“I would myself far rather suffer woe.”
~ Geoffrey Chaucer
8:37 p.m.
“Naturally, I was nervous about going to your place but I really want to talk to you in private as well. Sweet dreams tonight and I’ll catch you tomorrow.” Lv, A
We scheduled the day to meet at my place for January fifth, the first time we chose to see each other in two thousand and eight after the chaos of the parties, dinners and meetings were done. We simply needed to talk in private. I really had a lot of things on my mind. Things I needed her to know. Things I needed to know. Everything she thought about and was willing enough to share. I truly did have some board games at my apartment and as corny as it sounds, I always dreamt of playing one with a love interest, preferably over a few drinks. Although I must say, board games were more fun in my teens when I had a ton of free time as it’s much harder now to substantiate wasting three to five hours playing a game like Monopoly unless it’s with someone special. I just really wanted to sit down, and share our thoughts and feelings in a more relaxed setting and I thought playing a board game would lighten the atmosphere.
It was just four days from Christmas, a time of year I usually enjoyed but found more delightful with Anya in my life as the lights seemed more brilliant, the cold weather more tolerable, and even the crowds of people I usually detested were more pleasant. Yet even though there was temerity in my spirit, I was still afraid to admit to Anya that I was in love with her even though it was entirely true, and I felt mostly safe doing so. Although I remained egoless, I had become a prideful man since Denise left me, and had now constructed a staunch defense system which did not allow me to jump the gun too soon or worse yet, to hope. I assumed I would be alone for the rest of my life before I met Anya as I felt if I was meant to be with anyone it would have happened a long time ago, and as much as I wouldn’t admit it because of my internal shield, I knew at the very least I did love her, and it was due to the simple fact (and not because I was greatly attracted to her) that I was actually proud to be Landyn Lastman, for the first time in my life. She inspired me to think of things I never thought possible. Words I never thought I could string together. Emotions I never knew existed let alone be brave enough to show even as I hung off a ledge with both legs dangling miles above an unknown entity below me, an abyss I was not ready to fall in just yet.
There were so many things I wanted to tell her. I wanted her to know how I truly felt about her, but I needed a private forum. I needed to know if she truly felt the same way. I felt an isolated setting would initiate the goodwill between us, and even the badwill if there was any. All I wanted was brutal honesty from her, even if she had to rip my heart out and stomp on it, I wanted the good, the bad, and the hideous. I’d hope no matter what we could always remain friends because if she was brave enough to be brutally honest with me, I knew she respected me enough so I could pursue other options in my life if I had to. The truth was simply this; I didn’t have to date a married woman. In fact, I never would have considered it up to this point in my life, and even though it’s not easy to meet quality people when you’re thirty-seven and single for any gender, I still didn’t need to date a married woman. I enjoyed my nights at Paseo’s even with Mitch, but I knew without a doubt, meeting Anya was a Halley’s Comet event, and although I tried to run from it, the shooting star found me a second time, and I had to pay attention to the constellation she was. For me to turn my back on her a second time, I felt I’d be betraying destiny and all I ever stood for. I felt I would lose all I ever embodied, all I ever was and believed in if I didn’t give her a chance. Anya gave me a purpose in this life, a purpose painted far beyond my sight, but tattooed within my soul. It had only been a span of three weeks, but I subconsciously knew she was the one, regardless of the diamond ring she wore, the first night we met. The situation imperfect yes, but the connection--perfect.
I had planned to go over my parent’s house on the evening of December twenty-first. I knew my mom was starting her first batch of the chocolate chip cookies and green flavored corn flake holly leaves she made every year. On my way out the door though, I received a text from Anya.
5:40 p.m.
“Been thinking about whether to tell you or not about my B-day. Mostly because I’m in denial about turning 40. I’m going out with 11 of my girlfriends tonight. I just thought I’d let you know what I’ve been going through.”
“That sounds like fun! When is your birthday?” I texted back.
5:42 p.m.
“12-31.”
“That’s a pretty cool date to have a birthday on. You’re usually partying anyways so it makes it more fun!” I responded.
5:45 p.m.
“I DON’T LIKE MY BIRTHDAY. ESPECIALLY NOW THAT I’M TURNING 40.”
“What? You don’t like your birthday? Sweetheart…forty is the new thirty!” I texted.
5:48 p.m.
“THAT DOESN’T SCARE YOU AWAY?”
“Scare me away? What are you smoking over there? Of course not! Age is only a number besides you don’t look a day over forty. I couldn’t believe it when you told me you were thirty-nine. You look great! Plus, just think it could be worse…it could be your fiftieth birthday! Just think about those poor people! They have to party with death! Just kidding! Even fifty isn’t old nowadays. I bet you will look just as beautiful at fifty as you do at forty. I think you should pretend it’s really your fiftieth birthday but you found a time machine to reverse time and celebrate your fortieth instead. How’s that?” Texting her back as fast as my fingers allowed.
5:52 p.m.
“HAHA! YOU’RE TOO MUCH! THANKS FOR CHEERING ME UP. WELL, I GUESS I BETTER START GETTING READY. I MISS YOU.”
“Have a great time! I miss you too.” I textsponded.
After this exchange I was bummed out. Here the married woman was going out with eleven of her girlfriends and the single guy was heading over to his parent’s house to eat chocolate chip cookies and holly leaves. What is wrong with that portrait? At the same time though, I was happy for her. It was her fortieth birthday and I wasn’t able to celebrate it with her anyway. I wasn’t going to ruin her fun by telling her I was bummed I couldn’t be there but at the same time, I took solace in the belief she wished I could be there too.
6:45 p.m.
“ON MY WAY TO MY FIRST DESTINATION WITH 11 CRAZY AND LOUD GIRLS. I WISH YOU WERE HERE.”
As bad as I wanted to taste my mother’s freshly made chocolate chip cookies and holly leaves, two things I had to wait a year for, this text inspired me to stay at home for the evening in anticipation of the possibility of hearing from her again, and being able to respond without any distractions around me. Sure enough, she didn’t disappoint me.
10:41 p.m.
“STILL OUT. JUST WANTED TO SAY GOODNIGHT.”
After I received this text I feared that maybe she sensed I was disappointed I couldn’t be there with her. I really was, but after Denise I never wanted a woman to know if I was down as I felt it was more important to be supportive and not portray myself as the jealous or selfish type regardless of my past trust issues. Tonight wasn’t about me, it was about Anya, and even though it was a little tough, at the same time, I truly wanted her to have a great time and not think about me.
“Are you having a good time? I hope so!” I texted.
11:00 p.m.
“I AM SWEETIE! WE ARE JUST LEAVING SPAGO TO GO DANCING! I MISS YOU SOOO MUCH! WE’RE TAKING LOTS OF PICS!” LV, ME
She took the words right out of my mouth. To say I missed her would be an understatement. I knew how beautiful she looked every time we had met. It was hard on my heart knowing how badly I wanted to see how beautiful she looked on this night, but knowing I would only be able to see her in pictures. Pictures were good, but the feeling she gave me every time I laid my eyes on her in person was pure euphoria, as if I was on opiates. Even though I missed her, I knew I was inside her heart, so I wished her a goodnight, and decided to sleep off my longing. The next day was her Bocelli concert and she texted me during the show as well. With every “I miss you”, and “I wish you were here” text, it added to my safety level, and whether she meant it or not, which was impossible to ascertain anyway, I chose to trust that she did, and at that very moment, the first time in a long time I had put my trust in anyone, I knew I was on my way to a full recovery from the distrust of my past.
As the day before Christmas fell upon us, I realized I never had asked Anya about her religious affiliation mostly because I didn’t really care if she had one, and I didn’t want to ruin everything with my agnostic stance, even though I must admit, I would had probably joined Christianity if Anya was Christian. On the twenty-fourth of December though, my questions were subtly answered…
8:10 a.m.
“Have a happy Christmas Eve. I will be gone all day and night. Taking the kids to Disneyland. Looking forward to the 5th!” Lv, me
And then again on Christmas Day.
5:57 p.m.
“Missed you all day…Wishing you a very merry x-mas!”
10:19 p.m.
“Goodnight, hope Santa brings you everything you wished for!” Lv, me.
Growing up all I wanted were things that I could see and touch for Christmas. This was the first Christmas though I felt something more than just the holiday spirit. My parents always made Christmas a special time for me as my mother went out of her way to makes sure I got the things I wanted, but the thing Anya gave me was something money could never buy. A thing no one could physically see and touch, but could only feel from within. In what was soon to be thirty-eight years on the planet, I had never felt needed or wanted by anyone. Every day I walked through life as if I was already dead, like a ghost, and I lost faith I would ever experience what love felt like. When I say love, I mean a true love, not just an obligatory love, but a real love. It was something I had always wished for in life, not just on Christmas, and as imperfect as the love I received was to the outside world, it felt perfect to me as it was more I could ever ask for as Anya was truly more than everything I ever wanted in someone. She was simply inspiring to me. She took very good care of herself; she ate well, which drove me to do the same. She was very sweet and attentive to me even when she wasn’t physically with me, and when she was, the way she looked at me with her dreamy brown eyes before we kissed showed me, not simply told me, what I meant to her. I mean no one had ever looked at me that way, let alone before they kissed me. I could not only see how she felt, but also feel how she felt before our lips would even touch.
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I wanted my humble apartment to look as if she decorated it, as if she could live there. Nothing off the wall, but it had to make her feel comfortable as much as a place that isn’t her home could possibly be. I’d get some candles and a nice picture for the living room to make the place feel warm. I would then grab a few red wines, a pinot, a cab and perhaps even a merlot. I’d also grab something light for her to snack on like cheese and crackers, a veggies platter and even an assortment of fresh fruit in case she wanted that as well. As I delved into how I wanted my extremely humble apartment to look for a simple get together, I realized I cared too much to be able to do something I thought I could do; keep myself emotionally detached before we talked in private. I then began to wish I had met her when she was younger, but I quickly convinced myself she wouldn’t have appreciated me if I had. Before I met Anya, I was okay with being alone; even though I was lonely I learned over time not to feel it. Now I felt an unsubtle longing, an almost suffocating loneliness when she departed, and I could not distinguish how unnatural and irrational it was as I just wanted the way she felt about me to be so deeply real. I greatly missed simply kissing her, and I never thought I could ever miss such a relationship’s given than a kiss, but when our lips touched it was more romantic and passionate each and every time as we both seemed to realize the moment appeared with such a dire preciousness due to its temporary and fleeting nature that it left us with no choice but to cherish it. Her kiss alone simply made it impossible for me to deny to that I loved her.
The last weekend of December was an especially tough one for me as I found myself missing her more and more with each passing day. It was quite apparent I was falling hard at an increasingly infinite speed. On the morning of December twenty-eighth, after she sent me a good morning text, I texted her to see what her weekend plans were before I made mine.
9:02 a.m.
“Business dinner tonight and neighbor party tomorrow night. Wish they were with you.”
She told me business dinners were usually with her husband, and not once did I ever doubt they were just that. Trust was vital in our relationship and the one thing I trusted was the dislike for him that long existed before I was in her life. The bottom line was this as well, I was not in the financial position yet to have Anya leave to take care of her and her two kids. I felt fairly secure in Anya’s feelings for me and I knew she had to put on a business face so her kids could feel safe as well. At the same time, even though I knew this relationship was about my heart, in the same breath it was not. It was not about me or even about her, but about us. I had to accept the time was not now for her to leave him no matter how hard it was to not want her here with me already. We both needed to concentrate on getting to know each other as well as possible before that decision was made, and I trusted her and knew very well just because of the stark differences between the women in my life before her, that if she fell in love with me, she would do the right thing and be with me. I was completely confident she would keep her promise to me and would not allow me to feel anything if she had any plans of staying put. I decided that evening while she was at her business dinner, to go out by myself to a bar called the “Landmine” in Corona Del Mar. I just didn’t want to stay home, go to Paseo’s, or make the long drive to visit my parents. As I sat at the Landmine’s elongated bar, all I could do was think about Anya and how beautiful she probably looked this evening, as I held a drink in one hand and my cell phone in the other. As I fell deeper in thought and as my brain cells began to succumb to the alcohol’s melodies, I was suddenly awakened by a sweet voice and a light touch on my shoulder.
“Would you like to dance?”
The girl who stood before me was a young blonde bombshell not older than twenty-five years of age. She wore a tight white dress over her slender frame and had the sexiest set of blue eyes and red lipstick laden lips I had ever seen.
“Ah…you know I’m waiting for someone.” I said politely. “but thank you.”
“Okay.” she said as she looked at me incredulously before she slowly walked away.
I felt bad telling her no, in fact I felt awful, but I didn’t think it was fair to dance with her without there being a chance for her to really have fun with me. I came to get out of the house, and not to meet anyone like every guy does at a bar. It was at that point I realized I had no business being there if I only had plans of being just like the barstool I sat upon, so I decided to finish my drink and then head back home early.
Before I met Anya, I had performed a great many drunken dance moves with many brave women, but my relationship with Anya had to be about loyalty. It was what she needed the most from me, and I wanted her to have that in someone even when she wasn’t around. In my lifetime, I’ve seen a million women, and I’ve known at least a thousand, but Anya was the kind of girl you remained loyal to even in your thoughts. She commanded that much respect from me if I was truly in this for her happiness which I was. After three weeks I had only tunnel vision for her even when she wasn’t there, and that to me was a revelation because I never dreamt I could feel that strongly about someone. Suddenly, as if she could sense what had just happened inside the “Landmine”, I received a text from her when I got inside my car.
9:28 p.m.
“Having fun?”
I don’t know why I told her. I just thought she would be okay with it, and I wanted to be honest with her to inspire the same from her, but when I mentioned I was at the Landmine and that a girl just asked me to dance so I decided to leave, I didn’t hear from her for over an hour. It was odd for Anya not to quickly respond, and I immediately regretted telling her about the girl.
10:48 p.m.
“Still here. It was fine. We’re at Rigatoni’s, getting ready to leave. Miss you. Be safe.” A
As sensitive as I was to Anya’s trust issues, by telling her what I did, it seemed she assumed the worst. She knew how most guys were, and the one guy she trusted enough to marry had betrayed her so badly it destroyed her feelings for him. I knew I was a deeply loyal man, but Anya simply didn’t. I had to earn her trust, and I had to be more aware and sensitive to her pain than I already was. Her reaction put more stress and an urgency on January fifth’s meeting so I could show her she could trust me completely. I was not interested in anyone else but her. The next morning, like she did every morning and as reliable as the sunrise, Anya texted me.
7:13 a.m.
“Good morning! This is your wakeup call! Did you have fun last night? Sorry I couldn’t really talk last night.”
7:30 a.m.
“Have a happy day! I miss you. I don’t ever want to go this long without seeing you!”
Her last statement told me she missed me as bad as I missed her. It was hard last night knowing she was out, but I could sense it was just as bad for her as well. We both got through the weekend though, the first one that really made me wish we could be together now, but time was on our side, and more patience was needed.
The day before New Year’s Eve two thousand seven had a different feel from the others that preceded it. A night I had always gone out on, but always wished I could be at home sharing it with someone. Sure, I’d go out, and my body would be somewhere, but my heart was where she was. This year felt a little different as my thoughts were with Anya on her birthday. I never wondered how her New Year ’s Eve slash birthday parties were, all I could do was wish I could be with her to celebrate, but even though now wasn’t the time, I had someone now and the new year had more promise than any new year in the past.
5:23 p.m.
“Just thinking of you…” A
And I guess apparently, her heart was where I was too.
5:25 p.m.
“At the movies with my son. Thought of you.”
“I miss having your head on my shoulder and your hand in mine.” I responded via text.
5:28 p.m.
“You’re so sweet! Can’t wait to kiss you again!!!”
“You and me both!!! I had a hard time on Friday night. I don’t know why. I just did.” I admitted.
5:33 p.m.
“I don’t know what to say. I had a hard time on Friday also. It is crazy! I don’t know how this is possible considering how many times we’ve seen each other. My feelings are so overwhelming at times. Emotions are too strong. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t scared. I guess we should save it for the 5th.”
Save it for the fifth took on a whole new rich identity of its own. I immediately thought of Lexi when I received this text and her whirlwind of emotions, and even though this put me on guard, I also felt a sense of safety. Like a cool breeze on a hot muggy day, it was refreshing to know someone felt the same way I did about them, and she made me feel this way often. If doubt began to creep in, I would get an “I miss you” or “Thinking of you” text out of the blue. I learned everyday love was as important to her as it was to me, as it felt like we had both emerged from our cocoons at the same exact time, and we were just getting accustomed to the beauty we saw in our new wings.
Late that evening I received a call from Mitch Black who wanted to hang out on New Year’s Eve. I had originally planned to just stay home or go to my parents, but I also didn’t want Mitch to find out I was seeing Anya for a month now after he had been so vocal against me dating her so I feared he may suspect something was going on if I didn’t meet up with him especially on New Year's Eve. I had no idea we would reconnect and I believed the less Mitch suspected, the better off Anya and I both were.
“What are you doing for New Year’s eve Bro?” he asked.
“I was planning on staying in...”
“Staying in? When did you turn fifty man?”
“It’s just the beginning of a new year. I don’t think we need any reminders of that.”
“Dude, you have to come with me. Alice is going to be there with all her friends.”
“Alicia.”
“Alicia?”
“That’s her name… Alicia.”
“Yeah…well she’s gonna be there too.”
“What happened to you and the blind girl?”
“What do you think happened?”
“I don’t know. You tell me. I’m in the dark here. No pun intended.”
“What always happens Landyn? I came in through the front door and left through the back.”
“A true gentleman.”
“Screw em’ then leave em’. No emotions involved. Nobody gets hurt.”
“Only she does. Good point. So…where you goin’ on New Year’s?” I ask to change the topic.
“Paseos man! Where else would Alice and Alicia be?”
“I’ll try to meet you out there.” I said.
“No…you will meet me out there and you will be getting laid this weekend. I’m tired of your piss poor excuses loverboy. What has your quest for love gotten you? Where has your quest for love taken you? Loner town when you should be goin’ to funky town.”
“I prefer the sights and sounds of loner town thank you very much.”
“Stop being a loser.”
“I’ll try to be there.” I said without a commitment.
“Oh you will be there. A lot of wood to be chopped tomorrow night! Late!”
As Mitch got off the phone, I felt a great sense of relief. I wanted to go out and do something so I didn’t feel depressed but at the same time I was comfortable with just staying home. Anya held my heart and I would feel out of place anyway. Everyone would be there to have fun and all I would do is go to Paseo’s just so I could feel close to Anya, the place we met. I stayed up until midnight that evening, and at the very minute the time determined the day was December thirty-first, I texted Anya.
“I just wanted to wish you a very Happy Birthday! I hope you have a great time at your party and an even better day. Anya, please enjoy today and don’t wish time, especially moments like your fortieth birthday away. It’s a blessing.” Lv, L
5:08 a.m.
“Thank you! You are so sweet! This is your wake-up call! Have a great morning!” Lv, A
I thought it was important to try and be the first to wish her a happy birthday as it seemed the day she was born was a big day for me as well. As much as I wished I could be there with her at the party, I understood that was an impossibility and we were just getting to know and trust each other. I felt the day would eventually come when I could kiss and wish her a happy birthday and a happy new year in person. I never wanted to initiate texts because I wanted her to run the show in the relationship, but her birthday was an exception. I thought it was important for her to know her age was a non-factor. Life was something she should enjoy, because when her fiftieth birthday rolls around she would find herself wishing she was celebrating her fortieth again. To wish time away, and even moments, like a fortieth birthday, is one of the saddest things imaginable in life. I hoped what I told her had made a difference in her day, and made it at least a little bit better.
4:58 p.m.
“Whatever you do tonight be careful! Lots of crazies out tonight! Still touched by the thoughtful text at midnight from you! I love that about you, always thoughtful. Getting ready for my final night as a 39 year old. Had a great day, and now getting ready for party at 6.” Lv, A
As much as I should have gotten out of the house on that new year’s eve, if not to meet Mitch at Paseos, to at least visit my parents, I wasn’t much in the mood to. It was the first time I felt a loud schism between my cold lonely apartment and Anya’s warm social family life. I didn’t ask for details about her party since I didn’t feel it was appropriate, so I imagined them instead. The only thing missing in the stillness of my room that evening was the music of Madame Butterfly. I couldn’t sleep a wink as I imagined the scene around her. The hugs. The kisses. The gifts. The music. The love she was surrounded by versus the four quiet dull empty white painted walls that surrounded me. All I could do was lie in my bed while I stared up into a plain ceiling, unable to see past it but knowing Anya and I were under the same moon regardless of how lonely I felt as I imagined the stars were lined up to spell January 5th in the heavens. My thoughts then led me to think of Dorigen in Chaucer’s “The Canterbury Tales”, the Franklin’s Tale in particular. How she feared her husband, a knight, who was out to sea, would be killed by the rocks on his long awaited return back to her. I had to be as noble as Aurelius, the squire, who was promised by Dorigen that he would have her love if he made the rocks vanish off the coast of Britanny. With a wizard’s help he made the rocks disappear, and he returned to her so she could fulfill her promise to him, however in the end, Aurelius had a change of heart when he learned of her happiness upon the safe return of her husband. Like Aurelius, I was a squire by today’s standards but that didn’t preclude a knight’s honor from residing within me. Even though the story was different from Anya’s and mine, I had to be just as noble as Aurelius was. I had to take the pain like a wounded soldier, and believe it was only temporary. Her happiness truly meant more to me than my own, and was why I made the conscious choice to be in her life in the first place.
10:24 a.m.
“Hey L, Happy 2008! Missed you last night. Did you have fun?”
When I received this text from her, I told her I went out and had a couple of drinks but came home early. I didn’t want to be dishonest with her, but I didn’t want her to feel bad about having fun on her birthday while I stayed home missing her all night.
10:45 a.m.
“No way! You only had two drinks! The party was fun. I didn’t drink much either. I just thought about you all night and of course at midnight! Know that you’re always with me and my thoughts. When it gets hard I just think about the 5th. Hard to believe I’ll see you in a few days.”
I had to be honest about my feelings but not too honest--she couldn't know I stayed home, and New Year’s Eve was the loneliest night of my life. I had to be noble, and she would not choose happiness if I told her I was hurting. It was way too soon for her to leave anyway, but the strong feelings I had were unexpected--regardless of how much I dreamt of being in love for most of my life. To be honest, I was just happy to hear from her.
The next morning, the unexpected suddenly became more of a reality, and the strong feelings I felt inside and the safety of them were now on the verge of a complete catastrophe.
5:13 a.m.
“Hi, at the gym. Hope you don’t have your phone on, don’t want to wake you up. I’m sorry I didn’t answer till now. Had a rough night, will explain later.”
“Ok. How’s your ankle feeling?” I responded.
7:28 a.m.
“Ankle feels ok. I ran 8 but had to ice after. You’re always so thoughtful. Yeah my night was interesting. He said I’ve been elusive and preoccupied. Landyn, I’m sorry but I’m afraid I won’t be able to see you on the 5th.”