“Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent.”
~ Victor Hugo
I called her immediately after I received her text, but she did not answer as I instantly flashed back to the morning after Valentine’s Day when I learned she was with a group during her Valentine’s Day dinner, and I felt even worse than I did back then. Yes, I missed her dearly like she had already left for Spain, but I had no right to text these feelings to her driven by fatigue and sadness. She was right, it was something I should have saved. Anya lived an extremely busy life, and even though I didn’t know the details of it, I knew she did. The woman was a business partner. She had two kids to run around and take care of. She didn’t need my longing issues. After I received her text I sent her several text messages as I apologized profusely, absolutely horrified by her “bye” as if she would never speak to me again. A half hour later though, she showed me a pulse, and I breathed a deep sigh of relief.
1:22 p.m.
“I’m in contact every day. I see you more often than my parents, my brothers, best girlfriends, my staff, my organizations…you’ve been my best friend! It’s been five days!”
1:23 p.m.
“I don’t know what else to say or do. Obviously it’s not good enough. I can’t talk to you right now. I need some time.”
“Ok. Thank you for texting me back.” I replied.
1:31 p.m.
“BTW, I think my words and actions have been heartfelt not heartless.”
“Ok. I’m really sorry. I had a long night and I didn’t sleep much. My mom gave me some bad news about her health last night and I just let it get the best of me.” I replied again not wanting to cause her to be more upset than she already was.
1:41 p.m.
“I haven’t stopped crying and I have to compose. Katie is home sick and I have to pull it together. I’m so sorry about your mom.”
“I’m sorry I made you cry. Thank you. Take all the time you need. I hope Katie feels better soon. Take care.” I replied.
I felt really bad. As much as I dreamt about being in love one day, I couldn’t have imagined it to be anything like this. At times it felt like I was underwater while waves kept barreling over me pushing me further down as I tried to come up for air. The emotions, the feelings were that overwhelming at times and got the best of my positive thinking. These passionate waves of love just kept coming as I didn’t want her to get sick alone and then die alone as I felt she was more venerable internally than most people her age because of her situation and the excessive stress in her life. I didn’t want to lose her as much as I didn’t want Katie and Andrew to lose their mom to Cancer one day. That’s where all of this was coming from, but I couldn’t explain that to her as I felt she was too upset with me to understand, and I just didn’t know how to present that to her with all these emotions I had. She was my soulmate; my life’s love. If I was a bee, she’s my pollen. She represented everything I feared to lose now because it was clear if I lost her, I would more than likely lose my life. Even though love was not meant to be contained, I had to accept I’m in a situation where it has to be until things changed. I also had to recognize I was not Superman, I was human and after the beauty of Tuesday and the melancholy of Sunday, that sometimes those extremes could get the best of me. I sent her a text to tell her I felt awful as I asked her to please forgive me and promised I would not give her anymore grief she didn’t need.
2:38 p.m.
“Ok, it’s all right. I’m sorry I overreacted. I’m pulled in different directions and I guess I was at the end of my rope, I want you to know that I do try.”
She had a daughter who was sick, something she wasn’t expecting, on top of having to rush to get her son ready for a week long camp along with a huge business meeting in Orange County to prepare for. The woman tries more than most would. Not to mention, she also had commitments with her staff and organizations. She was being pulled in a million different directions and she’s only one person. I had to recognize she was going through a lot and doing even more, and if we had any chance of making it, I had to be more understanding and cognizant of her world. She needed Aurelius, not his grief. If we were truly meant to be, like I believe we were, we would happen. Of course, I wanted her now but I also knew now was not the best time. As scary as this misunderstanding was, I believed it would ultimately bring us closer together as the best relationships weren’t always the perfect ones.
“I know you’re going through a lot and I am so sorry. I promise to keep all you told me in mind. You’ve been my best friend too.” I text to her.
ANYA: “It’s ok. You’re going through a lot yourself. Your mom is ill and I’m sure that’s not easy. Your sensitivity is understandable. You fell in love with me and you can’t see me.”
ME: “Thank you. My mother’s illness is disheartening, but I’m okay.”
ANYA: “I’m sorry if I caused you anguish by my reaction. I hope this day is still salvageable. Hope you can get your work done ok. You mean the world to me. I love you.”
ME: “It’s all my fault Sweetheart. You’re my everything. I love you too.”
This was our second misunderstanding, and both of them were my fault. Here I was worried about the excessive stress in her life and I only added to it. I was just fortunate and grateful she understood. I didn’t know if Anya was an empathetic person before she met me, but if she wasn’t, I appreciated the way she practiced it during this fail of mine. Whenever I made promises to people I kept them as I made a vow to always make her feel safe in my love for her, a love I truly believed in. It was apparent to me she feared losing my love as much as I feared losing hers and that’s why she reacted the way she did.
Later that evening, I was touched by her empathetic ways again, something I needed as I continued to feel awful about what I said to her earlier.
6:56 p.m.
“How r you holding up babe? Worried about u.”
ME: “I’m ok Sweetheart. I’m just pretty beat. It’s been a long day. I just hope you’re okay. I didn’t mean to make you cry. I’m so sorry. I’m more worried about you. I love you.”
ANYA: “I bet you are. Can you go home soon? Are you still at work? I’m fine. Love you too.”
ME: “I’ll be here for about another three hours. I can’t leave because I have to finalize these jobs. What r u up to?”
ANYA: “Cooking now. You don’t even want to know what I’m making! I’m so sorry you have to work especially when you’re tired. You really didn’t need my drama today.”
ME: “Whatever you’re cooking I’m sure it’s delish! I think I provided all the drama today. That’s all on me Beautiful. You didn’t give me any drama that I didn’t give to you. I’m just grateful you still love me.”
ANYA: “It’s okay babe. I hope you get some sleep tonight. Will always love you.”
On a mental level, it was one of the roughest days I ever had. I had never felt so much stress and fatigue, but it ended up well and I was able to get a good night’s rest because of Anya’s love. Without her understanding I honestly don’t know what could have happened to me.
I held out hope she would still want to see me on Saturday as I accepted it was probably too hard on her before she left for Spain to come to my place. I had to recognize she was going to spend ten days with her husband without the kids and he could make it a difficult trip if he was suspicious. If there was a way he could question her, especially if she was elusive or aloof on that trip, his suspicion could be confirmed, so even though I was bummed, I saw things through her eyes instead of my own. The next morning, I sent a text to let her know I slept well and to see if she would possibly still want to meet on Saturday for tea and a walk.
8:50 a.m.
“Good morning! I’m glad you feel better today. Sure we can still meet on Saturday. Don’t know exactly what time, but I’ll let you know later this week. I love you too.”
I felt like a blind man who recovered his sight as I could now face the day knowing I’d get to see her in only a few. As my day went on in the same productive manner in which it began and just before I was about to go on my lunch break, I got a text from her that made my day.
1:05 p.m.
“Missing u…”
A case of content theft: this narrative is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.
ME: “I miss you too. What are you up to? When is Suki’s dentist appointment?”
ANYA “Running errands. You remembered? I always think of you when she sits on my lap in the office. She is going in on Thursday morning but I may have to reschedule. Big day on Thursday.”
ME: “What’s going on Thursday? Why is it such a big day?”
ANYA: “I’m coordinating an open house for design firms and real estate brokers. Yadda, yadda, yuck! We’re also designing a company website. All on Thursday.”
ME: “Well, I hope it goes well for you. I’m sure it will. It’s hard to believe a week ago you were in my arms.”
ANYA: “I know baby. I was just thinking. I miss your kisses…”
ME: “I miss your lips very much. I miss your taste. I love you!”
ANYA: “I love you baby! Are you going to be in Irvine on Thursday?”
ME: “I sure am.”
ANYA: “I’ll be in Irvine Thursday afternoon into the evening. I’ll be really close to your place. I wish I can see you. I miss you.”
ME: “I miss you too. Are you able to see me on Thursday? I can break away.”
ANYA: “Sure! I can meet you before I get to Irvine. What time can you sneak away?”
ME: “I would love to see you! Thank you! I had no idea there would be a chance to see you. What time works best for you?
ANYA: “Of course! I’m glad you brought it up. I didn’t want to ask u to break away because I know you’re busy. I’m thinking 3:30.”
ME: “3:30 it is! I’m busy but I’m on top of things at work. I want to see you.”
ANYA: “I want to see you too! Hard to believe it’s only been a week.”
ME: “The longest week of my life.”
ANYA: “I’m sorry baby, I feel the same way. You’re on my mind 24/7! Crazy!”
ME: “I use my pen you gave me for my birthday all the time at work so you’re always on mind too! Sorry you have to deal with me, but hey I’m sorry but I adore you.”
ANYA: “Deal w/u? You’re the best thing that’s happened to me in a very long time! I adore you too. Glad you use your pen! Maybe that’s your problem. Try putting it away and see…”
ME: “No way. If I put my pen way I’d just find a keyboard and journal about you. I love you. You made my day!”
ANYA: “Haha! I love you too. You made my day too! I’m excited I get to see you on Thursday! I’ll be in something a little dramatic for the open house since I’m hosting. Don’t be scared!”
ME: “Lucky me! I look forward to seeing how “dramatic” you look even though; I don’t know how you’ll be able to pull it off because you’ve set that beauty bar pretty high already. Thank you for making time to come and visit me.”
ANYA: “You’re too much! Hun, you don’t have to thank me. I’m just as happy as you are! I miss you sooo much!!! Can’t wait to kiss u!!!”
Being in love with Anya at times put my thoughts on a rollercoaster without any restraint as I went from thinking the worst because I hadn’t heard from her in the morning to being told I was on her mind twenty four-seven. I never doubted her love for me, but rather my past never allowed me to take her love for granted. I always believed the day a person took someone’s love for granted was the very day they could lose it.
When Thursday arrived, I was in a dense feeling of happiness; a bliss that affected my concentration but also inspired me to work hard. A possible future with Anya drove me to love my job, but it was simply because I was more passionate about life itself. Everything energetic outside my window and all which surrounded me appeared beautiful to in my eyes again as even a cloudy dismal day shone bright with optimism. I could honestly say I hadn’t felt that way since I was twelve years old when every day contained vivid daydreams of the future and consisted of little to no responsibility. Like those days twenty five years prior, I imagined how beautiful Anya would look in her “dramatic” event attire as I couldn’t wait to feel the wild fluttering of butterfly wings when I had her in my vision once again. And that morning, Anya appeared to be just as excited, if not more, than I was.
8:30 a.m.
“Good morning! See you at 3:30! Can’t wait!”
“Good morning! You and me both! See you at 3:30! Be safe!” I texted back
Excitement filled my heart as I was up at five a.m. so I could tidy my place before I went to work. I knew it was going to be a short visit and there would be no real time to lie in bed together, but that didn’t matter to me at all. That wasn’t the reason I wanted to spend some private time with her. Of course, I loved those times, but just being with her and to have her near me held equal weight. To me, the feeling of equal weight was a state as natural as the sun’s equal gravitational pull on all its planetary satellites regardless of their distance, and it presented celestial evidence of the passion particle inside me that I believed resided in everyone, and it convinced me enough to believe that in its very cosmic essence, born solely from the universe itself, that this love should not be ignored no matter what the circumstances were.
Steeped in anticipation, I decided to head home for the day and to take my work with me. Normally I would come back to work after Anya’s visit however this one was later than her usual lunchtime stopovers, but as long as my jobs were finished under budget and my staff was busy, I could have worked from Disneyland and the partners wouldn’t have cared. When I anxiously reached my apartment at approximately two-thirty which gave me an hour to unwind before Anya arrived, she text me.
2:32 p.m.
“Hi Sweetie! Hope ur having a nice day. I don’t know how much time u have but I can’t stay long. OC office is freaking out and I have to go trouble shoot! Xoxo!”
“Hi Beautiful! I’m just happy to see you no matter how long you’re here! See you soon! Xoxo!” I replied.
I waited at the entrance of my complex ten minutes before her three thirty arrival and when she appeared at the gate, I could have sworn I was at the one made of pearls. As I let her through, Anya gazed upward into my eyes and smiled shyly away as she stunned in a ruffled black shoulder length dress with her beautifully styled dark hair that flowed just below her shoulders. I had never seen an angel before but I could imagine they probably looked this immaculate and when she smiled at me with her wide brown eyes full of exuberance, my heart couldn’t have skipped, but had to stop as I was stricken in such awe by a beauty I couldn’t find a word from within to make any sense of. All I could do was acknowledge her smile with one of my own, and when she saw the reaction in my eyes, I knew she could tell how I felt. She then snatched up my hand as she hopped up and down like a puppy seeing an open field for the first time. As we walked to my apartment, with our hearts palpitating in erratic yet perfect rhythm, I could honestly say this was the greatest love I had felt in my heart up to this point for her.
When we got inside my apartment she put her purse down on my kitchen countertop before I could grab it for her as she flew into my arms. We then started to kiss passionately, as I tried to control myself because I didn’t want to crumple her dress before the event. Ten minutes later she spoke.
“Oh babe, I can only stay for another twenty minutes before I have to go.”
“I understand Sweetheart.” I told her. “My God. Am I in heaven? You smell and look so good. I can’t believe heaven could feel better than this.”
“Ha! Thank you babe.” she laughed. “I love you.”
“I love you too.” I replied full of happiness. “You know what, Beautiful?’
“I always blush when you call me that.” she said as she bashfully looked away as she giggled. “What?”
“I got your CD.”
“You finally got my CD!”
“I sure did!”
“Where is it?” she asked. “Do you have it with you?”
“I do.”
“Do you have a CD player? Can we play it?”
“I have it in my desktop.” I said as I pointed toward my desk.
“Is your computer on?”
“It is.” I said as I grabbed her hand and led her to it. “All I have to do is run the program.”
“Play the first song please.” she said. “Toda Una Vida.”
“Ok.” I asked as I scrolled the screen with the mouse and selected the program as the song started to play. “The music sounds romantic. Do you know what the English translation of Toda Una Vida is? My espanol es muy mal.”
“Yes. I do” she said as her soft dark eyes met mine. “An Entire Life.”
As the most quixotic sound emanated from my computer and permeated more than our ears, I got lost in her eyes as she closed them while she listened and even though I couldn’t understand the words, I knew there was as much beauty in them as what I saw before me. She then started to speak the words softly in Spanish to me as the lyrics were repeated.
“Toda una vida…Toda una vida me estaria contigo…No me importa en que forma. Ni donde, ni como, pero junta a ti. Toda una vida te estaria mimando. Te estaria cuidando, como cuido mi vida…que la vivo por ti. No me cansara decirte siempre pero siempre…siempre. Que eres en mi vida. Ansiedad. Angustia y desesperacin.”
“It sounds like a beautiful song.” I responded with caution. “I wish I knew Spanish well enough to know what the words meant.”
“He repeats them one more time babe.” she said then began to softly speak them to me as she threw her brown eyes into mine after they were sung.
Toda una vida…
“An entire lifetime…”
Toda una vida me estaria contigo…
“An entire lifetime I would be with you…”
No me importa en que forma…
“I don’t care in which way…”
Ni donde, ni como, pero junta a ti…
“Or where…or how, but next to you.”
Toda una vida te estaria mimando…
“An entire life I would pamper you.”
Te estaria cuidando, como cuido mi vida…que la vivo por ti…
“I would take care of you. The way that I care for my life that I live for you.”
No me cansara decirte siempre pero siempre…siempre…
“I wouldn’t be tired of telling you always always…”
Que eres en mi vida…
“That you are in my life.”
Ansiedad…
“Anxiety.”
Angustia…
“Anguish.”
y desesperacin…
“And desperation.”
She didn’t have to say a word to me, her eyes alone spoke the words of the song and just as the music ended her lips fell into mine. I took the words of the song to heart as the anxiety, the anguish and the desperation in her eyes were evident as I gazed into her soul. It was clear this song not only defined our love, but also her love for me. I really thought I loved this woman greatly before this moment, but nothing compared to how much love I felt for her after this ultimate show of affection, and the more we kissed the more I felt ashamed about the grief I gave her two days prior. I truly just wanted the best for her as I feared I would lose her to a life cut unnecessarily short. As Anya gifted me the translation to this beautiful heartbreaking song, I also realized why the CD was delivered by mail. The fact that she burned it for me alone was one of the greatest acts of love she had shown me so far as she not only wanted me to know this song but to have it as soon as possible. It had nothing to do with her not wanting to visit me as once again, she loved me without knowledge or recognition of its receipt; a show of love not meant to be deceptive, but to reveal itself in its purest form.
After we kissed, I was so moved by her love I couldn’t speak as I deemed her intention to be a most beautiful act by the most beautiful woman in the world in my eyes inside and out.
“That was the most beautiful song I’ve ever heard.” I stated. “I’m speechless.”
“There are other beautiful ones on the CD as well, but that’s one of my favorites.” She replied. “I’m happy you appreciate it. You’re one special guy. I love you.”
“I love you too…every little piece.”
As we kissed again, the intensity picked up and she moaned deeply as I pulled her body into mine. She then took a breath just to tell me she loved me as we continued to kiss and it was the first time in my life, I not only felt but also knew how much a woman did. She then brought her hands along my arms and I began to grip my hands along the side of her body. As I pulled her dress vigorously to where it fell off her shoulders, I slowed myself down as thoughts of her open house invaded my mind. Even though she said nothing and appeared to be lost in the moment, this was a huge event for her, something she had stressed out all week about and as much as I wanted to pick her up and throw her down on my bed to make love to her, I had to painfully stop myself out of respect for her current life.
“I still feel bad about the other day. I’m really sorry.” I said as I held her in my arms. “I need to apologize to you in person for that.”
“It’s okay babe. I’m sorry I didn’t pick up the phone when you called.”
“Now I know what it felt like when I didn’t call you when we had our day after Valentine’s Day misunderstanding.”
“I wasn’t thinking about that babe.”
“I know. I just really need to control my emotions better so I don’t make it hard on you. I know you have a lot on your plate at home with everything. I can’t do that to you.”
“It happens.”
“It happens…but it can’t happen anymore.” I said as I grabbed her wrist. “What time is it? I don’t want you to be late.”
“Oh Babe…The time flies by too fast. It’s so unfair.” she said as she looked at her watch on her wrist I held. “I hate to leave you but I’m afraid I have to go.”
“Of course. I’m sorry if I kept you longer than I should have.”
“I don’t want to leave you.” she said as she came into my arms and hugged me tightly.
“Hey, I don’t want you to go…but we do have Saturday!”
“Saturday.” she said as she kissed me. “I love you.”
“I love you too. I can’t thank you enough for stopping by.”
“I’m sorry I could only stay for thirty minutes.”
Upon this statement, all I could do was stare at her in amusement.
“In just thirty minutes, you’ve made my life more beautiful than it has ever been.” I said as I cusped her face into my hands and gently kissed her lips.
After a few more minutes of kissing each other, I wished her good luck on her open house event and then found myself back at the front gate of my apartment complex as I reluctantly waved good-bye to her as she exited the visitor’s parking. Later that evening as I relived the moment she shared the beauty of Toda Una Vida with me, and on a night I didn’t expect to hear from her at all, she text me.
10:43 p.m
“Just got home. If I don’t hear from you goodnight baby. Thank you for making today happen. I hated leaving you. I love you sweets!”
ME: “Hi Beautiful! How’d the event go?”
ANYA: “Hi! The event went well! Met a lot of people, good for networking. I thought about you the whole time. I’m glad we got to kiss today. I needed to taste you! I’m starting to fade so I’m going to say goodnight. I love you with all my heart!”
ME: “Glad to hear it went well! I love you with all my heart too and more! Always Always!”
Anxiety. Anguish. Desperation.
Always, Always.
After this day, I knew how it felt to have a heart bleed for someone.