“…There is the heat of Love, the pulsing rush of Longing, the lover’s whisper, irresistible—magic to make the sanest man go mad.”
~ Homer “The Iliad”
8:58 a.m
“Good morning! How’s your Spanish coming along?” Anya messaged me.
ME: “As bad as it always been, but I must say…I do have a new found appreciation for the Spanish language. Good morning my love! How r u?”
ANYA: “Ha! I’m doing well. Went running with the girls this morning, wasn’t easy! How r u?”
ME: “I’m great. Thanks for texting me last night. You had to be exhausted.”
ANYA: “I was babe. I just missed you.”
ME: “I missed you like crazy. It was so nice to see you again.”
ANYA: “I missed you like crazy too! Hard to go a week without kissing you, addicting. Hun, I hope you won’t be upset with me but I have a business dinner with a potential client I met at the event last night on Saturday evening. Unfortunately I will have to cancel on Saturday.”
My heart sunk into my stomach as I heard this news, but I was also in a good place in my mind now. After yesterday’s show, I knew she was just as bummed out about it as I was.
ME: “I understand babe.”
ANYA: “Are you sure you’re not mad at me?”
ME: “Of course not Sweetheart. I know it isn’t easy on you over there, and it’s something you have to do.”
ANYA: “Thanks for understanding. No, it’s not easy. I’m just lucky you’re patient and understanding. I also realize you’re human and it’s not easy for you to be on the other side. I would see you every day if I could.”
ME: “I know you would, and you know I’d love to see you every day. As hard as it is, you’re my heartbeat and I believe one day we’ll be able to see each other every day.”
ANYA: “Thank you and you are mine. You’re an incredible man. I hope you know that. I love you!”
ME: “I don’t know what I’ve done to make you think that but if you say so I’ll go with it. I love you too!”
ANYA: “I feel that way about you because you are an amazing and incredible man! Never met a man like you. Your mom should be proud!”
ME: “Thank you Beautiful, but I think you’re the amazing and incredible one. I don’t know how you manage it all.”
Although I was really disappointed Saturday was a no go, I felt more secure in her love for me than I ever did after her latest show of affection. I brought the Latin CD she burned for me and listened to “Toda Una Vida” in my car on the way to work and even on my lunch break. Each time I listened to the words of the song, it was as if she sat next to me, close to me, closer than ever with her translation of the most beautiful lyrics I had ever heard.
Anya’s son came home from camp so I didn’t expect to hear from her at all in the evening. She had told me she missed him and couldn’t wait until he got back home because he was her baby. It was hard to hear that because I had always wanted a child of my own, but it also touched my heart to know she shared a special bond with Andrew given the circumstances that surrounded his birth. I would be remiss not to admit it made me sad I didn’t have a special bond with someone like that, as all I had was a keyboard and my journal each night to come home to. In a million years however I never thought I would be so in love with a woman who had children. I never really judged women with kids, but to be so drawn to her was surprising let alone one with two children and who was married, yet it made me long for her even more because she was so mature. Not only did she know a lot about how to love, but also how to navigate life.
The following morning, she text me with her plans.
8:43 a.m.
“Good morning! Week is booked except Friday. Andrew has baseball games all week and he’s pitching today. Can you take off for “lunch” on Friday? Would love to see you right before I leave.”
I was ecstatic when I received this text from her as I believed I wouldn’t see her until she returned from Spain.
“Friday is perfect! Can’t wait!” I responded.
I believe I could have walked from L.A. to New York and back twice before Friday finally arrived as the anticipation made the wait feel that agonizingly long. The chemical imbalances this love created in my mind seemed to produce one hell of an acid trip, so much so I thought I was hallucinating whenever I saw her, but that’s what one signs up for when they fall in love with someone in this situation. When Friday finally made its appearance, and we both found ourselves, skin on skin, again in my bed, I immediately recognized this would be far from an ordinary visit.
“I want to feel you inside of me so bad.” she stated as she rolled into my arms after we had come close to making love yet again.
That was the first time she told me that when we were together in bed, and not communicated over the phone. There was trust and love in her pained voice as I suddenly became the most aroused I had been with her, even to the point I feared I would be unable to contain it. I mean, I’ve heard of a “minute man” but a “seconds man” wouldn’t have been a good thing I was certain. This time however, it was nearly impossible to hold back as she looked as beautiful as ever with her hair strewn across my pillow and her arms laid out above her head. I would even say without the slightest reservation she was on par with a cover girl for any Sports Illustrated Swimsuit or Playboy issue I had ever seen. The position of her body, the smell of her skin, the touch of her cool hands along my body, the ambiance of the candle lit room, the look in her eyes and the sound of her sweet voice made me realize I was a man of great, even more than unnecessary restraint as I held back yet again, but her physical beauty wasn't the reason I felt this way. What made it truly difficult was how gorgeous of a person she was on the inside. In my eyes, she was not only the greatest looking woman but the greatest woman I had ever met. The hardest realization I had ever encountered in my life was knowing that although this pristine beauty’s heart belonged to me, she didn’t…but for moments like today, I’d take it, in any way, shape or form as I loved her that much more even with all that knowledge.
“I wish I could fall asleep in your arms every night.” she said. “You feel so good.”
“I think I could get really used to that.” I said as I thought about the scenario. “Especially on cold rainy nights. It would be nice to fall asleep to the sound of the rain together.”
“I could just cry imagining.” she stated further. “I would be so happy.”
“Me too.” I said as I kissed her. “Have you ever been in love before you met your husband?”
“No. Not really. I always had boyfriends but not sure if you could call it love.”
“Did you ever dream of falling in love when you were a little girl?”
“I never really thought about falling in love. Did you?”
“Probably not the manliness of things to do but, yes…I used to dream about it when I was younger.” I said. “I guess when you’re surrounded by boyfriends you don’t really think about it much, but…I never really had girlfriends. Heck, I’ve never even had someone I could call a “girlfriend” when I was younger. I just always thought it would happen for me…you know? It happened for my parents; for lots of people. It just seemed like a given to fall in love one day and to get married, but then, it never happened. I guess I’ve always been a dreamer when it came to love. I’ve really had no choice but to be.”
“I think I was in love once…but nothing even close to this.” she whispered. “It wasn’t true love. I know that now.”
As I kissed her again, I couldn’t help but appreciate the significance of her statement; that she loved me more than she ever loved any other man before me. I didn’t think I was better looking than any of them, I was certain of that, but my ability to love her, I’m sure was different than what she received from the other men in her life. As much as her statement meant to me, love was a lifetime commitment to someone, and I had loved her for only about four months. I still had a lot of proving to do but she made it easy for me because of who she was, where she had been and how much she felt for me already. The way I loved would scare most women away, and it has before, but Anya was the only one who had been a magnetized by it, and that’s all I needed; someone who appreciated that in me. It’s why I felt she was my soul mate.
“I used to be shy around girls when I was younger.”
“Why were you shy around girls?”
“I think it was because I dreamt about love and I didn’t want them to know how vulnerable I was, and I guess to protect myself from rejection.”
“Are you still shy around girls?”
“Not anymore.” I replied. “But I usually have to drink to initiate a conversation with them.”
“Were you drunk when you met me?” she asked, perking up.
“I had a couple of drinks.” I admitted. “I guess I was drunk enough to smile.”
“Ha! Your smile drew me to you. Maybe it was love at first sight?”
“Do you believe in that being possible? Love at first sight?”
“Why couldn’t it have been?”
“Because there’s a lot to know about someone too! Anyone who can see you knows how beautiful you are on the outside but if I had known how beautiful you were on the inside I would believe in the love at first sight possibility.”
“You’re always so sweet to me. Falling in love with you is so easy and natural. I love that you’re not afraid to tell me your feelings.”
“You make that easy for me to do. Your love has opened me up. I didn’t know who I really was until I met you.”
“I didn’t know I was capable of feeling this way. Your love had opened me up too. I’m still a little nervous about my trip.” she shifted abruptly. “I’m not excited about packing.”
“What makes you so nervous about the trip?” I asked.
“Being away from the kids and not having contact with you. I wonder if things could change between us.”
“I worry about your feelings changing for me…but I can assure you, my feelings for you will not change. That’s the last thing you should be nervous about.”
“How can you be so sure babe? Maybe out of frustration? I don’t know. I just worry.”
“This is how I know.” I said as I put her hand on my chest and over my heart. “You’re in here now.”
“In my lifetime I could never forget you.” she said. “You’re embedded in my heart and my head forever. I truly love you too.”
I knew what she meant as she now had to face her husband for ten days without their children around. She’d have to ask any questions he had and would have to accept his demands. They were married and there was nothing I could do to change that right now. I didn’t want her to get caught cheating even though I felt she wasn’t doing anything he did; she was in love with me, and this was not just a roll in the hay. This was a deeply emotional relationship, not one just skin deep.
“I know you’ve never met someone like me but I’ve always been a monogamous type of guy. “ I said to further reassure her. “When I have someone in my heart, they own it because it’s really hard to get in there. It’s who I am. Most of the time I wish I was a normal guy.”
“You’re a normal guy with extraordinary qualities babe!” she said to me. “and I’m so honored! Hard to get in your heart? How did I get so lucky?”
“It makes me smile and tear up at the same time every time I think about how special you are. I’m by far the lucky one.”
“Thank you. You melt me you know? I love you baby.” she said as she kissed my chest.
“I love you too.” I said as I held her tight in my arms and kissed the top of her head. “I would rather have your love and you more than anything else in this world. I believe you’re my true love with all my heart and that’s the only thing I want from this gift of life. I love you very much. Always…always.”
“You’re going to make me cry. Thank you. I feel like I can go now with no worries.” she said as she laid her head upon my chest. “I had a crazy thought last night to just leave. I’m not a very patient person. I miss you so so much.”
“I think that’s a silly thought more than it is crazy.” I said. “Sweetheart, I love you now and tomorrow and even more than that when you get home. You are worrying for nothing! I want you to enjoy your trip and not let it be ruined because of a false fear you would lose me. You have a better chance of surviving a trip to Jupiter than losing me. I would have to say those are pretty good odds my love is going to be here when you return home.”
After I finished these heartfelt words she smiled excitedly and then kissed me. It was at that moment I knew she felt safe about leaving for Spain. It wasn't my job to make her feel bad for taking a business trip she had to make. I knew she worked for her husband so I had to accept that part of the relationship until it changed. The trip brought out a lot of emotions in her and I knew why she didn't want to go. The truth of the matter was she simply needed to leave her husband, and even though her kids would be affected in the short-term if she did, I believed over the long run they would be okay simply because they were sharp strong minded kids. I also believed I would be a fantastic step father to them. I would treat them as my own and they would feel like they had two dads who loved and cared for them instead of one. Based on all I knew, all the conversations and the pain we shared, whatever way she needed to do it, she had to find a way to tell him good-bye as our relationship was too grand to ignore. It was really only a matter of time before she had to face the music that now blared loudly.
“I don’t know if you want this info but I started a list of all the pros and cons.” she said.
There were times Anya would catch me completely unprepared with the way she would reveal things. This was one of those times as I instantly thought of the unheard cons I wasn’t ready to hear.
“Should I be worried?” I asked.
“No—it’s something I still have to figure out myself. It’s nothing new. I’m just putting it down on paper now.”
“I think it’s a smart thing to do.” I said lowly as my stomach turned. “I hope I don’t lose you.”
Anya then sat straight up and looked at me incredulously.
“No you’re not baby. What made you feel that way? I’m just thinking.”
“I don’t know. I guess I’m focusing on the cons instead of the pros.”
“Isn’t that like looking at the glass half empty instead of half full?”
“You’re right, I’m sorry. I should be more positive about it. My past drags me backwards sometimes.”
“Actually I just need one thing on the pro side.”
“What’s that?”
“Your love.” she said as she leaned forward and rested her lips upon mine.
“I think we’re good to go then.” I said with a grin and a sigh of relief.
She then extended her pinky to me to let me know, this visit was not going to be about a pros and cons list, and as I met hers with mine, we smiled, laughed then kissed again.
“Whenever you tell me stories about the possibility of you leaving I get excited. I hate to tell you that, and of course I don’t want you to run, but it’s hard for me not to feel a sense of happiness…even though I know now isn’t the best time. I hope I don’t sound impatient by telling you that.”
“You have no idea. I dream about it.” she said. “I don’t believe you’re impatient. Even if you were you would never show it. Noble of you.”
“Well, being an honest guy in a dishonest situation makes it difficult sometimes.” I said. “Whenever it gets tough though, I refer to the Canterbury Tales by Chaucer.”
“The Canterbury Tales? Are you serious?”
“Dead.”
“Which tale?”
“The Franklin’s.” I told her. “The story of Dorigen and Aurelius.”
“You’re referencing a tale…from the fourteenth century? How do you even remember it?”
“I just do.”
“I’m impressed. I’m going to have to find it and read it now.”
“Read it. Know it. Live it.” I said as I quoted Judge Reinhold from “Fast Times at Ridgemont High”.
“I’m so lucky to have your love babe. So very lucky.”
“I feel the same way.” I said as I leaned in to kiss her.
This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road. If you spot it on Amazon, please report it.
“I’m going to look that tale up when I get home, but it doesn’t matter though.”
“No?” I said playfully.
“Because you’re the modern romantic... and I adore you.”
I brought my right hand gently through her hair and to the back of her head as I slowly pulled her face to mine so I could kiss her, but when our smiles fought back the intent of our lips I drew her body directly upon mine.
“I wish I could see you every day.” she said.
“That would make my life.” I said as I held her tighter.
“I’m going to miss you greatly.”
“I’m going to miss you greatly too.”
“I’m not happy about leaving.” she said. “Sometimes these trips can last a day or two longer, but I’ll let you know. I could also come back earlier too though.”
“Like I said…my love will be here waiting for you when you get back. We’ll be okay.”
“Okay.” she said. “I love you.”
“I love you too.” I said as our lips met again.
She then pulled herself slowly away from me and gazed at me in contemplation for a few seconds before she spoke.
“I’ve met younger guys before, but they were always so immature and goofy.” she said. “I’ve met older men too, but they were mostly too stuffy.”
“So where do I reside? In the older and stuffy class or the young and goofy one?”
“You reside in neither babe.” she said. “You’re the perfect balance between the two.”
“Why, thank you.”
“When I get back, I would like to see if we could go out on a date.”
“You mean an actual date date?”
“Yes!” she exclaimed. “A real date.”
It was the sweetest thought for her to want to schedule a real date for us. It was something I had wanted to plan but I had to allow her to dictate its course because of the nature of our relationship. When I thought she couldn’t love me more, she seemed to always find a way to make me feel worthy of her heart and worthy of being together. I felt her skin with my hand as I glided it softly on her shoulder and along her arm as she laid on her side to face me as the purple top and white pants she arrived earlier in now laid somewhere on the floor beneath us. I beheld her eyes in mine, a set of eyes I could get lost forever in as they gazed lovingly back at me.
“I usually sleep naked.” she said to me. “Do you sleep naked?”
“I never have.” I answered. “I usually sleep in my boxer briefs with no shirt.”
“Sexy.”
“Ha! If you say so.”
“I’ve always slept naked. You should try it babe. It’s good for the skin.”
“Maybe I’ll give it a shot then.”
“I even walk around the house naked during the day. My son is starting to give me weird looks though because I do it when he’s around at times. I think he’s getting too old for me to be doing that.”
I didn’t want to say anything that could offend her, but I did find it bizarre she walked around the house naked even around her kids who were close to being teenagers. Something just sounded off to me about that, but then again, she did possess the softest skin I ever touched so it was hard to argue with the logic if she did it for skin care purposes. Anya was also a vegetarian so she was into natural beauty and body care, and even though I preferred her natural beauty be for my eyes only, I believed her choice was truly for health purposes more than for the purpose of vanity.
“My son can be kind of chauvinistic at times.”
“Can’t we all be Sweetheart?” I said as I smiled. “I mean sometimes boys will be boys. As long as he isn’t disrespectful to women I think that happens.”
“You’re not chauvinistic.”
“I don’t believe so, but have I had a chauvinistic moment among the boys? I’ve had a few.” I admitted.
“You’d never be chauvinistic around women though.”
“I’m single for a reason. Chauvinistic guys do well with the ladies you know.”
“Not with this lady.”
“That’s because you’re one in a million.” I told her with every ounce of truth behind it. “Now you know why I consider myself the lucky one.”
“I get really sick to my stomach when I think about you meeting someone else. Really sick.”
“I know the feeling…but I love you and I don’t want anyone else. Ever.”
“Do you think we could be friends if things didn’t work out? “
“Oh babe. I don’t think I could do it.”
“How come?”
“Because I would feel I was being disingenuous.”
“Why?
“Because I would always want more.”
“I don’t think I could be friends either.” She confessed. “I wouldn’t want to hear if you met someone.”
I always thought she didn’t think or cared about that much. It was good to know how meeting someone else would affect her because I got sick to my stomach thinking the same thing. I didn’t want another man touching her and that thought alone made me extremely nauseous. It was hard to explain all the physiological changes that consumed me, but one thought that brought me the most intense pain, was the one of her being in someone else’s arms other than mine. Even though she physically belonged to someone else at the moment, her heart belonged to me, and I believed it would eventually bring the physical part of her to me. She made me feel secure she did not love her husband. She never kissed him when he kissed her. She never said “I love you” when he said it to her, and she lived like roommates with him. Without that information, I would never have been in this relationship as that knowledge alone got me through the lonely nights. Then she hit me with something that really surprised me.
“I just want to take you in and look at you.” she said.
I smiled then obliged her as I silently took her in as well.
“Would you ever ask me to marry you?” she asked.
“I live for that chance alone.” I said as I tried to choke back tears from her beautiful question. “I guess the more important question is if you would say yes.”
“In a heartbeat.”
“Well, I would pop the question to you…in a heartbeat.” I said. “In fact…I even know how I would do it.”
“How would you do it babe?”
“Ha! I can’t tell you that. It would take away the surprise.” I said as I held the fully lit Eiffel Tower at night in my imagination. “But I already know how I would do it.”
“You’ve already thought it out?” she said as a fast tear made a transit on her cheek.
“Not only have I thought it out. I’ve dreamt about it. Replayed it in my mind already more than a hundred times.” I said. “What it boils down to for me is how I know you just can’t buy this kind of love. You can’t go out and find this kind of love either. You have to wait for it. You have to sacrifice. You have to dream and most of all you have to believe this love exists with no guarantee it even does…and for the most part I had done that my entire life. There is no way I’m not going to fight to make it happen one day. The right way of course. You’re simply better than the woman of my dreams, and it’s not even close.”
“I want to be with you. I dream of it.”
“You’re the only one for me. That’s why you should feel good about your trip.” I smiled as I put my hand through her hair. “One day we’ll take a trip together. Our time will come.”
“My mom would love you.”
“Really? How could you be so sure?”
“I know her well enough to know she would.” she said. “My mom knows everything. She knows all about my husband’s infidelities.”
"Oh. I had no idea she knew. I'm sure I would love your mom, and I'm certain my mom would love you, in fact I think my mom would probably love you more than she loves me!" I said then chuckled. "Does your dad know of his infidelities too?"
“No. He doesn’t know.”
“How did your mom find out?”
“The night I found out.” she said. “She was the only I could turn to.”
“How did you find out about his infidelity?”
“A friend told me. She worked for my husband.”
“Were you aware he was cheating at all?”
“Now that I look back there were definitely clues but not at all until she told me what was going on.” she said softly. “I confronted him about it that night when he came home from work and he confessed to it.”
“Well, I have to give him props for confessing.”
“Please don’t give him too much credit. He couldn’t deny it babe. I had proof so he had nowhere to go.”
“I see.”
“The night he admitted to the affair, I was seven months pregnant. I could feel my baby moving frantically inside of me; I guess the noise stressed him out.” She said in a soft tone. “I then went to my daughter’s room and when I opened the door she was right behind it looking up at me with these sad big brown eyes. I could see she was scared and confused. I then grabbed the car keys and Katie, then headed to a hotel. There in that lonely quiet hotel room with my two year old little girl, we stayed with an unknown future before us. I tried to keep my emotions in check the best I could, but when I looked into her frightened eyes I thought how could I possibly raise her on my own? How could I give her the best possible life, a secure one, one that she deserved if I left him? How could I possibly raise two these kids on my own? When I couldn’t answer those questions, I decided to return home to try and make things work…but a few years later, well…you know.”
As I listened to Anya’s story of the night she found out about her husband’s infidelities, I began to feel ill, as if it had happened to me, as if I had been in that hotel room with them. I couldn’t say a word, as I was too affected by her story for them to sound like the right thing to say. If I didn’t like her husband as her husband before, I certainly didn’t like it now. To cheat on your wife, while she was pregnant with your child was one of the most narcissistic arrogant acts I had ever heard of, and I was devastated for her, devastated that there were no other options for her with the real tragedy being the current option before her that came twelve years too late.
“I’m so sorry.” I said. “I’m so sorry you had to go through that. No woman, let alone one carrying a child, should ever have to experience something like that.”
“I think I did it the right way though. Don’t you think? By going to the hotel room?”
“I think so.” I said. “I just wish I had known you so you had an option.”
“I love you.”
“I love you.”
“If it wasn’t for my kids I had been long gone.” she said. “I want to be with you. I want to change my life. I would probably have to get a part-time job if I do though. I can’t work a full-time job.”
“If you were with me, I wouldn’t want you to work at all.” I said. “I would want to take care of you.”
“I don’t think I could let you do that babe. I wouldn’t feel right about that.”
“Well, I would feel right about it. I would want you to spend time with your kids, as much time as possible so that they understood your decision and more importantly, I would want you to be selfish in taking good care of yourself with no unnecessary stress in your life.”
“That’s not fair to you though babe.”
“Just having you in my arms at the end of the day makes it all fair, Beautiful.” I said.
Pure elation filled my heart the more she talked about her desire to change things. It was the first time she talked about the future, what she wanted and how she would adjust to a new life. Our talk of the future even included a warning from her not to get a pet. To have this beautiful woman and person in my life every day for the rest of mine made me feel blessed, as if God had been watching over me all this time even while I didn’t believe in his existence. I never believed a single human being could bring my life this much meaning and purpose as simply having her in my life, to be able to be around her every day, my soulmate nonetheless, made this life worth living. I actually felt like a rich man, and I didn’t need a single dollar in my bank account to feel that way, but that’s love for you as it makes you feel like the richest person alive.
Anya told me she had to leave at one, but our talk about the future kept her in my arms for over a half hour later than that. Here I was, as I tried to get her to feel safe just before she left for her trip, she left me with the greatest feeling of safety I had ever felt in her love for me. I gazed at her face as long as I could so it’s beauty would be imprinted on my mind, not because I feared I might forget her, but only because I wanted to see her every day for those ten days as vividly as possible.
As the euphoria of her visit lingered a few hours after she left, and while my phone laid on my chest, I waited for a text I’d never receive.
“Hi Beautiful!” I said as I picked up my phone on the first ring.
“I miss you.”
‘I miss you too.” I said. “Hard to let you go after such a great time together.”
“I felt a greater connection today. I can’t stop thinking about you. It’s driving me crazy!”
“I did too. I haven’t stopped thinking about how beautiful you looked today.”
“You looked so hot without your shirt. We make a hot couple. We’re a perfect fit aren’t we?”
“Ha! I think so!”
“Please forgive me if I seem clingy. I’ve never felt this way before a trip. I feel like a little kid anxious about going off to camp. Nervous as heck. Can’t help it!”
“Cling all you want. I love it.” I said. “But don’t be nervous babe. We picked right off where we left off when we were five months apart, remember? It should be easy to do after just ten days.”
“Why do you have to be so wonderful?”
“I don’t know. I just am.” I said as I laughed after I poked fun at my high sense of self.
“Ha! You are! I’m eating chocolate chip cookies right now you know.” she stated. “I do that when I’m down.”
“Enjoy the cookies but don’t be down. I now it’s hard but nothing is going to change between us. We’re stronger than ever. I have “Toda Una Vida” to remind me of you. An entire lifetime. The beauty of today. I’ll miss you no doubt, but I’ve never loved you more.”
“Thank you babe. I’ve never loved anyone more.” she said. “I’ve come to terms with going away. It’s something I have to do for business. They are expecting me to so I’m sucking it up.”
“I know if you had a choice you wouldn’t go, but it’s something you have to do for your kids too. I get it. Is it the business aspect of the trip that leaves you feeling this way?
“No, not at all. I was feeling sad about leaving without you. I was also concerned about things changing between us. I just miss you already.”
“Do you really believe my feelings could ever change for you? I’m not your husband Sweetheart, I’m faithful because I truly love you. I mean what I say and I say what I mean.”
“I truly love you too.”
Anya was antsy before her trip and I understood how leaving could make her feel like love wouldn’t be waiting for her when she returned. She shared with me some really personal things today, and for all I know a trip away from home was when he cheated on her. I just had to be sensitive to her feelings, and hold her fragile heart with the greatest of care. Her wounds were healing with me but she was still scarred. I had to show her the end of the pain of her past was not only at hand but in my hands, someone who truly loved her. As much as I didn’t want her to go to Spain, it provided a great opportunity for me to deepen her trust in my love for her. If I could endure these ten days, we were going to be all right, and after the events over the last two weeks, it would be a piece of cake.
I decided to reluctantly say goodnight to her so she could spend time with her kids. I wasn’t the only one she was going to be away from for ten days, and I had already taken enough of her time for the day.
The very first thing I did the next morning was text her. I knew she would be busy and probably packing at the last minute before her flight left at noon, and I didn’t want to burden her with goodbyes if she was in a complete rush. After I text her, she immediately returned my text.
ANYA: “It’s always nice to hear from you first thing in the morning. You’ve been on my mind non-stop!”
ME: “I MISS YOU ALREADY! I love hanging with you.”
ANYA: “I MISS YOU TOO!!! I love hanging with you, doesn’t matter where. I love u baby!!”
ME: “I love you too Beautiful. Yesterday was my favorite day together. It’s hard to believe but I actually fell deeper in love with you.”
ANYA: “I fell deeper as well. Greatest feeling! Hard for me to describe how much I feel for u right now. Overwhelming! I can’t believe I’m not excited about going to Barcelona. I’m losing my mind!”
ME: “Well, as much as I hate to see you go, I would hate for you not to enjoy your trip because of me. I think we made great memories yesterday to get us both through.”
ANYA: “I’m glad we met yesterday. It was a great day and I’m glad I’m leaving with great memories of us!”
ME: “So why not have a great time and we’ll pick up right where we left off when you return. Just don’t forget me!”
ANYA: “Impossible. You’re my true love. I love you with every part of me! Happy early Easter! Happy early 4 months anniversary! Early good morning and good nights to you!”
The happy early four months of her text got to me and I started to tear up. It was just the sweetest thing for her to remember we started seeing each other four months ago. I usually remembered those kinds of things in a relationship, but I never had a woman care enough about the time we accumulated together. It just hit me because it showed how over four months our love had only grown for each other.
ME: “Thank you for the very thoughtful text. Four months. I sure fell in love with not only a wonderful girl but also a wonderful person.”
ANYA: “Thank u baby! I fell in love with the most incredible man and I feel lucky to have found him. Loving you is the easiest thing on earth. I’m blessed with your love!!!”
ME: “Well, it’s pretty natural to love you. I’m blessed too.”
ANYA: “I know this is weird but do you know you’re the only man I kiss? I will dream of you and your kisses. I love you too.”
ME: “You’ve shared that tidbit of information with me before so I don’t think it’s weird. I love you too.”
ANYA: “I kiss on the cheek. No feelings. Very sad. Sorry, TMI.”
ME: “He’s been emotionally abusive to you Sweetheart, and he’s your husband. That’s the last person on earth who should be emotionally abusive, and that’s almost as bad if not worse than physical abuse. He’s hurt you so bad you’ve been driven to fall in love with another man. What do you mostly feel now?”
ANYA: “I think hurt then resentment. I’m not bitter but just numb. I go through the motions for my kids. I’d do anything to protect them.”
“I’d do anything to protect them” was something I agreed with but I also disagreed with. I felt being dishonest with them about her marriage was something I had a hard time understanding only because his infidelities had led her to me—not to mention there was another man before she met me. I was certain society recognized her marriage but at this point I felt God no longer did because of the shattered vows, but I also felt they needed to feel safe at home, and to know they were going to be taken care of. To me that was worth protecting, but to protect a façade, when I was in her life now I had a hard time digesting. As much as this statement didn’t sit well with me, I had to take it for what it was. This was a business trip with her husband to me, but a trip alone with him to protect the kids, and I had to accept that aspect of it.
ME: “Well, I’m glad I’m the only man you kiss. I just hope you don’t ever stop.”
ANYA: “You look amazing hun! I don’t think I can stop kissing you! My drug of choice!”
ME: “Amazing? Me? I’m just a regular guy babe. You’re beautiful though.”
ANYA: “Yes u babe! I still blush when you call me beautiful. I just love you so much that when you say it to me, it means a lot.”
ME: “Well, it’s easy to say because nothing has ever been truer.”
ANYA: “I still worry about things changing between us when I’m gone.”
ME: “Why babe?”
ANYA: “I don’t know. I just worry about losing what we have.”
ME: “Sweetheart, can I ask you a question?”
ANYA: “K”
ME: “If the roles were reversed. If I was in your shoes and you were in mine. Would you be with me in this situation?”
ANYA: “No.”
ME: “Then you should not have a single doubt how much you mean to me and how much I love you.”
ANYA: “What have I done to deserve a man like you?”
ME: “You gave me your greatest gift. Your ability to love someone, and I love you for it, and all the suns you’ve brought into my sky.”
ANYA: “Thank you for all your kind words. I love you.”
ME: “I love you too. Thank you for being you. I’m sure you have to get going. Do you know your itinerary?”
ANYA: “You’re right babe, I better get ready to go. I don’t have the itinerary, he does.
ME: “Ok, well…I’ll miss you very much.”
ANYA: I will miss you with every inch of my soul! I will think of you every minute! I will text you the second I get back love. I love you!”
ME: “Have a wonderful time Beautiful. I will miss every little piece of you. I love you too. Have a nice flight and a safe trip.”
ANYA: “XOXO!”
And just like that, she was gone for ten days perhaps even longer. It was truly the saddest most sober moment of my life. Even though I had her love in my heart, I had “Toda Una Vida” playing in my head and the memories of her beautiful smile; I was losing contact with my best friend for ten days. As the reality of the moment suddenly sank in I began to feel the anxiety of losing her love. What if these ten days away changed her feelings for me? What if she used these ten days to mend her marriage? I would have no choice but to let her go if that happened. Even though I knew these upcoming days would provide many questions and be difficult on my heart and psyche, I had to find the strength inside to rally.
Monday, March twenty-fourth two thousand eight was undoubtedly the single longest day of my life as I spent the entire afternoon and lunch hour looking at my phone reading her old texts. Fortunately I had saved many of the texts she sent me over the last four months and even kissed my phone like a kid when I read one that brought back a great memory. I only had four months worth of memories but it felt like I had a lifetime of them. If people knew of my relationship with her, how I struggled when we were apart because I missed her so much, I’m sure they would wonder why I would tolerate the agony. Why would I not try and meet someone else and not go through the withdrawals? Yes, I could have met someone else and even had kids with them, but the reason I was willing to take the pain was because I knew there was only one Anya. I knew without a doubt she was my soulmate, and because of this absolute lack of uncertainty, I was willing to suffer. Anya also didn’t need to be molded into someone I could love. I loved her naturally and she loved me better than anyone who had been free to love me whenever they wanted to. If I told Anya about a story I read, or a movie I saw, she would go out and read the book and watch the movie. She made an effort to share in the same interests that I did, and that’s how I would love someone too. She knew how to love me and all because another woman could give me a child didn’t mean she was the one. The wholesome love that I’m sure God wanted everyone to be surrounded by, the kind of love that binds people forever that rarely exists, if at all anymore, I believed Anya and I had that very love; not the kind of love that settled upon the earth, but the kind of love God envisioned for everyone from in the heavens. Up to this point I lived life and loved to a yield of zero, and this was the most real anything had ever felt to me. This love was perfectly true and if it took my life from me now and in the end, so be it; so be my destiny. Adios Yellow Brick Road as the path I had so righteously followed over the last thirty seven years had led me on this very road, and I would have been crazy not to take the detour regardless of the agony of this very moment.
The second day was as rough as the first one. A silent phone my only friend as I cycled through saved text messages for comfort. I left the office several times just so I could have some privacy to read them in case I got emotional, as I further realized how deeply in love with her I was.
Day Three would not be any easier as it felt like Day One, but I took solace in the fact I was also another day closer to hearing from her again. To not hear from her at all; to see my phone quiet was bizarre and worrisome even though she told me she could not contact me. I missed her so much; I marked my saved texts from her as unread so it seemed like I had gotten a new message from her. The hardest part of this ordeal was not having anyone I could talk to about it as my solitude provided the only comfort. I couldn’t tell anyone yet other than my mother, and it ate me up every day because I wanted to share the love I had for her with the world, to let everyone know how great she was and how much she meant to me. I even googled divorces on the internet because the truth was, I knew nothing about them, but after reading that ninety percent of them were settled out of court it was hard not to feel positive about it. Even though I felt Anya should get a divorce I wanted to know as much about them as I could but more importantly, I wanted to know in what ways she could be hurt by it. The more I read, the more positive feedback I received from the articles.
Day four started off the same; left office to go read texts, marked texts as unread so I could pretend they were new messages. When Day Four ended and Day Five began, I found myself unable to sleep as I awoke at four in the morning so I decided to grab my silent phone and started to mark some texts as unread. After reading the last of the “unread” texts, my heart started to beat rapidly.
5:00 a.m.
“Hi! Don’t know if this message will ever get to you. Anyway hope you are doing well. On a Canary Island, Tenerife. Leaving for Spain tomorrow. Miss you.”
And after I had read “On a Canary Island, Tenerife. Leaving for Spain tomorrow.” my heart sunk.