“The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible.”
~ Albert Einstein
10:26 a.m.
“Good morning!”
Even though I hardly slept, I felt even worse as her late morning text fed my hopeless emotions. I then imagined she returned home from last night’s celebration and went to bed late because she had sex with him early into the morning hours. I really tried to look at the glass half full, but every time I attempted to I only felt more like half the fool. As thoughts of the most profound mental anguish I ever experienced consumed me, I realized it could be the product of my fatigue, fear and worry so I wished her a good morning and good luck with her baby shower.
I sent her a text at noon to tell her I hoped the shower was going well, and usually she responded fairly quick but two hours passed and no word. I then began to visualize the scene with the man who cheated on her several times being introduced by her to people at the shower which in turn sparked a conversation about the great night they had celebrating their fifteenth wedding anniversary, as if the marriage was a great source of pride for both of them. The more I thought of this scenario, the more these destructive thoughts inflamed and ripped me apart from the inside out. I understood the things she did for their kids, but anything she did for him, for their marriage, I struggled with. On this particular day, I had my hands up as I surrendered to the possibility of these events unable to move out of bed to even eat.
4:23 p.m.
“Thank you baby! Party is still going! I love you!”
Even though her text arrived over four hours later, it contained a healing power as it helped relax my unforgiving fatigued mind.
I decided to not text her the rest of the day as I worried about distracting her. She then contacted me later that evening.
9:48 p.m.
“Hi! How was ur day? Just got out of the movies. I took the kids to see “Get Smart.” It was good! Very funny! I laughed a lot! Katie said I laughed too loud! How embarrassing! You should c it! Maybe you can c it while you’re in Hesperia? I miss u!”
I tried to hide it, to tuck the pain away, but it gnawed at me all day, and I finally gave way because it was in my face. Here I was at home, on a Sunday, an off day, unable to move, sick to my stomach about her celebratory weekend, and here she was, after she partied all weekend, threw a baby shower and capped it off with a movie. There was absolutely nothing wrong with the way she spent her Sunday, but it just struck a nerve in me because of the clandestine nature of her Friday and Saturday night. With a troubled mind and a heart that ached for her, I could no long hold back my fear.
ME: “Happy to hear you enjoyed the show. I miss u too. I had a rough day. I don’t want to lie to you about it.”
ANYA: “R u ok?”
ME: “I’m ok. I just had a hard time sleeping last night. In fact, I didn’t sleep at all.”
ANYA: “Why?”
ME: “To be honest, it just felt like you were out with your husband last night on a date.”
ANYA: “It was not like that! I don’t want to get into it rt now. I’m tired. I’m sorry you had a hard day. I’m sorry about our situation. I’m just sorry.”
ME: “Ok. I think I just need to get some rest.”
ANYA: “I’m going to say goodnight. Sleep well baby. I love you.”
ME: “Goodnight. I love you too.”
I succumbed to another sleepless night as my erratic negative thoughts remained unresolved and bred while a disdain for myself swelled within because I hated to mention anything to her. I didn’t want her to be affected in any way in fear her kids would take notice, but on this night I was more human than hero. To imagine her with another man, especially him of all people, didn’t just break my heart but terrorized my mind as I wondered how she could give this man any piece of herself after all we’ve shared and after all she communicated to me about him. This uneasy feeling nestled so uncomfortably within me that I knew the next day was going to be an eventful one in our relationship as this perceived weekend celebration put me up against the ropes. I had to find a way to let her know without giving her something to grasp that dinners with him were now especially tough on me. It was bad enough I knew she still shared the same bed, but I didn’t need another mental burden on my plate for I had enough on my heart when she wasn’t with me. I began to realize for the first time, my love was at a point that I was bound to her in my mind. Although I was physically in my lonely apartment, my soul was with her at her home, and even if I was physically in Bangladesh or any other part of the world, my true self would still be in Dana Point; my love for her omnipresent.
Before we started our day, she sent me a text early that Monday morning.
7:46 a.m.
“Good morning! Hope you slept well! Would u like to talk later? Let me know and I’ll find a time to talk after work. Have a great day!”
ME: “Good morning! I didn’t sleep very well last night either. I hope you slept well. It’s not worth talking about. Have a great day too!”
ANYA: “I’m sorry. Exactly what did you think happened Saturday night? I didn’t feel good at all and didn’t have a good time if you must know. It was a dinner planned w/people.”
ME: “No worries, babe. I’m sorry to hear you didn’t have a good time. I hope you’re feeling better.”
Anya didn’t seem to understand how the façade of her marriage left me to feel at times as she missed the point of my concern. It didn’t make me feel any better to hear she wasn’t feeling well and didn’t have a good time because I wanted her to feel well and have a good time. My issue was strictly about honesty and perception because a planned dinner with people was still a planned dinner date with her husband as a couple. Could she at least be genuine enough to illicit the perception she’s not happily married taking into consideration I’m in her life now? It brought me pain to know she continued to live her life in the same fashion as if I wasn’t a part of it. When I began to think of her kids however, and how this dinner was probably an extension of the façade for their sake, I found understanding as I felt a little better but there still existed an unknown variable to this equation. As much as it hurt me to adapt to the façade, I also tried against my authentic nature to tolerate it because I knew what was at stake for both of us.
Two hours later as I gazed outside my office window lost in a multitude of thoughts, she text me again.
9:46 a.m.
“When you say “worth talking about” does this stem from anger? R we worth talking about? Don’t u want to talk to me if you’re not happy about something?”
ME: “I wouldn’t say it stems from anger but more from disappointment. We don’t have to talk about it. It’s okay.”
ANYA: “I would love to talk to you but if u think it’s not a good idea then we don’t have to. It was just a dinner to try a new restaurant. Do u want to take a break and have some time to think? I love u to death and it’s killing me. I’m dying inside.”
ME: “Can I call u at six?”
ANYA: “Yes, babe.”
I feared to give her something to grasp but I also feared to be dishonest about how I felt. It wouldn’t be fair to her if I didn’t communicate my feelings when she showed me how much she cared about them. Whenever she was with me, by my side, I felt secure, and sacred. When she was home though, outside of my arms, I felt insecure, a dirty secret. I understood I couldn’t put her in a spot to be found out, and in that sense the dinners were a necessary evil. My concerns were simply this. Was she telling me one thing and then taking the stance “If he doesn’t know he can’t be hurt by it, but if he asks me then I will be honest with him.”? If that was the case, then I felt my heart was in play. I needed authenticity from her more than anything. I needed to know she was real at home, now. Not exposed, just real so I felt real. I knew she had to put on an act for the kids, I didn’t want to change that but I needed her act around him to change just a tiny bit to hold my low self-esteem at bay. Whatever she did for and with the kids, I understood. The things she did for and with him, for their marriage, I had a hard time understanding as I needed to find a way to separate the two.
As I sat in my office while I wondered how I would present my concern to her without giving her something to grasp when we talked later and entirely unfocused on the heavy workload on my plate this week, the most unexpected visitor suddenly appeared at my door.
“Oh, this here is Landman’s office?” resounded a stern yet distinct voice. “You give your associates their own offices huh? Your firm must be doing well.”
“Good morning, Mr. Caiaphas.” I said as I rose to acknowledge him and to extend a hand shake. “It’s nice to see you again. What brings you by today?”
“Mr. Caiaphas has been gracious enough to put us in contact with an acquaintance of his who will help design our new work spaces.” Informed Clyde Kirchner who stood next to the slicked back dark haired, navy blue suit and red tie clad real estate mogul-politician Jackson Caiaphas. “We’re remodeling the entire office. New furniture. The works.”
“Well, well, well Landman.” he said as he shook my hand then ventured inside my office space to look around. “Quite the quaint workspace you have here. My god, where are the pictures of your lovely family? Certainly you must have some in here. Am I mistaken?”
“Oh no, Mr. Caiaphas. You’re not mistaken. I’m not married nor do I have any children. Maybe one day.” I laughed.
“That’s a shame.” he said. “So you work for yourself.”
“At the moment, I must say so.”
“That’s okay for some people I guess.” he said as he now scrutinized the view outside my large office window. “My office is at least ten times this size, and it’s full of many amenities with a nice view as well but it’s also adorned with family photos. I’m really proud of what I’ve built. A family is the only thing worth working for, if you ask me. Anything else is a show of egocentricity.”
“I can’t say I’m not envious, Mr. Caiaphas. Not having a family at this point in my life definitely wasn’t by design, I can assure you. In fact, quite the opposite.” I said surprised by his candidness. “I can certainly appreciate your great sense of pride though.”
“Indeed.” he said almost lost in his own train of thought as he turned to Clyde. “I’m sure my acquaintance, William Strahey, will be able to plan, design and implement a more than suitable new work space area for you here. I’ll put him in touch with you.”
“I look forward to hearing from him.” said Clyde as they both turned to exit my office.
“Good to see you again. Thanks for stopping by. Have a nice day.” I said.
“Good day, Landman.” he said then turned to Clyde just before his complete exit. “Maybe a cubicle is more suitable for an associate wouldn’t you agree? You can use this office for storage purposes or for the server…it’s not like you have to take anything down in here. Something to think about.”
As Mr. Caiaphas left my office, I dug my hands deep into my pockets as I took inventory of my office space, or lack of in what he observed and all I could do was acknowledge how far I fell short in my life in comparison. He owned a multitude of commercial real estate and was renown throughout the entire State of California as a successful businessman and councilman for the city of San Francisco. So successful in fact, next year a seat on the House of Representatives was a foregone conclusion. There was no doubt he would be a future decorated member of Congress; a model politician who went from local to state to federal stardom. Everyone saw his professional achievements but to me, the accomplishment that held the most value was the one he cherished the most, the commitment to his wife and family. The pride he took in those gifts alone was where I measured his true greatness. Whether he called me Landman or not, or whether he belittled my associate status, or if he thought I didn’t deserve an office, my respect for him lied in the way he loved his wife and kids; how he recognized those things as the springboard to his success. To me, that’s what made him revered, efficacious, and worthy of emulation. I believed every other success that followed was because of what he truly valued in life, above all. Above commercial real estate. Above power. Above control. Above himself. The love and honor he held for his wife and family.
With Jackson Caiaphas as my inspiration, I gave Anya a call after work to discuss my issue over the weekend. I was going to be honest but also let her know, it was no big deal. I was just hurt by it at the time, but I was over it as I had to find a way not to give her any more grief about it.
“Hi babe, how are you?” I asked when she answered on the very first ring.
“I’m okay. How are you?” she asked.
“I’m okay. Had a long day at work.”
“Sorry you had to work today.”
“Just one of those days babe. It just dragged and dragged.” I said. “I’m sorry for letting my mind get the best of me over the weekend. I hope you’re okay. I’m okay.”
“It’s okay. I’m fine. I hope you are too. I miss you terribly. I’m sorry I hurt you. I didn’t mean to.”
“I know Sweetheart. I think I hurt myself sometimes.” I said. “I miss you terribly too. I just didn’t understand why you never mentioned it to me during the week, and then I didn’t know what to think.”
“When we first started seeing each other, I told you I can’t make it difficult for me back home. I have to live there. So I can’t have dinner anymore with friends?”
“I understand and it’s not that at all, babe. I want you to go out to dinner with your friends. That’s not what affected me.” I said. “The fact is you’re seeing me, and sometimes I have a hard time when you plan things as if you’re not seeing me. It makes me feel like you’re denying my existence. It feels like you keep living your life like I’m not a part of it nor am I ever going to be a part of it yet I feel you’ve done everything to make me feel a part of it. Does that make sense?”
“Denying your existence? Wow! Don’t know what to say to that.”
“I know it’s not easy for you to understand, but I think if you were on this end, and let’s say I’m going out with my wife to dinner with friends, a person I told you terrible things about that allowed you to feel so much for me, I think you would understand why I felt the way I did. It just hurt, Anya because I want to be the one out to dinner with you and your friends. Since you weren’t feeling well, could you have told them you were going to pass on dinner? Is there any way you could try to scale back on the façade of your marriage just a little?”
“I don’t think what I say at this point is going to matter.” she said softly.
“I guess it depends on what you have to say, babe.” I said. “Or if you feel we’re worth it.”
“I’m so sorry. I want to cry because I don’t want to hurt you anymore.” she said. “I wish I could hold you and take the pain away. I love you with all my heart. I love you more than you know. I’ve risked everything to take a chance with you.”
“I love you with all my heart too, that’s why it affected me. I don’t want you to stop doing the things you have to do. I know I have to understand most of it, but the things you do with and for your husband is what I struggle with, and I have to be honest about it.” I said. “I don’t know but maybe, just maybe, “everything” isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be, babe.”
When I told her “maybe everything isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be” I meant it in the sense that money and things maybe weren’t as important as love. I never meant it in the sense she could ever lose her children or their understanding as I did not factor them in as part of the “everything” equation because I believed they were fear based not reality based concerns. More than anything though, my statement came with a hint of low self-esteem because again, I felt I was just a normal man who truly loved her and truly believed marriages were more than realistic. I felt there was nothing incredible about me as I felt I held a point of view most people did especially when they made their marriage vows. Loving her for the rest of my life was just a realistic and true scenario because I yearned so much to be with her even beyond the end of our earthly lives.
“I understand. I have to go, babe. Thanks for calling me. Have a goodnight.”
“Okay. Thanks for listening. Have a goodnight.” I told her.
As I shut off my cell phone, I had no idea what the outcome was of our phone conversation. If she couldn’t tone down the façade somewhat then how could we survive? I kept having hiccups and went from the highest of highs when we were together to the lowest of lows when we were apart as the unknown variable ate me alive. I completely understood she couldn’t make life difficult for herself at home, she had to live there but she never told me that in the beginning. She communicated to me that all I had to do was sweep her off her feet and she would be with me, but again I wanted her to come into a great situation so I understood her current status but at this point I felt after all the love she had shown me it wasn’t unreasonable for me to expect her to change her life just a little to acknowledge my presence in her life, one she allowed and encouraged to exist. It was now clear this is why she asked me to fight; to trust in her love for times such as this when the unknown variable attacked me from all angles, but I didn’t know she also meant she was going to live her life regularly with me so deeply a part of it. Again, there was a very fine line because I feared her being exposed, and I had to trust she had a plan. I had to trust she loved me enough to have one, and I really believed she did. I guess we were on somewhat of a break because of the summer so maybe that was where her suggestion came from, but my love for her feared to lose her and that’s where my pain derived from; fear. One thing I began to quickly learn, in a situation like ours with love this deep, confusion and frustration easily mounted, as I believed by suggesting a break she hoped to stave those emotions off. I had been through them before on V-Day, her trip to Tenerife, and on Memorial Day, but this felt different because it was her wedding anniversary, a statement of her marriage to others. I worried about her though. I worried about her being sad and susceptible around her kids and around him, so I decided to try harder to deal with the sadness I felt. If she hurt when I did, I truly believed the love in her heart for me would bring us together.
The next morning, uncertain about the status of our relationship, she text me with news of her weekend plans.
7:46 a.m.
“Good morning. Didn’t sleep much. Katie has dress rehearsals all week. This coming weekend is her recital weekend. I can’t c u this weekend, will be working backstage all weekend. Last show is Sunday night.”
ME: “Good morning. Sorry to hear you didn’t sleep well. I didn’t as well. No worries, we’ll see each other again when you can work it out.”
ANYA: “Wish u can come and see a show. She’s one of the main characters! It should be good. I miss you. I love you. R u mad at me?”
When she asked me if I was mad at her, I felt awful. I was hurt, no question, but I wasn’t mad at her because I loved her enough to understand her situation. I just wanted to let her know how it made me feel and how I felt it could be remedied. I felt even bad mentioning it to her, but I wanted to be honest. Disappointed; yes. Mad; no.
ME: “I’m not mad at you Sweetheart. I miss you and love you too. I would love to come watch your daughter perform. Maybe I can catch her last show on Sunday?”
ANYA: “R u sure? Sunday show is actually an afternoon show which is done around 5:30ish. I wouldn’t recommend that show b/c the dancers are tired by then and they don’t have a good cast. I can send u a tix for Sat night. Won’t be able to c u though b/c I’ll be backstage.”
ME: “I’m just honored you would invite me. Thank you!”
ANYA: “Ok. I’ll tell you the details later. Andrew and his Dad won’t be there b/c of an All-Star game. I will send u the tix in tomorrow’s mail. I miss u. I love u.”
ME: “I miss u. I love u, too. Do I have to dress up? Should I wear a suit?”
ANYA: “No, not at all. Ur just there to see a friend’s kid. Totally casual!”
ME: “Ok, sounds like the plan for Sat!”
ANYA: “U don’t have to. I didn’t expect u to. It’s a children’s ballet. It’s sweet of you but u might find it boring.”
ME: “I could use a little culture in my life! I’m sure I will enjoy it babe. Just give me the details when you have time to. No rush.”
ANYA: “Ha! Ok! I will send you two tickets so u can change seats if u don’t like the person you’re sitting next to (loud, sweating, heavy breathing, etc.)”
ME: “Ha ha! I will be on the lookout for my tix then! Thanks babe.”
ANYA: “The show starts with a variety of dances and then will go into a ballet called “Coppelia (dancing doll)”. Katie will be in 7 dances including dancing as Coppelia.”
ME: “Oh wow! It sounds like she’s the star of the show! I really look forward to seeing her perform! Ok, babe. Send me the details when you get a chance. Chat later!”
ANYA: “If u get a program u can see which dances she’s in. I can also text u which ones if u want. Show starts promptly at 7:30.”
ME: “I’ll be sure to grab a program! You don’t have to text me the songs, I know how busy you are and I’ll have the program. 7:30 sharp. I will be there! Thanks again, babe. Talk to you later!”
ANYA: “I love you forever.”
ME: “I love you forever. Xoxo!”
ANYA: “Dancing in the Streets, The Chase, Block it Out, Stairway to Heaven, Ballroom Blitz, Michael Jackson Mix, Paper Dolls, and her Coppelia solo. I guess she’s in eight numbers. Those r the songs. Pretty much in order. It’s best to get the program. Makes it easier.”
The tale has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.
ME: “You’re too damn cute. I’ll get the program too. I just hope it has a picture of Katie in it so I’ll know what she looks like! Ha!”
ANYA: “Ha! I doubt it does and it will be hard to tell because of all the group dances but just look for the girl who looks like me!”
I had no idea what I had just agreed to, but this was undoubtedly second in honor to her admission of wanting to have a child with me. I found her invite to be a huge statement about her feelings for me, and also mine for her. Even when she asked me to attend not only a ballet, but a children’s ballet I never felt an ounce of dread or indecision. It’s one thing to tell someone you love them. People do it all the time. It was the easiest thing to do, but this actually showed me how much she did. Her love at times snuck up on me in the most beautifully deceptive ways as she proved to me she knew love must first become a verb before it becomes a noun. She wanted me to know her kids as much as I possibly could, and to share the detail of their lives with me because she wanted me to feel I was a part of her life as much as possible. They were an extension of her I adored, and even though I couldn’t see her, she wanted me there to experience moments she had with her kids as if we were together, and it resonated louder than an asteroid meeting the earth. The real beauty in this though lied in what I told her the previous night about how I felt I didn’t exist. Without my knowledge, she took note when she told me there was nothing she could say about that as she realized she could only show me, and did she ever. Through Anya, I never believed love this strong existed, but like some powerful supernova light years away we never really feel or see, we do know it exists. To actually feel it though, and for her to show it in this way, it just didn’t matter if I saw her because I knew she was there; her love like the supernova; too powerful not to be.
Later that evening, she text me as she was out with Carolyn and Debbie for a spill.
7:46 a.m.
“How r u? Just left C & D and am now picking up Andrew from practice and then off to Katie’s rehearsal till 10! How r u?”
ME: “I’m good! That’s a full day right there. Please be safe out there. How r u?”
ANYA: “I’m good. How do u feel about us today?”
ME: “I feel better about us today. I’m sorry for having hard time. Sometimes, the missing just gets the best of me. I just wanted to be honest with you about it. If we’re not honest with each other, we don’t stand a chance. I don’t want us to take a break from each other.”
ANYA: “I understand. I’m glad we talked the other night. U lost your cool because you can only take so much. Again I don’t know how u do it. It’s hard for me and I can’t imagine what it’s like for u. I was very sad when I got off the phone with you but it was a better day yesterday. I decided I wasn’t going to carry all the guilt. If it was meant to be it was meant to be. I’m just in love.”
ME: “I’m sorry if I made you feel guilty. The things you do for him and with him, hurt me, but I know you have to keep that mask on right now. Your happiness is what keeps me going. I really care about your happiness. I think it’s important for your long-term well-being, and I’m willing to even sacrifice my own because I love you. I believe in one day. I believe in us. I believe in our love as much as you do, if not more.”
ANYA: “Your happiness means a lot to me too. I’m not a bad person even though I question it these days. I never planned on meeting you and falling in love.”
ME: “Sweetheart, my love, you are the most beautiful person I’ve ever known. It’s not your fault your husband left you to feel this way. It’s not your fault this happened. We’re only about goodness here because this is all about love, nothing less. We both didn’t plan on this, but I’ve come to realize we aren’t in control of this as much as we think we are. This was somehow planned years before we knew each other by something far greater than us. Something we can’t see, but only feel. If your husband had been faithful, had actually been a husband, then yes, I think we would be doing a bad thing, we’d both be bad people, but this is about love, nothing less. You deserve that more than anyone because it means so much to you, otherwise I wouldn’t exist in your life. This is about a higher being’s plans, not ours. We just happened to run into our destiny at the same time.”
ANYA: “I hope we can be somewhat logical given the circumstances and see where it goes. I have to be a mom first and I can’t break down now. I have to be there.”
ME: “I understand. Completely.”
ANYA: “I don’t know much. I can’t promise much but my love right now. If u will still have me this way without any promises I am willing to try again to c where it goes.”
I didn’t expect a promise from her right now because it simply was not the right time, and I trusted she loved me enough to promise me when the time was right based on her promise to me when we decided to see each other. She couldn’t live without me as much as I couldn’t live without her, and when I could disclose my partnership promotion next year to her when it became official, that was when I expected her promise. Even though I deserved a promise now because she told me if she fell in love with me, she would be with me, the time was not right. I had to at least pass the test of the summer, and I owed that to her. If she truly loved me, and I believed she did, the promise would come naturally. She needed to be there for her kids and I realized what I shared with her about my feelings incapacitated her. She didn’t want to appear to be sad in front of them and she couldn’t. She had to be there. She had to be a mom first. If I let her do that, again, the promise would come. I just couldn't tell at times if she was being a wife too and needed her to unblur that perception for me.
ME: “I believe a promise will eventually come when the time is right. I trust you. I’ll be more mindful of your emotions at home. I don’t want us to take a break. I’m sorry.”
ANYA: “It’s ok. I can understand your frustrations. I can tell u this, no matter what happens I have no regrets. Still glad I met you! In the past 7 months I’ve loved, felt, and grown like never before. U made my life full of color and I’ve enjoyed every moment with you. Hope for many more moments!”
ME: “Thank you babe. You’ve done the same for me. I think there are going to be many more moments for us.”
ANYA: “Hope so. I love you.”
ME: “I love you too.”
I saw where her fear came from. It came from emotions she feared to feel for me around her kids. Why the summer would be “interesting” for her. The last thing I wanted was for my feelings to interfere with her duties of being a mother. Next year could be different but this year, I had to be cool, calm and collected. I could not make things difficult on her there with my emotions. Next June, I had a right to feel differently but not now.
I really didn’t know what I had gotten myself into, and I began to worry. I knew nothing about the ballet scene nor any of the stories performed. I was completely ballet illiterate, but thankfully, Anya helped to make me feel at ease during the week.
3:22 p.m.
“I only help out during the annual recital. Once a dancer is invited to be on a competing team the moms are obligated to help out. We have to manage 750 dancers backstage.”
ME: “Are you kidding me? 750 dancers? How is that possible?”
ANYA: “We’re only responsible for our dancers and group. I also have to volunteer all year for other shows and comps. I will be selling t-shirts before the show, obligatory. So u may see me behind the t-shirt booth before the show! I can’t talk to u. I know a lot of people at the theater and “moms” talk. Sorry.”
ME: “There you go, denying my existence again! I’m just kidding babe! Thought I would poke fun at myself. I understand. You know how I feel about that and respect it. I don’t expect to see or talk to you at all, so don’t worry. I don’t know how you do it all. Do I need to work on my ballet lingo so I can strike up some conversation?”
ANYA: “I could never deny your existence! U caught my eye the first night and it hasn’t changed! Ballet lingo? What’s that? I don’t speak ballet!”
It would’ve been nice to see her, to be able to talk to her for a little bit, but I understood it wouldn’t be possible, and even if it was I’d be fearful doing so. I didn’t want to compromise her reputation in front of the other mothers or anyone else at the theater.
When Thursday arrived, the day before the night of the first show, she sent me a text that afternoon to test my ballet attendance resolve and to see if I could handle the façade first hand as fear invaded her consciousness.
12:04 p.m.
“Hi! How r u? I want to make sure ur really ok with going on Sat night. I don’t know if it would be too hard on you to see Katie plus I can’t say anything to you that nite.”
ME: “I’ll be fine, Sweetheart. I’m looking forward to it.”
ANYA: “Ok.”
Not thirty minutes later, she sent me a text to challenge my assurance.
12:32 p.m.
“OMG! I’m so sorry about this! I just got word that our opponent team dropped out of the tournament and that we’ve been awarded the victory via forfeit!”
ME: “Sorry to hear that! Does this mean there won’t be a show on Sat night?”
ANYA: “No, this means Andrew and his Dad will be there on Saturday night. I think this would be too hard and risky. I’m sooo sorry! What do u think? Please don’t hate me!”
ME: “If it’s too hard on you babe to have me there, I understand. I don’t think they know me or what I look like, right?
ANYA: “I meant it would be too hard on u if you saw them. Of course they don’t know u!”
ME: “Would you be interacting with your husband at all?”
ANYA: “Interaction? No, the All-Star game got cancelled so he can go to the show now. Ur take?”
ME: “Maybe it would hurt me if I saw you all interacting with each other. Maybe it’s something I should think about and consider now.”
ANYA: “I understand although there will be very minimal if any interaction.”
ME: “How are we seated? Are we near each other?”
ANYA: “U wouldn’t be seated near them.”
ME: “I should be okay babe.”
ANYA: “R u sure?”
ME: “I’ll be fine.”
ANYA: “I think if u entered before 7:30 and left right away plus not looking for any interaction it would be fine. I’ll be working the entire time. I’ll be working from noon until just before midnight. I’ll look beat up by 7:30 I’m sure! U can glance over at the t-shirt station as u walk in if u want!”
ME: “Let me ask you this, since we both feel the same for each other. Will you be okay knowing I’m there and you can’t see me too?”
ANYA: “Yes, I’ll be fine. I just want to get through this weekend! I better get back to rehearsal! Xoxo!”
When I first received her text, it sounded like she didn’t want me there, and she regretted her invitation to me. I began to feel like some kind of creep because I agreed to go rather than a man who wanted to show his support for the woman he loved. I didn’t feel awkward at all about going until after I received these series of texts, but I also understood where she stood. I broke down on her the other night, it affected her, and she couldn’t afford me to do so now at an event she had to be “on” for. At the end of our textchange however, I felt secure she wanted me there, but I still felt weird about it simply because Katie had no idea who I was. On the surface, Katie’s mother invited a stranger to watch her perform, but the truth was, I was only a stranger to Katie, a person who knew and genuinely cared about Katie’s mother more than her own father did. When I thought of my attendance in that way, I no longer felt strange about it, and just saddened the man her mother loved more than life itself didn’t truly know Katie.
After I thought about everything, I realized all Anya tried to do was put herself in my shoes. How would she feel if I asked her to see my daughter perform in our situation? Anya’s empathetic ways helped mesh and strengthen us. Without her empathy, there was no way we would survive as she knew my being an empath was the reason we discovered our love for each other. It always changed the game for me whenever the empathetic side of Anya, the one unburdened by the hassles of her hectic family life, made an appearance as I always felt secure it would eventually show even under the most stressful conditions.
8:32 p.m.
“Still working baby?”
ME: “Hi babe. Yes. It’s a long night for me. What r u up to?”
ANYA: “Driving Katie to a sleepover. R u ok?”
ME: “I’m fine, Sweetheart. R u ok?”
ANYA: “I miss our closeness.”
ME: “I miss it too. I think it’s why I lost my cool. It just overtakes me, sometimes.”
ANYA: “I really miss u babe.”
ME: “I really miss u too. That’s why I didn’t need a break. Even though I can’t see you on Sat night. To know you’re in the same building as I am, helps me feel better.”
ANYA: “I’ll take u in any form.”
ME: “I was just thinking about the time I saw you when I first walked into Republique our first night in Laguna Beach. I loved the blouse you wore that night. You leveled me that night. I had never felt so much love for someone before the minute I saw you. Do u still have it? I know Debbie accidentally spilled wine on it in Palm Springs.”
ANYA: “Yes, babe. Maybe I should put it on. I ordered another one b/c of u.”
ME: “You look beautiful in everything, but I really loved you in that blouse. I think you should put it on. Did u really buy another one?”
ANYA: “Yes, really. I have two now. U thought I looked beautiful so I bought another. The first one has a faint stain from the girls night out.”
ME: “I look forward to seeing you in it again.”
ANYA: “I look forward to wearing it again for you. I love you. I miss you.”
ME: “You’re such a good person babe. You have the most beautiful thoughts. Don’t ever doubt all the beauty in you. I love you. I miss you too.”
ANYA: “Thank you. I can’t wait to be in your arms again. I think I’m going to turn in early. I’m drained. Goodnight Love. I love you forever.”
ME: “Sweet dreams Beautiful. I love you forever.”
This was the real Anya; the one I knew and fell so hard for. This text series alone helped me to truly believe a promise would come my way from her one day as this was the side of her she could never deny and I could never forget to acknowledge. Whenever she contacted me in this manner, there was zero doubt because her love for me was beyond a doubt. I just needed to somehow calm the storm inside of me and to ride it out when things got hard. When I told Anya I was a “big boy” I meant it. My pain was on me, as I believed her love was too real to ever abandon me because she knew love now. She knew she needed it, and this was all the proof I needed. The truth only I knew that her children, friends and family did not know; her true self only exposed to me.
The next morning, she text me earlier than usual.
5:32 a.m.
“I love you.”
ME: “What a perfect start to my morning. I love you too, babe.”
ANYA: “I love you forever!”
ME: “I love you forever! Did u get a good night’s rest for the big day?”
ANYA: “Yes, I did. This dance thing is draining plus my work and everyday responsibilities!”
ME: “There isn’t a day that goes by that you don’t astonish me. Just please take it easy. Things will get done, babe.”
ANYA: “Do u have the 4th off? If not can u have lunch? I would like to c u. I leave for NY on the 10th w/Katie.”
ME: “I better have the 4th of July off or I’m quitting this job! I would love to c u too babe so just let me know what time works best for you.”
ANYA: “Ok good! I have to run! Tennis for Andrew and have to work before the recital call time! I love you! Let me know if you have any questions about tom nite!”
I really didn’t know how she did it all. The more I saw how busy she was though, the more I fought to not let my feelings get in the way of her only true happiness in life. It was more than clear she needed our love, and she truly needed me. I truly believed without me or us in her life, the stress would one day devour her regardless of how many half marathons she ran and how well she ate. With this knowledge, I refused to let her go down that road.
Later that morning, she sent me a text that provided more evidence of what I had now become cognizant about.
11:03 a.m.
“Hi. July 4th is Andrew’s B-day and now I don’t think I can get away. Just picked him up and he has a list of things he would like to do.”
ME: “I can’t believe I have to play second fiddle to your son now! Just kidding babe! Of course, no worries!”
ANYA: “Ha! I love u! R u at your Irvine office all day Thursday? Can u get away to meet me on Thursday? Sorry for the inconvenience.”
ME: “Of course. No inconvenience whatsoever. I want to see you too. I had no idea it was your son’s birthday. Surprised you were able to make any plans on that day. Thanks for trying, though.”
ANYA: “Well his birthday party is two weeks after so I thought he was ok w/just hanging around in the morning. Guess not…how silly of me!”
ME: “You silly girl. Thanks for letting me know. Can’t wait for Thursday!”
ANYA: “Me too! I miss us. Well, on my way to the performing arts center. What time are you heading home tonight?”
ME: “I’m out of here at six tonight. I miss us too. Have a great night. I’m sure everything will go well. I love u.”
ANYA: “Thank u. I love u too.”
She told me the other night “I love you more than u know” but those were just words, but they were truly significant as her texts represented the consistency I sought; the truth behind her words now evident. For her to try and make plans to see me on her son’s birthday, of all days, was the “and” statement I fought for her to recognize when it came to us and her children. Not only was she willing to “try” again, but she also tried to understand how I felt without a single word uttered. She acknowledged my pain, and that’s exactly what love did; she truly felt my pain too, and when I sensed that I felt safe enough to fall even deeper.
As her day trudged on, even at a time I surely never expected to hear from her because it was the opening night of her daughter’s dance recital, her consistent show of love continued.
6:00 p.m.
“Have a safe drive home! Xoxo!”
It was so subtle, no one, not even myself saw it coming even at a point when her love for me was like an elephant who tried to hide behind a pole. She asked me earlier what time I left work because she wanted to show me she loved me more than I knew as her love now found ways to not only penetrate my heart, but my entire soul. If our love was a garden she not only maintained it but performed major landscaping, and it had never looked more beautiful.
Later that evening, she surprised me one last time.
10:14 p.m.
“Hi! Emotional nite. The show is approximately 3 hrs. You’ll see all levels of dancers. All dancers from the studio get to perform to be fair. You’ll be able to pick out the beginners from the advanced dancers. They try to mix them up. Can get boring. They pass out programs as you walk in. Have I scared u off yet?”
ME: “Ha! Never! Thanks for all the info babe. You must be exhausted. How did Katie do?”
ANYA: “Katie is doing well. She did well as Coppelia! Almost leaving. Goodnight! Miss u, love u!”
ME: “Goodnight! Miss u, love u too!”
On the day of the recital, I wasn’t sure how to feel. I was really excited about it; the woman I loved more than life itself wanted me to be a part of her daughter’s special day, and here lied my opportunity to show her I was all in and it was us “and” the kids. To show her they were a bonus package and not baggage in any way shape or form. That her kids were a part of the equation that equaled my love for her. However, I felt awkward as well because there would be a stranger to Katie at her performance who came to see her on stage in particularly. What got me past this discomfort was the undeniable fact Anya’s gesture represented the ultimate sense of trust in me as her love shone brighter than ever to match up with the ultimate show of disdain for her husband.
I really didn’t know how I would feel at the show. I didn’t know if I would be affected when I saw Katie, or how I would feel if I saw her husband and Andrew, as I sensed Anya probably feared she could lose me to any negative emotions I felt. That it would all be too much for me, but as fear blinded her to reality she forgot one thing, I loved her dearly. Other than the façade of her marriage, nothing was too much for me, but I couldn’t blame her for being afraid to lose our closeness, something she wanted to know she missed terribly, because of a past with a man she trusted with her life who gave her the greatest sense of loss and devastated her soul. She realized as much as I did, a part of what connected us like a constellation, that love was a gift never to be taken for granted.
I didn’t know what her husband looked like as the only way I would know was if I saw him interacting with Anya before or after the show. I couldn’t hate the man; he appeared to be a good father, but I also felt with his money it’s easy to be a good father and even easier to hide behind the façade of being a good husband. A vitriol consumed me whenever I thought about the things he did and said to Anya, things a husband should never say or do, things that led her to me. It really took an act of a higher power, someone who fell far short of being a decent human being let alone a decent husband, for me to even consider dating Anya. Not one time did I ever feel our relationship was about “evening the score” because two wrongs didn’t make a right. I rather believed this was the Universe coming to our aid to bring two people who were truly made for each other, both natural empaths, together; the way it was supposed to be. It was just my turn to get off the bench and come into the game, the Lou Gehrig moment of my life. For a man to cheat on his wife while she was pregnant, in the process wrecking another man’s marriage, and then cheating on her again remorselessly even after that summoned the winds of change in my direction. No other man could understand her pain as much as I did because I also experienced it in another facet. I believed most women in her position at the time with no one to lean on would have stayed in that kind of emotionally abusive relationship, but I also thought most women who had fallen in love with another man after so much turmoil, would have left by now. My theory was simply this; there lurked something I didn’t know, either about him or their marriage. I felt however, it was too late in the game to question her because my heart was in all the way, but at the same time I knew my nature to search for the truth in things would lead me to eventually learn what it was that kept her there. Why her closest friends who knew of our relationship, who supported it in some way, did not know the truth about him.
Ten minutes before the show began, as I walked inside the performance arts center, people of all ages strode briskly by me, and it shocked me to see at least a couple thousand people stood just inside the theater’s atrium. As I ventured further inside, I was handed a program and then detected a large t-shirt booth just twenty yards away from me. As I looked further, with my heart more than my eyes, the love of my life came into view as she held a cup of coffee and conversed with another mom behind the t-shirt stand. My eyes absorbed her for five seconds as time stood still, my missing both realized and pacified, before fear kicked in as I swiftly broke my gaze to begin my entry into the auditorium. Just before I whisked by the booth though, with our connection on full display, out of the corner of my eye I caught Anya turn around in my direction. To save her from exposure, I did not meet her eyes, but I could tell she got lost for a few seconds just like I did. As I walked inside to find my seat, it was impossible not to smile simply because it felt good to know she knew I was there; that my love for her extended past the safety of my apartment and the phone.
When I found my seat, I noticed I was positioned right in the middle of the theater about fifteen rows from the stage. I then sat down and perused the program to refresh my memory what songs would be performed as the only ones I had heard before were “Ballroom Blitz”, “Stairway to Heaven” and probably the entire “Michael Jackson mix”. The night before the show I also googled the story of “Coppelia” as I learned it was actually a comic ballet that told the story of Dr. Coppelius who created a life size dancing doll, so life like, a boy, Franz, becomes infatuated with it even leaving his true heart’s desire, Swanhilda, to deal with his sudden crush. I also read “Coppelia” first appeared way back in the year eighteen seventy, and was the most performed ballet at that time. I thought it was a very cute story as I didn’t know there were any comedic elements in ballet, but it made me quickly understand for Katie to land the role of Coppelia, the dance center thought very highly of her as a dancer, but I also knew through her mother she worked extremely hard on dancing after school nearly every evening, and if anyone deserved the role of Coppelia, Katie certainly did.
The show started on time at seven-thirty as the first two songs were performed by a group of very young girls anywhere between three and five years of age, but when the third song “Block it Out” came on, the group of female performers each looked at least ten to twelve years old and more experienced. I searched for Katie but it was difficult to tell the girls apart because they all wore the same red uniform, and had their hair pulled back. I began to resign to the fact, a half hour into the show I probably wouldn’t be able to single out Katie until her Coppelia number, but right in my direct line of sight, as if a light shone down right on this particular performer, stood a girl dressed in red who, like her mother pointed out earlier this week, looked a lot like her. As Katie faced me with a smile on her face, a smile of great familiarity, one broke upon mine as well because I couldn’t help but laugh at the resemblance. Katie looked so much like Anya, I thought it was Anya, and I almost felt tricked. As I watched her perform, I could quickly tell from her form, the degree of difficulty and the gracefulness she carried with such a professional demeanor, she was far more advanced than all the other dancers. For her to perform in front of at least what had to be ten thousand people, as if no one was here in the theater, left me breathlessly impressed. She shone in the spotlight so easily at just twelve years of age, it made me realize she exhibited more poise in this moment alone than I ever did and I had thirty-seven years worth of moments to choose from.
As I continued to watch her dance, I began to feel a little creepy as it seemed her eyes were focused in my direction, almost as if she knew who I was. At times her gaze upon me seemed so focused, I had to look away because I felt like I betrayed her trust as I even snuck a few glances around me to see if anyone noticed I was the fish out of water. At the same time though, the look on her face appeared to be one of comfort, as if she expected me to be there, even happy that I was. An hour into the show though, and the more I watched her dance, the more I felt comfortable with her gazes as I realized it was just the manner in which she was taught to perform. As she executed her final number, her solo act as Coppelia, the craziest thing happened as I unexpectedly felt a great sense of pride, like she was my own daughter. I then fought back tears when I thought of how proud Anya must have felt at this very moment as she watched her own daughter perform in front of so many people flawlessly as they all laughed and cheered for her. I just had a deep appreciation for people who worked hard and to see Katie’s hard work culminate into this great moment for her, for her parents, it was hard for me not to be affected by such a sense of fulfillment; a triumph I couldn’t begin to explain, a missing element from my own life I got to experience through Anya. When she told me it was an emotional moment for her right after the first show, I never realized I’d be overcome with the same feeling. Knowing all the driving around Anya did back and forth to the dance studio every night to make this wonderful moment a reality just hit home within me, as I truly felt the same sense of pride Anya did, and she wasn’t even my daughter.
When the show finished at ten, I vowed to find a way out of there without seeing any interaction between her husband and the kids like I promised her, but at ten sharp before I could even get out of my seat, Anya sent me a text.
10:00 p.m.
“Hi! R u still here?”
ME: “I’m still here! Just letting this place empty out a little before I go.”
ANYA: “How r u? Thanks for coming!”
ME: “I’m good! Thanks for inviting me! You should be so proud. Katie was great! Very impressive!”
ANYA: “Thank u!”
ME: “I picked her out pretty easily. She looks totally like you! I saw her for the first time in the song before “Stairway to Heaven.””
ANYA: “Really? Were you able to notice her in all of the numbers?”
ME: “In all of them after that song before “Stairway to Heaven.”. Like you said, she looks just like you! Beautiful girl!”
ANYA: “Thank u! Have to go and help! Thanks again for coming baby! So sweet of u! Goodnight sweets! I love you!”
ME: “I enjoyed the show! Thanks again for inviting me and sending me tickets! Goodnight! I love you too!”
Right after we stopped texting I could do nothing but smile as I put my phone back into my pocket. I noticed the place had emptied out considerably, but before exiting the theater I recognized someone who stood near the stage. It took me a just a few more seconds to realize this man in the suit and tie, was none other than Jackson Caiaphas. When I realized it was him, I felt inclined to say a quick hello to him, but I didn’t want to break my promise to Anya I’d leave the theater right when the show ended. As I began to walk away a bit torn, Debbie who was just two rows behind, called out to me.
“Hey!” she shouted. “Landyn!”
“Oh hey, Debbie! I had no idea you were here. How are you?”
“I’m good. How are you? Did you enjoy the show?” she asked.
“I sure did. Katie was terrific. She’s really good.” I said.
“Wasn’t she something else?”
“I was super impressed."
“Were you able to see Mrs. Caiaphas?”
“Pardon me?” I asked, unsure of what she asked me.
“Did you see Mrs. Caiaphas at all?”
“Mrs. Caiaphas?” I questioned. “I don’t even know who that…”
“You didn’t?” she asked incredulously “Not at all tonight?”
Succumbing to the significance of her query, I slowly turned to the stage, witnessing the reason behind Jackson Caiaphas’s appearance at Katie’s recital—why he wasn’t at his son’s All-Star game.
“My apologies, Debbie. Yes. Yes, I did.” I backtracked, holding in my disbelief and grief. “I saw her behind the t-shirt booth before I walked in.”
I then took one last glance toward the stage and there I saw the interaction, minimal, but at the same time, never more substantial.