“I’m aware of all your rules.

But you know that I will run.

No matter where I’ll follow you.

Don’t make me go.”

~ “Hold Me in Your Arms” Helloween

I couldn’t believe a day that started so well for me could end up so badly. My heart went on a Valentine’s dinner date with her husband. I know that sounds ridiculous but after all we shared the previous day I felt this dinner was ridiculous. I just didn’t know what to think, but after I took the Vicodin I felt surprisingly at ease with it, and I started to see a sliver of a silver lining. The truth was this, and these were the facts. Yes I was hurt, but at the same time what was she supposed to do? What could I expect her to do? Tell him no or else? I knew the rules of engagement coming in, and I wasn’t ready for her to leave him regardless how much this dinner date put my patience to the ultimate test. My love for Anya was a galaxy all its own which collided into another spiraling galaxy, my sensitivity, and their collision created a whole new breeding ground to my thoughts as I couldn’t deny how this dinner made me feel. How it made me feel so helpless and sad that it wasn’t with me. How badly I wanted to sit next to her and talk under a barely lit candle light then go home and showed her how much she meant to me. To imagine her doing that with another man, especially with the man she told me so many horrible things about which not only allowed me, but also encouraged me to feel this way, just flat out impaled me inside. I felt I had gotten to know Anya well enough to believe she wouldn’t do this to me, but maybe she would? But what would be her incentive to hurt me though?

I had to be honest with myself. The anguish I felt about her dinner was overwhelming. In fact, I had never been so hurt by the actions of another woman before in my life and this came from someone who told me she loves me nearly every day. I loved Anya dearly but my heart simply couldn’t take the emotions I felt especially when I considered I only got an hour of sleep last night if that, and had a long twelve hour workday ahead of me. I know she probably felt bad, but I wish she had not mentioned anything to me or at least told me about it when she was over my place. The V-Day dinner date had to be planned, and I highly doubt it wasn’t an annual thing for them. I had to get down to the bottom of what this dinner was all about, and let her know I was hurt by it. It wouldn’t be right if I hid these feelings from her, but as far as I was concerned, if this was an annual Valentine’s dinner date I had to walk away from our relationship for good. My heart just wasn't made for this.

I usually heard from her early in the morning and when I didn’t it fueled my need to let her know how this made me feel as my grief intensified.

“I was really hurt last night by your Valentine’s Day dinner.” I texted.

“What?” she responded.

When I received her response I was caught by surprise. It felt very insensitive of her to state “what” as if my feelings didn’t even matter. Then again, my text was straightforward and caught her by surprise so I reined in my feelings and clarified myself.

“I’m afraid you went out on an annual Valentine’s dinner date with your husband.”

It was kind of strange to tell her this. She lived with the man. She had two kids with him. Not to mention he was only her husband. However she told me she did not love him and that she loved me, so I just expected her not to accept his love if she was seeing me. If she had decided not to give us a chance then I would have felt differently about this, but if this was indeed a dinner date then it would make me a home wrecker in every sense of the word which would propel me to end our relationship for good.

8:23 a.m.

“Can you call me?”

I couldn’t do it. I was too distraught and too afraid I’d say the wrong thing. I was hardly awake and mentally exasperated. I didn’t know quite how to respond and I had to get to work so I didn’t, and let her dictate the textversation as I began my drive to the office.

8:35 a.m.

“Yes. I went out to an annual V day dinner. There were 10 of us. What is this all about? Can you please talk to me? I don’t understand what is going on in your head. Dinner, yes. Romantic, no. What did I do after dinner? Went to sleep.”

After I read she went with a group and then went to bed after dinner I felt very terribly for her, sad and embarrassed. She was with ten people, hardly a romantic evening for anyone. I kept driving as I felt like a complete fool, and if I was afraid to call her before this message I was petrified now. I then began to break down, just worn out by all my negative thoughts, as tears fell from my eyes. I could count the number of times I had cried in my life on one hand, but this text just tore into me as I went from devastation to compassion, and it overwhelmed me as I learned what a whirlwind of emotions truly felt like, but my heart broke a little more after I received her next few texts.

9:12 a.m.

“I’ve been sick to my stomach since you text me this morning. Don’t know how much I can handle if this little hiccup makes me this sick. I love you so much it hurts.”

9:13 a.m.

“I text you last night because I was wishing you were with me.”

9:15 a.m.

“I’m sorry, I wish things were different. You don’t even know how much I wanted to see you yesterday. I can’t get you off my mind.”

Upon receipt of this text for her, just a few minutes from the office, I pulled my car over to the side of the road and called her to apologize.

“I’m sorry Sweetheart. I blew things out of proportion.” I said. “I knew these feelings were deep but I just didn’t expect to feel so hurt by your V-Day dinner. Now that you told me you were with a group I feel awful. I don’t want to lie to you about my feelings and I didn’t want to ruin your night by telling you how it made me feel. I’m not used to being loved, and I’m definitely not used to having love in my life. Did you expect to feel this way when we met? I thought I was over the days of being hurt by someone.”

“No I didn’t know what to expect either. All I knew is that I was crazy about you from day one.” she said. “Feelings are so strong I question it; it’s like an infatuation. I question our strong feelings; I don’t know if this is normal or even healthy. I know “love” but not this way. I would rather die than never have you in my life.”

I was blown away by her last statement. It was truly how I felt. The world was completely different now after meeting Anya. If I lost her, it would be the final nail in my coffin. No joke. Her love, and just who she was, meant that much to me. I was certain love would never feel like this again as I knew someone else, anyone else, would not be able to compete because I now knew what love should feel like. If she would rather die than never have me in her life, I would make sure she'd never want to die.

“Well, I think I’m now fit for a straightjacket and a psycho ward after learning you were out with a group last night.” I said.

“Psycho ward? I don’t need to commit, I know I’m crazy! Crazy over you!” she said as she laughed. “We are very lucky to have found each other. Some people go through their entire lives and never find love.”

“Maybe, and I’m just applying my psychoanalysis skills here but maybe all you wanted was to be happy and to feel love in your life again and you found a guy who was willing to let you have that and that’s why you don’t feel ambivalent to your marriage?” I said. “I guess sometimes I tend to think it’s the lifestyle your marriage affords you more than the marriage itself that makes you feel as if you’re not ambivalent to it. It was really my greatest fear last June, the first time we met. I don’t believe it’s a materialistic thing with you but more of an image thing. Sometimes I’m afraid I’m just in your life to fill a void.”

“Wow! I didn’t know you felt that way.” she said. “I think your psychoanalysis is wrong. At this time in my life, “stuff” doesn’t matter. I don’t have anything to prove. Just want to be happy again, but never asked or wanted to fall in love like this. You know the cliché, “money doesn’t buy you happiness”? I understand it. The way you make me feel, I want to have it again. I haven’t “felt” in years. My kids are my life right now. I truly love them and care about their well-being. I would give up my “lifestyle” and “image” in a heartbeat if my kids were not in the picture. I would be the luckiest girl to have a future with you. I believe you’re in my life for a reason. It’s not every day two people just connect instantly. I think we have something special here. I’ve felt love before but not this strongly. ”

“Oh well, I guess it’s safe to say Sigmund Freud just rolled over in his grave after my psychoanalysis.” I said. “I hope I didn’t offend you with what I said.”

“Ha!” she laughed. “Not at all. I appreciate your honesty. I’m sorry if I come across as a spoiled girl, I’m really not. I don’t allow it. I love life, good people, and good fun!”

“I’m sorry if I did. I didn’t mean to.”

“You didn’t babe. You know it’s funny. I feel like I can talk to you about anything and you’re in tune with me. We haven’t even talked about what is going on in the world because we’re so engulfed in “our world”.

“I agree Sweetheart!” I exclaimed still embarrassed by my feelings about her dinner. “Oh great.”

“What babe?”

“I just realized I left my laptop at home before I left the house this morning. That was brilliant.”

“You know brilliant people are known to be absent minded!”

“Well, that proves it. It’s official.”

“What’s official?”

“That you’re crazy about me.”

“Yep!” she laughed.

“I hate to chat and run but I better get going Sweetheart.” I told her. “I can’t wait to see you again.”

“Can’t wait to be in your arms again. Are you going out this weekend? Don’t think I’ll be able to break away, busy weekend, kids’ stuff. My friend is coming over tonight to talk some more about her situation. I want to see you next week. When are you going to L.A?”

“I’ll be in Burbank four days next week to help on an audit. I’ll be back home late next Thursday evening.”

“Ok maybe Friday?”

“Friday works for me!”

“Sounds good baby! Glad we’re ok! Enjoy this beautiful day! I miss your beautiful eyes and smile!”

“I miss everything about you Sweetheart. Enjoy your day too! Thanks for straightening me out. Love you!”

“Love you too!”

A day I expected to be full of turmoil and sadness ended up just the opposite. I was truly relieved I was wrong; it would have been the end of me if I was right. I learned I needed to think more positively about our relationship. I learned I needed to trust in her love as much as she trusted in mine, as I vowed to trust in her love for me from this day on. Trust was not something I handed out, it really had to be earned because of my past, and all the times I thought positively about the feelings of women for me, how each and every time I completely misread their feelings. When she told me “I would rather die than not have you in my life”, that was undoubtedly the most powerful statement she had ever made to me and proof I was doing the right thing by fighting for her and believing in our love. I had to fight any negativity I felt for her and for her alone. I simply had to ditch my past and look ahead because I knew a glorious future and the ultimate love awaited me if I did. I had found her; I found her a little too late, but I found her. Anya didn’t run from my pain, but rather faced it head on, and it was the first time a woman had ever done that for me. There was no other explanation for it other than it being love in its purest form, and I loved her just as much as I too would rather die than never have her in my life.

I didn’t care what she did for her kids in her marriage, but there were times when things would become blurred because of the unknown variable when she was home. I struggled to solve for x and positive thoughts were hard to come by at times for me, but I just had to ask her if I had any doubts. I could be honest with her, but I couldn’t give her any grief…especially not now; not after only a little over two and a half months, however it was harder to ask questions now because she had such a hold on my heart, and her words stung more now than they did a month ago. I already knew she was ambivalent towards her marriage but at the same time, I didn’t want her to show it because it was too soon. I didn’t mean to tell her I was hurt. I didn’t want her to feel pressured or worried, but I had to understand what was going on. Also, in her own words, if we weren’t honest with each other we didn’t stand a chance, and I felt I had to be open about how I felt. Again, this wasn’t about “me”. This was about “we”, but I recognized I had to be the noble one right now. I simply had to battle the pain that x brought with it. I loved Anya though so I had to put my hurt aside and keep it to myself. I trusted her love, more than ever after today, and I believed we now felt more secure with our feelings. We had our first test today and we came out okay, and it was something we could build on. Not every day in any relationship was going to be sunny, and nothing worth having in this life is easy. Our communication broke the clouds away and I really believed my greatest test was behind me.

After my long but uneventful day at the office came to its merciful end, and with a back that now felt a little better, I went home to crash in my bed but just before I did, Anya text me.

8:01 p.m.

“I miss u. You scared me this morning! I’m home alone just waiting for my girlfriend.”

“I almost went to bed just before you texted me. Glad I stayed awake! I’m sorry again. Thanks for understanding. I miss u too.” I responded.

8:07 p.m.

“I’m sure you’re exhausted. Your bed is going to feel like heaven tonight. Sorry I caused you so much drama.”

“That’s on me Sweetheart. Not your fault at all. I feel awful about putting you through that. I just misinterpreted everything. Just know I love you very much. That’s where it was coming from.” I clarified.

8:13 p.m.

“Wish I could give you a big hug. I love you very much too. I better go, my girlfriend is here. Get lots of rest baby! You can sleep on my side for now!”

This was by far the most memorable Valentine’s Day of my life, but it was the day after Valentine’s Day that brought me the most love and the most memories. I barely slept a wink the night before and the fatigue brought along an indescribable uneasiness within me I had never felt before, but by the time our morning exchange was over, I ran on pure adrenaline the rest of the day. Now I was on an adrenaline crash, but it was a good one. Peace and good dreams were upon me and I welcomed them with a closed consciousness. What a difference twenty four hours could make.

The next few days Anya was involved with the marriage woes of her friend. I felt saddened for her friend, and even though I felt it was probably best for her to divorce her husband, I reserved judgment because I didn’t know the specifics. As much as it wasn’t my business, I feared it could affect Anya, so I was interested in what Flora would do as she was still undecided at this point. Anya brought me up to date on things the next morning.

9:07 a.m.

“It was really hard for me to see her like this. We sat in my kitchen and talked till midnight. It was hard to see how much she was hurting knowing that somebody will get hurt with me. I know my situation is different but hearts are involved here too. Heavy thoughts. I’m so in love with you I fight every day.”

I trusted Anya’s love for me. I had to, but I’d be lying if I said what she just text me didn’t scare me. I wanted her to care about the hearts of her children though; that was important. I held onto her “kids are resilient” statement as those words came from her and not from me as I trusted everything she had told me so far. I put my life, my entire heart and soul into her beautiful words, but what she really needed from me was to listen and to not add colorful commentary. The time for an opinion was not now.

“I know you struggle with breaking the hearts of your kids.” I texted. “I just hope you know I’d rather you hurt me than hurt your kids. I love you.”

10:37 a.m.

“Do you know how special you are? I’m floored. I LOVE YOU!!!”

I meant every word for these two innocent people I knew of but did not know. As bad as I wanted to meet them one day, their happiness was paramount to my own, and I would have rather suffered pain that led to my ashes than for them to suffer. Anya was allowed to worry for her kids and I understood how her fear existed, but I believed over time I would learn how it manifested and then I would be able to ease her fears but for now, I accepted them and truly understood as I held on to the belief that love eventually prevails.

I hadn’t travelled for work in a while but we were understaffed on an engagement in Burbank so I decided to help them on site for four days. Although I was a manager I didn’t believe in just delegating and always working from the office. I preferred to be hands on and support my team as much as possible to ensure the job was done under budget and that we realized a profit on the engagement. I travelled extensively early on in my career. I had spent so much time in Utah for work I was nearly a resident of the state. Although we were in a serious business, I always tried to have fun on my jobs as to not make them so dreadful for my staff because with most audit clients, our relationship were mostly adversarial and stressful. One client, a vicious Controller who ran the financial operations of a reorganized technology company was feared by every auditor at my firm. Some auditors even requested to be taken off that particular engagement because of her nasty reputation. If you sent her an email requesting any items during the audit, you better be prepared to answer why and if you asked for something she had already given you, you better develop some thick skin real fast because you would surely meet an expletives laced wrath. Although everyone feared her, I took my working relationship with her as a challenge. I scrutinized what bothered her and how she liked to be addressed so I always asked her for audit items in the same brief terse manner she would address us with. One time I had to ask her twice for an item and she got a little frosty but I followed up my request up with the same demeanor, minus the choice curse words she usually used, to get what I needed from her. From that point on, we developed such a fruitful communication between us that I became the official requester of all items we needed from her, as “she adores Landyn” became common terms to define my ability to work with her by others at my firm. I didn’t mind because without people skills I wouldn’t have stood a chance in this business.

During this time Anya was focused on her friend, her kids, her work and somewhere in the mix, she fit me in. It was a lot to juggle, but of course, when you love someone, it’s an easy integration. The truth was I wouldn’t have loved Anya as much as I did if she put a man who she had only known a few months above her own children. Her kids were clearly number one in her life and that made our love feel right. If she had been the type of mother to dump them to the waste side, I truly would not have loved her because I would probably be dumped to the waste side one day as well.

We started to communicate via phone calls more than before. She would even call me out of the blue now especially when she had dilemmas.

“Hi handsome! What are you up to?” she said as she called me one weekend morning.

“Are you sure you got the right number?”

“You know, you’re just going to have to accept you’re a handsome man my love.”

“If you say so.” I said. “Nothing much today. What are you up to Beautiful?”

“I’m okay. Going to see my parents with the kids later. I have a crisis though. My facialist used a different product on me and I broke out on my forehead. She’s going to work on it.”

“Oh I’m sorry to hear that babe. I know how much that bums you out.”

“I can’t believe it! I never have issues with my skin. Getting old or something.”

“I didn’t know your mom was a facialist. I hope she can help you feel better.”

“My mom? No, she’s an engineer, almost retired. I’m going to go see my facialist. I called her at home and now she is meeting me at her shop.”

“Oh! I see. I thought you were going to your mom’s house for that because it’s a Saturday so I thought the beauty shop was closed.” I said embarrassed. “Oh sweetheart, you’re beautiful anyway so that shouldn’t make any difference.”

“You always find a way to make me feel better. I love that about you.”

Less than a half hour later she called me back.

“Oh my God! She zapped the shit out of it! My mom is sooo going to give me a hard time when she sees me later. She worries a lot. ”

The more Anya told me about her mom, the more I fell in love with the woman as she sounded a lot like my own mother in so many ways; another thing we had in common with each other. I didn’t talk about my mother with Anya much at this point. I feared I might come off as a momma’s boy because I really wasn’t, I brought my mom more heartache than submissiveness in my life, but without my mother’s love, forgiveness and understanding I would have tapped out of this life a long time ago.

“Do you feel better now after the laser attack?” I asked.

“I do. I think I’m on the road to recovery now.”

“I’m happy to hear that. I love you. I can’t wait to see you again.”

“I love you sweetie! I can’t wait to see you again too! Next time I see you I’m going to kiss you until you get sick of it!”

“Promise?” I teased.

“Be prepared Babe!”

During my entire week in Burbank, Anya contacted me more than ever as I attributed it to the Valentine’s Day misunderstanding. In an effort for her to trust in my love and for her to feel safe, she was the one who did those very things for me. She considered herself the lucky one, but this was a reason why I felt I was the one who lucked out to be the recipient of Anya’s innate ability to love someone. To feel the same way about someone who loved me so much was truly a blessing, as I loved her with every ounce of my heart. She was simply the best thing in my life, and she gave me romantic thoughts of one day whisking her away to Paris so I could propose to her under the Eiffel Tower daily. The crazy thing about her love was that she was not free to love me yet she showed me more love than any woman in my life before who had been free to do so. My first night in Burbank, she proved my point when she text me after I had just returned to my hotel room after dinner.

You might be reading a stolen copy. Visit Royal Road for the authentic version.

6:46 p.m.

“Hi babe! Have a great stay in Burbank. I can’t even begin to tell you how much I miss you. Love you dearly!”

The beautiful thing about Anya, and another reason why I loved her so much was that even after all the hurt and sorrow she felt from being cheated on, her pride never stopped her from making herself vulnerable by telling me how much she loved and cared about me. As much as I loved her, even I was afraid to initiate a text to claim as much yet she always put her fear aside and I admired that about her. Her love inspired openness from me, and that was my biggest barrier as we both connected off our heartbreaks and found solace through each other. She even made me feel comfortable enough to share my times of self-doubt and shortcomings, something I never dared to reveal to a love interest in fear of losing her.

9:32 a.m.

“I think we are all critical of ourselves. We all question our purpose and capabilities in life, it’s normal. Accept your weaknesses and embrace your strengths! You have so much going for you (health, smarts, bright career, good looks, good personality, loving heart)! Xo”

Anya definitely saw things I didn’t see in myself, and her kind words made it easier to trust her and to stay positive about our relationship. As we became closer by the day, Anya shared with me more details of her friend’s dilemma.

3:20 p.m.

“Hi there! Hope you’re having a good day and hope your stay was comfy. My friend is pulling the trigger. They are serving him in 3 hours. Nervous as heck! Can’t stand it!”

“Oh wow. She’s really going to do it.” I replied. “I think this is the best decision she could make though. Does her husband know?”

3:41 p.m.

“No. He has no idea.”

“Oh well. I guess he’ll find out soon enough. He really has no one else to blame but himself though. I’m really sorry to hear that’s it come down to this for your friend but I think she’ll be happier.”

4:04 p.m.

“Thanks, I’m very nervous for her. Very close to home.”

Her “very close to home” observation scared me a bit because I didn’t know how this affected her at all. The last thing I wanted her to think was that this was comparable to us. We were in love. This wasn’t a fling, and the way it sounded, it seemed Flora’s husband just wanted something on the side, but how did that make it any better? Flora would never know the truth about what he shared with that other woman, only what he was willing to tell her. Even though divorce was a hard decision that affected many, I felt Flora was doing the right thing. It just seemed like a no brainer, but then again I’m sure there were things I didn’t know, and it was truly none of my business. I was just worried how it affected Anya and what implications could arise from this ordeal so I texted her.

ME: “How’s your day going? How’s your skin issue? I miss you.”

ANYA: “Day is going ok considering…my friend isn’t doing so well. Thanks, my forehead is looking much better! I Miss you too! Counting down days till Fri!”

ME: “I brought the CD’s you burned for me on my trip. I was listening to the song “You and I” by Michael Buble in particular. That song totally reminds me of us.”

ANYA: “Does Buble make you sad? Do you think song writers actually experienced the pain and joys of love?”

ME: “How could they not to write something so poignant? You can feel the passion in them. I would even go as far to say that it sounds like they have dated a married person! It makes me wonder...”

ANYA: “Ha! It sure seems that way doesn’t it? I agree. You can feel the pain and passion behind those words. I love music.”

ME: “You’ve gotten me back into music. I strayed away from it for years but now I listen to more songs because you’ve really opened up my musical horizons. I love it too.”

ANYA: “Remember when I said I didn’t understand love songs until now? I recently heard an old song by Bryan Adams (I do it for you) and it made sense. Check it out.”

ME: “It’s not going to make me cry is it?”

ANYA: “It might!”

At times, when Anya was away I would now feel an uneasiness that was only remedied by falling asleep so that I may see her in my dreams. To know her love and to come home to a quiet lonely apartment began to be a tough task. I never felt lonely before I met her, but now it was familiar as my apartment felt vacant without her presence at night. To alleviate the missing I’d journal, I’d go to the gym, I’d play guitar, but when it got unbearable I retreated to the stars outside. I would look up at the sky, see all the light years between them and realize Anya was a lot closer, and it made me not feel so alone. I found it proper that it was through the natural world where I sought solace from the hardships of my unearthly love.

8:24 p.m.

“OMG! He was served two hours ago!!! All the girls got together tonight. I just left them. Not good. I wish I could talk to you. Are you out to dinner? Please call me.”

I called her but she was only able to talk on the phone for about five minutes. She called to tell me she felt like a hypocrite because of her friend’s situation. It was what I feared she felt, but I let her know that the situations were entirely different, and that she was far from.

9:15 p.m.

“Thanks for calling me. I feel better now. My friend’s problems do not affect how I feel about us. I hope that you really, truly believe that I am in love with you. You are my true love, I really believe that. I want to be with you. I love you with all my heart!”

Once again, an interstellar connection enabled only by the constellations helped ease my fears I hid from her and even myself as these were the very words that I needed to hear from her.

On February twentieth, two thousand and eight, I read there was going to be a lunar eclipse, a celestial event I never mentioned to Anya. She had not the slightest clue whenever I missed her dearly I would sit outside alone under the stars and gaze into the sky to feel close to her. Although I was in Burbank and with a small group of people, I decided not to go to dinner with the group so I could catch the eclipse to think of her. At the very moment the earth casted its shadow upon its lone natural satellite, my phone began to vibrate.

7:23 p.m.

“Eclipse.”

My interstellar connection, my universe born love. It was at this moment I no longer believed but knew Anya was not only the love of my life, but also my soulmate, and all it took was one word “eclipse” that carried the same weight as 3 of them, “I love you.”

I had an extremely busy morning following the evening of the lunar eclipse and I believe she also did, so I texted her in the afternoon to see how she was doing with a day left to go on my business trip in Burbank.

1:30 p.m.

“I was just thinking about you and had the phone in my hand when it vibrated as if you were answering me. Great day, and you?”

ME: “Busy morning for me but a great day as well. How’s Flora? Eclipse.”

ANYA: “She’s doing better thanks! The eclipse was romantic which made me think of you!”

ME: “I’ve been relying on nature’s beauty when I miss you. Your text meant a lot to me.”

ANYA: “When I have moments with nature’s beauty I think of you. I think about how nice it would be to experience moments with you.”

ME: “Just know you’re with me every time. You’re in my arms and you don’t even know it. By the way I listened to the Bryan Adam’s song you told me to check out. Guess what? I didn’t cry! Barely though. One really wouldn’t know how beautiful that song is unless they’re in love.”

ANYA: “I must have heard that song a hundred times years ago but never meant anything till now.”

Even though I had been away in Burbank for almost a week, Anya and I became closer with each passing day, either through music, through nature, or through each other. I thought her appreciation for the song was a powerful statement considering it came out about the time when she must have felt the most love for her husband, before his gross disrespect of their marriage, and even as much as I loved all I felt, how much her words meant to me, I felt sad for her that the song meant more now than it did back then.

In what was probably my most anxious return home from a business trip, when I got home I tidied up my place that Thursday night after I unpacked even though I was completely exhausted. When the Friday sun rose to meet the morning, Anya was just as thrilled as I was.

6:45 a.m.

“Good morning! See you at 1 p.m! Excited!”

But that text was a distant second to my excitement after I received my personal favorite.

12:59 p.m.

“I’m here.”

I remembered how painfully arduous the last trek I made to the gate to meet her was, a walk I always loved to make, but this time I literally ran to meet her because it could mean an extra few minutes together if I did. I knew being in love could change my dreary outlook on life, but I never thought it would allow me to appreciate minutes in a day, even get me to run in order to make the most of them. As usual, when I saw her the dormant butterflies scurried inside me, especially when she came gently into my arms once she reached inside the gate. I held her for a few seconds not wanting to let go, but pulled away to look into her eyes, and to take in her beauty before I kissed her. She wore a pair of tight dark blue jeans with a ruffled white top that hung onto her bare shoulders. As she grabbed my hand and we walked back to my apartment, I could tell this visit had a feel all its own, and felt much different than her prior ones as the awkwardness and my back issues were now behind us, and we had become closer over the last week. When we got inside and after she laid her purse on my kitchen countertop, she came into my arms, and we held each other for at least five whole minutes as I truly experienced “I miss you” without having to say a word.

When I was four years old I had my right hand’s index fingertip severed off when a metal folding chair closed on it. My mother told me years later that when it happened I never cried during the ordeal even when they gave me a shot directly into my missing fingertip before they reattached it. I rarely cried especially in front of anyone, but for some reason, as I held Anya in my arms, I suddenly became overwhelmed by the moment, and something inside took over; something completely out of my control. It wasn’t just the pain of Valentine’s Day evening, the eclipse, and all the love I felt in my heart, but rather the sum of all those emotions that consumed then relentlessly overtook me, but I found myself suddenly tearing up and there was no stopping it. When Anya noticed she pulled away slowly to find out what was wrong.

“I’m sorry.” I said.

“Why are you crying babe?” she asked.

“I just…I’m just really happy to see you.” I said. “It means a lot to me to have you here. I love you very much.”

“I love you very much too.” she said with a look of concern.

“I’m sorry. I don’t cry. I can’t remember the last time. I’m okay.”

“I know how hard it is on my end.” she said. “I can’t imagine how hard it is for you.”

“I’m fine. These are just tears of joy Sweetheart. Tears of joy.” I said as I composed myself; the last thing I wanted her to do was worry about me feeling sad or missing her horribly when I was unable to see her.

“I don’t want to hurt you.”

“I know.” I said. “I’m okay.”

“I don’t know babe.” she said. “I don’t know if I could leave at this point.”

“I wouldn’t want you to.” I stated. “Now’s not the time.”

“No babe.” she said. “I meant I don’t know if I could ever leave at this point.”

Her words no doubt stung as they caught me off guard, but again I waged a war on negativity inside my head, and I’ve been dead wrong about everything I believed could be true. Valentine’s wasn’t a romantic dinner with her husband; it was as unromantic as they came with a group of ten people. More than anything I wanted her to have romantic Valentine’s Day dinners again. I wanted her to feel absolutely loved and feel safe and secure in her feelings. I didn’t want her to live like a roommate with her significant other. I wanted her to sleep in the same bed and to fall asleep in my arms every night. There was a lot at stake for her; a lot at stake for both of us, but mostly for her. I worried about her unhappiness and the stress it caused her. I worried about her well-being for the rest of her life. Most importantly, I wanted her to be truly happy so it could be reflected on her children so they would never think mom was unloving. There was a lot I wanted for her, but I had to fight myself within myself. I had to fight the “stinkin’ thinkin’” as my grandmother use to say. My mindset needed to be positive and here was my golden opportunity. All I needed to know was what she was truly thinking and again, another chance to get closer to her would arise.

“Why do you think that Sweetheart?” I asked.

“Katie and Andrew would have to leave their friends and I’m afraid they would hate me. I would lose seventy-five percent of my friends.” she said. “but at the same time I can’t handle you being out of my life.”

“Would you slow down Beautiful?” I smiled. “Let’s take this a day at a time and see where it leads, ok? Time is on our side.”

“I don’t know babe.”

“Listen, it’s too soon for this kind of conversation.” I told her. “I want you to really get to know me so when you do leave you know you’re making the best decision. The truth is you couldn’t leave for me, you would have to leave for yourself, but you will need me to know you’re going to be alright and you would never be alone. There’s a lot you don’t know about the prospects of my future. Prospects I’ve been hesitant to share.”

“What do you mean?” she asked.

“I have some good things going for me. Really good things but....” I said. “I wanted you to love me for me before I told you about them.”

“I do though.”

“I know you do.” I said. “I’m really close to making partner at my firm. I’m actually pretty good at what I do. I think with me you’d be in a great position. Partners make a million dollars a year there, and all they pretty much do all day is play golf with potential clients. I’m just telling you this not to brag about myself in anyway, I only mentioned it because I’m sure I’d be able to afford a home in your area so that Katie and Andrew wouldn’t have to leave their friends. I believe things could work out better than you think.”

“You would really buy a house in my area?”

“If it meant Katie and Andrew wouldn’t have to leave their friends, of course I would.” I said. “I wouldn’t want your kids to hate you.”

“You melt me babe.”

“I don’t want to lose you to unfounded fears.”

“I don’t want to lose you either.” she said. “I’m angry at my husband. My kids can see I’m unloving. That makes me more upset than anything.”

“You have every right to be angry about that.” I said. “You shouldn’t feel guilty.”

“My kids already see me as this unloving person that I’m afraid they’ll blame me if I leave.” she said. “Then they will hate you too.”

“Sweetheart, if you were to leave right now, they would have a hard time understanding that and rightfully so, we’re just not there yet babe. I know the missing is hard on both of us. You saw it today, but I want you to come into the best possible situation and I believe right now isn’t the time. Just know I’m working hard every day to try to get you to be comfortable choosing happiness over being non-genuine.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.” I said as she came into my arms again.

There was a strength I felt in having her with me; a strength in us. She wasn’t going to lose me to her fears. My only fear at this point was losing her, but I felt I had the inside track, her love. If she truly loved me, and I believed she did, I would certainly suffer, undoubtedly feel sorrow, surely feel pain, and know true sacrifice, but in the end I would hold her in my arms forever. All that belonged to her husband, all he took for granted, all he never appreciated, would be mine because she would know I was the right man to obtain all the love she could give, and it would never go unappreciated for one second of a day, and I would be eternally grateful.

I softly grabbed her hand and she smiled at me when she realized the meaning of my unspoken gesture. When she came inside my room, the blinds were already drawn as two candles slowly burned. She then removed her top and jeans which left her only in her underwear and I did the same as she climbed onto my bed and into my awaiting arms. I felt her cool smooth skin as she meshed her body into mine and began to massage my arms.

“I love your arms.”

“They love you too.”

She smiled then put her bare breasts against my chest, and with her now warm smooth skin against mine she began to move them back and forth upon me. We began to kiss as the earthly measure of time was lost, her body now a part of mine. Forty minutes moved like five before we paused from absorbing each other’s breaths.

“My second favorite color is black now.” she blurted.

“Really? Black? Why is that?”

“You were wearing a black shirt when I first met you.” she said. “You look really handsome in black.”

I didn’t know what to say as again her way of loving me had caught me off guard.

“Coming from you that means a lot Sweetheart.” I said.

“What’s your favorite color babe?”

“I’d have to go with blue.” I said. “Yep…it’s blue.”

“Blue is one of my faves too.”

“Do you have any passions in life?” I asked.

“Other than you I love the rain, the beach, dessert, books and music. I do dabble a little in politics, business, baseball and hockey.” she continued. “I drink a double espresso every morning.”

“Is that all?” I asked.

“No.” she said as gazed at me with her beautiful dark hair now sprawled against my pillow as her white teeth glistened at me while I hovered above her. “I love children, animals, friends and family. My truest passion though, and I would be fooling myself if I didn’t say so, is fashion and shopping!”

“Well, Ms. America. I must say you’re really good at your truest passion because I love your sense of fashion. It’s very chic…very Audrey Hepburn.”

“Oh my God. I love her!”

“She’s a classic beauty, but you’re also part Raquel Welch too. She’s my favorite of all-time.”

“Ha! Sooo…I’m a little bit of Audrey and Raquel in your eyes?”

“You’re cute. You're Sexy. You're Beautiful. All three in one, that’s hard to pull off.”

“Now you’re making me blush.” she said. “I’m just a simple girl really. A simple girl in a complicated situation.”

“Well, I guess that makes me just a simple man in a simple situation.”

“Ha!” she laughed as she lifted her head up to kiss me. “What are your passions babe?”

“Besides you…I don’t even know.” I revealed. “I do drink black coffee every morning.”

“Ah…simple but classic.”

“Indeedy.” I replied. “and I love everything else you said you loved with the exception of politics. I guess it's just something I don't have any desire to dabble in.”

“Really? How come? Don’t you think it’s important to know who is making all the decisions that affect us?

“Oh I do. I’m not saying I’m ignorant to them. I just don’t care much for them.” I clarified. “I think it’s just a bunch of power hungry men and women who are more concerned about their own self-interests than anyone else’s. That’s just how I feel about them though.”

“Would you say you’re a republican or a democrat?”

“I would say because of my current income status, I’m more of a conservative, or republican, but in actuality I’m about the best person for the job.”

“I see.”

My dislike for politics started way back when I dated Sara, when I found out just after we started seeing each other she had a “crush” on a guy who was president of the student council at our junior college. She told me her teacher, who looked like Jeff Spicoli from “Fast Times at Ridgemont High” thought he had a good chance at being the president of the United States one day. As I was walking to class one afternoon, I saw her sitting next to this future head of state, nearly on his lap, on a bench outside her class and my heart sank into my stomach as I marched into my classroom. That day after school I asked Sara about him.

“Sara. I need you to be honest with me about something.”

“Okay.”

“Do you have a crush on Paul Sudinsky?”

“I do have a crush on him.” she admitted.

“What? You like him?” I said. “You’re my girlfriend Sara!”

“I don’t like him.” she told me. “I only have a crush on him.”

“Wait a minute.”

“What?”

“There’s a difference?”

“Of course there is.” she stated. “I only have a crush on him.”

“Let me get this straight. So if you have a crush on him…it means you don’t like him?”

“Landyn. Stop it. I only have a crush on him. It doesn’t mean I like him.” she said. “Please stop being ridiculous.”

I knew Sara liked men in politics and was drawn to men in power, but I was too young to understand the improbable chances of a junior college student council president making the leap to the presidency of the United States. The problem was I really cared for Sara back then and I feared I would lose her to him so everything was falsely magnified. In the end Sudinsky ended up joining the armed forces and I ended up disliking politics. The more the earth traveled around the sun, the more I learned how politics worked, the more I disliked them. I’m sure though, if anyone could get me to appreciate and to take a genuine interest in them, Anya could.

“Carolyn and Debbie think I’m heading for a divorce.” Anya said suddenly.

“Is it because of Flora’s situation?”

“No. They both know how I feel about you. They know I’m in love with you.” she said. “Sometimes I wish you were psycho.”

“Psycho?” I laughed. “Well, I am crazy about you.”

“I know.” she said. “But you’re rational about it.”

“The best I can be.” I said. “I’ll admit my thoughts aren’t rational sometimes, but my actions have to be.”

I wondered what spurred that wish and what it meant. Did she want me to show up at her home and stand outside like Roy Dobler with my boom box blasting “Everything I do (I Do It For You)”? I really didn’t understand why she would say such a thing, so I just left it alone for the moment.

We then started to kiss again and things started to heat up. I had held women in my arms before but this had a different feel; like she was a part of me, like an appendage. It was at this point that I undoubtedly knew this was a once in a lifetime love, one I would fight within reason to keep. I say within reason only because my concern for her kids was one reason I would consider to walk away if I had to, but if it was a bridge I needed to cross, I would if I ever got there, but then again I had plenty of reasons to fight for her because I knew more than anyone else did.

After she told me it was time for her to go, I told her “okay” then nearly let her roll completely off my arm before I brought her back to kiss her once more as I loved to hear her laugh every time I did. Once my arm was content with letting her go, we rose from our peace to put on our clothes, the most solemn of all exercises. We then embraced for another minute before we left for our bittersweet walk to the gate. After she departed, I stayed at the gate to keep her in my sight as long as I possibly could, and she blew me a kiss as she drove by on her way out of the parking lot. On my way back to my quiet apartment I thought about her “I wish you were psycho” statement and criticized myself for possibly falling short in her eyes and for being rational in my actions so far. I further questioned why I had been so understanding, but then realized it was because I loved her.

An hour later I text her to see if she made it home okay.

3:46 p.m.

“I love today.”

It was hard to believe just an hour before this text she was in my arms, and the minute she left was the very minute I missed her. I loved “today” just as much and she was the only reason why.

8:21 p.m.

“Don’t text me back. I haven’t stopped thinking about today, touch of your skin.”

To receive a text from her after eight p.m. was extremely rare and to me was a breakthrough. It was also nice to know my skin felt as good to her as her skin did to me. We held each other and kissed for forty minutes without pause and it was hard not to miss that because the crazy thing about it was I could’ve gone much longer.

I rarely heard “I miss you” from Anya anymore because her texts usually told me she did without having to say it.

9:33 a.m.

“Couldn’t sleep last night. Yesterday was amazing. I’m so in love. I miss you like crazy! I was afraid this was going to happen. Wish I was in bed in your arms.”

ME: “I miss having you in them. Yesterday was beautiful.”

ANYA: “So surreal. What are you doing today? I’m just going to daydream about you all day.”

ME: “It’s raining outside so I guess I’ll just stay home and daydream about you too.”

Later that Saturday afternoon, she text me again.

2:32 p.m.

“Yesterday I kissed you goodbye about this time. Haven’t stopped thinking of your body against mine.”

ME: “I haven’t stopped thinking about it too. It felt as if your body melted into mine, as if we were one person.”

ANYA: “I think we think alike and love alike.”

ME: “I think we both recognize what we have is a very rare thing, and yesterday was as special as days come in this life.”

ANYA: “I agree. What we experienced yesterday was very special. We didn’t have to say anything to understand. It was beautiful in every way. I loved every single moment. I can still feel your kiss. We kissed a lot! You are sooo yummy to kiss!”

There were times when I thought maybe I was doing a bad thing; at least in consideration of her kids, and I felt maybe I should let her go. I didn’t want them to hate her, but at the same time I believed someone else would come along because of the romantic singer who she saw briefly before me. It was clear to me there was collateral damage in the home long before I arrived. If her kids could sense she’s not in love with their father, then why stay? Wouldn’t they blame her either way? The truth was it sounded like they were blaming her already by believing she was unloving. More than ever, I wished her husband would just sit down with her and ask her if she wanted a separation, an amicable one. I know it’s easier said than done, but I felt it was the right thing to do at this point. The bottom line was he was the source of her anger and he knew it so why did he keep playing dollhouse? After yesterday, as if I needed any more evidence, I believed we were made to be together. If not, then why did we run into each other twice? Why did her friend’s husband suddenly cheat on her again which led her to divorce him after twenty-seven vested years together which was greater than the eighteen years Anya and her husband had been together? The timing of that alone showed Anya how important self-respect was. We hadn’t been together three months yet I just knew she was the one I wanted to spend every day on this earth with and beyond. I knew I wanted to see her when I came home from work. I knew I wanted to experience life with her. I knew I wanted to grow old with her. I knew she was the only one for me. She would only provide more evidence of her love for me throughout that upcoming week, more than ever.

Monday, February 25, 2008

9:01 a.m.

“Good morning Baby! You know I’m still thinking about our amazing day!”

9:27 a.m.

“Thank you! Enjoy this day. I have a crazy week! I love you and miss you!”

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

8:09 a.m.

“Good morning my love! How was your night? I kept waking up at night with lustful thoughts about us. Work is crazy. Three months of strategic planning gone sideways!”

12:12 p.m.

“Beautiful day…miss u.”

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

6:55 p.m.

“Don’t know when I can see you again. Dance comp all weekend as well as opening day and games.”

7:03 p.m.

“Yesterday was a pretty day but I think today was even prettier because I’m more in love with you today.”

Thursday, February 28, 2008

5:26 p.m.

“Wish we could watch the sun go down together. Xo”

For the first time, I truly felt Anya’s struggle; the fight with herself within herself as I began to see how the daily stress in her life consumed her and I found it remarkable how she had handled it for so long with all the pain she felt in her heart. I remember after long stressful lonely days in my life after I had visited my parents, some nights I would drive along the cliffs of Palos Verdes to watch the sunset go down over the vast Pacific Ocean with a vacant black leather passenger seat as my only company. One thing I had always wanted in life was to fill the empty passenger seat on that drive, but I had given up on that dream years ago until now.

ME: “If you ever want to see something beautiful, the sunsets off the coast of Palos Verdes are spectacular. I would love to see one with you there.”

ANYA: “So romantic. It would be my dream to watch the sunset off the cliffs of PV with you. Do you think we can make that happen someday?”

ME: “Without a doubt.”

ANYA: “I hope so. I would love it. Sometimes I have these random thoughts of just leaving home. I just miss you so much.”

As much as I knew she loved me, I never believed she held these kinds of thoughts. She seemed so vested at home I had no idea her love was this serious. Sure, she told me how much she loved me but this showed me how much she did. After I received this text, I began to regret telling how well I was doing in my career. I really had no idea when I would become partner at my firm as the timetable was unclear. The partnership position opened up at the end of this year but it could easily be another two or three years from now. Kevin Kash was also my good friend who had taught me all I knew about the profession, and it only seemed fair and reasonable for me to believe he would make partner before I did, even though it was clear Clyde was seriously considering me. If Anya were to act out on her random thoughts, not only would I find it to be the wrong thing to do, but it would put me in a position to need to make partner at the end of the year. Knowing how much Kevin’s marriage and family rode on his promotion, I would be in a bad spot. Anya needed to know there was no rush, I was going to remain faithful to her (which was easy to do), and I wanted her to come into the best situation possible for her and her kids. The truth was it was much easier being loyal to Anya than it was to get her to believe that I was loyal because of her husband’s past infidelities. As much as her text warmed my heart and as badly as I wanted her to be with me today so I would not have to endure another lonely night without her, it would be absolutely selfish of me to take advantage of her vulnerability and to have her come into a less than ideal situation for both her and her kids. I had to work hard so when the day came, her kids would understand her decision and not hate her for it, and everything our love stood for would do that for her even though I badly wanted her in my arms forever now.

ME: “I dream about you leaving to be with me every day…”

ANYA: “I need to see you. I can’t take the missing. Can I see you tomorrow afternoon babe?”

ME: “Of course.”

ANYA: “There’s a coffee shop on Springdale. Just off of Warner.”

ME: “The Good Morning Cafe.”

ANYA: “Yes. Would you be okay meeting me there at noon?”

ME: “I will see you there at noon tomorrow.”

ANYA: “I love you.”

ME: “I love you too.”

After our textversation, it seemed the future was wide open just like the heavens above for both our lives as we both walked along a road rarely if ever travelled, hand in hand towards the next uncertain event in our lives.