10.31.23
Dear Diary, today is Halloween. Every Halloween is, naturally, the scariest day of the year, what with all the other families doing horrible things to me every year.
But I’m with the Fields now. The boys and I have gotten along better. It should be fine. Still, I won’t trust them fully today.
The Fields don’t celebrate Halloween, but Harry told me they usually would prank each other— kind of like April Fools’. I haven’t pranked the boys, though. Every idea I had seemed too exaggerated or horrible to me. I guess I haven’t had a good influence.
One good thing came out of this; Ms. Howells is coming late today, so she won’t be by until noon. And I’ll be free from her earlier than usual! She should be leaving soon.
Thelma’s coming by tonight so we can go trick-or-treating. I haven’t done it in years, so Susan let me, but I have a curfew. I’m very excited to get some candy!
Sincerely,
Diana.
I put down my pen and took a deep breath. I knew the brothers wouldn’t do anything too horrible, but still…
Susan and Davis did plenty of fun, fall-themed things instead of Halloween. We’d picked and carved pumpkins so she could bake pumpkin pie for us, and put up fall decorations around the house. Small things, but fun things.
Cautiously, I turned my doorknob and peeked out of my room. The hall was empty and the boys’ bedrooms were closed. I tiptoed out, keeping my eyes open for anything suspicious. So far, everything seemed normal.
I went to the bathroom as usual. When I opened the door…
… a large, fake tarantula fell down, hanging in front of me.
I stepped back in surprise, but snickered. This was the prank? Really?
When I turned on the light and looked in the mirror, I saw Jack jump out behind me in a makeshift clown suit. I burst out laughing. His evil smile vanished and he took off his clown wig. “Wha- ugh, this was for Harry, Diana!” He sighed in annoyance.
“Not gonna lie, that’s pretty pathetic,” I said, arching a brow.
“He hates spiders and clowns,” he said. “I know this looks stupid, but trust me, he’s a wimp.”
“That’s a little cruel,” I commented.
“It’s a thing with us. For example, two years ago, Kyle blindfolded me in my sleep, and I woke up thinking I went blind.”
“You’re afraid of going blind?”
He blushed. “No… I’m…” He scratched his head. “I don’t like… the dark.”
My brow raised. “You’re afraid of the dark? That explains your nightlight”. I glanced behind him as Kyle snuck up to him. He put his finger to his lips as he took out what looked like a fake syringe.
Jack noticed my gaze, though, and followed it. He yelped at the sight of the needle and ran away. Kyle laughed. “You are a serious wuss,” he said, going to the bathroom and smacking the fake spider out of the way.
“Hey, wait, I was going in there.” I tried to step inside.
He held me back by the shoulder. “Too slow.” He closed the door.
I scoffed. Rude. I went downstairs instead. While relieving myself, I heard more screams and laughter, feet running across the hall above.
These guys were so weird…
I came out of the bathroom, only to see Jack’s clown face barreling towards me. I flattened myself against the wall, startled, as he ran outside. Harry came after, holding an umbrella as he chased him.
Wait… that was my umbrella.
“Harry!” I ran after them, going out to the backyard.
They ran in circles, Harry holding my umbrella like a hammer. “I’m gonna pound your rainbow wig into your skull!” he shouted. Jack was laughing hysterically as he avoided him.
“Harry, that’s my umbrella! Give it-” My foot slipped. I yelped as I wheeled my arms and fell backwards, awaiting the impact of the floor.
Instead, I felt the impact of the pool water.
I instantly seized up, unable to move as I drifted underwater. I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t swim up. I could only hold my breath and wait.
It took me back 10 years, in the worst way possible. I could hear their laughter, feel their hands around me. Maybe that was why I couldn’t move. They were holding me down.
They were right there with me, pressing my head into that bucket. I waited for them to pull me out, but they didn’t.
I looked down into the never-ending depths. I could see… a person? A girl. A little girl, sinking deeper and deeper. Her sea green eyes stared up at me, pleading, begging for help. I found myself swimming down, reaching out to grab her small hands.
Her hands then gripped my arms and she pulled me close, staring into my eyes. “You should’ve fought harder,” she whispered to me. She then tugged me and kicked me into the depths below, floating above me as she watched me sink.
As my vision darkened, I heard a splash above. Hands gripped my wrists and pulled me up. I was limp, so I didn’t fight back. I couldn’t. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do.
Cold air hit me as I gasped, coughing. My body trembled violently as I crawled onto the floor. A hand patted my back. Instinctively, I jumped away, crawling backwards.
“Diana, it’s okay! It’s me, it’s okay.” My vision focusing, I saw Harry crouched at my eye level, his shirt taken off and his body covered in water. “Can you breathe? Are you okay?” He cautiously approached me.
I looked around, recollecting the backyard. Jack stood a few feet away, also worried. He held his wig and Harry’s shirt. Looking behind me, I saw Susan and Davis running out, Kyle and Tommy following. “What happened?” Susan asked.
“Diana fell into the pool,” said Jack.
“Are you okay, sweetheart?” She crouched and took my hands, which still trembled. She gently pulled me to my feet, though my jelly-like legs made it hard to stand.
“Diana.” Davis cupped my face, focusing me. “Are you okay?” he asked clearly.
I swallowed and nodded. “I, uh… I need to… change.” I shivered at the cold Fall air.
“Do you need anything?”
“No, I just need… new clothes.” I walked inside. Remembering Harry, I looked back at him. “Th-thank you, Harry. Thank you.”
He nodded, but he didn’t look convinced that I was okay. I wasn’t. But I didn’t know what else to do.
“Wait.” Harry went and picked up my umbrella from the floor. “I’ll go upstairs, too. I need to change.” He grabbed his shirt from Jack. I nodded and continued walking. It was almost like nothing around me was real. It was weird.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” he asked me.
“I don’t know. I never know.”
He took my arm and led me upstairs. I blankly took my umbrella when he gave it to me. “I’m sorry, Diana,” he started, still standing at his door.
“It’s not your fault, it was an accident.” I smiled at him to reassure him and closed the door. I’d be okay soon. I just had to focus on something else…
The trick-or-treating. Yeah. That would be fun. That was something positive and good.
~~~
“Three for Spider-Man, three for Mr. Cupcake, three for Barbie, and three for Carrie. Happy Halloween!” The candies all dropped into each person’s bags with a rustle.
“What do you say?” Thelma said to the two kids she was watching.
“Thank you!” they both said, beaming at the homeowner with smiles.
“You’re welcome.” The woman smiled back. “Have a good night!” She closed the door as we left her porch.
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“Did I already tell you that I love your costume?” Thelma told me as we walked back onto the crowded street. She tipped back her cowgirl hat.
“Yes, like a thousand times,” I chuckled.
When I attended Summit, I had many names. But one of them fit today’s theme quite well, and gave me a good costume idea than this morning’s.
After school, Susan took me to a costume store nearby. I bought a simple, light pink dress, a toy princess tiara, and red paint to pour over me. It was uncomfortable and sticky at first, but it eventually dried and became part of the costume. Susan even helped put on smudged mascara to make it look like I’d been crying.
We went up to the next house, our candy bags growing full. We would go to about four more houses before heading home in time for my curfew. The house was a small, green one, looking sort of decrepit. It seemed… haunted. The homeowners probably went out of their way to make their house look spooky.
Thelma knocked on the wooden door, the paint peeling off. “Trick or treat!” we all said.
The door opened a few seconds later. When I saw the homeowner, I really started feeling the Halloween spirit.
Oh, my God…
There was no way. No way. I had to be dreaming. No. No way. This couldn’t be happening.
His face was burned into my memory. This was definitely him. He was supposed to be in jail. How was he here? How did he end up so close to me?
We were standing here, face to face, 12 years later. My past came back to haunt me.
He scratched his potbelly, which somehow got even bigger. He wore a tattered wifebeater and his beard had grown. He forced a smile and sifted through a bowl of cheap candy, giving each of us two pieces.
Not wanting to be obvious, I held out my hand for my share, keeping my gaze down. I couldn’t risk him recognizing me. I put the candy in my pocket instead of my bag.
“Happy Halloween.” He smiled at us.
“Thank you!” the kids said along with Thelma.
Before he closed the door, he hesitated and looked at me. My stomach jumped and I kept looking at my shoes.
“Hey, you… Carrie.”
I stopped. Slowly, I turned around, glancing up at him.
He tilted his head, his eyes narrowing. “Have we met before?”
No way does he recognize me. No way. “N-no, sir, I don’t think so,” I said, feeling myself shaking.
“You sure? I feel like I know you.”
“No.”
He stared at me for what seemed like forever. It was like my nightmare was coming true. Maybe it was.
Thelma glanced between us, sensing the situation. “Happy Halloween, sir.” She led the kids away. He slowly closed the door, his eyes never leaving me.
I ran down the steps and speed-walked down the sidewalk. Thelma followed as fast as she could, coaxing the kids to hurry. When we were far enough, I finally started breathing.
“Diana?” She came up to me. “What happened? Are you okay?”
“He’s… h-he… Did they…?” I ran my hands through my painted hair.
“What? Who?”
“Him! My uncle!”
“Your uncle?”
“This can’t be… no way. And he recognized me? After 12 years?” I struggled to breathe, my vision spinning.
“Okay, Diana, calm down.” Thelma took me by the shoulders, glancing at the children, who were wide-eyed with curiosity. “Do you want to… call the cops or something?”
“No, no. They’ll… it’ll… there’s no…”
“Breathe, Di. Just breathe.” Thelma took deep breaths along with me, rubbing my arms.
“I don’t want him to take me back. I don’t want them to put me back.” Tears filled my eyes.
“You’re sure it’s him?”
I nodded fiercely.
“Okay. I’m sure it’s just a coincidence. He probably won’t go looking for you or anything. If he does, you’re protected now. You’ll be okay,” she said, but her words did little to comfort me.
The system was going to return me to them. I could feel it. Bredlong would come over, say I was being ‘reunified’, and I’d never see the Fields again.
“Do you want to keep going, or…?”
I swallowed. “I think… I think I should go home. I’m too creeped out. I’m sorry, Thelma.”
She shook her head. “It’s okay,” she said. “I understand. I’ll take you home. Thank you so much for coming.” She hugged me tightly.
I only had two years left! Two years and I’d be free.
This was too scary, even for today.
~~~
The boys were in the living room, finishing a movie. They sung along to the end credits song together, loudly belting it at the top of their lungs.
“I JUST DON’T GET IT! WHY DO YOU WANT TO STAY…”
I closed the door and snuck to the stairs, hoping the movie would distract them.
“Hey, Diana. How was trick-or-treating?” The song paused.
I stopped with a wince and looked back. To my surprise, their girlfriends were over; Nicole, Amelia, Shirley, and Mildred.
Ugh. Shirley. She looked as miserable as ever.
“It was okay.”
“Nice costume!” Amelia said.
“Thanks.” I smiled tightly.
“Yeah, it suits you,” Shirley remarked, sucking on a lollipop. Tommy nudged her.
Harry noticed my expression and frowned. “You okay?” He stood, approaching me. “Are you still thinking about this morning?”
“No, I’m fine. I’m just tired.” I smiled at him. “I never really thanked you for this morning, Harry. Seriously, thank you.”
“It’s not a big deal.” He kissed my forehead, surprising me a bit. He cared about me. They all did… except Shirley. Even Kyle and Jack were warming up to me. There was hope if I stayed here.
“What happened this morning?” Shirley asked.
“She fell in the pool by accident,” Tommy answered.
“Oh. Then why is she thanking Harry?”
“He pulled her out.”
“Okay?” She looked around with question.
“She can’t swim,” Harry clarified.
“Oh. So you’re the big hero, huh?” she said sarcastically.
Nicole smiled at me, dissolving the tension. “You want to rewatch the movie with us?” she asked. “It just came out. You can sit next to me.” She patted the seat next to her.
“We have to watch that ‘trash’ again?” Shirley whined.
“Thanks, Nicole. But… I’m going to take a nap, actually,” I said. “Have fun.” I hurried upstairs to my room. I heard them restart the song and their singing, the girls joining.
I yelled out when I opened my door, not expecting Ms. Howells at my desk. “Welcome back,” she said.
“What are you doing here?” I said, clutching my chest in fright.
“In case anything happened during your… outing, I wanted to make sure everything was fine.”
“Well, everything is fine, okay? You can… go home now.” I went to my closet and grabbed my PJ’s off the shelf.
“How long were you out?”
“I dunno. 2 hours?”
“That’s a long time for trick-or-treating.”
I sighed, vexed. “Well, that’s how long it took. They were all little kids. Hard to control.” I turned to her. “Could you let me change?”
“You know the drill.”
“Ms. Howells, I’m fine, okay? This is red paint, just so you know.” I pointed at my getup.
She rolled her eyes. “I’m just doing my job.”
“It’s just a few minutes!”
“Don’t you need to wash all that off before you get dressed?” she pointed out.
I huffed and took my PJ’s, heading to the bathroom. Ms. Howells followed me and stood outside. As I took off my dress, I quickly texted Mr. Brian. Mr. Brian, why did I see my uncle today?!
Thankfully, he texted back after I’d undressed. Your uncle?
I was trick-or-treating with Thelma, and he was at one of the houses!
The typing indicator flashed for a few moments. Are you sure it was him?
POSITIVE.
Okay, I’ll look into it. He probably got paroled.
But I’m not going back with him, right? Either of them?
No, unless they go to court and fight for custody, he said. And even then, it would be very difficult. I’ll look into it, okay?
I sighed, feeling a bit more relaxed. Okay. Thank you, Mr. Brian.
I turned on the shower and got in, letting the water pour over my hair and wash off the paint. I leaned on the wall with a sigh, avoiding the water pouring over my face. I wasn’t leaving. At least, not for now.
After my shower, I changed into my PJ’s and let my hair air-dry. In my room, Ms. Howells was still sitting there, scrolling on her phone. I slumped on my bed with a tired sigh.
“Anything wrong?”
“I’m just tired.”
Someone knocked on my door, giving me a jump. I sat up abruptly, causing dizziness. Nicole stood at the doorway, glancing at Ms. Howells. “Hey, Diana… sorry, I wanted to check on you.”
“Uh… I’m okay. Why?”
“Just checking. Can I… come in?”
I made sure my sleeves were rolled down. The bandages were off, but the scars were visible. “Yeah, sure.”
She approached with a smile. “So, you went trick-or-treating today.”
“Yeah.”
“How’d that go?”
I shrugged. “Okay.”
She sat on my bed. “I like your room.”
“Thanks… it’s not really mine, but.”
“Amy always had it messy,” she chuckled. “She would have her clothes all over the place.”
“Really?” I smiled genuinely.
“She was the messiest person I ever met. Worse than her brothers.”
“There’s no way.”
“She said it helped her think. Whenever she drew or something.” Nicole laughed. “I don’t know how she did it… this is the first time I’ve seen it clean and neat.” She paused, glancing at the hawk again. “Have they… told you much about her?” She jerked her head at the doorway.
“Not… really.” In fact, they almost never talked about her. Even Tommy and Harry were pretty reserved when it came to her… although, considering the circumstance, I could see why. They were nice to me, but that didn’t mean they trusted me completely.
“Have you asked?”
“No…” I never felt the need to. I figured their sister was their business.
But I was curious. Amy was obviously very loved. Harry mentioned she loved purple. She wanted to be an artist. But… that was all I really knew.
“I just thought… the guys seem more comfortable around you now,” Nicole continued. “Maybe you can ask them. They’re still grieving a lot. Talking about her would help.”
“You… really think so?”
“Yeah. What they’re afraid of is forgetting about her. The way I see it, the more they talk about her, the more they’ll remember her. And the more they’ll remember that she was Amy and you’re…” She trailed off.
“I’m me.”
She nodded. “Mm-hmm.” She hastily added, “I mean, I get you’re not that close to Kyle or Jack, so… maybe try it with the other two?”
“Nic! We’re starting the other movie!” Kyle called from downstairs.
“Coming!” She smiled at me and slid off my bed, heading to the door. “I know we really haven’t talked much. You know, school gets in the way. But, if you ever want to hang with me and Amelia, go for a girls’ night or something… you can always call me.” She took out her phone, typing, then showed me her screen. “Here’s my number.”
I took my phone, copying and saving it. “Okay. Thanks, Nicole, really.”
“I’ll see you.” She left.
She was right. We could talk about Amy. I could know about who she was, how their family was… that was a way of connecting. Part of me felt like it was prying, but if they were open to talk about it…
I’d ask Dr. Cawman about it. I could also mention Uncle Pat to her. Now that I saw his face, I’d have to watch my back.
Just the thought of him got me panicking again. I took deep breaths, lying down.
“What is it?”
“Nothing,” I snapped. Anger took over me, abating the attack, and I sat up again. “Will you ever leave me alone?”
Ms. Howells shrugged. “If you loved your privacy so much, you shouldn’t have gone asking for attention.”
My mouth flapped. “What?”
“Janet told me what you’ve done in the past. That’s why I’m cautious with you. Don’t expect everyone to just ‘relax’ when I stop coming over. With your habits, people need to keep an eye on you so you don’t hurt yourself and everyone else.”
“And everyone else?” I stood. “I didn’t ask to come here, okay? I didn’t ask for any of this! I just needed a way out!”
“Your ‘way out’ is the system. If you didn’t have your caseworkers, you would be out on the street, homeless, without anything to survive. Do you want that instead?”
“I just want a normal life where I can be in my room, alone, without people asking me what I’m doing every second!”
She shrugged, nonchalant. “Then be smarter next time.”
After a couple of swears, I shouted, “I’D RATHER GO BACK TO SCHOOL THAN LIVE WITH YOU AROUND!”
She raised her brows. “Oh? You mean that?”
“Yeah! I actually have friends there that care about me! If I have to live with those jerks putting ‘stuff’ in my locker and calling me ‘stuff’, then fine! As long as I don’t have you in here!”
She stood. “If you’re serious, then tell your host family. It’s up to them. And if you’ve ‘improved’ as much as your therapist says, it shouldn’t be a problem.”
“FINE!”
Kyle and Jack ran up to us, having rushed up the stairs. “What’s going on here?” Kyle asked.
“I’m going back to ‘freaking’ school, okay? I don’t care anymore. I just want to be away from her!” I stormed back to the bathroom, slamming the door. My adrenaline was still too high, so high that I hadn’t fully realized what I said.