“There are no heroes…in life, the monsters win.”
~ George R.R. Martin
After gathering myself from absolute despair, I returned her text. I didn’t mean to leave her hanging purposely, and I definitely didn’t expect her frantic question mark text, but after I received it I knew she was worried about us. As much pain as this trip brought me, to imagine her in any pain hurt me more than any negative thought I could muster; I loved her dearly even at the expense of my own heartache. There were things I definitely needed to know, things I couldn’t run and hide from, but she had just returned home from her trip, and now it was about Katie and Andrew, not about Landyn and Anya. They hadn’t seen their parents in nearly two weeks and it would be extremely insensitive and selfish of me to discuss anything I felt at this time. As much anguish as her trip had brought me, I was just really happy she was home.
ME: “Welcome back! I’m happy to hear you’re back home safe and sound! Thanks for letting me know! I’m sure you want to catch up with the kids so I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Have a goodnight! I love you.”
ANYA: “HI SWEETS! THANKS FOR UNDERSTANDING. I HAVE TO ADMIT I WAS HOPING TO CLEAR MY HEAD WHILE AWAY AND MAKE A DECISION ONE WAY OR ANOTHER ABOUT US WHEN I GOT BACK. I’M CONFUSED MORE THAN EVER. ALL I COULD THINK ABOUT WHILE AWAY WAS YOU AND THE KIDS.”
I didn’t know how to respond to her text. Clear her head while she was away? Confused more than ever? I felt out of the loop, lost, and in my silence I believe she sensed that.
ANYA: “I just love you so much and that was clear to me while away. I’m going to spend some time with the kids to catch up. Don’t think I’m giving up. Please text me before I sign off for the night. I want to know your feelings. Oh btw, we met ten months ago, the 2nd of June! Love u.”
ME: “I’m sorry, I don’t understand. What do you want to know about my feelings?”
ANYA: “Have your feelings changed? Have you had time to clear your head?”
I honestly didn’t know what to say to her. Yes, I had a difficult time when she was away and yes there were things I needed to know, but I also needed her full attention to them. I couldn’t ask her to spend time with me and not her children. Her catching up with them was more important than catching up on all I felt while she was away. These were things I had to save for the next day when she had time to discuss them. It would be unfair to her for me to share them now.
ME: “My feelings never changed and I didn’t need any time to clear my head. Can I ask you what made it so clear to you that you were in love with me while you were away?”
ANYA: “I wished you were w/ me at meetings, events, dinners, parties, walks, tours, sunsets, sunrises, moments. Etc.”
Her clarity brought a smile to my face as it told me whose company she preferred and how much she missed me. Her trip away brought some of the toughest days of my life, but to know this beautiful woman wanted me by her side at all these events, all these places, and all these moments gave me the solace that she had a hard time as well. It’s not that I wanted her to suffer; I just needed to know how much I meant to her, what my place in her life was and if my absence was felt.
She texted me at five fifteen the next morning, and asked me if I would call her right back or later in the afternoon. I asked if I could call her on my lunch break and she obliged. Now that she was home, I felt safer, and at ease. I hated to push aside all I felt while she was away, but the pain lessened to a great extent because I had the one thing back in my life that made me appreciate it. I didn’t want to open Pandora’s Box about the trip, but I also wanted to be real and true about how it made me feel. Even though these negative thoughts were truly horrific, I promised her I would be okay. If I communicated to her I struggled mightily, it would crush her. Then she would have to face her children and they would wonder what was wrong with mom. I loved her too much to put her in that position, and my feelings were too raw and I needed time to sort them all out, even on paper if I had to. The form of our relationship was one of the highest in sensitivity and fragility, but heavy emotions made it difficult to treat it as such, like a tight rope walker holding a priceless antique who had a fear of heights. These negative emotions had to be presented in a way in which she understood where I was coming from.
Before I phoned her, I prepared myself to lay it all on the line if I sensed any inconsistency from her. If I sensed any confusion existed, I was going to walk because there couldn’t be any in this situation. Period. The confusion should have showed itself four months ago, not now because everything that was in place four months ago, even years ago, were still in place now; so in my mind, how could there be any confusion at all after all she had told me and experienced with me? I truly didn’t know what I’d tell her or say on this phone call, but I also couldn’t pretend not to be affected by her trip because there was nobility in honesty, and she deserved that from me.
“Hi!” she said excitedly after she picked up the phone on the first ring.
“Hey stranger!” I said. “Nice to hear your voice again.”
“Nice to hear your voice again too. I’ve missed you so much.”
“I’ve missed you beyond words.” I said. “How are you?”
“I’m fine. I’m sorry I couldn’t talk to you last night.”
“I totally understand. Your time with the kids was more important.”
“Thanks for understanding.” she said. “So you didn’t need time to clear you head?”
“Not at all. I had time to clear my head five months before we reconnected.”
“I think I just said that because…well, I was afraid that’s what you were doing while I was away.”
My heart broke when she said this to me as I realized my low self–esteem disallowed me to consider this possibility, and it completely altered and softened my pre-phone call stance.
“It never crossed my mind.” I stated. “Is there something I don’t know about that would make me reevaluate my thoughts?”
“No.” she responded. “Like what?”
“I wouldn’t know what to ask you. Should I have cleared my head?”
“I’ve told you everything.”
“Okay…and I trust you have, so that’s why I didn’t need to clear my head.” I said. “Can I ask you a question?”
“You can ask me anything.”
“In your text last night you mentioned you were confused and then you stated that it was clear to you that you were in love with me while you were away.” I said. “But what was it exactly that clarified it for you? I didn’t know you were going on this this trip with the hopes you were going to clear your head so you could make a decision about us because I thought your love for me was clear. If you’re considering on working things out with your husband, I need to know.”
“Not at all. I was not planning on patching things up with my husband, and that wasn’t my hope at all on the trip, and like I told you before, I don’t want to go to counseling, and I don’t want to work on my marriage. Babe, you are not the reason I don’t want to work on it. He is the reason.” she stated.
“That means a lot to hear you say that.” I said as I fought back tears.
“I spent a lot of time alone on this trip. Yes, I was with him, but I wasn’t with him.” she stated further. “For every meeting, every party, every event, every sunrise, every sunset, every dinner, every tour…just every moment I had, I wished that you were with me, but those moments were not the only things that made it clear to me how much I love you though.”
“Really? What could have possibly made it clearer?”
“Every morning before everyone else was awake; I went down to the beach and sat down on this small bench to watch the sunrise. It was actually more like an oversized seat than an actual bench. There was another one about twenty feet away, so I would drag it over and put it next to the bench I sat on.”
“I’m sure you didn’t need two of them.” I interrupted. “You’re pretty petite.”
“It wasn’t for me, babe.”
My stomach filled with dread as I began to realize where this story may be headed, and faced with the prospect of this bad news I readied myself to call in sick after lunch. This was all too much for me to endure after her trip, and at this moment, the moment where inconsistency and confusion would surely rule, I knew I was done.
“Who was it for?” I asked against my will.
“It was for you.” she said. “The only reason I got up that early was so I could pull that little bench up next to mine and dream that you were sitting there next to me, holding me in your arms as the sun rose.”
Tears fell from my cheek as I listened to a story I couldn’t believe I heard.
“It hit me hard that you weren’t there, but wishing you were there made me realize how important you are to me.” she continued. “I already knew I was in love with you but I didn’t realize just how much until that moment, and I needed some time away from you for that to become clear to me. Does that answer your question?”
“More than a question could ever be answered.” I said as I wiped the tears from my face. “You were all I thought about, all the days you were away, and I truly was next to you on that bench every morning, just not physically.”
“I know you were. I love you.
“I love you too.”
After she shared her bench story, I understood why she hoped to clear her head. The confusion lied only within how deeply she felt for me, and not if she felt anything for me as it was all clear to me now. Once we survived Tenerife, I believed we would survive anything, as this trip with her husband would be the last one she ever took with him alone, and I never had to ask her not to, as once again she loved me without my knowledge of its receipt.
We made plans to meet the following Tuesday at my place during my lunch hour. I just wanted her so badly in my arms again, to feel her skin against mine and all the comfort it brought within as I was elated her trip was now behind us. On Sunday though, I started to feel negativity slowly seep in as after that morning I hadn’t heard from her all day, and I started to feel that cavernous hole in my gut again. I then decided to text her goodnight and to just sleep it off, but instead of a goodnight text from her, I received one I never saw coming.
9:28 p.m.
“Hi! How r u?”
ME: “I’m okay. How r u?”
ANYA: “I’m ok. I’m at the bookstore looking for new books from Book Club. Tough nite for me, a little emotional.
ME: “What happened?”
I feared the worst. I had not heard from her all day, and now I felt her confusion had made a triumphant return to its nest of inconsistency.
ANYA: “Nothing really. Had a little fight with my “mother-in-law”! She’s impossible and I’m sooo sick of her opinions! She expects me to be perfect! Sorry…”
ME: “I’m sorry to hear that. I’m here for you if you need to vent.”
ANYA: “Just sooo sick of it! I felt like they were ganging up on me. I’m sorry it’s not your problem. Just really frustrated. I miss u.”
ME: “Does she press you to be perfect? I’m sorry. I miss u too.”
ANYA: “Yes b/c according to her she was the perfect “mom” and “wife”!”
I didn’t know what to say. Even though I didn’t care for her husband at all, I didn’t want to feel any ill feelings toward his mother or to encourage them. It wasn’t her fault that her son lacked integrity and character in his marriage and I didn’t want to be disrespectful towards her so I left it alone even though I was concerned about Anya and wanted to be there for her.
ME: “Well Sweetheart, she does come from a different era. I know how my father can be critical and overly opinionated at times. That” their way or the highway” mentality. She’s old babe, and probably dealing with lots of physical aches and pains now, things you don’t know about that may make her irritable. Please don’t let it bother you too much. You know you’re doing the best you can. Everyone has their own way of doing things anyway. I know you’ve gone beyond being a wife and I already know you’re a great mother. Don’t let her get under your skin. It’s not worth it.”
ANYA: “I know babe. Thank u. You’re my hero!”
ME: “Well, you know where I am if you need me. I hope you feel better.”
ANYA: “Thank u! I feel better just knowing u r there for me! I love you.”
ME: “I love you too.”
ANYA: “Do you know what else?”
ME: “No. What else is there?”
ANYA: “She knows about the infidelities and she expects me to just suck it up! Thanks for listening. I’m done complaining for now. What r you doing?”
ME: “Just hanging here at home. Wow! She should be thankful you didn’t take her son to the cleaners! That’s crazy. Now I’m upset with her too.”
ANYA: “Yeah, she’s something else! Sorry, don’t get mad. She’s just old and I just let her have her way. My life is easier that way. Wish we were hanging out.”
ME: “Me too. I’m sorry I’m not there with you now. Did you find your books?”
ANYA: “Yes. Found my books. Goodnight baby. Thanks for listening. I love you! I’ll dream about you!”
ME: “I’ll dream about you too. Take care over there. I’m sorry you have to deal with her flippant attitude over her son’s infidelities. For what it’s worth, my mom would’ve kicked my butt and taken your side! I love you too! Goodnight.”
ANYA: “Ur a good man. One of a kind! She knows everything. One day I’ll tell you all about her. She is no angel. Xoxo!”
After such a depressing day I needed a breakthrough and I believe she gave me one this evening. I didn’t want to say anything bad about someone who was a mother and a grandmother, but how could she justify the actions of her son and act as if the pain he wielded on his wife should be a non-issue? I didn’t know the details of what her argument was about, and I didn’t ask because I felt if Anya wanted me to know she would tell me, but at least I had something else I could hang our relationship’s hat on.
I would have never pursued this relationship if I didn’t believe it was extraordinary. Anya was my soulmate, and if I felt she was anything less than that, I would have never put myself through all of this. There was something special about us, but for the first time in my life, I felt there was something special about me. As much as Tenerife pained me, as much as it hurt, I didn’t have the heart to disappoint both of us. Nothing worth having in life was easy, and there were going to be some good days and there were going to be some bad days, but I just prayed the schism between them would not be too vast. Her bench story saved us, and this episode tonight anchored me for the long haul.
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Another thing I worried about was being just her emotional friend; that she loved me only because I was there for her emotionally. This night proved that she didn’t just lean on me for that. She didn’t tell me the details of her disagreement or what caused them all to gang up on her. She told me just what she wanted me to know, and even told me it was her problem to figure out. I knew tonight I was not just an emotional friend, but her best friend.
She never complained to me about her husband, not one time in four months, but it bothered me to know how hard she worked, and how much she did for her children. How she busted her tail with homework, baseball games, and ballet all so her husband could run around on her, so if she doesn’t suck it up she’s not the perfect wife and mother? How did his responsibility of being the perfect husband escape that equation? If I thought she had been emotionally abused by him before, I now knew she was and it appeared to be a team effort. What I learned tonight in tandem with the bench story was going to make Tuesday very special.
Two weeks passed since her last visit when Tuesday kindly arrived, and I never felt so happy to see another human being in my lifetime. The very minute we entered my apartment we wasted no time as we removed most of our clothing and jumped onto my bed in each other’s arms while our lips satisfied our longing. After twenty minutes of uninterrupted affection and a heightened arousal, I slowed it down and held her tightly as I caught my libido. She then engaged me with her beautiful dark eyes.
“What?” I probed, smiling back at her.
“Are we ever going to make love?” she asked softly.
“Do you think it’s right to make love to you and then just send you off into the day an hour later? I think you’re deserving of more than that from me.”
“It sure would be nice to have a night together.”
“That would be the ultimate for me.” I replied, genuinely. “I think if we’re patient though we’re going to experience some really beautiful things together one day.”
“I wish you would force me to make a decision.”
“Well, I wouldn’t think that’s right or fair to do to you, and like I’ve said before, I want you to come into the best situation possible.”
“Do you ever get mad at me though?”
“I don’t want to say I get mad at you, but do I get frustrated sometimes? Yes, but when I think about the big picture, I understand I have to be patient, and if it gets to a point where I do get upset with you, I’ll have to let you know because communication is everything, especially in a relationship like this. I hate the fact we’re living dishonestly right now so I can’t be a hypocrite and be dishonest with you about how I’m feeling about something, but I also know I can’t get into an airplane knowing the weather is bad and not expect some turbulence. I knew you were married and I’d have to sweep you off your feet.”
“I could understand if you get mad at me though.”
“I’m not big on confrontation or arguing. When I was growing up, my Dad would argue constantly and it always bothered me so I would rather just turn the other cheek or talk things out in a civil manner. I try not to get upset about anything.” I explained. “So my turn to ask you a question.”
“Ok.”
“Have you been eating chocolate chip cookies the last two nights?”
“Ha! You remember I do that when I’m down.”
“I remember everything you tell me.”
“I was…but I’m over it now.” she said. “Do you want to know what happened?”
“Sure. If you’re willing to share.”
“We were all at the dinner table and Katie started texting. I asked her to please put her phone down until after dinner, but she didn’t listen to me so I took it away from her.”
“Sounds like you did the right thing.”
“Well, they didn’t think so. They thought I was being unreasonable. Her report card wasn’t all that great also, and I found out boys are texting her constantly. I felt it’s a distraction so I took her phone away for the weekend. They thought my discipline was too harsh.”
“They did?”
“Yeah...so I guess I’m not the perfect mother.”
“Oh Sweetheart, you are so wrong. I believe you did the right thing regardless of what they think. I mean the phones we had growing up were perched on a wall. Dinner time was family time, not friend time. Parents can’t be friends, they have to be parents, and I think you are the perfect mother for doing what a good parent does. You taught your daughter that her behavior was not appropriate or acceptable. Not to mention you probably worked hard to cook a meal for the whole family and that alone should command your attention and respect from her. One day Katie will probably do that for a family of her own and she should reprimand her children the same way if they do that to her. I don’t know how they can argue with your form of discipline. I’m shocked your mother in law, a guest in your house, and your husband, basically your support system thought your form of discipline was harsh.”
‘Well, I’m over it.” she said as she leaned in to kiss me. “Thanks for sticking up for me. I love you.”
“I love you too.” I said. “I probably shouldn’t ask you this, but did you ever finish your pros and cons list?”
“Do you want to hear it?”
“Only if you think I should.” I said.
“Well, I’m still working on it actually but I’ll share some of what I have so far with you.”
“Fair enough.”
“One of the cons, one of the things that worry me is what my friends, my family and co-workers would think of me if I left. I stand to lose seventy-five percent of my friends if I leave.” she said.
“Okay.” I replied, a bit confused.
“I also feel I have a responsibility to raise my kids in a family setting.”
“I understand.” I responded with genuine concern but with quiet reservation.
I didn’t want to pipe in with my opinion. They were her concerns and because of that they were legitimate and important to listen to, but for now they needed to be stored in the memory banks. It was difficult not to be affected by her concerns only because I felt these were in place five months before we reconnected, and even before she met me as evidenced by her relationship with the romantic singer who she told me broke her heart. I felt if she were to lose her friends all because she chose not to live life unhappily, an unhappiness far different from the natural unhappiness that comes with most marriages during the passage of time, that they weren’t her real friends to begin with. She wouldn’t be abandoning her children; she would be leaving a broken marriage and a disrespectful, unfaithful husband. What kind of friends were they if they couldn’t support that?
I could understand how her co-workers could be affected because they worked for her. Would they lose their jobs if she left him? Would the company stay intact? I didn’t know the answers and didn’t realize her business was large enough for employees, but I could understand how they could be affected by her decision, but I would hope something could be worked out for their benefit.
I expected her to be concerned with what her family might think because I already knew her family seemed to be generally unsupportive with anything she did, even if it was the right thing to do. Anya cared about what others thought of her to a great extent, and I appreciated that, it’s one of the things I loved about her, that she appeared to put others before herself. She had been doing that for years, but at the same time others didn’t live with her unhappiness and with her stress, and if they truly knew all she went through how could they not be supportive of her decision? I would like to think they cared enough about her mental well-being to be so.
Then I dwelled internally on her responsibility to raise her kids in a family setting. I got where she was coming from there too, and that would be ideal. To me, this con was more defensible than the first con she shared, but she also had a responsibility to raise her kids in an honest family setting because she owed them just as much to believe she was a loving mother and not a soulless robot who’s mere duty was to raise them in a “family” setting; a family setting where they could feel secure that there was trust, respect and love between their mother and father. The fact that they believed their mother, who was the most loving person I knew was unloving, made this family setting a fraudulent one that deprived their children of knowing their mother was one of the most loving people on the planet.
As much as these cons rattled me, I stayed quiet and just took in all she had to share.
“I have a friend who is a designer. She just turned forty-three years old and she got married last week to a forty year old man.” she said. “She is so in love and I am so envious of her.”
“I bet she’s really happy.” I said.
‘She is—but it makes me afraid.”
“Afraid?” I wondered aloud. “That she could have her heart broken and get cheated on too one day?”
“No.” she stated. “It makes me afraid because I realize if you leave me I will never feel love again. I will be in a loveless marriage.”
“That’s why I’m here.” I said. “I don’t want that for you. If this relationship has taught me a thing about you it’s that you need a real love in your life, and that being truly loved is important to you. I truly believe with my love you would be a better person and even a better mother. I just wish I had something great to offer you right now, but I have to be patient, and I truly believe you will have love in your life forever.”
“I’m jaded.” she said. “I’d give up everything to be with you…but I can’t give up my kids.”
She told me kids were resilient. She told me nothing is impossible. She told me the romantic singer left her and broke her heart because she had kids. I walked away from her to avoid being thrown in this kind of predicament…why would she tell me this now? I knew she loves her kids and wanted the best for them. I understood that, but to love her so much and to hear this now was disheartening to say the least. How could she have allowed me to feel this much for her, and then stick a wedge between me and her kids? Her fears were not irrational to have, however to pit me against them was not rational based on all I was told to allow me to feel all that I have. In the same breath, over time I believe she would see all I did and come around to understand what her reality was now. For now though, Anya needed me to understand the way she feels and once I did that, I could present to her a different angle she’d have no choice but to consider. The time for her to leave him wasn’t now—I had to secure the partnership position at my firm first before I could ask her to make a decision.
Still, what she told me I wasn’t expecting after all she told me that encouraged me to feel all of the deep emotions I did for her that have manifested into an absolute longing.
“Babe, you wouldn’t have to.” I replied, trying to bounce back. “I know that is the most important relationship of all, but it’s not me or the kids, it’s going to be me and the kids. I just need some time to show you that, and I will.”
“You know what’s crazy?” she asked.
“No…what’s crazy?”
“I’m not even sure if my husband never cheated on me, if I would love him.”
“Generally, nothing lasts forever. Your love for someone changes over time in a marriage naturally. It goes from one form of love to another. It evolves. That’s the general unhappiness of a marriage though. That’s the form of love the vows “for better or for worse” means. It doesn’t mean you jump ship and go find love elsewhere. It means you hang in there, work on things and find it again.” I explained. “The only reason I’m in your life is because he did cheat. I could understand one time, it could be a mistake, but when you cheat more than once, it becomes a decision. That’s the only reason I believe in our love because I see how much it means to you and I know how much it means to me. If it was anything less than what we feel right now, I wouldn’t be here. This is special. A once in a lifetime.”
“I don’t know how you know so much about love. Your insight about love changing over the years is right on. You’re like the male version of Jane Austen, but in a good way.”
“Hmmm. I don’t know who she is, but thanks. I think.” I responded, laughing. “I’ve observed and dreamt about love. The way it should be. I’ve never found it until I met you, so I appreciate it and never take it for granted because I know how valuable it is. Love is all I’ve ever really wanted in life because with it, I feel everything else I want will come. It’s a sad thing in this world when a guy who says he would never cheat on someone is treated as “one of a kind”. If we were married, you would never have any trust issues because you would have two things…all my love and all my respect. They go hand in hand. I would never dream of cheating on you if we were married. That’s why I would marry you in the first place. I mean why get married if all I’m going to do is be tempted to be with someone else? I would want to be able to say in front of God, friends, family and you that I would remain loyal to you for better or for worse until death do us part and mean it, otherwise I’d be a hoax, just going through the motions to make everyone happy. You know babe, a lot of people are out there in relationships because they fear being alone or fear what’s out there and not because of love. They interpret being in fear with being in love. People even date for the sake of dating. I just never believed in that so I thought it best to remain available so I would never hurt anyone when the right one came along. I think it’s noble but it’s a stigma in today’s society, and I’d even go as far to say I feel like I don’t belong here; like I’m not part of the human race. I just feel so removed sometimes.”
“I’m a simple girl but not easily impressed, but you never fail to impress the heck out of me.” she said with watered eyes. “I think you’re right about people being in fear of being alone. I can relate. You’re just an amazing guy, brave and noble. I’m so intrigued and impressed by your conviction. With you I just know that you would never cheat. That is what I love about you. There are plenty of men out there but in my eyes and heart you’re the real man.”
“Thanks for that. I try even though it usually works against me.”
“I want to see and be around you every day.” she said.
“I want the same thing beautiful.” I said. “If you weren’t married and you were single, I’d feel the same way. I love you to death.”
“Do you remember my “miss you” text I sent you after the night we reconnected?”
“One of my favorite texts from you. Of course, I do.” I told her. “Did you know you’re the only woman who has ever been in this bed?”
“No way. Really?”
“Honestly. I bought this bed over four years ago too.” I informed her. “and you’re the only one I want to ever have in it.”
“I want that too babe.” she said as she leaned into me for a soft kiss.
It’s not like I had any real prospects when she wasn’t in my life, but I had come to know her and had fallen in love with her. I knew it was possible, but of course I couldn’t have prepared myself for how deeply I had fallen, but she epitomized the realization of my self-worth as before her, life went on and would go on, but that’s all it would ever do. She was everything to live for, and I was even loyal to her in my thoughts. She was the only woman I fantasized about making love to the minute we started seeing each other seriously, and no other woman in my past, on the screen or in pictures ever crossed my mind. I was even more loyal to her than her own husband was, and it was the easiest thing I had ever done in my life.
When it was time for her to leave, my left arm had a hard time letting her go. I finally felt like myself again within the safety of her soft eyes and warm smile as nothing even nature could conjure up could compete with the beauty of those features in my eyes. They made me feel so at peace with everything in life, like I actually belonged here, finally a part of the human race. When she left, I felt a sudden sadness hit me hard, and I decided to just stay home and not go back into the office as the beauty of the day left me in a daze; a state of pure intoxication.
As I returned to my room after I had walked her to the gate, I noticed a black piece of clothing that dangled from the top of my bed board. When I realized this item was her bra, I swiftly reached for it and closed my eyes. I then brought it to my face as her sweet perfume permeated my sense of smell. As I laid it down on my bed, I smiled when it hit me that a part of her was still her with me, that a part of her never left. I then heard my phone vibrate suddenly on my dresser.
1:26 p.m.
“I hope I didn’t embarrass you by leaving “it” there. Miss you already! Love you! Xoxo!”
ME: “I can’t thank you enough for “it”. Miss you already! Love you too! Xoxo!”
For the next four hours I kept her bra with me wherever I went in my apartment as I brought it to my face every twenty minutes just so I could feel as if she was still with me. As crazy as this sounds all I could say was Love; it just works that way.
I also had this extension of her love right next to me when she text me again a few hours later.
4:41 p.m.
“Haven’t stopped thinking about today! U felt so good! Sorry it wasn’t a pinky swear day but it was good to share thoughts. Miss u. I could see you every day! I will dream about “our night”! We would have so much fun! I love you!”
It was comforting to know she felt the same things I did, but after today though, I knew I would have to put together an essay of some sort that showed her my feelings to her cons. I already agreed with all her pros, and it’s not like I disagreed with her cons, they were all valid, but I needed something really convincing and heartfelt to show her the earth wasn’t flat. I didn’t know if there would ever be a need to share it with her, but I had a feeling I might be up against something I wasn’t aware of, and I had to prepare myself for her consensus of pessimism.
On Thursday morning, just before I headed out the door to head to work, I received a rare phone call from her.
“Good morning!” I answered excitedly. “What a nice surprise!”
“Good morning handsome! How are you?”
“Doing well at the moment. Thanks. Just missing you like crazy! How are you?”
“Missing you like crazy too! Haven’t stopped thinking about you since I left you yesterday! Crazy! I’m trying to figure out when I can see you again. I’d hate to keep having you take time off, but it gets tricky for me on the weekends.”
“It’s okay Sweetheart, I understand. I have plenty of vacation and sick hours built up because I never go anywhere or get sick. The firm doesn’t mind me using them at all. If I don’t, they have to pay me out.”
“Maybe we can meet for a quick spill tomorrow night somewhere? I’ll try my best. I just miss you so much!”
“The missing is more than mutual. I would love to.”
“Let me work on it then and I’ll let you know.”
“Sounds good. I have your bra, but I can only pretend it’s you for so long before I need the real thing. Can’t get you out of my mind.”
“Ha! You are so on my mind! I hope I didn’t embarrass you at all by leaving it at your place. Don’t know what came over me. It was all in good fun. You can toss it if you want.”
“Okay then…I think I will toss it.” I said. “I’ll toss it over my lampshade. How’s that?”
“Haha! You’re too much.” she said. “I love you baby.”
“I love you too. Have a good day.”
“You, too.”
It was a pleasant surprise to hear from her, to know I was on her mind as much as she was on mine. I loved the fact she left me her bra, not because it represented a symbol of sexual pleasure but because it signified a piece of her heart. I could tell how much she loved me every time we were together though. I saw it in the smile on her face. The excitement in her voice. The emotion in her eyes. The passion in her kiss. The warmth of her touch. She adored me every time we were together and that’s a love I could not turn my back on because I felt the exact same way.
This week had been the most promising week of our relationship. It started with the morning she shared the bench story with me and the night she shared her dissatisfaction with her mother-in-law who felt her son’s infidelities should be swept under the rug. If trust didn’t mean a thing to her before, it meant everything to her now and she found that in me, a man who wasn’t even her husband who was more faithful to her. Sadly, she lived her life under a cloud of deception, and it was my job as her lover to lay it all on the line and tell her things she may not want to hear but had to hear. I would never consider myself a hero; I’ve never been to war, I’ve never saved a single life and I’ve done nothing to make this world proud of me, but I truly was her hero. The irony of it all was I had always wanted to be someone’s hero, but little did Anya know she was my hero. She had shown me the love I used to dream about, a love whose faith I had lost in its existence, was indeed real. I truly believed if I had met her before she got married, it never would have worked out between us because it took a man like her husband for her to see any value in a guy like me, and I was convinced we were supposed to meet now as untimely as it was.
After returning home from work. I gave my mother a call to see how she was doing. She informed me the results of her tests came back negative, but she would need regular follow-up appointments every three months. The news brought me great relief, and it was especially nice to hear her so upbeat again because I saw how the news of her lesions distressed her. I found my mother’s positive attitude in the face of Cancer inspiring and I honestly believed it was more effective than any treatment ever could be.
It had been a solid day for me. My mother’s Cancer results came back negative, Anya arranged it so we could see each other the following night, and I had a very productive day at work as I wrote in my journal about all these positive thoughts that gave me life like the blood that flowed through my veins. Unknown to me however while I basked in this rare state of bliss Anya and her husband were out on a dinner date, and I would learn the details unexpectedly when we met the following night that threatened my new found peace.