“Living in a world without you.

Is living in the world at all?”

~ “The Ministry of Lost Souls” Dream Theater

I found myself at The Good Morning Café once again, but I stayed in my car with the hope Anya would not want to go inside. I didn’t want her to think I hung out with Crazy Dave who always frequented the place, and I certainly didn’t need him checking her out from behind a newspaper. It would be the third girl he had seen me with and even though the previous two were one and done dates, history had shown he had no problem announcing them regardless which might cause Anya to worry for no reason. When she arrived though, as my luck would have it, she exited her car clad in a bright pink sweat suit and walked directly into the Café. I then took a deep breath and prepared myself for the worst as I followed her lead a few seconds later.

When we saw each other she waved at me with subdued excitement and smiled as I noticed she even made “mommy” wear look remarkable. We still couldn’t hug or hold hands in public as we were too close to home for her and I completely understood regardless of how badly I wanted to hold her and kiss her at that very moment. Fortunately for me there was no sign of Crazy Dave which felt like the first breath after nearly drowning as I now didn’t have to deal with an impromptu story about the killer whale that was his ex-wife. When we got in line Anya ordered an unsweetened Passion Fruit iced tea while I ordered a hot green tea without considering the eighty degree heat outside. After I told her to please put her money away and paid for our drinks, she thanked me and we departed from the greater public eye to head outside. After we both whispered “I love you” in unison to each other, we walked down the sidewalk another twenty feet until we reached the back of the parking center where we found ourselves as our only company.

Although I didn’t have many to draw comparisons from, this relationship was entirely different for me. We couldn’t talk in public at a coffee shop. We couldn’t even have lunch or dinner together. Everything was clandestine; even more so since her husband become suspicious a month prior, and even though it seemed that suspicion had come to pass, it deeply bothered me dishonesty had to exist even temporarily, but she had to play it safe, and I understood why. As we walked further we stumbled upon a lone wooden bench, completely obscured from public view behind a large beige stucco wall, another example how with Anya, things somehow always found a way to work out.

“Thanks for meeting me here. I miss you so much.” she said to me as we sat down. “more than you know.”

“Of course Sweetheart. I miss you just as much if not more.” I said.

“I don’t want you to think my friend’s tough times affect the way I feel about you. I wanted to tell you that in person.”

“Thank you. I believe that.”

“I’m thankful for your love. You love me with even all my baggage. Don’t get it sometimes.” she revealed. “I wonder…why me?”

“Why you? Why not you?” I said. “Love, I’ve been to the circus. I’ve seen the elephants. The dancing bears. The clowns. Even the bearded lady. It just doesn’t get better than you even with what you consider to be baggage. I’ll carry it all for you because it’s nothing to me.”

“I love you babe.”

“I love you too.”

“Sorry for the attire, but we had opening day games for Andrew. I hope you’re not horrified.”

“Horrified? If you think you look horrific then you should try scaring me more often!” I said as I rubbed her hand as it laid on her knee. “I learned something new about you today in your attire.”

“Something new about me? Just by my dreadful casual look?”

“I sure did. I learned you look beautiful in anything!”

“Ha! You’re too much!”

“Just stating the obvious Sweetheart.”

“Have you traveled much babe?” she asked me as the sunlight danced within her fragile brown eyes.

“I wish I could say I’m a seasoned world traveler but unfortunately I’ve only been to Canada and Mexico. I was in New York back in eighty-nine.” I stated to seem somewhat worldly. “Other than for work, that’s been the extent of my travels. How about yourself?”

“Oh. I’ve been all over. I went to Rome last year.”

“Italy. Nice.” I said a little sad knowing she did not likely go alone. “I’m sure it was beautiful there.”

“It was.” she said. “I go to Hawaii, mostly Maui, and the Bahamas every year. I’ve been to Cabo many times. Is there a place you would like to visit?”

“You know I’ve always wanted to go to Tahiti.” I said. “It’s phenomenally beautiful there I’ve heard.”

“Oh my god! I would love to go to Tahiti! I’ve always wanted to.” she said. “Would you ever want to go to France?”

“To France?” I said as I was shocked by her acknowledgment of a place that carried my dream with it. “I would love to see the Eiffel Tower. You’ve never been to France?”

“Never but always wanted to go.” she said. “It would be my dream to go to Tahiti and France with you one day.”

I had to say it made me feel better to know France wasn’t a place she had visited with her husband, but to be hurt by places she had been with him would be ridiculous, yet I found it hard not to be, and even though I never knew her back then, and she did not know me, I wanted a place to go with her that could be ours alone. At least I had France on him, a place I believed to be the most romantic of all places.

“I went to a neighbor’s birthday party last night. I got really drunk.” she said as she abruptly shifted the topic.

“Are you hungover?” I asked.

“A little.” she said. “My head hurts.”

“I’m sorry.” I said as I turned her face gently to mine so I could massage her forehead with my thumbs. “Was there a reason why you drank so much Sweetheart?”

“I had a talk with my kids about Flora’s divorce.” she revealed. “They asked me about it because they’re friends with her kids. It shook me up all day yesterday.”

“What did they say?” I asked as I began to gently rub her back.

“Well, it was really their first exposure to something like that so I explained to them that people divorce sometimes.” she said. “They told me they understood people have to divorce sometimes.”

“They said that? That’s very insightful for their age.” I said.

“But they also told me they would hate me and my husband if we ever divorced.” she said sadly. “That’s what shook me up.”

“I can imagine. That’s hard for a parent to hear.” I said.

“Yep.”

“On the other hand Sweetheart. I think ten kids out of ten would have said the same thing.” I said. “Who would want to see their parents get a divorce? They aren’t going to give you their blessing if that’s what you were counting on. I don’t believe any child would.”

“It still was very hard to hear because they used the word “hate”.” she said.

It was a harsh word to use, hate. No parent would want their kids to hate them as I was sure of that from my younger years. I really did understand how it made her feel. How it could devastate her, and it was not my job to give her my opinion or grief but to stay positive. The way I looked at it was this. No kid in their right mind who was not being physically abused was going to give their parent’s permission to get a divorce. That just wasn’t going to happen even in an alternate universe. Second of all, I felt the decision to divorce was an adult one, and not one to be put in the hands of a child. I felt Anya getting a divorce was not only the right thing to do but even more so, a great opportunity to teach her children a wonderful lesson in life. That self-respect and honoring oneself was important, and also if someone makes a bad decision in life, you’re not stuck, and there is a positive way out of it. The problem with Anya, and I could tell, is that she felt stuck. She felt a great obligation, and I felt whatever it was that caused her this distress, it created a dense fog that blinded her to the positives of a divorce. I believed an obligation from her should exist if there was no infidelity on the part of her husband. “For better or for worse” meant that, and even if she still loved him, then the obligation had reasoning as well, but his infidelity led her to me, another man. That was the truth no one knew, and that was when I felt this was no longer an obligation for her to fulfill but rather a burden for her to end. I also knew I had one thing in my corner that no one else in her entourage had, and that was I knew the truth about her unhappiness therefore I felt like I was truly the only one who could give her the proper perspective, and yes I loved her and with that came a little bias, however I also loved her deeply enough to let her go if I felt staying would be a mistake on her part or wrong. In fact, I would have never chosen to be in her life if I felt that way, but I was certain if she stayed in her lifeless marriage it would be the greatest of all tragedies. She asked me to fight for her for a reason, and this was it. I had to give it everything I had because it would take every thought, every ideology, every belief I ever had, and all I ever believed in to lift this fog away.

“Well, I guess if we look on the bright side it’s good to know they would hate him too…and hey, kids say the darndest things anyway. ” I said as I nudged her in an effort to further lighten the mood, but there was this sadness in her face today I had never seen, more than a hangover would give, and then she said something I never thought I would ever hear let alone be prepared to hear from her which tested my resolve and challenged my positivity.

“Secretly I wish you would let me go.” she whispered.

I didn’t know what to say. I just knew not what to say; anything that could be perceived as negative. No doubt her words stung, but I had to be strong as I remembered her words as “Kids are resilient. Nothing is impossible. I hurt every day because I miss you so much. I would rather die than never have you in my life.” went through my head. We needed my positivity to survive as I wasn’t so willing to give up on us anymore because I needed her as much as she needed me.

“Sweetheart.” I said as I grabbed her hand and held it in mine as I gently brought her chin up to look in my eyes. “Yes, this is hard to hear but they are not going to give you their permission, but no kid would, and if you think about it, these are questions I bet you already knew the answer to. They’re kids, and as bright as yours are, they have no idea at their age how this world works. They use words at their extremes, like the word “hate” because they simply don’t have any other less harsh words in their vocabulary yet. I know it’s easier said than done, but you just can’t take that to heart because you know, as an adult, they are too young to understand.”

“I think you need to regroup.” she said to me.

“Regroup?” I laughed.

“Yes babe.” she said. “maybe I could leave in two years and they would understand.”

“Sweetheart. Is that what you really think I should do? Is that what you really want?”

“I think Katie will be old enough to understand by then but probably not Andrew.” she said as she seemed to converse with herself. “He wouldn’t leave home until six years from now.”

I’ve been here before with her when her husband was suspicious because she was being elusive. We’ve put that fire out and it never stopped her from seeing me. Her words “I would rather die than never have you in my life.” played in my head like an anthem. I know what she truly wanted. What she truly needed. This was a test; to see if I would get scared and bail just like the romantic singer before me. Again, she had never had a man be loyal to her let alone one who would have to be for six years. I had the power to break her heart but she also had the power to break mine.

“Hey.” I said. “You’re not getting rid of me that easily.”

“But babe…I don’t know.”

“You don’t know. But I do.” I said. “I love you. I’m in this for the long haul. I’ll be a big boy about this no matter what happens. This is not on you. This is on me. Okay?”

“I don’t think I could be so understanding if you were living with a female.”

“You don’t have to worry about that though because I’m not nor will I.”

“I have such a busy week with work. I don’t know when I can see you again.”

“You’ll see me again when you have time. I’m busy too.” I said and smiled. “One thing I know about love is that it will find the time for us.”

“Okay.” she said. “I hope I didn’t hurt you with what I said.”

“Not at all. I understand where you’re coming from.” I said. “I love you very much.”

“I love you very much too.” she said. “You have the prettiest eyes. I could look into them all day long.”

“Ha!” I laughed as I looked away self-consciously as I was still not used to such compliments.

“I really hope I didn’t hurt you with what I said.”

“I understand Sweetheart.” I said. “I think you would know if you did!”

“Ha! I’m sure I would.”

“It was a nice try but you’re not getting out of our drive along the Palos Verdes cliffs.” I

said. “You’re stuck.”

“It’s my dream. I promise to be more positive.” she perked. “Can I see you this week? Too difficult?”

“You can see me anytime you want.”

“When baby?”

“Any day that works best for you. Just let me know and I’ll break away.”

“Ok! Let me check and I’ll get back to you. Going to be a tough week, but I’ll do my best to make it happen.”

“Sounds great.”

“Tuesday or Wednesday? Were you thinking lunch time?” she asked. “I’ll drive to you.”

“Hey! I thought you had to check your schedule?”

“I just checked it in my head.” she laughed.

“Okay how about Tuesday? Since it’s closer than Wednesday.”

“Yes! What time? Where?”

“Noon? My place?” I said. “Do you mind?”

“Sure! Of course I don’t mind!” she said excitedly. “Can we pinky swear not to think negative this time?”

I extended my pinky out to meet hers.

“I love you.” I said as her pinky met mine.

“I love you too.” she said as she moved in to kiss me.

After we kissed we both began to gaze into each other’s eyes for a silent thirty seconds before she broke as I touched the side of her face with my free hand.

“I used to fall in love with movie stars all the time. I fell in love with my husband when I was nineteen” she stated. “I was too young to know what love was. I would even go as far to say I got married out of convenience. I didn’t know what love was until I met you. You’re an amazing guy.”

Another powerful statement from the one who made my heart erratic yet steady. Kids are dramatic. I knew our love was not about breaking up a family, and hurting children. Our love was about empowering and liberating them. The sanctity of her marriage had been destroyed by her husband’s infidelities; a marriage now bound only by signatures and a tax status as I believed a marriage should only be bound by love. To know that it was I, not her husband, not the father of her children, who was the true love of her life, was a significant revelation with great magnitude. She was not only my one and only, but also my once in a lifetime.

“You can see it. You can read about it, and you can even hear about it, but no one truly knows love until they are touched by it.” I said. “My lips miss your taste. My eyes miss your face. My ears miss your whispers. My body misses your touch. I miss you in every way imaginable so that’s how I know I never knew what love was until I met you too.”

“Oh my God. Can you be any more romantic? I can’t breathe!”

“Do you know what the date is today?”

“March second?”

“That’s right. It’s also the ninth month anniversary of the night we first met.”

“What? You mean to tell me you’ve been in my head for nine months now?”

“In so many words.” I said as I smiled then kissed her on her forehead.

“Thank you baby. You spoil me with your beautiful thoughts and words. The more I fall the more I hurt because I want to see you all the time. I’ve never missed anyone this much.”

“I know the feeling.” I said as I brought her into my arms.

“I can’t stomach the thought of never hearing from you again.” she whispered. “I can’t quit you.”

“Hey.” I said softly as I lifted her chin with the outside portion of my index finger. “You won’t ever have to. I love you.”

And with that we kissed and then said our goodbyes until Tuesday afternoon.

I tried to put myself in Anya’s shoes. How would I feel if my kids had told me they would hate me and my wife if we divorced? First I would have to recognize they were kids; candy bars made them happy and simply having to come inside when it got dark was the end of the world for them. I’m sure I threw the word hate around freely and indiscriminately at my mom at times, but I never meant it. It was just the only word I knew that could get me what I wanted. I thought a lot about Katie. How by playing dollhouse, Anya may have been unconsciously setting her up for the same things in her marriage. I believed Anya was a wonderful mother and it was easy to see her kids meant the world to her, but I did wonder what she was teaching them by giving them a false sense of security in her marriage especially if they sensed anything was out of place. The truth was this; I couldn’t bring this up to Anya. It was too soon for me to share these kinds of opinions, and I needed time to mold them so they were said out of love, and not misinterpreted. It was a serious topic, one I wasn’t all too aware of coming in to our relationship and needed to further research, and from what I’ve heard so far, I had to develop a strong argument because as a mother, she was only going to consider the things that could go wrong, and not the things that could go right.

Royal Road is the home of this novel. Visit there to read the original and support the author.

I had to be honest with myself as well. Now, I was afraid to live life without her as much as it scared her to live it without me. It had only been three months, but that’s what made it even harder because I couldn’t cling onto something I disliked about her. It took me thirty seven years to find this and it turned out to be greater than I even dreamed it could be so how could I possibly return to a life without her? How could I just throw this connection away? How could I just ignore and let my soulmate go? How could I just let all these beautiful feelings she gives me mean absolutely nothing? I’ve been waiting my entire life for this, it’s finally here and now I’m supposed to just let it all go? A month ago, I could have done it, even on my birthday, now I had to honestly recognize that not only would it be difficult, but I was in the fight of my life, for my life.

Tuesday, March 4th, 2008

7:52 a.m.

“Good morning! 5 hour meeting last night, brutal. Blew off workout this morning, tired. Big democratic runoff today, we’ll see what happens. Beautiful morn babe. How r u?”

ME: “Great! I get to see you today!” I text back. “Sorry to hear you had a long night. Going to be interesting to see what happens today. What took you so late into the evening? How are you is the more important question.”

ANYA: “I’m doing well considering. It was a strategic meeting w/board members and others at the round table. There were 12 of us burning oil coming up with plan B. Can’t wait to see you today. Thanks for making time for us.”

ME: “I’m sorry babe you had to work so late. I hope you were able to come up with a solid plan B. Thank you for making time to visit! I know how busy and tired you are. Hey guess what?”

ANYA: “What?”

ME: “I found a strand of your beautiful hair on my pillow last night! So even though the last time you visited me felt like a dream, it was indeed real.”

ANYA: “Are you serious? I told you I leave traces! Saturday was definitely real! Can’t erase the touch, the smell, the taste…”

ME: “I’m afraid to admit this but sometimes I look for traces of you because I miss you so much. This is the first time I’ve found one. You felt beautifully, you smelled beautifully, you tasted beautifully. Face it, you’re beautiful! I’m honored to have a strand of your hair with me.”

ANYA: “You’re really making me blush over here. You are the sweetest! I have bad hair days, bad skin days, bad make-up days, and so on. You never have bad days! You always look cute! Xoxo!”

ME: “Is that what you really think? Ha! My hair is horrible! I always worry about how my hair looks whenever I see you.”

ANYA: “Your hair is always perfect, your eyes always sparkle, your smile always shines! You’re cute! I love you babe!”

ME: “Ha! I just kissed my phone! You’re too kind! I’ll still probably worry about my hair though! It grows up instead of down! I have to get haircuts often otherwise I might look like Kid from the group Kid n’ Play! I wouldn’t want you to stop coming here because of my hair! I love you too!”

ANYA: “Haha! I just kissed my phone too! Don’t worry about your hair! You’re perfect! Going to see you is like going on vacation. No stress just happiness. See u at 12!”

The plan was to go into work in the morning then to take a two hour lunch and work later to make up for the lost time. Even though it was still busy season, and I would stay late anyway, this job was integral to our future. Without it, I would lose her so I had to make sure I worked hard so I could play hard…or something like that. The anticipation of her visit was heightened this day by her “random thoughts”. We both felt more secure in our love as we started to become more courageous in our show of emotions and feelings. I also knew how hard the missing was when she left and I didn’t want to make it worse than it already was, as it was almost like a drug addiction, but there was an air of uncertainty as I didn’t know if I could hold myself back from loving her. My feelings were much stronger than the last time she visited and the more experiences we shared, the harder it was when she left me, but I had to be cognizant how she felt when she went home because she faced three people there and I only faced one.

12:00 p.m.

“Here.”

Arguably the simplest word in the English language held the most meaning. I longed to see it every day, and loved to see it every time I did. I truly was a simple man when I realized how this single artless word gave me so many reasons to live. This visit, like all the ones which preceded it, carried an excitement all its own. All the barriers seemed to be past us as we agreed this visit would be a positive one, not one of pessimism we weren’t ready to face because it was simply too soon to. It was now a habit of mine to be at the gate when she arrived because time was always of the essence as even seconds were precious when she visited me. As I opened the gate for her, I took in all her splendor, a floral patterned dress that hung loosely but perfectly to her tan body. When she saw me, her white smile came alive and her eyes beamed like supernovas, as she extended her pinky to me. I then smiled comfortably as I met hers with mine to signify we were on the same page.

The day was one of pronounced magnificence. The sun shone bright and warm on this cozy cloudless March afternoon as Anya snatched my hand in hers as she usually did and then gazed affectionately into my eyes as we walked side by side. I gave them her full attention confidently as I loved to gaze into hers just as much, and we didn’t need to say a word to each other as we both knew what we were thinking and wanted to say. A security I had never felt with another human being; the safest of all moments I had ever experienced.

When we got inside my apartment, we didn’t say a word to each other as our eyes created a loudness all its own. I took her purse and laid it on the kitchen countertop and then gently reached for her hand to lead her into my candle lit room. As we displayed all we felt inside, we then began to assist each other in the removal of our clothing. As we stood only in attire that separated our private areas, I took her into my arms and brought her body into mine, flesh on flesh as she moaned when I laid her down lightly onto my bed. As I kissed her deeply, she ran her beautifully manicured nails through my scalp and wrapped her legs tightly along my back. I hovered over her, never wanting another human being so badly as I searched for the safety of her soft brown eyes. When they met mine with an excitement I had never seen in them before, I glanced downward to the place I wanted to go, a place I wanted to badly feel, and when I looked back into them, she moaned deeper unable to meet my gaze. I then positioned myself lower so I could kiss her flat supple stomach and massage her inner thighs thoroughly as she reached for and felt all that made me a man. As I brought my hands dominantly along her body and across her breasts, I could feel her warmth as her body sweetly perspired.

“I love you.” she breathed.

“I love you.” I whispered as I moved forward to feed her lips.

I knew it was okay to make love to her. I could tell she wanted me to, but again I succumbed to the longing, the missing, as it was still too great to bear even as bad as I wanted to go there and I really wanted to go there. I loved this woman so much, so deeply, but too much to tear her up when she had to face the folks at home. As bad as I wanted to be one with her. I just couldn’t do it, and guilt had nothing to do with it; it was all love’s doing.

I then laid down next to her and as I brought her into my arms I could feel her heartbeat race against my chest. I hated to do it to her. I hated to do it to myself. I wanted to be one, but I felt I had my reasons and I felt she understood them. After we cooled down and kissed each other for another ten minutes as she rubbed her foot across my leg, I spoke.

“I hope you’re not mad at me.” I said.

“Not at all babe.” she said.

“I wanted you really bad Sweetheart.”

“You don’t even know how bad I wanted you. It felt like you were waiting for me to say yes. If I did say yes…would that make me bad? Would that be the ultimate sin?”

“I’ve never really read the Bible but I don’t think so Sweetheart.” I said. “I would think God is an advocate for people who are in love…especially when love was stricken from your heart the way it has. If you still loved your husband and or he truly loved you, then I would think it would be the ultimate sin, but I know that’s not the case. I love you more than life itself, and I would never disrespect your heart.”

“I know deep down in my heart you would never cheat on me. You’re one special guy.”

“I don’t think being loyal makes me special. I should be if I love you.” I said. “I wish we lived together. That’s not easy for me to say because I enjoy my privacy, but missing you after you leave makes it hard for me not to wish that.”

“Living with someone is not easy. There’s a lot to it.” she said. “I know that I could definitely live with you though. I wish too.”

“I could without the slightest of doubts live with you. Even with all your traces!

Anya laughed heartily before asking. “Babe, how old were you when you first had sex?”

This question threw me off, and I had no idea what to tell her. Sadly, I was thirty years old when I first had sex, and that was with Denise who tore me apart. It had been seven years since the last time and I was afraid to let Anya know this. I felt like I could be judged for it because of her “40 year old virgin” comment, so I told her an age that was somewhat embarrassing, but not as embarrassing as thirty.

“I was twenty-four.” I white lied. “Kind of late…I know. Please keep it between us.”

“Twenty-four…our secret.” she said. “You’re a special person. Never met a guy like you.”

“You give me too much credit Sweetheart. It’s just who I am.”

“You’re so humble.”

I didn’t think I was special as I was certain all the other men Anya had known probably had a lot more going for them. The romantic singer certainly had several more opportunities to attract women than I did, and certainly her husband had more success in that area than I did as well. To be honest, if I did have the same opportunities the other men in her life had, I would have turned out the same way, so maybe I was a little special because I carried some humility to keep me grounded, and that’s what she meant, however I never viewed myself as someone who was better than anyone else. I was more focused on being the best person I could be to those around me, and if I was better than anyone, I certainly wouldn’t have known it.

“So when are we reading our first book together?” I asked her to change the subject.

Upon this question, a huge smile broke on her face as she lunged into kiss me, a display of happiness which surprised me due to the simplicity of my query. I had always dreamt of meeting someone who enjoyed reading as much as I did, who appreciated books that made you think, made you question life and how you viewed it. Anya was successful in getting me interested in a genre of music I never dreamed I would appreciate so I was just as excited as she was about simply reading a book together.

“I can’t wait to read my first book with you! I will let you know what we’re reading next in Book Club and we can read that one together.”

“Sounds good to me.” I said with a broad smile on my face.

“I dream about being a couple and exploring life with you.” she announced.

“It’s my dream too.” I said as I pulled her close to kiss her. “To have a love story we both deserve.”

She knew what to say. She always knew what to say and knew what I was thinking, and it made me feel so at ease when I had her in my arms. The things she would text me and told me over the phone also did as well, but having in her in my arms as she looked into my eyes held a weight all its own, and when she kissed me and smiled, I knew she meant every word, and it was a safety I realized I needed as well even though I preferred to give over its receipt.

Anya then began to run her hands through my hair, something no other girl had done before and it made me deeply comfortable as the candles burned in my darkened room. I then started to kiss her neck and moved my hands along her breasts as we both got turned on again, but again after another thirty minutes passed without its realization, we had to slow down. The craziest thing about my love for her was she gave me so many romantic thoughts it almost felt making love wouldn’t do us justice. This woman just did it for me, it just happened each and every time without even thinking, just feeling, and it got even more difficult when I began to realize to not be one with her would not be natural. We were inevitably made to love each other, one day, someday, and as I held her in my arms I dreaded the words that would soon come from her lips that would bring the end of the time of my life.

“It gets harder and harder to say goodbye.” she said. “I don’t want to ever go.”

“We’re a lot closer now than we were even a week ago.” I said. “I cherish every second I get to spend with you. They come and go so fast whenever we’re together.”

“Time flies by so fast it’s unfair.” she said. “Is your arm going to be okay?”

“I don’t know. I’m afraid to ask him.” I said as I pulled her closer to me. “You know how he is though.”

“Okay.” she giggled. “I’m so sorry I have to go babe.”

“I understand Sweetheart.”

“I love you.” she said as she started to roll off my left arm.

“I love you too” I said as I then pulled her back to me as she was just about to roll free. “but I miss you already.”

“I miss you already too.” she laughed as she kissed me.

As we both painstakingly rose to get dressed, we smiled at each other as we knew today was our best day together because it was entirely free of any negativity as we kept to our pinky swear. It was undoubtedly a significant day in our relationship, another one that brought us closer to the part of heaven we chose to go to. After we were dressed we embraced, kissed each other, and then left my apartment, hand in hand, closer to each other than we were an hour before.

Usually when kids leave home, their parents are said to experience an empty nest syndrome. When Anya left, I believe I experienced the same thing. When she did depart however, I got into my car and drove back to work with my head in the clouds, as if in a narcotic induced daze. There was now a face to the woman in my dreams and she was even better than I could have imagined. Anya gave me more hope than anything could ever give me, and I desperately needed that as my personal life was now on par with my professional life. The only question left was how great could it go from here?

When I arrived at work, I said hello to almost everyone who was at the office, something I rarely did as I usually just tried to walk by unnoticed. When I got to my office I turned my chair around to take a view of the city below me. I focused on all the cars that drove along the freeway and the roads below, and I wondered what their own stories were and if they could say they were content with their lives as much as I was. I couldn’t turn away from the view of all the glass office buildings, the snow-capped mountains, and the bluest sky in front of me as I reveled in the belief I was on the cusp of something great, something much greater than me. It took thirty-seven years, but I could honestly say I was madly in love with the world around me, a world I finally felt a part of.

A little later that afternoon, Anya text me.

4:18 p.m.

“OMG! I miss you sooo much!”

“I’ve been on cloud nine since you left.” I responded.

ANYA: “I loved every minute we had together. I guess I’m afraid if I go there, once I go there, it would really tear me up. I’m afraid of my own emotions. Does that make sense?”

ME: “It totally makes sense. It would tear me up as well. I know you have to face the folks and I don’t face anyone but my own reflection here Sweetheart. I worry about that because I know how much it affects me.”

ANYA: “I’m sorry. I should let you get back to work. I just miss you so much. I love you.”

ME: “Nothing to apologize for Sweetheart. I love you too.”

It was hard to concentrate after such a great day together so upon this realization I decided to pack up for the day and take my work home with me. When I got home though, I only found out it even more impossible to do my work there as well. My only option at that point was to go into my room and close my eyes to embrace the dream from earlier and to escape the reality of the moment now as I put my phone on my chest, close to my heart, in case she felt the same thing, and when I felt its vibration I was assured she did.

9:28 p.m.

“Goodnight. R u at the gym?”

“Not tonight Sweetheart. I’m home.” I responded.

ANYA: “U ok?”

ME: “I’m fine. Are you ok?”

ANYA: “Yes, just re-playing today over in my head.”

ME: “I was thinking about today. Having a moment.”

ANYA: “Me too baby. What kind of moment?”

ME: “The moment when I looked at you, and how turned on I was then.”

ANYA: “Really? Do you regret not going for it?”

ME: “It’s just hard not to think about it. How badly I wanted to. I guess I do regret it a little bit.”

ANYA: “I did too. It’s hot to think about it! You make me crazy. We have good energy and chemistry. Thank u for your patience.”

ME: “I love you so it’s easy to be patient. Thank you for your patience too.”

ANYA: “I love you too. I better go now. Goodnight, sweet dreams.”

ME: “Ok Sweetheart. Goodnight. Sweet dreams.”

ANYA: “We need more time, like all day!”

ME: “Haha! It would be the best day of my life!”

ANYA: “One day…”

One day. Something to believe in. Something to live for. It was a forever embedded beautiful day, one I had never truly experienced before, and one I never took for granted as if I would ever experience it again. As badly as I wanted to go there with her, I knew how much it affected me if I had. This day felt as right as it was beautiful however I knew it would now be tougher not to be one with each other. I began to feel this was now out of our control, as the magnetism of being one grew greater than our reluctance.

Anya text me early the next morning as later “goodnight” texts and earlier “Good morning” texts became the norm.

“Good morning! Sleep well?” she texted to me.

ME: “I slept fairly well considering I woke up at 4. Did you sleep well?”

ANYA: “I got some sleep, woke up at 2:30 thinking about when you began to massage my thighs. Was totally turned on but forced myself to fall back asleep at 4:30. Do you go back to sleep until you have to get up?”

ME: “I was thinking about when you wrapped your legs tightly on my back. Totally turned me on! I try to but by the time I usually do fall back to sleep my alarm goes off and I have to get up! Yesterday felt like it was too good to have happened.”

ANYA: “It really did feel amazing, like a dream. I just hope I can focus today because I was in a daze all day yesterday. I love you baby.”

ME: “I was in a bliss fog yesterday as well. I love you too.”

She communicated with me more via text throughout the next few days, more than even when I was in Burbank.

March 6, 2008

5:17 p.m.

“Missing u.”

“Missing u too. Can’t get yesterday off my mind.” I texted back.

ANYA: “Same here. Crazy huh? You don’t know this but I’ve always listened to Latin love music. I’ll burn you a CD. I don’t know why but I always think of you when I listen.”

ME: “Really? You don’t know this but I speak Latin fluently!”

ANYA: “OMG! You do?”

ME: “Of course I don’t, but I wish I did now!”

ANYA: “Ha! Not funny babe!”

ME: “Sorry Sweetheart…couldn’t resist. Maybe it’s time to learn. Why do you think of me when you listen? I don’t know Latin music. I wish I did.”

ANYA: “I think it’s because I think of getting lost with you in a beautiful foreign place. Maybe that’s why I think of you. The music is foreign but I get lost when I listen.”

ME: “That’s a beautiful thought. I’m deeply flattered.”

ANYA: “It all started with Julio Iglesias. Do you know who that is? Well I’ve moved on since but that’s how long I’ve listened to Latin music.”

ME: “That’s actually the only Latin love singer I’ve heard of. I can appreciate Latin love music especially if you enjoy it, I’m sure I will. You have great musical taste.”

ANYA: “Good, I’m glad! I’ll burn you a CD tonight. I don’t have much experience with dating but are these crazy feelings normal? I wonder how many times one can fall “in love in a lifetime.”

ME: “I’ve cared before, and even believed it to be love, but I have never cared for someone this deeply before, but I think this is how love should feel. It should make you feel vulnerable. It should leave you breathless. It should leave you aching to see the one you love again. Anything less to me would be unsettling. I think a person can fall in love many times in a lifetime but I think this feeling is a once in a lifetime.”

ANYA: “Thank you baby. I feel the same way about you. We have the same heart from the same mold. Miss you.”

ME: “Miss you too.”

When I didn’t hear from her the next morning, I initiated a “good morning” text to ask how she was doing.

March 7, 2008

8:44 p.m.

“Good morning. I’m okay. Just getting ready for the day. I miss you.”

I had known Anya for nine months now, and I knew she was never just okay. Something was on her mind, a burden I sensed. I didn’t know if it was a good or bad thing so I decided to only think positively about it instead of unduly analyzing it, but it was one of the first times she said she was just “ok” and not “great” or even “good”. When she text me later that afternoon it stabilized me within.

1:23 p.m.

“It was only two days ago around this time babe! Can you believe it? I have a CD for you . Can you text me your mailing address? I’ll drop it in the mail today.”

After I breathed a little easier, I thanked her for the CD and gave her my address.

ANYA: “You’re welcome sweets! It feels like forever and it was only 2 days ago! Always daydreaming about you!”

ME: “It’s hard not to daydream when I had such a beautiful woman in my arms! I love you!”

ANYA: “Ha! I blush every time you call me beautiful. I love you too.”

Her late texts now even flirted with midnight.

11:47 p.m.

“Think of me tonight, I’ll definitely think of you! Totally turned on! Sweet dreams!”

Then came the most significant late night texts on a Saturday night from her as I decided

to stay home instead of visiting my parents.

March 8, 2008

11:09 p.m.

“I MISS YOU.”

“I miss you too…been thinking about you all day.” I responded.

ANYA: “U DON’T EVEN KNOW. I’M GOING TO BE ALONE TONIGHT AND IT’S NOT GOING TO BE EASY. I THOUGHT OF YOU ALL DAY TOO.”

ME: “You’re home alone? Where are the kids?”

ANYA: “They’re asleep now. I’m not good with silence sometimes. Times like this I just want to run. It’s not because of the kids at all. I’m dealing with “other” issues. Mostly my empty feelings at home.”

I didn’t know what to text back to her as her random thoughts clashed with the reality of her situation, a collision that threatened to spawn her destiny. Before I could text her my response, she text me the most significant revelation of her feelings.

ANYA: “My mind is racing. I miss you deeply. Wondering why can’t I be with the one I love?”

The more I thought about a nearer than ever final “here” text from her, I couldn’t deny I was as anxious to start forever on this night as she was as our destiny fell upon us.