“Disobedience, in the eyes of anyone who has read history, is man’s original virtue. It is through disobedience that progress has been made, through disobedience and through rebellion.”

~ Oscar Wilde

9:21 p.m.

“Please don’t be mad at me. My neighbors are still over and I can’t really text.”

I surmised she had to be drunk as I just didn’t see her logic in texting me about my fantasies if she couldn’t text me back. I hated to do it but I didn’t respond back. I was disappointed and I felt I had every right to be. If this bothered me then I needed to be genuine about it. Due to all we’ve shared I didn’t understand the façade but I also didn’t want to respond on raw emotions. We could talk about it in the morning if she truly felt bad about it. The bottom line was this though, a foreign feeling in my life I had just grown to know; I missed her. It was simple as that. I truly missed her beyond telling her “I miss u.” as words did the feeling no justice. When I recognized the longing as the true reason for my disenchantment, more than anything she did with her neighbors and kids on Memorial Day, I was able to fall asleep.

5:26 a.m.

“Good morning. I think ur mad at me. It broke my heart b/c u shared some intimate things with me and I couldn’t text you back. I’m sorry.”

5:27 a.m.

“I hope you have a good day. I love you.”

Anya’s love turned me into a fragile chameleon-man. She could have me go from blue to green; from sadness to happiness, and vice versa with a single text message, in seconds. Her apology was something new in my life because I never had a woman admit to me she was wrong before let alone apologize for it. The time of her texts alone showed sincerity as she didn’t pretend what she did wasn’t hurtful. She knew I was hurt, she took responsibility for it and I appreciated her thoughtfulness. Once I read them I immediately messaged her back to tell her I was fine. I also had to consider she was in the dark most of the time about the way I felt because I held back to avoid eliciting any negative emotions from her around the kids and her husband. It was unnecessary and unfair to her if I did. She never dodged an issue so I always felt secure we’d be able to resolve them sooner than later.

8:13 a.m.

“I’m glad ur not mad. I really did feel bad and I’m sorry. I was “on” all day and didn’t have a moment to stop. I threw a party with a shitload of kids. I don’t want to disappoint u. I love you and want to know your fantasies and desires. We’re best friends and should be able to share. Talk to u later.”

Her super early texts warmed my heart and I began to feel bad about the way I felt. I started to picture her at the party wanting so badly to say hello to me, but as the host couldn’t find a way to, overburdened by a “shitload” of kids and their parents. She simply couldn’t turn her back on them while she hosted an impromptu party, and I had to put myself in her shoes. I just missed her to death and wanted so badly to spend the day with her in some little way. She was all I had in my life, and that put her in a tough spot because she had people there for her while I was befriended by these plain silent walls. I truly believed though things would change one day so I tried not to let things bother me as much.

Later that afternoon she sent me an unexpected sweet text. Words meant to give me life, and an incentive to keep my pain tucked away from her knowledge.

12:20 p.m.

“I miss u.”

ME: “I miss u too. How‘s your day going? We’re you able to train for your mud run at all?”

ANYA: “Ok and urs? I didn’t work out today. Don’t feel good.”

ME: “What’s wrong, babe? Why don’t you feel good? Are you coming down with something?”

ANYA: “No, I don’t feel good from not working out this morning. Decided to clean the house at 5 a.m. instead of working out. Kids leave traces everywhere! Carolyn ran 10 miles this morning and it’s pissing me off.”

ME: “Oh! Sorry to hear that. I wish I could help you clean. Are you pissed at Carolyn because she got a work out in and you weren’t able to?”

ANYA: “I was just kidding about being pissed off. We always tease her because she puts in “secret training hours” and acts aloof.”

ME: “You should hire a private investigator to see what she’s up to! I’m just kidding. Well, I better get back to work here. Thanks for the text. I love you forever!”

ANYA: “I love you forever!!!”

I could tell Anya felt bad about Memorial Day as I felt guilty about my thoughts yesterday, but at the same time I couldn’t deny I was human. After her heartfelt texts, I had to lift her spirits and ease any worries she had about me. I couldn't add to the stress already heaped upon her daily.

ME: “Hi Beautiful! How was your day? I miss u.”

ANYA: “Ok day. I just got out of a meeting for upcoming dance competitions for Katie. I’m at the grocery store now before I have to pick her up at 9:30. How r u babe? I miss u terribly.”

ME: “Just worried about you over there. Are you going to work out tomorrow? Why was it just an “ok” day for you? Do you want to talk about it? Your best friend is here for you if you need him.”

ANYA: “Running 8 miles in the morning and taking a kickboxing class! I just felt really bad about last night. You shared and I couldn’t text you back. It made me sad. It made me sad to disappoint you.”

ME: “Beautiful, please don’t feel bad. It’s okay babe. No harm done. I’m sorry I made you feel that way. You were really busy and I totally understand. I should share them with you in person anyway, not through a text.”

ANYA: “I know but in a perfect world I’d be able to text u back.”

ME: “Believe me babe, the world IS perfect because YOU’RE in it. It’s no big deal. I’m sorry I let it bother me at all. I miss u, that’s all.”

ANYA: “Don’t b. I can’t even imagine what you have to deal with on your end.”

ME: “Sweetheart, we’re in this together. I know it’s tough on you too, and it’s harder than ever before after all we’ve shared, but nothing worth having in life is going to be easy. We have to remember we’re going to have hiccups along the way. I think this builds us more than breaks us.”

ANYA: “Ur right! I know babe…I don’t know what to say. I wish I could hold u right now and tell u I’ll b “home” tomorrow. It’s getting harder than ever. Idk…”

ME: “I’m okay babe. We’ll be okay. Great things take a little time. I’ll do a better job being patient. Please don’t ever doubt my love for you. It’s as solid as the earth below your feet. I love you very much.”

ANYA: “I don’t doubt your love for me! I feel it with every part of my body! I love you forever!”

ME: “I love you forever!”

After that heartfelt textchange, the very reason on display why I loved her so much, we were able to put the “Memorial Day Missing” behind us, as I believed better days lied ahead. Anya had another busy week ahead of her. Her kids had their final exams for the year so she had to be on homework duty every evening. She also had to take Katie to and from the dance studio as she trained for upcoming dance competitions, one in June and another in New York City the following month. Her company also needed her attention as it underwent more changes, and this weekend she had a planned trip to Palm Springs with a group of girlfriends that also included Carolyn and Debbie. She kindly included me in her schedule too as she made plans to see me on her return home from Palm Springs on Sunday afternoon.

When Friday May thirtieth arrived, the day she left for Palm Springs, she made sure she didn’t forget the importance of the day.

6:37 a.m.

“Good morning! Happy 6 months! Xoxo!”

By far the best six months of my life, and even though they were emotionally fueled, the highs overcame the lows as I believed our future together held great promise.

Later that morning however, I received a bizarre text message from her, and it put my heart and sanity back on red alert.

9:32 a.m.

“Hi! Are you there?”

The last time I received a text from her like this; it was to inform me her husband was suspicious. With a “Babe” or an “I miss u” absent from this unexpected text I began to fear the worst.

ME: “Hi! I’m here. What r u up to?”

ANYA: “Up to no good! JK! Was out to breakfast w/an old friend. What r u up to?”

ME: “Oh nothing much. Just about to step into work. What time are you leaving for Palm Springs? I miss u!”

ANYA: “Around 11 this morning. I miss u too! If I can do it next Sunday can u meet around 4 p.m.at the Pacific Grill for a spill and a sunset for the one year anniversary of our first date?”

I had to read her text a few times to revel in the joy it brought me as I even fought back tears because I was so overwhelmed by the beauty of it. After all the missing, it meant a lot as the dread of the long work day ahead of me got a whole lot easier to stomach.

ME: “I can definitely meet you! Thank you so much. I love u!”

ANYA: “K, I’ll try my best. I just heard Bryan Adams “I’d do it for u” on the radio. I miss u sooooooo much!!! I love you forever!!”

As I put my phone away I smiled widely as I thanked a popular eighties musician for writing a song I never gave much thought to until now. Her thoughtfulness put all my positive thoughts back in orbit where they belonged as an energetic elation warmed inside of me. It meant so much simply because one, I couldn’t plan anything like this for us because of her situation, and two, it gave me a chance to make things right after I walked out on her that night. For her to find a way to see me at four p.m. on a Sunday, I knew she had convinced Carolyn and Debbie how much our relationship meant to her. They were integral to our survival as they helped give her an excuse so we could meet, and I was just happy they acknowledged what we had was special enough to do so. If they couldn’t stand up for love, then we had very little hope, but with their support, it filled my heart with hope and eased the missing I felt.

A little later that same evening I received a gift from Palm Springs as my phone’s red light began to blink.

8:01 p.m.

“Hi! At dinner having appetizers. The girls are trying to decide on where to go after dinner. I could easily go home but I don’t think that’s gonna happen.”

ME: “You want to go back home to Long Beach already? Haha!”

ANYA: “Not home in LB! I meant back to Carolyn’s vacation home here in Palm Springs. I would love to come home to u!”

ME: “I would love to have you here! You should enjoy the night life, Sweetheart. I’m sure there are some clubs around there.”

ANYA: “Those days r over baby. Long long time ago! How I would love 4 u to come and get me! I love u!”

ME: “I love u too! I would have no problem coming out there to get you.”

ANYA: “Ahhh… that’s so sweet. How I wish. I love u babe.”

I began to get the impression this trip was possibly made so we could spend some time together. “Was I blowing a golden opportunity?” I wondered. Without a second’s hesitation I would’ve been out to Palm Springs to pick her up in a heartbeat, but it was also possible Carolyn and Debbie would give her a hard time if she ditched them again like she did in Laguna Beach. I didn’t want to create any strife between them, and if they went out there to have fun among girlfriends and I showed up, I think they would’ve held it against her, and us. I missed her enough to rescue her no matter how tired I was as euphoria breathed new life into me whenever I had a chance to see her, but I decided it was best to just leave it alone unless she asked me to. Later that evening when I thought I had heard the last from her, my cell phone’s light began to blink again as my heart raced with excitement and possibilities.

11:08 p.m.

“Are you still awake?”

ME: “I’m awake, babe. Where did you girls end up going?”

ANYA: “We’re at a dance club now and all the girls r inside on the dance floor. I just want to go home. Outside getting fresh air. Love u!”

ME: “I wish I could be there with you. I love u too! I’m sorry you’re not having a good time. Are you going back inside?”

ANYA: “I don’t want to go in! I’m tempted 2 take the taxi back! I can’t even sit in the lobby w/o people asking me why I’m alone! I guess I’ll go in soon to meet up w/the girls. Just don’t want to deal w/…”

ME: “I’m sorry I’m not there to save you from all the nonsense. Take the taxi back if you want to, but you can stay on the phone with me. I’m not going to bed anytime soon.”

ANYA: “Ok, I guess I’m going in now. Wish me luck!”

ME: “K. Good luck. I love u!”

Ten minutes later…

ANYA: “I just walked back out! Meat market! I can’t stand it! I’ll just wait 4 them in the lobby. I’m bored to tears. I’ll let you go. Goodnight! Love u too!”

ME: “You can stay with me on the phone, Sweetheart. I’m not going to bed yet. Don’t go inside if you don’t feel up to it, but I think you should try to have some fun with your friends. How many girls did you go with?”

ANYA: “There’s 6 of us. 4 flaked.”

ME: “I’ll tell you what, when I see you tomorrow, I’ll make up for your lost night. I have something special planned for you, for us.”

ANYA: “What babe?”

ME: “I can’t tell you! It’s a surprise!”

ANYA: “Please tell me now babe! Please!”

ME: “Sorry Beautiful, but you will have to wait! Now please do me a favor and go back in there and have fun with your friends! I love you forever!”

ANYA: “K! I love you forever! Goodnight! Until tomorrow! I can’t wait!!!”

She text me again at one in the morning when she came back from the dance club, but I was already several sheets to the wind. I then began to feel bad about the negativity the situation brought forth within me as my resignation to sorrow didn’t allow me to see her trip to Springs as a chance to meet until she messaged me, but now I felt the trip was made for just that. Thankful for the opportunity to see her the next day however, I vowed to make it up to her.

On the following morning, Anya sent an early text to let me know she would be at my place at nine-thirty, but unfortunately, it was nine-thirty when she messaged again to let me know she was in some really bad traffic. It wasn’t until a little after noon when she arrived at my apartment, and I could tell the minute I met her at the gate she was a bit flustered about the commute, but it was a good excuse to bring her into my arms to tell her I’m just happy she’s safe and with me. The very second she stepped inside my apartment, in a shiny purple blouse and white pants, she came into my arms as our lips satisfied the thirst for each other. I gently brought my lips upon the nape of her neck and took in a perfect scent of lotion and perfume, and I could have stayed there for hours breathing her in. Anya always brought the best of herself whenever she visited; she always looked good, she always felt good, and she always smelled good. The crazy thing was even if she didn’t bring her best self when she saw me; I wouldn’t have cared because I loved being around her so much.

“Well, are you ready for your surprise?” I asked as I reluctantly came up for air.

“Yes!” she exclaimed excitedly as she quickly grabbed my hand and turned around to head for my bedroom, but I didn’t budge.

When she turned to face me in confusion, I smiled as I moved behind her to point her in the opposite direction. I then wrapped my arms around her and slowly began to guide her into the direction of my living room.

“In here, Beautiful.” I said, kissing her neck.

“What are we doing?” she asked bewildered.

“I just want you to know what I’m about to do, what we’re about to do…hopefully I won’t be alone afterwards, is something I’ve never done before. It’s important for you to know this.” I said as I now broke away to walk over to my desktop computer. “I don’t know how this is going to go so please bear with me. I’ll do my best. First timer here.”

“What is it, babe?” she asked softly with love in her eyes.

I tried to make my apartment comfortably cozy and used the blinds to dim the sunlight from outside as three large candles burned on my coffee table. I then used my mouse to select an option on my tool bar and turned off the monitor. Silence surrounded us as I moved towards her, gently took her left hand in my right and brought her body against mine. I then slowly swayed and gazed adoringly into her curious brown eyes.

“I hope this is to your liking. I thought it defined us the best.” I said as Michael Buble’s version of “I Can’t Help Falling in Love with You” began to repel the silence.

“Oh my god, babe. It’s perfect.” she said as her lips met mine. "I love you.”

I never cared for dancing, in fact if I hated to do anything in life, it was dancing. I always found it ridiculous. Turn off the music and imagine if aliens were observing us from above; after they were finished cracking jokes they would probably blow our planet to bits right then and there. I wasn’t too bad of a dancer but I wasn’t too good of one either and I could never envision myself slow dancing at my apartment in my entire lifetime. The thing was, I never envisioned meeting what I considered to be the most beautiful woman in the world in my eyes, and now here I was enjoying myself doing something I always hated to do. Not only was I in love; but truly deeply in love. After her disappointment from the previous evening, I feared I let her down by not rescuing her, and I regretted not showing up for even ten minutes just to be with her. I should have realized she probably thought I was beat from the long week in Hesperia but with her, always with her, it didn’t matter because every time I saw her felt like the first and the last time I ever would, and the adrenaline rush never allowed me to feel tired when it came to her. As much as I disliked dancing, with her in my arms, I enjoyed it immensely. Anytime. Anywhere. No matter who was around, with her, for her, everything I did was easy because it was so enjoyable.

As we held each other and swayed to the music, I listened to the lyrics and thought about our journey together. Through this simple dance, I could tell by the way she looked into my eyes, the way her body moved into mine, the way she held my hand, the way she said “I love you”, and with every word of the song, I found true love. I believed our destiny looked just like this; a man who never cared to dance with a woman who loved to dance enjoying a dance they would never forget. Everything I did in life was easy with her and I never had to pretend to be someone I was not, because through this simple singular act alone, I learned this was the real me, that around her I was not self-conscious about anything I did and this was who I truly was. Not a great dancer, not a man who loved to dance, but a man who would do anything to make the woman he loved happy.

When the song was over, we danced to it again and then to a few more songs after that, as we kissed the entire time to every song before she had to leave, but never had I seen her leave my place with a larger smile than the one she flashed before she left. We never made it to my bedroom to make love that day, but it was because we already did.

8:16 a.m.

“GOOD MORNING! HOW R U? I LOVED OUR GENTLE DANCE YESTERDAY! I KEEP PLAYING THAT SONG OVER AND OVER IN MY HEAD. IT’S MY NEW FAVORITE SONG NOW!”

ME: “I’m good! I’m happy you enjoyed the song I picked. Believe me, I fretted all night about it! I can dance with you all night long. Thanks again for coming by. How r u?”

ANYA: “Well rested! Finished hill training. Meeting the girls for kickboxing class at 9. I loved yesterday! I played that song this morning! I love it! Loved your tender kisses! I miss u baby!”

ME: “I miss you too. Yesterday will be with me for a long long time.”

ANYA: “Yesterday was so much fun. I love your smell. Your face smelled so sweet! You smell like Landyn!”

I couldn’t get over how beautiful she looked yesterday, and now the beauty of her thought to meet at Pacific Grill, the site of our first date when I left her there, alone, cold, because I didn’t understand all the beauty in front of me gave me a sense of redemption as I dreamt of another chance to right a wrong and to make it beautiful for her; to truly make the sun jealous once again.

The next day was Monday, June second, two thousand and eight, and even though it marked the one year anniversary of the night our eyes first met, it felt I had known her my entire life as it became much harder to fathom I spent most of my life without her eyes in mine. It made me wonder how I made it for thirty-six years without knowing her for a single day up until this day last year. It just proved how your whole life could change with a lightning strike if it took that long at all; a single glance and a two syllable word, “hello”, could introduce you to the meaning of your life. It was a bittersweet day however as I wished I could spend the day with her and an opportunity to make it a special one to show her how thankful I was she said hello to me that night. My only hope was a year from now, at this time, she would be in my arms to celebrate it together.

6:44 a.m.

“Happy 1 year! Good morning! I listened to that song at the gym on my Ipod. I thought about our dance! I’ll never take that song 4 granted now! I’ll think of our 1st dance every time I hear that song! I love you forever!”

To receive a text from her that early on a Monday morning was a significant gesture. Mondays were always extremely busy mornings for her, and for me as well, as our workload usually let up a little later in the day to text. I had a busy week because I had to tie loose ends at the office because of my week out in Hesperia, and Anya had to spend two days in her business offices as well this week.

Anya text messaged me in the late afternoon to tell me she and her friends were trying to get tickets to go see the Psychedelic Furs and Yaz in July, as they were playing at the Orange County Fair.

5:42 p.m.

“Do u remember them? I’m aging myself. It would be a total flashback experience!”

ME: “I’ve heard of the Psychedelic Furs, but I couldn’t tell you a song by them although I guarantee I’ve heard one by them before. I just wouldn’t know they were the ones who sang it! I don’t remember Yaz at all though, to be honest.”

ANYA: “I bet you do remember some of their songs. Way before your time!”

ME: “Way before my time? You’re only three years older than me, babe!”

Later that evening however, after she wished me goodnight, she sent me a distress text.

Stolen content alert: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.

8:03 p.m.

“Hi! I did something stupid tonite! I was pouring hot boiling water in the sink and it poured on me. Got my stomach!”

ME: “Are you okay? I’m so sorry. Were you doing something else at the same time? How badly were you burned?”

ANYA: “I was trying to step over Suki so she wouldn’t have to move for me. It looks like a 2nd degree burn. About five inches along across my belly. I’m ok just some pain. Just took a Vicodin.”

ME: “I’m very sorry to hear that Sweetheart. I wish there was something I could do. I love you.”

ANYA: “Thank you. I love you too! I will get sleepy soon from the Vicodin so I should say goodnight again. I just hope this doesn’t affect my training and mud run. I’d be so bummed.”

ME: “I hope it’s not that bad, babe. Did Suki sense something happened to you? Animals have a sixth sense about things like that.”

ANYA: “Thanks babe. Yeah seriously! She can sense something is wrong. She keeps licking me! Ok babe, Vicodin is starting to kick in. Goodnight. I love u forever.”

ME: “Goodnight. I love u forever too.”

It brought me right back to the night her son broke his arm and to a feeling of helplessness, but I was relieved to hear it didn’t require a trip to the emergency room. If we were together though, she would probably get irritated with me at times like this because I would wait on her hand and foot. I felt this accident would have been entirely averted with me in her life as I began to recognize she needed help in the kitchen especially after dinner during clean up times. Over the last six months, I took notice she cooked dinner during the week and her husband let her deal with the mess in the kitchen while the kids probably ran amok. I didn’t think I’d make the perfect husband, I’m sure I’d fall short on some things as well, but I believed I was conscientious enough to at least recognize this wasn’t the fifties anymore and the traditional family roles had changed by now. I’m sure he was fatigued as well but could he not recognize she could be exhausted by the end of the day with all the running around she did? That a simple task when fatigued wasn’t as simple? It just crushed me to know I couldn’t be there for her, and again, I saw another side to her husband I didn’t care much for.

Very early that next morning I messaged her to get an update.

6:00 a.m.

“Good morning! Much better! Doesn’t look as bad. Broken skin but I think I’ll be ok for the mud run. How r u?”

ME: “I’m happy to hear that! I’m good now knowing you’re good! Can’t wait for Sunday. 5 more days to go!”

ANYA: “Thanks baby! I was thinking about Sunday. I’m not so sure if I want to go to the Pacific Grill.”

My stomach began to turn as I feared she would cite her injury the previous evening as occurring due to the distraction of having me on her mind, and she now reconsidered meeting up with me for the one year anniversary of our first date.

ME: “Ok, Sweetheart. Did you have something else in mind?”

ANYA: “Well, I can see u from 4ish to 10ish. Did we still want to go there for just a spill and a sunset or go out to dinner somewhere?”

ME: “So let me get this straight. You want to go out on a real date?”

ANYA: “As close to a real date as possible.”

When I read this text, tears fell from my face without warning as I was overcome by pure elation. The word “we” is such a simple word, but people hardly use it when they made plans, but on display was why it was so easy to love her. It was always “we” and never “I” from her when she made plans for us although she was the one at the greatest risk. “We” was everything in a relationship, but after my initial elation I became torn at the same time as I had to consider her. I was ecstatic to know I would have six whole hours to spend with her but torn as it would put her at risk because we would be out in public if we went out to dinner. With six hours away from home and a suspicious husband, I didn’t think it bode well for her, or for us.

ME: “I would love to but where did you have in mind?”

ANYA: “I thought we could go have dinner way down south, somewhere like San Clemente, skip the sunset, and go back to your place to dance! Is that ok?”

ME: “Ok? Not only does it sound like the perfect evening but also a dream come true! I would love to do that! Are you sure?”

ANYA: “Yes!! I love you!!!”

ME: “I love you too!!!”

She blew me away with her plan, and it was easy to go along with because it was a dream come true. I wanted so bad to be seen with her on my arm, for the world to see us together, but I loved her and the public eye was a dangerous place for her. As badly as I wanted to go out on a romantic dinner with her I had to recognize the peril it would put her in, so later that day I reluctantly messaged her to throw an alternative idea her way.

ME: “Hi babe. What r u up to?”

ANYA: “Sitting at a soccer field now. Tryouts!”

ME: “Is Andrew already out of his cast?”

ANYA: “No, but by the time the season starts he won’t be in his cast anymore. He had to show up for tryouts though.”

ME: “Oh I see. I’m happy to hear that! I can’t wait for Sunday!”

ANYA: “Me too! It was just an idea. If you want to go to the Pacific Grill we can. I don’t mind.”

ME: “I love your idea. I think meeting at the Pacific Grill from where we live would take up at least 3 hours of our time together.”

ANYA: “Do u even want to go out to dinner or do u want to have dinner brought in?”

ME: “I would love to go out to dinner with you, but I was thinking we’d have more time to dance if we just brought it in. What do u think?”

ANYA: “Yes! Let’s order in! Can’t wait! I love you forever!!!”

ME: “Perfect! I love you forever!!!”

With our meeting place finally settled, I knew I’d have to make it epic to make up for the lost romantic dinner out. The following evening I couldn’t contain my excitement about Sunday, and with six hours to spend with her to celebrate the one year anniversary of our first meeting, I felt bulletproof. Since it was a Wednesday night, and I figured she was out running the kids around, I sent her a text to say hello, something I rarely initiated, but after she suffered a bad burn the other night, I felt I had better check on her. Her response however took me by surprise.

9:06 p.m.

“Sorry client dinner!”

Her text caught me off guard because she didn’t mention anything about it being on her plate this week as I found myself suddenly torn; was this really a client dinner or was this something called a “client dinner”? The only reason I questioned it in my mind was because she never mentioned anything about it to me, and she usually did. I understood client dinners were the norm for business owners. They came with the territory and were necessary to build a clientele. Businesses also received a meal and entertainment expense tax deduction which gave them more of an incentive to take clients out, but with the knowledge now she still shared the same bed with her husband and mixed in with a couple of cocktails, these dinners were hard to discount. I trusted her love for me though, and her feelings were real and deep, but I began to fear they were not on par with the depth of mine. I missed this woman the very minute I woke up in the morning. I missed her in my sleep as well, and I missed her the very second every time she left my apartment after a visit. With all the time she spent with other people, I found it hard to believe she missed me as much as she said she did, but after every visit she made and after every text message she sent, I also had every right to believe she did too. I simply had to put my complete trust in her. I had to believe she had zero incentive to hurt me in such a manner even though the situation called for it at times so I chalked up my feelings to missing her terribly, and just found a way to fall asleep.

10:40 p.m.

“Goodnight! Xoxo!”

6:59 a.m.

“Good morning! Sorry about last night. I was in OC late, couldn’t get away! I miss u!”

I missed her goodnight text because I fell asleep before she sent it. It just surprised me she was out in Orange County on a client dinner without telling me about it especially taken into consideration I lived in Orange County. It bummed me out for her to be so near yet the man who loved her more than anyone couldn’t be the man in her company last night. At any rate, in three days we would see each other again and I didn’t want to screw anything up by being too sensitive due to my past with other women. Her late night text, just like her plan to meet me for six hours in honor of our first meeting, was very thoughtful, and the reason I loved her so much.

On this particular day, a Thursday, she had a school play to attend in the morning, a chorus concert for her daughter and another school play for her son later that evening at two different schools as the school year neared its end. Regardless she still found time to text me in the afternoon.

12:45 p.m.

“Good afternoon baby! Hope ur having a good day! I’m sooo excited for Sunday! Can’t wait to be in ur arms again!!! Three more days!! I miss u. I love u.”

ME: “Good afternoon Beautiful! I hope ur having a good day too! I’m really excited about Sunday! I miss u and love u too! When is the last day of school for the kids?”

ANYA: “They both get out next Thursday. Andrew graduates from elementary school next Wednesday. Summer is going to b interesting. I just miss u so much it hurts! Miss ur kiss.”

Whenever I received texts such as these, all the negativity I felt dissipated into thin air. It opened my eyes up to the way she dealt with the missing as well, and I knew exactly how she felt because I simply felt the same. A few hours later while thinking of her, she sent me a text, one of those unexpected ones that provided evidence of our connection.

4:44 p.m.

“I love you!”

The only people who could ever understand how meaningful it is to receive an unelicited “I love you” text from someone you love more than life itself are the ones who know how it is to be truly in love with someone.

ME: “I love you too!!! Are u at the chorus concert?”

ANYA: “Not yet. Waiting to pick her up from tutoring.”

ME: “Ok! I miss u!”

ANYA: “I miss u too! R u excited about tonight’s game?”

ME: “Are you talking about The Lakers game?”

ANYA: “Yes!”

ME: “I guess you can say I am. I’ve been a Lakers fan for a long time. My mom and I even watch the games together so I’ll be watching tonight. It’s the NBA Finals and it’s the Boston Celtics! That’s must see TV for sure. How’s your tummy babe?”

ANYA: “I wish I could watch it w/u. U might get irritated though since I’m not a basketball fan. Boo boo is better thanks! Healing. Ready for sat! R u ready for Sunday? JK!”

ME: “Happy to hear your boo boo is feeling better. I am so ready for Sunday! Sunday is everything to me!”

ANYA: “Awww babe! I can’t wait for Sunday!! I miss u like mad! Xoxo!!”

Her words of missing me rung even more true as she text me from her daughter’s chorus concert.

8:10 p.m.

“Xoxo! Score?”

ME: “The Lakers lost, babe. Are you still at the chorus concert?”

ANYA: “I’m still here at the performance. That’s too bad. I’m sorry. Oh well, there’s another game on Sunday u know.”

ME: “I have something more important happening on Sunday! When it comes to you, the Lakers don’t exist even if they’re in the Finals.”

ANYA: “Awwwww! Can’t wait!”

Anya had a full weekend as usual. She had her son’s teacher’s retirement party on Friday night and a carb loading dinner with Carolyn and Debbie afterwards. She then had her mud run early Saturday morning, and was also hosting a party for some of her fellow mud runners that same evening. She kept me in the loop throughout the day, thankfully, as she couldn’t hold back her excitement for Sunday.

10:25 a.m.

“U r so on my mind every second! Hard to believe it’s only been a week since we danced at your place. I swear it feels like a month! Honestly, what the heck?”

ME: “At least a month! All I can say is the feeling is more than mutual, thankfully for me or I’d be in trouble.”

ANYA: “What are we going to eat on Sunday? Any suggestions?”

ME: “I’m up for anything! Is there something you have in mind?”

ANYA: “Anything? Even pasta?”

ME: “Babe, you know how I became possibly the only Italian on the planet who doesn’t like pasta! I forgot I told you about that story. I’m fine with pasta if that’s what you want.”

ANYA: “I was just kidding! I’m good with a sandwich or even a pizza! I don’t care as long as it’s not meat or fish. I’m so in love with you. Two more days!!”

ME: “I’m so in love with u too! Pasta it is then!”

ANYA: “No babe, I was kidding! I’ll have enough pasta in me after tonight to last me awhile! We’re going to carb load for the race. Seriously I don’t care! Something easy!”

ME: “We have a sushi place nearby. I think they have vege and cucumber rolls. How does that sound?”

ANYA: “Perfect!”

Later that Friday afternoon as I was Sunday dreaming, I initiated a text a few hours later to see how her day was going.

3:30 p.m.

“I was just thinking about u! Day is going well! Played all day and didn’t get a thing done! Well, I did pick up laundry and went to the bank. That counts, right?”

ME: “I think so! Good for you Sweetheart! You deserve a day to play.”

ANYA: “I know I keep repeating but I can’t wait to see u again! I just want to be near u, touching u, kissing u, smelling u!”

ME: “I feel the same longing for u too, but you always find a way to touch me without touching me. I can’t wait to have you in my eyes again. You’re my body. You’re my soul.”

My feelings and their connection with hers astounded me every time. I just never thought love existed, even as much as I believed in it, in this way. Love was a lot like dying; you could never be prepared for it when it happens to you. My feelings and my communication of them to her weren’t contrived at all. I never felt an obligation to respond to her feelings, mine just poured out of me naturally in reaction simply because I felt the exact same way.

Saturday felt brutally long as the anticipation and close proximity of Sunday fell upon me. Anya had her mud run that morning and so I waited until a little after eleven to see how she did.

11:25 a.m.

“Hi! We’re done and having beers! I placed 15th in my old age group. Oh well it was fun!!! Miss u babe!”

ME: “That’s the most important thing. Having fun and getting some great exercise! I wish I could enjoy running as much as you do. I don’t know how you do it. How many people were in your age group?

ANYA: “95.”

ME: “95? You did great babe! I’m proud of you! You should be proud!”

ANYA: “Thanks baby! I love you forever!”

ME: “I love you forever!”

After our exchange I didn’t expect to hear from her the rest of the day, but she sent me a text during the party she hosted to say hi and we had a brief exchange. Usually a night like this would be a tough lonely one, but her visit the next day made me feel at peace, and when Sunday finally arrived, excitement ruled the morning.

9:50 a.m.

“Good morning! It’s Sunday at last! How r u baby?”

ME: “Sunday at last! Never better!”

I eviscerated my apartment before she arrived, like I always did. I never just organized some things and dusted for her visits, but I actually cleaned every item, from my coffee table to the candle holders to the standing lamp. I scrubbed my walls, swept and mopped. I polished all my wooden furniture and even scoured the top of the refrigerator, something she’d certainly never notice but the things she didn’t see were important because it truly represented a clean place, and not a cover up. I didn’t believe I was OCD about it, I never used a toothbrush and took it to extremes, but I wanted my apartment to always be immaculate for her because she deserved it to be. After my past failures with women I never took our love for granted, and if we were married I would be the same way.

I ordered the sushi rolls and vege rolls for pick up and at three fifteen I went to get them. I arrived back home from the Sushi place at three forty-five and had fifteen minutes to make our dinner look presentable. I then prepared two plates each with two glass tumblers, two wine glasses and proper silverware on my kitchen countertop so we could eat right away if she was hungry. Although tempted, I left the bottle of wine uncorked until she arrived. I then grabbed two small white unscented candles, which I lit and placed on the countertop as well. After I lit the candles, I realized I didn’t have cloth napkins and only paper towels. I then began to fear my classy candlelight dinner taking a turn for the worse as I imagined the cheap mismatched paper towels catching fire after I drunkenly knocked one of my candles over. It was a small detail I missed, and it bummed me out as Anya was used to pristine client dinners. Even though I felt my presentation was now cheapened, and I now couldn’t compete with any truly romantic dinners from her past, I blamed my masculinity for the lack of foresight.

At four exactly, I saw the blinking red light on my phone, and I then read my two favorite words on the planet to see from her, “I’m here”. I jogged with haste to the gate to seize extra precious seconds with her. The sun still shone triumphantly above me as my vision became inundated with all the yellow, purple and red colored flowers around me because the beauty in such things was easy to take notice of now. When I opened the gate though, true beauty greeted me dressed in a thin black cocktail dress with her hair exquisitely done. Anya truly looked beautiful in anything she wore as her sense of fashion was not of this world or even close to what I was accustomed to seeing. She wore every color to natural perfection like the flowers around us as her voluptuous body and the way her dark hair laid gracefully along her face, down her back and on her shoulders accentuated whatever she wore. As the sun rays danced on her bare tan skin and as the dress fit perfectly around her subtle curves, she never looked more beautiful. It wasn’t just the dress she wore, but the warm smile she gave, the exuberance in her cheeks, and the delicate love in her eyes which exposed her heart to me and added to her splendor. Not once has any woman free to love me in any way, had ever cared enough to dress up. When Anya showed up in her dress, something she dreamt about doing as much as I dreamt about seeing, made me feel special to a woman for the first time. It was clear, she cared about the way she looked as much as I cared about the way I looked, the way my apartment looked, and that’s the way it should be. What stood before me on this day was a show of love; she wanted me to love her as much as I wanted her to love me, and that’s everything in a healthy relationship.

“I never thought you could look more beautiful than you always do.” I told her. “I was very wrong.”

She then grabbed my hand and smiled before shyly bowing her head.

“Thank you babe.” she said. “You look so handsome! I’m so happy!”

“No thank you!” I said as I grabbed a fairly heavy paper bag she held onto.

After we were inside my apartment, I locked the door as I always did, but before I could put down the dense bag she brought, she fell into my arms as the need to taste each other overtook us. After a few minutes passed we finally came up for oxygen with grins on our faces.

“What’s in the bag?” I asked.

“Sake!” she said excitedly. “I thought it would go good with our meal. Have you ever tried it before?”

“I tried it once a while back. I liked it though! Great idea!”

“It should help loosen us up!”

“Thank you for bringing this. It means a lot. I’m glad you still trust me. We both know what happened the last time you were here.” I said as I referred to the last time I got drunk at my apartment. “I promise that won’t ever happen again.”

“That’s in the past babe.” she said as she leaned in to kiss me. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“Oh babe” she said as she saw my dinner set-up. “So sweet of you. So romantic!”

“I’m glad you like it. It’s my first attempt at a candlelight dinner.” I said. “Minus the paper towels it’s not too bad.”

“I love it.” she said as she leaned in to kiss me again.

I pulled her stool out for her as she sat down before I walked over to my computer and started to play some soft music, songs she burned for me over the last six months. I then walked behind the counter into my kitchen, grabbed two shot glasses and began to pour us each a shot of sake. I then walked back around over to her with sake bottle in tow and handed her a full shot glass. Before we took our shots, I placed the bottle on the counter top, took my seat next to her, and put my hand gently along her neck to bring her face to mine. After a minute of affection passed, we reluctantly pulled apart and then clanked our sake shots together.

“To us.” she said.

“To us.”

After the first shot went down warm and smooth, I thought another couple of shots couldn’t hurt since we still had six hours to play with. After we each took two more shots, we then got lost in ourselves.

“I’m curious about something.”

“What is it?” I asked.

“How come you never drunk dial me?” she asked.

“Drunk dial you?” I started to laugh. “I only get drunk when I’m with you! I can call you now if you want me to.”

“Ha! You go out though, don’t you?” she asked.

“You know, not since I started seeing you. I’ve either been here or at my parent’s house.” I said. “I don’t drink alone.”

“You’re very responsible.”

“I try to be.” I said before lightly grabbing her hand upon hearing the sound of Michael Buble’s “You and I” fill the air of my apartment. “May I have this dance?”

A smile of gargantuan proportions broke on her face as she slowly rose from her seat, and I gazed into her eyes as her right hand naturally fell into my left. Our bodies moved into and with one another, and we began to kiss as we entered another realm of unearthly existence. Even though I was in familiar surroundings I was also in unfamiliar territory. I closed my eyes and began to imagine we were dancing at our wedding as I knew it would be just like this. I then put my right hand firmly on her waist as she pressed her left hand upon my chest and I felt her body heat emanate through her thin dress.

“It’s been some year hasn’t it?”

“It’s been the best year of my life.” she responded, peering up into my eyes.

“The best year of my life too.” I easily confessed. “By far.”

“I feel so at peace.” She replied, smiling. “When I’m in your arms I feel like I’m home.”

“It’s because you are home.” I whispered, kissing her on top of her soft clean head.

When a peaceful piano introduced the next song, David Gray’s “This Year’s Love”, we didn’t stop as it was another romantic song I always wanted to slow dance with her to.

“I love this song.” she broke. “It reminds me of us.”

“I love this song too. I remember listening to it for the first time on my drive home in the rain after I met you and the girls at RJ’s that night you gave me the CD. The sound of the soft piano and the rain falling outside against my windshield sounded so beautifully together; it almost brought me to tears actually just because it reminded me so much of the peace I feel when you’re in my arms. It was the first time I fell in love with the rain.”

We then began to kiss and touch more passionately as I smoothly used my index finger to take down a strap on her dress. She then looked at me and smiled as she slipped the remaining thin strap off. As her dress fell and her bare immaculate beauty stood before me, I removed the shirt I wore and brought her warm body into mine. She then pressed her breasts into my chest and brushed them lovingly against it. Overcome with desire, I brought my arms around her body to pick her up gently as she wrapped her legs gingerly around me. I cradled her in my arms as our lips embraced and I walked her inside into my quiet candle lit room. Aided by love’s stranglehold more than the alcohol we consumed, we began to make love while the sushi I brought in remained untouched; forgotten. A year’s worth of emotions culminated into the physical as we made sense of all the missing and all the longing we felt. Three hours later we held each other tightly, still unable to keep our hands off each other, to take full advantage of every millisecond we had together as if they were the last. I was ecstatic to know I had three more hours with her, but it hit me hard to think in three hours, I would miss her, probably now more than ever, as every step we took together in disobedience, in rebellion, brought us closer to both anguish and eternity. As she lay in my arms after we caught our breath, she started to talk about a subject I rarely discussed with anyone.

“What did you think about Obama claiming the democratic nomination?” she asked.

“He seems like a good man for the job.” I said. “I like the fact he’s Harvard educated, but he’s pretty inexperienced. He really didn’t have much competition from his party though because they are so damn old.”

“No kidding! Powell is more qualified but old as heck like McCain!”

“That’s true. Obama had some stiff competition; he just didn’t have to face any.”

“Ha! You’re too much, babe. I think Obama is a good candidate for the Democrats though.” she stated. “Can I ask you if you’re a Republican or a Democrat?”

“I’m pretty conservative these days so I would say I’m Republican, a moderate one. My guess is you’re probably Republican too. Am I right?”

“I am babe!” she said proudly. “Do you follow politics?”

This was a tough question for me to answer because I didn’t want to disappoint her, but I simply despised politics. I found a lot of wrong in them as it was difficult for me to follow people who were power hungry and more interested in the glamour of hanging out with celebs than doing the work they were voted in to do. I know women loved men of power and were drawn to politics, but all I saw were men with charisma who had a gift of gab who skillfully spun lies to sound like the truth to get votes. I preferred to take interest in people and things of authentic value, as I found politics to encourage a sheep mentality. I didn’t want to discourage her interest in them with my thoughts though; they were a necessary evil in our world, and Anya probably saw them in a different light than I did so before I responded to her question, and as much as I loathed politics, I carried an open mind and hoped to be swayed because of the great respect I had for her.

“I don’t. I know they’re important to pay attention to and I do follow them during election time. You can’t really avoid them at times, but I don’t get caught up in them.”

“I love following politics. I find them interesting.” she said. “Politics are around us every day, not just in the grand political arena. We use them every day…in business, in friendships, relationships, family, everywhere. I think our successes and failures are influenced greatly by our understanding of politics. ”

“Wow, I never looked at them that way. You’re so right, and in that sense, yes I can appreciate politics.” I said. “Oh well, I guess we can’t have everything in common. You don’t follow basketball, I don’t follow politics. They wash each other out don’t you think?”

“I think so.” she said as she then leaned in to kiss me.

A minute into our kiss, her pink Blackberry phone began to vibrate loudly upon my wooden nightstand. She then quickly grabbed it, glanced at the screen and began to shake her head.

“Is it him?” I asked as I noted the expression on her face.

“Yep. He never calls me. Ever.” she responded clearly annoyed. “Please don’t leave. Stay here while I talk to him.”

“Are you sure?” I said hesitantly. “I can step outside. I promise I won’t let it bother me, babe. I totally understand.”

“No, please. I want you here.”

“Okay.” I reluctantly agreed.

“Hey.” she said as she answered the phone. “I’m out to dinner…Yes, I know she’s there but she doesn’t get out until eleven…I’ll be there to pick her up.”

I could hear the tension in her voice as she spoke, and with every second she spent listening to him and with every further line of questioning from him, her responses became more terse. I was proud of her for it though; I was proud her true feelings came forth, a disgust for him I could not discount the reality of. I didn’t want her to hate him, he was the father of her children, but I needed to see these negative emotions from her consistent with all the things she told me about him that encouraged me to be in her life. I began to believe this was probably the same type of dismissive conversation that occurred for the entire twenty two minutes I stood outside my bedroom door the last time she took his call at my apartment. As the interrogation continued, I heard the tone of her voice suddenly change as it seemed the voice from the other line abruptly changed as well.

“Hi honey…I’ll be home at eleven thirty with Sissy…Sissy is at a party… I’m out to dinner right now with a friend. Tell your Dad I’ll talk to him when I get home about tomorrow… Okay honey. Love you.”

When I heard her son’s voice, I sat up on my bed and stared at the ceiling as I rubbed her back. I knew it was a tough moment for her after all we just shared and from where she was. I didn’t want to assume any kind of ploy on the part of her husband, but it felt like one. After she briefly talked to her son she put her phone back on my nightstand, but as soon as she did it instantly began to vibrate once again. She quickly answered it, but this time it was her husband. She then told him the same thing she communicated the first time he called and when she was finished she laid on her back, face up to the ceiling and placed her phone on her belly. She then turned her head to me with worry in her eyes. I kissed her on her forehead but as I removed the phone from her stomach, I saw where she had been burned a few days earlier and leaned down to kiss her now healed wound. I took the Blackberry and laid it down on the nightstand once more as she came into my arms after I turned back to her. Afraid to speak on her behalf, I held her for about thirty seconds before she began to.

“Katie had a party tonight. She told me earlier in the week she didn’t want “mom” there so I dropped her off and arranged to spend the time with you until the party ends at eleven.” she said. “I guess she called home for some reason and he found out I wasn’t there.”

“I’m sorry babe. I had no idea.” I said deeply touched and also saddened by her revelation. “Did you need to go to the party? I’m just happy I got to spend time with you. I’d totally understand.”

“No. I’ll just pick her up when the party’s over.” she said. “I’m sorry, I’m so upset right now. I didn’t know he’d put Andrew on the phone.”

“I’m sorry, babe.” I said as a thought suddenly consumed me. “Oh wait! I’ll be right back.”

“What is it?” she wondered just before I quickly left my room.

Ten seconds later, I returned with her dress in my hand.

“I’m so sorry. Let me iron it for you.” I said as I put it on a hanger affixed on the top of my bedroom door and began to press over it with my hands.

“Oh babe, you don’t need to do that. It’ll be fine. Thank you.” she said.

“Are you sure? It would be no problem at all.”

“No, babe. Really. It’s alright.” she reassured.

“I need to be more mindful of your clothing when you leave here. I apologize.”

“It’s fine babe. Really. Please come back in bed. I need to be in your arms.” she said as I obliged and reluctantly left her dress behind. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t expecting him to call. I hope that didn’t upset you.”

“Upset me? Not at all babe. I understand.” I said as I kissed her. “Do you want me to pick up the phone the next time he calls? I’m just kidding.”

“I wish you could.” she smiled.

As badly as I wanted to, I knew what the consequences would be if I did pick up the phone. Tonight, he proved what I always suspected, he would use the kids against her, manipulate them to pull at her heart strings in order to fully utilize the emotional blackmail card he held to his chest. I saw how he set himself up nicely as the victim to her kids because in his sick mind, Anya was not the victim of his multiple infidelities; he was. Without the sadness in her eyes and the disappointment in her voice as it softly cracked, I would have sided with her husband, easily sided with him because as a man I understood, but the absolute truth was he blamed her for their marital woes, and not the actions he took that created them; her empty feelings for him a threat to the family’s stability. For the last six months, and truly for the first time in her life, Anya did something about her empty feelings, she paid attention to them. Her husband’s phone call wasn’t the act of a noble man who tried desperately to save their family; it was the act of a coward through the mask of a family, done with the hope the “other man” knew nothing about his infidelities, just like all their friends, the outsiders, who didn’t know the truth about him, a truth only I knew. It was a chess move made by a man who loved himself more than his family because it came at the expense of his wife’s happiness as he thought she should remain miserable, like him, for remorseless transgressions not of her own doing, and to just “suck it up” for the sake of the kids, all at the cost of her very life, her very soul, and for the salvation of a lie.

After an emotional exchange with her son, she worried about what I thought, but the beauty in that thought process broke my heart as I felt I should have been the last thing on her mind. The other thing that hurt me about it, as I was certain it hurt her too, was that his call put her in the painful position to be dishonest with her son, and I believed the phone conversation she just had with Andrew was more of a reason than any to end her marriage. His deception had now carried over to her, and for any husband to put his wife in the position to lie to their children, especially one who announced he would trade her in for two twenty year olds when she turned forty, no longer deserved the title of husband. His arrogance and her suffering was on full display before me on this evening as it was now impossible for me to ignore regardless of the smile she wore.

“You know what’s crazy, babe?” she pondered aloud.

“What’s crazy, Beautiful?” I asked, praying she didn’t say our love was.

“Before I met you, I never wanted to get remarried.” she told me, her eyes never wavering from mine. “If I don’t leave him, I’ll never be happy.”

“That’s why I fight for you.” I stated, nodding. “What’s wrong with being happy? Happiness isn’t a crime; it’s essential as oxygen. Everyone deserves to be happy in life, and I feel you deserve to be happy simply because of the false pretenses your marriage to him rests upon. I love you and I care about your happiness. I think it will make you a better person.”

Her husband cheated on her when she was pregnant with her son which resulted in his premature birth because of the stress she felt over it, and what did her husband do to atone for this “mistake”? After his son almost died from it? He cheated on her again years later and then again even after that. I could not understand for the life of me if there was a God, why He rewarded people like her husband by giving him what I considered to be the most beautiful woman on the planet, and instead punished my heart for years before I met her.

“He knows not to upset me right now.” she said. “He knows not to rock the boat.”

Nodding with a smile, I then leaned in to taste her.

“Well, I’d be lying if I said I hope he doesn’t fall overboard.” I said. “It just seems to me he could care less about your happiness because it comes at the sacrifice of his own. He’s not taking any responsibility for the way he’s made you feel, and in my book that’s not even a friend let alone a husband.”

“I really worry about you.” she told me.

“Why?”

“Because I know what the missing feels like.”

“I admit it can be hard on me.” I reluctantly replied. “But I think it’s mainly because I have less going on in my life outside of work than you do. I just have to find some things to keep me busy to help keep my mind off of thinking about you all the time. I think if I can do that, I can manage the missing better.”

“Even though I have things to keep my mind off of you, I’m always thinking of you. All good thoughts.” she said. “I just worry about the burden on you. If we had met five years ago I would have left him by now.”

“Whether five years ago or five days ago, that shouldn’t matter, Sweetheart.” I reasoned. “And please don’t worry about the burden on me. I’m a big boy. Whatever happens I’ll be a big boy. We’re in this together but this is all on me.”

Looking up into my eyes for affirmation, Anya’s dark soft eyes fell purposely and intentionally before meeting my waiting gaze.

“Okay.” she said.

“Okay.” I replied, nodding with both sincerity and hope.