“The most important thing is to enjoy your life – to be happy – it’s all that matters”

~ Audrey Hepburn

When I planned on putting in for some time off, I had no idea my vacation could be a permanent one, as an early morning meeting with KSR’s founder, Clyde Kirchner awaited me. I didn’t mention anything to Anya about it before we signed off the previous night as this was just something I had to face on my own, but a lion now stood on my way to the peak of the highest mountain I had ever scaled professionally. Things were going so well, it made all the sense the world could muster after contentment replaced melancholy over the last four months of my life that my hopes, wishes and dreams would end in this fashion. All I could truly do was prepare for the worst and hoped the worst would be survivable.

I tossed and turned all night unable to sleep soundly until my alarm clock wailed which signified the impetus of my soon to be dreadful day. I showered an hour earlier than usual which meant I was outside my office building an hour early also. I stayed in my car up to a few minutes before my meeting and tried to think of backup plans until I realized I had no backup plans, that this was it. Without the partnership, I would have to let Anya go as it wouldn’t be fair to her and her kids to be with a failure in life. It would be clear I couldn’t save myself let alone another human being even as precious as she was to me. The cold realization that things just weren’t meant to be for me no matter how much I believed they were fed my negative appetite, and after I cursed a God I wasn’t even sure existed, I made my nervous trek to my only hope of salvation and grace, Clyde’s office.

When I arrived, Clyde was seated at his desk and quickly rose when he saw me at his doorway. He was sharply dressed in a dark suit, one I had only seen him wear at client meetings, and one he also probably wore at funerals. When I noticed his attire I figured he believed this was important enough to dress up for which made me feel even less comfortable which added to my anxiety. He then nodded for me to close the door and extended his hand outward with his palm up as to motion me to have a seat, in which I slowly obliged. I took a deep breath quietly and wiped the sweat from my forehead as I felt nearly faint from the stress of the moment.

“Mr. Lastman. Landyn Lastman.” he said calmly. “How are you this morning?”

“I’m okay Mr. Kirchner.” I replied nervously as I tried to focus on my breathing. “How are you this morning?”

“I’m excellent.” he said. “Thanks for coming in on short notice. I have a few things I need to go over with you.”

“Certainly.” I responded.

“Through Jackson Caiaphas I’ve received three new leads for potential clients.” he informed me as he slid them to me on his desk. “Actually they appear to be slam dunks for us. I would like for you to handle them.”

“Okay. Thank you.” I replied confused. “Do you really feel I’m ready to take on my own accounts though?”

“Absolutely Landyn. In fact, Mr. Caiaphas asked for “Landman” to handle them personally.”

“Landman.” I laughed with trepidation. “Why not Kevin though? He has a real working relationship with CPG and Mr. Caiaphas. I don’t understand.”

“You know Landyn, Kevin is a great accountant. He’s probably the best certified public accountant we have and he may be the best in the entire state of California.”

“I agree.”

“But I feel he lacks some people skills necessary to be a rainmaker for the firm. There’s an “It” factor that comes into play, an outside the box thought process he doesn’t quite have…but you do.”

“Mr. Kirchner, I appreciate what you’re saying but…”

“But nothing Landyn. Your presentation to Jackson Caiaphas was so huge for the firm it’s literally impossible to quantify. Over the last six months alone revenue has doubled from what it was last year at this time and it’s solely attributable to the addition of the CPG account. To be frank this wouldn’t have happened without you, and I want to reward you for it because I don’t want to lose you. You are greatly appreciated here. So here…” he said as he glided a piece of paper towards me along with a pen.

"I don't know what to say. Thank you." I said humbled by his compliments. "What is this though?"

“This here is a non-disclosure agreement.” he said. “Although we cannot make it official until the end of the year, we here at KSR are pleased to offer you an equity partnership in our firm beginning July first, two thousand and nine. Your base salary will be two hundred and fifty thousand dollars per year however you will additionally have a thirty-three percent share of net profits each year. Although your position wouldn’t be effective until fourteen months from now, if you’re interested in this opportunity, it’s all yours and we would be lucky to have you.”

Time stood still as I felt lost in a dream, and even though I had roughly an hour of sleep the night before, I suddenly felt like I had gotten ten straight hours of REM sleep. It was like being on the game show “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire”, got to the million dollar question and then knew the answer to it. I was so stunned I had no idea what to say as it felt like I almost declined the offer in my silence as adrenaline suddenly mixed in with my fatigue.

“It would be an honor Mr. Kirchner.” I finally replied. “To be honest. I can’t believe it. I can’t thank you enough. What do I need to do?”

“Well…believe it and no; thank you Landyn. We appreciate all you’ve done for us. You’ve helped with our growth tremendously. Just for now please sign the non-disclosure agreement. We will draft the partnership agreement and have you come in and sign it at the end June. We only ask that you tell no one about this until after the year-end meeting when we announce it formally to the firm.” he said sternly. “No one can know Landyn. Not even family or friends. It’s very sensitive information. You cannot tell a soul.”

“I understand. You have my word.” I confirmed.

After he congratulated me as I signed the non-disclosure agreement and then handed me a hearty handshake, I was still in a cloud not sure if this had just occurred as I began to breathe normally. I was ecstatic, exhilarated, and overwhelmed as all the hours, all the travel, all the personal sacrifices I had made were formally recognized, but a minute later after I reached my office, I became apprehensive as I realized my joy came at the expense of a good friend, and even worst yet, I had to pretend I knew nothing about it to him. Even though KSR put me in a tough position, I realized they did so because the firm feared they could lose me. The truth was I’ve been less visible the last four months due to my relationship with Anya even though I had probably never worked harder for them, but it may have given them the perception I had an opportunity elsewhere since the public accounting profession in general had a high turnover rate.

Even though I had secured the partnership, I also realized nothing was granted in stone. I sadly couldn’t tell Anya about it and it was even more frustrating to know I couldn’t ask for her to leave her husband because my salary wouldn’t change until next year. Even though I couldn’t push her, it was good to know there was more hope than ever for us, and I would easily be able to take care of her and her kids if I had to.

I believed if Anya’s husband was suspicious, he probably thought I was looking to benefit from his money if she left him. I respected the fact that his money belonged to him and his family. I respected the fact he worked hard to build a business and I wasn’t looking for any of the fruits of his hard work, blood, sweat and tears, regardless of how emotionally abusive I felt he was towards his wife. I had my own means to income, and I had too much pride. I didn’t want a thing from him. I didn’t need a thing from him. All I wanted from him was to make things right for the woman he supposedly loved. If she was to get half of what was his, that was not my business and I would reject every and any cent from Anya, as that money only belonged to three people; Anya, Katie and Andrew. I wanted to only supplement that income as it was not mine to take from. I felt if her husband was so willing to lose an arm if he could change things, he should have no problem only losing half of the money his wife deserved for her pain and suffering. Our relationship wasn’t about a wife’s revenge nor was it about sex; it was only about love so why not just let her have what he had taken from her? I just felt a husband who cheated on his wife once let alone multiple times knowing full well he could lose half of all he owns is either the greatest fool or the most arrogant human being on the planet, and I believed in her husband’s case it was more of the latter.

Before I left Clyde’s office, I asked him for a week’s vacation and he didn’t hesitate to grant it to me. He thanked me again then handed me the contact information of the three new referrals he had received from Mr. Caiaphas. Even though I was a little disheartened by the “Landman” reference I at least felt I made a pretty good impression on him if he wanted me to have those accounts.

Later that morning, easily the greatest of my life, Anya text me.

10:42 a.m.

“FYI, I decided to resign from the House of Hope today. They said they would take me back w/open arms should I ever decide to go back.”

When Anya sent me this random text, I wanted so badly to share the good news with her but was gagged by the non-disclosure agreement as there was no way I could risk losing the partnership because I would lose her as well. Anya continued to open up to me more about her daily life. I knew she belonged to organizations, and I even met the gentleman at Paseo’s who ran the House of Hope, but now she shared with me the details about them which helped me to understand some of the reasons why I couldn’t see her as much as I wanted to.

ME: “Why did you resign?”

ANYA: “The bi-monthly meetings consist of lots of eating and drinking! There are other philanthropic opportunities. I’ve been wanting to make a change for a long time. I want to be more hands on so I decided to join the Special Olympics.”

ME: “I’m really impressed. I’ve always wanted to do something like that, but have never found the time. I really admire you for doing something like that.”

ANYA: “Why? It’s not a big deal. Just a volunteer babe. I just thought I should get involved where I can actually make a difference giving hugs and kisses to those kids.”

ME: “I think it takes a very special person to do that.”

ANYA: “Not that special, just thankful that I can. The House of Hope was more of a social climbing atmosphere with raising money for the cause. I want to simplify. I’ll be starting at the bottom with the Special Olympics but I don’t care. They are holding an Olympic the 2nd weekend in June. I just hope I can get in so I can help in June before the crazy dance rehearsals and recitals start for Katie.”

ME: “Well, I think what you’re doing is really fantastic. Just be careful at the Special Olympics. One of those kids you could be helping may turn out to be our friend, Mitch.”

ANYA: “Funny! He can enroll as an adult! They’ll understand the delay. Age is irrelevant. Don’t know if I would give him a hug at the finish line though.”

Any chance I got to squeeze in a dig at Mitch, I had to do it. After learning she gave her time to such organizations, I felt inspired to do the same, and it made her more beautiful to me, if that was even possible. I appreciated the humility in human beings who gave their time to people less fortunate than them. I ventured to guess she probably also used it as a way to distance herself from her husband, but there were other options available to her; She didn’t have to choose the volunteer route. I texted her later that afternoon to see how she was doing and to tell her how highly I thought of her philanthropy.

ANYA: “Thank u baby. I think very highly of u too. Fell in love with that conscious mind and kind heart of yours. I saw something very special in you! Day is going great! Baseball game tonight. Miss u, love u!”

After I received her text, I perceived she seemed pretty busy, so I text her back telling her I missed her and loved her too. She then sent me a text a few hours later that evening.

ANYA: “Hi! What’s happening? Getting our butts kicked!”

ME: “I’m good. Just got home from work but getting ready to hit the gym. Sorry to hear the D-backs are losing. What place are they in?”

ANYA: “Actually Andrew just hit a triple and drove in 3 runs so we’re tied now! They’re in 2nd place. He wants to pitch but he’s not allowed. Glad you get to work out tonight!”

ME: “Do you have to get Katie from ballet after the game tonight?”

ANYA: “No baby. Cooking. Have a good workout tonight! I miss you. I have to tell you about my Spa weekend. Carolyn and Debbie read me my rights today.”

The day seemed to just get better and better as after I secured the firm’s partnership, I also had something fun to look forward to during the first weekend in May. I didn’t believe spending a night together was feasible simply because Anya was with her friends as I was sure they booked a room together. I was just grateful I’d be able to spend some time with her in a totally different setting, one she felt comfortable with.

That evening I decided to stay home from the gym because I really wanted to talk about that weekend more than anything else, so I reached out to her via text.

ME: “Who won the game tonight?”

ANYA: “We won, 11 to 9!”

ME: “That’s great! Nice comeback win! Happy for Andrew and the team. Did you need to talk with me about the rules they set for your getaway weekend?

ANYA: “They just told me I have to spend time w/them and not only u. It’s a “Girl’s Weekend” so I have to hang w/them most of the time. Don’t worry, they adore u! They just want me to spend time w/them and not ditch them.”

ME: “Haha! They should know by now any time I get to spend with you I’m good with. I know you want to see me. I totally understand and respect the rules.”

ANYA: “Thank you for understanding. I do want to see you. We just have to get together after I have dinner with them.”

ME: “Fair enough. Do you know what the plans are?”

ANYA: “Ur the best! All I know is Carolyn is making dinner reservations and our spa day is Saturday. I’m driving down on Friday the first. Maybe I can stop by your place before my way down?”

ME: “I would love to see you if you’re up for it.”

ANYA: “Would love to see you too. If you don’t mind, please keep Friday and Saturday night open for us. Sorry to be vague but I kind of have to go with the flow. Maybe we can walk on the beach if not too cold.”

ME: “Oh both of my nights will be open for sure! I would love that!”

I thought their rules were fair, funny and cute. This really was a trip for them, not for Anya and I, and even though I was a little bummed just because I rarely saw her, I also knew I was fortunate to get a chance to see her more than I usually did. Early the following morning, Anya text me to set up our meeting time for her visit.

7:42 a.m.

“Excited about tomorrow! 12:00?”

ME: “I’m excited too! 12 works! What r u up to today?”

ANYA: “Working today. Big changes at work! All good! Xoxo!!!”

ME: “Sounds good! Have a nice day Beautiful! Xoxo!!!”

ANYA: “Babe?”

ME: “Yes?”

ANYA: “Can u meet at 11:30? That way we can have more time before I have to leave. No worries if u can’t.”

ME: “I just love the way you think! 11:30 it tis!”

ANYA: “I just love you!”

ME: “Well, you’re in luck because I just love you too! Xoxoxoxoxoxo!

ANYA: “Ha! Chat later! Xxxxxxxxxxooooooooo!!!”

As I left the house for work that morning, I thought to myself there was no way life could possibly be better than this. My career was set to take off. I was deeply in love with the greatest gift I had ever received. All I ever believed in and all I ever trusted in had manifested itself. I was not just in a better world, but a utopian galaxy, one that only could be written by the creator of the constellations. The life I had dreamt of, the life I worked so hard for was on the verge of fruition, and it forced me to recognize the old sour, sad Landyn Lastman who always walked with his head downward, beaten down by the life he knew before Anya, had died.

1:00 p.m.

“Hey crazy!”

ME: “Haha! How is the one I’m crazy for doing today?”

ANYA: “I’m fine baby! I get to kiss you in less than 24 hours!!! Just waiting to pick up the kids, early day. How r u?”

ME: “Never better babe. Just missing you very much!”

ANYA: “I miss you very much too! Can’t wait!”

ME: “Me too! Nothing like the feeling of true love. It’s crazy.”

ANYA: “I know babe! It’s true! It’s the best! Sooo excited to see you tomorrow! I can almost taste it!”

In all my years I never thought I would meet someone who believed in true love like I did yet it took the most crushing of all heartbreaks for Anya to believe it existed. My love had grown exponentially since we reconnected in November, and the more I learned, the more I fell in love with not only her, but her kids and the way she carried herself. To me, she was the most extraordinary woman and human being to ever walk into my life. She was smart, funny, fun, hard-working, responsible, independent and caring as all these characteristics she exhibited added up to the ideal woman for me. I felt she really improved me as a person as she gave me the focus of a future I never truly saw clearly with anyone and she helped me to rediscover my drive again so I could pursue it with zest. Most importantly she made me realize a wonderful life was in store for me as it had been over twenty years since I truly appreciated life. I truly believed no one else existed could ever captivate and inspire me more than Anya, and for that I truly admired her, as at this point, I leaned on her love more than ever because I trusted it was real.

When she arrived at my apartment, we both lost control as the passion, the missing, the longing, and the severe need for each other took over. Like thrashing sharks, we devoured each other as I held her gently in my arms while we rolled back and forth from one side of my bed to the other aided by the strongest form of love I had ever known. She then looked at me with all the love in the universe, her eyes like stars bringing warmth and life to my soul and started to tug down my boxer briefs. I then assisted her and moved her body upwards slightly to mine to remove the last piece of her clothing. As our completely naked bodies touched for the first time,

I looked into her eyes for assurance, and she met mine followed by the whispered words “it’s ok” as she guided me inside of her. As her eyes closed and she began to moan, I remembered all the previous times when the passion was at its peak, when she told me she wanted to feel me so badly and when she asked me if we would ever make love. I knew it would happen when it was meant to happen; when love rightfully took the wheel. Now as the moment arrived it felt incredibly right, like it happened many times before, as natural as the sun rising in the morning and setting in the evening, and I was lost in the most beautiful sensation imaginable, one that belonged only to us. Then as suddenly as it happened, I was overcome by a consciousness, one that told me there would be a price to pay emotionally, a price I had forgotten completely about, a fee we both would pay dearly for, and that was when I stopped as I bowed to my awareness of this potential pain. I could then see the disappointment in her eyes when they opened, and when I decided to love her again once more in response, she fended me off and said the following words.

“I can’t do it.”

I didn’t know what to tell her. I didn’t know even if I did how I would as I expected some kind of backlash, but instead she came into my arms, buried her beautiful face into my chest, kissed it and softly whimpered. Her reaction made me realize as much as I believed the moment to be ideal, it was far from the ideal moment.

“I’m sorry Beautiful. That’s all on me.” I said as I held her tightly in my arms.

“It’s ok.” she sniffled. “Why did you stop?”

“I just…it’s been a long time for me. I guess it scared me because it felt so good, and it felt too right…if that makes any sense. I got afraid of my own emotions. I got fearful for you too.” I explained. “I hope I didn’t make you feel uncomfortable by trying to rekindle the feeling.”

“I just got confused babe.” she replied, her soft voice cracking. “I didn’t know if I was supposed to enjoy the moment or to feel guilty by it.”

"I'll take the blame for you feeling that way Sweetheart." I said as I kissed her on the top of her head. "I have to be more sensitive and mindful of your emotions when you have two innocent people and a wary husband at home who I don't think would waste a minute to throw you under the bus to your children if he got the chance to. I love you."

“I love you so much.”

I then gently brought her face upwards so my lips could meet hers.

“I don’t want you to ever think that we have to do this to keep me interested. I love you for who you are and this is a bonus when it happens. We’re not about this and we can’t be because if we are our relationship will not stand the test of time.”

“God Landyn” she whispered as she kissed me. “You always say the sweetest things to me. You know, I would be in love with you even if you had a wooden leg.”

“What? You wood?” I joked. “I mean, you would?”

“Yes! Even if you had two of them I probably still would!”

“If we were ever on a cruise together and the ship goes down, I would have you know wooden legs make fabulous floatation devices.” I rambled. “Just please don’t pull a Rose and sink me to the bottom of the ocean like she did to Jack in the movie “Titanic”.”

“Haha! Now I wish you had wooden legs!”

“See the benefits?” I laughed. “You know now that we’re on the subject, I think I would be in love with you even if you were a vegetable.”

The tale has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the violation.

“Oh no!” she laughed.

“Seriously, I would. I’d walk you around in your wheelchair, wipe the drool off your face, give you kisses after every time I did. Yeah, I’d totally do that.”

“I don’t know about that babe!”

“Well, I would as long as you were a somewhat functioning vegetable. I don’t think I could ever let go of you because of all we shared together. Now if you were better off dead, and I needed to pull the plug out of love for your quality of life then that would be selfish of me to keep you around.”

“Haha! You’re too much. Just pull the plug if I’m in a vegetative state. Please pull the plug. Very sweet of you though. I love you baby.” she said as she kissed me softly.

“I love you too.” I told her. “Can I ask you a question.”

“Sure.”

“What does Carolyn and Debbie know about your marriage? Do they know anything?”

“They just know I’m not in love with him anymore because he has hurt me many times.” she said. “They love you, but they are a little afraid to get close to you because they don’t know what’s going to happen.”

“I understand.”

“If we were together though I don’t think I’d hang out with them as much.” she said. “I’d want to spend all the time I could with you.”

“Well, I think that’s great, and I’d want to spend all the time I could with you too, but I think you need your friends. I wouldn’t want you to lose them because of me. They would always be welcome in our home if we were together. It would be fun to hang out with them too.”

“I don’t know why I’m telling you this and it’s so random, but I was at the Andrew’s baseball game yesterday and I noticed his coach who’s Italian and his Japanese wife have the cutest little girl.” she revealed.

“Oh really? How old is she?”

“She’s three.” she answered. “It made me think of us and I had to tell myself “no, don’t even think about it”!”

I laughed at her observation, but it was such a beautiful thought. Although I knew it was more of an attempt to get me to smile more than there was any hint of seriousness in it, the thought alone showed how far we had come, but just as soon as she talked of the moon and the stars, she started to turn wayward toward a black hole.

“My son, Andrew told me something this week that was pretty hard on me.”

“What did he tell you?”

“He told me he would be upset if I got a divorce because he wouldn’t be able to hang out with me as much or when he wanted to.”

As hard as that was for her to hear, it was almost as equally difficult for me to hear. I didn’t know what to say, it broke my heart too as all I could do was listen and store it in my memory.

“I find myself looking for something to grasp onto in order to let us go, and I get discouraged.” she informed me. “Anything will set me off, but then…I’m back in love with you.”

“I can feel that sometimes.”

“You do?”

“Oh yeah.” I revealed. “On days I don’t hear from you especially. Those days usually start off low, but then you hit me with something that makes me feel how much you love me.”

“My parents have been married for forty-two years.”

“That’s beautiful.”

“They almost divorced but managed to stay together.” she said. “I was raised in a Christian family.”

“Why did they almost divorce?” I asked. “If I may ask.”

“My dad had a gambling problem.” she stated. “My aunt gave him a gas station to run and all he did was run it into the ground. Lost everything, and then cheated on my mom. It caused my mother a lot of pain, a lot of grief. As time passed though she got over it and they worked things out.”

“I’m glad to hear they did. It sounds like your dad just made a mistake when he was down on his luck. Nobody thinks clearly when they hit rock bottom.” I said. “Do you have any siblings?”

“I have two brothers, I’m the middle child.”

“Very cool. Are you a Christian too?” I asked.

“It’s hard not to be when you were raised as one, but I also practice the Jewish faith.”

“Is your husband Jewish?”

“Yes.”

“I see.”

I didn’t know what to think about that as there seemed to be two different set of major ideals there. I was especially baffled to learn her Christian mother was on board especially when she knew of his infidelities, but even though something seemed amiss to me I had no right to judge. As I held her in my arms, still dispirited by what her son told her, I felt I had to better comprehend how it affected her before she went home.

“Why did Andrew tell you the things he did about divorcing? How did that come up?”

“He’s friends with the son of my friend who just got divorced.” she explained. “He was worried.”

“Oh, I see.” I said. “Do you think your husband will ever divorce you?”

“I don’t think so.” she said. “He says I’m “unique” and he can’t see himself with anyone else.”

“You’re kidding me right? He said that?”

“Yep.”

“Well, he’s definitely right about you being unique.” I concurred. “We definitely see eye to eye on that although for different reasons.”

She was unique to him alright. I mean, what woman would still be with a man who had cheated on her multiple times? He can’t see himself with someone else? Hasn’t he already proven that he could several times already? The things that came out of this man’s mouth just made me sick, but what could I expect when I considered he was thirty years old and dated Anya when she was only nineteen. It wasn’t about the age difference either because if he was forty and she was twenty-nine, I thought that seemed fine these days, but she was still an impressionable teenager easily manipulated at that age especially if he was pretty well off. He probably knew all he had to do was throw some money her way and she would be his, especially when I considered the certainty Anya’s Korean culture placed an emphasis on money. Her husband was a business owner, a salesman, and clearly superb at selling if he kept her around all these years even after his heinous acts of adultery. I trusted and knew Anya wasn’t buying anymore and I certainly wasn’t sold on anything he had to say because of all I learned through her. I was also certain he didn’t want to see himself with anyone else too especially now that he could lose half of all he’s worked for, however I was already convinced her husband played with a short deck when he cheated on this beautiful person and his family one time let alone all the times he chose to do so.

“I don’t trust him. Not after all the times he’s hurt me.” she said to me.

“But if a divorce happens it will have to be initiated by you?”

“Probably.”

“His plan is clearly to make you out to be the bad guy. That’s a shame considering all he’s done.” I reasoned. “You know babe, if you’re grasping for anything to let us go…am I really doing you any favors?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean…if your husband won’t allow you to be happy, why did you allow me in your life?”

“I couldn’t help it.” she said. “I love you.”

Her words “I couldn’t help it” broke my heart into pieces, as I realized why I had to fight for her. As much as she grasped for things to let us go so she wouldn’t disappoint her son, I also couldn’t let her ignore all she felt for herself and why she felt it. The last thing I wanted was for her to break the heart of her son, and I’d rather she broke mine over his any day of the week, but I strongly believed Anya needed to listen to herself through me. Her marriage was a lie, and she couldn’t go about pretending it didn’t exist because I felt in the long run, all the stress and all the unhappiness, would cut her life short. I just needed some time to make this sound right to her and to feel she was not breaking the heart of her son, but rather teaching him what the most important thing in this world was and that life was too short to be spent without it. I felt this could work out better than she thought, and I refused to give her anything to grasp because I couldn’t help it as well; I was in her life now and I loved her too much. If she stayed in her marriage she was going to die a slow life, and I knew too much about her pain, her struggle, and where her true happiness lied to just let her grasp at anything in an attempt to catch nothing but a cold wind.

“I got my vacation time set so if you still want to, we can hang out in Palos Verdes during that week.”

“I would love too!” she responded excitedly.

“I also wanted to share with you Sweetheart that I’ve been working on somewhat of an essay about our situation.” I informed. “I would like to present it to you if I could when we go to PV.”

“Really? What kind of essay?”

“It’s just a collection of what I believe to be objective thoughts, nothing more than that. I just put it in essay form so I would remember the points and it’s more organized. It contains articles I’ve googled and read to support my thoughts. It’s nothing to worry about. I just want to talk to you about some of the issues we’re facing together and hopefully it will help ease your mind a little bit. Is that okay?”

“Objective fact gathering? I may need a copy! I look forward to hearing it!” she announced. “I love you babe.”

“I love you too.”

When she left my apartment and after I blew out the candle I lit for us in my room, I got lost in the deepness of our conversation. After the affection we shared, her admissions caught me off guard. I appreciated Anya’s honesty as it was important for me to hear what she was going through and all that was on her mind. I wanted to be there for her, but her visit left me a little discouraged. I didn’t want to jump to conclusions, and when she told me she couldn’t help things, it broke my heart, but was there any more evidence she needed for leaving her husband than not being able to help it? A person also can’t help jumping out off the tracks when a train is heading his or her way too. Her reaction, her not being able to help it, meant she was trying to survive. She was trying to live and I was not going to let her grasp on to something that would more than likely leave her to die. She was my ecosystem as much as I was hers, and as disheartened I was, what she told me today made me realize I had to strap my boots on because I had some work to do in order to save her from her true nightmare, and it wasn’t her kids hating her if she divorced him. Her greatest nightmare rested in her continuing to further ignore herself.

I never went back into the office that afternoon. I just couldn’t concentrate well enough to work efficiently as all these thoughts weighed me down. A few hours later though I believed Anya sensed something was amiss and texted me.

4:33 p.m.

“R u there?”

ME: “I’m here.”

ANYA: “How r u feeling?”

ME: “I’m ok. How r u feeling?”

ANYA: “I’m ok. Don’t exactly know how to feel. I think I’m more in love b/c of the way you handled it. You were so understanding.”

ME: “Why wouldn’t I be Sweetheart? That was a tough moment for you. I’m kind of glad it happened.”

ANYA: “Ur glad it happened? It wasn’t ideal. I feel bad and can’t help it. I’m glad you held me b/c I needed that. I love you so much I could cry!”

ME: “It wasn’t ideal, but I’m glad it happened the way it did only because I believe it brought us closer. We shared a special moment together through it, and I love you so much I could cry too. It just felt incredible to feel you.”

ANYA: “It was incredible to feel you too. Today was a test for me. I’m in love with you more than ever! I’ve never felt this way before about anybody. I loved your tender hugs afterwards. I miss you. I’m going out to dinner this evening with a friend, Michelle. Miss u, love u. Have a good night.”

ME: “Miss u, love u too. Goodnight.”

As the drama of the day began to take a ruthless toll on my mind, I decided to take a short drive as I felt lonelier than ever. By becoming closer to Anya, I felt the steep price as I began to miss her brutally and the more the significance of our short time together breathed into my consciousness, the more it began to break me. Incredibly, I even began to lose sight of the partnership achievement I just received from the firm as the greatest day of my professional career suddenly meant nothing to me. I should have known though, I would be left feeling this way with no one to talk to about it for comfort as all I could do was hope she truly loved me more than ever and she wasn’t just saying that because she wanted to spare my feelings.

When I arrived back home I grappled with my bed sheets throughout the night as I wondered if she truly did love me more than ever. As my conscious ambushed me, I then began to tighten my grip on this question in pure defense mode; if she was busy grasping for something to let us go why would she be inclined to love me more? When she text me that morning, I felt I had to address it.

7:22 a.m.

“Good morning! Did you sleep well? I tossed and turned all night. R u working today?”

ME: “Good morning! I had a hard time sleeping too. I’m working today though. I really hope you don’t feel bad for me and you said the things you did to make me feel better about it. Do you have anything special going on today?”

ANYA: “Why would I feel bad for u? It did feel incredible and yes I’m more in love! I really believe this is true love. I have my girlfriend’s birthday party then a Passover dinner to attend tonight.”

ME: “Thanks for that. I knew how much I loved you before but I love you more than ever now too. You felt really good and I miss you more than I usually do. Sometimes I think about what the romantic singer said to you about not knowing you’re in love until after you have sex. I just think about how ridiculous that sounds when you consider all we felt before yesterday.”

ANYA: “You’re right about him. I don’t think he was in love w/me. I think it was “in lust”.

ME: “Yeah, I don’t think he’d take you with a wooden leg or in a vegetative state, but you know I would!”

ANYA: “Ha! Wooden leg yes! Vegetative state, don’t know about that! I love you!”

ME: “Love you too!”

ANYA: “Maybe we need to get “bombed” next time to ease the nerves at least for me? I miss u already.”

I thought her drinking suggestion was a novel idea as it would loosen us up a little more the next time around even though, the longing was now impossible to ignore. After work Anya sent me a text out of the blue.

4:04 p.m.

“I really miss you baby.”

ME: “I really miss you too.”

ANYA: “I really love you!”

ME: “This might surprise you but, I really love you too!”

ANYA: “Ha!”

After these set of really sweet texts put me on a high-high, she then sent me a series of texts to showcase her grasping techniques.

6:40 p.m.

“Hi! Just leaving my girlfriend’s party to Passover din. She had a fortune teller there! OMG! I’ve never had my fortune read before! You would be blown away by her!”

ME: “No kidding? What did she tell you?”

ANYA: “She knows that I’m married. She ignored it and asked me “what is coming up in June?” She said I have many men who think they r my soulmates.”

ME: “Really? What is coming up in June?”

ANYA: “My wedding anniversary.”

ME: “Oh okay. Sorry to interrupt you babe. What else did she say?”

ANYA: “She said that there’s a man who is knocking on my door like crazy who was my soulmate in another life. She said that I love this person.”

ME: “Interesting!”

ANYA: “She also said that this person is going to go through some hard time and I’m in his life to support him. She described my character which blew me away! She does not know me but was able to describe my life. She asked me if I was done with kids because she sees one in the cards. She said the man who is knocking is the person and protection will fail. Should I be scared? I’m sorry are you out hun? Don’t want to bother you if you are.”

ME: “I’m not out babe, and you could never bother me if you tried! That’s pretty intense stuff she told you. I don’t know what to think.”

ANYA: “I don’t believe in clairvoyants do u? I think they assess ur looks and generalize.”

ME: “I think there’s some truth to that. She sure made some pretty good guesses though!”

ANYA: “Yep. I do have to give her some credit w/some good guesses. I didn’t share a thing w/her about me. I just listened. She had more to say about u.”

ME: “Haha! I think I’m the one breaking the door down babe, not just knocking.”

ANYA: “She said ur in pain b/c of me and u will never let me go. She said if we don’t end up together you will eventually move on but never let me go from ur mind. I never told her about you.”

I didn’t know what to tell her. Yes, I was in pain but it was manageable regardless of what this damn clairvoyant who gave her something to grasp had to say. I just knew I couldn’t allow Anya to grab ahold of this.

ME: “Well, it seems like she’s got me pretty much nailed down. I guess it leaves me to wonder who these many soulmates you have are? I mean does she know where they all came from?”

ANYA: “Your guess is as good as mine babe!”

ME: “Haha! So you’re really going to refer to a clairvoyant to know how I’m feeling?”

ANYA: “Yeah you’re right. That clairvoyant thing is all BS! Ok, I’m over it.”

ME: “Haha!”

ANYA: “I LOVE YOU!!!!”

ME: “I LOVE YOU TOO!!!”

I really didn’t know what to make of the clairvoyant. I was skeptical only because she was at a friend’s house therefore it wouldn’t be out of the realm of possibility the friend told the clairvoyant about Anya’s current situation. I didn’t want to be nosy, but for all I knew the friend’s birthday party was for Carolyn or Debbie. Yes, the clairvoyant was right; I was definitely in pain, but I was also in happiness.

Regardless of the fight in me, these were times I would get a little frustrated as my conscious would drop in to say hello and let my heart know he’s still in the building. On April 20th, 2008, a Sunday, he made a triumphant return, a test I failed as it gave Anya a chance to grasp once again. It all began after she sent me a text that morning.

8:38 a.m.

“Good morning!”

ME: “Good morning! How are you?”

ANYA: “I’m fine baby! Just finished a weak workout w/the girls. I think we’re all dragging this morning! How r u?”

ME: “I’m okay. Just worried about you.”

ANYA: “What do u mean?”

ME: “I’m just worried you may be putting stock into what the clairvoyant told you last night.”

ANYA: “No not at all! I’m too strong of a person to get sucked into all that stuff. What r u up to today? I miss u like crazy!”

ME: “I miss you like crazy too! My day is open! I have no plans other than to relax. Is it still Passover? What r u up to today?”

ANYA: “Yes still Passover. Taking the kids out to cruise the bay this morning. Have a great relaxing day baby. I love you!”

I had to admit I was extremely bummed. I thought the reason she asked me what I was doing today was because she wanted to meet up. When she told me she missed me like crazy then asked me what my plans were, it gave me hope she might find a way to see me. I told her I had no plans only so she would feel comfortable asking to see me. To hear she was taking the kids on “a cruise of the bay” while I was left to feel more alone than ever stung as it gave me the perception that if her marriage afforded her those things that everything was just fine. This discernment marked the first time I was irked by the façade of Anya’s marriage but I also didn’t want her to feel bad though as I felt it would be wrong to do so because she was with her kids. I was also unsure if I had a right to feel what I did, however the disappointment was hard to discount.

ME: “I love you too.”

ANYA: “R u ok?”

I should have known when I text her back “I love you too.” without meeting her exclamation point after she added one to the end of her “I love you” that she would pick up on it. It just seemed what happened a few days ago meant far more to me than it meant to her, and now it was back to business as usual. I was also saddened when she told me “have a nice day” because I feared I wouldn’t hear from her for the rest of it, and after all we shared I found that to be unacceptable as I felt she owed me more than just a “have a nice day” now. Maybe I was wrong to let it affect me, I knew she was married from the beginning, however I had no control over my unconscious mind, the way my heart beated. Love was not something you just shut off when you don’t want to feel it, like trying to stop the sun’s gravitational pull on the earth. She asked me to sweep her off her feet and told me she wouldn’t leave unless someone was there for her, yet here I was. I had done everything asked of me, and yet I was left to deal with the cover-up that was her marriage. I just didn’t think that was fair but again the situation was a fragile one. I knew her future was at stake and I had to fight whatever pain I felt, but I also didn’t want the sense if she truly loved me that she paraded around town as the perfect couple and family when she gave me the knowledge they were anything but. Her authenticity was the one thing I needed from her, even if it was to tell me she didn’t truly love me. I was hurt by this cruise of the bay almost as much as when I found out she was on a canary island because it represented a disguise. I had to fight the urge to be negative though and hopefully later on, I would be able to forget how this made me feel.

ME: “I’m okay. Have a nice day.”

ANYA: “K, have a nice day.”

Twenty minutes later though she sent me another text.

9:20 a.m.

“You would tell me if something was wrong, right?”

I walked away from my phone as I thought everything was fine, but it wasn’t until thirty minutes passed that I could respond to her first text before another came my way.

9:30 a.m.

“I don’t believe ur ok w/me right now. I hope I’m wrong but I don’t think so. It’s obvious u don’t want to tell me. I’ll let you go. Hope to chat later.”

A few minutes later, since it seemed she was convinced something was wrong, I finally cracked.

ME: “The façade can be hard to understand sometimes.”

ANYA: “Façade? Can you explain? Do you mean the façade of having a relationship?”

ME: “I’m not referring to us.”

ANYA: “Did I say something or mislead u? Can u explain please. I can’t read ur mind.”

ME: “The façade of your marriage. I think I’m just missing you more than usual because of what we shared just a couple of days ago. I’m affected more by things now than before.”

ANYA: “Do you know how much I miss u? My love for you is so strong and I miss you so much it brings me down to my knees. I cry for my kids. I hate it sometimes!”

ME: “I just got my hopes up that you may try to see me today that’s all. Like I said, Friday meant a lot to me regardless how it happened, and it just hurts that you’re out cruising the bay and I’m here wishing you were with me. In the same breath, it’s kind of selfish of me to think this way because I know how important it is for you to be with your kids. I get that and I’m not trying to stop that in anyway, so that’s why I didn’t want to tell you anything.”

ANYA: “What am I to do? I understand ur feelings? We shared something special on Friday. I’m hurting too babe.”

ME: “I know. It’s not easy on you too. I’m sorry I let it get to me. Thanks for following up. You sensed something was wrong and I was able to get it off my chest. I feel better now.”

ANYA: “It’s not easy. Thank you for telling me. I love you.”

ME: “I love you too. Thanks for not letting me off the hook. It’s been an emotional week for me. Enjoy your morning!”

ANYA: “You too! Text me later!”

Even though I did feel better after our textversation, I felt bad about saying anything to her. I didn’t want to give her anything to hold onto because there was more at stake than she realized for her. I wasn’t accepting of her martyr stance and I wasn’t going to let her burn at the stake by the hands of an emotionally abusive husband. We met to save each other and if I started to give her the impression I was hurting she would feel badly enough to let me go out of guilt, and I felt it would be wrong of her if she did. I had to give her a chance to be a woman of her word. I needed to know she was genuine, and that her promise to me before we began the relationship was solid.

She text me about an hour later that same morning before I could text her back to chat, however I had no plans to honor her request, not because I didn’t want to or that I was upset with her, but because I didn’t want to take her away from the boat cruise with the kids.

11:01 a.m.

“I miss u! Let me know if u can meet me this week. It doesn’t have to b long. I’ll drive to u!”

ME: “I’m sorry about his morning. I feel bad. You don’t have to come see me because of what happened this morning. I’m fine babe. Just deeply in love with you.”

ANYA: “Don’t be sorry. I understand. We’re in it together. I’m deeply in love with you too! I want to see you!”

ME: “I’ll let you know what day works best then. Thank you. I’m sorry but Friday tore me up.”

ANYA: “It tore you up? Was it because I stopped? I still feel bad.”

ME: “No Sweetheart, it wasn’t because you stopped at all. You just weren’t ready and to be honest, I don’t think I was either because it tore me up simply because it made me miss you more. If anything it brought us closer.”

ANYA: “I think it did bring us closer. Thank you for looking at the glass half full. I don’t know when I’ll ever be ready when I have guilt hanging over me. I guess time will tell.”

ME: “Sweetheart, I respect your timing and there is no rush whatsoever. I wouldn’t want you to force yourself just for me. Our love is about us and not about just one person.”

ANYA: “Thank you. Never met a man like u and I never will. You’re one of a kind! I love u so much. I have so many feelings for you I don’t know what to do with them.”

ME: “Don’t worry Sweetheart, we’ll figure out what to do with them all one day. I love you very much too.”

She text me a little later that same day to inform me the D-Backs had won and they were now in first place. Beyond this news that made me feel like a part of her day, I believed our talk provided another breakthrough as I was able to communicate to her how I felt and I received her understanding, so much so, she felt inclined to let me know she wanted to see me this week. The fact she understood how I felt was all I really needed. As much as I tried to avoid it, I guess it was good for her to know I was human and if she believed I was in pain then here’s the proof. I felt it was important to her happiness for me to hide it as much as possible and to not whine about it especially when she was ever with her children. They were number one and I wouldn’t want it any other way, but I also felt after all we’ve shared and all I was told that I should be ahead of her marriage because I was not willing to join the façade. I was real. I was here. I existed. If she hadn’t allowed me into her life and made me feel like such a big part of it, then I’d understand the show she put on. I honestly understood it for the sake of their children, but just not for the sake of the general populace. I think I got my hopes up too much to see her on this particular day and when it didn’t happen I was hurt by it. She had boat cruises on the bay, neighbor parties and kids to keep her from missing me, all I had was her. We had a good conversation though, and she did a great job of handling it. I only viewed myself as the source of her self-awareness, not the source of her self-destruction. The only thing I was out to destroy was a fake unhappy life.

On Tuesday she texted me to make plans to meet on Friday. She was busier this week than in weeks past because now she had her job, baseball games, ballet practices, mud run training, homework and dinner at the end of the day. She had a lot on her plate and I had to just go with her flow knowing Friday would make everything right again. Plus, she needed to get her work done so she could see me without any lingering stress. That’s the way I looked at it anyway as it helped me not to take it personally when I didn’t hear from her. On Wednesday afternoon however she texted me to show me her excitement.

11:01 a.m.

“Hey cutie! Having a nice day?”

ME: “I am now after hearing from you! How is your day going?”

ANYA: “Great! Finished work! Just got my nails done. 2 more days can’t wait! Xoxo!”

ME: “Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo!”

ANYA: “Craaaaazy!”

ME: “Haha! Sorry, couldn’t help it. I just love you!”

ANYA: “I just love you too!”

ME: “Oh, and in case you didn’t know I admire you very much too! Xoxo!”

ANYA: “Baby u just melt me! Do you know how sweet ur to me? I admire you too! Xoxo!”

ME: “Ur sweet to me too babe. U didn’t have to text me throughout Passover weekend, but you did and you did so at great risk because you care about me. You took time away on your Sunday to help me with the way I was feeling. You probably think I don’t see things like that but I do.”

ANYA: “In case you didn’t know, I’m in love w/one person and that person is you! Thank you! Happy girl here! I love you baby.”

ME: “Thank you babe. Happy man here too! I love you too.”

ANYA: “I’ll need a long kiiiiiiissssss!”

ME: “Oh, and you will receive a long kiiiiiiiisssss! I can kiss you for hours. Love it!!!”

ANYA: “The best!!!”

We texted some more the next day as it felt the anticipation to see each other again was unlike any other times that preceded it as we both felt closer than ever. Her Thursday texts showed me again how her excitement for Friday met mine.

7:50 a.m.

“Good morning! It’s been the longest week ever! Friday is finally near! Can’t wait for tomorrow!”

11:34 a.m.

“24 hrs!!!”

12:06 p.m.

“I can’t wait! I miss u soooo much! Thanks for being in my life!”

8:43 p.m.

“Goodnight! I will dream of tomorrow! I love you!”

When Friday finally arrived, I was elated, and I thought she would be as well as all the texts added up to what would surely be our most memorable day together.

9:48 a.m.

“Hi! I’m sooooooo sorry but something just came up at work and I can’t come over today. Please don’t be mad at me. My hands r tied. Hope u understand.”

In my thirty seven years of existence, I had never been so truly disappointed by anything in my life. An hour later when I finally turned my discouragement into understanding, and before I gave her something to grasp onto again, I sent her a text to let her know I understood, and I apologized for the delay.

11:01 a.m.

“You don’t even know how upset I am right now! It was a control thing from the top. I think he’s suspecting again. I just want to cry!”

After I read her text, I knew her words came from a sincere place and it broke my heart to know what her happiness was up against. Armed with my love for her, I began to realize somewhere in the distance lurked a beast, and he was out to kill both of us with his false sense of morality as our love for each other now faced its greatest test.