“It’s hard not to fall. When you float like a cannonball."

~ “Cannonball” Damien Rice

I didn’t know what to say. What could I say? Elusive and preoccupied? I guess a seasoned cheater like her husband would know the all the signs! I knew she text me throughout the day, and during the holidays, but it didn’t appear often enough to draw any suspicion, and she never contacted me at strange times; always early in the morning and at night before she went to bed. I didn’t want to push her to do something she wasn’t comfortable doing regardless of how much it stopped my heartbeat. I was curious though to know exactly what she was doing that would lead him to make such a comment as I felt her purposely avoiding him might spur his curiosity.

10:48 a.m.

“I don’t think I‘ve been distant. I’ve always been independent. Anyway, I don’t want to take up anymore of your work time baby. Thanks for taking the time to text me. I’m fine. I hope you’re ok with all this. Always thinking about you” Lv, me.

The fifth of January got me through the hard New Year’s Eve night, and now it seemed like every night from now on would feel like New Year’s Eve. As much heartache this caused me I refused to push her. She had to live there, I didn’t. She had to face him without me, day in and day out, not to mention she worked for him and was on his payroll. As much as it pained me inside, it was too much to ask of her. Over the next few days, we talked very sparingly. By the time January fourth arrived, I got a bad sore throat and I started to get the chills, seemingly coming down with a severe cold or flu. Anya never mentioned anything about the fifth so I didn’t push the issue. Now that I was sick, it ended up being a good thing even as bad as I hoped to see her. On that fifth day of January, Anya text me in the morning.

8:37 a.m.

“Happy 5th baby! I went to an opening of a restaurant (friend’s) in Newport Beach last night. What time should I come by this evening?”

I had to do a double take. She was coming now? I was ecstatic but realized I couldn’t be because I was really under the weather as I felt hardly functional. Additionally, she had kids at home and I had to put them and their mother before myself. In the middle of my return text to her, another thought crossed my mind; how much she put into making her visit happen. No doubt she had to pull some strings to make this visit possible. I feared she might think I was making it up and it would upset her. I didn’t know how to handle this dilemma even as I was handling it.

ME: “Hi Sweetheart. I thought you weren’t coming so I never mentioned I caught a cold yesterday. I don’t want you to think I am cancelling on you but as bad as I want to see you I’m afraid I’m going to get you sick if you come over. I think it would be a good idea if we reschedule. I hope you understand. ”

ANYA: “K. I can understand if you’re not okay with all of this. I would understand if you met someone else.”

The low self-esteem I had built over the years never allowed me to even remotely consider she may have thought I was interested in someone else now. Her statement hit me like a meteor, as it made me realize how much I had to learn to see things through her eyes, even things that would require me to learn a foreign language like words and thoughts of high self-esteem. I had never met a woman who required me to think of myself as a superior catch but compared to her husband and what was most important to her now at this point in her life--I truly was, and I had to be that even if I felt inadequate. From this point on I made the conscious choice to consider her own fears before my own. A huge shift in my mental make-up, but it immensely highlighted, even under the circumstances, that we were both a good thing for each other.

ME: “Sweetheart, there is no one else. There could be no one else. Honest to God I caught a cold and am thinking about you. In fact, I didn’t even want to mention it to you because I want to see you so bad but I would feel awful if you got sick and I never gave you the choice. I hope you know I would love to see you. It’s up to you.”

ANYA: “I really miss you. It’s been really hard. I’ll be fine. I promise. ”

ME: “Are you sure? I don’t want to get you sick. As badly as I want to see you I don’t want you to get this.”

ANYA: “I don’t mind catching your cooties.”

ME: “OK, my cooties are all yours. What time is a good time for you to come by?”

ANYA: “Is 7:30 a good time?”

ME: “7:30 is perfect. I’ll see you then!”

ANYA: “Thank you! Can’t wait!”

ME: “Can’t wait to see you too! Thank you!”

And just like that, the fifth of January was back on, surprisingly. I felt better than I did the previous day but was still under the weather, and even though I believed the worst of my cold was over, I still didn’t want to have her come over, not have her know about how I felt, and have her get sick and be incapacitated at home because of it. Like she told me at Luigianno’s that afternoon, if we weren’t honest with each other, we didn’t stand a chance. I thought her visit would inspire honesty between us with no holds barred, and to see where we stood and how to get there. Regardless of my malady, I was on a mission as I had the late morning and early afternoon to get my modest apartment to look like a place she could call home. I bought a piece of simple artwork, a painting consisting of a short narrow dock and a warm light pink sunset beyond it which I placed in my living room. I bought several candle sets and set those up on my coffee table and along the living room wall and hallway. I even went as far as to buy a few pillows for my couch to go with the comfy and warm theme. I also purchased a wooden bowl to sit on my kitchen counter top and filled it with fresh apples, tangerines and peaches. I then strategically placed three board games, Monopoly, Trivial Pursuit and an electronic Wheel of Fortune Game that I wasn’t sure even worked, on top my coffee table so she would feel more comfortable. I then got on my hands and knees to scrub out all the dust and dirt in my kitchen, bathroom and bedroom. I was a pretty clean guy anyway, not anal or even meticulous, but I felt things had to be in their proper place. I also didn’t want to leave anything to chance with Anya if she decided to be like Denise and search for the bad in me so my place not only had to look warm but also immaculate, and by the time six ‘o’ clock rolled around, by the way the rooms smelled fresh and the furniture and floors shone, I was confident it was. I then decided to text Anya to see if she wanted something from Luiggianos for dinner as I also decided to invest in some new silverware, plates and bowls. She text me back to tell me she would like a salad so after I showered I headed over to Luigianno’s which was only five minutes away from my place.

When I returned home from Luigianno’s with our salads, I sat them up on my kitchen countertop and complemented them with two wine glasses. I then uncorked the bottle of Cabernet I picked up earlier, the same cabernet we ordered at the Pacific Grill the first time we met outside of Paseo’s. As I sat on my couch afterwards, ten minutes away from seeing her lovely face, I let the peace of the moment sink in as I sadly realized she would be the first woman to ever set foot in my apartment. This was a big step for me; a huge leap of faith, to open up my home to someone after my disappointments in the past. I knew my place had to be perfect for Anya because my luck had been anything but, and even though I was still a bit weary of my past, I was also confident this time was different--far different. Then, as if on cue and without a second to spare past seven-thirty, I heard my phone’s short precise text tone, which alone elicited a feeling of happiness within me because I knew it was her when I heard it, and when I saw the red light pulsating it inspired my heart to do the same.

7:30 p.m.

“Here!”

It was startling to recognize how a single one word text meant so much to me. I then quickly text her back to tell her I would be right down to open the gate for her. A long winding walk through most of my apartment complex awaited me as I began my jaunt to greet her. It was usually a very colorful route along a cleanly paved pathway surrounded by throngs of various flowers and healthy green grass, but it was dark at seventy-thirty in California on a January evening as the night stole the picturesque splendor from us. The night air was crisp though, as a bright full moon appeared to aid the small lights along the path that helped guide me to my destination. Just before I reached the entrance to my complex I could see a shadowy figure as it stood there patiently, and when I reached the gate like door, I saw this same figure as it stood with its back to me. When I said her name after I opened the gate, she turned quickly around to face me and when I saw her warm vibrant smile I felt completely disconnected from the mundane world I belonged to just mere seconds ago. As I smiled warmly back and closed the entry door behind her I couldn’t help but take an appreciation in how her straight dark hair laid exquisitely upon her bare shoulders and how nice she looked in her purple blouse she complemented finely with a pair of white pants. Before I could compliment her on the attire she chose, she fell gently into my arms, held me tightly and buried her head into my shoulder. After a fifteen second embrace she grabbed my hand and held it tightly.

“I’m so happy to see you.” she said excitedly.

“I’m really happy to see you too.” I said as I stared into her eyes meaning every single word of it.

“I’m nervous.” she admitted.

“Nothing to be nervous about.” I reassured her. “I promise.”

She squeezed my hand tighter as we began to walk to my apartment. I then felt bad it was such a long walk for her from the entrance, but at the same time, I was thankful because I got to hold her hand through it all. As I walked with her through the labyrinth, I felt a need to make light of it.

“Just so you know, after we get to my apartment, you’re going to have to find your way back to the gate because I assume you remember how to get here and back now.”

“Oh please don’t do that to me. I’ll never get out of here.”

“Haha! It’s quite the maze isn’t it? Actually I think the Minotaur is running around here somewhere.”

“I don’t need to see a half man half bull right now!”

“Wow. I’m impressed. You know Greek mythology?”

“Well, kinda, sorta.” she said. “My son is studying it right now.”

“Ah! Makes sense.” I said. “It’s all Greek to me too. Kinda, sorta.”

“Greek Geek.” she said as she lightly punched my shoulder.

“That’s me. Kind of Greeky.” I nervously joked. “I mean…geeky.”

As our nerves laced playful banter ensued, we finally reached my apartment which was on the second floor of a two floor building. When I opened the door and as she walked by me I got a pleasurable trace of her sweet perfume, and I immediately thought I had to know what it was, but once inside and after I had shut the door she reached into her purse and revealed a small gift paper bag.

“I burned you a few CD’s…like I promised you I would.” she said as she handed me the bag.

“Thank you so much.” I said surprised by her thoughtfulness.

I then reached inside the bag, and pulled out six compacts discs, each with its own cover and a large booklet that contained all the songs. It had been a long time someone had given me a gift of such meaning. I knew how busy her schedule was and I was touched that she thought about me enough to take the time out of her day to burn them for me. After I quickly glanced at the booklet, I looked up at her as she looked directly at me.

“Now you have all the songs I listen to mostly every day.” she said. “It’s a little part of me.”

I felt awkward doing so because I didn’t want her to feel uncomfortable or to think I was setting the tone of the evening this way, but I felt a need to kiss her and hold her as it was appropriate to do so finally in a private setting, and fortunately for me she felt the same way.

“I really do have a board game for us to play.” I said. “I swear.”

“I’ve never had a guy ask me out on a date to play a board game.” she informed me as she laughed.

“Well, I guess there’s truly a first for everything.”

“I love your place Landyn.” she said as she looked around. “It has a cozy feel and it smells really good.”

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“Thanks.” I said. “It’s not always like this but I do try to keep it clean.”

“I’m impressed.” she said. “Just another reason to be in awe of you.”

I’m not one for compliments. In fact, I get really embarrassed by them and they make me feel uncomfortable. I attribute it to the way my father used to put me down and layered with my past failures with women. I just never felt good enough about myself to ever allow myself to trust its authenticity I always felt it was because people didn’t know me well enough, and eventually as enough time passes they will see they were wrong to say something so nice about me. Whenever Anya complimented me however, and it was often, not once did it ever make me feel uncomfortable because it never felt obligatory or even contrived, but genuine as I found myself not only trusting them, but also appreciating them at the same time. I guess I was just happy to find someone who could see that part of me and trusted it was really me.

I had our salads prepped in my new bowls and placed on top of a small bar attached to the other side of my kitchen countertop. My apartment was too small to have a dining room table, but I had comfy barstools to sit on. I looked at my presentation of our modest dinner and thought she may believe it was tacky as I didn’t have quality cloth napkins, or even regular printed napkins but rather a neatly folded paper towel in which the silverware was placed upon. I also didn’t know the proper placement of the silverware as I suddenly began to worry about etiquette which increased the fluterring of bat wings in my stomach. When she saw the salad neatly placed on the bar top, I expected her to be too kind to say anything besides thank you, but when she saw the arrangement her response caught me by surprise.

“This is the sweetest thing.” she said. “I’m really impressed with how you did this.”

“Well, you are the guest of honor.” I said as I pulled her bar stool away from the countertop so she could sit. “I have to come clean but I’ve never done this for anyone before.”

“How come?”

“Well, I’ve never really had the chance to.” I said as I waited for her to sit. “I’m just glad you like it.”

“It’s perfect.” she said. “Just like you.”

“Well, you must be rubbing off on me then.” I said as she sat down. “Oops…I almost forgot.”

“What?”

When I saw our two thirsty but empty wine glasses I realized what I had forgotten. When I grabbed the already uncorked bottle, I feared, being the wine connoisseur she was, that she would believe the wine had been opened a long time ago so I decided to come clean one more time.

“Please forgive me Anya but I uncorked the bottle just before you got here.” I said. “I didn’t want you to see how poor of a wine aficionado I was. I bought the wine this afternoon. I didn’t want to screw up the uncorking in front of you.”

“Our selection I see.” she said animatedly as she ignored a fear that did not matter to her.

“Yes.” I said as I poured her glass from the other side of the counter. “Our Cab.”

After I had poured my glass I walked back around to my seat. As I sat down, I looked over at her and we both grabbed our glasses in unison.

“To us.” she proclaimed.

“To us.” I said as I met her glass with mine.

As we began to revel in our salads, I felt more bat wings fluterring around in my stomach as all the things I wanted to tell her suddenly became hard to say as they came upon me. At that very moment I had no clue how this night would end or where it would go. I just knew it was my job to end the silence and make the first woman I had ever brought to my apartment feel comfortable. The only woman I ever really felt the need to express my love for and that was all the inspiration I needed.

“Anya. Your name.” I said. “I was wondering where it originated from. It’s very unique.”

“Oh. You think so?”

“Yes.”

“Ha! Well, it’s actually Russian.”

“Really? You look purely Asian though.”

“Of course I do silly. My mother is Korean. My father is Russian.” she explained. “My name means gracious or bringing goodness.”

“It’s a beautiful name.”

“Thank you.” she said. “Now, Landyn is a name you don’t hear often.”

“All I know is that it means long hill.” I said. “Kind of appropriate if you ask me.”

“Ha! Why would you say that?”

“I don’t know. It just seems my whole life has been a long uphill climb.” I said. “Long story, but strangely the name fits like a glove. Actually more like a tourniquet.”

“Hmmm.” she said as she looked at me sideways. “I gotta hear your uphill story.”

“I’ll save it for another time. How’s that?” I said. “I think it will come out much better if I was completely hammered.”

“Much more fun that way?” she giggled.

“Definitely. Less for you to remember too.” I joked as I bumped her lightly with my right shoulder. “I’d tell you tonight but I’m sure you have to go home soon.”

“Yeah…my daughter had a party so I dropped her off. I have to be back in town to pick her up at about ten.”

“It was okay to leave her there right?” I asked.

“Oh, she’s at the age she doesn’t want mom around. She’ll be a teenager this year.”

“What are your kids like?”

Upon my question, Anya placed her fork inside her salad bowl and used the paper towel to wipe her face. She kept her head down for about ten seconds in silence and I began to worry but then she spoke.

“I can’t believe.” she said softly.

“What’s wrong?” I asked concerned. “Did I say something wrong? I’m sorry if I did.”

“I can’t believe you just asked me about my kids.” she said as she looked at me with watering eyes.

“Please forgive me. I didn’t know I shouldn’t have asked about them.” I said as I gently rubbed her back. “I guess maybe that’s not the right thing to ask you considering the situation.”

“Considering you’re the kind of guy thoughtful enough to ask me about my kids?” she said with a sudden smile. “I’m not used to such questions.”

“Well, I’d love to hear about your kids.” I said. “I meant it when I said that your kids are a bonus because they’re a part of you.”

She then looked around my apartment and smiled. I guess to hide her tears and wipe them quickly away.

“Katie looks a lot like me.” she said. “She’s very smart though. A straight ‘A’ student. I don’t think she got that from me.”

“Oh whatever.” I teased. “I don’t believe there’s anything more important than a good education in this world. I’m impressed.”

“She’s also into dance.” she said. “I’ve had her in ballet since she was five but she’s really taken her love for dance to a whole other level. She practices as much as four hours every weeknight. In fact, we have a trip to New York coming up this summer where she’ll compete with other dancers.”

“She must be really good.” I said. “Holy smokes. I just realized something.”

“What’s that?” she asked.

“She’s only twelve and has already accomplished more than I have in thirty-seven years.”

“Ha! I don’t believe that but very sweet of you to say. I’m very proud of her. She works really hard. She gets along with her brother and all of her friends. She’s a good kid.”

“I can believe she’s a good kid with you raising her. No surprise there.” I said. “How about your son?”

“He’s your typical ten year old boy. Loves sports. Thinks girls are yucky.”

“Yeah, that’s pretty typical of boys his age.” I said as I laughed. “How does he do in school?”

“Straight ‘A’s too.” she said. “Really well. He’s more analytical. Does well in Math. Loves it actually.”

“Sounds like you have two great kids there.” I said. “What kind of sports does he play?”

“Mostly soccer and baseball. He’s playing for the Dodgers this year. The recreation park Dodgers that is. He’s really excited.”

"The real Dodgers could probably use him these days." I joked. "I'm sure he'll have a lot of fun. I loved playing baseball when I was younger."

“How do you feel about kids?” she asked abruptly.

“I love kids.” I confessed. “I used to work at a Daycare for a few years. Coached the eighth grade boys basketball team. Helped run a KinderCare program. I enjoyed it very much. Miss it actually.”

“I don’t want any more kids.” she blurted. “How would you feel about that?”

Her statement caught me off guard; I’ve always wanted kids, and always dreamt of being a Father. More than anything I wanted to give my parents grandchildren, but was I willing to sacrifice a huge part of myself for this once in a lifetime love? I couldn’t push Anya to have kids if she didn’t want them. Maybe it was just because of the experience she had with her husband that made her not want them? I knew things would be different with me but how could she trust that after all she’s been through with her husband? I then reasoned I was almost thirty-eight years old and maybe we were both too old to have them anyway, and it possibly wasn’t in the stars for me to even have kids at all. As all these questions swirled around in my head, I knew this much was true. I loved Anya and I wanted her to be happy more than anything. Love was about sacrifice, and if that’s what I had to lose then my life had already been written and was beyond my control. After I amassed these thoughts I then spoke.

“I love kids but I’m almost thirty-eight now. I kind of gave up on that a couple of years ago.” I said. “It’s a non-issue with me.”

“Are you sure? I’d understand.”

“Yes, I’m certain.” I reiterated with the hope maybe down the road she might change her mind. “Please know I don’t want just an affair with you, and I’m not in your life to fill a void in your marriage. I want a relationship with you otherwise I wouldn’t be able to do this.”

“I want a relationship too.” she said. “Do you ever wonder what my life is like at home?”

“All the time. It’s hard not to.” I said surprised that Anya asked me before I could ask her.

“I live a very busy stress filled life.” she said. “I’m constantly on the go. I always have to be on.”

“I’m sure it’s not easy to raise children and help out with a business on top of that.”

“I mean, I do get a paycheck.” she said. “It’s not much but it does help.”

I knew she was busy but I didn’t realize how stressful her life truly was on top of knowing full well she received little help from her husband, and I found it utterly remarkable she was able to find time for me at all. I loved being a part of her life, but I also didn’t want her to kill herself working us in. I knew where I stood, and where I had to stand; behind her kids, and behind her family life for the time being. In fact, I knew I would always be behind her kids and I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. I was really impressed with what she told me about her children and their ability to excel in school; how she put education as a prime importance in their lives. It brought me back to my parents and how hard it was for me to find out what I really wanted to do so I knew how important it was to get kids going in that direction early in their lives and I admired Anya and even her husband for that. If anything, I’m sure it took kids attention away from the stresses of her marriage. I wanted to ask if they could tell if things were wrong at home but with all the activities they appeared to be consumed by, I thought it was a moot point. I was almost certain they had no real idea so I decided to leave it at that. However I was extremely curious about one other thing as I tried to shift away from such a sensitive subject.

“I have to ask you a question.” I said. “I’m curious about something.”

“What are you curious about?”

“You’ll be honest with me? Right?” I said as I felt the alcohol begin to give me wings.

“Of course. I’ll always be honest with you.” she stated.

“Okay I would like to know in your texts.” I paused. “What the “Lv” means.”

“You don’t know?” she smiled.

“I’m not sure.”

“It means I’m falling in love with you.” she said.

I didn’t know what to say. I expected she was but at the same time, after so much belief had turned into disbelief in my life, I wasn’t certain—I just needed to hear it from her face to face. All I could do was gaze into her inviting dark eyes and smile as I savored the moment.

“Well…what are you thinking? Am I the only one here?” she asked.

“I think I’m already there.” I responded.

“You’re in love with me?”

“I think that’s safe to say.” I said. “Please don’t use it against me.”

“Never.”

“Even though the circumstances aren’t perfect right now, the heartfelt truth is this though, it’s really impossible not to love you.”

“What do you think we should do about it?”

“Play a board game, drink some of our favorite wine and talk about it some more?”

“I don’t wanna play a boardgame.” she said as she stood up from her seat.

I then rose from mine, looked down into her eyes, pulled her firmly but gently into me and began to kiss her deeply and intensely. I then ran my hands through her hair and I could hear her moan the more the air was taken from us. She then pulled herself away from my embrace, quickly turned around and reached for my hand from behind her to lead me slowly down past the living room and through my hallway. When she reached my bedroom she stopped and turned to me. I then met her shift in movement with my arms as I skillfully opened the door with her still in them.

I was on the verge of no control. Her scent. Her voice. Her feel. Everything collapsed my entire being into hers. As we entered my room, I picked her up to lay her gently on the bed, and I could tell she was a little surprised my bed was a few feet high. Once upon it we started to remove our clothing, and I tried to catch myself when she started to take off her white pants but I was in love, and I couldn’t hold back as I wanted to see all of her. When I saw her beautiful bare body glowing in the moonlight of my room, I felt like I was caught in the undertow of a crashing wave, but for some reason, I was able to duck under it in time to come untouched on the other side, and as much as I loved what I saw and how much I wanted to feel all of it, I was concerned, but unfortunately, so was she.

“What’s wrong?” she asked.

“Nothing sweetheart.”

“Do I not do it for you?” she asked, with a disappointed gaze.

“Not do it for me?” I laughed. “You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever laid my eyes on.”

“What’s wrong then?”

“Anya, I just don’t want you to think this is something we have to do.” I stated. “I’m in love with you and it’s not about…not about this. I want us to be more than this.”

“But I was told that you’re not in love until you make it.”

“Who told you that?”

“Lance.”

“The romantic singer told you that?”

“Yes.” She replied with sincerity in her eyes. “Aren’t all men like that?”

“No. He’s wrong.” I told her. “I think this is a part of being in love, intimacy…but you’re not in love until you make it isn’t right. You have a lovely body Anya… but I want your heart more.”

“You would still love me if I don’t make love to you?”

“I'm not Lance or even your husband.” I stated, shaking my head and smiling before continuing. “Of course, I would. It’s a lot deeper for me than making it. I love you for who you are. I want this relationship to stand for something. Something you could be proud of, and if it’s just going to be about sex, then you'll never be proud of it, and you'd have the wrong guy.”

“Do you really feel that way?”

“I always have felt that way.” I revealed, putting my hand gently upon her face. “I’m in this for your love. Nothing more. Nothing less.”

“Landyn, there are a lot of things I haven’t told you about my life.”

“Are they bad things?” I asked breathlessly by her sudden confession.

“No, they aren’t bad things.” she said. “Just things.”

“Okay.” I said a little concerned. “Can you tell me one of the things?”

“Well, I went to Rome last summer on a family vacation with the kids.”

“You did did you?” I laughed. “Families do those kinds of things?”

“Yes, they do.” she said. “Just stuff like that.”

“I understand.” I said.

“I love you and…” she said softly. “And I care a lot. More than you know.”

After she spoke I kissed her softy on her lips.

“I feel the same way.” I said. “Anya, I really missed you when you were away. I mean, I missed you a lot. I hope I can see you again soon.”

“December is the only really busy month for me. I’m busy with the business affairs and the household but I will see you more this month. I want to see you more too.”

“I don’t want to take you away from your children though, but I’d like to see you a little more if you’re available. I know I’m way behind them. I know my place in your life. I accept that.”

“They are my everything.”

“Would you ever get remarried again?”

“I would.”

“I’m sorry but my heart asked my mind to ask you that question.” I said. “I think we have something beautiful going on here.”

“I think so too.” she said. “I think there’s a real chance for us.”

My heart just needed some assurance from her. I know she was greatly attracted to me but love was something I had never truly had, and never been able to put any trust in. Even with Anya here in my arms, the first time I had ever shared my bed with someone, I still felt the need for reassurance. This situation was a tough one to trust because the only way I could was when she was here with me, and the only reason I really needed to know was because I had never felt so much for someone before. Anya in just a little over a month’s time had made my heartbreak over Denise seem like a joke. So much so I realized, I had never known what love was until I met her, and it had such a grip on me, I had to face the worst case scenarios head-on because I had already fallen hard into the great abyss but there was so much more below me to fall in, as I knew this time around that falling in love with Anya would either be one of two things, the breath of life for me, or the death of life for me.

After our talk, we held and kissed each other until it was time for her to leave. As I walked her out to the front gate, she told me a little about the CD’s she burned for me.

“I burned you a song called Cannonball.” she said. “It’s my favorite song. It’s on the playlist I included with the CD’s.”

“Who sings it? Anyone I’ve heard of?”

“Damien Rice.” she said. “He has a terrific voice.”

“I look forward to hearing all the songs you burned for me but I’m sure I will especially like that one since it’s your favorite.”

After I walked her to the car she gave me a long hug and a kiss good-bye with the promise she would visit again soon. When I got back inside my apartment I grabbed the playlist and found the CD which had the song Cannonball on it. I listened to the song but googled the lyrics so I could read them along with the music. The lyrics of the song were moving and I could see why the song resonated with her as over and over again I read the lyrics.

“Stones taught me to fly

Love – it taught me to lie

Life – it taught me to die

So it’s not hard to fall

When you float like a cannonball.”

The more I read them, the more my analytical mind began to churn as if to gaze upon all the stars in the night sky to wonder what constellation they each belonged to as I tried to figure out if there was something she was trying to tell me but lacked the strength to do so.