November 27th, 2023

It worked. One way or another, it worked. The plan was flawed, maybe even stupid, but it worked… somehow. They were getting sloppy.

Ms. Howells would stop watching me at a certain point at night. I had a small window of opportunity. Tomorrow was my doctor’s appointment, so if I waited, the window would close and I’d never get out of here.

At 11:00, I texted Ms. Howells good night as a test. She didn’t see the message or answer, so she was most likely sleeping. I slid out of my covers, slowly approaching the camera on the bookshelf.

Carefully, I pulled on the shelf so it could lean. My arms trembled, struggling under the weight, and books fell onto the carpet. I winced at the noise, but they weren’t too loud. When the camera fell, I pushed the case up as quietly as possible.

With great satisfaction, I smashed the thing to pieces with my foot. I checked my chat with Ms. Howells to make sure she hadn’t seen anything.

On my desk sat my diary, hatched open to a certain page, where I’d written an apology to the Fields and my friends. They really didn’t deserve this, and as much as I didn’t want to hurt them, I didn’t have a choice. Soon, they’d see that this was for the best. They were better off without me. The world was better without me in it.

I checked if my door was locked one more time. Every noise paralyzed me. I would expect someone to barge in at any second and pin me to the floor. I couldn’t let them stop me again. I missed my chance all those years ago. I wouldn’t lose it now.

I took my bottle of antidepressants. I had gotten another prescription filled recently, so there were plenty left. I poured the remaining pills in my hand. They felt soft and smooth against my palm. I took the large glass of water in my other hand.

This was it. No turning back. I would be free.

My foster parents’ faces flashed through my mind. Then their sons’. Then Tony’s, then my friends’. Mr. Brian. Little Addie.

I’m sorry. But I’m not strong enough.

Maybe I’d finally see Mom and Dad. Would they still love me? Would they be disappointed, or would they understand? I wasn’t sure. I used to believe in Heaven when I was little, but now… it was so uncertain.

Wherever I’d go, at least I’d be free, and everyone would be happier.

I tried to move my hand, but it was as if the pills gained 1000 pounds of weight. I couldn’t command it to move to my mouth. My limbs were held down somehow.

I could hear people saying it wasn’t worth it. There was a chance. It could be better. I just had to give the world another shot.

But I gave it one too many.

I tried to wrench my hand out of the invisible grip, but it was strong. One last fight for my life. One last antagonist in my mind.

My vision blacked out for a moment. I inhaled, my heart pounding at the blindness. When I came to, the glass of water was empty and the pills were gone. A bitter taste registered in the back of my throat.

I… I did it. I did it. I was free. It was all over. No more. I was free. They were free. I could disappear. No one would suffer anymore.

I lied in bed, pulling the covers over me. I was just going to sleep… and never waking up.

~~~

Kyle

“WAKE UP.”

I gasped at the cold air caressing my ear, my body shooting up in bed. My heart was going at 200 beats per second at the fright. But when I looked around, no one was there.

I sighed, going to Jack and pushing him. He groaned, moving away. “What’d you wake me up for?” I mumbled.

“What?”

“You just whispered in my ear.”

“No, I didn’t.” He groaned again. “Go away.”

I rolled my eyes. I had to go to the bathroom, anyway. Going out in the hallway, I shivered. The heater was supposed to be on. Why was I so cold all of a sudden?

I found myself looking at Diana’s door… or Amy’s door. Maybe it belonged to both of them. It was shut.

But… that wasn’t allowed.

I suddenly got a horrible feeling. Goosebumps grew all over me. I found myself speed-walking to the door and knocking. “Diana?” I called.

No answer, as expected. I knocked again, calling louder. Not a sound. Checking the doorknob, I found it locked.

Oh, my God. I pushed my weight against the door, trying hard to open it, but it wouldn’t budge. I stepped back and kicked it with all my might until it broke open. I could hear my family groaning as they woke up in their rooms.

Rushing inside, I saw Diana hunched over the side of her bed. I ran to her side, but stopped before a puddle of vomit on the carpet.

“What’s going on in there?” I heard Mom say in the hall.

“Diana?” I leaned forward, shaking her. She was soaking wet and burning to the touch. She didn’t move or respond.

“Kyle? What happened?” Footsteps approached.

“Diana.” I shook her again. “Diana.”

“Oh, my God, what happened?!” Dad climbed on the bed, followed by Mom.

I pressed my fingers to her neck, trying to find a pulse, but found none. My head spun and I leaned back, holding onto the wall to support myself.

“Someone get a phone and call 911.” Dad gathered Diana into his arms and moved her to the floor. Harry ran out of the room, probably getting his phone. Tommy knelt down, fingering a pile of debris on the floor. I could just barely recognize the camera lens in the moonlight.

Harry ran back inside with the phone, turning on the light. “Is she breathing?” he asked.

Dad shook his head, panting in panic, but didn’t move. Mom was sobbing uncontrollably, her hands shaking violently.

“She’s not breathing,” Harry said into the phone.

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“I didn’t feel a pulse,” I added.

Jack suddenly rushed to her side. “Mom, Dad, get out of the way.” He looked into Diana’s mouth, then locked his fingers and started pressing on her chest rhythmically.

“My brother’s giving her CPR.” Harry paused, then nodded. “Keep going, Jack.”

He didn’t respond, breathing into her mouth, then doing more chest compressions. I could only stare blankly, unable to comprehend what was happening.

“Diana Watson,” Harry said clearly. “I’m Harry. Harry Field.” He paused, then told us, “They’re on their way, they’ll be here in a few minutes. Keep doing CPR.”

“I’m going to run out of breath, so…” Jack was already panting as he pressed on Diana’s chest. “When I… tell you… one of you… switch with me.”

“I don’t know how to do this!” Tommy exclaimed stressfully.

“Just do exactly what I’m doing.” He continued until he started pressing a bit weaker. He then moved away.

“I’ll try.” Harry gave a panicking Tommy the phone and knelt at her side. He hesitantly interlocked his fingers and tried pressing down.

“Sit up a bit straighter,” Jack instructed. “100 beats per minute. Press straight down. Good. Now pinch her nose and breathe into her mouth. Make sure her chest’s rising.”

An anxious tension built up in the room. Dad started praying under his breath along with Mom, who held Diana’s hand. I looked up at the ceiling, feeling my cheeks moisten with tears.

I’m sorry… Lord, I’m sorry… please… don’t do this. Give us one more chance. Just one more. We’re so sorry. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. She doesn’t deserve this. Please.

We soon heard sirens down the street. Tommy seemed to relax a little, breathing more normally. Dad sighed and whispered, “Thank you, Jesus.” Jack quickly ran out to flag down the ambulance. He nearly tripped as he left, but he stayed on his feet.

“Is she breathing yet?” I asked anxiously.

Harry shook his head and relentlessly continued pressing on her chest and giving her air.

I covered my tear-soaked face, leaning against the bedside.

What have we done?

~~~

Jack

I couldn’t bring myself to look at anyone’s eyes. During the drive to the hospital and the wait, my eyes never left my shoes. My neck was starting to hurt.

Someone sat next to me and handed me a bottle of water. “Thirsty?” Kyle’s voice resonated.

I quietly shook my head, but he nudged my hand with the cold, wet bottle. “Take a sip.” Sighing, I took the bottle and opened it, drinking only a bit.

Just for a moment, I dared to glance up at the doors leading to the operating room. Diana’s favorite caseworker, Mr. Brian, waited anxiously, leaning against the wall. Ms. Bredlong paced angrily while talking to Ms. Howells, apparently arguing. Diana’s other caseworkers and her therapist stood in a corner.

“You should call Amelia, tell her what happened,” Kyle said, pulling out his phone. “I’m gonna call Nicole.” He stood.

I felt bad calling this early in the morning, but it was an emergency situation. I stayed seated and opened Amelia’s number.

“You’re not gonna call Shirley?” I heard Harry ask a few seats away.

“No, she’s… been avoiding me since I told her ‘We need to talk’,” Tommy replied.

“You don’t think she should know about this?”

There was a pause. “I’ll text her real quick. I don’t need her hassling me right now.” He then said, “We should tell Diana’s friends. Tony, Mildred, all of them.”

“I’ll call Mildred.”

I glanced behind me, where Mom was on the phone with our uncle. Dad was also talking to our family, asking for prayers. Everyone was talking to someone.

I finally pressed ‘Call’ and held the phone to my ear, waiting. “Jack?” Amelia’s sleepy voice said.

My voice caught in my throat. I wanted to speak to her, but shame gripped me like a snake wrapping around my body.

“Hello?”

“H-hi,” I squeaked out.

“Babe, what’s wrong?”

“I’m… I’m sorry to wake you. Um…” I cleared my throat, feeling it tighten painfully. “I, um… something…”

“Jack, are you sleep-calling me?” she asked with a small giggle.

I wanted to laugh, but instead, a sob escaped my lips. I held my fist to my mouth. “Jack? What happened? You’re worrying me.” Amelia’s tone changed drastically.

“She did it,” I choked out. “She tried to…” I closed my eyes. My face burned red in shame as I started crying. How could I shed a tear, after…

“Who did what?”

“Diana, she- she tried to- she…”

“Calm down, babe. What happened? Where are you?”

“Hospital. She tried to do it, Amelia. She might be…”

After a few moments, I heard her crying on the other line. “Oh, my God, no!”

I dropped the phone from my ear, allowing myself to cry for a few minutes. I felt so pathetic. So disgusting. This was all my fault. She would’ve been better. She would’ve been fine if I hadn’t been such a piece of…

I brought the phone back to my ear. I could hear Amelia sniffling, but she wasn’t crying much anymore. “Did you… just get there? Or…”

“It feels like hours.” Checking the time, I read 3:05 AM, but I wasn’t sure when we’d woken up, or when we got here. “I think… it was around… maybe 12:30? When we found her. We called an ambulance.”

“I’ll be there in a bit.” I heard shuffling. “Do you want me to bring anything?”

“No, it’s fine.” I wiped my eyes. “Thanks, Amelia. I’m sorry I woke you up like this.”

“It’s not your fault.”

But it was my fault. It was all my fault.

The waiting room started filling up for her. Thelma and her family came, then Mildred, then the other three— I couldn’t remember their names. Tony came with his family, too. Amelia then joined me, but I couldn’t look at her face, either. Nicole joined Kyle.

Hours and hours… it felt like it would never end.

A little girl was sitting with Tony, leaning on his shoulder. His little sister, probably. I felt a tinge of envy. Amy’s presence would make everything so much better.

She would be so disappointed… we promised her we’d be better, and we messed it all up all over again. She would be ashamed. Would she even call herself our sister after this?

I watched Tony talk to his little sister, using sign language. She had a hearing aid in her right ear. Was that why Diana started learning ASL? She mentioned it a couple times when she switched to online school.

Harry stood, going up to Tony. After talking to him, he started signing slowly to the girl. He was learning ASL, so I wasn’t surprised.

I reached into my back pocket and unfolded the page I’d torn out of Diana’s diary, addressed to all of us. Her handwriting was beautiful. The opposite of Amy’s— hers was way too messy to understand.

Bracing myself, I read the note.

To my foster family and friends:

I’m so sorry it had to be this way. But I don’t see any other way out of this.

I should never have come into your lives. You were already going through enough, and with me in the picture, everything got so much worse. I’ve thought about it a lot. The only reason so many people treat me like this is because I deserve it. There’s too much of a history to deny it.

All I can say is I’m sorry. I know you’ll probably be upset, but trust me when I say it’s for the best. The world is infected, and the virus needs to be killed. It’s best if the virus self-destructs.

Don’t think it’s your fault. All of you: Susan, Davis, Kyle, Jack, Tommy, and Harry; all of you showed me so much love. Despite the rocky start, you were one of the best families I’ve ever lived with. Please don’t blame yourselves. I’ve been thinking about this for years, long before I met you. I’m grateful to have met you. You’re all broken— I understand. I only made everything worse for you.

To Mr. Brian, Ms. Juno, Mr. Pierce, and Dr. Cawman: Thank you for your hard work. I know you did your best to fight against the corrupt system you’re working in. Thank you for finding me a perfect final home. I always appreciated all of you. And thank you for the help and compassion you’ve given me.

To Tony, Addie, Thelma, Mildred, Kate, Blanche, and Alma: Thank you for being the best friends I could ever ask for. At least I can leave knowing I had true friends in this world. I never thought this was possible, or that it even existed. You proved me wrong. Thank you so much for letting me smile one more time. I’m so sorry for the pain I’ve caused you, and am causing you now, but I hope your lives will be better now.

Everything will be just fine. I can see my parents now. We can all be happy.

—Diana

I stood, going to my mom. “Mom?”

She turned, hiding her tears. I held out the note. “Diana… left this.”

She stared at it for a few seconds, then took it, nodding. I went back to my seat.

The clock never seemed to change. Second after second, minute after minute. Some of our family members came to support us. More people came and went. Anxious families and friends all around. The skies outside were beginning to brighten. Time would never end.

“Diana Watson?”

We all stood. Amelia clung to my arm. I embraced her, waiting for the final blow as her caseworkers talked to the doctor.

Mr. Brian turned to my parents, telling them something. They reacted by thanking God and sighing in tearful relief. I collapsed into my seat, for the first time seeing some light in this dark situation.

Mom and Dad’s faces changed, though, when Mr. Brian continued talking. They nodded and went to sit down while all the caseworkers and the therapist followed the doctor through the door.

She was alive. She was okay. Is it over? Would everything be normal? I quickly approached them. “What happened?” I asked.

“She’s gonna be okay,” said Dad.

“Can we see her?” Kyle also came over with Nicole.

Mom hesitated. “She’s… very upset right now. They’ll tell us when we can see her.”

Glancing anxiously at the door, I sat down again with Amelia. “She’s okay,” Amelia reassured me. “She’ll be okay. She just needs… help.”

Just because she was alive didn’t mean it was all over. It was far from over.