“Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone – we find it with another.”

~ Thomas Merton

10:45 a.m.

“Soaked! Such abuse! Let’s see, break down immune system, wear and tear on knees, freeze body and feed it beer! It was actually fun though! We really pushed and made decent time considering. Did you have a nice B-day night?”

I texted Anya to see how her half marathon went and when I read her text, it made me thankful running a half marathon was not an item on my bucket list. In fact if I were to run a half marathon I would never live long enough to finish the other items on the list. I told her my birthday night could have only been better if I had spent it with her, but it was still nice. Since I knew she was busy with her race group, I told her I would talk to her later and that I missed her.

11:00 a.m.

“Have a fun Super Bowl day! Miss you too!”

For an avid sports fan like myself to forget it was Super Bowl Sunday was such an awakening as it was just like forgetting today was a payday; a day that I just would never forget. I never did much on Super Bowl Sundays to begin with. My mom usually had a non-alcoholic beverages party at the house where she invited some close friends and family over, however I preferred to watch the game with my friends because of the crude banter and the drinking, but I knew it also meant a lot to my mother to have me watch the game with her at the house. She wasn't much of a sports fan at all, and probably couldn't tell you the names of the two teams playing, but she would decorate the living room with plastic football helmets and streamers with the colors of both teams simply because she knew sports meant a lot to me so my plan was to watch it with my parents this time around. This particular year pitted the New York Football Giants versus the New England Patriots. Tom Brady, the star quarterback for the Patriots, had led them to an unbeaten season heading into the big game and had a chance to do something only one other team had done in NFL history and that was to go undefeated in a season, and I, along with nearly ninety-nine percent of America believed the Giants didn’t have a chance. It was a big reason why I didn’t care much for the game this particular year because I thought they would get massacred, but as unexpected as falling in love was for me, the Giants jumped all over the undefeated Patriots early and led 9-0 after the first quarter. Even though the beginning of the game carried with it a huge surprise, the biggest surprise of the day was about to come my way, and it had nothing to do with the score of the game.

4:02 p.m.

“Hope you don’t have money on the Patriots!”

I was extremely surprised to hear from her during the Super Bowl and it suddenly made the game much more fun, and it only took thirty or so prior Super Bowls I had watched to feel this excited about the game.

ME: “Can you believe the Patriots are losing? Good thing I didn’t bet on this one! Lots of time left though. I think the Pats will pull this out.”

ANYA: “We’ll see! Wish we were watching together. Going to one of my girlfriend’s at half time for a “girls only” Super Bowl party.”

ME: “I wish we were watching it together too. I don’t know how much of the game we’d watch but I guarantee it would be a lot of fun! Have fun with your friends!”

ANYA: “We would have a lot of fun! Thank you baby! I love you!”

ME: “I love you!”

The Patriots had to settle for a field goal and still trailed 9-3 just before halftime when I heard from her again.

5:17 p.m.

“Sorry baby! Have a beer!”

ME: “Um…yeah. I think I may need more than one. I can’t believe what I’m seeing!”

ANYA: “Ha! I think you should have one!”

ME: “I can’t even get an O’Doul’s at this party! Trust me on this though. Just watch. The Patriots have been here before. They’re going to come back and score on this drive. They are too good not to.” I texted.

Three minutes passed before I received my affirmation text.

5:30 p.m.

“Yeah baby!!! You called it!”

Tom Brady had just hit Danny Woodhead for a touchdown to put the Patriots up 10-9 over the Giants at halftime. I usually followed the NFL season closely enough to know you don’t go the entire season undefeated being easy to put away. I knew they would make their run against the Giants but nothing could have prepared me for the end of the game and the helmet catch made by David Tyree of the Giants with time winding down. After that miraculous catch I texted her.

ME: “Did you see that? I can’t believe that just happened. The guy basically caught the football with his freaking helmet! Can you believe this game?”

ANYA: “I did! I’m stunned!”

ME: “The Giants are going to win this. Unbelievable. This is the best Super Bowl game I’ve ever seen.”

ANYA: “Seriously babe! One of the best Super Bowls, though I must say mostly because I got to share it with you.”

When I read this text, I could honestly say for the first time in my life, my heart truly melted, and I felt extremely blessed to have a woman in my life who would watch the Super Bowl with me and actually be into the game as much as I was. Super Bowl Forty Two was eventually won by the Giants 21-17. They had pulled off an improbable upset against one of the greatest teams in NFL history. It was the greatest championship game I had ever watched in any sport even to this day, but well beyond that, its spectacular finish was second to sharing it with Anya. I probably would have never watched it if she didn’t text me about it and I would have missed every unexpected lead change and every miraculous catch. Although she wasn’t tangibly there, she was with me the entire time, and that was a special feeling, one that breathed in both of us that with love anything was possible.

“Did Anya enjoy the game?” my mother asked me.

“She did.” I said. “Sorry I got a little wrapped up with her. Did you enjoy it?”

“Yeah, but I’m tired and my side hurts.” she said as she began to clean up around the living room.

“What’s wrong with your side?” I asked as I walked over to help her. “I got it Mom. Go lie down.”

“Thanks Honey.” she said as she stood up gingerly and sighed. “Oh it’s nothing. I just pulled a muscle cleaning the other day. It happens.”

My mother was dressed in a dark green robe she usually wore around the house. As I looked at her it was hard not to notice how her appearance had changed over the last five years, and I could see how losing a breast, had affected her mentally. The half sunken part of her clothing at her chest area was normal to me, and I never thought about how it made her feel because it never seemed to bother her, but seeing my mom’s appearance change made me realize how much it affected her even though she would never admit it. I wouldn’t say she gave up, she always kept herself up, always getting her nails and hair done, but I will say she cared less. I didn’t know the toll it took on her; I just noticed the toll it took. To lose a part of herself which made a woman a woman had to be difficult on her and it sure put my heartbreaks of the past into proper perspective.

As she walked back to her room, I began to take the remaining party favors down and then walked outside to throw them away in the trash bin. I then got lost looking at earth’s lone satellite clad in orange, and it made me happy to know someone I loved could see the same beauty above me. Since happiness and contentment were such alien feelings to me, I reveled in them under the lunar spectacle for a few minutes before I went back inside the house. When I returned I found my mother vacuuming the living room. After I insisted to let me vacuum for her she persisted in shooing me away. Even though I never understood it, my mom’s greatest joy in this life came when she cleaned the house and any assistance was often frowned upon. It was at that time I decided to go into her bedroom to grab my wallet and car keys to begin my journey back home, but I stopped dead in my tracks when I noticed a full bottle of pills on top of her dresser. The only pills I had ever taken at the time were over the counter and really only for the caffeine kick than for the pain relief, but I had tweaked my back slightly at the gym a few months earlier so her pills caught my curiosity. My mom had prescriptions for many drugs because of her cancer but nothing I ever considered taking, but I wanted something to help me recover quicker if I ever hurt my back again.

“Hey Mom!” I yelled.

“What?” she asked as she waddled gingerly into her room.

“What are these pills for?”

“It’s for my arthritis.”

“Arthritis?” I asked. “Mom you’re only sixty.”

“I’ve had bone cancer honey.” she said.

“Oh. I didn’t know you still needed to take pills for that.”

“Only once in a while. It’s not often.” she clarified. “I don’t really care for these pills, but I need them sometimes for the pain.”

“What are they?”

“Vicodin.”

“What’s Vicodin?” I asked.

“It’s a painkiller.”

“I pull my back out sometimes when I work out. Do you mind if I try one if it happens again? Would it hurt me?”

“Just one.” she said. “It won’t hurt you, but it’ll make you a little loopy so don’t drive.”

“Okay. Thanks.”

As I stuffed it in my pocket, I doubted I would ever take it, and I really only hurt my back weightlifting once in a blue moon, but I figured I would try it to see if it would help the next time I did.

Anya had a pretty busy schedule over the next few days. Her daughter was competing in a ballet competition from Friday to Sunday as she was one of the moms who helped out the girls backstage with the outfit changes. Notwithstanding her heavy workload during the week preparing meeting presentations as well for work, I prepared myself for the wait to see her again which was fine because my schedule was full as well due to my CPA firm’s busy season. During this time apart however Anya shared with me her daily details, such as her mom being upset with her because she ran the half marathon in the rain despite Anya informing her that there were thousands of other crazies that joined her that day. Anya’s mom seemed a lot like my own mother; very sweet and overprotective. She also shared with me that she had to play catch with her son after he got home from school because he needed to practice for his baseball team this season. She then told me her son had told her she couldn’t handle his “heat” but she hung in there anyway. It brought me back to the time I played baseball in my youth and how my dad would play catch with me and hit me fly balls after school when he got home from work. They were fond times for me growing up, and my Dad and I certainly have had our moments, but he was always there. My father was a tugboat operator for the same company that owned the Chicago Cubs, Wrigley. He worked no less than ten hour shifts at a time and he really didn’t have the flexibility to make his own schedule yet he still found the time for me no matter how tired he was at the end of the day or what he had to do afterwards. Even though I did reserve my judgments about this for later, I had to say it irked me that Anya’s husband, Andrew’s father, wasn’t the one playing catch with Andrew after school. Even though he was extremely busy with his own business, and I’m sure there were times he couldn’t be there, he still had the flexibility to make his own schedule, something my father was not able to do. In my hearts of hearts, I believed he wasn’t there for his son as much as he should be, and it allowed me to dream. To dream of playing catch and hitting fly balls to Andrew one day, and though I’d only be a stepfather, I dreamt of being as close to a father to him as I could without overstepping my bounds. It broke my heart to know Anya filled a void I believe shouldn’t have existed. It was hard enough being a mother but for her to be a father too just broke my heart.

I had a hard time during the week forgetting about the greatness of Saturday afternoon. I missed seeing her on my bed smiling at me with her beautiful hair sprawled out across my pillow. I missed her touch. I missed her scent. I missed her laugh. I just missed everything about her. In fact, I missed her so much I searched for traces of her hair in my room but could not find any. Our connection with each other was on a level best explained by the Universe itself as it seemed the minute I ached to hear from her, she would somehow find a way to satisfy my longing.

4:44 p.m.

“Hope you’re having a nice day. Just thinking of you.”

ME: “I was just thinking of you too! How’s your day going?”

ANYA: “Not too bad, surprisingly!”

ME: “I was just thinking about Saturday afternoon. Miss you.”

ANYA: “Miss you too. I’ve been thinking about Saturday as well. I just wonder when…”

Her text about “when” caught me by surprise. I didn’t know how to respond but it seemed like she was apprehensive, as if she didn’t trust my feelings for her. It was at this time I knew I would have to step up the display of my feelings for her. I wanted to tell her I was just on my hands and knees searching for a strand of her hair but I didn’t want her to think I was a possible long lost relative of Charles Manson. The problem was I had so many feelings for her and it had only been a little over two months, but in the same breath it was undeniable so why hold back? I felt I was being selfish by doing so, and Anya needed to know my feelings; she needed to feel secure in my love for her. Since I put myself in this position it was apparent I needed to step up or step out. As much as I believed in love, the one thing I didn’t love was myself. Sure, Anya’s love for me made me feel loved but the truth was I had spent too much time thinking negatively of myself, and trying to better myself so I could love who I was that it crippled me. I knew very little about loving other people but I knew I was better at that than loving myself. All I knew about love was through observation, movies, books, songs and instincts, and even though Anya made it possible, a man who did not love himself had to find a way to love someone else to truly know what love was. For me to lay it all out there, and to bare all which I believed took more courage than skydiving, was a huge leap of faith for me but she was worth the self-sacrifice. Love was simply derived from acts of selflessness and I had to show her, unlike her husband did, that this was not about me, but about we. At the same time I had to recognize Anya was immensely attractive and I was certain sex was mainly what all other guys probably wanted from her. All I truly wanted was her heart and I believed “when” would naturally follow, and hopefully it would be the best she ever experienced. The bottom line was she needed to know how much she meant to me.

ME: “No pressure Sweetheart. “When” will happen when it’s supposed to. Can I see you next week?”

ANYA: “Yes babe. Next week for sure. I’ll get back to you about the day. Are you still at work?”

ME: “Sounds great! No babe. I’m home. On my hands and knees cleaning.”

ANYA: “Wish I was at “home” with you. Have a goodnight baby. I love you.”

ME: “I wish you here too. Have a good night Sweetheart. I love you.”

Later that week, she text me to make plans to meet on the afternoon of Wednesday, February thirteenth. Even after a twelve hour workday, I spent the entire week journaling until midnight each night to capture all my thoughts and feelings for her. I just needed to make sure she understood all my feelings, and that they were real and sincere. As I recorded them in my journal, I ached to text them to her before the thirteenth, but I knew it was better to tell her face to face so she could look in my eyes and know I meant every word I said. She needed to know this relationship wasn’t about sex at all. I truly and wholly loved her, and that I was willing to put my fragility and vulnerability aside so she would feel a true sense of safety.

I decided to let work know I would be in late on that Wednesday afternoon. I had a ton of accrued paid personal days I never used nor had a reason to before I met Anya so I decided to utilize them for the first time in the seven years I had been with the firm. In the morning though, I went to the gym but something funny happened on my way to a great day…I ended up pulling out my back. I had tweaked my back a total of only three times in my life up to this point, however each time held a story all its own. The first time a few years ago, it started to tighten up on me so badly, the pain forced me to the ground, but unfortunately I was outside when it happened and had to lie down face first into a patch of hard dirt where for ten minutes I waited for the intense pain to subside. The second time a year ago I was hunched over so badly from the tightness that a much older gentleman, at least forty years my senior, carefully walked over to ask me if I was okay. When I was finally able to look up at him and notice his perfect posture, I gave him a “thumbs up” sign and thanked him. My back would usually feel better a week later and I was always able to resume weightlifting but those first few days were rough. Now that Anya was coming by, the last thing I wanted her to do was see me like this and think her life would be spent pushing me around in a wheelchair.

I usually tidied up my place and made it smell pleasant before she arrived but the pain prevented me from doing as much as I normally did. I knew I had to somehow figure a way to hide it from her as I noticed my back usually stiffened up on me whenever I sat down, so I decided to lie face down on my bed instead with an ice pack on my back until she arrived. When I received my “here” text from her, I took the now warm ice pack off my back and even though the pain was still there I could at least walk upright. I stretched out my back slightly as I leaned up against the doorway of my room for a few seconds before I began my tender stroll down to meet her at the gate.

After what felt like an hour of time had elapsed, I finally reached the gate, and when I was greeted by her warm smile, the pain in my back and the fatigue I felt from the late nights spent journalizing my feelings seemed to all fade away. Whenever Anya smiled, she had a healthy glow that gleamed from her cheek bones. Although she was beautiful whether she smiled or not, there was a godliness to her beauty whenever she smiled at me, or maybe it was just the way it made me feel about myself knowing I was the reason why she smiled that made it seem heavenly. She arrived to my place as beautiful as I had ever seen her, dressed in a light purple sundress that exposed her tan shoulders and legs. I stood there mesmerized by how gorgeous she looked and I let it be known after I thanked her for visiting me. She then grabbed my hand in hers as she usually did which always increased my heart rate. As we walked hand in hand back to my apartment there was an unrivaled anticipation from her previous visits that followed us.

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Everything was going fantastically until I took the very first step up the stairs to my apartment as my back began to tighten and I let out an audible groan.

“What’s wrong babe?” she asked.

“Oh, nothing Sweetheart. I’m fine.” I said before grunting upon my attempt up the second stair.

“No, something is hurting you.” she said as she placed her hand gently on my face. “What is it?”

“I’m fine.” I said as I bowed my head downwards in an attempt to hide my grimace.

“Are you sure?”

“I’m sure.” I said in a near death metal singer tone, but as I took the third step the pain intrusively shot up my back as it felt aflame. “Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah.”

“Is it your back babe?” she asked as she started to lightly touch my lower back. “What happened?”

“I pulled it working out this morning. It happens once in a while but not like this. I’m okay. Just give me a second. I’m sorry Sweetheart.” I said as I looked up at her as if I was Quasimodo.

“Nothing to be sorry about babe. I’m here for you.” she said. “Take your time. Don’t stress out.”

“Whew. Just give me a few seconds.” I said as the burning sensation began to mercifully dissipate. “Okay. Let’s try this again.”

Relieved that the pain began to subside, I straightened myself up for my next attempt up the stairs. I then took another step gingerly and after the twelfth step I was finally at the door of my apartment. As I let us both in and after she put her purse on my kitchen counter top she grabbed my hand and led me to my bedroom where I laid down face first on my bed as my back again began to burn. Anya then gingerly and carefully perched herself on the back of my hamstrings and began to lightly touch and massage the lower middle part of my back.

“Right here babe?” she whispered.

“Right there.” I said as she found it.

“I’m so sorry you’re in pain.” she said.

“I’m sorry you drove all the way over here to have to see me like this.”

“I wish I could make it feel better.” she said as she lifted my shirt up slightly and kissed the lower part of my back.

I lay still for a few minutes longer while she carefully rubbed my lower back; consumed by the pain but more consumed by the love she showed me.

“Thank you Sweetheart. It’s starting to feel better now.” I said as the throbbing began to cease.

“What were you doing when you pulled it?”

“Squats.” I said. “It always happens when I do squats. I really should know better by now. I was pretty tired this morning and not really concentrating on my form.”

“That’s when you’re more likely to hurt yourself babe.”

“Not one of my better ideas.” I told her, smiling.

“Did you ever meet Flora?” she asked me as she continued to massage my back.

“I don’t think so. Who’s Flora?”

“Oh. I thought I introduced you to her at Paseo’s.”

“Oh? I don’t think I ever got the chance to meet her that night.”

“She’s another good friend of mine. She’s a Ya-Ya like Carolyn and Debbie. She lives just down the street from me” she explained. “It looks like she might be getting a divorce.”

“How come?”

“Her husband cheated on her again. It’s the second time.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.” I said as I also felt the need to explain myself . “I hope I don’t sound like an advocate for divorce to you because of our relationship. I think divorce is the last resort but at the same time I believe self-respect should be non-negotiable. It actually breaks my heart to hear these things. I’m only an advocate for love. You’ve taught me how important it is to be happy in life.”

“You’ve taught me that too babe.”

“What do you think she will do?”

“Well, I talked to her for a little bit. It brought back some memories for me. I cried with her.” she said. “I’m not sure. Her husband wants to talk.”

“How did she find out?”

“A friend told her.”

“Oh.”

As Anya massaged my back, I wondered how her friend’s decision would affect her own. I didn’t know whether this was good news for us or not, but at least she could learn something about the process; a process I knew very little of, but I knew now more than ever she needed to know I truly loved her.

“My back feels much better now. Come lay down next to me Sweetheart so I can look at you.” I said.

“Are you sure?”

“I feel so much better. Thank you.”

“Okay. My pleasure.” she said as she took her place on the left side of my bed.

As she lay on her side next to me with her hands clasped near her face I could see the love in her eyes a love certain enough not to be said, and great enough to be felt. I had so many things I wanted her to know, but I had never put myself on the line before with my feelings, always afraid they may scare someone away, but the look in her eyes told me that it was the right thing to do. Before I could say a word though, she had something she wanted to tell me.

“I’m glad you’re in my life. I’m very thankful.” she said. “Our love is one I’ve never known before.”

“I’m grateful too. I’ve never known a love like this either.”

“Do you think if we were together…” she paused. “We would last forever?”

“Without a doubt.” I said without hesitation. “Unless you cheated on me then you could have my money. All the money in the world isn’t worth not being loved when I believed I was.”

“I’d never cheat on you.” she said.

“I’d never cheat on you too.”

“I’m afraid you would.” she sadly replied.

“Why would you think that? I would never cheat on you Sweetheart.”

“I don’t know. Karma?”

“I think karma would find you if you had initiated the cheating, but I think cheating on someone means you are unfaithful when the other party is acting faithfully.” I stated. “I don’t believe you’re cheating, you’re not in love with your husband because of his infidelities. You have never hid that from him, so much so you never kiss him nor tell him you love him when he says it to you. You’re just not buying it from him and I don’t think that is karma worthy. I think it’s on him to make this right for you by letting you go. Now if your husband had been faithful and we’re doing this, then yeah to me that’s cheating, and I would fear karma, but I can tell you this without a doubt, I would never cheat on you. Ever. I would have to be the greatest scumbag, even worse than your husband, to cheat on you after all you’ve been through and after we had taken this chance together.”

“I love you very much Landyn.”

“I love you very much too. Your love is the greatest feeling I have ever known.” I said. “But as much as I would have hated to go through the rest of my life without knowing your love, I would of in a heartbeat if it meant you were never betrayed by your husband. I really wished that had never happened to you. I really wished he would have stayed faithful and you were happy in this life. I would give up this feeling in a heartbeat if I could have changed that for you.”

“I love your sweet words and thoughts.”

“It’s just how I feel.” I said as I looked into her beautiful brown eyes. “I’ve never felt so strongly about anyone or anything before. I love you to pieces. Every little piece that makes you up I’m in love with. The only thing I would change about you is the situation. In my eyes, you are the perfect woman. Your love has opened my heart and eyes to things and feelings I never knew existed or I was capable of ever experiencing. I understand why things are said the way they are said now. I understand why people sing songs of love and how they’re able to find the right words to touch people. You make me feel like I’m part of the human race, and that’s big because I never truly have. You know, I don’t like to text you throughout the day because I know I’m a distraction to you but your texts really make my day. They motivate me and they help me work harder knowing if I do, I can bring you the happiness in your life you deserve. Just hearing from you gets me through my day because you’re on my mind throughout it. I love you with all my heart and if I was offered all the money in the world in exchange for your love, I would choose your love.”

”I think I just feel deeper.” she whispered. “I love you with all my heart too. You’re remarkable to me. How your love is not based on any agendas; it’s just a natural love. I think it’s true love.”

As I watched her look at my lips and then back weakly into my eyes my lips gently met hers.

“I think it is too.” I said. “No doubt.”

“The more I get to know you the harder it gets at home.” she revealed. “Sometimes I feel like I’m keeping you from experiencing the greatest love of all.”

“What could be greater than this love?” I asked.

“The love of having a child.” she explained.

“Before I knew you I would’ve agreed with you.” I said. “Now, I think at my age and knowing this love. I think having kids is overrated.”

“Ha! I have to agree it’s overrated.” she said. “But I still think you should experience it.”

“If I can’t have a child with you. It’s not worth the experience to me.”

All I ever told Anya was the truth. It was from my heart. I meant it. I loved kids, and if falling in love had happened earlier in my life, this would all sound crazy to me, but it never did and after meeting Anya I was more than okay with never having a child. It’s a hard world out there and in this day and age, it almost means to have a child is to have a huge ego as well. At this point in my life, after all I had ever grown to learn especially knowing they would have at least half my brain, I felt it would do them more harm than good. If I couldn’t shield them completely from the pain this world brought upon us all, then it was best to keep them safely unborn.

“I can see you with a cute younger girl.” she said.

I knew fear. I knew self-doubt. I knew heartbreak. I knew Anya was having one of those scary moments and I recognized it immediately.

“Young girls have no idea what love is.” I shot. “I’m not saying I prefer older women, but I do prefer mature women, and cute young girls are mostly immature. Looks don’t last forever anyway. I’m only drawn to you. You’re the only woman I’ve ever known who understands what love is.”

“Why do you believe that I’m the only one who understands what love is?”

“Because of the way it was taken from you.” I said. “You know what it means, and what it should stand for. How fragile and precious it is, and I respect you greatly for that. When you meet someone like you, who has been through all you have, that’s something you hold on to. Your belief in what love should stand for is one of the reasons why I love you so much.”

“I feel really bad that you’re so loyal to me and I think that’s really hard on you babe. I feel like we’re not really together because we don’t see each other as often as we want. I don’t know how you manage it.”

“How I manage it?” I laughed.

“Yes babe.”

“Do you know how I manage it?”

“How?”

“Special moments like this; you and I whispering to each other when we both know there’s no one else around. That’s what makes it easy. That’s what makes it worth the wait.”

“I just worry about you.” she said. “My husband loved me and that didn’t stop him from cheating on me.”

I wondered where Anya was going with this, but her fear and mistrust had shone through brightly enough for me to finally get it. A fear that was perfectly normal for her to feel, and I’m glad she did because truly, how did a man in her life remain faithful when she wasn’t technically with him? The man she married wasn’t even faithful to her so what would be my incentive to be? Sure, there was a lot of love between us but the bottom line was she was not used to being truly loved by another man. I knew my work was cut out for me, but I took this as an opportunity to love her more.

“Sweetheart, you need to know this because it’s the truth. Your husband’s infidelities had nothing to do with your inability to be loved but more about his inability to know how to love someone other than himself.” I said as I touched her face lightly with my hand. “I don’t think your husband knew what love was nor did he have any respect for it. There’s a great humility that goes into loving someone that he lacks. I feel I am what he could never be. My being loyal to you is natural. In fact, I don’t see anyone else but you, even when you’re not with me. No woman can honestly compare to you in my eyes. It’s hard to explain it because it just is. It’s like the universe, like the stars and planets align, it just is. So just like the planets and stars, my faithfulness, loyalty, and respect for you are all in perfect alignment as well. My love for you just is Anya, and it doesn’t wander lost like your husband’s did. I believe the only love your husband knew was a love for himself because if he had truly known a love for you, he would’ve never cheated, and jeopardize losing you. I’m not saying he shouldn’t love himself but that love falls into the shadows when you truly love someone, especially the one you loved strongly enough to ask for their hand in marriage. It’s tragic you don’t know how great you are in my eyes. I believe if you did you would understand why I am so loyal even when I can’t see or touch you.”

“You know what I love about you babe?”

“No. Enlighten me. Please.” I smiled.

“I really love the way you listen to me.” she said. “You hear me even when I don’t tell you what I’m feeling directly, and you remember everything I do tell you. That’s how I know you really listen. I just love your thought process. You’re very careful with your words. You not only listen to me with your ears but with your heart too.”

“It’s easy to listen to and remember things about people you love.” I said. “I really enjoy listening to you. You always have something important to say and it gives me an opportunity to know you better. I love your voice. It’s different. It’s not too high, not too low. Your pitch is perfect. Your voice soothes and comforts me.”

As she moved closer to me, and I felt our feet touched she kissed me and smiled.

“Isn’t it crazy how it seems we’re always in tune with each other?” I said.

“Isn’t it? It seems like we’re always in sync babe. Like we’re thinking about the same things.” she said. “Can I tell you something I’ve been holding on to?”

“Please.” I replied, apprehensively.

“When I think of you which is every minute of the day the first thing I see are your eyes.” she revealed. “They’re beautiful.”

I was really thrown off by her revelation. I didn’t realize she thought my eyes were beautiful. No one had ever described them as such and for it to come from someone I never loved more sent a tremor through me.

“I don’t know what to say. Thank you. I’m happy you think so.”

“What color are they babe? They are blue sometimes then green at other times.”

“I think they’re hazel.” I replied, unsure of myself as I never paid attention to their color until now.

“They’re gorgeous.”

“No one has ever said my eyes were beautiful before.” I admitted. “Maybe my mother did but whoever puts any weight on that?”

As Anya laughed at my comment, I continued to go into depth on how I felt about her.

“There are so many things I love about you. Things you don’t realize.”

“Things I don’t realize? Like what?” She inquired with widening eyes.

“The way you love is something I’ve never experienced before. I listen to love songs now and you’re in every one of them. By just the way you look at me, the way you’re looking at me now I could not only feel your love but how deeply you care about what I have to say.”

“I cling onto every word.”

“I know you do. You don’t have to say it, but all these things I say to you; all these feelings I have are so real and so easy to communicate simply because of the love in your eyes. And your eyes…my God…there’s such a soft warmth to them. It’s what drew me to you the first night I met you…the sincerity in your eyes, and I’m honored to be in them and to be the one who feels that warmth. They tell me your love will never grow cold.”

“I love you.” she said softly.

“I know you do.”

“And?” she whispered as she smiled. “Are you going anywhere else with this I hope?”

“Eventually.” I joked. “What I meant by all this was I don’t think you realize how well you love people. You just have a way of loving someone. It’s just something you know how to do. You just know how to love people, effortlessly and seamlessly. The only way I could best describe it is the last time you were here. Do you remember when you paused at the gate and turned around before you left?”

“You saw that?”

“I did.” I confessed.

“I didn’t want to leave.”

“The thing was you didn’t know I was watching you yet you were telling me that without knowing. It’s like you were loving me even when I wasn’t there. You just have a way of touching people without being next to them, and I’ve never heard of a love truer than that, but that’s the kind of love everyone should hold out for.”

“You’re the most insightful, most thoughtful, most sensitive man I know.” she said as I got lost in her eyes again. “These are my feelings about love. Love is selfless, patient, understanding, honest, protective, comforting, giving and forgiving. You have shown me nothing but love, Landyn.”

I pulled her body closer to me, kissed her gently then held her in my arms.

“I truly love you so it’s easy. In fact it’s too easy to take any credit for. I know what you’ve been through in this loveless world because I’ve been through it too. I want you to know you’re deeply loved. You deserve that. I’m just happy it’s me.”

“I’m happy we found each other. I’m a lucky girl.” she said. “You make me feel so safe in your arms.”

“I would protect you against all costs babe if you needed me to.”

“I don’t just mean from physical harm.” she added. “I feel like you would never intentionally hurt me. My heart will never break if I let you in.”

“I would never intentionally hurt anyone especially someone I love. Your heart is safe with me.” I said. “That I promise you.”

“I hope you know you’re such a special guy. You’re so thoughtful. You truly care about what I do. You always follow up with questions regarding what is going on with me at the moment.” she whispered. “Just so you know you’re the only man I say “I love you” to and the only man I kiss passionately.”

“Thank you.” I said. “I truly care about you.”

“I know you do. You’re by far the sweetest and most romantic guy I’ve ever met. Life with you would be like a dream.”

“Life with you would be a dream come true.” I whispered.

“It’s my dream to be with you one day.” she said. “You know my husband and I had never sought marriage counseling and I don’t desire to. Even before I met you. Again, you’re not the reason I feel nothing for my husband.”

“I know Love.” I said.

“Do these feelings scare you at all?” she asked.

“You bring out feelings in me I didn’t even know I was capable of feeling.” I paused. “They keep on growing, and that’s never been a good thing for me. That’s the only thing that scares me. I know they’re only going to grow. Do they scare you?”

“Your feelings don’t scare me. I feel the same way you do.” she said. “But they scare me in a different way.”

“How so?”

“There’s no doubt about you. I believe you’re the real deal.” she said. “My biggest fear is breaking my kids’ hearts. I don’t feel ambivalent about my marriage at all.”

“I understand.” I said with a smile. “but I can’t believe you don’t feel ambivalent to your marriage Sweetheart.”

“I’m not?”

“With all due respect beautiful, isn’t this moment right now all the evidence in the world for your ambivalence?”

“Ha! In that sense…yes.” she smiled. “You know what I mean though don’t you?”

“Totally.”

I did get it. She was in a tough spot. Her heart. The hearts of her kids. They were not on the same page no matter how special of a guy I was. “Kids are resilient though, nothing was impossible, and she hurts every day because she missed me so much” is what I believed in. I possessed a “Where there’s a will there’s a way” mentality and over time I felt I would show her although her fears were real to have, they were just that. How, in love, things had a way of working out for the best, and I truly believed her kids would eventually not only see, but also know their real mother through me, and I think one day they would understand. I know it would take some time and again, although a lot had been felt and shared, time only claimed two months of us and the time was not now for her to leave because I wanted her to come into the best possible situation. I understood her completely though she may have felt I didn’t because I’ve never had children of my own.

“Do you feel I have the power to break your heart?” I asked, nervously.

She looked at me with suddenly wetted soft brown eyes.

“Yes.” she whispered. “You have the power to break my heart.”

No question she had the power to break mine. After that exchange we kissed and held each other on my bed. When the intensity began to peak I slowed down a bit and we’d laugh it off as it was good to know she understood it had nothing to do with her. I cursed Denise in my mind though every time our bare legs would touch as I tried to avoid contact with the bone on my leg with hers. Even though I knew it would probably be a non-issue with Anya at the same time I was afraid it may turn her off and I enjoyed the intense moments we had even though they were tempered off. When she informed me she had to go I told her okay, but when she tried to get out of my bed, with the arm I had under her, I pulled her back towards me and brought her lips to mine as the sound of her laughter warmed my heart.

“Sorry about that.” I said after I kissed her. “My arm has a mind of its own. He didn’t seem to like the idea of you leaving very much.”

“Ha! Tell him I’m sorry, would you?”

“Will do.”

After a couple of extra minutes with her, I eventually let her escape my embrace so she could get dressed. As she checked herself out in my mirror, I straightened out my posture against my room's doorway before I walked her out. As we held hands on the way down, I tried to keep pace with my sore back so she wouldn’t be late returning home. With another memorable day in the books for me, the minute she left the high I felt was only tempered off by her departure which left me with that all too familiar bittersweet feeling. I always made it a point to send her a text to see if she made it home okay and after she ensured me she did I was able to fall asleep for a little bit as the pain in my back began to reemerge, and it was then that I called into work to tell them I would not be in for the rest of that afternoon.

The next day was a day I had never placed much value on before in my life; Valentine’s Day. I had never had a reason to and secondly because I felt that everyday should be Valentine’s Day when you’re in love, and not just a day out of the year to remember you’re in love with someone. I appreciated love and I felt it should be celebrated every day so I just felt the day was

Disingenuous, but with Anya in my life now, the day had a new meaning to me and I guess it had meaning to her as well.

7:08 a.m.

“Happy Valentine’s my love! Sending you lots of love!!! I hope your back is feeling okay.”

ME: “Happy Valentine’s Day Beautiful! Sending you lots of love too!!! It’s feeling a little better. Thank you.”

After a few hours had passed, after I had struggled mightily and as quietly as possible to make it inside my office in an effort to not be noticed because I was completely hunched over as if I was in search of the nearest bell tower, Anya text me again.

10:52 a.m.

“Hope you’re having a nice morning. Sad I can’t see you for V day. Xoxo.”

ME: “I’m sad too but at least we were together yesterday. I think about yesterday and I’m not so sad. I just wish I could send you flowers. Xoxo.”

ANYA: “I wish I could receive flowers from you. Everyday is like V day for me though because I’m in love with you. I fantasize about putting on that cocktail dress and going out on a romantic dinner with you. Miss you.”

ME: “It’s the same for me too. I would love to take you out on a romantic dinner so I could see how beautiful you look in your cocktail dress. I’d be one lucky man. Miss you too.”

ANYA: “Maybe someday…”

It was nice to hear from her on Valentine’s Day throughout the morning. It was a day for people who were in love, a day that now had significance to me. As the day began to wind down, my back stiffened up due to sitting all day which forced me to tell the receptionist I was going to head home early. On my way out of the office I saw Clyde, and when he noticed my posture he scolded me for coming in. The one thing I loved about my firm was how I was treated by the partners as Clyde treated me as if I was a member of his own family. It was something you don’t see that much anymore in the workplace, and it made me work harder for the firm because of it. Clyde also was aware I rarely took time off so I knew he understood this was a good time as any to take it.

When I got home, after I struggled up the stairs again, I fell face down on my bed to try and ease the soreness in my back. I believed if I rested it for the night I would be much better in the morning. It was nearly six when I received a text from Anya that stung more than my back ever could.

5:44 p.m.

“Hi! Have to say an early goodnight. I won’t be able to text you later, dinner. Just so you know, my heart is with you. I love you.”

Upon the receipt of her text my stomach felt like a category five storm, and I became suddenly nauseous. Her dinner date caught me by surprise, but I had to text her back something though so she would not suspect I was caught off guard. The last thing I wanted to do was ruin her evening.

ME: "Have a nice dinner. Love you too.”

After I received her text, the pain in my back was at a crescendo, and I cringed when I made a sudden move my back wasn’t expecting, but the pain in my heart and mind caused me more distress than my sore back ever could as I felt catastrophically helpless and envious. After all that we shared yesterday she went on a romantic Valentine’s Day dinner with her husband? Was I being too sensitive about this? Was I jumping to false conclusions? Was I hurt by this for no reason? She told me how much she loved me yesterday; surely I could overlook this and not be hurt by it? The truth was I was hurt and burdened greatly by this dinner with someone she told me she didn’t love. The more thoughts that singed my mind, the more my back began to hurt because I couldn’t lie still. A little over an hour passed before she text me again.

6:51 p.m.

“I love you.”

That was when I knew I had to reach for something; the Vicodin my mother had given me for my back pain. After I swallowed it with the hope it would relieve my soreness, it also unexpectedly altered my reality, and I text her back.

ME: “I love you too.”