“Steps taken forwards but sleepwalking back again, dragged by the force of some inner tide.”

~ “The Division Bell” Pink Floyd

9:32 a.m.

“Good morning! Did you get some sleep? Woke up this morning wishing I was in your arms. Miss you sooo much. Thank you again for dinner and wine. I had a great time!”

Through just a simple text, Anya seemed to always take the words out of my heart before they could find an exit through my mouth. I’ve lived my entire life hoping one day someone could feel the same way I did for them. Even with all that dreaming, I never dreamt someone would feel the exact same way, and would be brave enough to express it before I had a chance to. I believed that kind of love existed for others just not for me, but here it was. Proud and near; Loud and clear.

ME: “Good morning! I slept well thanks to you. I woke up wishing you were in them. I miss you too. You’re most welcome. I’m glad you liked it and had a great time! I had a great time as well. Thank you for coming. I think we have a beautiful thing going on.”

ANYA: “It’s scary but exciting! I didn’t think I had it in me to feel this way. You felt so good last night!”

ME: “You felt good too and looked so beautiful last night. It was hard to see you leave.”

ANYA: “Thank you. I just teared up. Just not fair sometimes.”

ME: “What’s your schedule like? Would love to see you again soon.”

ANYA: “I’m open the 15th or the 18th.”

ME: “Sounds good to me! The 15th works best for me. It will give me some time to get over this cold I have and keep you from getting it! I really hope you don’t come down with anything. Thank you again for the CD’s. Very sweet of you.”

ANYA: “You’re most welcome! The play list is eclectic! I get tired of them and change up my play list often. I’m not worried about getting sick, worth it! The 15th it is!”

I listened to the songs Anya had burned for me on my way to work. On my way home. At night when I wrote in my journal. In the morning before I got ready for work. The style of music was not something I had listened to in the past. In fact, I would have never admitted a fondness for it before I met her, but now her songs spoke the words my heart could never say as they provided a window into all the love I felt for her. I became engrossed in them because I wanted to live within the connection between us through them, and feel closer to her as if a part of her was with me even though she couldn’t physically be.

We made plans to meet up again on the fifteenth of January at my place, only a ten day wait this time around, which was more emotionally manageable. I just couldn’t make this relationship about me; it had to be about her, and to wait an entire lifetime for a love like this, one I believed always existed even when I had given up on it, I’d have to understand that much. Ten days, sure, it was tough not being able to see her but at least I knew I would.

One of the things I enjoyed doing on Sunday nights was to go to a Barnes & Noble bookstore near my apartment complex. It was hardly a drive so I chose to walk usually unless it was raining. While I was at the bookstore on this particular evening, I received a text out of the blue from Anya asking what I was up to. When I told her I was at the bookstore, I was taken by her response.

7:32 p.m.

“Ha! Are you really at the bookstore? Do you read much? Just finished the Kite Runner. I’m in a book club but haven’t started Dec book yet, too busy. Next on our list is the Zookeeper’s Wife and Long Walk to Freedom. Next meeting is in two weeks, will never finish. Oh well.”

ME: “I come here on Sunday nights just to de-stress before the busy work week. I usually end up with something. I read when I can. It helps me sleep at night, but if the book is good I could be up for several hours. I’ve never thought of joining a book club, but my work hours pretty much don’t allow me to meet up. ”

ANYA: “What type of genre do you like?”

ME: “Mostly fiction. I’ll read non-fiction or autobiographies once in a while. I also read novel writing books, not that I plan on using any of that information anytime soon! Do you have any favorite authors?”

ANYA: “No, no particular authors. Just like music, I like to explore. I guess that’s why I like the book club because it forces me to explore.”

ME: “Has your club read Life of Pi? I really liked that book.”

ANYA: “Yes, we did read that book last year, liked it as well. Catch you later!”

It was always really nice to hear from her because it was unexpected, but she always found a way to do that. I felt disappointed that she cut the conversation off as quickly as she did though, but I also understood and I appreciated the fact she thought about me enough to see what I was doing because she seemed to always be on my mind now.

The most surprising thing, for me, about truly being in love for the first time was how the mundane stopped feeling like the mundane; how work even stopped feeling like work. When you work in public accounting, the twelve to fifteen hour days along with the excess travel can really take its toll and wear you out in only a few years. There is high turnover in the profession because of it, but with Anya in my life, I felt like I had been given a second wind. Every day I was inspired because I knew my job was going to support Anya, I and her kids, and that was now my dream. I never obsessed about making partner and the million dollar a year payday that came with it, other than being driven to do well in my career, but now I simply began to appreciate the opportunity more because it was not just about me anymore, but about We as it allowed me to see I wasn’t working for just myself, but for someone I loved and cared deeply about, and that alone made work more fun for me because I knew the money would provide her with happiness and all the things in life she truly deserved but never received.

On Monday, just upon my arrival to work, the receptionist informed me Clyde wanted to see me in his office first thing. The partner promotion wasn’t until next year so it never crossed my mind he would want to discuss that so I figured he only wanted to sit down and map out some meetings this week if he had any. I had been on several pitch meetings since we signed CPG on as a client and we had been pretty successful on all of them with the exception of one. However, I truly didn’t know what he wanted and those were the only conjectures I had in regards to what the meeting could be about. When I entered his office, he warmly greeted me, asked me to close the door, and then to have a seat.

“I need your opinion on something.” he stated.

“Sure. Mr. Kirchner.”

“Kash. What’s your take on him?”

“Kevin?”

“Yes.” he confirmed. “What’s your take?”

“I mean, what would you like to know?” I said to buy some time before I said anything as I knew this could probably affect his future.

“What’s been your experience working with and for him?”

“He’s taught me all I know Mr. Kirchner. I am the accountant I am today because of him.” I said. “He’s helped me grow professionally in a lot of ways. I have nothing but all the respect in the world for him.”

“Do you think he would make a great partner?”

“Oh absolutely. Without a doubt.” I affirmed. “He’s very knowledgeable and works well with clients. He’s a good face for the firm to have.”

“I wanted to include your input in on our decision making process.” he said. “Even though, as you know this decision won’t be made until next year, but it must be said that your ability to attract a significant customer base has made our decision rather difficult. I wanted you to know that. We wouldn’t want to lose you to another firm because we excluded you from our decision making.”

“And you’re not going to.” I said. “I know the decision you make will always be in the firm’s best interest and Kevin deserves to be a partner here. He really does.”

“Thank you for your input Landyn.” he said as he stood to shake my hand.

This book was originally published on Royal Road. Check it out there for the real experience.

“You’re most welcome.” I said as I stood to return the gesture.

“I’ll call you in a little later this afternoon to go over our meeting schedule for this week and next week as well.”

“I’m in the office today so I’ll be around.” I informed him.

“You can leave the door open Landyn.” he said as I began to exit his office. “Thanks again.”

“No problem.”

As I left his office I hoped I had helped Kevin’s cause to make partner. I spoke the truth; Kevin had helped me greatly in my career. I owe a lot of my success to him. Even though a knock on him was that he hazed his staff at times, he was really only trying to toughen them up for the demands of their profession and believe me it is a demanding and taxing one as we deal with hostile personalities on an everyday basis. A corporate controller, CFO, or even a low level staff accountant doesn’t like to be confronted with their mistakes found during an audit. You have to be thick skinned, and even though I tried to help the young thin–skinned aspiring staff because I remembered how I was, I might have been doing them a total disservice when they worked on jobs under Kevin. I really couldn’t tell you whose managing style was better, but I believe both were equally effective in getting jobs done correctly and under budget, and that’s what the partners understood and cared about more than anything--the dollar amounts associated with high profit margins, and recurring revenues that led to increased partner distributions without the worry of legal expenses. On the way back to my office though, I thought about Anya and I hanging out at a Barnes and Noble on one of the couches sharing the same book, and I just had to smile. Just before I could delve further into this sudden daydream however I heard Kevin’s voice calling me to come into his office.

“What’s going on, bud?” he asked as I entered.

“Hey Kev.” I acknowledged. “What’s going on?”

“You tell me!” he exclaimed. “I’ve never seen a smile on your face this early in the morning before.”

“What?” I laughed.

“What’s going on with you?” he asked as he gripped the top of my right shoulder and shook me a little. “Hey, check this out. What do you think? Nice huh?”

“Man.” I said as he exposed his left wrist to me. “That’s a sharp watch. Rolex huh? How much did that set you back?”

“Mr. Caiaphas hooked me up with a Rolex shop owner near his Irvine office. He gave me his discount.”

“Really?” I asked concerned. “Is that legal?”

“Legal? Of course it is! It’s just his discount. Nothing tangible.” he said. “Just one of the perks of doing business with the “well to do”. Everyone does it anyway.”

“Well, I’d hate to see anything bad happen to you when you’re so close to making partner.”

“Hey, I got it all under control. I ran a good engagement at CPG. The client was most pleased.” he said. “Oh, and by the way, Mr. Caiaphas said to tell Landman he said hello.”

“Oh. Please tell him I said hello.” I said regardless of the Landman reference.

“He said he met you in San Francisco. I didn’t know you met with him.”

I had no idea what to tell Kevin. I didn’t want to lose his trust, but I now knew I had to come clean.

“Yeah, I was asked to accompany Clyde in San Francisco.” I said. “We both met Mr. Caiaphas there. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about it Kev, I really wanted to but I was told not to tell anyone.”

“I understand. I know they like you a lot here too Landyn. And they should.” he said. “I think you’d make a great partner one day too. It’s going to be a tough decision for them to make.”

“Thanks for that but I hope they choose you. I could use another year or two of experience under my belt.”

“So is that what’s up with the smile? Partner consideration?” he asked.

“Ha! It has nothing to with partner consideration Kev. Nothing at all.”

“Then where’s it comin’ from?”

I wanted to tell Kevin everything. Who Anya was. How much happiness she had brought into my life, and how much of a difference she had made in my life’s outlook. How the years of sadness and depression I felt, the silent battle I only knew about that waged inside day in and day out was now banished. However, the situation wouldn’t allow me to so I came clean as much as I reasonably could.

“I met a great girl.” I said. “I’ll leave it at that.”

“Really?” he asked. “Looks like you’re in love.”

“I guess the physiological changes are starting to show up on the outside, huh?”

“They sure are.” he chuckled. “So who’s the lucky girl and when do I get to meet her?”

“One day Kev. One day.” I said as I tried to avoid the “who the lucky girl is” question. “I think I’m the lucky one though.”

“I definitely got to meet this girl if she can bring this much of a smile on your face.”

“Definitely.”

Even if Anya wasn’t married I would have held off providing information about her because it seemed to jinx things for me. I had been with Anya for about a month and a half now and it would be too soon even at this point to start introducing her to people. It’s just something I would take my time with no matter how much I cared for her especially with my past luck with women. I didn’t want to look like a fool if I had told him all about her and how special she was and things suddenly didn’t work out, and in my life, that was a highly probable possibility.

After the long work day I decided to do something I rarely did and that was to text Anya before she texted me. I hadn’t heard from her all day and I missed her. I wasn’t the only one with low self-esteem issues so I decided to be more assertive with my feelings for her. I texted her to simply say hello and to see how she was doing. After ten minutes, she responded to my text.

5:36 p.m.

“Hi! I’m fine, just busy! How are you? Did you get a new book to read?”

ME: “I didn’t see one I wanted to buy. I’m still trying to finish “The Historian” so I held off. I hadn’t heard from you so I thought I would say hi. I miss you.”

ANYA: “I miss you too baby! I haven’t forgotten about our night together.”

ME: “I haven’t forgotten about it too. Hard not to think about it. I got through the workday though!”

ANYA: “Wow! Good for you! I try not to think so much but I’m constantly drawn. I have moments when I get really scared. I’m afraid we have more in common than we know.”

After this text from Anya, I was left kind of miffed. Why would she be afraid of having more things in common with each other? It sounded like it would be a pleasant thing, not something to be fearful of. Having things in common with a partner I felt were imperative to a successful relationship. I’d be more fearful if we had nothing in common as I believed the ones that failed lacked a common ground. I felt common interests got you through tough times so I didn’t think it was something to be feared. It sounded like she had a stressful day and maybe that’s all it really was. I decided not to worry about what she had texted me and I texted her a little later on that evening to see how she was doing as I hoped her day had become a little less stressful at this time.

9:14 p.m.

“Sorry can’t talk now. Goodnight. Maybe you can call me in the morn?”

Since it seemed she had a very busy day I didn’t want to pressure her. It bummed me out she wasn’t able to talk to me but at the same time I understood, I had to. At that point I decided not to initiate texts with her anymore just because I couldn’t deny the disappointment I felt when she wasn’t able to talk as anyone would feel if they truly missed someone. Instead of feeling hurt for no reason, I just decided to do some journaling and call it a night, but one thing was undeniable. I was hurt. Then again, I had to recognize I had a long day myself, and I was tired and my hurt may have been a product of my fatigue more than a reality.

I knew our phone conversation the next morning might be a little interesting. I tried not to be sensitive because of the situation, but I was who I was as my experiences had shaped me to feel a 1.0 on the Richter scale now. My sensitive side worked for me and against me at times and I fought hard not to let it, but after a lifetime of disappointments you start to sense things others believe you can’t. There was something peculiar about Anya last night though, a side I hadn’t really seen or felt, and I needed to know what she was going through, but I also couldn’t discount how it made me feel. This was about her but this was also about me too, and I couldn’t lie to her about my feelings and disappointments. She was entitled to know how my past had shaped me, but I needed to know her feelings first before I made probable invalid feelings known. I could be wrong to feel the way I did, and I had to recognize it may be my own fears talking more than anything real to feel. I woke up earlier than usual that morning, mostly because I couldn’t sleep, to call her twenty minutes before I left for the office.

“Hey.” she said as she answered the phone.

“Good morning. How are you?”

“I’m okay. How are you?”

“I’m okay, too.” I said, immediately sensing distress in her tone. “Pretty busy day for you?”

“Yep.” She replied, casually.

“Sorry.” I said not knowing what to say. “Do you want to talk about it? I’m a good listener you know.”

“I know you are, babe.”

“What’s wrong?” I asked. “You can tell me anything you know.”

“Last night when you texted me I was at the batting cages with my son.” she revealed. “I was watching my son hit the baseball and I started to think about you. Things just started to hit me hard.”

“Really?” I asked confused. “How so?”

“I mean I think about you all day long.” she said. “But It just seemed with each swing he took things would hit me harder and harder.”

“In what way? What things?”

“I just started to feel bad, and…and I got scared.”

“Why Sweetheart?” I asked. “What’s scaring you? I want to understand.”

“Well, I enjoy being around my children and not worrying about anything but my life with them.” she said. “Communicating with you every day is really hard. I can’t be productive at work during the day. I think it’s best if you can…if you could let me go.”

“Let you go?” I asked shocked.

“I’d understand.” she said. “I won’t fight you.”

“Are you serious? Really?” I asked sadly. “Is this what you want?”

“This is what I want. I think it would be for the best.” she said softly. “I can’t let you go so please let me go…”

I was floored. I sensed she had a bad night when she cut her text off so quickly, but I never expected she wanted me to let her go especially after she told me I had broken her heart when I left her. As confused as I was, at the same time, I had to listen to her. I couldn’t discount what she wanted even if it was something I didn’t want. I loved Anya and I felt letting her go would not be an act of love considering the pain she had endured throughout her marriage with an unfaithful spouse. I felt like if I left her, it would hurt her. Even at this point, it would hurt me too, but she knew what was going down on her side of the fence, and I really had no clue. I then started to think that maybe this was a test. A test to see if I would run if I had the chance.

“Ok.” I said completely torn and on the verge of breaking down. “Can I think about it though before I respond? I have to get into the office. I just need time to process this. I don’t want to say the wrong thing.”

“K.” she responded.

“I’ll text you later Sweetheart.” I said. “Have a good day.”

“K. You too.”

When I got off the phone I just stood still in complete disbelief as I wanted to be absorbed in the boisterous silence of my one-bedroom apartment. She didn’t want to even communicate with me anymore hit me hard. The one time I finally felt secure and strong enough to initiate communication to someone I love and she ends up not wanting to hear from me anymore. I then began to think that maybe she did this on purpose to get revenge for what I did, and as cruel as it was to leave her there by herself at the bar that night, she had to understand after I put myself out there that it was because I felt something for her. Then again, how could I expect a woman who had trust issues to trust what I, another man no less, told her? I then began to regret not making love to her at my apartment as I felt she couldn’t trust my feelings for her because of my unwillingness. I even asked her to come over to play a board game and I began to think that was a mistake as well. As all these thoughts began to swirl in my head like a piece of tissue in a category five hurricane, I decided it was best to distract my mind by getting into my car and getting to work as fast as I could. The truth was I wanted to fight for her, and not let her go, but I had to listen to what she told me. She only wants to worry about the life with her kids. She didn’t want to communicate with me anymore because she couldn’t be productive at work. This was her show, and as much as I loved her and would miss her, it was her show. I had to pay attention to all she told me, and even before I arrived at the office, I made the decision to let her go instead of questioning her as I summoned my inner Aurelius for one last time as I felt I was a stronger person from the heartache of Denise. You win some, you lose some, and as much as it would hurt at least I would be able to recover in time because I had been to this circus before.

As I entered the office’s assigned parking lot, and just before I exited my car to head inside, I heard that familiar ring tone as my phone suddenly began to vibrate. I contemplated not reading her text message because of the emotions involved and the fear I would not be able to focus on my work, but I couldn’t leave her hanging. I had made up my mind to let her go, and to end this dream of mine before my feelings, our feelings got any deeper. It was now time to make it official as I saw her message that read.

9:18 a.m.

“I don’t want you to leave me.”