listen to yourself now because the silence is simply too loud to ignore. You have to really trust your feelings because they are beyond true. Your unhappiness is real as evidenced by me in your life. You’re listening to everyone else, independent of me, instead of yourself, and as the man who loves you I can’t stand mute about it.”
“It’s hard to explain that to a ten and twelve year old.” she responded.
“Well, I do know this much, my love. They won’t be ten and twelve years old forever.” I said. “They need you to show them what’s important in life. What could be wrong in showing them that you pursued a life of love and happiness instead of false security under the umbrella of a lie? If you don’t have the courage to do that. To teach them to follow their hearts and to live honest lives, then only God can help them. Would you want your kids to carry the burden of your unhappiness? I wouldn’t want my mom to do that for me if she was truly unhappy. You know babe, I know a good education is really important for your kids to have as it should be, but the most important things in life your kids are ever going to learn won’t come from a text book.”
She didn’t say anything as I could see she absorbed my words. After thirty seconds of silence, I then said something that hit her pretty hard.
“I’ve truly known you for nearly six months now. You’re my best friend, and I hope I’m still yours after all I just said, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned about you over the last six months, and I know this without a doubt, it’s that you’re not the type of person who retaliates on people nor would put yourself and your kids in this kind of spot without a valid reason. You’re the most loving person I know, and there’s a reason we are where we are today. I just think you need to pay attention to that a little more, Beautiful. That’s all. Not for me, not for us, but for you.”
She then shot me a look of incredulity as if I knew a part of her she didn’t even know herself, the part of her she denied. I leaned in to kiss her and I could feel her release this burden she carried over the last few days as tears trickled down her cheek. Her concerns were real and I greatly respected them, every single one of them, but I had to fight so she would understand there were other angles to consider and not only did our love but she also deserved their consideration.
She arrived at eleven and stayed until twelve thirty this day as the talk took us a little more time than she allotted for, but she didn’t seem to care as I felt safer when she left. Upon her return home though, I knew her fears would creep back in as her reality, an actuality I could not see or feel, surrounded her.
1:23 p.m.
“Hi! Thank u 4 tea. U ok?”
ME: “I’m fine. Thanks for letting me know how you were feeling. R u ok?”
ANYA: ““I’m fine. What did u learn about me today?”
ME: “I learned you have legitimate concerns however they appear to be mostly grounded on fear more than reality which leads to negative thinking. Or as my Grandmother used to say “stinkin’ thinkin’.”
ANYA: “I try to think positively as well, but when it comes to our situation I get sad hence the negativity. I hope I didn’t bum you out today. It’s been on my mind since the lecture.”
ME: “I’m fine. Your friends care about both of us, and they see the emotions involved. I just think our love deserves more time than a six month time table.”
ANYA: “Yes they care and I think they did factor in the level of emotions. I think that is why the pressure. Deb still says one day at a time w/some pressure.”
ME: “I agree with Debbie.”
ANYA: “We were together for 1 ½ hours today but it flew by so quickly! All that heavy talk! I’m thinking 10ish tom. Ok w/u?”
ME: “It sounds great babe. Looking forward to seeing you. Can’t wait. You looked beautiful today, as always.”
ANYA: “Thank u! U looked cute as always! Btw, ur arms felt really nice today! Can’t wait to feel them again tom! I love you forever!”
ME: “I love you forever too! No question!”
ANYA: “Ha! No question!”
Our talk weighed a ton in my head as we obviously both had some things to consider. I felt Debbie’s and Carolyn’s advice came from a good place but they simply did not know the truth and any of the details of our relationship including anything about my upcoming partnership promotion. I truly believed in less than a year’s time we would be more than okay, and I would be able to show her all her fears were just that. I felt Anya deserved happiness in her life, as the source of her happiness believed it was imperative for her to have. I also believed her kids could only benefit from knowing they had a loving mother in their lives, one they no longer had to second guess.
I prepared for her visits these days by talking to myself while I prepped my apartment. I simply had to get things out of my head before she arrived in case our talk took a heavy turn and my raw emotions tried to get the best of me. I hoped to not have any serious conversations since we had one the other day, but I needed to be prepared now if she hit me with any unexpected news or future lectures. I knew I simply had to trust in her love and my belief in love to reach our dream and hope. I also couldn’t allow the outside noises that confused her to get the best of me, and with all the emotions I carried it was harder to do. Now, whenever she was with me and removed from the tug of war they all played on her heart, I wanted to hold her in my arms longer, to cherish every second I had with her because I didn’t know what challenges and obstacles tomorrow could bring as I took nothing with her for granted.
When she arrived we quickly moved to my bedroom as it was now routine because we wanted to maximize the little time we had together. After the love we shared on our beach and the emotions of our conversation the day before, our show of affection greatly intensified as I wanted to feel every part of her body with every part of mine in order to touch her on the inside. An hour later as I held her in my arms and she ran her fingers through my hair, she began to tell me about her client meeting from the prior evening.
“The client I was with last night loves white truffles just as much as I do!” she exclaimed. “They’re my favorite!”
“What’s a white truffle?” I asked. “Is it a piece of white chocolate?”
“Ha! It’s not sweets, Sweets. It’s a mushroom! You can shave them over risotto, pasta and veggies. There’s also white truffle oil which is very tasty. I put it on a lot of dishes I make. It’s very strong though and shouldn’t be used over dishes that compete with strong aromas like garlic.”
“Oh, I guess I was just a little off there! Kind of lame to admit I’ve never heard of it before.” I said as I laughed. “Where do you buy them at? I’ve never seen them at the store. I always see Portobellos, but never white truffles.”
“You can order them off the Sabani website. That’s where I get them. You can also cook with black truffles too. Not as strong and inexpensive.”
“Thanks for the tip.” I said. “They sound delish. I’m going to have to try them now.”
“My client also told me something last night I took to heart.”
“What did your client say?” I asked nervously as I feared her positive visit was about to turn.
“She told me I should live for the day because we aren’t promised tomorrow.” she said as her beautiful soft dark eyes moved upwards to meet mine.
“I totally agree. She couldn’t me more right about anything.” I said. “I get so caught up in the everyday grind sometimes too I forget I’m not immortal. It’s so important to stop, look up at the stars and come to terms with our insignificance.”
“I’m going to start living my life that way.” she said. “I worry too much about everything. So I’m going to live my life as if I could be gone tomorrow.”
“I’m glad because I need you around.” I said with a smile as I kissed her forehead. “I think stress is the biggest health risk, and I worry about your stress level. So I’m happy to hear that you took what she said to heart.”
“Thanks babe.” she said. “She also told me she just got back from France.”
“No kidding. Did she go with anyone?”
“She went with her boyfriend.”
“That’s wonderful. I’m sure she had a great trip.”
“She did.” she responded. “I would love to go to France one day.”
“I would love to go to France one day too.”
“It wouldn’t matter to me where we go together because I’m always the happiest in my life whenever I’m with you.” she said. “But I would only go to France with you.”
“That would be a dream come true for me.” I said as I fantasized about a proposal she had no clue about.
We then began to kiss passionately as we rolled like waves upon my bed. To know she was the happiest whenever she was with me gave my place in her life instant validity, as it stood as another significant revelation and another truth only I knew of, a feeling the outsiders believed should be shameful to embrace let alone said. With me though, she was free to feel what she truly did, and I always inspired it to come forth. We were on two separate journeys for years, but somehow, we met on same path and it was now one journey we took together. The path was a treacherous one though, as people tried to throw emotional boulders to create obstacles to separate and divide us, but if we took each step together with love and trust, we’d be able to defeat all fears to our beloved destination. I truly believed we were going to do the right thing one day, and possibly break their hearts by opening them up to the endless possibilities in life when true love is the sole purpose.
The last time she left my apartment it was in tears, but this time, we left with cheer, hand in hand once again; a much needed positive visit, one we could rest our dreams and hopes upon. She had to work that same evening, a Sunday night since she “played” for a day during the week, or maybe because the events of the lecture took a toll on her mind. Why she put so much stock into what the girls said with the knowledge they knew nothing about her husband’s infidelities and the real details of our love worried me a little bit. At least from my angle, it would appear much worse to Carolyn and Debbie if they thought her husband was faithful, so then I could understand them sticking up for him, and administering a stern lecture to her. He really would be a victim in that sense, and as a decent man I would never put another faithful man, whether married or not, through that because he kept his promises, and I respected that because I could easily be in his position. In fact, I would not be in this position today even with all his transgressions if it hadn’t affected Anya so much. Their lecture to her left me to further believe however there existed a missing piece somewhere. A piece so huge it could be a game changer, my greatest fear, the end of us; the end of me.
The next day was Memorial Day and I had a paid day off. I had no plans as usual, and I knew I would be unable to see Anya because her kids were off for the day, but I hoped to at least talk to her throughout the day since we both had some free time.
MONDAY, MAY 26, 2008
7:31 a.m.
“GOOD MORNING! HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY! HAVE A GOOD ONE! I LOVE YOU!”
And that was the extent of her message; a courtesy, purely obligatory with no exchange, as if I didn’t have a single feeling for her. There was no hurtful intention behind it, as I’m sure she felt she showed me kindness and to let me know I was on her mind, but texts like this one actually broke my heart because it made me feel like a nuisance as it left me with an empty feeling on a day I should have enjoyed. It’s easy to say happiness is found from within, but nothing brings more happiness than the euphoric feeling of being in love with someone and feeling needed by that person. It’s like equating nicotine to heroin; the comparison is impaled in contrast; not even close and dead. I didn’t want her to sense I was hurt by her quick exit so I told her I loved her too. The one thing I feared now more than anything especially after a positive visit was to distract her with my feelings and to take time away from her spending it with her kids like I did on her cruise of the bay, but to my dismay, the façade appeared to be on full display.
As I remained in bed the rest of the morning and into the afternoon, unable to move, a winter sun broke through in the form of a blinking red light on my phone.
12:49 p.m.
“Missing u.”
Her surprise text made me whole again as I suddenly rose out of bed.
ME: “Missing u too. I hope you’re having a nice day.”
ANYA: “I am sweets. Do you ever fantasize about me?”
ME: “Of course I do babe. Do you fantasize about me?”
ANYA: “All the time. Do you have any particular fantasies?”
ME: “I do.”
ANYA: “Would you ever share with me?”
ME: “Of course I would but you have to share one of yours with me too!”
ANYA: “I have many fantasies with you, babe.”
ME: “Thank God for that because you’re in every one of mine! Okay, do you want me to reveal one of mine to you?”
ANYA: “Yes!!!!”
I had never shared a fantasy with anyone before so this was a huge thing for me to do. I didn’t know how she would accept it, but if I couldn’t reveal at least one to the woman I loved then I had a serious mental block. If anyone earned the right for me to tell her a fantasy of mine, it was her. My heart was whole again now that I knew I was on her mind as much as she was on mine, and I began to feel bad for the way I viewed her morning text.
ME: “Alright here it goes. One fantasy I have involves candles and massaging you with baby oil.”
ANYA: “OMG!!! Sorry I have neighbors over and they won’t leave me alone for a second. Chat later! Love u!”
ME: “Ok. Love u!”
It was impossible to not feel disappointed as the façade left me wounded. After I sent her my fantasy text, one in which seemed to turn her off and I should have just kept to myself, I sat in my quiet empty apartment embarrassed and unable to move once again. I began to wish she had let me know in the beginning about her social life, that it was often times one big party with their house being party central. It left me to imagine her and her husband being lavished with praise as they hosted the yearly neighborhood Memorial Day extravaganza; as if there was nothing wrong with the marriage. I wondered if their neighbors were over the house why she would even ask me about my fantasies? What if they were all gathered around her phone and laughed at my revelation and that was the reason for her query about my fantasies? What if this was the norm, a game, and everyone was in on it over there except for me? I felt like a racehorse with a broken leg, rendered useless unable to keep pace with the façade, and just waiting to be put down--I couldn’t shake it off for the life of me. I knew after I received this text about the neighbors, my heart was in trouble today. She sent me a text later that evening as she always did, and I could no longer hide my struggle.
8:45 p.m.
“Goodnight sweets.”
ME: “Goodnight.”