Diana
09.16.23
Dear Diary, I’ve gotten that feeling back. It’s that one when I feel really… empty. Every day seems like a blur. It’s like the world is gray and dull and boring. At school, I’m getting used to all the looks.
Thelma and the other girls have reached out to me, and Tony too, but I just don’t feel like being around them. I hardly know them, and it feels awkward when they talk to me. Thelma really wants to be ‘best friends’, but that was 12 years ago. We’re obviously not the same little girls we were.
And with the Fields, I’m mostly in my room now. I don’t feel like dealing with the boys or their parents. I’m just so… tired of my life. I feel like I’m at the end of the
My phone buzzed, interrupting me. On GoodNews, Mildred had texted me.
Mildred: Hey
I sighed, not opening the message. I didn’t want to talk right now.
How r u? she followed.
I swiped the alerts away. It was exhausting talking to people. It was nice of them to try and care, but eventually, they’d probably get tired of me. I wanted to save myself the consequences of trusting and just leave it at that.
I’d given up on finding out the little ‘secret’. It was obvious no one would ever tell me. They were just using it as another tool, another weapon to use against me. Maybe ignorance was bliss. Maybe knowing would make everything worse.
Sighing, I leaned back in my chair and looked around my room. It was nice. Comfy. Homey. But sooner or later, I’d be leaving it. Anytime I was given something good, it would be snatched away later on. I was better off not receiving anything at all.
What was the point? Why would I hope for something better? I was surprised that I trusted the Fields to be a ‘good’ family. After so many placements, I should’ve been a lot more cynical.
There was some kind of curse on me. Somehow, in some way, I hurt people around me. I instilled hate in everyone I met. Maybe I did or said stuff that made me deserve everything. There just… had to be something wrong with me.
There was plenty wrong with me, but since my parents died, it was like I became the scum of the earth to everyone else. What was it? What was so repulsive about me? Did someone put a hex on my name?
No point in wondering. I wouldn’t be able to change anything. Sometimes I felt like disappearing was the best I could do for the world.
Someone knocked on my door, interrupting my thoughts. “Come in,” I said.
Harry peeked in, smiling thinly. “Hey. Um… are you busy?”
My brows knitted. “No? What do you need?” A bit of contempt snuck into my voice, expecting another chore.
“Great. Uh…” He put his hands in his pockets and glanced behind him. “Could you… come with me? I need to talk to you.”
My heart skipped a beat as my body stiffened. “… Sure.” I turned off my lamp and closed my diary, stuffing it in my old backpack. I’d made the mistake of leaving it open way too many times in the past.
“Let’s go.” He led me out into the hall. I thought he wanted to chat in his room, but he surprised me when he took a key out of his pocket and went to the attic door.
“Where are we going?” I asked suspiciously. My foot shifted into a defensive stance.
He looked at me. “I’ve wanted to tell you this for a long time. The whole family needed to tell you since the beginning. But it’s too difficult to put into words.” He opened the door fully. “I’m sorry. About everything. For being so mean to you, for not telling you… everything.”
I stared at him. My stomach was flipping like a washing machine and my heart picked up speed.
“Like I said, I don’t know how to tell you this, so… I’ll show you.” He glanced around before going up. Hesitantly, I followed at a slower pace, still cautious.
Harry seemed to wince at every creak in the stairs. He put a finger to his lips and treaded carefully. I nodded and tried walking as quietly as possible. We emerged into a wide attic with a low, triangular ceiling. There were all sorts of boxes everywhere.
“You see those boxes?” He pointed at them.
I glanced at them and nodded.
“Read them.”
I looked back at them, realizing they were labeled in marker. ‘Amy’s clothes’, ‘Amy’s toys’, ‘Amy’s drawings’. A few of the clothes boxes were open and empty.
“Amy?” I inquired. “Who’s Amy?”
“Look in that one,” he answered, pointing at a box labeled ‘Amy’s pictures’.
I approached it and hesitantly opened the loose flaps. I pulled out one of the picture frames inside.
I nearly dropped it when it came into the light.
“This…” My voice stuck in my throat. “Th-this… this is me.”
“No. That’s Amy.”
I looked at him, confused. “B-but… I don’t understand.”
He paced, an anxious breath leaving his lips and bouncing off the walls. Slowly, he explained. “Mom and Dad wanted a daughter. For a long time. They tried over and over again, and every time, they’d get a son. So… a few months after my first birthday, Mom got pregnant. And later on, they found out they were two girls.”
I clutched the picture in my hands, gazing at it. We were identical. Same face, same eyes, same everything.
“When she gave birth to them, one of the twins was stillborn. The other lived… and they named her Amy.”
My heart trembled. I sat on the floor, my limbs turning to jelly.
“And last year…” His voice shook a bit. “She was diagnosed with stomach cancer. She died just this May.”
I could only stare at him, mouth slacked open.
“That’s why people look at you the way they do, Diana. That’s why everyone at school is so afraid of you. And… that’s why we didn’t want you here.”
My heart pounded in my ears. I tried my best to keep calm. I needed to know the rest. I needed to know everything.
I swallowed, my jaw trembling as I tried to speak. “S-so you’re saying… I…” I took a deep breath. “I’m here… because I look like her?” I pointed at the picture. “Like your sister? They took me in because…”
He remained silent, his eyes lowering in shame. My breath began to falter.
No wonder everyone was so creeped out. No wonder they whispered about me all the time. No wonder.
“Am I in her room?” I found myself asking. “Did your parents… give me her room? Her clothes?”
He folded his lips together and nodded.
“Her clothes?!”
He nodded again.
“So… that’s why you didn’t want-”
“Yeah.”
How was it possible? How could someone… this was so… demented.
Dizziness struck. I swallowed down my nausea, groaning slightly. The picture softly clicked against the wooden floor, my face blurring out of sight.
Her face.
Warm hands circled my shoulders. “Breathe… breathe, Diana…” I heard Harry saying. He sounded so distant, as if he were miles away.
One last look at that picture, and I was out.
~~~
Why did you look at me like that?
It’s not my place to say.
“Diana.” I looked around in the pitch-black darkness, trying to follow the voice. There was absolutely nothing around me but black.
This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road. If you spot it on Amazon, please report it.
Listen, Diana… I heard some… things about you.
The voice was so distant, so far…
“Diana.” The voice sounded just a bit clearer. I wanted to walk forward, to follow it, but the darkness froze me in place.
I know why people are talking about you so much.
Voices echoed around me, but I couldn’t tell what they were saying. They sounded… angry. Agitated. And I was afraid.
I don’t know if you can even… handle it.
“Diana!” The voice was a little louder. My feet unstuck and I started walking towards the source.
They’re the only ones that know the real story. It’s their story.
The voices got louder. The yelling got louder. I started to run.
Well… what a tangled web we weave.
What a tangled web…
“DIANA!”
~~~
A bright light. I groaned and closed my eyes, waiting a few seconds. My ears were ringing, but I could hear people yelling.
A blurry face hovered over me. As my vision cleared, the face became a worried Harry. “It’s okay. It’s okay, Diana,” he said.
I inhaled, my chest aching. Harry gently took my wrists and pulled me up to sit. I looked up and saw the whole family in the attic, arguing.
“… you don’t get to say that to me, you don’t get to talk to me like that!” Susan was saying tearfully.
“Why shouldn’t I? It’s always been like that with you, Mom! You never care about us! All you care about is yourself!” Kyle’s face was red, his voice cracking with sobs.
Davis was having a separate argument with Tommy while Jack responded to both. “She needed to know, and you know that! Don’t you dare blame it on your brother, and don’t you dare get angry with him! He did the right thing!”
“It wasn’t her business! She’s not part of this family!” Tommy yelled.
Curses and swears filled the air. My hands shakily reached up to cover my ears. My heart was starting to waver again. I wish I’d stayed unconscious.
“Come on. Let’s go.” Harry gently lifted me to my feet, putting his hands over mine to help block the horrible sound. We navigated through the divided family and to the stairs.
“I’ve forgiven so many things from you, Mom, but this crosses the line!” Kyle shouted. “I’m never, ever forgiving you! Ever!”
Harry led me down the stairs to my room. My entire body was trembling. I quickly went over to my bed and lied upside-down so my feet were elevated by my pillows, and started taking deep breaths.
This was way too much to bear. It was… it was horrible.
Harry took my hand as I calmed down. Right now, he was the only one in this family that seemed to care. Even in the beginning, I could tell there was some part of him that knew I was innocent. It wasn’t my fault. I didn’t know.
It wasn’t my fault!
Harry went to my side table and brought over my cup of water. I sat up, having regained a bit of strength, and took a sip.
“Thank you,” I said weakly.
He sighed, sitting on my bed. “I’m so sorry, Diana. I’m sorry it had to be this way.”
“No, I… Thank you for… for telling me.” I combed my hair out of my face. “Now I know… why it wasn’t easy for you to tell me.”
He nodded. We sat in silence for a while.
“Do you want to be alone?” he asked.
“No, it’s okay. Just close the door for me, I don’t want anyone else in here.”
He moved to do so while I checked my phone. On GoodNews, Thelma had texted me, hey girl! U doing ok? I swiped the message away.
“You’re not answering that?” Harry asked me.
I shook my head. “Not in the mood.”
“Who was it?” He sat next to me.
“Thelma.”
“Thelma,” he repeated. “You met her in preschool, right?”
“Yeah. She was my bestie.” I smiled. “Then after I left… well, I never imagined I’d see her again.”
“What about your other friends? Like, uh… Mildred?”
“They’re okay, I guess. Tony’s really nice to me. And Mildred, too.”
Once more, silence.
“People at school call me a lot of names,” I said. “They say stuff like weirdo and all that, but they also call me ‘Pensky’ a lot.”
Harry sighed, nodding. “Yeah, people have been calling you that.”
“I wasn’t sure if I wanted to know,” I chuckled. “What is that?”
“It’s a murder that happened around… 10 years ago. Some rich woman in the city nearby was killed by Angelina Pensky. She was her double, but they weren’t related. And she impersonated the woman for a while until they finally found her body in a sewer.”
“Ah… I see.” That made a whole lot of sense now.
This was so surreal… it was something out of a horror movie.
I lied back on my bed, my phone on my chest, and tried to process all the information with my frazzled mind. I reached up to rub my face, only to find it wet with tears I didn’t even know I was shedding.
When I was little, people always told me I looked more like my dad, but I shared my mother’s eyes. I remembered them saying how beautiful our eyes were, even though I was only 4 at the time. It was like a mantra; it reminded me I still had a part of her with me.
Sea green eyes with a hint more blue.
I sniffled and wiped my eyes. Looking at my phone again, my gaze gravitated to Mr. Brian’s chat.
Wait a second…
I shot to my feet, startling Harry, and called Mr. Brian. My heart raced as the phone rang. He needed to pick up. He needed to answer.
“Hello, this is David Brian, how can I help you?”
“Did… did you know…?”
“Sorry? Who is this?”
“Diana. Did…?”
“Diana? What’s the matter?”
“Did you know about the Fields?”
“What about the Fields?”
“Their daughter! Did you know about their daughter? Their daughter Amy who looks just like me?”
After a long pause, Mr. Brian sighed. “I’m sorry.”
I lost feeling in my knees, sitting on my bed again.
“I wanted to tell you. But the Fields asked me not to. They said they’d tell you later on. I just wanted you to-”
“What?!” I yelled angrily.
“I was hoping they’d tell you.”
“Thanks a lot!”
“Diana, I-”
“You’re the only one I trusted! The only one I thought would-” I sighed. “I should’ve known. You freaking work in that screwed-up system! Why should you be any different?” I hung up before he could respond and threw my phone to the floor. I sunk down and fisted my hair in my hands.
“Diana…” Harry lowered himself next to me.
“I… Harry, I…” I swallowed, my throat tightening. “I think I need to be alone for a while.”
“You sure?”
“Please.”
He nodded. “Okay. If anything, just text me, alright?” He reassuringly squeezed my hand and left, gently closing the door.
I locked the door, then curled up on my bed and sobbed passionately. Questions piled up in my head, stuffing my brain up to the point that I thought my head would explode. There was just too much to ask. My entire body felt like jelly and my lungs ached.
Someone knocked on my door. “Diana? It’s me, Susan.”
No. I didn’t want to talk to her.
“May I come in?”
No, I mentally answered.
She sighed. “I’m so sorry. I know I should’ve told you. We both should’ve told you. It was just… I didn’t know how to say it. I couldn’t explain…” She began to cry. “We were just about to before…”
I closed my eyes, continuing my labored breathing. Just the sound of her voice made my body tremble violently. It was the voice of betrayal. It was the voice of a liar.
She sniffled. “I’m so sorry. I know what you’re thinking, and I know you’re angry with us.”
You got that right.
“I don’t want you to think that this was the only reason we fostered you. We love who you are. You’re you. And we… we’re fond of you. We were being real. Even if you didn’t look like her, we would’ve been the same.” She tried the door handle. “Could you please let me in? Please?”
The desperation in her voice almost made me break, but I didn’t want to talk. I couldn’t.
The door handle rattled as she let go. “Okay. I understand. You need to be alone. It’s probably a lot for you. I’m sorry.” I heard her walk away.
I needed a distraction. I needed to take all of this off my mind and concentrate on something else. My eyes lazily dragged to my desk.
Slowly, I lifted myself from my bed. I opened my drawer and grabbed my school scissors. I stared at the blades as I opened them.
I rolled down my left sleeve. My scars were quite faded now, practically gone.
All that time resisting and hiding them… and for what?
~~~
I ran to the bathroom sinks and rolled up my sleeves, turning a sink on and running the water on my forearms. The burning subsided a bit.
This was the part I always hated. The regret.
Even if I promised myself I wouldn’t do it again, I couldn’t stop now. It had taken so much time… so much effort to not do this anymore. All that work for nothing.
As I predicted, knowing the reason behind the gossip only made it worse. I knew what they were saying about me now. I knew what they were thinking. ‘Haunted’, ‘evil’, ‘ghost’. I could actually hear it now.
Gossip was a language. It was an intriguing one that everyone was interested in learning. It was all jargon at first, instilling curiosity. But once learned, it became a cursed language, a code one wished they never deciphered. It corrupted one’s soul, like a demonic spell.
Knowing the meaning behind the words made everything darker and more unbearable. It was better when I was ignorant, when I didn’t understand what they said about me.
I patted my forearms with paper towels, letting the cold water soothe the burning pain. Girls’ voices echoed in the hallway and approached me. I froze.
Hurriedly, I ran into a stall and slammed it closed. I put down the toilet lid and sat on top, pulling my feet up, and peered through the crack in the door.
Four girls stood in front of the sinks with makeup bags. One entered a stall next to me while the others washed their hands and fixed their hair. “Yesterday? They didn’t tell her until yesterday?”
“No! Bruh, all they had to do was open their mouths and say it. I would’ve told her myself.”
“Why didn’t you?”
“They were her brothers. They had to do it, not me.” A brunette dabbed her face with foundation. “I’m surprised Harry held out for so long. He’s such a blabbermouth.”
“I thought Tommy was the blabbermouth.”
“No, he’s the tattletale. He likes getting the other guys in trouble. Harry doesn’t mean it.”
I furrowed my brows. Who was this girl? It sounded like she knew the boys pretty well.
“So… now what, Ivy?” a blond next to her asked as she brushed her hair.
Ivy. Her name didn’t ring a bell.
“I don’t know. Maybe she’ll leave, hopefully.” She clicked her foundation case closed.
“You don’t have to worry about her,” another girl said. I couldn’t see her from where I was peeking, but she stood on the brunette’s left. “She’s a foster kid, right? She should move soon enough.”
“Not if they adopt her,” said Ivy. “I swear, if they do…”
“Nah. This girl’s got issues,” the third girl said. “Eventually, they’ll realize she’s not Amy, and that she’s too much to handle.”
“What do you mean?” the girl in the stall said. The loudness of her voice made me gasp in fright, but thankfully, they didn’t hear me.
“You know how foster kids here are. Like that girl Blanche? She’s in Penelope’s Health class. Like, oh-my-God, she’s a literal stalker. Always staring at people, always so quiet. All of them are weird. They have their own little club and everything.”
“You have a point,” said Ivy, putting on lipstick. She popped her lips lightly. “I heard that on the first day, she, like… acted up or something in Biology. She… freaked out. She does that a lot. Sometimes she even runs out of class.”
“She got some issues.”
“I hope so. That way they can throw her out and we don’t have to deal with her.” Ivy put away her makeup.
“Do you have to hate on her so much? It’s not like she knew.” The toilet next to me finally flushed, followed by the stall door opening. A girl with long, black hair that reached her thighs exited, joining the other girls.
“Well, she knows now,” said Ivy. “You would get it if you knew Amy.”
“It’s creepy,” Lisa said, shuddering.
Ivy hoisted her backpack higher on her shoulder. “Let’s go.” They walked out.
I stayed in my stall for a few moments before unlocking it. Slowly, I crept out and stared at the door. The Ivy girl had left her makeup bag on the sink. Was it best to leave it here?
The bell rang, urging me to leave. Just as I reached the door, the Ivy girl’s face appeared in front of me.
I stood paralyzed in place. She seemed equally startled, her brown eyes wide. My mouth flapped. Should I say something? No. I had to leave.
Her gaze was covered by a sheen of ice so cold I shivered. I slowly circled around her towards the door, unable to look away. Her dark eyes remained on me until I finally stepped into the hallway. She reached for her makeup bag and also approached the door, giving me a little shove as she passed me. It woke me up from the trance, goosebumps breaking out.
That was one of the coldest glares I’d seen, and that was saying a lot.