“Limb by limb and tooth by tooth;
Tearing up inside of me.
Every day;
Every hour.
I wish that I…
was bulletproof. “
~ “Bulletproof” Radiohead
When I first received her message I was elated to hear from her. I didn’t concentrate on where she had been but only on her communication to me, however minutes later I couldn’t help but feel deeply distressed by it when I realized she was not in Spain, but on a canary island. How did this happen? How did she go along with this? How could she go along with this? My mind then took over the wheel and veered me off the straight and narrow road of her trip because of my past. I began to remember when I thought Denise loved me, and when I thought Lexi wanted to date me. I then came to the hard sudden realization that I had been wrong about everything I thought a woman ever felt for me. Now, I was supposed to believe this getaway to the Canary Islands before her business trip in Spain was nothing but a three day layover?
Before I could text her back I had to sort these thoughts out in my mind as I now understood why she was so scared of my feelings changing for her while she was gone. I then recalled he had the itinerary and she didn’t, but then why did I ask if she knew what her itinerary was? Did I have a sixth sense that she wasn’t being honest with me about her trip? What would be her incentive to be honest with me about her trip if she feared she would lose me though? She must have known this would affect me like the Valentine’s Day dinner did. Like the time I wondered why she hadn’t checked her schedule. This had to be the reason she was so nervous and not excited to go to “Barcelona” although it would have been nicer to hear “I’m not excited to go to Tenerife.” instead, but that would entail me knowing about this part of her trip. This is why she burned me the Latin CD. This is why she came by to visit me before she left. This is why she wanted me to know she would say yes if I asked to marry her. She knew the itinerary. She had to have known. My mind was right. My mind, my consciousness, my intuition was always right about the things I didn’t want to be right about.
Then my heart, my unconscious, the innate got involved as it fought back valiantly. It told me, she knew about Tenerife but she didn’t want to lose me, and she feared she would if she did. I then remembered she would rather die than never have me in her life which gave her more of an incentive not to tell me. I was also told she could never quit me. She wanted to run. She dreams of being with me. All she wanted was for me to love her, the way she deserves a man to love her, and she knows I’m the only man who could love her the way she needs to be loved. She had to have that.
I then thought about the beauty of her thoughts. A woman who didn’t love me and who didn’t care if she lost me wouldn’t have made half the effort Anya did. Anya burned me the Latin CD. She came by to share the beauty of “Toda Una Vida” with me. She came over the day before she left for her trip. She even shared with me extremely personal things about her life; things that could wreck her entire life if others knew. She trusted me with her heart, the greatest honor a man could have bestowed on them. She wanted to leave me with something beautiful that would show her mercy, love and understanding, and all she wanted from me in return was to love her after she returned from her trip, and I promised her I would.
Then my consciousness, my intuition, my instinct, my mind began a vicious counterattack that threatened to destroy all we had shared. No woman had ever found you to be an amazing or incredible man. You’re nothing but a sucker. A sucker for words, not actions. She lied to you about this trip, and she’s lying to you about your place in her life. She’s using you to fill a void and you’re letting her because you’re a loser, you always were, and you always will be because while everyone else is living in reality you still find yourself believing in the myth called love.
My unconscious, my innate, my heart, my Higgs-Boson, the passion particle within fought back to hold my universe together. All these negative thoughts your mind is feeding you are false, she told you those things because you really are an amazing and incredible guy. She truly loves you, and that’s why she feels that way. You have done a lot for her and it took you just four months to do what her husband hasn’t been able to do in fifteen years of marriage. She has shared too much to lie to you about anything. Why would she risk everything by being in this relationship if being with her husband meant so much? Why would she put everything on the line even continue to see you even when her husband was suspicious? She talked of a future! Why would she tell you not to get a pet if she wanted to be with her philandering husband in Tenerife? It’s highly likely she didn’t know the itinerary, and her husband held it back from her purposely because he knew it would be met with resistance from her. What if her husband knows about you and he knew something like Tenerife would break you guys apart? What if she knew his game all along and believed he would utilize this tactic so she did everything she could to remain in your heart before she left? After she put her heart and soul into you so you knew how she felt before she left, why would you question her intent and break her heart to pieces?
Tenerife caused a rift within me as my mind tried to overtake my heart, but as my love for Anya pushed back against the intuitive advance; an intuition shaped by the failures of my past, and spearheaded by my lifelong low self-esteem, my belief in love, particularly her love for me, fought nobly back, further supported by my complete love for her. I could hear my mind using Mitch and his spirited “I told you so”'s which upset me even more, but as the war waged on, my heart won this battle over my mind and that was when I decided to text her back.
ME: “Hi! I’m so happy and shocked to hear from you! Good to know you’re safe. I hope the trip is going well. I miss you very much.”
It was all I could text her as I was saddened that she was at a place I wasn’t expecting her to be, without me.
ANYA: “Sorry it’s been non-stop! Trip is going well. This place is amazing! Wish you were here. How r u?”
Did she really want to know how I was? How I was marking my text messages as unread because I missed hearing from her? How she was in this beautiful place and I was here, in my bedroom, like a prison cell, paralyzed because I missed her so much? And of course, I couldn’t tell her that. I didn’t want her to worry about me. I wanted her to have a good time even though I was down. I was wrong about her Valentine’s Day dinner. I was wrong about her not looking at her calendar, so I had to be wrong about Tenerife.
ME: “I miss hearing from you but I’m okay. How r u?”
ANYA: “I’m so sorry baby! I have to go on at least one of these trips a year for work and it is always crazy! I have to be “on” almost every day! I’m at a cocktail party and it will go on all night. I miss you very much too! I didn’t know that I had texting capability until Katie texted me. I just can’t compose a new one. I miss you and love you. I hope ur doing well. My feelings haven’t changed. Text me when you want. I just can’t always get back to you right away. I love u!”
ME: “I’m fine Beautiful. Thanks, I will. Have fun at the cocktail party. Thanks for texting me. I love you too!”
ANYA: “Xoxo!”
It was really sweet of her to text me, but why would she mention her feelings hadn’t changed? Was there a reason why they would? I tried not to analyze things too much, I mean for every negative thought I would find a positive one to combat it. I knew she was worried about me, hell…I was even worried about me, but it was thoughtful of her to text me; she could have gone the entire trip without doing so if she wanted to. I just hoped she didn’t contact me due to guilt of any kind or out of a sense of obligation. I only wanted to hear from her because she longed to be with me and truly missed me. The more I thought about her talks of the future though, the better I felt, and even if she did know about the trip to Tenerife, which was a possibility, her talk of the future meant everything and helped me not to focus on it too much. The unknown factor however now shone in my eyes and resounded in my ears, as it threatened my previous level of understanding only because I began to see how I was dying quicker each day without her.
On Day Six of Anya’s trip, Kevin Kash and I were scheduled to perform a walk-through of a rock quarry for a new client who was in the concrete business. It was a unique inventory observation that required complex calculations to determine the company’s inventory value and Clyde wanted the managers he trusted most to do the valuation. I had to drive to Hesperia where the company’s headquarters was stationed which was about an hour and a half drive from my apartment. From there we would then have the company’s Controller drive us to Lucerne Valley where the rock quarry was located. Even though it was a Friday, it had the distinct feel of a Monday to me as I couldn’t get Anya off my mind. Here I was in the middle of the high desert surrounded by dreary dust, jagged rocks, high winds and hundred degree heat, and Anya was in a beautiful foreign place. It was hard not to be discouraged by it all for many reasons which led to me having a hard time focusing on the valuation, but somehow though, I had to take myself away from the pain of Spain because these complex and detailed calculations were of the upmost importance to be done correctly, and it was my job to make sure they were correct as a simple error could easily cost the company millions if I wasn’t careful.
As the dreariest of days toiled on, surrounded by dirt and a dry heat that wreaked havoc on my sinuses and gave me a headache, I suddenly felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. Beyond my better judgment knowing how I was having a really hard time focusing, I viewed the message on my phone.
9:21 a.m.
“Hi! Just arrived at the Arts Hotel in Barcelona! Long day and now I have to get ready for another event tonight. Miss you very much! Xoxo!”
After I read the message I messaged her back to tell her I missed her very much too and to have a nice evening. When it was morning here, it was evening in Barcelona, a nine hour time difference. I was relieved to hear from her initially, but the negative thoughts without warning began to erupt in my mind, and I found it hard, if not impossible to concentrate. Kevin was there before I was and introduced me to the Controller. He was a short guy with a dark moustache, pale skin and curly hair with a New Yorker’s accent. After a few minutes of small talk, Kevin and I got into his white Tundra and drove off to the rock quarry in Lucerne Valley. Kevin sat in the front seat since he was the designated person who would hold out the three foot long instrument outside the truck’s window that would measure the length of the sections of the quarry we would value. I took the back seat and with my calculator, I was assigned to figure out the size of each pile we chose to measure based on Kevin’s reading, and what the value of those selected piles in the quarry would be. As the Controller talked about their business, I was unable to follow him as I found myself self-absorbed as I prayed my phone would suddenly move in my pocket to let me know I was on her mind as much as she was on mine, just to give me something to help me through this dark day, but the more I hoped, the more disappointed I became as my phone remained as still as the quarry itself.
Bouts of depression were common before I met Anya, but this was the first time I felt depressed since I met her, as it made me long for the sadness I felt before we met. What I felt was absolute despair and it choked the life out of my positive thinking, as it even cast a shroud over my bright future with the firm. When we finally reached the quarry forty-five minutes later, I had to find a way to snap out of it and focus on the task at hand. While the Controller drove along the narrow ridges of the rock mine, I tried to follow along with the measurements the Controller read out to me just after Kevin had ran the stick along the ground to determine the length of each of the selected piles, but I lost track of the numbers he gave me and I couldn’t even read my scribbled writings as I knew my calculations were wrong. When I read the first calculation back to him, the Controller corrected me by saying I was “way off” and had to be doing it incorrectly. Thankfully he was understanding and didn’t make a fuss about it after I asked if we could redo the measurements of a few piles we had already done, but Kevin could sense something wasn’t right, and when we decided to take a break so the Controller could talk to the quarry manager, he took the opportunity to pull me aside.
“How are things goin', Land?”
“Good. I got the readings now. The calculations are correct. I think we’re good to go.” I told him.
“No, I mean how are you doin'? I haven’t talked to you in a while.”
“I’m good, Kev. How are you?”
“I’m okay. You know, same old same old.” he said, smiling at me. “Are you still seeing that girl? The one you met at that bar?”
“I am.” I responded hesitantly. “She’s out of the country right now, though.”
“She is? Where’d she go?”
“Barcelona.” I told him. “Spain.”
“Hmmm.” he said, a peculiar look forming on his face.
“What is it?”
“Oh…nothing. Nothing.” he replied, seemingly reluctantly. “How long is she gone for?”
“A week and a half.”
“Man…she has to be on your mind more than she normally is I bet.”
“I’ve never missed someone so much.” I tried to explain. “It’s crazy you know? I always thought missing someone was something you were obligated to feel for someone when they weren’t around, but I feel like a huge part of me is missing right now, like I’m just this huge gaping hole. I can’t even explain it.”
Stolen story; please report.
“Do you guys talk often?”
“Every day.” I informed him. “I think that’s why it’s been hard on me.”
“I can imagine. Well, hang in there bud, she’ll be back before you know it and life will be good again.” he said as he patted me on the back. “Now let’s count these rock piles so we can get the hell out of this god forsaken place.”
“Count me in.” I answered, feeling a little better. “Count me in.”
Even though it was a brief conversation, it helped me to get some of the feelings off my chest and to focus on the task at hand. I almost broke down and confided in Kevin about the relationship because I felt bad about my lack of focus that extended our stay longer but decided to hold off. It was a lot to explain to someone let alone a colleague, but even though he was a good friend more than a colleague today wasn’t the day. I just needed to get out of Lucerne Valley as fast as possible so I could deal with all I was feeling in the comfort of my loneliness.
After arriving back home, I googled the Arts Hotel in Barcelona to get an idea where she was staying. As a picture of the hotel showed on my monitor, I was taken aback as it was a five star one thousand dollar a night luxury hotel, one that rested high above the city and that overlooked the Mediterranean. The hotel was also near a beach and the seafront which allowed for panoramic views of Barcelona. To say I was broken hearted would have been an understatement, and to say I shouldn’t have been also carried some validity.
The war between my heart and mind could not be stopped on this night, as I now felt completely crushed by her trip. I even began to question if this really was a business trip or one for pleasure. Was it a getaway from the kids? Like a punch drunk fighter I was staggered by it all, but why would she lie to me and bring me all this way? Why did she tell me I had broken her heart if my heart would have to endure this? Was this what she meant by asking me to fight for her? Did she know that the fight for her would have to come from within? Was this why the romantic singer left her? Because he had to endure moments like this? After I had seen the images of the hotel, and with the knowledge she was not there alone I became suddenly nauseous as I broke out in a nervous sweat. I then felt an uneasiness inside I had never felt before; a discomfort I had zero control of as I realized for the first time in my life I was love sick. I somehow had to find a way to take myself away from Barcelona, Spain and bring myself back to Irvine, California. It was then when I decided to make a late night visit to see my parents just to see if I could get my mind off of things; to hopefully determine the difference between the irrational and the rational thoughts before I vomited.
“Landy? What are you doing here?” my mom asked up seeing me walk inside the house. “It’s past ten.”
“I’m sorry, but I just had to get out of the house.” I told her. “Did you get the results of your tests back?”
“No, not yet. I should know in a few more days.”
“Okay.” I said as I walked into her room then saw something I had forgotten about that stopped me in my tracks. “Can I have a couple of these? Do you mind? They worked good on my back last time around.”
“Just two.” she instructed. “They don’t really help my pain much, but I’m happy to hear they helped you.”
“Thanks” I said as I took two of them and stuffed one in my pocket. “Do you have any water?”
“Sure, in the cupboard out in the hallway.”
I walked to the cupboard just outside her bedroom and swallowed one of the Vicodin pills. I remembered how much they helped me to relax the night of her Valentine’s Day dinner as I realized how horrific this feeling felt in comparison. When I came back into the room my mom faced me as she sat on her bed.
“Is something troubling you Landy?” she asked.
I then perched myself on her dull pink upholstered rocking chair just beside her bed. I didn’t know what to tell her. I didn’t want her to worry about me.
“Anya’s in Spain for ten days.” I said. “I guess I’m feeling a little lonely. A little down. She’s on a business trip with her husband there.”
“Have you heard from her?”
“Oh yeah, she’s text me a few times since she left.” I said. “But it’s still tough you know. I found out she’s staying in this beautiful hotel and I’m just having a hard time wondering why she’s there and I’m here.”
“How long has she been married now?”
“Fifteen years.”
“I’m sure she’s just going through the motions for her children, Landyn.” she said. “Fifteen years is a long time. After you have kids, things change. Things are never the same after that.”
That’s exactly the reason I came to visit my mother. Although, she didn’t agree with the relationship, she had a way of making me see things the way that I should. As the Vicodin kicked in and she further broke this fact down for me, the uneasiness I felt inside began to dissipate. I didn’t really believe she was having a romantic time with her husband there, but she probably was intoxicated from the wine tour and things could happen. Through my mother’s careful words, however I was reminded that I had never been married before and needed a proper perspective. Anya told me they lived like roommates so even though it was possible, I believed if she wanted to mend her marriage, she would have never found a way to text me. If I was going to burden my mind with all possible scenarios, I had to consider factual ones as well.
On my drive home after my short visit, I tried to keep my thoughts in order. I really didn’t need any further details about her trip. I didn’t need to know her room was gorgeous and overlooking the Mediterranean. I didn’t need to know about her excursion to the Canary Island of Tenerife with another man. I had to try and cleanse the blur that what she shared with me created. I had two meltdowns before this for no real reason other than fear based on speculation and not fact. I had to work harder to not complain or say a word. I had to think more positively to understand why this trip happened. I couldn’t go back and forth anymore, but what I did know was this without a doubt; my heart could not stomach any more trips even for business reasons simply because Tenerife hinted that a part of this trip may not have been business related. If she had no idea what the itinerary was, I couldn’t take the chance she would eventually find out and go along with it. My mother helped soothe the chaos inside when she told me Anya was going through the motions for her kids, and I had to keep telling myself that over and over again when it got difficult.
By the time I reached my apartment, I made the decision not to contact her again until she returned home. If she text me, I would tell her not to worry about me, I didn’t want to take anymore of her time, I wanted her to enjoy her trip without worrying about me, and we’d be in touch when she returns. I had to sort these thoughts out soon though because I now believed the fear of losing what we had was a reasonable fear for her to have now. I understood completely she had to go through the motions for her kids, and that’s okay, but not when she had allowed another man into her life and to fall deeply in love with her. She told me I broke her heart, and I gave us a chance to right that wrong; not to have my heart broken. I feared I could be used to fill a void because she was married, and this fear of a shattered heart was why I left her the first time. No matter how hard I tried to understand and justify her trip, all in all, Tenerife and the Arts Hotel did not sit well with me.
1:41 a.m., (9:41 a.m in Barcelona)
“Good morning! Sorry it’s early but I have a full day and I had a minute. It’s been a week it feels like a lifetime. I’ve had many beautiful moments in my head and you were with me, like a dream. The beaches and the sunsets are serene, the people are nice and the food is average so far. I miss you and it hasn’t been easy for me. Dealing w/lots at home and for work as well. Love you!”
6:43 a.m., (2:43 p.m. in Barcelona)
“I’m surviving on wine, cheese, olives, bread, wine, vegetarian paella, and oh did I mention wine? I did a group tour of the Gaudi Cathedral after the meeting and thought of you. There was a couple totally engaged and “lost” in their own world! They couldn’t stop gazing into each other’s eyes and kissing as if the world around them didn’t exist. Needless to say they didn’t hear a word from the guide who led the tour. I was envious. I miss you.”
I had fallen asleep just before one in the morning, and did not read her first text before the second arrived. After I read her second though, I had a change of heart, and just like that, all the negative emotions brought on by my loneliness, faded away with a single observation only Anya could have made beautiful and meaningful to me.
ME: “That is so us. I could totally see us on a tour not even paying attention to the tour guide too…lost in another world. Thanks for the text. I’m sure you’re surrounded by beautiful things in Barcelona, but you should know the most beautiful thing there by far is you. I miss you and love you too.”
ANYA: “Ur so sweet! I would have to argue with that! I’m looking out at the Mediterranean Sea, beautiful and massive. The architecture is amazingly old and ornate. The City is electric and cosmopolitan. The only thing I’m missing is you. I miss you and love you baby!”
Out of all the texts she had ever sent me over the entire last four months, this one was the most vital. It quieted the storm inside of me and brought my mind the tranquility I had sought. It showed her humility as her love shone on me like a million suns. Her text showed me I wasn’t the only one who had a difficult time and even though she was surrounded by beautiful things, she still ached and struggled. I had to admit, even as greatly pained as I was, I don’t think I could have ever communicated something so beautiful to her the way she did for me. That was all I needed from her, the comfort the beauty of her thoughts provided me, and after seven long days, I was relieved to have them back.
ME: “Those were the most beautiful thoughts I had ever known. Thank you for sharing them with me. Even though I’m not physically there believe me when I tell you I am with you. I love you.
ANYA: “Yes you are with me! I love you too! I better go. I have another business evening I have to get ready for. Besos my love!”
After I received these messages I felt all was right with the world again as the heart triumphed over the mind, as my unconscious mind took over the conscious, and the innate toppled the intuitive. Like the Higgs-Boson particle, that kept the entire universe together as galaxies expanded through destruction and construction, the passion particle inside me, inside us all, continued to bind my universe together as destructive thoughts gave way to newly constructed ones.
Armed with this new feeling of inner peace, I decided to text her the very next morning.
ME: “Good morning! How r u? I just heard on the news Spain is experiencing a grape shortage. Just kidding! I wanted to be the first to say happy 4 months! I hope you’re doing well. Miss you.”
ANYA: “Good morning! Doing well! Happy 4 months! I’ve definitely contributed to the grape shortage that’s for sure! Meetings and spa day today. Going to a winery for a tour in an hour. Hope to make it to the Picasso Museum tomorrow. How r u? Miss u too!”
ME: “I’ve been feeling a little under the weather lately, but I feel better today.”
ANYA: “I’m sorry. I’m glad you feel better today! Better go! Take care! Love u!”
ME: “You too! Love u too!”
My thoughts then began to steamroll as once again galaxies collided into galaxies within me and robbed me of the hole I hunkered down in. Luckily, my heart began to counterattack my sensitivity as I relived all the things she communicated to me about her fear of losing us when she returned home, which brought me to the promise I made to her; that my love was not going to change, but to be honest, I felt differently now as these deleterious emotions came upon me like a flash flood that took these heavy feelings, even my promise, and floated them down over a waterfall as if they carried no weight at all.
The undeniable bottom line was I loved her dearly and I missed her greatly but I was beyond frustrated that I did. I wanted to just be normal again, to not love and miss so greatly so I would be unaffected by her trip, but there was nothing I could do as my heart resided in a dead-end street as I painfully envisioned every kiss she planted on her husband’s cheek, as even that began to bother me too. That was when I realized how dangerously in love with her I was because I knew now there was no turning back. I was immobilized, dispirited and overwhelmed like a dazed fighter unable to protect his face from every punch thrown his way. Tenerife murdered me inside as the façade of her marriage, and the show she puts on for the crowds I now found terribly disturbing as I realized with every kiss on the cheek, like every business trip she took with him, the façade would only strengthen and it made me sick to think it existed.
She communicated to me there were other trips she made during the year to Hawaii, and even to the Bahamas as the great concealment would only continue further, like a plague unleashed upon my overburdened heart and mind. The problem was perfectly clear to me now; I had no idea what I was up against, and when she asked me to fight for her, the last thing I fathomed was I would be fighting for her with myself as Tenerife alone had proven to me that this fight appeared to be a solo act. All I wanted was brutal honesty from her in the beginning so I could prevent myself from falling hard for her, but now, I was too in love with her to want to hear things she should of told me in the beginning.
As much as it would bring me to my knees, and probably even to death’s door, I needed to be brave enough to ask her what was going on over her side of the fence as Spain made the blur one of great prominence. I knew there would be more of these trips on the horizon my heart would have to endure if I was to stay, and I couldn’t ask her to stop her way of life if she chose not to do so. I had to prepare myself for the greatest heartbreak of my life, a self-induced malady I did not want to feel as I was love sick for the first time in my life. Here it was Day seven of her trip, and I was still uncertain when she would be home. What if she was gone for another week or even two?
I needed to know what my true place in her life was. I needed to know if she was filling a void or if she truly loved me, but I needed to be fearless enough to know. I tried to shift my thoughts to the prior week as it was just a week ago we had the best time together. She was clingy and afraid to lose me, and I didn’t want to lose her too. The last thing I wanted to do was throw four months away especially the best four months of my life, but I needed to be honest with myself, how much more could my heart take? If she truly loves me, she will have to recognize I’m in her life now, and I can’t allow her to think she could just keep living it as if I wasn’t in her life. Of course, I would let her do what she needs to do for the kids, but I needed to know what she did for him because these feelings I carried about her trip were not acceptable and had to be altered in some way, if not completely changed. All I knew was this, Tenerife has made it painfully clear, I needed to lay it all on the line when she returned.
I had to be as noble as possible and could not communicate any of my negative feelings to her while she was on her trip. As much as this trip was unfair to me, she communicated her fears to me well before she left, and I had to acknowledge that. I promised her that we would be okay and to break that promise would be like breaking a wedding vow to her. I had to tuck my pain away so she didn’t feel any even though the thoughts of her in that beautiful hotel as she possibly walked around naked and intoxicated around him troubled my heart to no end. I had been nothing but respectful, caring and loving towards her, and I just didn’t understand why my heart would have to endure such torturous thoughts. I didn’t want to disappoint her with my feelings, but I also didn’t want to be dishonest with her as well. Communication was important in every relationship and I wanted her to know me as intimately as possible, I just feared because of all the emotions my words could be misinterpreted easily. I just needed to realize I was deeply confused and I just needed her help to direct me in my thoughts so I understood better.
I continued to text her because I didn’t want her to worry about what I was going through on this end and sense anything was wrong, as I tried to ward off any further destructive thinking.
Day 8 - 2:30 a.m., (11:30 a.m. in Barcelona)
“It rained here last night as well! Thought about you too! I’m glad ur feeling better. I miss ur kiss and closeness. Seems like forever! Miss you and love you too!”
By Day Eight, I realized I couldn’t put my heart into hearing from her on this trip and once I did that I honestly felt better. I then finally got the best news I had heard in the longest time the following day.
Day 9 - 9:34 p.m., ( 6:34 a.m. in Barcelona)
“Hi! Traveling today! Will be home tom night! Miss u too!”
When I received this text, my mind stopped racing as the negative thinking ceased, and my heart rested from the onslaught. There would be no extended trip, and that meant everything to me. After enduring those restless days however, I couldn’t forget nor ignore how it made me feel. I knew I had to find out what was going on as there was no way I could endure another trip like this one. I could tolerate a family vacation, but not another one alone with him ever again, and if I had to endure yet another one, I would have to end our relationship.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
5:14 p.m.
“Hi! Just got in! Will talk to you in the morn! How r u?”
5:29 p.m.
“???”
I was relieved she was home safely as I took a deep breath after I read her first text. I then went to my room, grabbed a bottle of water from my nightstand and swallowed the last Vicodin I had. I then put my hands on top of my dresser and wept silently, and when I saw her second text that followed her first, I took another deep breath as I prepared myself for the worst and the end of my life as I now knew it.