09.07.23
Dear Diary, I feel like I’m getting closer to finding out the Fields’ secret. I’m 95% sure it has to do with me. I’ll just have to endure going to school and hearing the gossip, because that’ll give me the answer.
I still have my doubts, though. Am I being self-centered? Or am I just paranoid? Is that another thing my therapist will diagnose me with? I’ve never read my file, but I know for a fact that it’s filled with ‘issues’ I have.
It’s just so weird. Susan’s constantly complaining to her husband about the congregation at their church ‘judging’ them, the boys don’t let Harry tell me whatever he wants to tell me, everyone at school and their mother have been talking about me the past two days, Tommy’s arguing more with Shirley… And it’s like they’re being extremely careful not to say anything around me. Like they’re afraid I’ll overhear something.
Well, sooner or later, I’ll find out. I couldn’t get anything out of Mildred, unfortunately. Thelma says she doesn’t get into gossip, but no doubt she’s heard something. Tony said the same thing.
If I can get Harry alone, maybe I can get something out of him. He’s obviously dying to tell me whatever it is. Tommy’s always calling him a blabbermouth.
I heard footsteps coming up the stairs. Pausing from my writing, I looked down the hall to see who it was.
Harry seemed tense as he stormed to his bedroom and slammed the door. Speak of the devil. Was he alone? Where were the others?
I bit my lip. Now was my chance.
I put down my pen and turned off my lamp, quietly walking over to his door. I just hoped Tommy wasn’t in there. I knocked.
“What?”
“It’s Diana.”
“Go away.”
“I just want to talk.”
“I said, go away.”
I sighed. “Harry, please. You know we need to talk about this.”
“No.”
I leaned on the door. As painful as it was to swallow my pride, I knew I had to do this. What I did was pretty scummy.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry for what I did. I… I went too far.”
He didn’t respond.
“I’ll tell everyone you got hacked. I’ll admit I did it,” I insisted. “And I know it won’t do much, but it’ll at least do something. I’m sorry, Harry.”
After a long pause, the doorknob rattled. I stepped back as he opened the door. His face was stone-cold, but his eyes were red and teary. “What do you want?” he asked, venom ringing clear in his voice.
“I just want to talk,” I said.
“There’s nothing to talk about.” He sniffled, rubbing his nose.
“You know there is. If Tommy’s not here, this is the best time to talk about it. Please.” I hated sounding desperate, but I was desperate. He was my only hope for an answer.
He massaged his forehead, his shoulders bunched up with tension. After a few moments, he blew out a huge sigh. “I can’t believe I’m doing this,” he muttered to himself. He jerked his head for me to come in. I eagerly obliged and he closed the door.
Looking around, I noticed lots of laundry recklessly thrown around the room. My nose wrinkled. “Didn’t I just clean your room before school?”
“Yeah.”
I shook my head. “Seriously. There’s a hamper right here.” I picked up the dirty clothes and tossed them into the basket. Harry ignored me and stared blankly at his phone screen, lying on his bed.
I sat on Tommy’s bed and faced him. “Okay. You wanted to tell me something at school.”
He tensed up again, putting down his phone.
“It must be big if Tommy got so mad at you for saying it.”
Silence. Frustration grew within me, but I kept my cool. “Harry, I know you know. And you know that I know you know. And I know you know that I know you know.”
He stared at me, confusion swimming in his eyes. “I literally have no idea what you just said.”
“Could you please just… tell me? Tell me why I get these looks. Tell me why people talk about me. I know it’s more than me being a foster kid. No one cares about that.”
“Diana… I don’t know. I want to tell you, okay? But…” He stood, pacing. The tension thickened. “It’s not something I can just… tell you. It’s something very personal. I know it seems simple, but it’s not. It’s just not.”
“I wouldn’t be asking if it didn’t involve me.”
“How do you know it involves you?”
“Um… everyone is talking about me? Duh.”
He looked away.
“If you don’t tell me, someone else will. I’m going to keep asking people at school, and one of them will have the guts to tell me outright.”
Silent again. He knew it was true. He scratched his cheek. “It’s not easy to say,” he told me. “It’s like…” He paused and glanced down at my hands. I looked at him questioningly. He met my eyes again and shook his head. “What I’m trying to say is… I can’t just go and tell you, no matter how much I want to.”
“You almost did at school.”
“I was angry.”
“Well, get angry!” I snapped. “I need to know, Harry!”
The door opened, startling us. “No, you don’t.”
Tommy came in with a cold glare directed at me. I only frowned at him, my anger reaching new heights.
“Harry, we’re going to play PS5. Let’s go,” he said.
I stopped Harry before he could leave. “You’re not leaving until you tell me the truth.”
“Diana, I can’t tell you.”
“Yes, you can!”
“No, he can’t.” Kyle came in with Jack. Great. The cavalry.
“Harry.” I looked at him intensely. He was now sweating, his eyes darting around at everyone’s faces.
“Ignore her, Harry,” said Jack. “It’s none of her business.”
“It’s all of my business!”
“Look, we’ve had enough of you butting into our lives!” Jack approached me angrily. Intimidated, I reared back.
“Jack, cool it-” Kyle began.
“You’ve already done enough. They don’t owe you anything after what you did to them. So stay out of this.” He shoved my shoulder— not too hard, but hard enough for me to know he meant business.
This only stirred up my fury and I shoved him back with all my might. He stumbled backward, caught off guard. “I’ll find out. Whether from you, or someone else, or your parents, I’ll find out!” I left before they could say anything back.
~~~
I stood behind Tommy and Harry as we waited for the bus. I readily plugged my fingers in my ears when it approached and let out the sudden hiss. I was alright with the noise itself— it was the intensity of it that would send my heart in a frenzy.
We boarded with everyone else on our corner. Mildred brightened when she saw me, patting my seat eagerly. I managed a small smile and went to sit.
She gave me a quick hug. “Hey! How are you?”
“Okay.”
“I wanted to text you, but I couldn’t find you on Familiar. What’s your username?”
“Oh, I don’t have FamiliarFaces.”
“What? Why?”
I shrugged. “I used to, but I didn’t have any friends, so… I just stuck to GoodNews.”
“Oh, I have GoodNews. Could you give me your number?”
As we exchanged numbers, the bus went over a speed bump. My hand shot out and caught my backpack before it fell off.
“Nice reflexes,” Mildred chuckled.
“Thanks.” I moved my bag to the floor between my feet.
“You know, you should get Familiar. Almost everyone at school uses it.”
“That’s exactly why I don’t want it.”
There was a moment of silence between us.
“Hey, Mildred… we didn’t finish talking yesterday,” I started.
“What do you mean?”
“About all the… rumors.”
Her dark skin paled a shade lighter. She swallowed and tucked a strand of loose hair behind her ear. “Oh, that,” she said nervously. “Um… I thought we did.”
I crossed my arms. “No, remember? Your mom kept texting you. It was really urgent.”
“Right. Heh.”
“So. I was asking you about what you heard about me.”
She squirmed. “Um… well… you know. That you’re a foster kid. And you’re with the Field brothers. Apparently they’re big shots here.”
“Alright, that’s it.” I faced her fully, my eyes hardening. “I don’t want to hear any more lies. I want the truth, Mildred. I’ll keep asking everyone until someone with the guts to tell me says it. You heard stuff about me. And I know it’s not all, ‘Ooh, she’s a foster kid’. Like… who cares? There’s something else.”
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She swallowed. “Diana, I… it’s…” She looked down at her lap. “It’s something pretty big, okay? It’s not something I can easily tell you.”
Just like Harry. She echoed him word for word.
“I just don’t feel like I can blurt this out to you. We just met three days ago. We’re practically strangers. This is something deep, and I don’t like talking about things that don’t concern me.” She glanced at the boys. “They should tell you. It’s their responsibility.”
I glanced at them. Both were silent, not interacting with anyone. “Their responsibility?”
“That’s right. I don’t know if people are just exaggerating the rumors, or if it’s really this… weird. That’s the thing, I don’t even know if all of it is true-”
“But what is it?”
She shook her head. “I’m sorry, Diana. I want to tell you, I do. But I’m only scratching the surface. They have to tell you. They’re the only ones that know the real story. It’s their story.” She got on her phone. “I think the reason no one tells you anything is either because they’re scared of you, or because they assume you know already. Like me, I thought you knew. It’s something people would… logically think. It’s unbelievable that they don’t even give you a hint.”
My frustration grew as she spoke. “Well, can you give me a hint?”
The bus suddenly jerked forward. Our hands shot out and blocked us from slamming into the seats in front of us. The bus driver started cursing and gesturing as he yelled at someone in front of the bus. “What is wrong with you?!”
I stood to see what the commotion was, my head in full view. The bus started up again.
“Look out!”
Mildred’s warning instantly activated my reflexes. I ducked, an orange flying over my head and hitting someone else.
“Ow! What was that for?!” a boy yelled, rubbing his head.
I looked over at the students in the back, who snickered. I huffed and sat back down, keeping my head out of aim.
“Do you know yet?” a girl called.
“Shut up, Jamie,” I heard Tommy say.
“Well, does she know?” a boy asked.
“Just shut up.”
“Do you, Pensky?”
Pensky?
“You know the whole scandal with you and-”
There was a thump, followed by exclamations. “Shut up!”
I peeked behind us. Tommy was standing, his arms tense, while Harry restrained him. One of the boys was on the floor. “Tommy, enough!”
“What’s going on back there?” the driver said.
“Nothing!” Harry said.
“Then quiet down.”
He coaxed Tommy back into his seat, calming him. I watched them with blank eyes, studying their expressions. Tommy’s face was flushed with anger and panic while Harry looked… conflicted?
I sighed and gave Mildred a glance. “You know what? Just don’t tell me. I don’t care anymore.”
“Diana, I want to tell you, but I don’t know if-”
“Yeah, I know,” I snapped. “Just forget it, okay?”
~~~
Kyle
My head was pounding. I wanted to block out the conversation, pretend it wasn’t happening, but I couldn’t help but listen. It was painful seeing Tommy pacing back and forth, pathetically apologizing over and over again.
“I swear, babe. It was just a prank. I swear.”
A pause.
“I’m not! I’m not, babe. Okay?”
I wearily glanced at my other brothers, who gave me the same look back.
“I love you, too.” Tommy then sighed. “I love you, Shirl-bear.”
“Oh, God.” I rolled my eyes while Jack and Harry snickered.
“Okay. Bye.” He hung up with a large sigh.
“Tom, she may be toxic, but you shouldn’t have lied to her,” I said.
“She’s too crazy. I can’t tell her the truth.” He crashed onto the sofa.
“You know… this was the perfect way to break it off. For a moment, you were free,” Harry pointed out.
“Are you crazy?” Tommy frowned. “I’ll be the ‘ex’ for her. She’ll go around telling everyone how ‘horrible’ I was and how I cheated on her. People are saying enough about me. I don’t need more.”
“She’s the reason you started looking at that stuff in the first place!”
“Could we drop the subject?”
Jack scoffed. “Yeah. Avoid talking about it, like you always do.”
“Alright, that’s enough.” I got off my phone, having ended my conversation with Nicole. “You guys want to play PS5 or something? Did you do all your homework?”
“I have some, but it’s due Friday,” said Harry.
“Today’s Thursday.” Jack looked at him derisively.
“Yeah. I have 24 hours.”
“No, you don’t.”
He groaned. “Come on, I need to unwind right now.”
Tommy’s phone rang again, the familiar ringtone instantly irritating us.
“Oh, come on, don’t answer!” I said.
“Just give me a minute.” He took the call.
“Or ten hours.”
He glared at me. “Yeah, babe?” A pause. “Uh… no, no. We haven’t.” A few seconds. “Honey, I told you, it’s not easy. We can’t just tell her.”
I looked up at him, narrowing my eyes. He paced around the den, tensing up. “Shirley, please, I explained this to you. This is something too personal.”
“What is she saying?” Jack asked. Tommy motioned for him to be quiet.
As Shirley spoke, the color drained from his face. “What? No. Don’t-” He shook his head. “Shirley, no. You can’t… no! No! I said no!”
“What is it?” I demanded.
“This isn’t your right.” Creases formed around his eyebrows, his eyes shifting left and right. His pacing grew faster. “Because it’s not! Please, Shirley… please! Don’t do this!”
I stood. “Let me talk to her.” I held out my hand.
He waved me away. “Shirley, we’ll tell her. Okay? We will.” He motioned for me to stop as I tried to grab the phone. “We’ll tell her! I promise.”
“It’s none of her business,” said Jack.
“It kind of is,” said Harry.
“How? Just because she’s Tom’s girlfriend doesn’t mean she has the right to-”
“Oh, I thought you meant Diana.”
“Okay, babe. Yeah, we’ll tell her,” Tommy continued.
“Stop telling her that!” Jack said with exasperation. “We’re not saying anything.”
“We have to.”
“Shut up, Harry.”
“Don’t tell me to shut up!”
“Hey.” I looked at them sternly.
“Love you. Bye.” Tommy hung up once again.
“Why didn’t you let me talk to her?” I asked.
“You’d only make it worse.” He sat back down on the sofa.
“What exactly did she say?” asked Harry.
“She said she was going to tell Diana everything if we didn’t.”
“Who does she think she is?!” Jack stood, outraged. “It’s not like you’re married or anything!”
“Exactly.” Harry nodded.
“And you went ahead and told her ‘oh, no, we’ll tell her, babe, I’m sorry’.” I gave him a derisive look. “Like, really, Tommy? Do you have to bow to her feet every time she-”
“I’m not bowing to her feet! Okay? I was just calming her down. She’s going through a lot right now. She doesn’t need this stress.”
“Stress? This has nothing to do with her!” Harry chuckled in disbelief.
“She’s my girlfriend, and she cares about me.”
“No, she doesn’t,” I said.
“Could you get off my case?” He stood again, pacing.
“None of this would’ve happened if you guys let me tell her in the first place.” Harry glared at him.
I glared back. “We’re not telling her anything.”
“Why not?!”
“She’s just here six months. After she leaves, we won’t have to worry.”
“Can you imagine what she’ll do when someone at school tells her? It’s a miracle no one’s told her already! Only reason they don’t is because they’re scared of her!”
I knew he was right. Sooner or later, someone would crack. It was just a matter of time before everyone realized she didn’t know, and someone would have the guts to approach the ‘ghost girl’ and tell her about Amy.
Right now, it was all a game. People sadistically made fun of Diana at her school without telling her why. As gossip worked. Everything was behind her back. Everyone was entertained by how she reacted, waiting to see what she’d do.
Harry told me most people assumed she knew. Some knew she didn’t. They liked to play with their minds and see if they’d crack or not. A sick game.
And while it wasn’t as bad at my school, people were talking about it in Greenfield, too. My old friends, other people that went to high school with us, their siblings that still went to Summit. It hung over us like a cloud, reminding us of what we did. What we were doing.
I knew it was wrong. I knew we had to tell her before someone else did. But I… couldn’t.
My brothers were going at it, their voices raising to high volumes that bombarded my eardrums. “You’re going to keep your mouth shut! If you know what’s good for you-”
“What’d good for me? Fine. Go ahead! Hit me! Beat me to death! GO AHEAD! I’M TELLING HER ANYWAY!”
I stood and got between them. Mom and Dad were still working in their room, but they’d for sure hear all this if it got any messier.
And to think they’d gotten better before everything happened. Now it was like it all went back to normal… before our relationship with Amy improved. And now it was even worse.
“Jack, go to our room,” I said.
“What?”
“Go to our room.”
“What for?”
“I just want to talk to them.”
“Why can’t I stay?” he demanded.
“Because you’ll just butt in. Go.”
“You’re not my father, Kyle. You don’t get to throw me out-” He stopped, looking at the door, which was ajar. We all looked over. There was no one there.
I narrowed my eyes and approached the doorway. I reached behind it and found an arm.
“What are you doing?” I pulled Diana into our sight. She snatched her arm away, shoving me. I crossed my arms, giving her the stare-down. She only glared back up at me.
“Didn’t anyone tell you to not stick your nose into other people’s private conversations?” said Tommy.
She slipped past me. “Actually, no. Not that this was private, anyway. The whole neighborhood can hear you with the way you’re screaming.”
She had a point.
“So…” She crossed her arms with a smile. “Shirley’s willing to tell me what’s going on, huh?”
Everyone froze.
“Well, isn’t that nice of her? Maybe I misjudged her.”
“She’s bluffing,” said Tommy.
“Maybe. I should just go up and ask her. She goes to our school, right? Or I could just ask literally anybody else. Someone will explain what’s going on.”
We remained silent. My eyes snapped to Harry, who was sitting on the sofa with his head in his hands. It was like he was about to burst, desperately holding the words in him.
All of us wanted to tell her. I wanted to tell her.
“Well…” She sighed. “What a tangled web we weave.”
“Let’s just go.” Jack bolted out of the room, followed by Harry, who practically ran out.
I turned to leave, but was stopped by Diana grabbing my wrist. Her grip wasn’t strong, but I couldn’t pull away. Her eyes were sharp as knives, boring into mine.
Sea green. Just like mine. Just like hers.
Cutting through the harshness was a spark of desperation. She inhaled through her nose, her grip tightening. “Are you serious?” Her voice cracked. “Are you serious?!” She dropped my wrist, raking her hands through the whitish-blond waves on her head.
They were lighter than hers. Hers were golden.
“Sh…” She took a deep breath. “Don’t you see? This is the reason you guys treated me like absolute garbage. This is the reason why literally no one wants to talk to me at school. Why they’re constantly staring and whispering about me!”
“Oh, come on, Diana, you have plenty of friends,” Tommy interjected from the sofa. “The first week isn’t even over. You have Mildred, your preschool friend.” He numbered the girls on his fingers. “Then that guy in your Biology class. You’ve got friends. So stop complaining.”
“I’ll stop complaining when you’re honest with me.”
Silence again. My fingers drummed on my bicep and my foot tapped. I wanted to leave, but a magnetic force kept me planted in the doorway.
“Really?” Diana shook her head. “I mean, nothing? You won’t tell me anything?”
“Diana, if your life here is so miserable, then why don’t you just move?” I snapped.
“I don’t have a choice!”
“Why not?” I approached her, letting my anger take over. She backed away, seeming frightened. I didn’t want to scare her so badly, but I needed her to leave. I needed her to stop holding me here.
“If you left, things would be a lot easier for all of us!” I sharply gestured towards Tommy, my hand slamming into the nearby lamp with a sharp sting. As I recoiled, the lamp wobbled off the side table and tipped to the floor.
Oh… Mom was going to kill me.
I held out my hands in a futile attempt to catch it. “No-no-no-” It crashed onto the floor, breaking. I winced at the loud noise.
“What happened?” Harry and Jack showed up at the door.
“I knocked over the lamp. Did Mom hear?”
“I don’t think so,” said Jack.
“Diana!” Harry ran over to her. I turned, not having noticed her sitting on the floor with her hands over her ears. “Diana, are you-”
She threw her hands out, pushing him away. “Don’t… touch me! Don’t touch me! I don’t need… I don’t want you!” She stood, her legs failing her as she collapsed to the floor. Harry tried to help her up, but she refused again, struggling to run away.
We looked at each other, waiting for one of us to go after her. In the end, we all crouched and picked up the mess of ceramic.
~~~
Diana
09.08.23
Dear Diary, I had my first Cooking class today. It was honestly the highlight of my day. It was really fun. The teacher’s a bit strict, though. Kind of scary. But I didn’t run into any problems with her. She scared everyone so bad that they didn’t dare stare at me or whisper during class.
On the other hand, I got humiliated in Spanish class today. A couple girls came up to me and tricked me into saying a swear word. I know I swear pretty regularly, but this particular swear was apparently really offensive and my teacher almost sent me to detention. The girls weren’t even in my class. The embarrassment was horrible enough to give me an anxiety attack. It wasn’t too bad, but still. At least it’s Friday.
I’m also eating alone at lunch now. I’m eating in the study room. It’s quiet, there aren’t many people around, and it’s just better being alone. I feel bad for Thelma and Kate, but it’s honestly better for them. I just need time to think.
~~~
09.10.23
Dear Diary, this weekend wound up being worse than school. I haven’t stopped fighting with the boys. Every day, we’re yelling and screaming about something. Yesterday, I spilled juice on Harry and he said I did it on purpose (I didn’t). Today, Tommy and Jack were basically bullying him and I stepped in. How does this idiot thank me? He blames me! It got to the point where I got physical and started hitting him, and Kyle had to pull me out of the room. Then he gives me a lecture because Davis isn’t around.
And their parents really don’t do anything. They’re always holed up in their room working. I can see why the boys hardly talk to them at dinner.
~~~
09.13.23
Dear Diary, I almost got Harry to spill during dinner today. I was so close. But Kyle caught on and he butt in. I really hate him right now. I’ve always hated him and the others, but I hate him more today.
Honestly, he’s the meanest out of the four. He hardly gets as angry as the other three, but there’s something about his cold and detached way of treatment that just… hits hard.
As hellish as it is living here, it’s my best bet for full meals and clothing. I hadn’t eaten properly in a long time. I’ll have to really fake it when Ms. B—long comes over to review us. Otherwise, it’s all over.