Diana
It started hurting.
It was so painful that I didn’t even know where it came from. There was an immense headache that spread down my spine and into my ribs. Everything was shaking around me, and I could hardly see. I felt myself holding on to my blankets and rolling back and forth in pain. It started to get hot. I threw up on the floor next to me.
It was horrible and long. It wouldn’t stop. It had all happened so fast, and yet so slow. It was too slow. I just wanted it to end.
Everything was swirling around me. I wasn’t sure what awaited me. I didn’t know what to believe. Where would I end up? Where was I going? I didn’t even know where I was going!
I wanted to scream, but my mouth was shut tight. And yet, my pained yells were so loud… it was unbearable.
It would be worth it, though. It would all end soon.
My head was in the bucket of water again. I was only 6. Those boys, who were years older than me, were all pressing me inside, holding my head with their strong hands. Water in my mouth, going down my throat, into my lungs.
No air. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t see or hear a thing. Every time I inhaled, more water came in. I was drowning… slowly and painfully… into nothingness.
Until air suddenly rushed into my lungs. A ripple of intense pain wracked my body, but I felt relieved. I was breathing. My head was out of the water.
Everything was a blur. There were voices yelling. They were garbled, and I couldn’t make out what they were saying, but I could just barely hear my name.
Arms wrapped around me, hands stroked my hair, caressed my cheeks. A kiss was laid on my forehead.
There were loud, whiny noises. I felt something rumbling underneath me. Lights flashed through my eyelids. Something pinched my hand. Then a rhythmic beeping. I smelled something weird.
“Amy?” a weak voice resounded next to me. I hardly reacted, too disoriented to care. “Am I… am I dead?” The voice faded into the loud beeping. I wanted it to stop.
Then my eyes opened.
I saw a light, but it wasn’t the heavenly light I expected. It hurt my eyes for a few moments until they adjusted. I heard a rhythmic beeping on my left.
Is it over?
Looking around, I didn’t see my parents. I was in a white room, in a bed, with an itchy gown on. There were machines and a curtain next to me. It smelled like alcohol and disinfectant.
It hit me. I was in the hospital. I was alive.
I was alive.
My head shook. “No…” I took in the sight of the hospital room, the heart monitor next to me, the IV in my hand. Nurses were sitting near me, noticing my awakening. “No, no, no…” The beeping got faster.
“It’s okay, sweetheart.” A nurse approached me. “Don’t panic. You’re in the hospital. You’re safe.”
“No, no, I can’t be here…” I tried to sit up, but he gently pushed me down. I was too weak to resist.
“Diana, it’s going to be all right. You’re safe. We’re taking care of you-”
“No, no, you don’t understand, I can’t be here!” My voice cracked. “I’m not supposed to be here!” I reached for the IV, trying to rip it out. The other nurses suddenly crowded around me, holding my limbs down.
“Diana, please, don’t do-”
“Get me out! Get- GET ME OUT! LET ME GO!” I sat up, looking for something, anything, to get me out. I planned it so well. This wasn’t supposed to happen. I wanted to escape.
“Get the doctor! Call security!”
“Sweetheart, please, calm down, you’re safe-”
“Please! Let me go!” I tipped out of the bed. The nurses caught me, keeping me from falling. I kicked, punched, screamed… I couldn’t be here. I had to leave.
It was simple. I would be free. I would see Mom and Dad.
It wasn’t fair. Something so simple, so easy… I couldn’t do anything. I was cursed, forced to stay here. Forced to endure.
Why did I have to be here? Why did it have to be me?! Why did everything have to be so horrible…?
I soon got dizzy and convulsed, throwing up uncontrollably. Exhaustion washed over me and I collapsed on the hospital bed. I couldn’t understand the voices around me. People ran all over the place. The nurses stroked my hair and whispered comforting words, but they didn’t calm me at all.
It was supposed to be over…
~~~
I gave up soon enough. It was clear that I was alive, whether I liked it or not, and I was back in the cage. I lied alone for a while, trying not to think about anything. All I could hear was the repetitive beeping from the heart monitor next to me.
“Diana? Your, um… family wants to see you,” a nurse said, standing at the door.
I only stared. What would they do now? Would they send me back into the system? Would they hate me again, even worse now? Would they lock me in the basement until I was moved?
Susan and Davis later came in, without the boys. Both their faces were tear-stained and anxious. Susan sat on my right while Davis stood to my left. I looked down, ashamed. I couldn’t meet their eyes. Silence stretched out between us. I could hear their breath stuttering as they tried to find words, but they obviously had no idea what to say. I didn’t know what to say. The only noise was the monitor.
“Um… I-I…” Susan stammered out. “I’m… I’m sorry, Diana.”
She was sorry? For what? I was the one that caused all this drama in the first place.
“I… I don’t know…” Sobs threatened to escape, tightening her voice. “I don’t really know what to say. Um… we… I made things so much worse for you. If I weren’t… if I hadn’t…” Her strength caved, giving way to uncontrollable tears. Davis rounded the bed and took his wife into his arms.
The tears weren’t helping. It sort of felt like she was disappointed I was still here. They were so close to being free of this plague, and it was still there, tormenting them.
Her incomprehensible bawling calmed after a few minutes so I could hear her words. “It’s all my fault… I failed then, and I failed now… it’s all because of me.” Davis stroked her hair, whispering to her as she spoke. “I’m sorry…”
I remained silent. I just couldn’t say anything. What could I say?
“The, um… the boys want to see you,” Davis finally spoke. “Are you okay with them coming in?”
I didn’t respond at all. It was as if I stopped caring about what was happening around me.
“I’m gonna call them now…” Davis left Susan’s side. “You sure?”
I gave him an affirmative silence. He then left briefly, then came back, gluing himself to his wife’s side as his sons all entered.
All the brothers’ faces were struck with the same expressions of guilt, sadness, pain, fear, and some anger. All their eyes were red and puffy. Like their parents, they remained silent. Harry seemed to want to say something, but his voice failed every time. Minutes passed by with everyone standing there, no one saying a word. Beep… beep… beep…
Then more faces entered. Mr. Brian, whose eyes were also red and teary. Ms. Juno. Mr. Pierce.
Ms. Bredlong.
I finally reacted, the heart monitor beside me beeping faster. I looked away, not in shame, but in anger… and fear. How would she ruin my life now? Hopefully, with the other three here, she wouldn’t be able to do much.
Stolen from its rightful author, this tale is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.
Unless she would ‘convince’ them again that whatever she wanted was the ‘best option’ for me.
“Diana,” Mr. Brian said.
“I don’t want to go,” I blurted out.
“Go where?” Ms. Juno asked.
“I dunno. Wherever you’re sending me.”
“That’s up to what the doctor says,” Ms. Bredlong said coldly. “You’re going to be in here for a while. We’ll see if we send you back to the Fields’ after your stay is over, or a different household.”
I shook my head. “No. I’m not leaving.”
She cocked a brow. “You did this here. Obviously, something in this household provoked you.” She glared at the Fields. “It’s best if you’re removed.”
“Janet-”
“NO!” I shrieked, scaring everyone in the room. “I’m not leaving!”
“Diana.” Mr. Brian rushed over to calm me down. “It’s not definite yet, okay? We just have to wait-”
“I swear I’ll do it again if you move me!” I shouted, tears rushing. “I’ll do it! I’ll keep trying, and keep trying, over and over again if you move me. I won’t stop! I want to stay! Please…”
“Diana, we need to know what the doctor says,” said Ms. Juno. “We need to be sure, okay?”
“Sure of what?!”
“Calm down,” said Mr. Pierce. “Diana, we’re doing all we can. We only want the best for you, you know that.”
“If you want the best for me, then you’ll let me stay!” I glanced at Susan and Davis; Susan was no longer sitting, now standing a few feet away from the bed with Davis holding her around the shoulders. I looked at my caseworkers with tears in my eyes, my jaw trembling. “Please… I’m begging you. If you send me somewhere else, they’re gonna hurt me, I know it. I won’t do it again, I promise, just let me stay.”
Ms. Bredlong subtly rolled her eyes. “Diana, you’re just going to have to wait and see, okay? Your acting isn’t going to get you out of this.”
“I’M NOT ACTING!”
A nurse then rushed in. “What’s going on here?” She pushed through the caseworkers surrounding me. “Why are there so many people in here?”
“Excuse me,” Ms. Bredlong said, a bit indignant. “I’m her caseworker. I’m entitled to-”
“Only one of you was supposed to come in here, not all of you. And you were supposed to leave when her caseworker came in.” The nurse pointed at my foster family. “You’re going to have to leave. You’re aggravating the patient.”
Susan nodded and moved away with Davis, taking the boys with them, who would glance back at me as they filed out the door.
“I’ll stay and discuss-”
“I think you’ve done enough, Janet,” said Mr. Pierce.
“She’s just trying to-”
“I’ll stay with her, okay? Just… let me handle this,” said Mr. Brian.
“Janet, you’re not helping. Come on.” Ms. Juno gently pushed Ms. Bredlong and Mr. Pierce out the door, leaving me with the nurse and Mr. Brian.
“Do you need anything, sweetie? A glass of water?” she asked kindly. I only shook my head. She smiled at Mr. Brian. “I’ll be right outside. Don’t aggravate her.” She left.
Tears flowed again and I clutched Mr. Brian’s hand. “Please don’t put me away.”
“Diana.” He sat in the chair Susan previously occupied. “I’m going to do my best-”
“You always say that!”
“I always do my best,” he insisted. “I have a good feeling, okay? I don’t think they’ll move you. Despite what happened, the Fields have a clean record.”
I sniffled, sinking back into my pillow. The heart monitor gradually slowed down.
“But there’s going to be some changes, okay? Now, I need you to stay calm.” He took my hand to comfort me. “I’ll do my best, but you need to help me.”
I took some deep breaths, then finally nodded.
~~~
November 30th, 2023
It had been three days since my attempt. Nonstop lying in bed, eating some food, getting checked by doctors and nurses and others. Dr. Cawman was coming more frequently now. I wasn’t sure how long I’d be here, but it felt like forever already.
I’d blanked out the night I was admitted, and my arms were bleeding heavily when I came to. Nurses surrounded me, one of them with a black eye. So, not only did I have extra-thick bandages around my hands and arms, I was also tied down to my bed.
They were trying to calm me down as if I weren’t strapped down and imprisoned like a criminal. Breathing exercises, conversations, sessions, and even some games. I had a TV in my room so I could watch what I wanted— I wasn’t much of a TV person, but I watched anyway. There really wasn’t anything good on.
Dr. Cawman decided to take me on a walk every time she came. The hospital had a beautiful garden near the psych ward. This was the only time I was allowed out of bed, unless I needed to go to the bathroom. I still didn’t feel free with the employees trailing behind us, watching my every move.
It was very similar to the last time this happened, 4 years ago. I’d tried to throw myself out of a window at the group home I was staying in. The one employee that was nice to me caught me and saved me. She’d held me for a while, reassuring me that life would be better, that I had a second chance.
What a liar.
I found this experience better than the last, though. My therapist back then was convinced I was a pathological liar looking for attention. This time, I had someone listening to me, helping me feel better. Dr. Cawman helped my mood, but it didn’t change the fact that I wanted out.
I was allowed to call the Fields once a day, but I hadn’t answered or made any calls since I got in. I just didn’t want to talk to them. I knew that, sooner or later, I’d have to, or Ms. Bredlong would think I was lying about wanting to stay.
The TV screen played out a cringey movie as I lied in bed. I’d just finished my walk with Dr. Cawman. I’d be served lunch soon. I stared blankly at the screen, barely registering the wooden dialogue and annoying characters.
There was a knock, diverting my attention. I expected a nurse, but instead saw a girl standing at the door. She was around my age, with red hair cascading in waves down her shoulders. Her large, pale green eyes stared at me.
I sat up carefully. “Hi?”
The girl’s mouth flapped as she entered, staring at me. Her expression… it was that look.
“What do you want?” I snapped. I had way too much history with that stupid look to tolerate it now.
She blinked, smiling sheepishly. “I-I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I just… what’s your name?”
“Diana. Why?” I said, apprehensive.
The girl was speechless again. She moved restlessly, looking out the door. Was she even supposed to be here?
I sighed, a bit impatient. “Do you need anything?”
“N-no. Um… it’s nothing. Never mind. I’m sorry.” She turned to leave, but was confronted by a nurse holding a tray.
“Monica, what are you doing here?” the woman demanded.
“I’m sorry, I was just-”
“You know you’re not allowed in here.” The nurse put the tray aside. She took the phone off the wall and dialed. “Do you know Ms. Watson? You need to ask for permission to visit your friends.”
“I don’t know her,” I interjected.
“I’m sorry, she just looked so much like…”
This piqued my interest. “Amy?”
Her pale green eyes snapped to me and she nodded hastily. As the nurse reported Monica’s presence, the girl came up to my bedside. “Y-you knew her?”
“Um… no. I just live with her family.”
“Her family? Wait… I don’t understand. Wh-who are you?”
“I’m their foster daughter.”
She seemed even more confused. “But… how…?”
“Listen, I know I’m practically the spitting image of Amy, okay? I don’t know why. Her parents missed her so much that they found me online and decided to take me in to help their pain, I guess. That about sums it up. That’s why all her older brothers hated me, but then we sort of got along, but everyone at their school thought I was a ghost, so they tortured me until I tried to kill myself, and I failed, so I’m stuck here. That’s the story, ‘kay?”
Monica stared at me with a slacked jaw. “Okay, Monica, you need to go back to your room. If you want to visit, you need to ask permission,” said the nurse.
“W-wait.”
The nurse raised her brows sternly. Monica sighed and looked back at me. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know… I’m sorry.” She slowly left the room.
I stared after her as the nurse approached with my food. “Eat well, sweetie,” she said, putting the tray on the bed table.
“Who was that?” I asked her.
“A patient. Do you need anything?”
“No, but… she knew Amy. How did she know Amy? They never…”
“I’m sorry, Diana, I don’t know who Amy is.”
The family obviously knew her. I could ask them. But it would be rude to finally call them after three days, only to just ask them who this random girl was to Amy. I could call today and wait until tomorrow to ask them.
“Do you know how long she’ll be here? Monica?” I asked the nurse.
“I can’t give out patient information, Diana. But if you want to talk to her, I’ll ask for you, ‘kay? It’s always good to make new friends.”
I shook my head. “No, it’s fine.” I was curious, but I felt awkward about talking to her. All we would talk about would probably be Amy, and that was the last thing I really wanted to talk about.
“Are you sure?”
“I don’t want to talk to anyone, I just wanted to know who she was, that’s all. It’s fine. Thanks.” I took my utensils and started eating. That girl wasn’t important, and would probably just stress me out. It was best to forget her.
I returned my attention to the movie on TV. Bored out of my mind, I started scanning the channels for something of value. I stopped at a familiar scene, an anime. Checking the information, it read ‘Sora’. My brief smile was instantly crushed by guilt.
Tony, Mildred, Thelma… none of them would want to talk to me again for sure. They wouldn’t ever want anything to do with me. I didn’t blame them. But I missed them so much.
“You could use more friends, you know,” a sudden voice said.
I gasped, startled, and looked at the little girl that appeared next to me. She looked at me, annoyed, and added, “You knew I was here. Don’t exaggerate. You brought me here, so I came.”
“What are you doing here?” I said.
“Like I said, you asked for me.”
“No, I didn’t.”
“Then why am I here?” she countered.
“To torture me.”
She rolled her eyes. “To you, everyone’s torturing you. Everyone’s so against you. Such a drama queen.”
I stared at the girl, at the little me sitting in the chair. She wasn’t that ‘little’, though, probably around 11. She wore the Brimstone Academy uniform— a blue blazer and a plain gray skirt with white knee-high socks.
“I don’t want to talk to anyone,” I said.
“You don’t want to talk to anyone in the real world. You just want to talk to yourself, like a psycho.”
“Stop calling me names.”
“I wouldn’t if you didn’t call yourself that. I’m just your thoughts.”
I sighed, irritated. “Fine. What do you want?”
“Whatever you want. I don’t know why you’re thinking about me, of all the you’s there are.” She absent-mindedly fashioned a braid in her hair.
“I was… I was wondering about Monica.”
“Uh-huh.”
“And… I decided not to care about her.”
“You’re trying not to care about her.”
“I shouldn’t.”
“You want to be friends with her.”
“Why?”
She shrugged. “You want to know more about Amy.”
“I shouldn’t butt into Amy’s life. That’s why I’m here, that’s why all this happened.”
“There’s something making you want to know everything. Maybe you’re just nosy,” 11-year old me remarked. “You never learn. Always asking about stuff that doesn’t have to do with you.”
“God, why am I talking to you?” I sighed.
“Well, you’re thinking about friends.”
“So?”
“I’m the last you that made a friend. Camilla, remember? Then after that… you didn’t have any friends. Until now.”
The realization made me stop. I stared at the door. It was true. I hadn’t made friends in years… until I went to Summit High. Camilla Thomas was a loyal friend of mine. She let her entire 5th Grade class ostracize her and bully her. At the end, I finally chased her away, and she grew distant. As expected, considering everything that happened.
Then I moved, and… I never had anyone to call my friend.
I looked back at the chair, finding my younger self gone. Maybe I could talk to Dr. Cawman about it. I wasn’t sure if trying to be friends with Monica was a good idea. Sticking to my current friend group was safer… if they were still my friends.