Susan had made us all meatloaf for dinner. The boys were surprisingly nice to me tonight. Kyle had been less cold since Ms. Bredlong came, and Jack had become sort of neutral, but they actually talked to me tonight, even smiling every now and then.
After dinner, the older boys and their parents left us alone. We went out to the backyard, where all the lights were on and the pool had the cover over the water. Thelma had brought a Bluetooth speaker so we could play some songs and dance together, like at a normal dance party.
I could’ve done without Ms. Howells standing there glaring at us the whole time, but I did my best to ignore her.
It was such a perfect night. A beautiful, clear, starry sky… a light, playful breeze… cool air. Fireflies accompanied us in our dance under the stars, flashing their golden light for us.
For a while, we just waved our arms and bounced to many party songs from our childhood, singing along. Many of us were… not great singers, but the tone-deaf harmony made it all the more hilarious. We took what felt like hundreds of selfies and videos.
“I throw my hands up in the air sometimes, saying, ‘Ayo, gotta let go’… I wanna celebrate and live my life, saying, ‘Ayo, baby, let’s go’…” We clapped when the song ended later.
“Okay, another selfie. Everyone get over here!” Mildred waved at everyone to approach. We all forced our cheeks into a smile as she stretched her arm out as far as possible to fit us all in.
A familiar tune came on the speaker and Thelma whooped. “I LOVE THIS SONG!” she said for all of us.
Tony took my hands, pulling me into another dance. We all crowded together to sing along. “Makin’ my way downtown, walkin’ fast…” I spun around, letting out a giggle. “And I need you, and I miss you, and now I wonder…”
Tommy left us a few minutes into the song, his feet literally killing him, but the rest of us stayed for a long while, well after midnight. I hadn’t stayed up this late in… not that long, but long enough to not be used to it anymore. Ms. Howells was now seated, looking exhausted.
I was obviously fine, so why couldn’t she just… leave?
We got to a slower song. Most of the girls were exhausted, going to rest. Mildred and Harry were somehow still standing, along with me and Tony. Harry looked at Mildred with shyness, blushing hard. “You want to dance this one?” he asked.
“Yeah, sure, why not?” She happily put her hands on his shoulders. I bit my lip, resisting laughter. Harry was making his crush quite obvious. I wondered if Mildred felt the same.
“Oh, they say people come,
Say people go,
This particular diamond was extra special…”
The song was beautiful, accompanied by smiles and playful twirls.
“And though you might be gone,
And the world may not know,
Still, I see you, celestial…”
I stole a glance at Harry and Mildred. While Harry looked practically enamored, Mildred was treating the dance like a game, even dipping him and giggling.
After the song ended, Mildred and Harry rested, leaving me and Tony alone. He looked at me. “You want to dance this one?”
“I found a love… for me…”
Suddenly, I couldn’t look in his eyes. I nodded hastily, lowering my gaze to his feet. My cheeks heated as he took my hand and put his other hand on my waist.
“Darling, just dive right in… and follow my lead,
Well, I found a girl, beautiful and sweet…”
I could feel everyone’s eyes on me, particularly the brothers’, as we circled. I caught Thelma recording us, bringing me more anxiety.
“I never knew there was a someone waiting for me,
‘Cause we were just kids when we fell in love,
Not knowing what it was…”
Tony gently twirled me around so I was facing away. He pulled me close, whispering the lyrics under his breath. Goosebumps erupted as his breath caressed my neck.
“Darling, just kiss me slow…”
I was scared… but it wasn’t the same kind of scared. I didn’t feel like I was running for my life. I didn’t feel the same way I did when someone raised their hand to slap me. There was no anticipation.
What was this? It was so confusing. It wasn’t what I felt with Marco… no, this was… more relaxing? Comforting? It felt… true.
That was what scared me the most.
I could feel my body tensing, tempted to pull away, but I couldn’t. He looked so happy dancing with me, and I admitted, I felt amazing dancing with him. The more amazing I felt, the more scared I felt. It was so contradictory. An internal paradox.
“Baby, I’m… dancing in the dark…”
I soon forgot about the eyes and cameras on us. The backyard dissipated into nothingness. It was just me and him, circling slowly, his arms around me. Our feet moved in sync, our hearts beat faster, and our eyes remained connected. It was like a whole other world.
“Barefoot on the grass…
Listening to our favorite song…”
There was hope. I didn’t have to leave… not yet. They were worth the chance. Once I moved out, I wasn’t sure what I’d do, but this house was worth the risk. It was worth enduring life, at least a bit longer.
“I have faith in what I see,
Now I know I have met an angel in person…”
The end of the song came sooner than I expected. Tony’s face was just inches from mine, our lips parallel to each other as we circled.
“I don’t deserve this,
You look perfect tonight.”
The claps and whoops from our friends pulled us back to reality. My heart kickstarted. Once I realized how close we were, I quickly pulled away. Momentarily, the panic set in, all the memories with Marco flooding into my brain. The way I saw him just a few days ago… so real and so… Tony wasn’t like that, was he? He wouldn’t have planned all of this for one kiss, right? No way.
This was… this was okay. I was happy. He wasn’t trying anything. I was sure…
An awkward atmosphere settled as I came to, everyone staring at me. Tony was red, standing frozen. Ms. Howells stood in alert. I paled, then heated up. “I-I… I’m sorry, I…”
“I think that’s enough for tonight.” Ms. Howells approached. “Thank you for your gesture, but it’s time you go back to your homes.”
“Wait, why?” said Tommy.
“She’s obviously distressed.”
“N-no… I’m fine. It was just… I’m fine.” I swallowed.
You could be reading stolen content. Head to the original site for the genuine story.
“Miss, she’s happy, I mean-” Mildred started.
“Does she look happy?”
“I’m fine, okay? I said I’m fine,” I insisted.
“I’ll be the judge of that. It’s 2 in the morning. You should be going to bed, anyway. You missed your meds.”
The mention of my medications sent me into an embarrassed freeze. I glanced between my friends and my liaison. “Y-you can’t just stop us like that!”
“I’m only doing what’s best for you. Sleep deprivation isn’t good for someone in your condition.”
“Condition? It’s one night! And I’ve gone for weeks without sleep in the past, and I’m fine!”
Ms. Howells scoffed. “You’re fine? If you were ‘fine’, I wouldn’t be here!”
“Then just go away! You hate your job, obviously.”
Inside, the older two brothers came into the kitchen, hearing the argument. “What’s wrong?” Kyle asked.
“Diana…” Thelma approached, calming me down. “It’s okay. She’s right. Um… we should be getting home. It’s late, and… my mom’s probably gonna kill me. I’m an hour over curfew.” She smiled unconvincingly.
“I’ll call a Rideshare for you.” Ms. Howells brought out her phone.
“Um… it’s fine,” Tony said. “I have a car. I’ll take everyone home.” He looked absolutely crestfallen as he went inside.
Ms. Howells glanced at him distrustfully and headed inside the house. I followed her, outraged. “It’s not even a school night! Why are you-”
She whirled around. “Listen to me, you little brat. I’m trying to protect you! Don’t you get it?! I saw the way you looked there! If you’re getting a panic attack, then you need time away! Got it?!”
I stared at her. There was a dead silence in the room.
“Yeah, yell at someone who’s having a panic attack. Real smart,” Mildred said.
“Excuse me?” Ms. Howells glared at her.
“The girl’s having a panic attack, and you’re yelling at her? I’m sorry, ma’am, but that’s not how you do it.”
“She’s not having a panic attack. She had one. She’s used to yelling. That won’t do anything.”
The argument continued, but I zoned out, my ears deafening themselves. She’d just ruined… everything. I ruined… everything. Just like I always did. I looked back at my friends… my first real friends in forever. All they did for me…
I ran upstairs, ignoring everyone calling my name. I always ruined everything. I always made everything worse. I was such a… pest.
~~~
“I was having such an amazing time. I haven’t felt that happy in… forever. Then I overreacted, and she came in, and… everything just went down. Ruined.” I was lying on my bed while Dr. Cawman sat in my desk chair.
“I wouldn’t say ruined. You did make a lot of happy memories,” she said.
“Yeah, but she messed it all up.”
“Diana, don’t let that taint the other memories. Did you talk to your friends the next day?”
“I was too embarrassed.” I rubbed my eyes.
“Diana, if your friends are as kind as they are, they understand. That wasn’t your fault,” she reassured me.
“We were just dancing, and… and then I got all nervous. Like I always do. The coward I am, getting scared for everything.”
“You’re not a coward.”
“So what am I?”
“You are a completely normal girl who’s been through a lot. It’s your fear of intimacy. And considering what you’ve experienced, it’s only logical. You were actually pretty brave, dancing a slow song with a boy you like.”
“I just wish I hadn’t… you should’ve seen his face.” I recalled the pallid complexion, his chocolate brown eyes wide with disappointment and a bit of fear. The humiliation he must’ve felt…
“Well, talk to him, Diana. Communication is key in this situation. I know you struggle when it comes to social situations like these, but this is something you need to face if you want to keep your friendship with this boy.”
“What do I even say to him?”
“Tell him you had a great night, that you enjoyed your time with him and your other friends, and that you appreciate he did all this for you. Tell the others that, too. The tension will release when you reassure them you’re okay.”
I stared at my phone on my side table, next to my pills. It had been eerily silent all day yesterday and today. The last text I got was from Thelma, who apologized about what happened before she went to bed.
“They’re just waiting for your word. They probably don’t know what to say, either,” Dr. Cawman prodded. “They know you’re being monitored, so maybe they don’t want to get you in trouble.”
I sat up and took my phone, staring at the screen. The lock screen was a plain old landscape and the home screen was a photo of me… not the most appropriate one. I wasn’t dressed weirdly or anything, but I made a gesture that Susan and Davis would disapprove of if they saw it. Not that they would yell at me, but they wouldn’t like it. Their house, their rules.
Maybe it was best to change it. Just out of respect. Despite our history, they were trying to make up for it. They even tried covering for me when Ms. Bredlong came. Not many families were willing to do stuff like that, not if it didn’t benefit them somehow.
I picked one of the dance’s group pictures for my home screen and a picture of just me in my dress for my lock screen. Never thought I’d like a picture of me.
“I should text them all one-by-one, right?” I said.
“Probably best,” Dr. Cawman said.
“Should I voice?”
“Whatever you feel comfortable with.”
“I’ll text.” I hated my voice.
Hi, Thelma, I just wanted to thank you again for Saturday and apologize for the way it all went down. I feel bad for not texting you sooner…
Hi, Mildred, I’m sorry I haven’t texted you since Saturday. But thank you so, so much for what you did. I haven’t felt that happy in a long while…
Hi, Kate, just wanted to thank you for Saturday. It was such a sweet gesture…
Hi, Blanche, I wanted to thank you for coming on Saturday…
Hi, Alma, I’m sorry I haven’t texted until now…
I stared at Tony’s username. My mouth went dry as I slowly tapped on the letters, hoping he wouldn’t see it right away. It said he was active 3 hours ago, so maybe he was busy.
Hi, Tony, I never thanked you for the great time|
Nope, that sounded weird. I quickly erased the message.
Hi, Tony. I’m sorry I never texted you sooner. I wanted to thank you for what you and the others did on Saturday. You guys really made me so happy, and it was something I needed desp|
No, not desperately. That made me sound… well, desperate.
It was something I needed. I haven’t felt that happy in a long time. It was so much fun. Thank you for taking the time and effort to do something so special for me. I know I probably seemed like an ingrate, leaving you hanging all weekend. I’m sorry.
“Um… should I apologize?” I asked Dr. Cawman.
“For what?”
“You know, getting all weird when we were dancing.”
She smiled tenderly. “Diana, you don’t have to be sorry. And if Tony’s your friend, he’ll understand. Just tell him how grateful you are and that you hope to get together with him again.”
“I don’t want to sound like I’m asking him out…”
“Then with him and the other girls.”
“But I don’t want to friendzone him. That’ll hurt him worse.”
Dr. Cawman laughed. “Then just say you’d like to do something similar again.”
I nodded, taking a deep breath and resuming my text. I would love to do this again someday. We need a better ending (nervous laughing emoji). Ms. Howells should stop coming soon enough, so then I’ll be free. Thank you again. I hope you’re having a good Monday! (smiley)
I handed the phone to Dr. Cawman. “How’s this?”
She read through my text, reading under her breath. She nodded approvingly. “I think you’ve got it.”
I took the phone back. With a deep breath and a gulp, I sent it. I quickly got out of the chat before he could text me back. In the chat list, I saw Thelma’s highlighted with @ihavetoomanyAPs is typing…
I went into her chat just as she finished. hey Diana! u dont have to be sorry girlie, its all good. im happy u had a great time! all of us did!
The next message was a voice message, so I played it. “Actually, I was hoping you were free tomorrow. It’s Halloween. I know your family doesn’t celebrate it— I don’t really ‘celebrate’ it, per se, I just go for the candy. But I was thinking maybe you could ask your foster mom if you could come trick-or-treating with me? I’m babysitting my cousins tomorrow night. Not that I’m asking you to babysit with me, I just thought it would be cool if we could hang out tomorrow. The other girls can’t make it, but you can invite Tony if you want…” Her voice carried a teasing lilt at the end.
I giggled a bit, replying. That sounds fun! I just need to know where to meet you and what time.
She replied with another recording. “I can go by your place and pick you up,” she said. “We can go get your costume on the way, too. I know this is last-minute, so if you don’t want to get a costume, it’s fine. We’re heading out around 5:30. Let me know if you can, okay? Love you, girlie!”
“That sounds fun,” Dr. Cawman said.
“You think it’s a good idea?”
“I think it’s a great idea. You’ll be with your friend, you’ll get a bunch of candy. Just be careful what houses you go to, ‘kay?”
“Let me ask Susan.” She was at work late today, so I texted her.
“You seem a lot happier with your friends around,” Dr. Cawman pointed out.
“Sorta, yeah.”
“Or are you happier having your own space?”
“Bit of both. Although, it’s not really my own space with you-know-who around. I can’t wait until she leaves.”
“Yeah, I’m wondering that myself. I feel like she’s been monitoring you too long. I can talk to your caseworkers if you want. I’ll tell them you’ve improved— you really have.”
“Thanks, Dr. Cawman. It would be a lot better without her. She’s just so… mean,” I sighed.
“I don’t know what went through their minds. Her conduct is… it’s unacceptable, the way she treats you. There’s only so much I can do, though.”
“I know. It’s always been like that. They’re always saying it’s my own fault for being so… whatever.”
“None of this is your fault, Diana.” Dr. Cawman’s alarm then went off. “So, it’s exactly 24 hours before your trick-or-treating with Thelma,” she playfully said, rising from the desk chair.
“Do you have to go?” I looked at her pleadingly.
“I’m sorry, Diana. She’s only here for another hour, though. How about you go downstairs with the boys? They’re playing videogames.”
“Nah, it’s fine. I’ll just do homework.” I went to my desk chair.
Dr. Cawman gave me a tight hug. “Tell me all about it on Wednesday, okay?” She pulled away. “You’re doing great.”
“Thanks, Dr. Cawman.” I sat down in my chair. I looked at the new home screen photo on my phone. Mildred had taken the selfie with my phone. Thelma was hugging me tightly, Kate was making a peace sign, and Blanche and Alma were squeezing in, their cheeks pressed up against each other. Tony was behind me, standing on his toes to be seen, and raising his fists.
I should’ve appreciated them more. At school, I was always so distant. It was a wonder how they grew to care about me instead of just giving up. I kept thinking they would turn on me at any time.
If only I could spend more time with them… I had plenty of opportunities when I used to go to school there.
The door opened, revealing Ms. Howells, who went to sit on the beanbag chair in the corner.
And the angel switched places with the devil.