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EVERYTHING WE WERE - BOOK II
CHAPTER 23 ~ A PIECE OF HEAVEN

CHAPTER 23 ~ A PIECE OF HEAVEN

“I reached inside myself and found nothing there

to ease the pressure off my ever worried mind.”

~ “The Sun Always Shines on T.V.” A-HA

As I returned from the most emotional evening of my existence, under an unforgiving cold dark sky, and into an empty apartment of galactic silence, I slumped into my brown recliner unable to move, absolutely riddled with self-destructive thoughts. My head simply did not love me; a vicious vehicle encased in my skull who loved to run me over each time I ever tried to get back up, time and time again. I felt like such a fool to believe sex wasn’t taking place between them, and here I was perfectly loyal to her even in my thoughts, and she was unfaithful to me. I mean, it got me around to thinking even though my parents slept in different beds, I wouldn’t really know if they were intimate or not, but even so, at least my mother and father remained faithful to each other. What made her feel compelled to not kiss him yet have sex with him? Did he force himself upon her? Does she have a drinking problem? To imagine her giving an ounce of herself to him after all she told me about him, after all we had shared, made me literally sick to my stomach as I began to vomit the wine I drank earlier. How could she even allow me to feel a single thing for her if that was still going on especially when I initially walked away from her because she was married? Why did she tell me about his infidelities and her resentment yet still allow him to have her in that way after I had made the huge sacrifice of being in her life? Why did she tell me I broke her heart if that was going on? I felt like a rat first suffocated then slowly dissolved into the belly of a snake. Was I not supposed to ask? Was I not supposed to know? As much as she told me and showed me she loved me, that dynamic between them seemed such an impossibility. Was I taking this too personally? I mean, after all they are married, but if she respected her marriage why was she seriously involved with me for almost six months now?

I honestly didn’t know how to feel or what to think; I knew this pain but not to this extent, and this uncomfortable feeling inside my gut made it impossible to ignore. She told me she was “numb”; no feelings, but this told me otherwise. Now I understood better why her husband would fight for her. Why he thought she wasn’t there for the sake of the kids, and really who was I to get in his way? Out of all the men out there, all the douchebags who use women, who cheat and who play with their hearts, why did she choose me to hurt?

As these torturous thoughts gained steam, I heard my phone’s text tone ring and saw a blinking red light. It was the first time I lacked excitement to receive a text from her, but I couldn’t hide the fact especially after how she left, and the words she spoke to me through her tears, I greatly cared.

10:05 p.m.

“I’m really sad. R u ok?”

ME: “I’m okay. Please don’t be sad.”

ANYA: “Can’t help it.”

ME: “It was tough to hear, it hurt, but I don’t want you to be sad.”

ANYA: “Don’t want to hurt u anymore.”

ME: “Please don’t worry about me. I’m ok. I was just surprised. I’m sorry I even asked, but the alcohol got the best of me.”

ANYA: “I’d still like to meet on Monday if u want. U looked so cute tonight. Didn’t want to go home so made arrangements for my son. Met up w/Carolyn.”

ME: “I still want to meet you on Monday too.”

ANYA: “Ok I’m glad baby. I don’t think I’ll get much sleep tonight.”

ME: “Please don’t be sad or worry. It’s not worth losing sleep over.”

ANYA: “I’m so sorry. Katie is on her way home and I’ll be leaving here soon. I love u.”

ME: “I love u too.”

ANYA: “Forever?”

ME: “Forever. Forever?”

ANYA: “Forever!”

ME: “Haha! Ok then. Goodnight Sweetheart.”

ANYA: “Goodnight Love.”

As much pain I was in, her happiness meant more to me than my own as it was simply integral to hers. I didn’t want to make her feel sad, I loathed to see a single tear fall from her eyes knowing I was the cause, and it broke my heart more than the news she gave me earlier. I felt bad about asking what I did because the timing was awfully wrong. Even though I had the right to know, I was wrong by asking her in the manner and at the time in which I chose to. It put her in a real bad spot, and I had to give her a ton of credit. At a moment like that she could have easily lied, in a situation many women in her situation would have, yet she instead chose to tell me the truth. Also in her defense, I would have been caught off guard by my reaction too, but in my defense I went out of my way to be loyal to her, and to make every experience we shared together special. A lot of men would have hit it and quit it in this situation because they easily could of, but I loved her dearly, and I couldn’t deny it along with the fact I feared losing her because I know what I would return to; a life with zero meaning. Without her love or the belief that she truly loved me, my life was exit stage left. She just meant that much to me now. The fact she still slept with her husband wasn’t going to stop me from loving her and trying to make this relationship work, but at the same time, it was impossible to ignore the tremendous strain it put on a heart that now bled steadily. She was my everything and to imagine her in the arms of another man, especially him of all people, made this a lot tougher than I ever envisioned, but this was my reality now as I was like a deep sea diver who learned his gear was suddenly inoperable and now did not have enough time to reach the surface to survive the bends.

Twenty minutes later my phone’s text tone came to life once again.

11:16 p.m.

“It’s me again. Haven’t stopped thinking about you. I love u so much. Sorry, goodnight again.”

After I read this last text, I smiled then closed my eyes and surprisingly fell asleep.

The next day, a Saturday, Anya text me at various times that afternoon.

1:34 p.m.

“I hope ur having a nice day. I miss u.”

1:38 p.m.

“R u ok?”

1:53 p.m.

“I’m ok.”

2:17 p.m.

“I love you forever.”

I was just grateful it was a weekend for me, one in which I didn’t have to work as my vacation also began this week which afforded me some sulking time in the privacy of my one bedroom apartment, an area that felt more and more like a jail cell due to the mental paralysis I experienced. It tore me apart inside, so much so I didn’t even want to go outside as I searched for a way to not let it bother me, but here I was pushing Anya to be true to herself yet I refused to practice what I preached.

The following day I decided to take a drive to go visit my parents as the event of two evenings ago dug further into my mind. I just needed a mental breather, and thought maybe I could bum a couple of Vicodin off my mom to help me deal with the crater inside as it further deepened and widened. I arrived just before dinner time, as my dad was just out the door to grab some food for them. Even though he offered to pick something up for me as well, my stomach still wouldn’t allow me to enjoy a meal, so I declined and when he drove off, I went directly into my mother’s room. Upon my entry she sat at the edge of her bed watching “Sleepless in Seattle” for what had to be an official Guinness Book of World Record, but when she saw me Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan were abandoned in order to give me a hug. When she returned to the edge of her small one person bed, I stood before her with my request.

“Hey mom, could I grab a couple of Vicodin from you?” I asked.

“Is your back bothering you again?”

“Yeah.” I lied as it was actually my heart that bothered me.

“Just two.” she said.

“Why do you always say “just two”?” I asked. “I don’t want any more than a couple.”

“Well, they’re opiates and they can be extremely addicting.”

“I don’t have a mind that’s dependent on drugs mom, come on now.” I stated my case. “I would be an alcoholic by now if I was, right? I can drink quite a bit on occasion, but I never crave alcohol.”

“Well, this might work differently on you.”

“I highly doubt it.” I said dismissively as I took two pills from her pill box and showed them to her. “Thanks.”

“What brings you here, Honey?” she asked as her smile and eyes widened.

“I just wanted to get out of the house for a little while.” I said as I grabbed a bottle of water from her cabinet to take with one of the pills. “I needed to clear my head.”

“Oh, ok.” she said. “How’s Anya?”

“She’s fine.” I said.

“How are you guys doing?”

“We’re fine, Mom. We’re fine.” I said. “How are you feeling? Health wise? Are you okay?”

“Well, besides my arthritis, I’m okay.” she said.

“You have arthritis?” I asked in disbelief. “I thought only elderly people had arthritis.”

“I have bone cancer, Landy.” she reminded me. “Not to mention, I’m sixty-one now too you know.”

“Mom, don’t you have to at least be in your eighties to get arthritis? I thought only people in their eighties get that?”

“When you get bone cancer that can change in a hurry.” she explained.

The way my mother lived her life, you would never believe she had cancer. The house was spotless and she walked around without a care in the world. She did it with such ease at times I felt she pretended to have it to get sympathy from my father or me. It also was entirely possible she never had it because she had “beaten” it so many times. I saw the movie “Terms of Endearment” and cancer seemed pretty final, but somehow she made it seem like it was just the common cold. As I stood there though, and started to pay attention to her room, I noticed for the first time how her struggle surrounded me. On the outside of her closet door hung a pink and white banner that had ”Hope” in large letters surrounded by the words “Believe” written no less than ten times in smaller letters. Three different sized styled crosses graced her room and a small statue of the mother Mary with a baby Jesus in her arms stood proudly on her dresser. On a shelf across from her dresser she had three books, “The Book”, the “New American Standard Bible” and “The Bible Study and Prayer Book” next to a bookend of the praying bust of the Mother Mary. Next to this bookend was a small framed picture of Jesus with his arms and eyes pointed to the heavens, and below this particular shelf hung a single picture that contained a pink cross, a pink ribbon and a pink rose with a written affirmation titled “In God’s Hands” which read the following.

“As I face cancer, I affirm that God’s love and that He loves me.

I affirm that God is greater than what I am facing.

I affirm that God will never leave me or forsake me.

I affirm that God is my strength, my life and my healer.

I affirm that God holds me and that my life is in His hands.

O’ Lord my God, in You I take refuge and put my trust.”

~ Psalm 7:1

My mother’s life revolved around God, and her belief in Him. She introduced me to Him when I was a child, but life and education steered me away from the teachings of the Bible. I considered myself agnostic, the “I’ll believe just in case” religion, but a college education and the injustices of the world aided in my true belief He did not exist. If he did, there was no way a loving God would allow the things to happen here that do. I believed the Bible to be an important reference point and I applied it to Anya’s situation to justify my relationship with her, but God never did my mother justice to fill me with faith, and her Cancer did not appear to be worthy of her love for Him. There were many times I argued this point with her, and regardless if logic prevailed, she believed and trusted His plan for her. I never understood His plan to make her sick, and I rebelled against that, but at the same time I refused to argue with her about it because it was not my place to take something away from her that gave her strength. Her belief in Him alone that surrounded me at the moment justified my decision to just leave it alone.

After I did this brief inventory, I smiled at her before I finally found my seat in a dulled pink recliner chair right beside her bed as we began to watch “Sleepless in Seattle” together. I shamefully felt like the one with cancer as I sat there, and I began to envy my mother as she found enjoyment in just the simple things in life like a movie she had seen a trillion times. I began to rock slowly as I felt just like the bland colored chair before I gave it a purpose; worn, empty and beaten while the torturous thoughts resumed as I couldn’t believe Anya still slept with her husband. Why wouldn’t she tell me that or at least drop me some kind of hint? How could she assume I knew? How could she assume I would want to fall in love with someone who gave themselves to someone else? Here I was so loyal, completely faithful, and I know I didn’t have to be, but I loved her so much it was easy to be. She was the only person I imagined myself making love to since we reconnected almost six months ago. I couldn’t help but wonder how she could feel anything remotely close for me that I feel for her because if she did, wouldn’t she find it impossible to sleep with her husband? How would it be possible to shut off her feelings for me to fake it with him? How was that possible if she truly loved me at all?

As I suddenly became overburdened with these thoughts as they churned like a category five hurricane inside my skull, I did the absolutely unthinkable, and the utterly unimaginable.

“Last night..." I paused for a second. "Last night I found out Anya still sleeps with her husband.”

“Oh.” my mom replied, as her facial expression turning downcast.

“I put her in a real uncomfortable spot last night, but I think I needed to know. I asked her at a very inappropriate time. She had her back against the wall, and she told me she did. I mean she could have easily lied, but at least she was honest about it.”

“I don’t know what to say, Honey. I’m sorry.”

“Well, I know what you’re thinking and it’s fair, but before she left my place she was in tears and she kept saying over and over…”I love you.” I want to be with you.” I trust her. I believe her.” I further stated. “I know without a doubt she’s in love with me and not him. I feel secure in that, but it still hurts, you know.”

“I think it’s normal to feel that way.” she assured.

“Can I ask you a strange question?”

“So, it’s a normal question from you?” She replied, a bit on guard.

“No…it’s a little off base than my usual questions.”

“What is it?”

“You and Dad don’t still have sex…do you?” I asked, cringing inside.

“Me and your father?”

“No, you and the next door neighbor. “ I joked. “Yes. You and Dad. Do you guys still…you know.”

“All the time.”

“What?”

“We do it in every room.”

“Oh come on! That is so wrong, Mom!”

“What’s wrong with that?”

“What’s wrong with that?” I said mortified. “Everything!”

“Your father and I aren’t dead you know.”

“I know but I guess I was hoping you guys didn’t.”

“Well, we haven’t in years.”

“How many?”

“Since I lost my breast.”

“Oh.” I said with unexpected sorrow to know the last time was at least fifteen years as I began to swell inside with a sudden disdain for my father.

“It’s not your father’s fault.” she stated. “I didn’t want to.”

“Is that true?”

“When you lose a part of what makes you, well…that makes you, you. I don’t know. I just didn’t feel the same about it. Your father wanted to, but I didn’t.”

The narrative has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the infringement.

All I could do was nod affirmatively as I didn’t know what to say. If I had lost a part of me; an essential physical feature of my sexuality, I would be less inclined to sleep with my significant other too. I’d feel like they were faking it to please me, and I wouldn’t have wanted that. I hoped for some mental solace from the answer to my question, but it left me feeling even more depressed than when I arrived.

“I’m sorry I asked you that question. To be honest, what she revealed to me just ripped me to shreds. I would have not gotten involved if I had known that was going on. You know how my heart works. It’s not made for this sort of thing.” I said. “But I love her to pieces. She’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

My mother looked at me and I could see the sadness in her eyes. She saw a Landyn over the last six months she never saw before, a Landyn who was truly happy. In my thirty seven years of life I never spoke of love with her nor had I talked about even being content with life, but for the first time in nearly six months she saw the Landyn who used to walk with his head down in public. It was clear to her, regardless of the grounds in which my relationship stood upon, she saw how this love breathed life into me. For the first time in years my head was up, but now it began to bow again, and it was then she shared with me a different perspective, one I never considered because it was simply a side I’ve never been on.

“How long has she been married now?”

“Fifteen years.” I informed her. “Fifteen years this June.”

“Well, when you’re married fifteen years Landy, it’s not the same.” she said. “It’s almost like fulfilling a need more than anything. Everyone has needs sometimes. She can’t be with you so she has to settle. Have you guys been intimate sexually?”

“I’ve been hesitant to because of the heavy feelings. When we part it’s hard on both of us, and she has to go home to face her kids and her husband.” I said. “Now, it’s going to be a lot tougher because I want her to experience it only with me.”

“After fifteen years, trust me Honey, he’s old hat to her, and even with all the love you feel for her, as hard as it is to believe, she’s old hat to him too, otherwise he would’ve never strayed.”

“That’s hard to believe, she’s so beautiful.” I said.

“Did you think she wasn’t sleeping with him?”

“Of course, especially knowing you and Dad sleep in different beds in different rooms and you’ve never cheated on each other before. I thought she slept out on the couch in the living room you know? Alone and sad, but I guess what does she tell the kids if she does that?”

“She could tell them daddy snores too much and that’s why she sleeps outside.” she told me.

“I suppose so.”

“Landy, it’s probably just sex, and it’s more to fill a need than anything to be enjoyed. When you have kids, things change. Everything changes.”

I took a deep sigh to release the stress I felt over our conversation.

“Thanks, I think I need to look at things from a different perspective, and not just my own, here.”

“Try not to be like every other man out there, Honey.” she instructed. “She’s already got one.”

I chuckled then nodded.

“I'll do my best.” I told her.

I appreciated the angle my mother gave me. It wasn’t easy for her to do, but she knew how it affected me. She also didn’t want to sugarcoat anything yet she knew what I was in search of. She saw the positive change in me over the last six months; she intimately knew this change in me, and regardless of the circumstances she could tell it brought me closer to God because of all the love it brought forth inside me. I believed she told me all she did because she didn’t want to alter the love within me; the love for myself and for another. When I left the house that day, I felt better not because of a pill but simply because of the most cringe worthy question any son or daughter could ever ask their parent.

Anya and I decided to meet at ten thirty in the morning at a coffee shop right off the coast of Palos Verdes, a spot I found on my drives over the years but never had the chance to go to until now. I thought we could meet there then take a drive along the coast, or go for a hike on one of the trails down to the water. I never ventured on the trails much so I couldn’t say I knew my way around, and knowing my luck I’d probably get us lost so I hoped for just a drive along the coast to avoid any embarrassment.

As I drove along the PV coastline, I thought about the unpredictable day before me. As much as I loved her, I was in over my heart. Of course, it was easier said than done to end our relationship, because I knew if I did end things between us, I’d never trust another woman again. To love someone this deeply, a love you knew was a forever kind of love, another woman in my life never stood a chance because I knew how love should feel now, and if I ever fell again, I knew it would take years before I genuinely would be ready to open myself up to trusting again. My heart was like the ground after a crater created by an extremely dense meteor made contact, it just will never be the same again.

I arrived at the coffee shop in Palos Verdes an hour early to scope the place out before she arrived. The first thing I noticed was the vast empty patio area replete with chairs and fire pits that overlooked the entire coast. Not only was it majestic but perfect for any conversation we could have. Since it was a Monday morning, most people were in and out for it was a workday, and didn’t have the time to lounge out in the patio area. Even though the sky was completely overcast, the view of the endless ocean in front of me filled the air with promise. After I grabbed a hot green tea for myself and an unsweetened passion iced tea for her, I pulled together two chairs and a small table for us as I stressed over what we’d talk about before she arrived. Even though I had planned to present my “essay” to her, and had it for the most part memorized, I still didn’t know if it was the best time to present it. I had to refocus, and try not to get caught up in the drama of two nights ago, and I felt it was impossible to do on her visit. Even up to the very minute she arrived, I had no idea how the day was going to go, but I honestly believed at the end of the day, as much as I loved her, and even with the positive message I took from my mother, I felt we would end our relationship. My heart was in it; I just didn’t believe it could take it.

There comes a time in life when sometimes we have to say good-bye to the things we love the most in and about life, and this was how I began to feel about us. There also comes a time when we have to look ourselves in the mirror and realize we may be living a dishonest life. I didn’t like the fact Anya lived a dishonest life and I had now become a part of it. My job as the man she loved and as the man who loved her was to bring her into the realm of honesty and out from under the cloud of deception, and if I couldn’t do that, it was better to know now than later. I had to find out if she planned to stay under this cloud or she planned to come out from under it; into the sunshine of the truth, but I had to find out today, even if it cost me the world I now knew, and after what I learned a couple of nights ago, it was clear the time was now.

An hour later, on time as always, she appeared in the patio right before me, next to the empty chair. She had her sunglasses on and looked gorgeous as her dark wavy hair hung perfectly along the sides of her face. I then rose to hug her and I made sure she was seated before I sat down next to her. She smiled at me and didn’t say a word as she sat down to take a look at the view before us, far across the open Pacific Ocean as the water seemed to dance for us under the gray clouds of the day and of the moment. As she began to look back in my direction, I was at a loss for words, not because I didn’t have anything to say, but because I didn’t know what to say. My mind was in limbo, like a ghost, bound to her like the earth; lost, unsure of what exists and what doesn’t anymore yet in denial but full of hope. Before I could say something to alter the waves of sound, she spoke first.

“How are you?” she asked softly as she turned to me.

“I’m okay. How are you?”

“I’m okay. Nervous.” she said as she looked again at the ocean before her. “I’m not sure what to expect today.”

“Me too.” I admitted.

“I love you, Landyn.”

“I love you too.” I said. “That’s why it was so hard for me to hear. I have feelings for you now, Anya -- deep ones. I’m affected by something like this now.”

“It’s just sex, babe.” she said.

“I know, I understand that, and I’m sure you’re fulfilling a need there I can’t fulfill when you need it, but it’s also a form of intimacy though. What is so easy for you to say is hard for me to feel.” I said. “You have nineteen years with this man. You have history, two children with him, and something leads up to those moments you have with him. Moments I feel you led me to believe weren’t happening at all. If I was dating someone and I told you we had sex, and that’s all it was, how would you feel about that especially if you deeply loved me? Sweetheart, I look to you for guidance. I put my complete trust in you. I don’t understand why you wouldn’t tell me that was going on.”

“I guess I felt some things were better left unsaid.” she told me. “Babe, it’s not what you think. I don’t feel anything for him. There’s nothing left after all he’s done, and I’ve never felt anything close with him, for him to what you consider to be “intimacy” as what I’ve felt with you, for you.”

“I’m just a different kind of man, a bit old-fashioned I guess, and I see this through a distorted lense. I’ve never slept with anyone unless I had enormous feelings for them, and it’s hard for me to relate. I apologize for that. I would probably be more tolerant if I was the kind of guy who got laid often, but I don’t. It’s just the way I am. When I walked away from you the first time, this was the reason why. It wasn’t because I didn’t think the world of you, I was drawn to you on day one, but it was because I felt so much already and I didn’t want to get hurt like I did in my last relationship. I didn’t want to feel the pain of someone I cared about sharing intimacy with anyone else but me.”

“It’s just sex, Love. That’s all it is.” she soothed. “It’s a chore more than anything else.”

“Do you sleep naked in bed?”

“No. I’m in my bra and panties.”

“I still wouldn’t be able to keep my hands off of you.” I told her, truthfully.

Anya, suddenly removed her sunglasses and leaned in to kiss me as the look in her weak eyes told me what I said held value to her. I could see she looked tired as if she had cried for the last couple of days, and it broke my heart to see that. I think what hurt me the most was the realization that after I was loyal to her, she wasn’t loyal to me, and even though she was technically married, I felt for her to honor that part of her marriage while dishonoring it was wrong after all we had shared, all she had told me. If I had been in her life for five weeks then I could understand better but not after five months. I had to give her credit though; she was honest with me about it when I asked. She could have lied as I had her in a precarious position but she chose to tell me the truth regardless of the consequences, and that carried some weight.

“Thank you for my tea.” she said before slowly pulling away and then taking a sip from her cup.

“You’re welcome.” I replied. “When you went to Carolyn’s afterwards what did she think? Was she upset with me?”

“No, she agreed with you about asking me about it. She said she would want to know too.” she said. “You know, my husband told me one time he would end his life if I ever left him.”

“Well, we know he’s obviously not playing with a full deck if he cheated on you, but do you think he would actually take his life?” I asked with concern.

“No, I don’t.” she informed me. “He has too much going for him. He would never do it.”

“Good.”

To learn her husband now resorted to emotional blackmail made me dislike him even more than I already did. It was bad enough to cheat on your wife many times but even just as bad, if not worse, was to make her feel responsible for your infidelities if she chose to be with someone who truly loved her and someone who truly respected her feelings. Not only that, to take his own life with two children in his life who adored him would be killing three people all at once, and would be his most selfish act in a history of selfish acts yet he would pin the blame on their mother by taking his life, the woman he cheated on numerous times. His narcissistic behavior shone brightly to me at this moment more than any other and after I received this information I began to fantasize about the opportunity to talk to him one day and to reveal who I was, why I was here and what I stood for. The more she told me about him, the more I felt justified by being in her life, and I was ready to teach the entire family what love, a marriage, and a real family based on love was truly all about when and if the time came.

“It’s so beautiful here” she broke. “It’s quite astonishing.”

“Yes, it is.” I concurred. “Even though the sky is pretty dismal you can feel the warmth of the sun behind the clouds.”

“Do you know of any trails that can take us down to the water?”

“It’s been years since I’ve been this way.” I honestly revealed. “Are you down for a little adventure?”

“With you, always.” she said.

“Shall we?” I stated before I rose from my chair.

I hated to leave such a glorious spot with its beautiful view of the ocean behind especially when I had no clue how to get down to the water or where a trail even existed. Eighteen years had passed since the last time I was here, when a cop decided to pull up on my conservative girlfriend, Sara as she was changing into her bikini inside my car, but I knew where I was headed then, and I had no idea where I was headed now. The only certain thing I knew at this time was uncertainty.

To say the least my clothing did not scream “Hey, I got an idea. Let’s go hiking!” as I sported a long sleeved shirt along with a pair of blue jeans because of the overcast low sixty degree conditions. Anya, on the other hand, wore a light purple sundress with flip flops, which made it clearly apparent one person was more prepared on a search for a trail more than the other. When we arrived at my car, I opened the door for her to let her inside then closed her door. When I entered my car she leaned over the center console to kiss me as it was nice to taste her lips again without the saltiness of her tears. We then smiled at each other as we began our journey to the nearest trail I could find. There were only a couple of spots to park along the rocky Palos Verdes Coast, but I thought it could indicate there was a trail nearby. The first spot I came across had no parking spots, which left me to venture down the winding road a mile further. The land off the cliffs of Palos Verdes was in constant movement and it wasn’t out of the realm of possibility the road could suddenly disappear beneath us and fall into the sea hundreds of feet below. I didn’t want to alarm Anya by telling her this tidbit of information though because it was unlikely, but we were out on a real adventure here.

A mile further we came upon a spot called Abalone Cove. The parking lot was completely empty and since I feared this would be our only chance at finding a trail, I decided to park there. What lied on the trails below us escaped my knowledge, but I thought the worst kind of preparation was to be unprepared. After we got out of the car, I went to my trunk and took out a couple of large light blue and white beach towels and a small cooler full of bottled water and Coronas for us. When Anya saw the towels a large smile broke on her face and she thanked me three times, thoroughly surprised I did such a thing as her reaction to the simple gesture was the real surprise.

“I don’t know if we’ll find a place to sit at but in case we do.” I reasoned.

“You’re the best.” she said as she leaned in to kiss me.

After we walked parallel to the ocean hundreds of feet below us for about five minutes, we came upon a trail that appeared to be fairly steep but did wind downward toward the water. I then worried about Anya hurting her ankle as she had done so many times running, but the excitement in her eyes and voice when we spotted the track gave me some assurance she could manage it. If she did hurt it however, I felt I could carry her back to the car if I had to, in fact, I would have been honored to do so.

As we began our trek down the trail, surrounded by various dull green and brown bushes with budding flowers, the path took a sudden steep turn and we had to walk sideways just to keep our balance going forward. As we kicked up dust, dirt and twigs on our way down, in the most remarkable moment of my life we came upon a completely clean and private small beach.

“I don’t believe this.” I said in wonder. “I can’t believe this.”

“You didn’t know this was here?”

“I had no idea.” I said as I looked at her as we both watched the sun suddenly break free from its bondage of the clouds to shine upon the sand below us. “I guess it was just meant to be.”

“I think it was babe.” she said. “Just like us.”

For some reason, things always had a way of working out for Anya and I. At a time we needed it the most. At a time we possibly neared our end, the skies literally opened up for us and turned from gray to blue as we stumbled upon our own beach, our very own secluded paradise as if someone upstairs rooted for us. The timing of the moment meant everything as we desperately needed to be surrounded by beauty to see the beauty we found in each other. No place on earth, including Laguna Beach and Tenerife could compete against what the heavens bestowed upon us, as two hearts that beat against each other now began to beat as one, once again.

I then grabbed a Corona for both of us once I sat the cooler down as we looked out upon an entertaining ocean that seemed to be excited we were there. Still in disbelief, I looked around and again took notice we were alone, as I was left in complete awe how a place so beautiful, even on a Monday morning, could be so empty. There was no way I could have planned this without divine intervention of some kind, and if I didn’t actually live it I would never believe this event actually took place. Before I could lay a towel down for her, Anya decided to take a seat and dug her feet in the sand instead. With her care free spirit on full display, my heart almost stopped again as she then turned to me with her beautiful black wavy hair while it blew gently in the soft ocean breeze and a huge comforting warm smile.

“I did good, right?” I probed, jokingly.

“You did a lot better than good, babe. This is downright amazing! SO beautiful!”

“I’m just lucky I remembered somewhat where these trails might be. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I’d stumble upon this place though. I’m just thrilled it’s to your liking.”

“I love it here!”

“Me too—I wish we could do this any time we wanted to.”

“It’s my dream.”

“Mine too.”

“I’m sorry about my reaction the other night.” she shifted.

“Nothing to apologize for. I was drunk and I don’t know what I looked like to you.” I said. “I’m sorry if I scared you. That wasn’t my intention. I tend to be sensitive and emotional at times, but I would never be upset at you enough to lay a finger on you, Sweetheart. I hope you know that.”

“I know babe.” she said. “Years ago, I had someone stalk me and I guess the moment took me back.”

“No kidding. How long ago was that?” I asked with concern.

“It was before I met my husband. Almost twenty-five years ago.”

“Was it the man you were engaged to?”

“No, it wasn’t him. It was another guy from back when I was in college.”

“Oh. I see. I’m sorry you went through that.” I said. “I’m sure it was scary.”

“It was.” she said. “He was not…he was just not right.”

Her revelation helped me to understand her reaction from the other night. From her perspective based on all the emotions involved, and I’m not sure exactly what she experienced as I didn’t want to conjure up a bad memory by asking, there was an unpredictable air about me. As much as I didn’t expect to hear what I did from her, she didn’t expect me to ask her such a question at a time she was in a truly vulnerable spot. It brought me back to the hammer incident with Sara. How I lost my cool and threw a hammer as it inadvertently took a turn in her direction. I never understood domestic violence, because I don’t know what a man could ever prove by beating up a woman. I could understand though how things could get emotionally heated, so maybe a push to keep a woman away I could understand, but to clench a fist and to physically attack a woman?. Crazy. Even as much Denise hurt me, I had way too much pride to follow someone around who had zero interest in me.

After Anya revealed her experience, I held out my hands to bring her into my arms so I could hold her and apologize again.

“I’m really sorry you went through that. Some men are just like lions, and you know, you can never get too close to lions even if they look tame.” I said. “I think athletes in particular are high risk because they’re very competitive by nature and mostly egotistical. Was this guy anything like that?”

“I found out a little too late.” she said. “He was a professional volleyball player.”

“Ah.”

“Have you ever stalked anyone?”

“Ha! No.” I said. “I might stalk you though so be careful.”

“I wouldn’t mind!” she exclaimed.

“Oh, you don’t say?” I laughed. “Well, as much as I love you, and as much low self-esteem I’ve had in my life, even I have too much pride to do something like that.”

“You have low self-esteem?”

“I’ve had it pretty much my entire life.” I admitted.

“How come? That doesn’t make any sense to me.”

“Really? Why not?”

“Why not? Because you’re smart. You’re charming. You’re funny. You’re handsome. You’re sexy.” she said. “It’s just hard for me to believe. You have so much going for you. I don’t understand how that could be.”

“Glad I brought these Coronas!” I said as I pointed at my beer. “Bottoms up babe! You must have not eaten breakfast because they seem to be really kicking in!”

“Oh stop it!” she said seriously. “That’s how I see you babe.”

“Well, I’m glad one of us sees me that way.” I said as I began to unfurl the towels I brought. “For each thing you like about me, I could probably find two things to dislike about myself.”

“I don’t understand.” she said as she moved closer to me to sit on one of the towels I laid down next to each other. “Why? How could that be?”

For the first time I realized Anya and I were like two flowers, but she was the only one in bloom. She opened up her entire world to me, her entire self, and she made me take notice I held back in fear; a fear she would search for things to not like about me, like Denise did, and leave me stranded with a ton of feelings. At this moment however, she made me feel more secure with all my insecurities than ever before. A moment created by an entity we both could not see but could only put our faith in as it hid behind the gifts it had given us, the warm sun, a cool breeze and a comfortable beach. I guess it was just my turn to use her light, a light I may have given her, to photosensitize.

“My father got my mother pregnant when he was twenty-seven, and she was twenty-three. They weren’t married, and her pregnancy was unexpected. She was pregnant with me.” I opened up. “I guess you could say their timing was off, maybe much like ours, but I always felt because of the untimely pregnancy my father looked upon me as ruining his life. That his life would have been much better if he didn’t have me. I always felt more like my father’s greatest mistake, more than being his greatest gift. I’ve lived with that for so long I’ve just come to accept it. Whenever things went wrong in his life it seemed he took his frustrations out on me. I don’t think they would ever tell me, but I’m sure my parents discussed having an abortion because times were tough for them. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate my father. He’s a good man, he took care of my mother and I, but I never felt truly loved by him. As the years went by, I’ve observed my mother and father’s marriage and I told myself “my marriage will never be like that.” He’s never laid a finger on my mother but he has shown her a general disrespect at times, as if her thoughts and opinions didn’t matter to a point where I saw his unkind remarks bring her to tears. Then he would take it out on me afterwards. He was brought up in an unloving environment for the most part so I think that’s where it comes from. My father is emotionally devoid because his own father was the same way with him too. So that’s where my self-esteem issues stem from. It’s not a bad thing necessarily because it forced me to never settle for anything less than love in its purest form because I’ve seen something people call “love” before that doesn’t look or feel like it is. Then as I got older, I had my heart broken a few times, and I started to believe the love I believed in and held out for all these years probably didn’t exist, but then I met you, and you’ve shown me there’s a chance it just might.”

“I’m sorry babe.” she said with sincerity. “I never knew.”

“Well, you’re the only one who does.” I confessed.

“You’re a wonderful man, Landyn.”

“I try to be.”

“You stand taller than every man out there in my eyes. I know what they’re all about.” she stated. “You have the most beautiful heart and mind. I’m so impressed with your humility.”

“Thank you.” I replied, smiling. “I’m grateful you think so.”

“As a teenager, my girlfriends and I used to play “Truth or Dare” with boys and sometimes find ourselves on a dare locked in a closet alone with a boy for two minutes.” she said. “We couldn’t leave the closet until after the two full minutes were up.”

“Now that’s a true dare, especially in a small closet if you were with a boy you didn’t like.”

“Oh, believe me babe! I couldn’t wait to get out of the closet each and every time!” she laughed. “But if I was in the closet with you though, I would never want to leave.”

“In all fairness, I don’t think I’d let you leave.” I teased. “So maybe that’s part of it.”

“Nope, I wouldn’t want to.” she said as the sun brought out the beauty in her brown eyes as they gazed into mine.

“I’d think we would lose track of the time anyway.” I said while smiling back at her.

Surrounded by the beauty of the day I brought my hand upwards to gently touch her face. She then moved her body softly into mine as she covered herself with the oversized towel from underneath her. Under a vibrant sun in the most accommodating of spots, we both lost ourselves under the large blue and white beach towels like we were lost in the stories that brought us closer together. Oblivious to all around us, as if we were in my room, and after nearly two full hours of kissing, Anya emerged from the towels, and while on her knees she began to remove her sundress. Without a second thought, I then began to remove my clothing as I also removed all that remained of hers. As she stayed with her knees in the sand I began to touch her in a place of heightened sensitivity as in the background a sun beheld and kissed her while an ocean roared its delight through waves that tried in vain to touch her, a side and sight of nature I’ve never witnessed before as it made me aware of what an angel probably looked like.

It was then, within nature’s grace, we no longer felt like a part of this earth, as it seemed we were part of an entirely new world, a dimension all our own. This moment, one that somehow escaped my dreams yet now soaked itself in the sunrays of reality brought out our love for each other in a manner of virtuoso proportions on a beach only a supreme being could have trusted us with, at a time we needed it the most to save us, and with our love’s end in play, this entity compassionately gave us a piece of heaven as we let it fully engulf us. After the most perfect moment of my entire life, Anya gazed deeply into my soul.

“Have you ever said “I love you forever” to anyone?”

“I never have.” I said. “Never felt strongly enough before.”

“Can we own it?” she asked. “It’ll be our own little “I love you” to each other.”

“It would be an honor.”

I love you forever; Precisely.