The world as we have created it is a process of our thinking. It cannot be changed without changing our thinking.”
~ Albert Einstein
On the morning of our meeting, Anya text me to ask if we could meet for tea or coffee at The Good Morning Café instead of having a glass of wine at a crowded bar area. I couldn’t agree fast enough as we made plans to meet at the cafe then retreat to the semi-secluded bench area we found the last time we were there. It was just before dusk when I arrived ten minutes early strictly due to the heightened anticipation of seeing her again.
Because I was early, I text her to see what she wanted to drink to save her a trip inside, and so we could spend more time together rather than be caught standing in line at a public place. Not to mention, if Crazy Dave was there, she would be spared the details of his past marital adventures. After I received her order and retrieved our drinks without a Crazy Dave sighting, I walked to our bench and sat down to wait for her. Not a minute later and right on time, she appeared and sat down next to me. I always found it remarkable how every time I saw Anya, it felt like the first time I saw her as the excitement of being next to her just never got old. I wanted to kiss and hug her, but fought the urge because we were outside and I feared it would make her feel uncomfortable. As she sat down next to me and I handed her drink to her, I noticed there was a hint of apprehension in her face, and I began to fear something unnerving hung for dear life on her lips.
“Oh, babe.” she said, sadly. “I’ve missed you so much. Thanks for meeting me here. Thank you for my drink.”
“I’ve missed you too. Thanks for finding a way to make this happen.” I told her, lightly patting her leg.
“I went out to dinner with my husband last night.” she exclaimed, shocking me.
“Oh.” I responded, nervousness stirring in my gut. “Was it a spur of the moment thing?”
“Yes. He wanted to talk about things between us.”
“I see. What did he have to say?” I asked with great trepidation, my mind starting to race.
“First, he asked me again, where I saw myself in five years from now. I told him I didn’t know.” she revealed, her eyes focused on mine. “I then told him I’m only here because of the kids, but he didn’t believe me.”
“He didn’t believe you?” I asked, surprised.
“He then informs me I would never leave him because I’m too high maintenance.” she stated. “I told him all the trips don’t matter to me. That he’s hurt me one too many times.”
“Good.” I perked.
“He then laid it on pretty heavily.” she continued. “He then tells me that he would lose an arm if he could change the things he did, and that he would fight for me if I ever try to leave him. I asked him why he would.”
“What did he say?”
“He just said. “I’m going to fight for you.”" she informed me. “I will fight for you. You belong to me. I love you.”
She told me she never responded to his “I love you”’s, and now I knew the reason why as he appeared to be quite the consummate showman. I didn’t know what to say, so I decided not to say anything. I felt secure in her love for me, and that his words were something he couldn’t sell her on for I knew his love didn’t exist in what he had, but only in what he could lose. The timing of his conversation unnerved me for these were words that should have been spoken years ago; twelve years before me to be exact. The timing alone suggested not only a ploy to tug at her heart strings, but that he was also still suspicious, and it warmed my heart not because I wanted him to find out, but only because it made me feel good to know she was genuine enough to be unable to hide her feelings for me; that in some way he noticed a change in her, so noticeable that now many years after the fact, he was on his knees. The timing alone suggested to me that his reconciliatory tone was wholly insincere, contrived, and was narcissism disguised as an undying love for her, when it was truly an unfettered love for his money, for his reputation and for himself. I felt I didn’t have to tell Anya my views on his words because there was a reason she never said “I love you” back to him, and this was it. He was her husband in the eyes of society, in the eyes of our government, in the eyes of the world, but he was not her husband in the heart of God, and I bet my heart and soul on that. As much as I wasn’t sure of His existence, I knew that much.
More than ever, I could see how he didn’t care for his wife’s happiness. I was certain he cared about his children though, and I even tried to argue that he was trying to save his family but the words “you belong to me” told me he was not fighting for them, and if that was his intention, he would have never cheated on their mother in the first place. However, as much as I respected him as a father, my displeasure with him only existed because he was an emotionally abusive husband, something he had kept well hidden until now. He didn’t have to raise a hand to his wife because he used the worst thing imaginable against her; his mind, and he assaulted her with it by the words he used as he had done for many years. He wasn’t going to fight for her; he was going to fight for his money, his business, his ego, and he was going to use the kids likea nuclear bomb to prey on her greatest fear of them being taken from her. If he truly loved her, being fully aware of her pain and her struggle, knowing full well he was entirely responsible, and with the knowledge she would be happier without him through his suspicions that clearly existed, he would find it in his heart to let her go. The fact he would fight for her instead of making things right for her told me he did not love her, but rather himself, a phoniness made transparent by his unrealistic and cheap offer to lose an arm to right his wrongs.
“What do you believe your kids think about your marriage? Do they think something may not be right at home?”
“I don’t know babe.” she said.
“Why do the kids think you’re unloving?”
“Because I don’t show him any affection.”
“I think kids need to at least know their parents are affectionate towards each other and it’s not one sided because they will believe that kind of love is acceptable in a marriage.” I said. “At this point I think his goal is to make you look bad instead of being a man and doing the right thing. I could understand him fighting for you if he had been faithful, heck he wouldn’t have to fight because I wouldn’t be here and if I was, I would allow him to win, but his words are not sincere at all or heartfelt. To me this is lip service because the timing of it is really late in the game.”
“Thanks babe. I agree…I don’t know what he’d be fighting for.”
“I have a pretty good idea, but I think in your heart of hearts, you know. We’ll just have to see how it plays out. If it ever does.”
“I worry about you so much it hurts.”
“Worry about me? Why?”
“I feel I bring you pain.”
“I do feel pain at times, but it’s not unwillingly. You bring me a lot of happiness and it always takes the pain away.” I said. “It’s just the nature of our relationship. I think about how much you love me and everything you’ve told me and I’m fine babe. Nothing to worry about.”
“My girlfriends think you’re the sweetest guy. I totally agree.”
“Who? Debbie and Carolyn?”
“They adore you. We talk and they know I’m in love with you.” she said. “We have a mud run coming up and I just hope I don’t hurt my ankle again. It’s pretty sore.”
When Anya told me this, I truly didn’t know what to think. I really liked Carolyn and Debbie too. It felt good to know they thought so highly of me, but at the same time they weren’t aware of Anya’s husband’s infidelities so that concerned me, and the only way I could reason they adored me was maybe they knew something else I didn’t know about her husband that was even worse or just as bad.
“I adore them too. Mud run, huh? Sounds like fun." I said, extremely touched to know they liked me as much as I liked them. "How many times have you hurt your ankle? Is it bothering you?”
“We do it every year. Shooting pain comes and goes but not bad. The last ankle injury I had was my fourth, so the pain is to be expected. Working on strengthening it.”
“I hope it feels better. Do you have any plans this weekend?”
“Business dinner tomorrow night.”
“With him?” I asked.
“Yes.”
Sometimes she went on business dinners alone but I had to admit, now that I was in love with her the dinners began to hurt a little bit just because I imagined her looking very beautiful in her cocktail dresses as I was certain she turned heads whenever she went out. It just saddened me that the man who loved her the most in this world saw her less than others did. I was also certain there could be conversations that would never grace my ears and that’s what made it tougher on me now, but again it was about the bigger picture; the fight within. I guess in my silence, she could tell the business dinner consumed my thoughts as she then leaned in to kiss me unexpectedly, and her taste helped create a train of positive consciousness.
“Sometimes when I’m at home, I find myself licking my lips when I think about your kiss.” she revealed.
“I’ve definitely never kissed anyone as much as I’ve kissed you, and the craziest thing is I never want it to end." I told her. "Even though it satisfies me, it’s just something I can’t get enough of.”
“I feel the same way! It always feels like the first time we’ve kissed.” she said. “What are your plans this weekend babe?”
“I’ll probably head to the beach. I haven’t been rollerblading in a while.”
“Take me with you!”
“How I wish!” I laughed. “That would be so much fun.”
“You probably wouldn’t want to be seen with me, though.” She told me, her eyes shifting to the ground.
“Now that’s the craziest thing you’re ever said. Why wouldn’t I want to be seen with you?”
“Because I have pink roller skates.” She said, her soft dark eyes back into mine.
“Oh babe. I would love to be seen with you.” I stated. “AND your pink roller skates.”
She then leaned in and kissed me unexpectedly again.
“That’s another reason I love you.”
“Why is that?” I laughed. “All because I don’t mind being seen with you in your pink roller skates?”
“No, it’s just I expected you to tease me about them.” She answered, smiling. “I love that you accept me for who I am. You’re the best.”
“I don’t deserve a medal for that Sweetheart.” I retorted. “Because it’s the easiest thing to do.”
After another brief kiss, our time together came to a close. After we reached our cars that were parked next to one another, she quickly turned to me and stood still for about ten seconds before she spoke.
“I just want to be happy again.”
“That’s all I want for you. I think you deserve it and it’s possible. That’s why I’m here.”
“I love you.”
“I love you too.”
After we said our goodbyes, I sat alone in my car for ten minutes after she left unable to move. I then realized it was too hard to go home to my lonely apartment so I decided to visit my parents instead.
When I entered the house, to no surprise, my father wasn’t home but I could hear the television on in my mother’s room. When I opened the door, I found the lights were out and she was lying down face up on her bed with a large white ice bag on her head. My mom got migraines often however because of the lesions they found on her skull, I began to fear the worst when I saw her bedridden by it.
“Hey mom.” I said softly, walking up to her bed carefully then placing my hand on her head. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine Honey.” she groggily replied before sitting up from her bed and with a breaking smile forming upon her face. “I just have a headache that’s all. How are you? What are you doing here so late?”
“I’m fine, just needed to get out of the house for a little bit.” I told her. “Do you have a migraine?”
“I think so.”
“Did the doctor give you anything to take for it?”
“He did…but I don’t want to take it. It makes me woozy and sick to my stomach.”
“Did you tell him about it so he could prescribe you something different to help?”
“I don’t want to take anything anymore. I’m tired of taking pills.”
It killed me to hear her say that as I noticed several different sized prescription bottles on her nightstand.
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“But Mom, if they help you…”
“I’ll be fine. Nothing to worry about.”
“Where’s Dad?”
“Where do you think he is?”
“The park?”
As she nodded her head to confirm, all I could do was shake mine. I didn’t want to criticize my father. He had a lot on his plate, and my mom lived with Cancer so well that it felt like she never had it, but his absence at this moment bothered me. This was a time he had to be here for her as she needed him now more than ever. If I had not shown up, my mother would have been here alone in a darkened room in a great deal of discomfort. I don’t think my dad disappeared at times like this on purpose, and I’m sure he would have stayed if he had seen her this way, but the problem was my mom was known for not wanting to worry anyone. My father however needed to become more wary after they found lesions on her skull, cancerous or not. After I witnessed my mother in this state, it made me fearful for Anya as I wondered if her husband cheated on her when she was at her healthiest, where would he be if all the stress in her life caught up with her? It just broke my heart to imagine the love of my life in pain like my mother was, left by herself in a darkened room, with no one there for her. The more I believed this to be a glimpse into Anya’s future, the more I realized two showdowns loomed for me; the first between my father and I, and the second between me and Anya’s husband. Love just simply had to be there. Love could not disappear. I would not allow it and this was why I would fight back if he decided to fight her.
I stayed for nearly two hours next to my mother’s side as she slept her headache off. When I heard the back door slam which signified my father had just returned home, I quietly left my mother’s room as I took a deep breath to gather myself before I attempted to extricate these thoughts from my head. It wasn’t right for him not to be there, and he had to become skeptical of my mother’s happy faces now. My Dad had been retired for five years, and the park job was just something to keep him busy as he didn’t need the money. I also realized the park was a good thing for him as it kept him in touch with the outside world and made him feel like he was still useful, but my mother needed my father more than the park did.
“Hey Dad.” I said when I saw him.
“Hey.” he said tiredly as he hung up his keys on a vacant hook next to his blackboard located on the kitchen wall.
“Did you know mom’s not feeling well?” I asked.
“She told me she had a migraine.” he stated. “You know how she always gets those.”
“You know Dad, they found lesions on her skull. It may not just be a typical migraine.”
“How is she feeling now?” he asked.
“I don’t know.” I said. “She’s sleeping, but I think she may be feeling a little better.”
“Well that makes sense because the Doctor said there was no trace of Cancer.”
“Dad, I think you’re in denial of mom’s illness.” I said. “I think we both are.”
“Your mother is fine Landyn. I would know if she wasn’t.”
“She always puts on a happy face though because she doesn’t want to burden us. Her mother did the same thing remember? Then three months later…she was gone.” I said. “Do you really need the park job?”
“I enjoy working at the park. It gives my life some balance.” he said. “I have a lot going on with your grandfather across the street too you know. He’s ninety five now. He's a chore.”
“Just know mom needs you too Dad probably more than anybody.” I said. “Anyway, I have to go. Please keep an eye out for her. Have a goodnight. I have to go.”
“I will. Goodnight Son. Be careful.”
“Thanks.”
Before I exited, I stood by the back door and heard my father make his way to my mother’s room to check on her, but when I left the house his loud absence remained in my mind. My dad was a good man; he cared for people more than he cared for himself, but for some reason, he didn’t want to face the reality of my mother’s illness. We both didn’t want to face it, but the problem was he needed to face it; he was her husband. My Dad had five other siblings who he could have leaned on to help him out with my grandfather but that was another story altogether.
When I left the house, I decided to take a drive along the Palos Verdes Coast to clear my head. All I could think about was my mother in pain inside her room alone. This was just the first night I had witnessed it, but I was certain there were many other nights spent the same way, and it devastated me inside. In the middle of my drive I received an extremely surprising late night text from Anya, and the minute I heard my phone vibrate I found a side road and pulled over.
10:22 p.m.
“Hi babe! What r u up to?”
ME: “I just visited my parents. I’m now taking a drive along the coast of PV. Wish you were here next to me right now. It’s majestic the way the moon is shining on the water. Miss you.”
ANYA: “R u really? Sounds beautiful! Wish I was w/u too! What are you doing there? Don’t text me back if you are driving. Miss you too.”
ME: “I pulled over babe. I visited my mom tonight, and she wasn’t feeling well. It was the first time I’ve ever seen her like that. She’s had Cancer twice before, breast and bone, and she’s beaten that, but they found lesions on her skull just recently. Even though her cancer results were negative, her illness is now harder for me to ignore. She’s in obvious pain but she’s not taking her medication. It bummed me out.”
ANYA: “I’m so sorry babe. Why is she off her meds? R u ok? I’m sorry I can’t be there for you. It’s breaking my heart.”
ME: “She doesn’t want to take them. She feels like she needs them to live and she’s tired of it. I just hated to see her like that. I just felt so helpless. Anyway I’m okay. I’m just clearing my head. I would love to take you for a ride up here one day. Thanks for texting me. I love you.”
ANYA: “I love you baby! No matter what I’m always here for you. One day I would love to join u in PV. Maybe we can go up there the next time you take time off?”
ME: “I’m due for a vacation soon. I think I’ll ask to take one in a week or two so we can make that happen.”
ANYA: “Sounds good! I love you always!!!”
ME: “I love you always too. Goodnight.”
ANYA: “I hope ur ok baby. Goodnight.”
After I heard from Anya, I felt well enough to end my cruise along the PV coast and to head back home. The very next morning just before I started to get ready for work, Anya texted me.
7:02 a.m.
“Good morning! Thought about you all night. I still feel bad about your mom. I lost a friend 2 years ago and she used to put on a happy face for friends. I knew different.”
7:04 a.m.
“Hope you got some sleep. Today is a new day and it’s going to be a beautiful one. I love you baby.”
Her texts blew me away. Not that they were any different from others she had sent me, it’s just I’ve never had anyone care about me this way before. This was all foreign to me; the way she loved me, and I probably shouldn’t have been surprised anymore, but I still was.
ME: “Thank you for your kind words. Really blown away by them actually. Not used to someone caring about how I feel about anything. I slept okay. I love you with all my heart.”
ANYA: “You’re my best friend. When you’re sad, I’m sad. I feel what you feel. I love you with all my heart too!”
ME: “No question you’ve become my best friend. The only person who knows me better than you is me. I feel like we’re one person. I feel better. Just tough to walk in on that last night.”
ANYA: “Sorry, I was getting ready for Pilates and then a little run to prepare for the mud run the first weekend of May. Thank you for your sweet words. We really are one. I’m glad you’re feeling better. Some things in life are beyond our control and we just have to accept it.”
ME: “I always think I’m strong enough to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. I agree. I have to learn to accept some things as out of my control. Thanks again for the kind words. Love you always.”
ANYA: “I love you always too baby! Maybe you were right. We met to save each other!”
ME: “Ha! You remembered when I said that to you?”
ANYA: “I have selective memory! I choose to remember your words! The “thing” about the horizon and the sky being jealous is the most memorable. It came from your heart.”
ME: “What thing?”
ANYA: “You know…the “thing”.”
ME: “Oh that “thing” about you being so beautiful the sunset was jealous?”
ANYA: “Stop it. You’re making me blush over here!”
ME: “One day you’re going to have to get used to the fact you’re the most beautiful thing in my eyes.”
ANYA: “Ha! Stop it babe!”
ME: “That “thing” only came from the heart because it was true. Can I see you this week? Are you open at all?”
ANYA: “I thought you’d never ask! My first preference would be Friday. If Friday doesn’t work I can try on Wednesday, just have to work some stuff out with work.”
ME: “Either day will work babe. I love you.”
ANYA: “Perfect! I love you too! I hope you can meet me down south the first weekend in May. We’re staying at the Sea and Strand Hotel for a spa getaway in Laguna Beach. Have to play it cool though.”
I thought I had misread her text when I received it and had to do a double take. It brought me back to the time I wondered why she hadn’t looked at her schedule yet here she was, scheduling things for us without my cognizance, in an act of showing me and not just telling me, as once again she loved me without my knowledge of its receipt.
ME: “I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”
During this time Anya seemed to open her life up to me more than ever before as we both gave and took. It all truly began when she opened up to me about her mother in law’s biased opinion as to how her son’s infidelities should affect her. I then opened up to Anya about my mother’s cancer as were both finding out we were real people with nothing perfect in our lives but what we felt for each other. When Anya told me she would rather die than never have me in her life, I trusted that, but now it felt those words had real meaning as I began to see and feel it every day.
4:50 p.m.
“How’s my BFF? On my way to Andrew’s baseball game. Missing u.”
ME: “I’m having a great day. Are you still my best friend forever? Your BFF is missing you too.”
ANYA: “Yes I am baby! Glad you’re having a great day! Better go, game is starting. Go D-Backs! I love you Landyn!!!!”
When we first met she referred to me as “L” and now four months later I received full first name recognition as it marked the first time she ever used my full name in a text message; another sign she was starting to open up more than ever as she appeared to be far less fearful. She even texted me after her son’s game that night.
ANYA: “We won! He over pitched so he can’t pitch at the next game. I don’t understand all the rules. What are you doing?”
ME: “Happy to hear the D-Backs won! That rule is kind of lame, but they only allow a pitcher a certain amount of innings. It supposedly helps make the league more competitive so the best pitcher in the league can’t pitch every game which gives other teams a chance to win or other players a chance to play. Goes to show you how good Andrew did though! How are you?”
ANYA: “Oh I see! I guess our coach got excited and lost track! I’m fine baby. Waiting to pick up Katie at ballet practice and then dinner. I guess I’ll say goodnight. Love u, miss u!”
It broke my heart to see her run the kids around by herself in the dark. It was nearly nine p.m. and I knew from my Dad’s days at the park it wasn’t the safest place to be at night. She lived in a fairly nice neighborhood I was certain, but every city had its bad parts. I wanted to drive down to her area to just look out over her in case anything happened, but I lived nearly a half hour away and it was likely she would already be gone by the time I got there; however I kept the idea alive for the next time.
The way she communicated with me on this day really gave me a sense of purpose in her life. It was clear she wanted me to be a part of it, and she wanted me to know about her kids and her life. She also now believed like I did, that we met to save each other as I felt there really could be no other explanation for us meeting. We shared a connection not too many people truly shared with each other. We were not bound by money or status, but by love. If the situation was different and she was single, I believe the bond would have been that much stronger as we had to hold back because of the situation. The scary thing was though; we hadn’t even begun to touch the surface of our love for each other. I know I needed to save her from the façade of her unhappiness regardless of the pain I may feel. Life was simply too short to be spent unhappily, and this woman more than anyone I knew, including myself, deserved to be happy in this life.
The more she opened up, the more she shared her daily life with me; the more hope I had. The closer she allowed me to her, the more comfortable I felt in initiating texts again.
ME: “How’s my BFF doing? I hope I’m still your BFF!”
ANYA: “Ur so my BFF!!! Xoxo!!!”
ME: “I can’t wait to see you again. What r u up to? Xoxo!!!”
ANYA: “Me too!!! 3 more days baby!!! Just left a meeting. Going to help my girlfriend move out of her house. House is on the market now. It hasn’t been easy for her. Text me later baby! I love u!”
Whenever I initiated texts it always seemed I caught her at a bad time. When she signed off for the time being, I started to feel her negative energy, like a solar flare hitting the earth that scrambled communication lines. I began to fear she would see her friend’s divorce and struggle as another con; an unlisted con at the moment, but one soon to be born. I was saddened to hear her friend’s divorce had been difficult on her, but I knew it would get better over time. The one thing I noticed about Anya was she seemed to live in the moment too much, as if the present equaled the future. It was something I subtly learned about my BFF over the last four months and it was enough to discourage me at times but now that I sensed it, I could at least utilize a proactive approach. I waited a few hours before I texted her again to give her some time alone with her friend.
3:28 p.m.
“OMG! I was just going to text you when urs came in! Scared me! How r u? I miss and love my BFF too!!!”
ME: “How are you Sweetheart? How’s your friend holding up?”
ANYA: “I’m fine. My friend seems happy today. She’s all moved into her new apartment. She left her beautiful home of 10 years. I guess her ex is doing the same. It was an eye opening experience for me. She was in good spirits.”
ME: “That’s a huge step for her and not an easy one to take. It may be hard for your friend in the short run, but she is going to be very happy in the long run. How is her son doing?”
ANYA: “She is already happy! She said she wouldn’t trade it because she is free and much happier. She said the one thing that scares her the most is to meet another jerk and make the same mistake again. Her son seems to be handling it well. I’m envious.”
ME: “I wish her the best and I think she’s too smart to make the same mistake again. I’m sure she can call them from a mile away now. She might feel sad somewhat, but its temporary and she will get used to her new surroundings over time and be very happy she made a change in her life. Happy to hear her son is doing well.”
ANYA: “You’re right. She is now very aware! Yes temporary, but I don’t think that she’s unhappy about moving into the apartment. When you’re happy it doesn’t matter where you are.”
I nearly teared up at her positive thoughts. I was certain Anya lived in a large house much like her friend did, and she knew I lived in a small apartment at the moment, but she hit the nail right on the head; “When you’re happy it doesn’t matter where you are.”, and no truer words had ever been spoken. It sounds crazy but regardless of how motivated I was to be successful in this world, if I had Anya in my life, I would have been content to live in my small apartment with her for the rest of it. As crazy as it seemed to feel that way I now knew true love just worked that way. After I talked to her I was full of hope a transition like this would be met with a good spirit and the right outlook, and when our conversation ended, I felt relieved I had nipped this potential conversation right in the bud.
Later that evening, filled with more hope than ever, I text her again to see what my BFF was up to.
ANYA: “Making dinner. U?”
ME: “Just thinking of you. I bet it’s delish! Would love to taste your cooking one day. I would love to learn how to cook and return the favor too.”
ANYA: “Would love to cook for you one day! It would be my pleasure! Cooking for a vegetarian is easy! Basically veges, grains and legumes.”
ME: “I would love to prepare a meal for you one day. I would probably have to figure out what a legume is first but would love to do it!”
Just as I sent that text, I received an incoming phone call from my boss, Clyde. For the record, Clyde had never called me after work in all my years with the firm let alone place a call to me this late.
“Hi Clyde.”
“Hi Landyn. I need to see you first thing tomorrow morning. Eight-thirty sharp.”
“Yes sir, I’ll come see you first thing.”
“Okay. See you tomorrow.”
It was a short phone conversation and one that worried me greatly as I realized how much life could change in an instant. After a day of absolute positivity, I should have known things were too good to be true. As I thought about the mistakes I possibly made on the rock quarry inventory observation two weeks ago, the pain of Tenerife returned and now possibly along with it, the end of my hopes, wishes and dreams for Anya and I.