Diana

Tony and Addie were waiting for me in the arcade. Tony decided that, instead of Winter Formal, we could merely hang out and play games. It was a lot more relaxing and it would keep my stress in check. I felt particularly calm today, despite the trial being in less than two weeks. I decided to let Lonnie rest for today.

It was Leap Day, giving me one extra day to forget about the trial and focus on something nice. I entered the building, passing many arcade games playing music and beeping insistently, as if calling to the passersby to give them a try.

Tony and Addie waited at the snack bar, Tony with a soda and Addie with a chocolate chip cookie. The girl waved enthusiastically, wiping the crumbs from her mouth, and ran to me for a hug.

“Glad you could make it,” said Tony.

“After all this time? I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

“We want to play…” Addie spelled out a game name, but I couldn’t keep up with the letters. “You like driving?”

“Driving?” I signed ‘drive’, furrowing my brows questioningly.

“She wants to play the go-kart game over there.” Tony pointed to said game in the corner.

“Oh… duh.” I laughed. “Yeah, sure. I’ve never really played one before, but it’s worth a shot.”

“We bought ten tokens each.” He handed me a pouch with coins. “So ten games. Unless you’re hungry?”

“I’m good. Let’s play.” I took Addie’s hand, letting her lead me to the go-kart game.

It was a lot harder than it looked. The steering wheel was very sensitive. Addie was quite competitive, laughing and sticking her tongue out at us whenever she set a trap or passed us in the game. I wound up in last place, behind all the NPCs, which was a bit embarrassing.

“Diana…” Tony snickered, pretending to scratch his nose. “No offense, but… you’re supposed to drive forward.”

I gave him a look. “These things are ridiculous!” I pointed at the wheel.

“You were turning it all the way! Like this.” He turned his wheel all the way to the right, imitating me. “You’re supposed to turn it slightly.”

“I did turn it slightly.” I pouted.

“No, you didn’t.” He let himself laugh, triggering Addie to snicker with him.

I glared at them. “Mean.”

We moved on to many other games; air hockey, Space Invaders, pinball, and more. Addie’s competitive spirit was fierce. I wasn’t sure how Tony handled it. She acted cool whenever she lost, but I could tell she did not like it. Tony was the same, to some extent, maybe a bit less intense. Maybe it ran in the family.

The last tokens were used on the elusive claw machine, which ended in a miraculous victory. I won Addie an adorable unicorn Squish Plushie. She was ecstatic, hugging me over and over again. She named it Dee-Dee.

We stopped at the snack bar after all our tokens were used. I ordered some fries and ketchup. Tony snacked on cotton candy with his sister.

“I’m really glad we could finally… you know, spend time with each other,” he said.

“I am, too. I’m so sorry I’ve been so… weird lately.”

“I get it. You have a lot going on.”

Our first awkward pause. I sighed. “Go ahead.”

“What?”

“You can ask.”

He hesitated. “You sure?”

“I feel good today. And with you, I feel like… I feel like I can handle it.”

Addie took notice of our expressions as we gazed at each other. She smiled, swallowing her cotton candy, and made kissing noises. Tony smeared some candy on her nose, causing her to gasp and giggle, cleaning her nose with a napkin.

“So, Kate and Thelma are testifying, too?” he then asked me.

“Yup… I guess on the one hand, I won’t be alone.” Tony interpreted my words for Addie. “I just feel kinda scared that so many people I know are involved in this. Them, my ‘cousins’,” —I made quotes with my fingers— “my… Pat and Kim. People I thought I’d never see again. I thought I’d go the rest of my life without having to… face them. I can’t even think about seeing him without remembering all he did to me. All everyone did to me… I don’t want him to take me back.”

“He can’t take you back,” Tony said.

“What if he does? What if somehow, some way, I screw up… and then he goes free, and he tries to take me away from my family-”

“Hey, you’re doing it again.” He put his hands on my shoulders. Addie put her cotton candy down, then came up to me and hugged me.

“I just don’t want him to mess up my life again.”

Addie tapped on my shoulder, a serious look on her face. “Listen,” she signed slowly, letting me understand her. “I know I don’t have the same experiences as you. But I have people in my life that hurt me. People that, if I saw them again, I’d remember when they’d pull my hearing aid out of my ear, or when they yelled in my ears, or didn’t let me play with them at recess. At my school now, there are mean kids that make fun of me, too.”

My heart broke. I’d never understand how people found joy in hurting others that never did anything wrong. I saw some reason in the way people treated me; I was no angel. But Addie? She was so sweet. Were kids really that shallow?

“I know it’s easy to say it doesn’t bother me. But it does. It hurts. A lot.” Her eyes watered and her lips mouthed her words, her voice quietly whispering alongside her signs. “And if I see them… it will make me mad. But that’s what they want.” Her eyes then hardened. “They want you to still hurt. They want you to be scared of them.” She took my hand, squeezing tight. “You will be scared, and angry, and hurt. But don’t let them know that. Look them in the eye, and tell them you won’t let them hurt you. Not anymore. That man hurt you. He won’t now. You will help put him in jail. You have the last word.”

“I just don’t want to mess it up,” I said quietly, signing.

“You won’t!” she nearly shouted, signing fiercely. “You will tell your story. You will be heard. You will speak, and you will tell them how bad he is. And he will go to jail. For good. Don’t say you will mess it up, because you will, if you don’t believe. I believe in you. Tony believes in you. God believes in you.” She squeezed my hands and said, “You believe, too.”

I couldn’t help crying when she hugged me. I suddenly felt embarrassed about my meltdown. She was right. I couldn’t stay small and pathetic forever. I had to show them they couldn’t hurt me… even if I was lying. I couldn’t give them that satisfaction. I wouldn’t.

“I’m going to the bathroom,” Addie then signed, running off. Tony sat close to me, putting an arm around my shoulders.

“I’m sorry about this,” I said, sniffling.

“You don’t have to be sorry. You shouldn’t apologize so much,” he said.

“I know. You’re right.” I wiped my eyes.

“Diana, know that I’m being 100% serious when I say this.” His brown eyes fixed on mine. I never noticed how rich the color was, like pure dark chocolate. “We’re always gonna be here for you. Anytime you want to text, or call, or vent… you tell me. I want to be there for you.”

I swallowed, my heart quickening. I kind of regretted not bringing Lonnie. “I don’t get how you guys… I’ve ignored you, gone days without talking to you, canceled plans. How do you guys still take time for me?”

“Because I think you’re an amazing person that’s worth that time. You’re a strong girl that’s been through a lot.”

I only hugged him, unable to say anything else. The immense comfort I felt was like no other. I felt like I could do anything if he was around.

I could do this. I could put Pat away for good. He wouldn’t hurt me. Or anyone else.

~~~

I felt stiff in my outfit for today. I wore a long-sleeved black shirt under a gray fitted blazer jacket. A leather belt with a gold hoop in the middle circled my narrow waist, securing smooth black pants. The black ballet flat shoes were uncomfortably tight, pinching my toes together.

I hadn’t dressed up this nice in a while. When I looked in the mirror, seeing my unruly hair tamed into whitish-blond waves, and my face coated with subtle, but noticeable makeup, my lips popping in red, I could hardly believe it was me. To the outside world, I was all put together, ready for a day in court.

But in reality, I wanted to run out of there. I wanted to keep running and never turn back.

I sat with Thelma and Kate, my family talking down the hall. Lonnie obediently sat next to me, keeping his tongue from hanging, as if he knew that this was a courthouse, and everyone should be respectful and orderly. He was as serious as anyone else. There were a couple other witnesses on the State’s side; including Patrick’s neighbor across the street. She’d seen Patrick leave, as well as me in the front yard spying on him.

Detective Poole sat next to me, smiling. “You feeling alright, sweetheart?” he asked kindly, carrying a Southern accent.

“Peachy,” I said.

“Everything will be alright. You just go in there, tell them what you saw. Be honest.”

“I know, I know.” I wiped my hands up and down my pants. “I’m just nervous about that lawyer.” I looked over at the defense team, who talked in front of the courtroom doors.

“Don’t be. That’s what they want. They’re gonna try and scare you, but don’t let them, you hear me? Just tell them the truth.”

“I’m just going to say, ‘I know what I saw’, and move on,” said Thelma. “I know they’re going to be all skeptical about my memory and stuff. I’ll just tell them that the truck is the same, and that’s it. That’s what it is, and they can’t do anything to change it.” We watched the defense team enter the courtroom.

“I’m really n-nervous,” said Kate. “What if th-they think I’m lying because of…?”

“They know you have a stutter. That’s no excuse.”

“Yeah, b-but… they might still…”

“Kate, like I said, you know what you saw and heard. You tell them, and everything will be fine.”

A man came up to us, staring at me in shock. I glanced at the girls, who shrugged, and quirked my brow at the guy. “Hello?”

He chuckled, embarrassed. “S-sorry, I’m sorry, it’s just… I’m not sure if you remember me?”

I squinted, then looked across the hall where the defense witnesses were. Two people around my age sat together, a girl and a boy, watched intensely by the bailiff.

“Patrick? Patrick Jr.?”

“The one and only,” he chuckled.

“Wow.” I stared at his face. I couldn’t really remember how he looked 12 years ago. If only I had Thelma’s memory. He looked a lot more like his mother. “Um… how are you?”

“You can sit here if you like.” Detective Poole scooted over so Patrick Jr. could sit.

He thanked him and did so. “I’m doing… as good as I can do, I guess.” He looked at Lonnie. “Hey, buddy. He yours?”

“Yeah. He’s my service dog, Lonnie.”

He reached out to pet him, then stopped, reading the ‘DO NOT PET’ on his collar. “Oops. He’s cute. I love goldies.” He smiled at my dog.

“I’m sorry for your loss,” I told him.

He shrugged. “It’s okay. I was never really… close with my mom, anyway. Never got to see her after they took us.”

“You’re still in the system?”

“I aged out two years ago.”

“Oh… wow.”

“You haven’t yet?”

“I- um… it’s complicated.” I glanced next to me, blushing in shame. “I’m sorry. Um… Thelma, Kate, this is Patrick Jr. Pat’s son.”

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They nodded and smiled. “How are you?” said Thelma.

“As good as I can be.”

“I’m s-sorry about your mom,” said Kate.

“Thank you.”

“So, you guys are going against my dad.” He smiled. “Nervous?”

“I mean, yeah. Never thought I’d have to do something like this,” said Thelma.

“I s-saw him looking for th-the body,” said Kate. “I called the police.”

Patrick Jr. raised his brows. “Wow. Good on you.”

“Are you nervous?” I asked him.

“I am. But I’m gonna be honest. I don’t know what got into their heads.” He looked over at his younger siblings.

“Have you talked to them?”

“Nope, not yet. I saw them, and I waved, but… they didn’t seem too happy to see me.”

“Why? You guys have any bad blood?”

“I haven’t seen them since we got taken away. Just like you.” He smiled sadly. “I guess they’ve just… changed.”

I hardly remembered Lila and Bernard. Lila was two years older than me and Bernard was a year younger. The 18-year old’s hair was dyed black— I remembered she was a blond— and she had piercings in her nose and ears. She wore black jeans and a black suit jacket that was a little big for her, even though she was a bit chubby.

Bernard was a thin 15-year old, almost as thin as I was a few months ago. He was pale and scrawny. He didn’t look up at all, even when people talked to him. His sister didn’t seem to want to talk to him at all. When we were little, they were very close.

“Who did you live with all this time?” I asked Patrick.

“I was with my grandma— my dad’s mom. She didn’t want Lila or Bernard. She kinda favored me. I always felt pretty guilty about it. She said she couldn’t afford it… which was technically the truth, so they were sent to other families. My grandma thought I was ‘too much’ after a while, so I would go with this other family every time she needed a ‘break’ from me.”

“Wow,” I whispered.

“I wound up staying with that other family, the Pearsons. My grandma died when I was 15. Then I just aged out.”

“Were they nice?”

“They were okay. They didn’t have any other kids. They gave me some money and stuff when I turned 18. I crashed at some friend’s houses, worked at fast-food places. I finally got a little apartment in the city, not much, but it gives me a roof over my head. Job’s boring, but pays the bills, you know?”

I stared at him. He told me everything… so nonchalantly. Even I was more fortunate; I had a family. A biological family. I had a home and friends that loved me. Patrick’s father killed his mother, his siblings didn’t talk to him, and he lived alone in the city. And yet, he still smiled at me and bothered to ask about me.

“You okay, Diana?” he asked.

“Yeah. I’m… just really sorry about… everything.”

“It’s how life is. But we get by, don’t we?”

Susan ran up to me urgently. “They’re starting, sweetheart.” She kissed me on the forehead. “We’ll be inside, okay? Kyle will be out here if you need anything. We love you.” She went inside with Davis and the boys, Kyle staying outside. Other people also rushed in.

“Your foster mom?” Patrick Jr. asked.

“Um… my mom.”

“Oh, you got adopted? Awesome.”

“Well…”

He quirked his brow, curious. I finally told him about my real origins and the baby switch. He seemed quite shocked, his expression remaining the same for a few minutes; brown brows raised, mouth slightly open.

“Wow, Diana, that’s amazing. I’m really happy for you,” he said with a smile. “That’s a miracle you got.”

“Yeah… yeah, it is.”

“It’s good to see one of us turned out alright.”

I wouldn’t call myself ‘alright’, but definitely more fortunate. I wasn’t sure about Lila or Bernard, but if they were defending their father, there was something wrong there.

The wait was agonizing. I could hear people speaking inside, wondering what they were saying. The clock on the wall ticked slowly. How long would it take? I got so anxious that Lonnie nudged me, prompting me to do my breathing exercises.

“You okay?” Thelma took my hand.

“Depends on what you mean by ‘okay’.”

Kyle came up to us. “Are you too anxious?”

“I’ll be fine.”

“It’s just opening statements. It’ll be a while.”

Detective Poole nodded in agreement. “Takes at least an hour most of the time,” he said. “There’s a chance you kids will have to wait until tomorrow. It all depends on them.”

“Tomorrow?” I groaned. “I just want to get this over with.”

“On the bright side, it gives you more time to think,” said Kyle.

“Which brother is this?” Patrick Jr. asked.

“The oldest. Kyle, this is Pat Jr.”

“How you doing?” Kyle shook his hand. “You want me to stay with you, Di?”

“I’ll be okay. Thanks, Kyle.”

The door opened, catching everyone’s attention. “Calling Detective Alex Poole,” a bailiff announced.

“Well, I’ll see you kids on the other side.” Detective Poole stood, straightening his jacket. “Everything will be alright.” He winked at us and stepped through the doors, which closed ominously.

“Here we go.” Thelma took a deep breath.

“I really hope th-they call you first,” said Kate, looking at Thelma.

“Girl, it’s gonna be okay.”

“I j-just feel like it’ll b-be easier if y-you come out and t-tell me what it’s like.”

“That detective will tell us. We just need to tell the truth, that’s it. Our families are there, too.”

And the wait resumed. Minute after minute, second after second… my stomach reacted to every tick and tock, churning painfully. I continuously breathed and stroked Lonnie’s hair, repeating my statement in my head.

On December 28th, 2023, I was jogging, and I went to Patrick Dossi’s address without realizing it. I was afraid because it was dark, and I was alone…

Alone…

Dark…

~~~

Detective Poole was in the courtroom for hours. Susan soon came out after a while, telling us we probably wouldn’t be called in today. After more waiting, her thoughts were confirmed. I was both upset and relieved. I just wished I didn’t have to come back and wait even longer to face my fears.

I had a fitful sleep. Nightmares of the court staring me down, the lawyers calling me a liar, Pat breaking out of his cuffs and coming after me. All these twisted, confusing, spiraling terrors running rampant in my mind.

Before I knew it, I was back in the waiting area, dressed up, waiting for my turn. Thelma was in there for a while, then Kate was called. Neither of them returned after testifying. I knew they merely went to the audience seats after speaking, but it still held an ominous connotation, as if they were taken away forever, never to come out again.

“Calling Diana Field.”

My heart stopped. I was hoping Patrick Jr. would go first. Kyle came over, helping me out of my seat. My legs were turned to jelly.

“Look at me,” he said, taking my shoulders. “Don’t let them twist your words, don’t let them trick you, don’t let them win. You know what happened. You know he’s guilty. You don’t need to worry about anything, okay?”

I nodded. He kissed my forehead and led me into the courtroom with the bailiff.

Inside, all eyes were on me. My throat was dry, my hand clutching Lonnie’s leash like a lifeline. I glanced at my family and friends at the front of the audience, all of them shooting me looks of reassurance and comfort. Kate looked pretty shaken, her eyes red and wet, diminishing that comfort.

Then, I saw him.

He didn’t look at me yet. Dressed in an orange jumpsuit, cuffs around his wrists, his hair disheveled— not that he had much of it anymore. Even through the loose jumpsuit, his potbelly was visible from the way he was sitting. He looked relaxed, as if confident he’d get away with it. How many things had he gotten away with in the past?

His steely gray eyes then met mine. His expression remained a deadpan as I slowed, unable to move. It was as if he were holding me there with his stare, concentrating on taking every cell of me under his control.

“Diana.” Kyle nudged me gently. He and Lonnie flanked me, as if protecting me from the criminal’s gaze. I didn’t look at him again, but in the corner of my eye, I could swear I saw him smirking.

I stood in the corner and raised my right hand at my shoulder, my hand on a Bible. The book cover was smooth and warm under my palm, the leather soft.

“Do you solemnly swear that the testimony you are about to give at this hearing shall be the truth, and nothing but the truth, under penalty of perjury?”

“I do,” I answered. I sat down at the witness stand, Lonnie sitting next to me, and Kyle returned to the audience seating.

“Please state your name for the record.”

“Diana Brianna Wa- Field, sorry.”

“Repeat.”

“Diana Brianna Field.” I looked at my family, focusing on them. They shared my blood. Not Pat.

“Ms. Field, what is your relationship with the defendant?” the lawyer asked; he was the State’s representative, so I didn’t have to worry just yet.

“He was my uncle, supposedly,” I answered.

“What do you mean by ‘supposedly’?”

I explained my situation. “So Patrick isn’t actually related to me by blood,” I finished.

“So you lived with Mr. and Mrs. Dossi when you were four years old?”

“Yes, until CPS took me and their kids away.”

“Did you see him at all after that?”

“Not until a few months ago, in October.”

“That was when you trick-or-treated with your friend Thelma Williams, correct?” he asked.

“Correct.”

“Did you see him anytime after that?”

“Yes, I did. On December 28th.” I took a deep breath before telling them about that day, how I wound up on Patrick’s property and saw him carrying a body. Nothing but the truth. Nothing to hide.

The attorney, while serious, was pretty nice for the most part. He asked me about my past with Patrick, what I remembered of him when I was four. Thankfully, he didn’t ask for too much detail, just my affirmation that he was violent towards his wife and children, and what he would do to all of us.

“No further questions.” He sat down, bringing me relief. My hands were soaked and my heart kept itself at a fast, but steady pace. It wasn’t too bad, but it was still hard to talk about Patrick when he was right… there. Watching me.

“Cross examination?” the judge addressed the defense. One of the women stood, holding a bunch of papers, and went up to the podium, adjusting the microphone to her height. She was a short, stout woman, but the way she carried herself instantly intimidated me.

“Hello, Ms. Field,” she said, her voice cold as steel. She was even worse than Ms. Bredlong.

“H-hello,” I choked out.

“You said you were jogging near Levar Road the evening of December 28th, correct?”

“Yes.”

“Ms. Field, how often do you go on jogs in your neighborhood?” Her expression remained a deadpan, but I sensed a hint of suspicion in her voice. It made me nervous, despite my innocence.

“I go… every other day. Recently, I haven’t jogged much, but usually, I jog every two, three days or so. Mostly on weekends.”

“So you should be familiar with your neighborhood, correct?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“You said you arrived at 33 Levar Road ‘by accident’.” Her brows furrowed. “How did you ‘accidentally’ stumble onto Mr. Dossi’s territory if you regularly jogged around the neighborhood?”

My heart stilled for half a second. That did look pretty bad…

“Um, I had an argument with someone prior to that,” I explained. “I had gone to the outlet, and there were some girls that I didn’t— don’t— get along with. I got really upset, so I ran away just to get away from them, and I didn’t really focus on where I was going.”

“So it was by pure coincidence that you ran into Mr. Dossi’s street?”

“That’s right,” I said, wringing my hands under the table. It sounded stupid, but it was true.

“You said you didn’t recognize Mr. Dossi as the man you saw carrying a body. How do you know it was him?”

“W-well… to tell the truth, I didn’t know it was him at the time.” I glanced at the State lawyers, then at the jury, who watched me intently. “But it was confirmed when I was issued the subpoena, because they found my bracelet there.”

“What bracelet were you wearing at the time of this event?”

“It was a sunflower bracelet that my mo-” I faltered, looking at Susan, who also looked a bit shocked. I’d never actually referred to her or Davis as ‘Mom’ and ‘Dad’ before. It was something I wasn’t used to.

“Ms. Field?”

“Sorry, um… it was a sunflower bracelet my mom gave me. I wrote my name inside,” I told her.

“Hand me Exhibit 5-B, please.” She took a plastic bag from someone and held it up, revealing a bracelet— my bracelet— inside. “Is this the bracelet you were wearing, Ms. Field?”

“Yes… yes, that’s my bracelet.”

“Do you consider this bracelet to be an item of importance?”

“Objection, Your Honor, relevance,” the State lawyer said.

“It’s relevant,” the woman argued.

“Overruled, continue,” said the judge, nodding at me to answer.

“I… yes, it’s very important,” I said. “It’s a gift from my mom.” I emphasized the word ‘mom’, smiling at… my mother. “And my dad, too.” I smiled at Davis, who seemed to resist tears.

“How did you not realize you lost it, then? Weren’t you taking good care of it?”

I tried not to hesitate, remembering what I thought and felt that day. “I was just scared. After what I saw, I ran away. So, no, I didn’t realize I lost it until I got home, and I wasn’t about to go back and get it.”

She gave the bag back. “So, Ms. Field, what exactly did you see that night?”

“Like I said, I was jogging,” I began. “I realized I was on a different street, and that it was getting dark. I was scared. Then…” I paused to recall. “I was looking on my GPS, then I heard noises from the house. Patrick’s house. And I hid under a tree.”

“You hid? Why didn’t you run away?”

“I-I didn’t know what else to do,” I said honestly, my heart rate quickening. “I was kinda… going on instinct. I didn’t know where I was, and I didn’t want to get more lost, so I hid.”

“What did you see after you hid?” she then asked.

“I saw…” I glanced at Patrick, whose steely eyes cut right through me. Just looking at him brought back terrible memories, my little self’s scream ringing in my ears. “I saw Patrick dragging a large, human-sized bag to his pickup truck. He covered it with a tarp. When he got in his truck, I thought he would see me, so I hid in the bushes nearby.”

“And that was when your bracelet fell off?”

“I got stuck in the bushes while trying to get out, so… yes.”

The lawyer glanced at Lonnie, who sat quietly. “This dog is your service dog, correct, Ms. Field?”

I glanced at him. “Yes, he is.”

“What purpose does he serve?”

The State lawyers seemed like they wanted to object, but held their tongues. I answered, “I suffer from PTSD, anxiety, depression… a lot of mental stuff. He keeps me in check and alerts me if I’m having an attack or an episode.”

“So your service animal is at your side at all times?”

“That’s right.”

“Was he not with you when you were jogging the evening of December 28th?”

“Um… no, he wasn’t. He… I-I like to give him breaks every now and then. Sometimes, he jogs with me, other times, he doesn’t. I don’t like to overwork him.” I winced inwardly. I sounded way too nervous.

“Doesn’t that go against your doctor’s orders?”

“Objection, facts not in evidence.”

“Sustained,” said the judge. I tried not to show my relief. I could see my parents whispering to each other, watching the defense lawyer with caution.

“Ms. Field, if your service dog aids you whenever you have an episode, why was he not with you on December 28th?”

“Like I said, I wanted to give him a day off to not overwork him.”

“What usually causes these attacks or episodes you mentioned?”

“Um… when I’m extremely upset, when I see something that triggers a traumatic memory… when a lot of people… stare at me.” I gulped, trying not to look at Patrick. His eyes never left me. I could feel it.

“What symptoms usually occur with these episodes?” the lawyer then asked.

“A… variety. It depends. Usually, I just get short of breath or weak.”

“Did seeing Mr. Dossi carry a ‘human-shaped’ bag to his truck cause you to have an episode?”

“Uh… y-yeah… I don’t really remember much. It was dark, and I was panicking, because… yeah, it was scary. I wasn’t even sure what I…” Seeing Detective Poole wince in the crowd, I knew I screwed up. The lawyer’s lips ever so subtly tilted up at the corners.

“Please finish your sentence, Ms. Field.”

“I-I wasn’t even sure of what I was seeing… at first.”

“Do these episodes cause your memory to be altered?” the lawyer pressed.

“No. I mean- yes. I…” Lonnie nudged my thigh, as if prodding me to take a breath. “My memory is affected when I have very severe episodes. That’s why I wasn’t sure when… when I saw Patrick doing what he did.”

“So you consider the episode you had to be severe at the time of the incident, right?”

“Objection, leading and calls for speculation.”

“Overruled.”

“I… I don’t consider it very severe. Just symptoms of panic. I know what I saw was real,” I answered, my hands now shaking. “And if it happened at Patrick’s address, I know it was him.”

“Ms. Field, did you have one of these episodes at the time of your ‘argument’ with your acquaintances during your jog?” she then asked.

“I… I was just really upset… they were badgering me about-”

“Objection, Your Honor, non-responsive,” the lawyer cut me off.

“Sustained. Ms. Field, answer the question.”

“I had an anxiety attack,” I told her.

“So you were already mentally incapacitated when you left the argument, correct?”

“I wouldn’t say incapacitated, I was just upset.”

“Upset enough that you wouldn’t realize what street you were wandering onto?” she asked skeptically, quirking a brow. She was right, though; how could I be so stupid?

“Objection, argumentative.”

“Overruled.”

“I…” I tried to breathe normally. My skin was heating up and sweat built up on my skin. “I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”

“So how are you sure that what you saw wasn’t altered in any way by your symptoms?” she pressed.

“I’m… I’m sure it was…” My jaw flapped.

“Objection, non-responsive.”

“Sustained. Answer the question.” The judge’s voice sounded more urgent now.

“I’m not sure,” I said shakily.

“And you are unable to identify the man you saw?”

“I know it was at his address, so I know it’s him now-”

“Objection, non-responsive.”

“Sustained.”

“I know it was him, alright?” I nearly shouted. Lonnie whimpered next to me. “He hated Kim, he beat her up all the time! He beat all of us…” Without thinking, I looked at him.

He was so relaxed, sitting casually and watching me. A satisfied smirk was drawn permanently on his face. I could sense the thoughts he had; probably observing how I’d changed, how my body changed. Laughing at how pathetic I remained, more so than I was 12 years ago.

I could see my 4-year old self sitting next to him, also wearing a jumpsuit, cuffs around her wrists. She watched me with resentment and scorn, as if she expected me to ruin everything.

“Ms. Field, calm yourself down and answer the question.”

Lonnie then barked. I stood and ran out of the courtroom, avoiding the bailiffs’ reaching hands and ignoring the voices calling after me. I needed to get out of there. I needed to get away from him.

I knew it. I knew I would mess it all up.