Diana
10.18.23
Dear Diary, the ‘liaison’ came this morning. Ms. Bredlong sure worked fast. It wasn’t too hard, I guess. Her name is Ms. Howells and she is just like Bredlong. It was unbearable when everyone left for work and school. It’s just my luck that Kyle and Jack have busy days today. Tommy and Harry will be back at 1, so it’s just the first half of the day she’s here.
I just had Geometry, and now I have a free period. Ms. Howells is sitting on my bed behind me. I can literally feel her eyes pinned on my back. It’s like a sniper waiting until just the right moment to pull the trigger.
My phone kept buzzing with messages, so she finally got sick of it and asked why I wouldn’t answer. So I did. All my friends were asking if I was still ‘sick’, like I told them on Monday. I don’t know why it was so hard to just tell them I switched to online school. I’m such an idiot.
So I finally told them today. Tony and Kate haven’t seen my reply yet, but Thelma and Mildred did. They were pretty hurt that I didn’t tell them anything. I just said I didn’t want people talking about it at their school. Even though I’m not a student there anymore, for some reason, I don’t want people talking about the ‘ghost girl’ transferring out. I wanted a quiet exit.
Anyway… I should get something to eat before the warden asks me why I’m not eating enough.
~~~
10.19.23
Dear Diary, I got a camera set up in my room. Last night, Susan slept in here on a mattress, but now she doesn’t have to. I kind of wish she could, but I get it. She has to work… like always. Both her and Davis are always working. I can tell that the boys are tired of them not being around.
So now I have a camera that Ms. Howells uses to keep an eye on me at night until I fall asleep. I’m taking melatonin now, that way I can sleep early and she doesn’t have to watch me the whole night. Then during the day, she comes here and watches me do everything. Even change or go to the bathroom. No matter how many times I tell her I’m uncomfortable, she insists that ‘I brought this on myself’. I’ve felt like punching her.
I’m hoping Jack comes back from work early. He and I don’t talk much or anything, but he’s better than this vulture.
~~~
10.20.23
Dear Diary, I’m ripping this page out as soon as I’m done. I just wanted to let my anger out for a bit.
I caught Ms. Howells READING MY DIARY. I took a nap during my free period, and when I woke up, she was sitting at my desk, reading everything. Obviously, I got mad, but she kept saying it was ‘her business now’ and that she had to make sure I wasn’t ‘writing anything disturbing’. WTF. I’m writing this right now while she’s writing her little report. She’s all mad because I was calling her names and stuff. What does she expect when she’s such a miserable old hag?
~~~
10.20.23
Dear Diary, I’m having a very productive day today. I had my AP Literature class, which is my favorite. It’s a one-on-one class; no other students. The teacher gives me the lecture and I take notes, do exercises, how you do.
Admittedly, it’s a bit lonely. I do miss my friends. I used to have Cooking class on Fridays. I liked that class, despite how tough the teacher was.
I feel a bit disappointed that I missed Homecoming Week at Summit High. It sounded so fun, too. Tommy and Harry are playing against Lawson today. I hope it goes well. I asked Kyle and Jack if they did the same thing, and they said their Homecoming was during the first week of October. Jack played in the games there, too. It sounded pretty fun.
Either way, I guess my experience would’ve been ruined by bullies at school, so I know this is the best for me.
Dr. Cawman will be coming over later. Maybe that’ll cheer me up. She’s a lot better than my previous therapists.
~~~
10.21.23
Dear Diary, it’s the weekend, so the Fields went out for lunch. They made Kyle and Jack skip work and everything. We went to a place called Rita’s Pancake House. It was very delicious. Ms. Howells tagged along, too.
It was a lot more bearable with the family around. Now that the brothers and I have gotten along better, I’m actually starting to have fun being around them. They’re a bit tense with Ms. Howells around, though.
~~~
I’m going to write this while Ms. Howells isn’t here.
I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER. I don’t understand why she had to come to lunch with us. Weekends should be her days off. The family’s here watching me, so why should she be around?! I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs. Every time I have a panic attack, or anxiety attack, or burst into tears for whatever reason, she’s there. And I HATE IT. She keeps asking why, what I’m thinking about, like she wants to dissect my brain or something.
This is going to take FOREVER. She keeps threatening to take me to the hospital instead, always saying that I should be ‘grateful’ that I’m at home. Always blaming me. It’s always my fault.
~~~
10.22.23
Dear Diary, it’s Sunday. The family wanted to go back to their church. I don’t trust religious stuff a lot, especially after that time I stayed with the Leedas, so I didn’t really want to go. They were okay with leaving me home, but then Ms. Howells would have to come over. I wound up going to church. Better than staying with her.
Big mistake. The entire congregation knew Amy, and on top of that, the family’s been the biggest gossip of their lives. We wound up leaving because I had a panic attack.
We got home just in time, though. I got my period today. I’m in huge trouble now. The past two months, I’ve stayed in my room until I stopped bleeding (I faked sick last month so I wouldn’t go out). But now, I can’t be alone. It’s so embarrassing. Every time I have my period around people, something horrible happens. And with a family like this?! Five men?! It’s humiliating. Thank God Ms. Howells is a woman. It’s still embarrassing, but not as bad as it usually is.
~~~
10.23.23
Dear Diary, I had a productive school day today. I had Biology first. I miss seeing Tony at school. It’s a bit weird, how similar my schedule feels to my old one.
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I’d say Monday is the ‘boring’ day. Biology, Geometry, Government… no fun classes like ASL or Literature. I guess that’s Monday for you.
Susan and Davis stayed home today, which I’m happy about. I think I’ve started to get along better with them. I’m definitely not as angry as I was before. Totally not.
~~~
10.24.23
Dear Diary, I just wanted to express my profound appreciation for Ms. Howells. She really is a great worker. I fell and bruised myself today, and she was very worried. She thought I had done it on purpose. It was an accident, but I understand. She just wanted to be careful.
I really do appreciate her. She cares a lot about me, despite how much I’ve lied and faked situations in the past to get out of homes and situations I didn’t want to be in. I’ve felt lonely, but she’s around, so at least there’s someone in the room with me… all the time. Very happy. I feel like now I’m getting better. I don’t feel the need to hurt myself anymore. My cuts are healing up. Just a couple more days, and the bandages will come off.
The doctor thinks I’m doing better, too. We went yesterday. Ms. Howells was very interrogative. She practically hammered the doctor with questions. Silly Ms. Howells. She just wants the best for me. She wants me to have a good life. That’s why she’s so overprotective! I feel terrible about what I said about her before. I wasn’t appreciative. Now I am!
~~~
October 25th, 2023
“Cook.”
I did the sign for ‘cook’, following the instructor on the video.
“Bake.”
I copied the sign for ‘bake’.
“Stir.”
My phone buzzed, briefly distracting me. I paused the video and checked. I’d been added to a group chat called ‘Girlies <3’ by Thelma on FamiliarFaces.
I bit my lip. I didn’t like group chats. But they were my friends, right?
Opening it, I read the incoming texts. ihavetoomanyAPs (Thelma Williams): ok i added her
Kate_T_Jacobs536 (Katelyn Jacobs): yaay
ihavetoomanyAPs: imma add mildred too i forgot
I swallowed and nervously texted, ‘Hi’.
ihavetoomanyAPs: hi Diana
im sorry i got so mad at u last week
have u been doing ok? we havent talked in a while.
Sunflowergirl3482: Doing good, bit boring.
“I’m going to the bathroom,” Ms. Howells announced behind me. “Don’t do anything stupid.”
“I’ll be here,” I sighed. It was a miracle she was even leaving.
‘ihavetoomanyAPs (Thelma Williams) added dawsonaction (Mildred Dawson) to Girlies <3’
ihavetoomanyAPs: hi Mildred this is Thelma
We met at the dance on friday
dawsonaction: bout time yall added me
ihavetoomanyAPs: sry i forgot, i only made the group yesterday
It was good to know the other girls had met Mildred.
idkwtdwml (Blanche Parsons): whos Mildred? (nervous laughing emoji)
Blanche?! What was she doing in here? Did Thelma not know what happened?
alma_santiago2860 (Alma Santiago): dianas friend from her bus. we met her at the dance.
Alma was here, too?
idkwtdwml: oh ok. i didnt go. nice to meet u @dawsonaction
dawsonaction: im sorry gurl but what is that username? (laughing emoji) not to be mean
idkwtdwml: ur good. and idk, i made this acount when I was like 12 lol
I put my phone down. If Blanche was in this group, I didn’t want to be a part of it. She was probably fishing for another chance to get the big ‘scoop’ for her club.
I squirmed uncomfortably. It was about time for me to change, but Ms. Howells was still in the bathroom. Maybe I could go downstairs.
I stood, stretching, and crouched to fish my pads out from under my bed. Susan had been kind enough to buy me plenty of them, without the men knowing. They were stashed under my bed.
As I rose, the sudden whoosh from standing up made me stumble backwards. My pile of diaries on my desk fell to the floor. I sighed, putting my pad in my pocket, and picked them up. One of them flipped open.
Thursday, 11/05, 2020
Dear Diary… Marco came to see me last night. I thought maybe he wanted to apologize for what he did yesterday. But instead
I closed my eyes, but it was too late. My head whirled and I stumbled, as if going through a portal. The diary fell to the ground.
“Pathetic.”
I turned with a gasp, finding no one. Who said that?
“Why did I even give you a chance?”
Oh, God, no. It was happening again. They were back. They were gone… they had stopped.
“You’re so ugly and skinny. Every time I kissed you, I wanted to retch. And you were so desperate.” He chuckled.
Turning, I saw his familiar form materialize in front of me. There he was; tall, dark, and handsome. The man I loved. The man I thought loved me. He would bring me comfort and make me feel… worth it.
He strutted towards me. I backed away, gasping when I hit a wall behind me. His hands flanked my head and he leaned closer to my face. I could feel his warm breath.
“Either way… as plain Jane as you are… you could give me a good time,” he said.
My head shook ‘no’. I heard myself speaking, but I didn’t feel like my mouth was moving. “P-please… I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I can’t do this.”
His strong, rough hand wrapped around my throat, squeezing harder and harder. I couldn’t breathe. “You can do this. And you will.”
“Please…” I heard myself whispering through my pressured airways. “Y-you promised.”
“Promised what?” His voice held so much hatred and spite.
“You said… you said…” I pulled at his wrist, gasping for air. “You said you wouldn’t… do anything I… didn’t want to.”
“And I didn’t. But enough is enough.” He pulled me closer, still holding me by the throat. My airways were completely cut off as my feet hung, my toes barely touching the floor. Being as thin and light as I was, it was easy for him to lift me.
His mouth stopped next to my ear. “I want you to do this. And you will.”
“I don’t… want to…” I squeaked.
“I know.”
His hand released me, throwing me onto the bouncy cushion. I gasped deeply, coughing. He didn’t give me any time to recover, his weight already pressing onto me, suffocating me. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t fight or scream. My mouth was sealed and his hands were on me…
Then he was gone. I gasped, sitting up. My entire body trembled. Looking down, my pants were stained with blood. I felt my pockets for my pad. I thought I still had one on!
“Why didn’t you fight harder?” another voice came.
I exclaimed, frightened, and backed into my bookshelf. In front of me was a girl, maybe around 14. Her hair was disheveled and her clothes torn and tattered. It took me a few moments to realize that was… me.
“Why weren’t you stronger?!” my younger me yelled. Her face was soon covered with tears as she fell to her knees. “You should’ve fought better! I would’ve been okay! He would’ve still loved me!”
“B-but… but he never loved you…” I found myself saying.
She screamed to the point I had to cover my ears. Her scream faded into a loud ringing. I closed my eyes, clutching my head at the pounding headache. I heard voices all around me.
“Diana? It’s Susan!”
Opening my eyes, I found green eyes staring into mine. I swallowed and regained my bearings. I was sitting on my bed. My diaries were still on the floor. Ms. Howells stood behind Susan. “I…” I was still having trouble breathing. I touched my neck, checking for a bruise, but I didn’t feel anything.
“Sweetie, what happened?” She took me into a comforting embrace.
“They…” My eyes watered. “They came back…”
“Who came back, honey?”
“He… he… I can see it now. I can see it. I stopped and I can see it again! I saw me!” I went limp in her arms, letting her hold me close. I knew she didn’t understand, but I couldn’t explain any more.
“It’s okay, sweetheart. It’s okay. I’m here.” Her hand smoothed my hair, bringing comfort, but I couldn’t stop crying.
Davis entered. “What happened?”
“She had a panic attack,” Susan told him. She looked at Ms. Howells. “Where were you?”
“In the bathroom,” Ms. Howells replied coolly. “Diana, what were you doing?”
I shook my head, still unable to speak. Susan responded for me. “Why are you assuming she did anything?”
“She must have done something to trigger this attack. Check her arms.”
“She’s wearing a T-shirt,” Davis pointed out.
“If you think she did something, then look at your camera app,” Susan said, stroking my hair. “You shouldn’t have left her alone in the first place. You should’ve come to our room and told us you were leaving. That’s your job.”
Silence. “I apologize,” Ms. Howells gritted out after a while.
I finally started regaining my breath. I stayed in Susan’s arms, finding great comfort. Even though I still held a lot of resentment against her, I needed the hug.
“Mrs. Field, you should check your foster daughter’s body for other injuries she may have inflicted,” Ms. Howells said, her tone flat and stone-cold. “I see a stain on her shorts.”
My eyes snapped open and I looked down. Sure enough, there was red.
“That’s her period,” Susan said defensively. “You dolt,” she added under her breath.
I pushed away from Susan, the panic returning. “I’m sorry! I’m sorry…” I must have stained the bedsheets. Davis was still at the doorway, watching with confusion.
“Honey, it’s okay. You don’t have to-”
“I’m sorry!” I ran out of my room and to the bathroom. I closed the door and slid to the floor, crying in shame. He’d seen it. They all saw it.
Everything was coming back and getting worse… how long could I go on?