“I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge. That myth is more potent than history. That dreams are more powerful than facts. That hope always triumphs over experience. That laughter is the only cure for grief. And I believe that love is stronger than death.”
~ Robert Fulghum
10:35 p.m.
“Home now! Thank u! You looked great as usual! I had a great time too! Thanks for dinner even though we never touched it! Goodnight! I love you forever!”
Despite the calls from her husband and the conversation with her son, we had a nice time together. A night I’d never forget, and one we desperately needed because little did I know what lied on the horizon for us would put our relationship to the ultimate test. Ironically, our closeness and deepened love bred pain because of the time apart and the closer we became the harder the separation became as well. As the summer approached, and with the kids now out of school, I expected the opportunities to see her to decrease, but like a sudden death in the family, emotionally it was impossible to prepare for. The fight though was in full swing as my mind sparred with my disadvantaged heart as the mercy of the universe was now in total control of our destiny.
2:47 p.m.
“I miss you.”
Even though the unforeseen powers that be kept us in sync, this surprise text from her captured our sadness. It felt better to know however I wasn’t the only one who struggled as her texts helped to keep me on track; to keep my eyes on the big picture, and even though faith eluded me for most of my life, I never felt her love did as I held tightly to the belief this sorrow brought on by a deep need for my soulmate wouldn’t always feel this way.
The following day brought with it her son’s graduation ceremony from Elementary School. I knew she would be busy, and I didn’t want to distract her, but I also wanted to show her I cared and was aware of a very important day in her and her son’s life. I sent her a closed ended text just to congratulate her and her son so she wouldn’t feel an obligation to text me back, but she responded anyway.
2:51 p.m.
“Hi. Thanks. I miss u lots.”
ME: “You didn’t have to text me back, babe. I know you’re busy. I miss u lots too.”
ANYA: “It’s hard to carry on a normal day when all I think about was our beautiful night together.”
ME: “I know the feeling. It was a special night for both of us. The depth of this missing is totally foreign to me. It’s beyond genuine.”
ANYA: “I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss you.”
The feeling was absolutely mutual, but her missing presented a caveat; not only did it distract her from her kids, but I began to sense it came with fear. The fear of the summer. The fear of losing me. The fear of losing us. The fear I was just like her husband. Until my intuition morphed into facts, I took her words at face value, but as she sent me a series of texts a few hours later it only furthered my speculation.
6:32 p.m.
“Hi! I’m sure you’re on the road. Sunday night just felt so right. You’re so easy to talk to. My BFF! My love for you has grown since…”
6:44 p.m.
“I have to be honest. Today was a hard day for me. I hope you don’t think I regret having kids. I love them more than anything. Just a hard day.”
My low self-esteem at times was like a rabid dog, the minute it sensed any discomfort or fear, it would bark and bite at me. After the beauty of Sunday, and the need for me to be positive, I still got confused by her “hard day” as I didn’t know what to say or what she meant by it. Did she relive the pain her husband put her through today with his infidelities and it made her angry for her son? Also why did she think I believed she regretted having her kids? Her texts left me dazed and concerned.
ME: “What made it such a hard day for you babe? What would make you think I’d ever think you regret having your kids? Are you upset about having kids?”
ANYA: “Angry?”
ME: “Yes, did you feel resentment for your husband? Is that what made it hard on you today?”
ANYA: “No, it wasn’t like that. I think I’m going to get in bed early tonite to read. Goodnight sweets. I love you!”
ME: “Ok, my love. Sweet dreams. I love you too!”
I didn’t want to prod her for any information about her day if she wasn’t willing to give it on her own as I wanted to respect her boundaries. Even though I didn’t know what to make of her “hard” day I also reasoned it wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. In fact, it could have been a number of other things such as the sudden realization of her increased lack of freedom and space she would have in the summer to see me, the stress of all the graduation ceremonies and summer activities she had planned, more messes to clean up because the kids were out of school and less time to get work done due to the relentless demands of her business. The more I thought about it, the more it became clear she hoped I understood her dilemma, unlike her husband who didn’t understand when she gained weight from her pregnancy. She needed to know I loved her and I wasn’t going anywhere; that I would be there for her when she couldn’t be there for me. It left me only to ponder why she would think, I would think, she regretted having her kids. The last thing I ever thought she might do was look at her children, think of me and regret having them. Although I wish they were ours, it broke my heart to imagine her regret as a possibility because they were simply her greatest gifts in life, and I accepted them just as much as I accepted her. I dreamt about getting to know her kids. From all she shared, I really thought the world of them both and admired the way they handled their commitments to school and to their activities of choice. I even saw a lot of myself in her son, and if I had a son, I was certain he would be a lot like Andrew, and if Katie was anything like her mother, as I was certain she was, if I ever got the opportunity and honor to meet her one day, I knew we would be close as well. The last thing I ever wanted was for Anya to regret having her kids, and if I thought for a second she would do so because of me, I would have never given us a chance. They were her greatest blessing and I was happy they were part of the deal if we ever were together.
The next morning, just before I stepped into the office, I noticed the red light on my phone blinking frantically. As I began to read her message, I quickly realized what she wrote me on this morning was far from ordinary as she opened up about her hard day.
9:06 a.m.
“Good morning! I watched my son graduate from primary school yesterday. Had tears. Tears b/c I was extremely proud and tears b/c I felt extreme guilt. I was proud of all his accomplishments and proud of who he is now. As you know, he was a premature baby and has come a long ways. Watching him now you’d never know it. He walked by me w/a big smile and looked over at me w/trust and admiration. He was very proud, eager to do anything to please me. He looked at me so tenderly w/o knowing that the mom he trusts is living a life of desperation. The mom he trusts is wanting to walk. Made me sad.”
After I read her message several times, the empathy within me gave way to her pain. I understood it, and I was happy she felt what she did because it was heartfelt and honest. The only part of her message I had trouble with was about her “wanting to walk.” as it felt like she would have to abandon her son just to be with me, and I didn’t understand why she felt that way. As I told her before, it would be her “and” the kids; the only thing she would walk away from was a false marriage. I just didn’t understand her thought process and it rattled me a bit. She would not be walking away from her kids, but she would be indeed walking away; from him, toward the truth. I believed the extreme guilt she felt should simply lie in not being honest with her kids about her true feelings regardless of me being in her life. She didn’t have to distill the vodka about her husband’s infidelities to them as it wasn’t my goal to “out” him in any way, but I wanted her to be honest with her kids about the way she felt about her marriage, and not about the way she felt about me; to show them in this life there are things money cannot buy such as happiness; that the greatest things in this life simply cannot be bought. She was not abandoning. She was not walking away. She was living; choosing a different honest path on life’s journey. To teach her children in life, if you make a mistake, you are not bound to it forever, that you can correct it. When she told me she would rather die than never have me in her life, by leaving him, she would simply be choosing to live, not choosing to walk away.
I sat on her text for a few minutes to think of how to respond in support of her feelings, and to not sound discouraged by them, but before I could respond another one flew my way.
9:15 a.m.
“There is another part of my guilt. The joy as well as pain I feel w/my kids you’ll never experience if u stay with me. I’m sorry to tell you all this over text.”
Possibly, I was wrong for feeling the way I did, but again I became perplexed by her text. Why did she feel this guilt now after all we’ve shared? She was around her children every day, but why did she suddenly feel this way on her son’s graduation day? The decision not to have kids was mine alone, and if I wasn’t willing to make that decision then I wouldn’t have gotten involved especially taken into consideration the circumstances and the unforeseen, undisclosed challenges. After I read this text in particular, I felt there had to be a bigger piece missing about her life she had yet to share with me. I wanted to ask her but it would sound like an accusation, and discount all she felt. Her son graduated yesterday, and it was a truly tough moment for her. I had to be sensitive to that, and then again, who knows? Maybe I was wrong to feel perplexed at all by her texts? As much as I loved her, I also had to realize, I was not an easy man to love at times.
9:16 a.m.
“I know u say that it’s all “on you” but I can’t help it. I care about u so much! I’m so in love w/u that I just want the very best for you.”
ME: “Thank you for sharing. I didn’t know you felt all that yesterday. I think you should know I believe with every ounce of my heart you are the very best for me, and I don’t have any reservations about not having kids I feel lucky to have you. I chose to be with you and forgo kids because I love you so much having kids no longer matter to me. I’d rather have you.”
ANYA: “Ok babe. Sometimes I feel so dysfunctional! I just had a hard time w/dealing w/it all yesterday. I’m sorry. Although I think the whole thing is dysfunctional. I can’t ignore what my heart is telling me. I’m torn.”
I tried to put myself in her shoes, and I truly understood the things she felt as she watched her son graduate. The guilt she felt about me though, I didn’t understand. The decision not to have kids was an adult decision I made and I knew from the beginning it was her rule of engagement. Why would I be involved for a day let alone six months if I wasn’t certain of what I wanted? It was very thoughtful of her though, but I felt it also discounted the depth of my feelings for her. What I experienced with her I considered extremely special, and I knew it would be from the moment I met her because of my past. Throughout the work day I had a hard time concentrating because of the things she text me. I probably shouldn’t have been, but I was rattled by her sudden guilt. For her son’s graduation to spawn it, something just didn’t sound right to me.
2:01 p.m.
“Hi! How r u?”
ME: “I’m ok. How r u?”
ANYA: “Just ok?”
ME: “I found out I have to head out to Hesperia again.”
ANYA: “Oh, Despairia. I see. I’m ok.”
I didn’t know how to respond. I didn’t want to text anything out of fatigue, but negative thoughts consumed me the longer my work day went. I appreciated her texts, but I just felt my feelings for her were discounted, and it troubled me. If having children was meant to happen for me I felt it would have happened years ago. After thirty minutes of silence, Anya sent me a text to break the still as it opened a window for me to share my thoughts.
2:01 p.m.
“I love you.”
ME: “I love you too. If I was meant to have kids babe, it would have happened by now. It would have happened before I met you. It’s not in the cards for me so please don’t feel any guilt.”
ANYA: “Why? I think it is in the cards 4 you. You’d be the perfect dad. I just know it. You also said you’d like to be married right now but as long as you’re with me you can’t have that right now. I’m holding you up with no definite promises.”
ME: “You’re the woman I love. It’s that simple. I would only want kids with you. If they weren’t with you then they’re worthless to me. I don’t mind not being married right now because I met you, and I don’t want to meet anyone else. I’m in love with you. You’re the only person I want to marry. If I can’t marry you now then I don’t want to be married. Even though I don’t have any definite promises, now is not the time anyway even if you could. I want you to come into a great situation. What makes you think I’d be the perfect dad?”
ANYA: “Please don’t say that. They wouldn’t be worthless. I see u as a dad b/c ur so sweet, kind, genuine and patient. Don’t want to change ur destiny. I love you.”
ME: “Thank you for the kind words, babe, I really appreciate them, but I feel my destiny changed six months ago.”
I wanted to see the thoughtfulness in her texts because I knew they generally came from a good place, but the problem was, I needed to hear these words six months ago because my low sense of self-worth found it difficult to appreciate the good intent in them. I felt if she didn’t want to change my destiny, she should have never allowed me to feel a thing for her. Instead, she gave me so much of herself it made me feel safe enough to give all of myself in return; something you just don’t discard. At the same time though, I had to kick my past failures with women aside and look at things from her angle as well. If she was truly in love with me, then this was just finger service. The fact was she had a hard time yesterday, and I had to respect that. I had to also take notice summer was going to be tough on her. She felt kids created distance in her marriage, and now she feared the summer would do the same to us. If I was going to be cognizant about my past, I also had to put hers in a proper perspective as well.
6:01 p.m.
“I hope I didn’t ruin your day. I know ur busy and I’m sorry if I did.”
ME: “You didn’t ruin my day, babe.”
ANYA: “Are u watching the Lakers game tonight?”
ME: “I am. Were you going to watch it too?”
ANYA: “Yes, baby. I miss u.”
ME: “I miss u too.”
ANYA: “I’m sorry.”
ME: “For what Sweetheart?”
ANYA: “Sorry about today.”
At this point, I’ve read hundreds if not thousands of texts from her over the last six months. This series of texts here alone, encapsulated the woman I fell in love with, her connection with me, and why I fell so hard. I didn’t tell her I was hurt by her texts, never insinuated it one time yet she knew, and even though I still felt her texts discounted my feelings for her, at the same time I understood when her true self made a much needed appearance; when empathy opened her heart and eyes, a part her mind closed from time to time. I had to be honest with her about how I felt she pretty much put me in the same class as her husband though, and she needed to know, if she didn’t know already, I knew how to love someone more than I loved myself; that I and this, was the real deal.
ME: “Babe, it’s ok. I’m sorry I couldn’t really respond. I didn’t want the stress of work to come through my texts to you. I didn’t want to regret anything I text you. I just feel when you tell me something like I should have a kid, that also entails me meeting someone else. I feel that discounts all the feelings I have for you, all I’ve shared with you, and how special our relationship is. I’m simply never going to be the same again. I think it’s very sweet of you, but at the same time it’s overlooking my love for you. I’m in love with you and I don’t want to be nor do I want to fall in love with anyone else. I don’t fall in love easily anymore, not after all I’ve experienced with you. I know what love is now. The bar has been raised, and it was already high to begin with. I hope you can understand.”
ANYA: “I completely understand.”
ME: “I’m not mad at you at all. Please don’t think that. I know why you did it. I love you too much not to understand your reasons. I know it’s not a question about your love for me but a love for your kids, and fears. I know where you’re coming from, and that’s something you never have to be sorry for.”
ANYA: “I can’t talk rt now but I don’t like that u think I’m discounting ur feelings. If I didn’t love u with all my heart I wouldn’t be feeling this anguish! I love you.”
ME: “Babe, I want your love to bring you to me, not to push me to someone else. I love you too.”
ANYA: “Don’t worry. I love u more than life. I miss u. I need u like I need air. You’re definitely on the Maslow’s hierarchy of need!”
“I love you more than life. I need u like I need air.” Those two short precise sentences stood for all I fought and would continue to fight for. Like a Formula Race car, this was the fuel I needed to finish the race and it drove me to believe more than ever in our love; in her need for me, and in my need for her.
ME: “Thank you babe. That means everything to me because I feel the exact same way.”
A few hours later she resumed our textchange.
9:22 p.m.
“Sorry about the Lakers. Jeffrey Osbourne can only do so much right? I love u baby. I don’t know where to go from here, but I need to calm down. Graduation was hard.”
ME: “It’s one of the reasons I fell in love with you. You love your kids, and I understand. I really do. Everything will be okay. As long as there’s love between us, we’ll get through this.”
ANYA: “Now I know there r four things in life I’m sure of. Death, taxes, teen lies, and my love for u. Goodnight. I love you forever!”
ME: “I’m not sure about teen lies, but I’ll take your word for it! Sleep well, my love. I love you forever too!”
I hated to tell her how I felt because I didn’t want to pull her away from her kids to discuss my feelings, and from a person without the emotions, it was a sweet gesture, but the problem was I loved her, and when I made a decision, I stuck to it. That’s called a commitment and when I decided to get involved with her I weighed everything including the consequences of doing so. I took pride in everything in life I ever did, and if I couldn’t vouch for it, I simply wouldn’t do it. After our textcussion, I felt a little better about things, but it marked the first time my radar went up about her love for me. I didn’t doubt she loved me, but I felt her guilt tended to lean toward semantics as I began to take note of a difference in the perception of love after our conversation on this day, and the minute schism between being “in love” and “loving” someone. In the fantasy world of fiction, there really was no distinction as I was certain there was no distinction made by Shakespeare, but there was a distinction made by Lastman, and it was stark. I believed if someone was in love they would never want their interest to meet anyone else, but if a person merely “loved” someone, like a friend or a relative, then it’s an easy thing to allow. It wasn’t as if I was an expert on love, I’ve failed so much I could never claim to be, but after I met Anya, I was certain I had met and known love. I likened it to seeing the face of God because once you do, you could never go back to the world you knew. I began to doubt if Anya knew what being “in love” was, and I began to fear I was only loved because I was her only option in a limited population. As much as I recognized this as a possibility, even as my mind tried to rip my world apart, my heart could not be slowed down or deterred. I loved her deeply no matter how much she believed she loved me, but her texts put my guard up though, uncertain if she was “in love” or if she just merely “loved” me.
In my profession, integrity and character were paramount as my career rested upon principles and acts of conservatism. I put my reputation, my integrity, my morality in the eyes of society, and my heart on the line for her every day. Because of this, I felt she owed me ways to bring us together not further apart after all she told me, after all we’ve shared, after all I’ve been asked to do and after I had done everything asked of me. I knew the promises she made to me at the beginning of our relationship would come when the time was right as I trusted she realized the encouragement she gave me to be in her life more than her helplessness that came along with it because of our undeniable connection. More than anything, her texts also raised my belief there was something I didn’t know. Something she didn’t tell me about her life because I didn’t understand why she felt if she left him she would have to walk away from her kids. One thing was certain; I had to find out what the missing piece was and somehow come up with the temerity to lay my heart on the line to do so.
The next day, I received a fairly early text from her as it appeared to reveal a sense of urgency.
7:33 a.m.
“I love you. When can I c u again? I miss u terribly.”
ME: “I miss u terribly too. Anytime you want, Sweetheart. You let me know. I would love to see you. I got out of bed a little late this morning. I needed it.”
ANYA: “I don’t blame u. I miss u so much. I’m sorry for freaking out.”
ME: “Beautiful, you couldn’t have expected all you felt when you saw your son graduate. I was just a little confused but I totally understood too. I never question the things you feel because they are all legit. I just try to present them from a different angle if I feel they should be. I’m sorry I gave you some grief over them but I just wanted to be honest about how I felt. Do you have to run around the kids today?”
ANYA: “No. The kids had a sleepover and r still asleep. U know what that means don’t u? They all stayed up way too late and had sugar all nite!”
Anya’s texts made me feel safe again as my heart began to bleed for her. My low self-esteem at times blinded me to her struggle, but after her series of texts I felt she was “in love” with me, and I began to feel ashamed about my thoughts of her playing semantics.
Later that evening it was more of the same.
3:46 p.m.
“I love you.”
ME: “I love you too. What r u up to Beautiful?”
ANYA: “Getting ready for the Special Olympics. I miss u. How is your day going?”
ME: “I miss u too. Stressful day but almost over. What do you need to do to prepare for the Special Olympics?”
ANYA: “Have a glass of wine! JK! Not much. I just have to show up to pick up my shirt and ID. They’ll have instructions for me, and cake! I miss u very much. What r u doing tonight?”
ME: “Ha! You have me laughing out loud at my library of a work place over here! I miss u very much too. I admire you so much. You’re such a beautiful person, but I don’t need to tell you that. I’m just going to stay in and relax tonight.”
ANYA: “I wish I could be there relaxing with you.”
ME: “Me too. I’d sleep better with you in my arms that’s for sure.”
ANYA: “U just made me miss u more! Don’t know when I can c u again. I might be able to get away 4 an hour next sat afternoon. Don’t know how I’m going to make it.”
With her series of texts, I began to feel safe she was in love with me as her feelings were exactly on par with mine again. I guess I was wrong about things, but that’s what a low sense of self-worth brought on by my past did to me; it made the improbable appear probable. With Anya, I was more than happy to be wrong about my negative feelings; it’s all I ever hoped for the very minute I felt them. I even began to chuckle about the way I protected my heart, like handing a dead man a gun and being afraid I could be shot by him. As much as she thought she had to calm down, I had to do the same. What I began to realize is that she feared I could turn out like her husband; leave her when the going got tough and the distance between us increased. I simply had to remind myself of this and ensure her I was nothing like him.
The next day, a Saturday, after she had a really good time working at the Special Olympics, she text me early that morning to tell me about what her day had in store for her.
6:47 a.m.
“Not sure if I’m ready for 30 spitting, burping, farting, smelly, junk food eating, loud boys for 5 hours! Andrew owes me big time for this one! I love you!”
After her ringing endorsement for parenthood, I responded to her text in jest.
ME: “You know what. You’re right. I think I want to meet someone now I can have kids with. JK! What time are the kids coming over to destroy your house?”
ANYA: “Ur funny! Starts at 11 a.m. Making food and straightening up. Had another sleepover and the house is a mess. Ahhh! Have a great day sweets! Text me later! Luv u!”
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After she sent me this final text, it bummed me out to know I couldn’t help her out with the party and to help keep the boys entertained. It seemed like she made summers really fun for her kids though as it brought me back to the time when each summer, my mom, who really didn’t have any money, bought me a whole box of unopened baseball cards. I remember the smell of gum delight my sense of smell when I opened the box to see thirty-six unopened packages, one of the happiest moments of my life. The only caveat was my mother got all the gum, but I had braces anyway so I didn’t care. I knew through Anya her kids worked hard in school, in everything they did, and they deserved all the fun the summer could offer them.
Just when I thought I heard the last from her that day, she sent me a text an hour later.
8:23 a.m.
“I’m listening to music rt now. I have some 80’s music Debbie burned 4 me. I have 2 all-time faves and I don’t know why I think of u every time I listen to them because u were nowhere in my life way back then!”
ME: “I love 80’s music! I grew up on it so it’s my favorite. Did you not care for the 80’s much? What are your two all-time faves?”
ANYA: “R u kidding? Good times in the 80’s babe! I was surprised b/c ur younger! “Love My Way” by Psychedelic Furs, “I Melt With You” by Modern English.
ME: “Those are two great songs. See, I knew I’ve heard a Psychedelic Furs song before. I’ll have to show you my 80’s albums I still have. I’m sure you’d get a kick out of it.”
ANYA: “I would love to check out your collection! Ok I’m ready for the boys! Chat later!”
Then just eight minutes later…
8:41 a.m.
“If I can get away for an hour tonite can u meet me? It would only be for an hour. Closer to my way.”
ME: “All you have to do is name the time and place and I’ll be there!”
ANYA: “Can u meet me at RJ’s on Beach at 8? I’ll probably be a mess and stink like BBQ! Will u still c me this way?”
ME: “BBQ? Mmmm…hopefully I won’t eat you! C u at 8!”
ANYA: “Ha! Ok! Love you!”
ME: “Love you too!”
The real Anya. The one I met, the one I believed was “in love” with me, the one I trusted who knew what love really was, showed her true colors, and they were important for me to see. Her actions helped me take notice of the fear she felt, the fear of losing me, the fear of losing us over the summer because of her kids, just like she lost her husband to kids when she got pregnant. I had to understand, if I truly loved her, which I did more than oxygen, she would not be as available for the next few months. I had to make her feel safe in that. When she asked me to fight for her and I told her I would, my word was solid. All I needed was for her to make an effort, even if we couldn’t see each other, at least to show me an effort not to push me away. I was in deep waters, too deep to reach the surface now for air. I had to be all in or nothing at all, but I also had to understand her predicament and I did. Most importantly though, I had to believe this was temporary even without a promise from her; a promise that would come when we were both ready, when my partnership promotion became official. I wanted her to come into a relationship with little to no drop off as possible from her current life, and even though I felt money should not play a major role in her decision, there were two innocent kids involved, and I had to make sure they weren’t affected because money was needed for their happiness. I wanted them to have the same things they were accustomed to, even horses. They just needed to know love brought their mother and I together; nothing less than a complete commitment and a responsibility on my part for her happiness, something I took so seriously, I even factored them into it. Even I would admit though, if I had to do this over again, knowing what I know now, mostly the undisclosed more than the unforeseen, the right thing would be for her to get a divorce first before we began to see each other, but I also felt it wasn’t a bad thing for Anya to get to know me. To know who she would be with and what she was getting herself into. To at least know there were better options for her out there than her husband. I didn’t come into this to have a lustful relationship with her regardless of how much I desired her sexually. I respected her too much, she was the best friend I had, and that’s not who I was. Our relationship under these circumstances only happened because love did.
I arrived at RJ’s a little before eight, and I luckily found two open seats at the bar as the restaurant was packed. I then began to worry she may have known someone and wondered if she wanted to just hang in my car instead like we did when we met at the Good Morning Café. Even though I had to see something from her after our textversations this week, the last thing I wanted was for her to be in a public place, and be judged or found out. When she arrived at a little after eight, I quickly took notice that for a woman who feared she would look like a mess she looked as beautiful as I had ever seen her. Her dark hair hung lavishly upon her breast plate as the white blouse she wore exposed her sun kissed shoulders, and when I saw the smile on her face after she saw me at the bar as I stood, it sent the butterflies fluttering inside. Every other woman in the restaurant paled in comparison as she made it clearly apparent to me on this night, the universe could not have created anything more perfect in my eyes, and it staggered me every time to see how much she cared about the way she looked around me, as it showed me how much she wanted me to love her because if that wasn’t true, she would never had made plans to meet at such a simple venue looking simply beautiful at the spur of the moment.
She sat down on the bar stool next to me and could not contain her excitement as her jubilant restless eyes gazed into mine. I asked her what she wanted to drink, and after we each ordered a Corona, she leaned into my right ear.
“I want to kiss you so bad right now.” she told me.
“The feeling is more than mutual.” I replied, rubbing her knee. “Do you know how absolutely gorgeous you look right now? Any idea?”
“Ha. Aww babe.” she said as she shyly turned her face away for a few seconds and then brought her eyes back into mine. “I’m really sorry about the other day. I just freaked out. I love you and I miss you so so much. Sometimes I just…I don’t know. I hurt.”
“First of all, you don’t owe me an apology. I’m sorry I looked at it a different way.” I said. “I’m totally in love with you, and I’m afraid to lose you as much as you’re afraid to lose me. I did want kids, but that was before I met you. I’d rather have you than anything in this world. My love is so strong I don’t want anyone else. Ever. You’re all I’ll ever want. I miss you very much too but I understand the summer is going to pose some challenges for you. I love you way too much, Anya for a few months out of the year to keep us apart. I can’t even explain it but I’m naturally loyal to you because I’m true to my heart. If I didn’t love you so much and I thought you were doing me a favor I would have said when you sent me your texts “Hey thanks a lot! See ya! Good luck on the other side!” I would never disrespect your heart, disrespect all we’ve shared. Our love has grown exponentially. I need you the way you need me. Like air. It’s important for you to know I’m not anything like your husband or guys you may have known before you met me, but I also know it’s more important for me to show you that, not merely tell you. I truly love you. You’re the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me. I don’t want to ever lose you.”
“Now I really want to lean over and kiss you right now!” she exclaimed, excitement filling her eyes.
“I’m not going to stop you. I’m kidding babe.” I joked as I knew in public it would be a bad idea. “I hope you know I want to be with you.”
“I want to be with you too.” she responded. “I wish I was coming home with you tonight. I miss you really bad.”
“I miss you really bad too. I wish we could go home after this and be together. The way we were meant to be.” I said. “One day I believe life will be made right.”
“I love the fact you’re so cool calm and collected. You make me feel comfortable and it keeps me going.”
“Thanks, babe. I’m glad you think so. You’re everything I’ve wanted in someone so I try to think about the big picture, the future, and not just get caught up in the present.”
“You’re my hope, my wish, my dream.” she said.
“Now those three things; your hopes, wishes and dreams.” I said as I met her russet eyes and touched her hand obscurely under the bar. “Are the three things in life no one should ever give up on.”
After these heartfelt thoughts were known, our conversation took a less serious tone soon after and when we finished our Coronas, we ventured outside to find a private spot so our lips could meet, to taste what we’ve missed so terribly before we departed. Her spur of the moment meeting at RJ’s meant a lot to me. It showed me she truly did miss me and how much I meant to her, and I loved it when she proved me wrong about my negative feelings. There was no better feeling in the world than when she did, as in the past I had always been right about the things I didn’t want to be right about.
When I got home she text me before I could do the same.
9:37 p.m.
“Thank you for meeting me! I was so excited! It was nice to c u! It was the only thing that kept me going all day! I had the best time even though it was only for an hour! I love you!”
My feelings exactly.
The next day was my father’s birthday, and when I woke up that morning, I had never felt so secure in her love for me. It’s not like I wanted her to feel an ounce of pain in my absence. The only reason I gave us a chance was because I didn’t want her to hurt anymore. I wanted her to be happy in life so it could be reflected upon others, mostly her children, as I felt it was crucial. I also believed a man who cheated on his wife when she was pregnant, a man who told his wife he would trade her in for two twenty year olds when she turned forty, was a man who would not be there for her if she became ill, or heaven forbid lost a part of her beauty due to cancer. Money is wonderful to have, we all desire it, to be taken care of financially, but emotionally it’s not enough. I felt that was important for her kids to know this in life, so they had healthy marriages that fostered not only financial but also emotional support. The next morning, I sent Anya a text to let her know how much she meant to me.
ME: “Good morning babe. Thanks again for making time for us last night. The length of time didn’t matter to me. It could have been only a minute long and I’d be grateful. There’s not enough room in my heart for all the feelings I have for you. I know you weren’t in my arms when I woke up this morning, but you were still with me. I miss u. I love u.”
ANYA: “Good morning! Awe! What a beautiful thing to say! Ur sooo romantic! Woke up early missing u! I held my pillow tightly against my body! I love u babe!”
With my day off to a great start, I visited my parents that same morning to wish my dad a happy birthday. At this point in my life, I had never felt a larger sense of contentment. My parents used to believe I was anti-social, and in a lot of ways I was, but with Anya’s love in my heart, I bloomed as the real Landyn Lastman poured out of me with ease. I was talkative, compassionate and outgoing, a side my parents never saw of me before, but the real me, unburdened by my past failures with love. If I were to lose Anya, I wouldn’t just lose her but now I’d lose my real self too as I not only fell in love with her; I fell in love with me.
2:24 p.m.
“Hi baby! I miss you! How’s your day going?”
ME: “Day is going well. Just getting ready to head back home now. How’s ur day going? I miss you too!”
ANYA: “I’m home working but going good. I miss you. You looked so cute last night! I like you in black! I had such a great time! I couldn’t wait to get outside to kiss u! I love you!”
ME: “I love you too! Do you have more work to do tonight?”
ANYA: “Not at all. Tonight I’m taking the kids to see “My Fair Lady” play at the Orange County Performing Arts Center. I’ll be alone with the kids so I’ll text you later! Xoxo!”
I’ve never heard of the play “My Fair Lady” so I “googled” its synopsis and it appeared to be a love story of some kind. Sara, my ex-girlfriend, used to love musicals. I knew very little of them until I started dating her, but a good boyfriend would have shown a real interest in them if she did, but I couldn’t be more disinterested at the time. With Anya, I began to dream about seeing a musical together, and that was another thing I never thought I’d do nor be inspired to go see.
When the play finished, at least what I presumed, I saw the red light blinking frantically on my phone.
8:27 p.m.
“Over at Maestros. I think we’re just a few blocks from each other! How r u? I miss u!”
ME: “I miss u too! How was the show? Are you having dinner?”
ANYA: “It was great! Yes, we love the sides! Steakhouses have the best salads and potatoes! I’m fine. Just missing you lots. Lost my son to the bar. He’s watching the Lakers game. They won! Did you watch the game?”
ME: “Yes I did! Now they have to go to Boston! I think we all know what’s going to happen there! I miss you lots too, babe. Wish I could see you. Nice to know you’re near me though.”
ANYA: “I think we know what’s going to happen in Boston. Massacre! I know sweets! I’m sending you love from just right down the street I love you!”
ME: “I love you too! Have a nice dinner!”
ANYA: “Thank you! Sweet dreams baby! I love you forever!”
To hear from her and to know she was so close, away from him, made me feel warm inside. I thought of her son inside the bar watching the Lakers game and I saw myself in him. When I was his age I was enthralled with the Showtime Lakers from the eighties. I had great memories of watching many fun games because of Magic Johnson who literally put on a show every night they played. I imagined her son watching Kobe Bryant like I used to watch Magic, and although he was not my son, not made of my flesh or blood, if I did have a son, without a doubt he would be just like Andrew, and it made me dream further of meeting him one day, to maybe shoot baskets with him. Maybe it was wrong to dream this way, but I did because I was deeply in love with his mother as it was impossible not to fall in love with her kids too. I felt as if I knew them every time she shared something with me, and every time she did I felt extremely special. I cared when Andrew’s baseball team won a game and was just as crushed when they lost. When he broke his arm, it broke my heart because I knew at that age how badly I loved to play sports, especially baseball, and I shared in his disappointment. I knew Katie was an exceptional student and loved to dance as I was equally happy to hear she made the Boston ballet program. Her kids I felt were going places as they both had qualities that reminded me of myself at that age, and I found myself rooting for them every time Anya shared their trials and tribulations with me. The only thing I disliked was the dishonesty, but I believed it was temporary. Anya wanted me to know them as much as I knew her because they were an extension of her, and the transition would be smoother if I knew them intimately.
I fell asleep before nine and when I woke up the next morning I saw she had text me twice after I had fallen asleep.
9:55 p.m.
“I love you forever!”
10:08 p.m.
“Forever!”
It’s a strange world we live in. It had always been a struggle for me yet I now tried to alter the ocean’s tides and reverse the way the earth revolved around the sun all at once. From the outside looking in, it appeared to be an impossible task, but when I thought about all the moments and the good times we’ve shared together; from my apartment to RJ’s in Cerritos and Luke's in Huntington Beach to Republique, from the nights spent together in Laguna Beach to the Palos Verdes coastline, from our beach at Abalone Cove to the Good Morning Café and the cul-de-sac by the children’s park. Taken cumulatively, all in just six months’ time, I had never shared so many moments with someone and looked forward to the next moment more than I did the previous one.
The next day brought with it more evidence through her texts of how much she missed me, and how much our love had grown.
3:44 p.m.
“I love you baby.”
3:56 p.m.
“I’ve had “My Fair Lady” music stuck in my head all day today. I miss you like crazy too! Ok, our ten minutes of kissing was not enough to get me through the week. It was a teaser! Miss kissing u babe!”
4:41 p.m.
“Gazing is good! Talking is good! We just needed more time! Miss u babe.”
5:03 p.m.
“Sometimes I touch my lips with my fingers wanting more of your kiss without realizing. I think it pacifies me.”
6:24 p.m.
“I could never forget Pacific Grill. It did feel right. Too right. I guess that’s why I was confused when you left me. I miss u baby!”
6:39 p.m.
“Hmmmm. I don’t know what is crazier; having me in your life or letting me go? They are both crazy!”
7:47 p.m.
“I’ve been decorating like crazy! All pink, having a girl! Someday I’ll tell you about my creative side! Long story!”
7:52 p.m.
“I love you forever!”
8:45 p.m.
“I’m sure you’re busy but wanted to say goodnight! I’m working tonight. I love you!”
9:11 p.m.
“I miss u.”
Anya kept in touch with me throughout the entire day as I began to believe the things I told her made her feel better about me forgoing kids. I didn’t realize she put the burden on herself as it surprised me because when I told her I didn’t want kids I truly meant it. Sure, I did before I met her, but now I knew her, and I loved her. I felt it was a good thing to be honest with her about how it discounted my feelings because it gave her the opportunity to learn more about my thought process as it provided me with a chance to prove to her I say what I mean and I mean what I say, unlike a certain someone in her life. The only way she could learn I was the real deal was if I told her my true thoughts and feelings, even though I shied away from those which could affect her at home, and then her kids. It was a fine line I also had to learn how to straddle, but little did I know I would soon learn more about where her fears originated from.
Anya prepared her home for a baby shower that weekend. Her sister in law, her brother’s wife, was expecting a girl. On top of that, Katie had a Bar Mitzvah coming up, and she had to also meet up with a rabbi this week. I totally understood her situation, and did not feel nor give her any grief as her love shone brightly for me through text messages. When we first began our relationship, the text messages we exchanged probably topped out at ten a day max, but now each day easily consisted of at least thirty to forty, in direct correlation to the increase in our feelings for each other.
The next day she again text me throughout the day as she put on full display the challenge this summer posed for her, and for us.
6:02 p.m.
“I’m dying I miss you soooo much! I had a good day babe. Ur my happiness. My massage therapist is dating a guy who just moved to Boston for a year for a job. They’ve been together a year and now see each other once a month. I guess it made me feel a little better about the missing. I love you forever.”
ME: “I’m dying over here too! Happy to hear that story made you feel better, babe. We definitely have a lot of kissing to make up for the next time we see each other!”
ANYA: “Yes we do!”
She messaged me again later that evening, including the one I always dreaded.
7:45 p.m.
“Doesn’t look good for the Lakers.”
ME: “Well, I think we both knew this was going to happen! What r u up to Beautiful?”
ANYA: “Just waiting for Katie to get out of dance. Should say goodnight. Sweet dreams babe.”
ME: “I guess it’s that time. Ok, Sweetheart. You have a goodnight. Sweet dreams. I miss u and I love u.”
ANYA: “I get sad every time b/c I know it’s the last contact of the day. I miss you and I love you too! Very much!”
After I said goodnight to her, well after the sun came down on our day and a full moon took its place above us, as crickets chirped and darkness settled over the life just outside my bedroom window, little did I realize the next day would bring the most significant day of our relationship and of my entire life; a day which would show how far our love, her love for me had truly come. It all started innocent enough with the usual afternoon text from her.
12:11 p.m.
“Hi babe! Sorry I couldn’t text you this morning. Dealing with some family issues. All good. My sister in law had her baby today. She was early and we’re trying to decide if we should go on with the baby shower. Idk.”
ME: “Oh wow! Did she have the birth naturally? Are you going to the hospital?”
ANYA: “She had a C-section. I’m not going to the hospital. My bro will be there with pictures. I miss u babe.”
ME: “Well, congratulations to your brother and to you on your new niece! I miss u too. I hope this doesn’t add more stress than you already have. Wish I could help.”
ANYA: “Thank you! I think the fair thing to do is to notify people of the baby and tell them the party is on.”
ME: “I think that’s a good idea, babe.”
ANYA: “Don’t mean to bum you out, but I can actually c us with one! Maybe another life!”
I reread her message again over and over as I felt like a sportscaster who claimed they couldn’t believe what they just saw. My first instinct was surprise, then jubilation, then absolute trepidation. Was this text a trap to see how much having a child meant to me? Was this a way to find a crack in my armor? How could she mean this when she made herself perfectly clear this wasn’t an option for her? Since I couldn’t ascertain the true intent of her message, I remained unresponsive like a man who just went into full blown cardiac arrest. I decided to let her make the next move, and forty minutes later she bit.
12:55 p.m.
“I was just kidding! Just leaving the office! I miss u!”
I knew our love had grown, but I didn’t believe it sprouted to the point of a total change of heart, especially about having kids. Of course, I wanted to have kids with her. She’s the only person I wanted to have a child with, but I knew going in kids were not an option with her, and not only did I respect it, but also willingly accepted it. When I responded to tell her I thought she was kidding, she confused me once again.
1:03 p.m.
“No, I wasn’t totally kidding. I can dream right? Xoxo! Peace!”
Now I was more confused than ever and couldn’t respond to anything. I just stood there, unable to move, pleaded the fifth, and just stared at my phone not knowing what to believe, but knowing if I responded in kind, it could be used against me in future guilt proceedings by Judge Anya. The problem was this though; my silence confused her as well.
2:03 p.m.
“???I love you!!!”
In my silence, she then took the angle I didn’t truly love her, and my love fled the scene now she wanted to have a baby with me; our baby. If I took this delectable bait though and clarified, she’d likely have something to grasp. If she wanted to have a child with me, no question I would love to, as I welcomed the chance to make a wrong in her life, right. To show her no one who truly loved her would ever cheat on her let alone if she gained weight due to pregnancy; even if she couldn’t have sex, or wasn’t even up to it, no one would ever jump ship like her cowardly husband did. I’d be there for her when she was ready; loyally, faithfully, forever loving, but was she as sincere as I was?
A few hours after I responded with an “I love you too” text, she text me later that evening to let me know how my silence affected her.
6:44 p.m.
“Hi! Not feeling the love today! Did I scare you with the baby talk? I was kidding baby! U don’t have to worry! Heading to book club.”
ME: “Do you really think it scared me to have a child with you? That you would give me the greatest gift other than yourself? I love you. That doesn’t scare me at all.”
ANYA: “I didn’t know. Just haven’t heard from you. It’s crazy for me to even entertain the idea of ever having another child. I admit I fantasize sometimes of having one with you. If you ask any of my friends they’d tell u I’m totally against ever having another child. For me to even think about it is a miracle. Paul and Marlene, my neighbors, are having a baby soon. It’s her first and she’s 42 years old. They are sooo happy. Can’t help fantasizing sometimes that’s all.”
ME: “I’m deeply flattered and I’m sorry Sweetheart. I didn’t mean to ignore you. I just thought maybe you were trying to bait me.”
ANYA: “Bait you?”
ME: “I didn’t think you were serious. I thought you were trying to get me to admit I want children. Like I said before, and I meant it, with every inch of my soul, the only child I would ever want to have is with you. So it wasn’t a trap?”
ANYA: “No, just a thought that’s all. I guarantee if we had one we would lose us.”
I understood where she stood from. It’s a sad fact, but most people who do have children greatly sacrifice their relationship. When you have kids, things are never the same again, and it’s easy to lose yourself because it’s never what you expect. Anya had a horrible experience though, and as much as she didn’t want to admit it, his betrayal traumatized her. And what was her crime for giving her husband the two greatest gifts he’s ever received? She gained too much weight after the pregnancy, and became unworthy of her husband’s desire because he simply had the power of other options? It made me sick to think about how much she suffered during her second pregnancy while he was out and about running around with another woman, and if that wasn’t emotional abuse, I will never know what is.
I was blown away by her texts once I realized it wasn’t a game. Anya felt as if she changed my destiny, and of course she did, but it was my choice too, not just hers. I loved her deeply enough to forgo having children, not because I feared we would lose us, but because I loved her and she didn’t want to have them. It was the rule of engagement when we began seeing each other. I knew that rule and I accepted it by falling. To have her change her mind, to even fantasize about it, was undoubtedly the greatest compliment I had ever received from anyone before, and for her to want to carry my child was not only the greatest honor but filled me with the ultimate sense of happiness and pride as it represented the most vital evidence yet I had truly swept her off her feet.
When her book club meeting ended, she text me.
6:44 p.m.
“Hi! R u there?”
ME: “Hi babe. I’m here. I hope I didn’t hurt you today in my silence. If I did I am truly sorry. It was not my intention.”
ANYA: “You didn’t hurt me babe. I just thought I scared you.”
ME: “No way. I guess I needed to know you meant it. It was the greatest compliment I’ve ever received in my life. I miss u.”
ANYA: “I miss u too. I’m home now. Have to say goodnight. Would love to hear ur voice sometime tomorrow. I miss talking to you. I miss u. I love you forever!”
ME: “I’ll give you a call tom babe. Goodnight. I love you forever too!”
We made arrangements to talk on the phone when I got off of work the following evening at six-thirty. Although I wanted to talk on the phone more often than we did because I loved the sound of her voice, it was hard with her kids around to do so, and I never wanted her to leave them just to talk with me. After a long stressful workday for me however, I felt nothing but elation to know I would soon hear my perfect melody.
I call her at six-thirty exactly as she sounded excited to hear from me, and it didn’t take long before she quickly took the reins of the subject matter as it appeared our textversation from yesterday weighed heavily on her mind.
“I hope you don’t think I regret having my kids.” she said. “I realize I sound like I’m against having kids but that’s not true.”
“That never crossed my mind. I know how much you love them. Even I love them and I don’t even know them because of all the things you shared with me about them. If I thought you regretted having your kids, it would be because you never talk about them or hardly mention them.”
“I guess what I’m trying to say is I think the experience is different for everybody, and I just had a bad experience, you know…and maybe I’m blaming it on having kids.” she said. “I should have seen the warning signs though.”
“What were the warning signs? “ I asked.
“Well, for instance, each time we’d go out to dinner, he’d flirt with the hostesses and the waitresses at the restaurant.” she elaborated. “He would even check women out all the time when we were together, in front of me. Like I was not even there. Unfeeling. When he cheated the first time, while I was pregnant with Andrew, I had to actually go and talk to the husband.”
“The husband?” I said in shock. “You mean he cheated on you when you were pregnant with another married woman?”
“Yes, he did.” she said. “I blamed myself a lot for it because after I told her husband, he eventually ended up divorcing her. I felt a lot of guilt about that.”
I’ve heard of a lot of bad things in this life. I knew this life wasn’t fair, but I didn’t realize people who probably drew the envy of Satan existed. So now, not only did I know he disrespected Anya in public, he had absolutely no respect for the marriages of others, yet he still had the audacity to make her feel guilty about her empty feelings for him. As his arrogance and narcissism shot off the charts, her revelation also told me the stress brought on by his betrayal and her heavy heart caused Andrew’s premature birth. The fact she was still with him boggled my mind and again, it made me wonder what I didn’t know. Why would she still be with a man who has shown this much disrespect to not only her, but to others? If he could care less about ruining the marriages of other people, I now found myself feeling zero guilt whatsoever for my involvement in her life, and I was ready to fight for her more than ever especially knowing she now dreamed of having a child with me.
“From what you’ve shared with me about him. All I’ve learned about him through you. Especially when you told me he told you he would trade you in for two twenty year olds when you turned forty, I have no doubt he would have cheated on you regardless of the kids.” I responded. “It seems like integrity, character, and even a conscience isn’t in his DNA. Sweetheart, I really, really, really think, in fact I know, you need to stop blaming his betrayal on having kids and start blaming him for the reason you lost each other.”
“You’re right. Sad, but true.” she said. “I feel bad for tainting you. I know it would be different with you. You’d be totally there for me in every way. I feel awful for telling you that.”
“Sweetheart, you could never taint me and you didn’t lose your husband because you had kids; he was lost to begin with. Things would be completely different with me. I love you for you. Not for just what you look like or just what you can give me, but what you allow me to give you. We would never lose us if we had a child because with you I’m always found, never lost. I hope you believe me. When I say I love you, I mean it in every sense of the word. I want to take good care of your heart for the rest of your life. You’re everything to me. I’m never going to jeopardize losing you especially over something that would only bring us closer together for eternity.”
“You’re an incredible man.”
“I’m not though, babe—I’m just a regular man who’s completely in love with you.” I told her. “So don’t feel bad about anything. You’ve been through a lot. You’re so busy you don’t realize the pain you still hold on to, but I understand how you feel. I will always understand how you feel.”
“I’m sorry for telling you what I did. I felt awful. I hope I didn’t paint a bad picture.” She said. “You didn’t know you were dealing with such a whackjob didn’t u?”
“You’re not a whack job, babe. You’re a human being. With real feelings and emotions that you’re safe to feel with me. Things you should’ve always been made to feel safe to feel. You’re the Sistine Chapel to me. I love you forever.”
“I love you forever. No question.”
“No question.” I said.
After our conversation, I believe we both felt better and understood what all the baby talk meant; why it existed in the first place. It was a significant revelation though; a great advance in our relationship. It proved we were both vested in each other, even willing to knock down what I thought to be insurmountable walls when we first began, and I trusted every word she told me as I now begged the Universe for a chance to show her what a real love was all about.
The next day, she sent me a text to describe her feelings after our conversation.
3:08 p.m.
“Hi! I just fell in love w/another chubby little girl while running errands! She had the cutest smile!”
After I read her text, I smiled broadly then hoped for many more chubby little girls and boys to find her line of sight.
That very same evening she hosted a party at her house, a gathering that included both Carolyn and Debbie. Since C & D were there, I felt safe enough to text her and see how the party was going but her responses seemed a bit out of the ordinary.
8:04 p.m.
“Hi! Did u make it home ok? Going through withdrawals?”
ME: “I am! We need to talk on the phone again soon. Is C&D still at your house?
ANYA: “Yes and yes! We’re still hanging out. How r u?”
ME: “I’m good. Please tell them I said “hi”! I miss u.”
She never responded to my last text. No “They said hello”. No “I miss you too”. No “I love you forever” and as I tried to not let her silence affect me, I had to take notice how it was unlike her not to respond or at the very least wish me a goodnight. I then started to rationalize Debbie and Carolyn were probably in the dark about the way she felt for me, and I felt mildly better, but I suddenly recalled her conversation a couple of months ago with the clairvoyant when she asked Anya specifically “What was coming up in June?”
“My wedding anniversary.” she told me.
And then it was clear to me, the only logical reason for her rare non-response; tonight a party was being thrown with friends and neighbors to celebrate her wedding anniversary.
I tried to dismiss the thought, but because she didn’t text me back, it seemed to make the most sense as I reasoned he had to be around them in suspicion. I tried to not let it get me down, but it being a Friday night, it was hard to discount as I had a hard time falling asleep, and the more I thought about it, the more my stomach began to churn as I began to dry heave because I hadn’t eaten a thing that evening. It made me literally sick to fathom the thought of glasses being raised in celebration over something and someone so wrong, so contrived, so fake. I don’t know why these thoughts consumed me, I knew she loved me, but my low self-esteem forced an appearance and I couldn’t deny the existence of a great sorrow I felt. A haunting disturbance inside as if there was a ghost in the room with me, but when I saw my reflection in my closet’s mirror doors, I quickly learned I was the only ghost in the room on this night.
I barely managed to sleep, and it wasn’t until I convinced myself she loved me because of all the baby talk the other day that I began to fade into darkness. When the sun saved me from the night, I felt much better as I blamed the fatigue from the stress of the long work week for most of my worry as I believed the new day would be kinder on my heart.
7:14 a.m.
“Good morning! Hope u had a good nite! Sorry the girls stayed late. How r u?”
I didn’t know how to respond as the girls had never been a reason for her not to send me at least a goodnight text. Something didn’t sound right at all as I further believed it was indeed an anniversary party she hosted. I didn’t want her to think I was bothered by it because I could have been wrong too, like I had been several times before, so I just told her I understood, I was good, and asked how she was doing.
7:31 a.m.
“Going to a conservative/orthodox Bat Mitzvah at 9:30. It’s a 3 hour service and then lunch. Just shoot me!!! Xoxo!!”
I was just thankful the party was over as her texts made me feel a little better, but with the day came an unusually quiet afternoon and when the evening provided more evidence this was a celebratory weekend for her, I became ridden with an anguish that left me paralyzed.
1:21 p.m.
“Hi! Longest service ever!”
7:46 p.m.
“Hi! On my way to L.A. Going to say goodnight now b/c I don’t know how late I’ll be out. Love u!”
Those three texts were the extent of her messages to me on this day, and it made me sick to my stomach to think that a marriage full of dishonesty and disloyalty was worthy of weekend festivities. Even though I could’ve been wrong, I didn’t believe I was, as it coincided with what she told me a couple of months ago. I knew she was married, but after all we’ve shared this part of the façade was now tougher than ever, if not impossible, to digest. If Anya ever felt guilty about the things she did with him, the pain she put my heart through at times because of the facade, I figured I would see a text from her later.
8:15 p.m.
“I miss u.”
10:17 p.m.
“I miss u…”
10:55 p.m.
“XoXo”
Instead, like her hopes, wishes and dreams, she sent me three, and it was something I desperately needed to see. After I received them, I imagined her in a high class restaurant, with her husband, among family and their elegant friends, and as much it hurt me to imagine, my heart broke for her at the same time mine did. She was not in the presence of love; something she deserved to be in. The baby talk was substantial, but was it said because she knew what was going down this weekend? I didn’t want to give her a hard time about this, but I also couldn’t be fake, I needed her honesty because her truth by omission, a truth only known if I asked, was not truth.
I don’t think at this point it mattered, but little did I know, I was on the verge of learning what the great missing piece was. Why she hid so much from me. Why her truth by omission existed and purposely, by her own design evaded me.
And my life would never be the same again.